Determined To Succeed

Yesterday, I talked to a new friend of mine in Chicago who had recently told me about their extremely overweight friend, “Elle.” Elle is part of a lunch-bunch-like group of ladies who meet every week or couple of weeks and have fun, shoot the bull and, well, have lunch (or coffee or whatever).

Anyway, my friend, as well as others in the group, are very worried about Elle. You see, Elle is not just overweight, she is morbidly so. My friend guestimates Elle’s weight to be probably close to 400 lbs.  But moreover, Elle is having such bad health problems because of it she is in serious health danger. Elle is of fair complexion but her legs have turned dark thanks to lack of circulation. She has developed circulatory sores or ulcers on her legs for which she sees the wound center at the hospital. And she probably has more problems none of the others know about because Elle isn’t talking. Elle is floating down the river of denial (which ain’t just a river in Egypt). And she is floating closer and closer to losing her legs and, ultimately, losing her life.

Wanna know the kicker?

Elle works in a hospital, where she has access to all the health advice and care in the world, and her own brother is a doctor. When I heard that I couldn’t believe it. Here is a woman who is slowly killing herself by not addressing her growing health problems and SHE HAS HELP RIGHT AT HER FINGERTIPS!!!!

I asked my friend how the others feel and they are all concerned. Elle comes from a family that all but ignores the seriousness of the problem. Mom jokes “there goes my big girl,” but none of them address it. Apparently they are all bad at really discussing feelings and serious problems. Yes, it’s one of those families – just don’t talk about it and it will go away. Elle’s best friend, “Marney” is concerned but has given up on trying to help Elle. At this point she is more concerned with rocking the boat and losing the friendship than actually practicing tough love and risking that to potentially save someone’s life. Her excuse – if Elle wanted to do something she’d do it for herself. “I can’t make her do it.”

I sat and thought about that the rest of yesterday. It is very true that all of us overweight people, assuming we do not have health issues/conditions preventing us from losing weight, have a responsibility to help ourselves and take responsibility for our obesity. Absolutely. But I could not believe my ears when I heard Marney was more concerned about losing the friendship rather than stepping in. Doesn’t she understand that if Elle continues down this path she will lose her anyway? Whether it is piece by piece (amputations and surgeries) or all at once (stroke, heart attack)?

My friend is trying one last time to reach Elle and get her to see what’s going on. I am so keeping my fingers crossed that Elle WANTS help. Because if she doesn’t it’s over. It’s just a matter of time. And did I mention that Elle just got married last year after finally finding true love? What will he have to go through taking care of her? Why doesn’t he help?

There come times in our lives when we say the following tragic sentence: “I wish I could have done more to help…” How many times do we wish we could turn back the hands of time to help someone, or help ourselves, out of a situation that, with a little help, could have turned out differently? My friend, Marney and the rest of the group are at a time in Elle’s life when they could help Elle. At least try their best to intervene and save Elle’s life, not worrying whether or not Elle will be mad but worrying about Elle will be dead. But they turn a blind eye and a deaf ear. Tisk Tisk.

Why am I so passionate about this? I recently found out a dear friend of mine was mad at me – actually mad at me – for getting to be 400 pounds. She said “Bill, you  have always been this great guy but you were so big I was mad that you let yourself get that way. You were killing yourself.” Then I asked “Why didn’t you say anything?” And my friend said “Because it wasn’t my place.” Oh, but it was. Being the person I am, if my friends came to me and expressed concerns about my health and threatened to cut me off if I didn’t do anything I sure as hell would have. As it stands I was lucky. I bottomed out and helped myself. But Elle and her friends are at the crossroads.

If you know someone who is risking their lives with a behavior you (AND THEY) know is bad, say something. It shows you care. It shows you give a damn. It shows you want them around for years and decades to come. It actually might help make a difference. Tough love is still love and, in most cases, is the love that is NEEDED even though it’s not necessarily love that’s WANTED.

I do not want any of you, especially those of you involved in a weight loss journey, to ever say “I wish I could have done more to help.” And you know exactly why…

…because we don’t say that at weddings, bar/bat mitzvahs or office parties…we usually say that kind of sentence at funerals.