Determined To Succeed

I swear, sometiimes you can equate gaining weight to snow.

Throughout the week weathercasters in the Philadelphia area (who are quite regularly wrong) predicted that the snow/precipitation cycle heading our way would basically miss South Jersey. So as I watched a few flakes fall I figured “eh, this is nothing. It will be a few flakes and nothing more.”

By the end of the night South Jersey received about two or so inches of snow. Not a lot by any stretch (especially for someone from Chicago) but enough to make you say “Jeez. Where did this come from?”

Weight can be the same way, and through a few days of accumulated “bad” eating here and there (you know, having beef fried rice here or Milky Way there) weight can increase just like that snow did. All it takes is us saying “eh, this is nothing. It will be a few calories and nothing more.”

But this time the inches we gain won’t melt away as easily because they’re on your waist instead of on the ground.

As we are about to enter a brand new week full of possibility, work, stress, emotions, etc., take time to note HOW you are eating and WHEN. I know I have mentioned this a lot lately. That’s because I’ve done some serious soul-searching as to the WHYs I eat (or overeat). I pay attention more to WHEN and HOW MUCH because when I have lots on my mind on which to chew I tend to want something to eat – so that I’m physically chewing on something at the same time.

Knowing this pattern helps me more than you’ll ever know.

So pay attention to the small “flakes” in your life. Be them candy, popcorn, egg rolls, chips, doughnuts, fries, Milky Ways, etc. Each thing by itself won’t be enough to derail you. But added up, these can pose a serious threat to your weight loss journey. But more to the point, this is the time when you need to start examining what’s going on inside your head and heart to figure out the source of your stress, anxiety, sadness, nervousness, etc. – emotions that could lead to excessive and unnecessary extra eating. In any weight loss journey saying “I love myself enough to begin” is essential and saying “I will take care of me, my weight and my health” is key.

This way when it snows you’ve already laid down a layer of salt so your streets are clear and no “snow” accumulates. And the road you travel is a much easier-traveled road for it.

Last night was an OK night but I have to admit I gave in to two of my kryptonite foods – beef fried rice and Coca-Cola. But I didn’t do it because I was weak (well, not totally). Actually I did it to celebrate. You see yesterday a photographer from the Philadelphia Inquirer came by to take a shot or two for an article that is going to run on the website in Monday’s paper (I will get you guys a link as soon as it does). That was pretty cool. Hopefully people will see my story and know they are not alone in this weight loss journey we are all doing.

This morning, after consuming said Chinese food and Coke (which I did watching the always awesome film “Purple Rain”), I am just up a half-pound. Not too bad actually. And I am going to be super good this weekend. Especially when I think about that photographer’s friend about whom I learned during the shoot.

I can’t tell you the friend’s name because she never said the name but she did share with me that the friend was struggling so hard with weight. She was having some severe joint pain. She has just been diagnosed with high blood pressure.  She was working out and lost weight but gained it back. Lots of emotional stress going on in her life.

Wow. Sound familiar? It sure as hell did to me. So I spent some time talking to my new photographer friend about my story and what I do to keep the weight off including the healthier fruit snacks I bought whenever I get an attack of the munchies (Clementines are the best). I told her how much I exercise and try to be good about eating. But that once in a while, as a treat, I do indulge (as I did last night) in Chinese food and Coca-Cola.

I also told the photographer I felt a kinship to this person and that I understand the emotional side of it all. Things like frustration, anger, shame and food addiction. I really do. Like a vicious circle it is, craving and eating food but being ashamed of actually eating it and how many pounds it can put on. How you hide in comfort zones. Man. So many similar feelings came up. Like wanting to scream because everyone thinks fat people are supposed to be jolly and happy which is a silly stereotype since everyone has real emotions and there were times that, while fat, I sure as hell wasn’t jolly. Not when you have to ask for seatbelt extenders on planes and feel like you have to apologize for being larger than the average bear.

But then things got lighter. I told the photographer about donating all my fat clothes so I had no way to go back. I told her about my new-found energy. I told her that I simply feel better. And when I was asked if people treat me differently I say yes, especially since I feel I am the same person I was when I was larger. I know my body has changed but my spirit, the thing that drives me, is still the same (kind of like the tagline for last year’s Vin Diesel movie “Fast & Furious” – New Model. Original Parts).

When we concluded the shoot I told the photographer friend to recommend my website to her. I just wanted her friend to know through my stories and this site she wasn’t alone in this. To love herself enough to put herself first and, through that, her weight loss goal would be achieved. I hope she takes me up on that.

To everyone out there you are doing a great job. Even if you are doing just a few sit-ups every day. That is more than what you were doing and that is great. If you are cutting back on soda and chips and walking, that is awesome. Keep it up. As for me I am getting my butt to the gym so I can work off that half-pound.

Not so that I can eat more beef fried rice and drink more Coke. But so that the feeling of celebration can continue throughout the coming weekend.

Well, it’s finally happened. I finally got off my plateau and dropped a pound.

All I have to say is WOOHOO!

In these battles for losing poundage this pesky little pound was hard fought but I did it and I am pleased. And today I am 236.7. Thank goodness. That was some good news this morning countered almost immediately by the heart-racing, anxious feeling you get when the blue screen of death comes on.

All I have to say is AIEEEEEEE!

(Knock on wood) All seems to be better now and I head into this weekend excited about this new downward trend that I hope continues. Especially since a photographer from the Philadelphia Inquirer is coming to take a few pictures today for an article running in Monday’s edition about my weight loss journey and this website. I am very excited.

I’ve realized something along the way – I need to keep healthier snacks in the house for times like these, when my emotions make me prone to overeating and snacking. I have to admit I’ve had to attack snacking almost as much as I’ve attacked my Coke habit (again, the soft drink not the icky powder stuff). So I went to the store yesterday and got myself several healthier snacks including some awesome looking bananas, some peaches and, best of all, some Clementines. Those seedless oranges are the perfect snack. They not only quench your thirst for something sweet (like a Coke would) but they also give you something to chew. And anyone with a food addiction like me likes to feel as though we are eating something. I don’t know WHY that is. It just is.

I am doubly glad I did because yesterday I wrote another emotional entry in my “Memories of My Mother” blog. It was about buying one  of those Throwback Pepsi bottles you’re seeing commercials for these days. I tried one in hopes I would have a small taste (literally and figuratively) of my childhood. Well, as they say, you can’t go home again and I became very sad. So sad I did what I do. I reached for food.

Although this time I grabbed much healthier snacks after a good cry, and I felt better. So as I plopped down on my couch and watched “Goodfellas” (which is an amazing movie, by the way) I felt a bit of relief that I had the foresight to get those fruits on which to snack. That I didn’t get any Coca-Cola for the house. I just reached for my darling Clementines and they were good. And refrigerated they are the best.

Last weekend I said I was going to be a weekend food warrior. This weekend I think I’m just gonna pull back a notch or two and just THINK about what I’m eating and WHEN. I will be careful in my food and drink choices and take each meal as it comes.  I am not going to predict I will be the best but will just be the best I can be at each meal. That’s all I can do.

That’s all any of us can do. So that by weekend’s end I can be happier, food-wise. And maybe, just maybe, shave another pound off the old waist in the process. I’ll keep you posted.

Have you guys noticed the retro Pepsi commercials hittin’ the airwaves? Seems Pepsi and Mountain Dew “Throwback” sodas are available through the end of February featuring the same original formulas and real sugar.

Even though I am now a devout Coca-Cola drinker I was taken back to very fond memories of the Pepsi I drank growing up as a kid, finding spare change with my mom and going to the liquor store or the corner store to get ourselves a Pepsi to split.

Back then Pepsi and other soft drinks were in heavy but beautiful long bottles. They came in eight packs and you had to pay deposits on the bottles (even more incentive to get you to bring them back to the stores). You had to have bottle openers to even open them. But no matter how much they weighed and no matter how much a pain-in-the-ass they were to carry with bags of groceries, there was nothing – NOTHING – like opening up an ice-cold Pepsi and having good times talking with my Mama.

I still remember the light cloud of white that appeared at the tops of the bottles when you’d open them. And blowing it away before you’d take the first swig made a cool “whoosh” sound over the bottle’s opening. Then the taste of it, the sweet taste of Pepsi, was like a drug. But more so it was something my mom and I did together. Finding that loose change was incredible. We didn’t have money growing up but we had fun and we could always enjoy a Pepsi together.

Sometimes we’d take bottles of Pepsi to our favorite spot on 53^rd Street in Hyde Park (the old benches at the Hyde Park Bank), on the South Side of Chicago and crack ‘em open there. Or even take them to the park. Sometimes we’d buy cans of them and sit in the Laundromat watching the old black & white TV as our clothes dried on “inferno.” Most times, we’d have ‘em at home watching TV and talking. That was the best.

Why am I telling you all that? Because it’s all of those memories of my mother that made me purchase one of those retro bottles of Pepsi the other day.  I got the coldest one I could find (which was pretty cold). And I was so excited. This was a chance to reconnect with my childhood, my Mama, and taste a sweet soda from my kid-dom. I miss my mom so much and I was just so excited to be presented with a chance to have a comfort food and think about how alive my mom was.

But, as they say, you can’t go home again.

The long-necked glass bottles have been replaced by plastic screw-cap ones. And the taste, which seemed way sweeter, was so different than I remembered. Wasn’t this the Pepsi from my late-70s/early 80s youth? It had the same logo. It claimed to be that old formula. It brought back the best memories. But the taste wasn’t the same and I was at once sad and deflated. I wanted so bad to have that swig of Pepsi and imagine me and Mama sitting up watching something on TV talking about her day at work or what movie we’d see that coming weekend.

But you can’t go home again.

So I finished the 20-oz. bottle of Throwback Pepsi and set the bottle on the table. I sat and thought about my Mama and said to myself “Well, Ma. It’s just doesn’t taste the same.” And I could hear her in my head responding “It be like that sometimes, son.”

I guess so, but I wanted to have that smile again just one more time. Not just from the taste of Pepsi but from the look on my mom’s face when we found that change and bought them. I thought about when my beloved first (and ironically last) cat, Tiger, died how I went to get some comfort food egg rolls from my favorite childhood place and how they’d changed the recipe for those, too.

You can’t go home again.

Oh well. Some things change and some will never change. But thank God for memories. They are truly what we have when we miss our loved ones so very much. It’s been over seven months now since mom passed away and I am still heartbroken over it. The world lost a wonderful and bright star that day in June but I can still hear her wonderful voice, see her bright smile…

…and remember the “swoosh” of the Pepsi bottles we opened up together.

I miss you, Ma. Here’s to you. And I hope wherever you are you are having that nice tall Pepsi we both loved so much.

Today I got my TV reception back.

Turns out that my satellite dish was just a bit out of alignment from all the high winds and rain we had on Monday here in southern New Jersey. Although I went outside to see if I could fix the problem I didn’t readily see a solution. It was dark and the solution didn’t seem as simple as just readjusting the dish a few degrees to get the signal.

Funny how much this actually mirrors and sounds like weight loss.

When I was 400.6 pounds my satellite was seriously out of alignment – with my mind, my heart and my spirit. I couldn’t see how much I needed to just shift my life a few degrees so that the message became clear. I needed to step back and not see food as an automatic part of the solution.

Do not get me wrong. My weight loss dish can go out of alignment any day of the week, and does. Depending on my mood, my frustration level or my anxiety level my dish can go out of whack and I become susceptible to my kryptonite foods (beef fried rice, Milky Way bars and ice-cold Coca-Colas). But I got a piece of advice today from the dish repair guy that I will remember for the rest of my life.

When you don’t get signal just adjust the dish slightly.

It seems simple but the more I thought about it it’s awesome advice. If I start to feel the “need” to eat I’m going to take a moment and think about “why” I want to eat. “Why” my dish came out of alignment and “why” I want to solve it with food. Then I’m gonna realign my dish by solving the problem that caused my dish to go out of whack. Am I stressed out because of something with my computer (like the other day when the sound on my computer didn’t work and I couldn’t do a podcast)? Or am I just missing my mama and needing a good cry (instead of an order of fries)?

By stepping back and figuring out the “why” we can all deal with at least part of that automatic need to feed our mouths with food stuffs. At least that’s how I will be looking at it from now on. I know I’m a stress eater. I also know I’m an emotional eater. Simply knowing and thinking about those things helps me navigate those times when my reception becomes fuzzy.

Because once I recognize those things that dish comes back into alignment, the picture comes back into incredibly sharp focus and all is better (and clearer) in the world.

Download This Episode

Superman and I have an understanding. We both know how bad kryptonite can feel.

For him, it can literally kill him. For me, my kryptonites are foods that make me weak and make me succumb to consuming them (more than I should) causing me to gain weight back.

I just happened to grab a new DVD from Best Buy the other day. It was all four original “Superman” movies in one DVD set. The incredible “Superman” and it’s amazing sequel “Superman II” on one disc. The horrible “Superman III” and the absolutely abysmal “Superman IV: The Quest for Peace” on the other (how anyone approved those last two to be made is beyond me).

It’s ironic that I grab that DVD set at a time I am trying to do better about curtailing my cravings for my kryptonite foods.

In the past I’ve written about my bad Coke habit. You guys out there know one of my kryptonite foods isn’t a food. It’s a drink. An ice-cold glass (or bottle) of Coca-Cola. The other two are Milky Way bars and a large beef fried rice.

But lately something’s changed and changed for the better. I’ve not really had a craving/taste for Coke since the other week. I mean I’ve had one or two since then but I think I have finally gotten over the hump of “needing” a Coke, instead opting to have one every other day or every two days because it’s a treat and I “want” one.  I’ve also gotten a lot better at having just plain cold water instead.

This is good news because, for a while, it looked like I was heading back down my slippery slope Coke habit. I would eye-up a two-liter bottle in the store wanting to grab one to take it home. Or, worse yet, grab a 24-case like I did a couple of weeks ago (what was I thinking).

Maybe I needed to do that to get it out of my system for a while. Hmmmmm.

So yes, lately, with every meal I have chosen to have ice water and it’s been great. Not only should you have a glass before a meal to help fill you up but it’s the healthiest health drink around and is good for your body as well as your weight. It even helps your skin look its best. How can you beat that? I also don’t wake up with that sluggish feeling I’ve had after consuming Coke after Coke the night before. It really does feel like a hangover sometimes.

I hope this trend keeps up. I also haven’t had a Milky Way in several weeks and I’ve even managed to keep fried rice at bay. I will always have what I want on my weight loss journey but cutting back on these is what I can do to help ensure I am making smarter choices about the other things I eat. You see, sometimes, I would eat without thinking like a lot of overweight people do. And put those kryptonites in front of me and I’m a goner.

Not having them is actually refreshing. I actually wake up better. I know sometimes addiction to food is like being an alcoholic and it feels that way. Not consuming my kryptonites makes me feel better, healthier and happier. So when I do have them again, like I said, it’s a choice and not an automatic response.

So as I sit watching “Superman” and take a sip of my ice-cold water I feel better about my weight loss journey. Maybe I did work out some “need” to have all that Coca-Cola. No matter the reason I am glad I am in recovery. This way I can root for the Man of Steel as he fights Richard Pryor?…

…and I say again, who made that choice in Hollywood?

“The Book of Eli” & “Legion” – Three Buckets of Popcorn out of Four for “The Book of Eli” and Two-and-three-quarters Buckets of Popcorn out of Four for “Legion”

Writing these reviews was tough. I saw both of these movies on the same day without even thinking both were primarily about the same thing – the salvation of humanity through faith (or at least some aspect of faith). The reason writing this review was tough is because I can’t really write separate reviews. Well, OK. I could write separate reviews but both are so similar in message that I feel compelled to join them both into one.

Let’s start with the plots of each:

In “Legion,” an out-of-the-way diner in Paradise Falls (get it?) becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in humankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity’s only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner with the Archangel Michael (Paul Bettany) as their only protection.

In “The Book of Eli,” Eli (Denzel Washington) has been on a journey for 30 years, walking west across America after a cataclysmic war that turned the earth into a total wasteland. The world has become a lawless civilization where people must kill or be killed. The barren roads belong to gangs of cutthroats who rob and kill for water, a pair of shoes, a lighter, or just for fun. Eli is a peaceful man who only acts in self defense, and becomes a warrior with unbelievable killing skills when he is challenged. After the war and the “Big Flash”, Eli was guided by a higher power to a hidden book and given the task of protecting the book and taking it to its final destination. Eli guards the book with his life, because he knows that the book is the only hope that humanity has for its future.

Separately, I liked “Eli” more than I liked “Legion.” I thought it had better action and wasn’t as silly as “Legion.” “Legion,” while having some cool special effects (like an ass-kicking, fanged grandma who’d just as soon kill ya and eat ya as to look at ya, and angels’ wings used as both flying mechanisms and shields against bullets) was silly at times, had big, gaping logic holes and acting so bad at times it was laughable. Kind of like 80s movies but with a higher budget and better cast. Eli had seemingly big holes, too. That is until the very end when the secret of the movie is revealed and all makes sense very much like “The Sixth Sense.” What prevents me from liking “Eli” more was its blatant stealing of “I am Legend,” “Mad Max” and “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome.” Even the bad guy (played by Gary Oldman) who runs the only decent human town left reminded me too much of the fantastic Tina Turner in “Thunderdome.”

What struck me most about both films is the subtext of humanity, its need to be saved and us always looking to something to save us. In “Legion,” God, Himself, has lost faith in humankind and He and the survivors in the diner NEED a baby to be born (presumably the Christ child reborn) as proof mankind can be saved. In “The Book of Eli,” salvation is an actual book carried and protected by Eli. Further, Gary Oldman’s bad guy will stop at nothing to have it because of the power it will have over those looking for salvation, strength and hope in post-apocalyptic times. “Eli” also had some cool subtextual things to say about televangelists and their use of their respective pulpits to gain false power over people – people who seemingly need it the most.

Is humanity that far gone? On some days I would say yes. I mean how can televangelist Pat Robertson dare say that the tragedies of Haiti and Hurricane Katrina were brought on by the people themselves? Bastard. How can there be suicide bombers in the Middle East, people shooting up former places of employment and Osama bin Laden (bigger bastard) if the world weren’t in need of saving? I wish I knew. But I also know that people have been, are and can be not just good but great and that that greatness comes from their hearts, minds and souls.

As entertainments, both movies are pretty cool. I would readily watch “Legion” at night on cable (unlike the abysmal “Daybreakers” which should have all its prints destroyed) and I’d watch “The Book of Eli” anytime. It’s good. Not great, but good.

As for humanity, I really do hope I see in my lifetime such a great good I can go to my final resting place knowing the world will be OK. Even though close to $500 million has been donated to Haiti I want to see it finally get to its people. I want to see Port-au-Prince and New Orleans and the 9^th Ward rebuilt stronger than ever. I also want to see the world’s poor peoples have fresh water, fresh foods and a chance at real life and not just survival. I want to see hatred go away, at least a part of it. And I want to see people unite not just because of a tragedy like Hurricane Katrina or Haiti but because we WANT to.

That is the faith people need in and of themselves. That is of what both movies speak. That is the truest hope for all humankind and that is the strength we will need to prove to God in “Legion,” to prove to Oldman’s character in “Eli” and to the rest of people out there who have lost their faith.

We have it. It’s just waiting for us to finally use it not because we have to but because we finally WANT to.

“Legion” – Rated R for strong bloody violence, and language.

Runtime: 100 min

Paul Bettany     …         Michael

Lucas Black      …         Jeep Hanson

Tyrese Gibson   …         Kyle Williams

Adrianne Palicki            …         Charlie

Charles S. Dutton          …         Percy Walker

Kevin Durand   …         Gabriel

Jon Tenney       …         Howard Anderson

Willa Holland    …         Audrey Anderson

Kate Walsh       …         Sandra Anderson

Dennis Quaid    …         Bob Hanson

“The Book of Eli” – Rated R for some brutal violence and language

Runtime: 118 min

Denzel Washington        …         Eli

Gary Oldman    …         Carnegie

Mila Kunis        …         Solara

Ray Stevenson  …         Redridge

Jennifer Beals   …         Claudia

Evan Jones       …         Martz

Joe Pingue        …         Hoyt

Frances de la Tour        …         Martha

Michael Gambon           …         George

Tom Waits        …         Engineer

I will say it over and over…there’s a message in the “Star Wars” movies for and about everything, including weight loss.

In the (sub-standard) prequel films (Episodes I, II and III) Yoda, Obi Wan, Qui Gon and Mace Windu all talk about how this new upstart kid, Anakin, will bring balance to the Force. How he is supposed to help stop the Sith (the bad guys) and herald a new age of peaceful and benevolent order to the galaxy.

Oops.

While that prophecy misread did they (in Yoda speak – since Anakin does grow up to become Darth Vader), if you think about it there is and should be balance in our lives particularly as we struggle to achieve our weight loss goals.

Take yesterday for example. Even though it was raining, very windy and a generally blah day I had a great day. I had two successful meetings/talks, one of which was over lunch where I ate pretty well calorically (no more than about 900 calories for the whole she-bang). Then, I took my computer to the great Best Buy Geek Squad who helped me fix my on-going computer problem so that is now fixed. Lastly, I met with a great group of people last night and hopefully inspired them to lose weight.

However, my satellite TV went out (probably due to the wind/rain) and no one can come and fix it until Thursday. Bah. No Family Guy until then.

Over the weekend I struggled to be this “weekend food warrior” and ended up having way more (albeit delicious) food on Saturday than I wanted,  so I was much better Sunday and yesterday (and will be today, too).  Last week I was on a serious Coca-Cola binge but now I am on a serious water kick.

So you see, life has balance. It’s supposed to have balance. In the things we do and the things we eat. Everything a doctor tells you is true. A balanced diet is really the best way to eat. Not some whacked-out Taco Bell diet (who came up with that one).  If you eat badly one day it’s not a total weight loss journey failure. Just pick yourself up and get back on track the next day. That’s all. Bring your life back into balance. Have too many carbs? OK, balance it out with more proteins. You get the picture.

We are all human. I know I am and I make terrible food mistakes. I do. But I have learned along the way what at least most of my triggers are for food and how to disarm them. I know what my kryptonite foods are so I can make conscious choices about them. But I’ve brought my life into a wonderful new balance, one filled with knowledge, strength and determination.

That is what will make me continue to succeed on my weight loss journey and that is what will help you, too.  When you love yourself and know you are worth it you will have the keys to bring your lives into that same kind of new balance. And it is then you will be a weight loss success because then nothing will be in your way and your path will be in front of you unobstructed and clear.

And it is then we will all bring peace and order to our own individual galaxies.

It’s a bit wet today in the Philadelphia area today. However I wake up today feeling much better than when I started the weekend and why? Because I am back down to 237.6 as of this morning. Woohoo! Take that, calories and fat!

So yesterday I didn’t do much of anything except meet a friend for coffee at Starbucks which meant I had to definitely watch my calorie intake (it just felt like a good day to be a slug). So I started the day with a flavored coffee from Starbucks and a reduced fat piece of cinnamon cake from Starbucks. believe it or not I actually prefer the coffee and food of Dunkin’ Donuts but I was in a hurry so I grabbed what I could. Sheesh, that turned out to be quite filling as I didn’t eat again until, like, three o’clock, when I got myself together and headed to Wendy’s (the little red-haired girl I always mention) and got some chili with cheese and onions – mmmmmm – and a Jr. Frosty (I just had a taste). Both were excellent. It wasn’t until after eight o’clock or so I actually had dinner – a delicious spaghetti and meat sauce Lean Cuisine (they really are the best brand).

While I did snack a bit over the weekend with the decadent little 100-calorie snack packs of Hostess Cupcakes and Twinkies I DID NOT have a single Coca-Cola yesterday. In fact, I seriously cut back on my amount of Coke this entire weekend which was great.

So I start this rainy, wet week trending downward again but feeling great. I promised I would let you guys know what I ate this weekend and I did. So thank you for letting me share. How did you all do? Sure it was a weird weekend for me in terms of what I ate and where, but I also knew I needed some better food choices, better portion control and more exercise. Knowledge a new way of life brings you when you maintain weight loss.

I also enjoyed the delicious calories when they came because I’m not going to be a miserable, grumpy bastard when it comes to food.

This week, I continue to eat light, exercise and continue this new downward trend. Just two pounds to get back to the “Battle of the Final Ten.” After that, the goal is again in sight…

…off in the distance and through the rain.