Determined To Succeed

Day forty-three.

Happy Monday, everyone. So sorry this entry is on the late side today. My weekend was both good and bad. It was good because I am here and present and continue to be in sobriety (and yes, I did survive my Twinkie craving). The bad, I gained back two freaking pounds. Grrrrrr. So now I am back up to 240.5 and I do not approve one stinking bit! And you know what that means…my ass is so hitting the gym every day this week.

I also had a couple of really good twelve-step meetings Saturday and Sunday. I’ve said before how absolutely humbling they are because of others going through the same thing but yesterday’s meeting in particular struck a chord in me that I’d like to share.

In yesterday’s meeting we discussed the process of making amends to people. What struck me about this yesterday was that someone used a phrase I will keep with me the rest of my life. For in our quest to make things right with ourselves as we heal and to those we might have wronged, it is important to keep making “living amends,” meaning that no matter whether we are able to make amends directly or not (or if people even believe us or not) WE know we are on the right path and WE CONTINUE to be on our sober paths, leading good, sober and clean lives, taking care of keeping our side of the street clean of the filth that was there before.

That is so true no matter whether it is with weight loss or not. We so need to keep living the life we want to live to have the lives we want and, first and foremost, we as individuals must reconcile and forgive ourselves for wrongs done, too. When we do that we truly can begin making things right with the world even if there are parts of it that want no part in that healing. It is up to us to keep walking that path for us and no one else.

I say this about all addictions, really. No matter your drug of choice we need to forgive ourselves the past, make our self-amends and move on with today. Then, continue making those “living amends” so we never go back to being who or what we were before because we do deserve healing. And believe me, I know very well how much that applies to food, also. Using comfort food to numb things in my past got me to 400 pounds. But it’s also gotten me back to 240.5 and I need to be at 225. So what’s Bill gonna do about it? Workout, eat better and forgive himself, that’s what.

I know this isn’t an easy process. Hell, it’s far from it but we can make it and we will. I don’t know how many of you there are out there but even if only one person is reading or listening then all of this is worth it. It is worth it for the exact same reasons why a twelve-step meeting will take place even if there are only two people in the room – the group leader and someone else. Because someone is always there to understand what you’re going through and is there to support you in whatever recovery you are undertaking. That’s huge, especially knowing how hard kicking any addiction is.

I don’t have very much I want to share today except that, my friends. That you are not alone and to keep on even if it seems like you are alone because you are not alone. We stand together determined, which is why I chose the website name I chose. And don’t forget to forgive yourself. Put the past behind you and step forth onto a new path. It is scary but it is the best thing you can do for you, and you are the most important person in the world.

Day forty.

Well, my friends, it’s the end of another week and, as usual, I am out of creative juice. I am done, fini, toast…ready to start a weekend of working out, writing and catching up on life a bit. You know, laundry, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, laundry…oh, and did I mention laundry? I have to be sure I remember that one. But all of that is truly O.K. and I will tell you why…

Do any of you out there wear glasses or contact lenses? With few exceptions it seems everyone I know wears some form of occular support. I have always been a glasses man, myself. The thought of putting something in my eye that could get scratched, torn or lost has always seemed too much for me. My aversion to things in my eye happened way back when when my father, before he left, said he had a bad eye infection because something got in it. When my mom told him she wanted to see it he removed his sunglasses to reveal a huge ball under his eye (I can’t remember which eye right now) that all but shut it. She was furious at him for not taking care of it and I was scared – and scarred for life. Ever since then I’ve always sought out the most groovy pair of glasses I could find because surgery or contacts were not an option.

I bring all this up because I love my glasses, for they are more than glasses. They are bi-focals. Best. Glasses. Ever. I know you think I’m off my rocker but I love my bi-focals and am not embarrased in the least to share with the world the fact that I need them. I am so into them that I always make the joke about seeing above the line is like regular analog TV and below the line is like switching over to an HDTV. Regular, HD, Regular, HD. Hell, my glasses are even a toy for me sometimes.

Since finally coming to grips with the addictions in my life, which do include food, it’s like I now see the world constantly through the HD portion of my glasses. Everything is clearer and in much-sharper focus. I am seeing things in far more vivid color and things I failed to see before, especially about myself, are now clear as a bell.  I wish I could truly convey what that feeling is like. Just think about watching a regular TV and then an HD one and you get the gist.

I have also come to know a healthier way of eating these days, too. Cooking more, eating out less (which, can I tell you saves a shitload of money) and exercising has helped me get a handle on the weight loss portion of my life these days – much like it did before when I had far more weight to lose. It’s just the fine-tuning of the last damned 15 or so pounds that gets ya’. But I will get that weight off, especially now that I know what my triggers are and I can see them clearly.

It’s funny when you get a song in your head that won’t go away. Right at this minute I have the Johnny Nash song “I Can See Clearly Now” in my head:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

That is exactly how I feel right now. My dark clouds are gone. I am no longer blind. I can see clearly now and that is a beautiful feeling especially as we start the weekend. I may have to use my handy and trusty bi-focals but I wouldn’t trade them, or my newly-found ability to see things, for all the tea in China because there are nothing but blue skies all around and it truly is a sun-shiny day. That is why things like laundry, cleaning and the seemingly other dull moments in life are the ones truly worth living for.

Have a great weekend, my friends. Be well and be healthy. I’ll catch up with you again on Monday. Oh, and don’t forget to remind me to tell you if I survived my craving for Twinkies.

Day thirty-nine.

I have a neighbor whose name is Hector. He lives just around the corner from me and he’s a friendly guy. He is always walking around the neighborhood saying “hello” to people and he always has a smile on his face whenever you see him and every day Monday through Friday he is off to enjoy a day’s worth of activities someplace nearby. Seeing Hector and hearing Hector makes me feel lucky in so many ways every single day. Why? Because Hector is physically and mentally challenged.

I am not sure exactly from what or which challenge Hector suffers but it’s clear. Whenever I see Hector he always says “hey” and I always say “hey” back but what I really want to say is “you poor guy. I am so sorry you are afflicted the way you are.” But does he or would he ever want my pity? No. He, I assume, would just want my simple understanding that he is different. That’s all. Of course he can’t run, jump or even carry on a conversation at the level you and I are used to. But in Hector’s disability comes an incredible ability – the ability to just smile and try to appreciate the life he has.

I am quite sure he and his family go through the same things other families go through when a person can’t take care of themselves. They get frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious and tired and want some type of “vacation” away from the responsibility for that level of care. My aunt told me as much taking care of my mom, JoAnn’s, during her final months and in a letter or two after she died. It is a hefty burden, indeed, to care for someone that way but it makes me think about where my life has taken me in these almost 40 years.

Over 40 days ago I was in the throws of addiction and didn’t know how, when or where to get help. But thanks to the catastrophic failures I experienced I am now on a path of sobriety and recovery. I can again really taste food, enjoy it, enjoy being outside, exercising and more…and all because my heart, mind and soul are all now one again and in the same place. It’s sad, though. Before, when I was much sicker, I never thought about the lessons Hector could teach me. Now that I can think clearly I can see the absolute lessons God, my mom’s spirit and the universe are throwing my way.

Life is just too fucking short sometimes. You hear all the time about teens having their lives cut short in accidents or by health conditions about which they didn’t know. You see on the news horrific stories about people disgruntled at work grabbing a gun and blowing people away (which unfortunately happened recently in the Philadelphia area) just because of disagreements and perceived animosities. And you see all the time people who need help just walking down the street but who give it their absolute best because they are trying to cling to what’s left of their independence. But here I was pissing my life away with addictions, which did include food, wasting the gifts I was given for such a long time.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Well, so is health sometimes.

I would dare me, you, kids these days – anybody – to trade places with Hector for just five minutes. Use some sci-fi machinery to switch bodies for just five minutes and I would bet you anything, ANYTHING, that each and every person who did that would forever appreciate even the simplest of gifts like mobility and speech, gifts we all too often take for granted. In these sobering days I am soooooo appreciating life in ways I never imagined before because I could see where my life was going and where I would have ended up. I have always said to you I know I would have died sooner and not later if I stayed at 400 pounds and I will believe that until the day I see my mom again.

Why am I so down today? I’m not really, for if you listen you will hear the voice of someone who is breathing again and someone who is loving life and who will always do his best from now on to live each day well and appreciate everything in it. Even the simple ability to type out this silly weight loss blog every damn day is a gift, as is the gift of being able to exercise, take my mixed martial arts class and keep my weight in check so I can enjoy activities I’ve never done before. I will also no longer be bad about my eating because I don’t want to gain that weight back for if I did, that would be spitting in the face of all we work so hard to do every single day to maintain weight loss. It would also insult my mom. No,  I will not squander life and it’s gifts, including time, ever, EVER again.

So, the next time you are down about anything go for a walk, exercise, write a letter or talk to a friend. They may seem like simple things to you and me but these are all things Hector can’t do. And just when you think life isn’t going your way remember I know one guy who lives just around the corner who, I’m sure, would be more than happy to trade places with any one of us in a heartbeat to live the lives we live and be free from his own limitations.

Day thirty-eight.

I will apologize now if today’s entry seems a bit off. It comes from my experiences attending last night’s meeting. There’s just no other way to say this, but last night’s twelve-step meeting was weird. There was just a weird energy in the room. As there were twelve of us and it was all guys, the subtle movie reference to “Twelve Angry Men” wasn’t lost on me, but it was the tone that was different and more pronounced. It wasn’t angry. It was a tone of desperation. Quiet desperation. That’s the only way I can put it to you.

I am always humbled being in my meetings because I find people struggling with the same addictions from which I suffer (including the urge to eat everything in sight). It helps to ground me and make me absolutely thankful for the life I have. But I have to admit sometimes I do not suffer from the same moods others do, and there seemed to be a sense in the room from several of the guys of just going through the motions and being there just to be there, saying things because they are correct and guys “telling” on themselves as if in Catholic confessional – as if to clear their consciences of what they’ve done so they can maybe do it again. I don’t know how much of this had to do with last night’s topic of amends-making but it was clear several of the guys just wanted to get stuff off their chests, which is cool, but it seemed the desperation felt by them was of feeling lost and not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

As I sat and listened I felt compelled, almost, to just say something positive just to have a positive affirmation of some type in the air. It wasn’t a “blow smoke up your ass” kind of comment, it was honest, but I wanted it to be of some affirmation that we were all doing well offering each other friendship and fellowship while working on those afore-mentioned amends, not just to others but to ourselves, too, because, in my mind, we absolutely have to continue backing up those amends with actions. That, and only that, makes those amends stick and mean something. I’ll give you an example related to food.

Last month I received free coupons in the mail for Chick-Fil-A (and I loves me some Chick-Fil-A). These coupons were for a free breakfast sandwich, a free Spicy Chicken Sandwich and a free Coke Zero. I may not be able to use all the coupons at the same time but this small sheet of coupons is rare because no other purchases were required. Just drive up, order the freebie, turn over the appropriate coupon and leave. Easy-peasy. But my problem comes in when I think about the WHY I want to take advantage of those coupons.

Not growing up with very much food I hoarded what I could. That comes from the insecurity of abandonment, that feeling of “what will I have if this goes away?” That’s all. Being in good therapy these days I recognize it for what it is and I am now better-equipped to say “food will not leave me, even if I do not take advantage of this coupon.” My conflict comes also from it being free food and a waste if I don’t use it, which goes against my grain to use the blessing of free food when and where I can. However, I made an apology to myself for being 400 pounds in the first place and for regaining 20 or so pounds after mom died.  I made an amends to get right with myself to re-re-re-re-lose this last bloody 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight.  If I used those coupons, even though it is for free food, it would mean my amends meant nothing (especially since the chicken sandwich in question is deep-fried and the breakfast sandwiches, while yummy, aren’t the healthiest for you, calorically speaking).

So, in my meeting last night I tried to say to these guys, “look, we are here working on this but we need to keep working on this. We can’t just come here to spout off and go away. This is as honest and as real as it gets and we have to back up those amends for not only the people in our lives but for ourselves. That’s why we’re here.” God, I hope that message got through because I take sobriety and addiction very seriously, especially since it can so frequently involve food and eating and easy, easy weight gain.

I left that room last night as fast as I could without being rude because I wanted to be back in my positive zone. I know there will be times I am down in the dumps but I will remember my blessings and push through those times because, having been where I’ve been, I never want to be there again. Ever. That includes being 400 pounds because quietly desperate times like last night make the desires for cheeseburgers, fried mushrooms, Chinese food, pizza and more that much stronger. But it’s through the amends process, and the twelve steps, that I am trying my best to not just SAY I’m gonna be better but actually BE better in my new and healthier reality.

Download This Episode

Day thirty-seven.

Last night I had the pleasure of attending the presentation of the 2010 Liberty Medal at Philadelphia’s National Constitution Center. The medal was presented by former president Bill Clinton to Britain’s former prime minister, Tony Blair,  honoring his success resolving the conflict in Northern Ireland and his ongoing pursuit of peace in the Middle East and Africa. But even as I listened to the incredibly worth-while reasons to give such a distinguished honor to a bloke I liked when he was in office in the U.K., I was thinking about two other things – my recent weight gain and, of course, the motivation to take it off.

I know you must be saying, “what is this yahoo talking about weight loss for when he’s attending a ceremony honoring a world leader?” Well, my friends I will tell you. It had to do with one of the seven lessons of liberty learned by former prime minister Blair in his efforts to bring change to the world. In fact, it was the first one that struck me the most – “Every milestone on the road to liberty marks a struggle. . . . opposition, even defeat, and occasionally desperation along the way.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks because I could instantly equate it to weight loss. I even played with the words a bit just to see if it would fit and it did.

“Every milestone on the road to weight loss marks a struggle. . . . opposition, even defeat, and occasionally desperation along the way.”

I thought about the milestones on my own weight loss journey, including the struggles to just take the first ten pounds off. I thought about the current weight I need to re-lose. I also thought about all the pain and emotion in-between and it fit, incredibly and absolutely. However it also proves that not only is weight loss possible but that it is also not a clear, smooth road and that it can and will be difficult at times and those difficult times are to be expected.

Losing weight is a struggle, one that requires you to take care of the one person who needs you the most – you. But there will be times when you don’t feel like going on, and when you feel like giving up because it just ain’t worth it. Believe me, I’ve been there. But in what Mr. Blair said is the truth of it – there is hard work in achieving any goal worth achieving and it wouldn’t be noteworthy once you reach that goal unless you had to absolutely climb some mountain, miss some pothole or get over some bump to get there. That is what makes milestones milestones. Because of what you had to get through to get there, they are a marker of success. They are a marker of your success.

The other point Mr. Blair made about peace, the seventh, that could also be applied to weight loss was this: “Liberty needs optimism. . . . No one has ever achieved anything by being a cynic or a pessimist.” He added that peace ultimately came to Northern Ireland primarily “because the people felt it could happen. That optimism of the human spirit is what drives liberty.” So let’s switch out a word or two…

“Weight loss needs optimism. . . . No one has ever achieved true and sustained weight loss by being a cynic or a pessimist.” Losing weight ultimately happened to those committed to it primarily “because the people felt it could happen. That optimism of the human spirit is what drives us to our weight loss goals.”

See? Even at a very cool ceremony honoring peace we can also find a way to honor our struggles in our own battles of the bulge.

I guess I took this to heart so much because I am now back on my way down in my own weight loss. I am down a pound today and am feeling every ounce of it gone from my body (thank God). It’s a good feeling knowing I have not only recommitted to my life and my soul but also to my weight loss and am not using food to numb pain or shame. I love food but I should use it for more than just yummy fuel. It is not a drug and it is not to be used to numb away pain.

I may talk about more of Mr. Blair’s lessons tomorrow as several more could also be applied to our struggles as the large trying to become smaller and lighter. But for today this is a great start. Or should I say re-start. So thank you, Mr. Blair, wherever you are. Your words prove that there is commonality in this world if we just get past our own petty bullshit to find it. THAT, my friends, is what will eventually save this planet. And it’s that commonality that makes our fellowship in weight loss stronger and helps us to know none of us are alone.

Day Thirty-Six.

I am sitting at my computer today not really knowing how to write today’s blog. I had a great and very positive weekend this past weekend anchored by three(!) twelve-step meetings. While the one on Saturday morning was a bit different all of them grounded me in my reality now, especially knowing there are so many others who know what I’m going through (particularly with the food and eating aspect of things). However, as wonderful as the meetings were they were not the highlight of the weekend. That came yesterday morning when I awoke to the sound of softly falling rain. That moment, for me, was peace on earth.

But how do you describe peace? I don’t know, especially since we all have such varying definitions of it, but I will give it a try. Imagine you have just woken up from a wonderfully restful sleep, the kind of sleep where not only had eight hours sleep but you FEEL like you had eight hours sleep. Now, add to that rest the sound of silence, a silence that includes no street noise at all – no cars passing or horns honking. Just silence. Even the birds outside have taken a moment to take in the serenity of the moment. Now, add in the final element – the sound of rain. Not torrential rain, but a steady, moderate and softly falling rain hitting the trees and their leaves in such a way that you can almost see a rhythm to it, a pettern, as you envision each leaf as it welcomes a raindrop onto its surface.

For at least a good twenty minutes yesterday that was my world and it was the most beautiful the world has been in such a long time. If I could have recorded that to play back when I was feeling stressed I would have. The last time I felt that perfect communion with nature was when I spread my mother, JoAnn’s, ashes in the park I played in as a child. It was raining like that on that day, too, and I was instantly transported at that moment to when I was a kid just sharing a walk in the park with my mom. That was also the last time I felt whole and like a complete human being…that is, until now.

My weight is up again (I am at 240.9 today) and of course I am put off by that. Anyone would be, especially when they think, like me, they’ve been doing so well. But I know I will be O.K. and like I am always fond of saying today is the day I get back on the path of eating better, watching my portions and exercising. But the why of why I know I will be O.K. comes from being sober and comes from the fact that my mind, body and soul are all now in one place at one time and open to hearing sounds in their purest form like the sound of rain falling early on a Sunday morning.

I know there are so many of us going through tough times. I hear examples of those tough times each time I attend a meeting. But whether or not you attend meetings or not, and no matter if your struggles are only about weight loss or not, keep a hold of your peace – that one thing that brings you back to center, grounds you and makes you feel whole and calm again. It may be the briefest of moments, or it maybe stopping to enjoy a specific memory. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is that you have something to hold onto when you feel the noise of the world bearing down on you. For me, it happened the day I said a final good-bye to my mom in physical form and it happened again yesterday and it’s moments like that I realize what a true gift life is and how I intend to appreciate it from now on.

That is such a beautiful way to start a day and I wanted to share that serenity with you guys, especially if you have to go back to the hustle and bustle of the week. But take heart. If you are on a weight loss journey, like me, you will lose it. If your journeys are deeper, like mine, you will travel them well and bravely. How do I know this? Because I truly believe there is peace in this world and if we are open to receiving it, in whatever form it comes, it will bring us the breath we need to keep us going no matter what we have to handle in life.

Thanks for letting me share that with you this morning. I hope you have a great day no matter what you do. Just promise me you will take a moment today and listen for that peace. If you do, odds are, that peace, whatever it is for you, will find you, too.

Day Thirty-three.

Well, here we are again. We reached the end of another week and, as usual, my brain is toast.  Overall, it’s been a pretty good week except I am desperately trying to shed these remaining, stubborn-ass pounds. I don’t like being up in my weight but am looking forward to my martial arts workout today as I continue on my path toward better health (and a lighter weight).

There are a number of factors that have gone into my recent weight gain but ultimately what made me gain weight back was my eating, my soda drinking, my dessert eating, my snack binging and my non-portion controlling. That’s all it is, plain and simple, and I freely and willingly admit to it. I have always emotionally eaten and thanks to some good old-fashioned therapy I am finding out exactly why. Shame.

It’s amazing what we do to abuse ourselves out of shame. Some people lash out at the world while others, like me, try to hide it all and stuff it down to lock it away using things like food. Wow. I never realized how much I had packed away down there until I started opening up the boxes and seeing what there was inside.

I know I’ve told you guys about not having much money growing up, and because of that my mom and I frequently didn’t know where our next meal was coming from. But what I didn’t tell you about was the shame that caused. It caused shame because I could never have friends over to my place, and even if I did (which I would never have) I didn’t have what other homes had – video games, a VCR (yes, it was the 80’s after all) or even a color TV. I know my mom did the best for me she could and loved me very much but those things, combined with the almost constant verbal abuse spouted by kids (hey fatty, Buffalo Bill, etc.) made me just want to go hide. What it ended up doing, though, is creating someone who falsely depended on food to mask his pain and toxic shame.

Food was my solace. It was my way out and my drug of choice back then to make the world go away for a precious little while. And when it was Chinese food from my favorite place, Lung Wah Chop Suey on 53rd Street, I was in self-medicated heaven. Their egg rolls still have their taste etched onto the permanent memory of my taste buds, and the beef chop suey such a comfort that any place that serves a beef chop suey today has a special place in my heart.

That is what shame can do, and my over 400 pounds is what stuffing all that shame down with food can do.

Today is the start of the weekend and, as you regular readers know (and thank you for being out there) I worry about the weekends because I tend to let go a little more than I should. But I am so trying, especially now that I am better than I have ever been in my life, to purge the bad and dark energies and karma in my life to get to the real me again. And yes, it will be a me, in part, that is at or around 225 pounds.

I know I’ve told you all before that you can do it but I need to say today that you do need to get down to why you are really eating to do it. Are you sad, lonely, depressed, angry, upset, foolish, in denial, happy or tense? Dare I say there is an emotional reason deeply rooted in you that is causing you to act out and eat. This may all be conjecture on my part and certainly doesn’t take into account those of you out there who suffer from a medical condition that makes you gain and/or doesn’t allow you to lose weight, but I’d be willing to guess that for most of us we are masking something deep down that is the root cause of our eating.

My friends, it is time to be brave and address what is really going on inside. We spend so much of our lives trying to hide these things that we end up putting so much pressure on ourselves just to maintain the ruse. You are worth more than that, believe me, you are. And I am sure that whatever is causing you to feel shame, guilt, remorse, anger, fear, regret, all of it, once found can actually help you see why that cheeseburger doesn’t taste as good as you think it does.

In my life’s journey, and in my weight loss journey, I have discovered many things. But most of all, through trials and a helluva lot of errors, I’ve found that I am worth it as a person to be healthier and to live a long and happy life. We all need food to survive, and we should all enjoy the foods we eat because they are good and part of life’s most wonderful experiences. But food is not a drug and should never be used as one. We should not need it to be because, in the end, we must not let whatever feelings we truly have buried bury us for real.

Today is Friday, the sun is shining and it is a beautiful day. Go out and enjoy it and this amazing weekend. And if you have to work, have a multitude of errands to run or are going through something in your lives take heart. There is someone out here who understands and who understands the why and how of weight gain and loss. And who, like you, wants to truly get better about taking care of the one person we should always take care of first and foremost – ourselves.

Day Thirty-two.

I don’t know if you guys know about this or not, but NASA confirmed yesterday two small asteroids passed within the moon’s distance from the Earth about 12 hours apart. Yep, near-Earth asteroid 2010 RX30, which is estimated to be 32 to 65 feet in diameter, passed within 154,000 miles of Earth around 5:51 a.m. ET, while the second object, 2010 RF12, estimated to be 20 to 46 feet in diameter, passed within 49,088 miles of Earth close to 5:12 pm ET. This double encounter was unusual in the sense that NASA spotted the objects three days in advance and successfully plotted their orbits, demonstrating the need for closer monitoring of near space for Earth-threatening encounters.

According to Donald Yeomans, manager of NASA’s Near Earth Program, which tracks potentially hazardous asteroids and comets within 28 million miles of Earth, the ability to track these asteroids days in advance of their “arrival” confirms that the process NASA has in place (whereby they find, observe and then quickly predict when such things pass Earth to get that info out) works pretty well.

I would say so, although my initial gut reaction was “holy crap, it’s ‘Armageddon’ and we need Bruce Willis to go up in a shuttle and yell ‘yippee-kay-a mother fucker’ before saying ‘we win, Gracie’ and blowing up the damn thing. My second reaction was to think back to a time when I was a kid working on his science fair project about space, specifically black holes.

According to the general theory of relativity, a black hole is a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon and it is called “black” because it absorbs all the light that hits it, reflecting nothing, just like a perfect black body in thermodynamics.

All of that is a fancy way of saying ain’t nuthin’ gettin’ out of any black hole.

Thinking back over the past few decades I have come to realize how very close I actually got to that event horizon in my life, that point from which I could never have returned because of my behaviors and my fractured soul. And thinking about how close I got made me shudder but instantly thankful I was able to bottom out and escape the nothingness of true failure.

Last year I wrote a couple of pieces on failure. I wrote them after attending church one Sunday and hearing the pastor talk about a passage in the Bible that says how people will fall and rise seven times as we try to achieve success or victory over evil.

I’m human, and humans look for too many quick fixes, solutions, methods or excuses so there’s (or seems to be) less likelihood of failure, I wrote, and how we use these things to blame someone or something else for our failures. We say to ourselves: “Oh, well I ordered that thing and did what I was supposed to do to lose weight but it didn’t work.” My friends, I said it then and I will repeat it now, the highest peaks of our achievements and successes always go through the lowest valleys of failure. And humility, patience, the ability to learn and grow from mistakes and, most of all, appreciation for success comes from failure.

Having known what true failure is in life I truly appreciate the feelings I now have of sobriety and being a better human being each and every day. Not acting out (especially with food and eating – I was so much better yesterday) and appreciating life again and all its positive energies is what I will continue to do throughout the rest of my life – that is my focus. But there are forces out there in the universe like those asteroids and like those black holes that threaten our stability, even our very sanity, and we must do our best, like NASA, to see them coming and prepare for them so we can avoid the blackness and destruction they bring.

No journey worth taking is without risk, pitfalls, bumps and dangers. I know that. In my current weight loss journey, for example, I am still trying to re-lose this damn extra almost 14 pounds (grrrrrrr). But I will, especially now, succeed in all the aspects of my life especially when I can see asteroids or black holes coming my way. There are black holes out there in the universe, but it’s the stars and light that surround them that mark their path so we can avoid them along our journey. I came dangerously close to the event horizon once in my life and I will be damned if I ever again get that close no matter how the universe can sometimes conspire to want me to fail again. And you should hold onto that assurance, too, that you can and will achieve success in your life no matter how many times you stumble. We are all human and we will achieve success together.

Bruce Willis is a person and an actor. He’s not Harry Stamper, the character he portrayed in “Armageddon,” and he won’t be flying at 22,500 mph to land on that asteroid and blow it up before it hits earth. No, my success or failure in the end depends on one person, me, and I am holding firm at thirty-two days and counting that I will continue to grow, be positive, be a better man day by precious day and be my mother’s son again.

Day thirty-one.

I’ve talked about going to twelve-step meetings before but last night’s meeting was weird. It even started off weirdly. The leader of the group couldn’t make it so it was up to the rest of us to make do. That was fine, though. Someone even brought a copy of the booklet that tells us the order of things in the meeting. What made the meeting weird were the topics selected for discussion – PMS and forgiveness.

Now before you go thinking we discussed THAT PMS, the PMS we discussed stood for pain, misery and suffering. This topic was brought up by a guy in the group who has been going through his own bit of a tough time and I think he just wanted to let some of that out in group. O.K., I can roll with that, but it made everyone in the group tense and unsure because, while the subject of forgiveness is pretty straight forward, none of us could define pain, misery and suffering in the same ways.

The guy who brought it up talked about his own pain and suffering as well as the pain and suffering of someone with whom he recently shared a hospital room. Others brought up different specific occurrences of things that had happened, including acting out, that had made them each go through pain, misery and suffering. And more than one person talked about “self-medicating” some of that PMS away with food (and I could so totally relate to that with my own eating patterns as of late). When it became my turn to speak I thought about PMS in two different ways – my own general PMS and the PMS I have caused others.

You never really quite know what goes into the recipe for an addict. Oh sure there are the things you know will cause damage to a person but I was never abused by my mom. Not once ever, yet there are so many lingering things that happened, including how and where we lived, that did cause my own form of PMS, hence why I became an addict. Then I thought about the PMS I caused others with my actions, another reason I go to meetings. I know I have done wrong but I am trying to be a better man and do a better job of it every single day.

Then it came to the topic of forgiveness. I think the energy of the room, set by the guy with his suggestion of PMS, didn’t really let the positive energy of forgiveness in. In other words, people wanted to be in their pain last night and feel it. But does it make me wrong for not wanting to be in such a negative place? I don’t think so.

There comes a point in every situation in life when you come to a bridge. It connects the feelings, actions and thoughts of the past with the dreams, wishes and positive energies for the future. Sometimes, you don’t know how or when it’s appropriate to begin crossing that bridge due to guilt (like causing so many others PMS) but you know in your heart and mind it is time to do it and I did, because if I am to become that better man I always talk about I have to cross that bridge. And because it’s a bridge there is always a link to the past even though my feet are heading to that better future.

At the end of the meeting last night I did my best to leave that room as fast as I could. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and there are a couple of people who are cool in that group, but I wanted as much distance between myself and that PMS energy as possible last night. And there’s nothing wrong with that.  You know I think all the time about my eating patterns, and how lately I’ve been so bad because of various emotions – guilt, sadness, anger, happiness, nervousness – and I need to get a handle on that, too. That is part of forgiveness, and like I’ve always said in this weight loss journey (or any journey for that matter) you have to forgive yourself the past to be able to cross that bridge. If you don’t, and you keep using food to run away from what you are truly feeling, there is no way you can move across that bridge into a better future for yourself.

I ended the night last night watching the end of a beautiful movie called “City of Angels.” In it Nicolas Cage plays an angel who, after falling in love with a doctor played by Meg Ryan, decides to give up being an angel and fall to earth to be with her. It was romantic, ethereal and cool, but the true message of the movie was about embracing life. In that movie, angels cannot feel. They cannot taste, smell or touch (or be touched), and the sensations of water when you swim are completely lost on them because of it. I won’t give away the ending (and you should really watch this flick) but Cage’s angel finds a way at the end to leave the past behind and enjoy and embrace life. He goes for a swim, and he can finally experience what a pear tastes like and he knows that just one moment with Ryan was worth the journey he undertook. And its in the last moments of film we see that he will be OK in his new human life experiencing the beauty of his newly-found humanity.

That was a wonderful way to end my night and a beautiful way to start my day.