Determined To Succeed

Day one-hundred-ten.

O.K. So? How did you do on Thanksgiving? Did you go off half-cocked and eat your fill? Or did you go off fully-cocked and clean your plates twice (and finish off others’ too)? I actually did O.K., but just O.K. I had one big plate of food, but just one. I had no dessert (I couldn’t have fit it inside me anyway – after all, my body is not Doctor Who’s TARDIS) but hours later I did have a small plate of fresh leftovers. In the end, like I said, I think I did O.K., and later today I will be working out. Or should I say working off (smile)? No matter the case, I enjoyed Turkey Day 2010, but now it’s time for serious work.

I said in my post on Wednesday that sometimes the holidays are about weight maintenance, and that is the truth. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to the food gods to NOT gain weight. But that’s not how things work. The only way things work is when I make them work, plain and simple. That goes for all aspects of my life. All our lives, really, including food.

My biggest problem has always been portion control. It’s a thing that goes back for me to when I was a kid. My mom, who always did her absolute very best and worked so hard, did put food on our table, but there were times we both had less than what we wanted. There were times we went a bit hungry. That’s how I came to hoarde food, a trait I carried with me into adulthood. Sigh. Old habits die hard, I guess. Really, really hard.

So, as I surveyed the bounty on the table yesterday I gave thanks to God for the good things in my life, gave thanks for being able to become a better person, gave thanks and prayers for and to my mom, JoAnn (who I imagined had just as bountiful a Thanksgiving in Heaven as I did here) and gave thanks for the food in front of me. Then, I took a breath and decided I was only going to have one plate of food.

After all, no one was going to take my food away from me.

Now it’s the day after and I am thinking about returning to normalcy, returning to my routine of working out and eating smaller portions. Thanksgiving is an amazing day but today is another day, a Friday (and hell no – I didn’t go out at 2:00 a.m. to shop for Black Friday specials), a day leading into the weekend and you guys know how I sometimes fear the weekends. Sigh again, but it’s all O.K. It’s O.K. because, one, I know that Thanksgiving is a day to be enjoyed, food and all. Two, because weight loss and maintenance is all about getting into (or back into) routines and that is what I will be doing. What, I think, we will all be doing.

So, have a wonderful weekend, my friends in weight loss. I am also thankful to all of you, as well. We are all in this together and I am human. I love my turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and everything. But today is another day and this is another weekend, and by the time you next read me I will have worked out three times…and hopefully eaten less, too.

Day one-hundred-eight.

I hate feeling sick, and not just the kind of sick where you act like a baby but the kind of sick that genuinely knocks you out, zaps all your strength, makes your brain almost overheat and you spend all day (and most of the night) in one room of the hosue (and that ain’t the living room). I had a day like that yesterday and I swear to you I felt like complete and utter crap.

Needless to say my eating was thrown off severly. I think what caused it in the first place was what I ate. You see, lately I’ve been really good at shopping and eating at home and I got these frozen ribs. The old Bill would have eaten a whole slab of ribs, cole slaw, french fries and two pieces of white breat which also had a generous portion of bar-b-que sauce smeared on them. This new and improved Bill merely ate six ribs and a helping of green beans. No potato, no bread, just the meat and veggie. Wow. All I have to say is it started that night (Monday) and took me all through yesterday. What a shitty way to lead into Thanksgiving, though. A day completely devoted to food and enjoying food, football and more food and I now have to be careful and make sure I don’t overdue it especially since I am trying to finish feeling better.

I do feel much better today thanks to actually getting some food into me last night and taking it easy this morning (my apologies for being so late with today’s blog). I just didn’t want to push it by getting up early and not getting enough rest.

But me being sick isn’t what you want to hear. I know, it’s all about Thanksgiving and enjoying a day with family, friends and loved ones…oh, and a little bit of turkey and all the trimings thrown in. So, for both me and you, here are some wonderful and healthy eating tips to remember for tomorrow so you don’t end up feeling like a turkey on Thanksgiving:

Get Active

Create a calorie deficit by exercising to burn off extra calories before you ever indulge in your favorite foods. As much as we don’t want to hear it, eating less and exercising more is the winning formula to prevent weight gain during the holidays so increase your steps or lengthen your fitness routine the weeks ahead and especially the day of the feast.

Eat Breakfast

While you might think it makes sense to save up calories for the big meal, eating a small meal in the morning can give you more control over your appetite. Start your day with a small but satisfying breakfast — such as an egg with a slice of whole-wheat toast, or a bowl of whole-grain cereal with low-fat milk — so you won’t be starving when you arrive at the gathering.

Lighten Up

Whether you are hosting Thanksgiving dinner or bringing a few dishes to share, make your recipes healthier with less fat, sugar, and calories.

Police Your Portions

Thanksgiving tables are bountiful and beautiful displays of traditional family favorites. Before you fill your plate, survey the buffet table and decide what you’re going to choose. Then select reasonable-sized portions of foods you cannot live without. Also, don’t waste calories on foods that you can have all year long. Fill your plate with small portions of holiday favorites that only come around once a year so you can enjoy desirable, traditional foods. Also…

• Try to resist the temptation to go back for second helpings.
• Leftovers are much better the next day, and if you limit yourself to one plate, you are less likely to overeat and have more room for a delectable dessert.

Keep to Best Bets

While each of us has our own favorites, keep in mind that some holiday foods are better choices than others. White turkey meat, plain vegetables, roasted sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, defatted gravy, and pumpkin pie tend to be the best bets because they are lower in fat and calories. But if you keep your portions small, you can enjoy whatever you like.Slowly Savor

Eating slowly, putting your fork down between bites, and tasting each mouthful is one of the easiest ways to enjoy your meal and feel satisfied with one plate full of food. Choosing whole grains, fruits, vegetables, broth-based soups, salads, and other foods with lots of water and fiber add to the feeling of fullness.

Go Easy on Alcohol

Don’t forget those alcohol calories that can add up quickly. Have a glass of wine or a wine spritzer and between alcoholic drinks, (or) enjoy sparkling water. This way you stay hydrated, limit alcohol calories, and stay sober.

Be Realistic

The holiday season is a time for celebration. With busy schedules and so many extra temptations, this is a good time to strive for weight maintenance instead of weight loss. Shift from a mindset of weight loss to weight maintenance. You will be ahead of the game if you can avoid gaining any weight over the holidays.

Focus on Family and Friends

Thanksgiving is not just about the delicious bounty of food. It’s a time to celebrate relationships with family and friends. The main event should be family and friends socializing, spending quality time together, not just what is on the buffet.

And ain’t that the truth, my friends. So, to each and every one of you, have a happy, joyous and delicious Thanksgiving. I will check back in with you on Friday to see how you did (and let you know how I did). Hopefully I can maintain. And to all of us who are missing a loved one this Thanksgiving (I love you, Mama, so much and miss you) take time to be thankful for the ability to be happy and healthy. That is the best way to remember those not with us in body but always with us in spirit.

Enjoy, and have a slice of pumpkin pie for me, too.

Day one-hundred-six.

OK. Let’s face it. I suck at watching myself as much as I should over the weekend. I just do. Although I go into the weekend with as much vim and vigor as I can muster, I simply don’t keep it up and I fall into that deadliest of traps…saying “I’ll do it tomorrow.” Although in my case that is the truth. Today, after I write this and get some things done around the house I am getting my fat ass up and heading to the gym. That will be good, especially since this week is the eat of eats, Thanksgiving.

I did end up exercising on Friday and again on Saturday, which is good. However, after a spectacular workout Saturday morning I was done, over, finished, fin, and I shouldn’t have been. I ate like a pig both days and I am mad at myself for doing so. The (semi) good news is that I only gained a pound-and-a-half. Woo-freaking-hoo! That has me thrilled beyond belief! But still that is no excuse for eating the way I did.

What did I do right? Well, my workouts kicked arse. I did my boxing, I did my half hour on the elliptical, I did weights, I did push-ups, tummy crunches and more. It was awesome. But it was cold as shit outside after when walking back to my car and sweat plus the cold equals the chills for hours after. But I felt great. I do wish, though, we could alter ourselves so as not _ NOT – get a taste for sweets during the day, and particularly during our watching of some movies or TV. Curse the tongue and its forever-hungry tastebuds for wanting chocolate chip cookies.

Sigh. All that being said, like I said, I did O.K. this weekend. I am going to do my best to get down to 238-point-something before Turkey Day, though. This way I can enjoy a bit of Thanksgiving. Although I will eat slowly, as promised so I can feel full after not eating so much. But that still leaves the question – why do I suck at the weekends so badly.

I think at least part of it has to deal with being in the mindset of the work week. The regular Monday through Friday part of things that drives me to be better. In other words, I lump work in with work and not working with the weekend. So. O.K. mental note, I need to stay in work(out) mode on weekends. Duely noted.

I think this week’s Determined To Succeed weight loss blogs are going to be short. Not because I’m trying to cheat anyone out of Nobel Prize-worthy material but because I need to get movin’ and remember thouse new rules and regulations I laid down for myself. I simply must lose this weight no matter how yummy things are and how weekendy things feel. That’s my job, quest, ambition and goal. And something more…

…something about which to be very thankful I can work toward any day of the year.

Day one-hundred-three.

It’s Friday and I am sitting at my desk contemplating things, and I guess when I say “contemplating” I really mean “worrying about” things. I am “contemplating” the weekend, Thanksgiving, my birthday, the holidays (Christmas) and New Year’s Eve – all of which have one thing in common, food. I know I am the master of my own destiny when it comes to food and crap but ’tis the season to be jolly and ’tis the season to eat. Eat. EAT!

I already have worries enough about weekends, those times where I know I will either eat more than I should, not workout as much as I should or both. I don’t know why I worry so much, either. I mean I will be working out, at least tomorrow (Saturday) and might have a go on Sunday, too, but in my mind it’s social time, I guess. Not to mention our weather is starting to get colder and our animalistic instincts take over so we eat to store up fat for the winter. Grrrrr. I will just have to stay good and keep repeating that to myself as I take deep breaths and head to the gym.

Then, coming this next week, is Thanksgiving, my favorite food holiday, and I know I will be weak for all the trimmings that turkey brings to the table. I will be – wait for it – gobbling it all up (insert moans for bad pun here) and I just have to take deep breaths and know two things: one, that no one is going to take that food from me and two, that I should eat my first plate slowly and wait to feel full before I possibly – POSSIBLY – go in for plate two. Again, deep DEEP breaths.

Following Thanksgiving (again, a moment of silence for what is sure to be the pound or two I gain) is my birthday, and not just any birthday – my 40th. The 19th anniversary of my 21st and I do plan to celebrate life. I just have to remember to take deep breaths before diving into any kind of food stuffs (although I am sure a drink or six might be involved somewhere along the line).

Finally, the holidays, Christmas and New Year’s Eve – more food, making merry and eating! Egads! No wonder so many of us make resolutions to lose weight in the new year. We simply just want to lose what we’ve gained over the holidays and the winter being all animalistic.

So, O.K. There it is, laid out before us like a road on a map I sure as hell don’t want to follow but have to. And it’s not that I dislike this time of year. I like it very, very much. I just am slowly – SLOWLY – creeping back down in my weight (I am at 240.8 today) and I don’t want that headway to be lost. That’s all. But foods of this time of year are so full of warm, comforty goodness. Dammit! What’s a fat guy like me to do?

Stop.

Close my eyes.

Take a deep breath.

That’s what I have to do and hopefully that breath will fill my mind with the fresh air it needs to think clearly and fill my tummy with goodness so I don’t just stuff my face.

First thing’s first…let’s get through this weekend. Deep breath time. Have a great weekend, everyone, and good luck.

Day one-hundred-one.

Finally! After days and weeks of moving up and down and back up on the scale I am finally heading back down. How did I accomplish this? Simple. I stopped being such a bonehead with my portions, ate the amount a normal human would and exercised. I feel so much lighter, literally and figuratively, and it’s a relief to be headed back down expecially with birthday number 40 just 26 or so days away. To do this I have had to sort of meditate while awake, instead of folding my legs together, sitting on the floor and chanting “ooooohmmmmm.” In other words I’ve had to think about what I was doing WHEN I was doing it so I didn’t do dumb and stupid things trying to be good.  Case in point…

…I’ve known for weeks now that I have been drinking too much Coke Zero. It is awesome and way better calorically than a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola. But it meant I wasn’t drinking enough water. Also, I was having a little more than I should at dinnertime, putting just a few more potatoes, another scoop or two of rice or more bread on my plate. Bad Bill, Bad Bill. Even though I was exercising it still, at most, was keeping my weight where it was and, at worst, allowing it to inch up ever so gradually. But with 26 days to go (my goal for getting at least close to my goal weight of 225) I sort of slip into a self-imposed walking trance. Not the kind where I’d look weird or anything walking down the street, like a zombie in the recent rash of movies like THE WALKING DEAD. No, silently, I say to myself…

…Bill. Bill. You don’t – Hey BILL! Snap out of it! You don’t need to eat that much!

…Bill, you don’t need to eat that (and insert the name of a food treat here ala doughnut, candy bar, cake, ice-cream or soda variety).

…Bill, you need to get your fat ass up and exercise until you sweat!

…Bill, you want to get to your goal way more than you want this, that and the other.

See, and it worked. That, and watching THE BIGGEST LOSER last night. I know I have my criticisms of that show (chief among them that I believe people should lose weight if they go to a camp where their ONLY JOB is to lose weight, and I maintain how interesting it would be to follow normal people who don’t have Jillian or Bob yelling at them while they ride the swankiest equipment, but instead have to go about their daily lives – including running the fast food gauntlet every day) but it really did help get the taste for strawberry ice-cream out of my mouth.

Today is going to be more of the same. I’m going to keep focusing on what things I need to accomplish instead of how good something would taste (like chocolate). Also, I’m going to keep in mind the 241.6 I saw on my scale instead of the 242.8 from the other day and know I want to keep that going. Oh yes, I so want to keep that going. I just have to remember that a little bit of meditation is good for the soul and the waistline.

Besides, my Calvin Klein suit waits for me in my closet, staring back at me wondering if it’s ever going to be worn.

“Yes, my lovely suit. Yes, you will and one day soon.” I have to keep meditating on that, as well.

Day ninety-nine.

One of the things I remember growing up was my mom, JoAnn Larson, telling me there’d be new rules and regulations at home when she was displeased about something. It didn’t matter whether it was money, cleaning up, work, school for me, clothes…anything. If it needed fixin’ there were gonna be “new rules and regulations.” Well, at this point in my body’s life and my weight loss journey I need to state the same on two other fronts.

One, I am going to begin eating human portions again. I got to 225 eating what a normal, skinny guy would eat and it worked. I have the most success when I can put extraneous food(s) away and say “enough!” Like this mroning, I had a muffin for breakfast and ice water (see…not even coffee). I could have had another muffin but I didn’t. I am starting fresh to get my eating act together. I will also go workout today to help that along because I so feel like a hot air balloon today. Ugh. I feel so bloated. What a way to start the week. I am up a staggering three pounds in my weight (I’m at 242.8) and I am just puffy, bloated, fat and kind of grumpy about it. The good news is that I did get in a couple of really good workouts this weekend. The bad news continues to be my portion control. That is the problem. That, and snacking. Even though I have a wonderful, homemade trail mix of walnuts, Craisins and raisins, I eat way too much of it and drink waaaaaay too much Coke Zero. Sigh, and all that makes up the hot, heated air that makes my stomach inflate like…you guessed it…a balloon.

Two, after much thought, there are going to be some changes to my weight loss blog, Determined To Succeed, and its contents. Thanks to screwing up so much of my life over this past year I have wasted tons of time, time that I could have spent working on projects that are key and important to me. That means I am going to be cutting back on writing my blog to three times a week. It will still be regular (like metamucil) and I will continue to write the blog on Mondays, Wednesdays and probably Fridays (although that may change to Saturdays – we’ll see). This way I can devote more time, brain space, creativity and writing “umph” to those projects I mentioned. I must. It also means that certain sections of my website will be pared-down and/or eliminated. I just can’t keep up with them and know I won’t be able to regularly. I am so sorry about that but I want to give you the best blog and website possible. I don’t know which sections will stay or go (although MEMORIES OF MY MOTHER will remain definitely) but you will see soon. So if you see changes that is why.

I hope all of you who have followed my blog regularly will continue to follow me. If you follow me daily, thank you. If you follow me weekly and/or monthly, thank you. Thank you all. Please continue to do so. I will continue to write from the front lines of the battle of the bulge. I need to if only to keep myself current and accountable. I also hope my journey continues to help you guys too. I am just taking the time and energy I need to devote to some other things going on which you will learn about very soon (that, and the 40 or so things I plan to do for my 40th birthday).

All that being said it’s time to buckle down with our new rules and regulations. So if you are checking in today the next new blog will be Wednesday morning which by then will mean, hopefully, I have worked out like a fiend and have the chiseled body that inspired statues and countless works of art over the millenia. No? Well, at least have worked out and have eaten less so I can start that damned downward trend for the last bloody time. To win the battle of the bulge and not just fight it all the time. Have a great day everyone. Talk to you on Wednesday.

Day ninety-five (and a half).

O.K. I have to confess I am writing my Friday/Saturday/Sunday weekend weight loss blog on Thursday night instead of Friday morning. I have a meeting I need to attend way the hell out in bufu (is that how you spell it?) which starts at 9:00 a.m. So, instead of getting up before dawn starts cracking (and I was still sleeping for all intents and purposes anyway) I figured I’d give everyone my best, take advantage of my good momentum today and kick off all our weekends a bit early.

I did carry through with what I said I was gonna do. After I was all done posting my mushy, gushy mashed potato blog (mmmmm, mashed potatoes – oh, sorry) I took myself to go workout. It was awesome. I did my usual half-hour on the elliptical followed by some shadowboxing, tummy crunches, push-ups (yeah, you heard me, push-ups!), leg kicks and yoga. It was the most relaxing hour, not to mention it felt soooooo good on my achy right hip. Also, the gym was nearly empty which is awesome. I have to say working out gives me mental momentum, too. There’s something about sweating that clears the mind and helps you focus (well, at least it helps me focus).  And after the afore-mentioned meeting tomorrow (Friday) I plan to ditch my suit and throw on some sweats and hit the gym yet again.

Nothing like momentum to keep ya’ going, eh?

I also feel like such a bonehead. I completely forgot to mention it is Veterans Day today (Thursday), a day during which we honor our past and present military which is also observed as Remembrance Day in other parts of the world. Falling on November 11, Veterans Day marks the anniversary of the signing of the Armistice that ended World War I (major hostilities of World War I were formally ended at the 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month of 1918 with the German signing of the Armistice).

As many of you have read I am celebrating my own different and unique kind of peace. A peace that can only be achieved when demons are vanquished and the mind, body and spirit are brought back together as one, which for me took years. I said it the other day, I am saying it now and I will say it forever – I will let nothing, absolutely NOTHING, take away my peace. So going into this Veterans Day evening I wanted to mention a couple of things…

…one, how grateful I am to our past and present military for their service to this country for it is because of their service (and sacrifice) we enjoy freedom. It is absolutely our duty to keep in touch with what’s going on in the world (including the recently foiled bomb plots) to constantly remind ourselves what they fought, and are fighting, for. That we can enjoy peace in our own homes with our families is a gift. So thank you to all who serve(d).

…two, that the personal peace I am enjoying right now is something I want to enjoy forever, so I do not think mentioning momentum (something which implies movement) and peace (something that implies blissful rest) in the same sentence is wrong. One helps get to the other and I so want to continue my momentum for personal peace – peace in mind, my body in in my spirit – for the rest of my life.

 I do not know how many of you are out there checking in with me and Determined To Succeed (and thank you if you do) but I hope you get a chance to take care of yourselves this weekend, too. It’s supposed to be beautiful this weekend, with mild weather in the low- to even the mid-sixties (at least here in southern New Jersey). Unbelievable! That means I get a bonus chance to do some outdoor working out. Even if it’s  just a walk around the park it sounds great, looking at all the trees turning their gorgeous fall colors. Awesome! Simply awesome! It is that perfect chance for  momentum towards inner peace I want us all to continue not just this weekend but each and every day. For if we keep that momentum going, pressing forward and doing what we need to do we can achieve that peace – peace of mind, peace of body and peace in soul – we all strive for in our lives and which I strive for in mine.

Have a great weekend, everyone. And if you know or are a vet, tell them thank you for me, too. Talk to you all on Monday.

Day ninety-five.

Why the hell are mashed potatoes so damned good? I mean, they are only boiled potatoes, some milk (or creamy salad dressing like garlic or ranch), butter and salt. That’s all. Not very complicated at all, but then again many masterpieces are simple especially with food. And damned if that particular comination, while awesome, is also deadly. Deadly in terms of not being able to exercise portion control, deadly in terms of calories and deadly in terms of putting you in a straight-up food coma like it did for me last night.

There I was last night, minding my own business, having a fist-sized portion of meat loaf (just the right size) and delicious peas and there they were, staring at me from their Corning Ware fortress planning their attack. There they sat just waiting for me to come to them because they knew I would. Their allies, butter and salt were waiting on either flank to close in on the attack. I fell for it and they sprang into action. I added a big heaping deliciously warm lot to my plate and added butter (well, I added “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”) and salt. Oooooooooh, damn, were they delicious. But I shouldn’t have had that second helping…no matter how fun it is to eat mashed potatoes with peas. Ugh.

I am so damn lucky today because I only went up in my weight three ounces. I am at 239.7 and I must – MUST – get my ass to the gym today to workout before a couple of appointments this afternoon. For breakfast I had two small cinnamon rolls from Pillsbury (slightly stale) and I’m raring to go. But lurking in the refrigerator, gathering its forces for the inevitable attack is the dish of mashed potatoes, cold and dormant but waiting for the chance to be reheated.

Was all of that just a stupid, overly-dramatic way to say I shouldn’t have had two helpings of mashed potatoes last night because I ate too much and I fell asleep on my couch? Yes. But is it how I feel about some foods I am doing my best to control? Yes.

There are times in every food addict’s life when we all know and recognize what foods are danger foods. I have been doing great at ignoring and passing up the Chinese food lately. Not since that binge last month have I even looked at Chinese food, and I have been shopping and cooking at home consistently. It’s just that anything potato-ey is yummy goodness and I have to do my best to watch that, too. I may be eating at home but I can still set myself up for failure if I make things that are bad for me AND have them in unhealthy portions.

Today I am set in my ways and will be better. In fact the next time I write you I will have exercised AND eaten light, and that is the only deadly combination I want to face today, because it is on the good side of things. My side.

Day ninety-four.

Finally, a weight breakthrough! I checked the scale today and I am going down in my weight again. As of this morning I am 239.4. Woo-freaking-hoo! I am so excited I could…I could…workout! What an awesome way to start the day.

Although, my awesome day started with a, how shall I put it, strangely energized twelve-step meeting last night. I was so jazzed to get to the group and share last night but not everyone in the group shared my enthusiasm. In fact, one of the guys, “Bob,” shared that he didn’t want to be there. Plain and simple, and that was his entire share. I laughed and applauded his honesty after the meeting, however I was jazzed and this is why…

…Last week I went to see my therapist and, in our session, we got to talking about being caught in patterns of addiction and how thay can not only take over your life but also destabilize you as a person. I went into my past patterns and habits and how I am working every single day to change them and he said something to me I will never forget. he said, “Bill. I wake up every single day and say to myself that I’m not going to let anything take away my peace.” Those words floored me because there are two things at work. One, I now know what peace is and am living it day after day. Two, and most importantly, that I am the one with the control to continue living that peace. That, or the power to allow something to destroy that peace.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you are addicted to food, all addictions run the same. You can lie, cheat and shame your way into a situation that puts you on an endless treadmill of self-destructive patterns and believe me, that ain’t the good kind of treadmill that helps you lose weight. No, it’s the kind of wheel that just keeps turning, like a mouse does in its cage. You just keep spinning your wheels going nowhere fast.

Peace is such a fragile gift in this world and finally having a grasp of addiction and all its “evility” (yep, that’s right, I made up a word and I love it and will use it often to describe many things – and people) helps me maintain my peace, for it is I and I alone who is responsible for it. For example, I am the one who ultimately decides what I eat or not, how much I ingest and how much I go tyo the gym to workout to keep the weight off. It is just that simple. That is what so many of us don’t seem to grasp. It’s not up to, say, infomercials to sell us the latest weight loss suppliments, 5-Hour Energy drinks, equipment and videos that will somehow magically transform us. We must transform ourselves. We are the ones with that power and we control whether or not we have it or not.

Today, I finally am seeing results of me cooking and eating at home and it feels great. It really does.I am finally getting a hold of my life and turning it towards the positive. And each and every day I am doing my best to ensure that I maintain my peace and I do not allow it to slip from my grasp ever again. That goes for all aspects of my life, weight loss included. I do not want to buy anymore clothes unless thay are smaller…or for my upcoming 19th anniversary of my 21st birthday.

Have a great day, everyone.

Day ninety-three.

I can’t begin to tell you all the times Bill Ivory Larson wakes up on a given morning NOT feeling like doing something that particular day. Going to the store. Cleaning the house. Making a phone call to a creditor or business. Putting my nice warm and toasty feet on the cold, hard floor. It doesn’t matter. From time to time all of us face that point where we have to do something that we don’t want to do but have to do anyway.

Take for example working out, which for me has been more mental than anything lately. It’s not that I hate going to the gym. In fact, I love going and love sweating my ass off when I’m there. Sometimes, though, it’s purely because I HAVE TO GO that makes me not WANT to go. Know what I mean? It’s that I wish I didn’t HAVE to do it all the time. I wish I was one of those people who could (seemingly) eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce AND look like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine ad. But noooooooooo! I HAVE to go workout if I am going to merely keep my weight down. Bah! Bah, I say! The same goes for eating more nutritious foods, eating right and exercising portion control.

I know I should have a better mental attitude sometimes about weight loss. I absolutely do but I am human. But the thing that makes me know this is a story my sensei, Doug Shaffer, told me last week.

Doug told me the story of a kid he knew (you know a story will never end well when the words “kid” and “knew” crop up. Very foreboding, indeed) who was onloy twenty-one years old and died from an asthma attack. Poor guy. Went to a party, got plastered, went back to his place and zonked out. Somehow, he started having an attack and couldn’t get to his medicine (or was passed out while it was happening) and he died. he was found the next day by his girlfriend.

Just twenty-one, and with so much life ahead of him.

The reason I tell you that story today (and tell myself that story) is that we cannot sit on our butts and wait to feel like we WANT to do something. If there is something we have to do we should just go do it, for the love of God, and get it out of the way. I know I have never in my life been good at doing that because I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings (that they wouldn’t like me anymore), or that there would be repercussions (like at my former job where you would just not want to open your mouth out of dread and a constant fear of being fired for daring to speak out). If we wait, if I wait, to do do something for when I WANT to do it I might be waiting a long time. Worse, I will be wasting time in the process, and I have wasted too much time on addictions to waste anymore of it on silly things that are only in my head.

Next month, I am going to celebrate being 40 years old and in the coming weeks I will tell you how I plan to celebrate my birthday all year long. But in the meantime I’m just going to think about how I lived almost 19 years longer than a kid who died simply because he couldn’t take a breath. I know exactly how that feels. I, too, had asthma so bad I couldn’t breathe at times. Hell, it even made me pass out once. I’ve lived 19 years longer and that means I SHOULD do something with that and because of that. That is purpose. That is drive. That is will.

I will because I must make the most of each and every day. No. Matter. What.

My friends, if there is something you don’t want to do today but know that you have to keep two things in mind. One, that you are not alone. There are so many others facing similar feelings about their own situations. Two, once you get it over with you will feel so much better and can move on to the things you WANT to do (and yes, that does include eating what you should and exercising to keep weight in check). That is what I will do today. Do the things I need to do to make the time to do what I want to do.

In honor of that kid who didn’t make it to see 22.

In honor of my mom, JoAnn Larson, so I do not disappoint her.

Most of all, for myself so I can be the man I’ve always wanted to be and now strive for every day. One of which my mom can be proud and I can say did the hard things even if he didn’t want to so that he, and those closest to him, could be happy in the long run.