Determined To Succeed

Happy Monday, everyone! Today is the Memorial Day holiday and I am sitting here at my computer thinking about the week I have coming up this week. It’s going to be weird, fun, trying, adrenaline-filled and cool. And I just need to keep my cool when it comes to food.

Here’s the deal. This coming Saturday is the first live audition for people to possibly win their own show for Oprah and her new OWN network. You guys already know I have submitted a video entry to the “Win Your OWN Show” contest and, according to the rules, anyone can do both the live audition and the recorded one. So I am throwing caution to the wind and doing both, myself.

Here’s the rub. The live auditions are Saturday and they are only seeing the first 500 people of so. What that means for yours truly is I am thinking I will have to get there pretty darn early on Saturday morning to get in line. There is also the distinct possibility that I will have to get in line a day or two early to secure my place in the first 500 as I am sure this will bring out thousands and thousands of people.

And with this in mind a long and strange week begins.

Here’s the deal. Since I don’t know what day the line will start forming I am not quite sure when I will heading up to make myself voluntarily homeless for this once-in-a-lifetime shot.  Yes, yours truly will be doing any and everything he can to make sure he is one of the first 500 in line so he is definitely seen and not heard.

Here’s the rub. I know fer sure (like totally) I will not be blogging on Saturday morning. And if I do have to be in line a day or two early I will not be blogging for those couple of days either because I just don’t think it wise to bring a laptop to the place where I potentially will be sleeping outside with strangers, and I sleep soundly. How soundly do you ask? Well, I’ve slept through one of Chicago’s two extremely rare earthquakes, thunder and lightning storms, you name it, and I don’t want my “Little Blue” (the nickname I gave my netbook) to somehow walk away.

And here’s the promise. You can bet your bottom dollar I will fill you in on ever aspect of everything I go through when Sunday rolls around.

As far as food goes I am at 237 even today which means Bill is a grumpy but re-committed lad. I told you guys yesterday I have been stress eating but after a day of some reflection, some tears and a bit of work I am better.  Being better means I already have this weekend in mind for what I will be eating, so I also have to scope out food sources at the shopping complex or nearby and make sure there is a Wawa (my convenience store of choice) so I can get healthier sandwiches, coffee and water (yep, good ol’ H2O and not Coca-Cola).

Also, I will be working out every day until I have to head on up and camp out. It will be a combination of cardio and weights so that my body knows I mean business because I should be just as committed to that (if not more so) than standing in a line with thousands of my best friends.

They say there is honor among thieves. I certainly hope that’s true especially when it comes to having to get out of line to go to the bathroom. OK, I know that’s T.M.I. but at least it made you laugh. At least I hope it did.

Have a wonderful day my friends, and remember our service people around the world today. It may be the third day of a three-day weekend for you. For them, and for those who made the ultimate sacrifice for which we honor them with this day, it’s about honor, duty and freedom…

…even having the freedom to be weird and camp out to eventually make an ass of oneself to a bunch of producers this coming Saturday. Only in the USA.

It’s almost the end of May, 2010 (do you say twenty-ten, two-thousand and ten, oh hell, I don’t know) and it was this time last year that my mom, JoAnn, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 24, 2009, was lying in a hospital bed dying from that dreaded bitch disease. We were seeing doctors who were trying to make her comfortable and having the difficult conversations about pain management, transferring to hospice and how much time she might have left. If you ever want to know what a really hard conversation is look your wonderful, beautiful mom in the eye and answer her “we’re in a bad way, aren’t we” question with the honest, brutal and damning truth…”yes.”

During the eighteen or so days it took from her diagnosis to death, and in the days after, before I returned to South Jersey, I gained 20 pounds back of the 175 I lost. It was not only easy it was tremendously easy. When you sit in a hospital room all day you might entertain ideas of eating better, healthier and less but that quickly turns into nervously eating shit. There are moments of boredom, fear, dread, sadness, humor, anxiousness, relief…every emotion under the sun. What does it mean? It means your adrenaline has kicked in as the one helping to provide comfort and care and you eat, at least I did to help calm the storm.

When we transferred Mama to hospice I knew it was the end, and so did she, but at least the room she was in wasn’t some cold, antiseptic and functional place. It was warmer, more inviting and soothing and a much more  fitting place for my sweet Mama’s spirit to spend its final days inhabiting her body on Earth.

In hospice, I kept eating. This time I had the comfort of having pizza from Al’s Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria which was mercifully close to the hospice place. Ironically, what made this pizza awesome was the fact it tasted just like the pizza my mom and I had when I was a boy. I had this pizza twice in the six days we were in hospice. I needed it. I welcomed it, like an old friend come by for a visit after twenty years…and we had some catching up to do. I needed a taste of my childhood during those moments of fear, dread and sadness.

I just wish that taste could have come calorie- and fat-free.

Why am I telling you guys all this on a beautiful Sunday morning? Because the countdown has already begun to the last “first” I have to face since my mom’s passing, the actual one-year anniversary of that day, and slowly but surely I have been stress eating again. I can tell you it has been mostly subconscious, eating a few extra things here and there. But that is no excuse. I still get my sweet cravings at night and I feed them sometimes with good things, sometimes with bad, and my weight is slowly creeping back up because of it. Not to mention the silly, stupid dreams I have because I eat late at night (but that’s a whole separate blog post – and one for which you’d need a strong drink or cup of coffee because my dreams can be really strange sometimes).

In trying to be Zen about losing this remaining last ten pounds, which is now eleven-and-a-half, I have said many things which I need to start saying to myself. I do forgive myself this weight. I will re-lose this weight. And I know WHY I am re-gaining this weight. Those things help me, they do. I just need to listen to them and fight my way through this.

Every day I start the day the exact same way, with the blank page. Every writer starts with one, every person starts with one. Each day is what we make of it. Some continue the events of the day before, some bring about new circumstances. But all of them have a component of choice to them and it’s that choice I need to remember as June 9 gets closer and closer.

I swear to you all I will re-lose this weight. I swear it to myself, too. And that, my friends, is the first line on my blank page for today followed very, very closely by my second line…

…Mama, I love you and miss you and your voice very, very much.

OK, how sad is it that Gary Coleman has passed away at the age of 42? I have to admit I’m in a bit of shock. Not as much shock as when I heard Michael Jackson or Brittany Murphy died but a bit of shock, nonetheless. I remember growing up and tuning in to “Diff’rent Strokes” on whatever night of the week it was on. Me and my friends always, ALWAYS, used to imitate Coleman’s Arnold character saying “whatchoo talkin’ bout, Willis?” And it wasn’t just the comedic timing and incredible delivery of the line…it was those damn chubby cheeks, too.

I had chubby cheeks when I was a kid, too, but was neither as cute nor had a fan base that kept wanting me to repeat a line over and over again. I never had a catch phrase. I was just a fat kid, and my chubby cheeks were the result of me eating badly, eating often and not exercising. Hell, if anything my catch phrase was “you gonna eat that?”

OK, that made me chuckle just a bit.

I think the thing that strikes me most is the fact that Gary Coleman died at 42. I will turn 40 in December and think the best years of my life are ahead of me and here’s this cat who’s just died and he was only 2 years (two-and-a-half years) older than that. Wow. It blows me away. And why do I feel like the best years of my life are ahead of me? You guessed it. Because I lost weight, weight that was definitely holding me back from doing things. Weight that kept more of the “real” Bill from being seen. Weight that very well might have killed me at or around 40.

So today, I get up (late again, so sorry) to write before trying to start my Memorial Day weekend. There are things I need to do (well, try to do) and Coleman’s passing reminds us (OK, me) ever so gently to get out there, do these things and live life the best we can. As much as I sit and write about and discuss weight (yes, the seemingly ever-present “Battle of the Final Ten”) I know in my heart I’ve already gotten to that goal before and I will again. I beat this. I overcame the weight thing before and these last few pounds are just a revisit of endgame, nothing more. I will never go back to being 400 pounds. I have too much riding on the investment I’ve already made in myself and it has nothing to do with money or position or things. It has everything to do with just being able to wake up every day and have the ability to do these things. I want to skydive out of a plane (yes, a perfectly good plane), I want to climb a mountain, do a stunt for a movie, bungee off a bridge (yes, a perfectly good bridge), meet James Earl Jones and tell him I got into radio because of him. I also want to travel the world more, go scuba diving and so much more…all of which are now possible without weight in my way.

That’s what I’m talkin’ bout, Willis.

PS: I know my friends in the Philly area are not gomna like me too much for saying this but one of the things I want to see is every major Chicago team win a respective championship in my lifetime. I’ve seen the Monsters of the Midway, the Chicago Bears, win the Superbowl. I’ve seen the Chicago White Sox win the World Series. And no doubt everyone has seen the Bulls’ NBA trophies in the years of its dynasty led by Michael Jordan. And now, “Here Come The Hawks, ” The Chicago Blackhawks who play tonight against the Philadelphia Flyers in Game 1 of the Stanley Cup finals. I am thrilled. The team has not won the Cup since 1961, the longest current cup drought in the NHL. At 49 years, it is the second longest Stanley Cup drought in NHL history. So let’s go Hawks…

…now as long as I can keep my healthy lifestyle going long enough to see my beloved Chicago Cubs win that ever-elusive World Series…

T.G.I.F. my friends! I hope you guys had a great week. Well, it’s finally here – the three-day Memorial Day Weekend.

I know I don’t need to remind you guys that Memorial Day (formerly known as Decoration Day) is traditionally a holiday observed on the last Monday of May and commemorates U.S. men and women who died while in the military service. It is because of this ultimate sacrifice I want to begin my blog honoring the brave men and women who fight (and die) in service to our country. I may not believe in some of the reasons our military personnel are pressed into service but I will always support the people who defend my right and the right of every American to be able to say that. So to all of you, thank you for your service to our country and good luck to you all.

Memorial Day Weekend is also the unofficial start of summer and most of us look forward to this weekend for two reasons – the aforementioned  three day weekend and cooking out. For as long as I can remember have always enjoyed the sights, sounds, smells and tastes of the many foods we grill and barbecue all weekend long.

Going to my mom’s friend, Rosalyn’s, house we cooked out a lot. We had hamburgers, hot dogs, potato salad, chips, chicken, cole slaw, beans, greens, you name it. And it was all good. When I grew up I enjoyed going to my friend’s houses to have the same wonderful foods as we sat in their back yards talking about any and everything, solving the problems of the world (we were always right, of course) and enjoying the (hopefully) warm temperatures (sometimes in Chicago you never know what you’re gonna get temperature wise).

But my perspective has changed slightly since those good ol’ days of not worrying about what and how much I was eating. I’ve lost the weight of a grown man since then so of course I go into this weekend slightly cautious. Not because I’m going to deny myself the flavors of the weekend (I am damn well going to have a hot dog or piece of barbecue chicken) but cautious of the amount I eat.

You see, if we aren’t careful, we could easily eat a day’s worth (or more) of fat and calories in just one Memorial Day meal. And there are some of you out there who might be lucky enough to have two or three cookouts to go to. So, just remember the following tips to get you through and keep you on-track:

First, a grilled hot dog on a bun, an eight-ounce hamburger on a bun and/or two chicken drumsticks with skin on all have over 300 calories. If you want to cut calories take away the buns  and go with skinless chicken. There are also low-fat hot dogs, veggie dogs, veggie burgers and turkey burgers that make delicious meals, too, and a turkey burger with all the trimmings is a darn tasty way to grill and cut back on calories.

Second, choose a side dish that isn’t creamy, like cole slaw (which can also have a lot of sugar) or potato salad (with mayo).  I know those are awesome and delicious but remember this is about the amount you eat. So if you’re going to have multiple meats (hot dogs and hamburgers) be willing to cut back on the sides. You might want to try a slightly spicy black bean salsa as an alternative.  I have made this myself and it is not only delicious, but it’s full of protein, fiber (to lower cholesterol and improve gastrointestinal health) and lycopene (tomato containing phytonutrient). It is perfect for cook-outs, and you can even spoon some onto a salad to boost taste and nutritional value.

Third, condiments can kill in terms of calories (and boy do I love alliteration).  Ketchup has the most calories, with an ounce being almost 30 calories, and sweet pickle relish having roughly 20 calories per tablespoon ( and c’mon. I know you and I both tend to put more on than just a tablespoon per hot dog or burger). In the condiment world mustard is your friend. French’s yellow mustard, for example, has zero calories for a teaspoon serving.

Fourth, who can resist their sweet tooth? Show of hands? I know I can’t. My sweet tooth is notorious (and wanted in 29 states). Odds are your cookout or  picnic will have a sweet dessert or two. Remember the golden rule – if you’re gonna cheat, cheat with a liquid. Have a popsicle. Heck, if there’s not one in the house maybe the Good Humor or Mr. Frosty truck will drive by and you can grab one. Although they are empty of nutrition, each popsicle contains only about 40 calories and takes a long time to eat, helping to satisfy your cravings.

Lastly, don’t be afraid to bring your own healthier foods especially if you think there won’t be many (or any) healthier alternatives.Carrot sticks and hummus, baked tortilla chips and that slightly spicy black bean salsa salsa, a three bean salad (remember the darker the bean the better it is for you), cold sliced watermelon, cold Clementine oranges, and corn on the cob (with no butter!) are all great choices. It’s not as rude as you think, especially when you bring enough for everyone to share and can tell everyone of your weight loss goals and what you are doing to achieve them.

Yes, forewarned is forearmed and in the case of a weekend built around enjoying the foods of summer knowing how to control your intake will not only help you lose that weight but also allow you to have and enjoy many, many more Memorial Days to come.

Download This Episode

Well, I’ve made it back from New York City and Book Expo America. I didn’t really know what to expect but I know I expected much more than actually happened. I thought there’d be agents, publicists and publishers just swarming in a little area waiting to fly to new authors like bees pollinating flowers. But noooooooooo, and that is OK. Everything is a learning experience, isn’t it? And I will get there one day. And there is one important thing I learned. When I am bored, scared, overwhelmed and feeling alone I want to eat. Here’s what happened…

It was just about 10:30 a.m. or so yesterday and I had already made my way around the gigantic Jacob Javits Convention Center once to get the lay of the land and I was feeling run down, a bit overwhelmed and sort of bored. So I found a quiet spot on the level just above the food court (that was by coincidence, by the way) and kind of put my head in my hands. Then it hit me – I wasn’t thinking anymore about “ok, what’s my next move at this event?” and “how can I try to get in front of these people?” No, my mind was wandering down one level to one or two of the restaurants I could see from my vantage point wondering what yummy goodness they were already serving up.

“Dammit!” I said to myself. “It’s only 10:30 a.m. and I’m hungry?!”

I then got to thinking about it all. I was out of my comfort zone. I was in a huge place feeling quite small and insecure. I didn’t know anybody so I was feeling alone. I was disappointed I didn’t get to do what I had gone there to do. I wanted to give up. That is exactly when the demon comes for me telling me to eat, and it’s a pretty powerful demon. It sits down next to me and tells me that it will be comforting to fill my belly with something so I don’t feel so alone, that eating will give me purpose when I felt I had none. Eating would make it all better.

It was then I raised my head slightly and realized I wasn’t alone at all. My demon had followed me to the Big Apple and it was trying its best to get me to go back to the old ways. I looked around at all the people walking around in their badges – some with notepads, others with cell phones – looking like they all had purpose, and way more purpose than me. It felt pretty crappy. But I knew if I gave in and listened to my demon I would have felt crappier. Just because I didn’t have meetings set up or didn’t know anybody was no reason to just start shoveling food into my mouth. I was better than that. I am better than that, and worth more than that no matter what kind of situation I’m in.

So unbeknownst to the people sitting to my left (a woman who seemed annoyed she had to share her temporary desk/bench space with me – hell she should have seen my wide load at 400 pounds) and my right (another guy, flipping through pages in a notebook, jotting reminders to himself while looking at his iPhone to see his next appointment) I bade good-bye to that demon. I sent him on his way.I was going to have lunch, that was fer sure (like totally) but I was going to do it on my terms, in my own time and in my own way.

What tricks the mind can play on oneself never ceases to amaze me, and I almost gave in to it. But I waited and did what I knew my mom, JoAnn, would have done, and what I have done on many occasions – just struck up conversation with people. Who knew? They could have been agents? Why did I do this? Because it’s o.k. to say “hi. I’m a stranger in a strange land and I don’t know anyone. Can you help me?” When you do that you take the power away from your demons and give it back to yourself. You start finding your own path and your own way through a situation. And it feels better.

I eventually did make my way to the food court but I waited until one o’clock to do so (when I was legitimately hungry). Wow, that was an overwhelming experience, too. Throngs of people all swarming around the too-few tables like angry bees out of the hive. I look around at my food choices. They had Soul Food world, Burger and Fries World, Italian Food World…and all for hefty (WAY TOO HEFTY) prices. I ended up at Hot and Cold World for a turkey and pastrami sandwich on rye (I was in New York and had a taste for deli), a bag of chips and a bottle of Coca-Cola. An ice-cold bottle of Coca-Cola. What can I say? I needed a small taste of comfort to get me through the rest of the day.

I may not be perfect but as a great, great man who belted out one of the City’s great anthems – Francis Albert Sinatra – once sang (and I like closing the blog in song)…

“I did it myyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaayyyyyyyy.”

Hey there, my friends. First I have to say I am so sorry about yesterday. I do not know who that drunk guy was who hijacked my computer and started telling stories about me drinking and carrying on and such at – what do you young people call it – a party.

Alright, alright. You caught me. That was me, and I have to say that after taking my medicine, literally and figuratively, I am back from the undead and back to form (at least I have most of my mental faculties back with no pounding headache). As for the rest of yesterdayI think I ate OK. I had a chicken sandwich for lunch and a turket burger for dinner (they both sounded good to my rehabbing brain). I just have to keep this good eating momentum going as I get ready to tackle me day in New York. Yep, once again I find myself in New York City, The Big Apple, the city that never sleeps, for Book Expo America, the nation’s largest – you guessed it – book fair, where hundreds of agents, publishers and authors gather to tout and find the next “big thing.”

However, between walking the walk and talking the talk I am worried about what they will have to eat at this thing. Sure, there is a food court but I know I will want to eat healthier than that. Hmmmmm. I guess I will find out when I get there.

I think of it as the little angel on one shoulder and the little devil on the other.  I know my workout today is going to be walking the floor of the Jacob Javtz trying to schmooze people, something that could potentially burn me lots of calories. That is the angel. Making the most out of the situation. Knowing I will get in a workout through walking and trying to eat as best I can.

But I know lately I have been distracted, nervous, worried, anxious and concerned about life. And when that happens I stress eat and it’s those calories that offset the calories I burn. That is the little devil. The little one who will tempt me to eat badly today at the convention because I am in need of comfort being a stranger in a strange land…and that I’ll be ”walking it all off.”

And there you have it. It is the eternal struggle. Good vs. Evil. Bad against Good. Healthy foods vs. crap. But despite the constant back and forth I think I find a decent half-way ground between the two. I have tried so hard to be Zen about things lately and I know I will win this ongoing “Battle of the Final Ten.” I just need to eat better and exercise. It’s what’s gotten me to this point and I ain’t stopping now.

Of course I will fill you guys in on what I eat and do (and work off). Just keep your fingers crossed for me. That the little angel wins tomorrow and I don’t get too tempted to visit the food court or my fave Halal cart.

If I haven’t said this before, I am so glad you are all out there. Knowing you are helps me so, so much to stay good. It also helps my angel’s wings take flight and puts my little devil right where he belongs – hanging off to the side by his horns deflated and defeated…that is until the next time the two meet on the field of battle. Me.

I have talked many times about prepping yourself for the delicious foods offered at social functions so you don’t overeat. How you do this is by eating before you go and making sure you eat a better, healthier meal at least twenty minutes before so your brain registers that you’ve eaten and that you’re full.

Last night, that was not the case for me.

I attended a social function called a “tweet up,” a gathering of those connected and involved in the Twitter community. Not only was it attended by the coolest people (huge shout out to the Philadelphia/Jersey “Tweeps”) it was also a pretty good party. Alas there was one problem. The function had “that” table – the table of food. The table with chaffing dishes, salad bowls, condiments and such. The table perfectly situated in the middle of the room. The elephant…

…the table I needed to avoid.

I fully admit to two things. One, I am weak and a sucker for the buffets at social functions. Hell, why not be? Some of these swanky to-dos are paid for swanky to-dos and you have to feel you got your money’s worth somehow, right? Two, the more I drink the more my stomach goes “hey, drunkie drunkie! Where’s the food down here? You don’t want a hangover do ya?”

As soon as I walked into the joint I could smell it…wonderful hot foods like slices of beef for roast beef sandwiches (which is what I should have had), gigantic meatballs in gravy (no, not brown gravy – spicy marinara sauce). Plus the usual assortment of bar-type appetizers like buffalo wings, etc. Damn it all looked good. But as the night wore on I just felt my food self-control slipping and slipping as I walked closer and closer to “that” table.

Now, you guys know I will tell you anything when it comes to my weight so I am completely honest when I tell you I was successful in avoiding the table (did I mention it was in the center of the room so you had to walk around it all night and not get away from it?). But as this morning’s headache proves I should have had SOMETHING in my belly to absorb the one martini, glass of wine and gin (ugh, cheap gin) I consumed.

Sigh. I so need to be stronger at things like this and be smarter. I could have and should have had something healthier to eat before. I shouldn’t have been afraid to have something at the event. I shouldn’t have been afraid I’d lose control at the grand center table of food. It would have been fine.

Coulda, shoulda, woulda.

In the end, my friends, this is where discipline comes into play. Having one or two things at the event would have been OK, just as having the occasional egg roll won’t kill me. But in my quest to try to be good and avoid “that” table, I ended up not eating at all and having a nice bit of hangover to show for it. Sorry tummy. I should have listened to you.

And yes, I will get you some Tylenol or Advil asap.

Stress. It is everywhere. It is constant. Sometimes like the air we breathe. Sometimes like the sun that rises every morning. All our lives have it in one form or another (and I’d love to have your life if you don’t) and you wake up with it like a cup of coffee in the morning (oooh, that sounds good).

I’ve been feeling lots of stress lately. You can probably tell by how I’ve been writing (and eating) I have lots going on. My video entry in the Oprah “Win Your OWN Show” contest, the upcoming live audition for that, Book Expo America (which I am planning on attending this week in New York), switching cable companies, folding laundry, trying to figure out where/how money’s coming, cleaning up, and way more stuff I can’t even think about at the moment (even my coffee maker freaked out on me, btw, and leaked water and grounds everywhere) has me anxious to do one thing – eat.

Thank God I am only keeping healthier snacks in the house these days. Some prunes (yes, prunes. And no, I am not 90-years-old. I just happen to like prunes), raisins, crackers and some granola are way better to have than candy bars, egg rolls and soda (yes, believe it or not I steered clear of Coke this weekend (well, pretty much. I had only one as a treat) and didn’t stress drink. Man! Is that even a phrase?

I have also been trying to be Zen and not so hard on myself, too (a little voice in my head tells me I have been lately a bit too much). I am trying on both fronts and it does seem to be working at least a little. But in the meantime stuff isn’t getting done, like that laundry and other life stuff.

This is one of those times I am thankful I have undergone my weight loss journey. I can now recognize when I am anxious, exasperated, worried, afraid, nervous, excited – all the emotions that would make my pop a box of Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins in a heartbeat, or want to order some beef fried rice and egg rolls, or drink three or four Cokes to drown my worries. I may be stressed but I still have control over me and as long as I have that I am going to control what goes into my body so I can control my weight and the choices I make regarding food.

Today, I am down a half-pound from when I went to the conference which is good, and still within my “Battle of the Final Ten.” I may have been fighting this battle for a while now but it’s a battle fought on many fronts – in the gym and in life. We fight it every day. And it’s hard to resist the temptations (”My Girl. My Girl. Talking ’bout my girl…” sorry, just wanted to be goofy and break out into song) of food. It is, especially when food is everywhere. Kind of like in the movies when the hero has to make the treacherous walk/drive down a seedy street and there are pimps, hookers, drug dealers and gang-bangers lining both sides just lying in wait for the hero to step just a little off the path.

Sigh. So today I will be good. It’s all I can do. I will start this Monday with my cup of frustrating coffee (I just cleaned up the mess) and will start my day knowing it’s only Monday and that it’s OK.  I may have grounds to clean up, and laundry to fold, and a floor to vacuum, and bills to pay, and errands to run…

…but I am alive and breathing and doing OK with my weight. That is a gift and one I cherish every day. As long as I have those things I have the strength for anything.

Oh my God. Google has the coolest thing ever! If you visit Google even semi-regularly you know it changes its logo from time to time in celebration or honor of an event, person or anniversary. Well, this weekend, if you visit Google’s home page you will see they are honoring the 30th anniversary (!) of probably the most well-known, popular and addictive video game of the 1980s – Pac-Man. And not only do you see yet another in a long line of way-cool ways Google re-invents it’s logo to suit the event, person or anniversary – BUT YOU ACTUALLY GET TO PLAY PAC-MAN USING YOUR ARROW KEYS! It is freaking awesome!

Man! I remember going to the “game room” or arcade when I was a kid (it’s charming to say game room since and arcade since that was the only place to play games like Pac-Man) and spending quarter after quarter, and hour after hour, playing these games. It also just so happened that my local arcade was also a candy store. If you were willing to NOT spend $.50 of your Pac-Man money on the game itself you could buy a small bag of some sour this or sweet that, strawberry twists or gum balls. It was heaven for a kid…

…an unsuspecting kid who would never have thought i n a million years he’d grow up to grow out to 400 pounds.

It is very easy to say there were (and are) times I feel like that insatiable little yellow guy eating his way through dot after dot, fruit after fruit and ghost after ghost. I still look at certain foods and can almost hear the start up music that accompanied the beginning of each Pac-Man game as I salivate and ready myself to gobble up everything in sight.

I guess what I am trying to say here is that it took me a helluva long time as a kid to break myself of the video game habit (which I did after spending ten dollars in quarters, my entire allowance, in just a couple of hours one Friday) and it took a helluva lot longer to break myself of the unhealthy food cycle I was in as an adult that I don’t want to ever go back to being that way. I love food, don’t get me wrong. I so do. I just had a bad habit of eating everything, eating it fast and always wanting more – like being at a party and eating chip after chip, pretzel after pretzel and dip after dip.

Sound familiar? It should. They created a whole video game craze after it. I can hear the “wocka-wocka” sound now.

These days I exercise the control learned after three-and-a-half years of losing weight and a year-and-a-half of keeping it off to be able to go into a store or restaurant and not eat everything in sight. I wish it weren’t so easy to buy and eat crap. I wish bad foods didn’t taste so freaking good (especially fried mushrooms, hot dogs, buffalo wings, egg rolls, Milky Way candy bars, bacon cheeseburgers, fried chicken, ribs, chips, dips, french fries, etc.), but they do. And I wish it weren’t so easy to have them any time I want them just by getting into my car to go get them. But it is.

This is exactly when and why I pull back to remember what the weight loss journey was like, and that I am worth more than any of the regularly-gobbled up foods I used to consume in mass quantity on a daily basis. I still do have these foods, all of them, in moderation because I don’t want to be Pac-Man anymore. That no one’s going to take these foods away from me. That there are healthier, just as great tasting healthier foods out there. That I don’t need to feel full to feel satisfied. That I want to be at or around 225 to be around for another 30 years (at least) to enjoy foods from all over the world just in smaller portions. And that it’s OK to have them not as every day meals but wonderful treats…

…like visiting Google and having a good game of Pac-Man for old time’s sake.