Determined To Succeed

Day two.

It seems silly to jump back into writing my usual upbeat, movie-themed weight loss blog, particularly in light of the events of the past few days. Who am I, a flawed and damaged human being, to tell ANYONE how to do anything? That’s a question I have asked myself repeatedly, believe it or not, since I began writing this thing. But the answer to that lies in the simple fact I did lose weight and did it by changing my lifestyle and eating habits.

When I started this whole process I was over 400 pounds. I was a massive man. I know that I must have fodder for many a McDonald’s drive-thru worker when they saw this elephant driving up to them, handing over some cash and taking a bag full of food stuff that were going to add more fat and cholesterol and salt and sugars to my body. And for what?! Just so I could have a convenient and hot “breakfast” on my way to work? That’s crap. I would bet you anything fast food employees talk about the people they see and have bets to see who serves the fattest person that day or that week.And am I saying that to be harsh? No. It is the truth. The cold, hard truth, and the same truth I had to face when I began trying to lose weight.

When I saw that photo of me in the shark tunnel at the aquarium I really saw the result of what I had been doing to myself over years and years of fucked up, messed up emotions, situations and thoughts. I used food. I used it to feel better, take away pain, ease guilt, celebrate happinesses (is that even a word), join with friends…it was everywhere and I took it. Which meant that when I saw that photo I knew I had to do something about it. Me, and me alone.

Here’s another reason I feel silly, folks. Thanks to the catastrophic failures I mentioned yesterday I am finally able to be honest and say how selfish I really am as a human being. I also know, in light of that, how weird it is to say “I” and “me” as much as I have in today’s writing. The only thing I can say is that in this weight loss, the only thing I seem to have done right over these past few years, I did it. Me, and me alone shed this weight. Nobody held a gun to my head to make me eat that God-forsaken “food” I loaded up on and no one was going to be able to help me on my journey. I had to do it alone.

This brings me back to my opening paragraph. How silly I feel trying to write something upbeat when I don’t feel upbeat. But I have to be true to myself and mention a movie quote (and no, it’s not from “Star Wars”). This one is from the 1987 Brian DePalma film “The Untouchables.” In that film, DeNiro, as Al Capone, walks around all his lieutenants holding a baseball bat talking about the virtues of being part of a team. You know the scene I mean. Well, before the infamous “batter-up” he does to one of them for getting raided he talks about standing alone at the plate and how that is the time for individual achievement.

In weight loss it is you, all you, standing alone at the plate. That’s why it’s scary. The cheeseburgers, fried chicken pieces, pops, candies, McMuffin sandwiches and doughnuts are the fast balls, curve balls and sliders you have to try to navigate, out-guess and out-think so you don’t strike out and fail that time up to bat. And no one is standing up there with you. I cannot talk about that enough. It’s a scary fucking time in weight loss especially because no one is doing it for you. Oh sure, they can and might encourage, suggest and support but at the end of the day it’s only you who can make your feet move in exercise and make your hands NOT pick up one of those curve ball cheeseburgers.

Bill Murray the actor once said in a famous award acceptance speech that he didn’t know who to thank for the honor because so many people were trying to take credit that he didn’t know where to begin. Funny how successes in someone’s life are like that award, with people always trying to take credit for someone else’s hard work, blood, sweat and tears. I can assure you, however no one did this for me. I did it. Me. Bill Larson, who might be weak in other areas of his life but wasn’t in this one.

That why I always try to support you guys in your weight loss. It can be a very lonely road to travel when you do decide to, and I know from experience that it helps sometimes having people there who have gone through all this before to really offer encouragement, wisdom or a good kick in the pants. But the best thing I can offer you is that understanding of how alone you can feel. I am actually (and ironically) on another losing trend again. I am within losing that final ten pounds. This time, though, it’s because I am finally being a man and owning up to things I’ve done in my life, apologizing for them and trying to do some right, and by doing that I am not picking up food as a way to suppress it all.

That is why, despite the rest of the strike outs I’ve been having in my life, in my weight loss and my ongoing weight loss journey, I am hitting a home run. Good luck to you all today as you step up to the plate. You can do it. I know you can.