Determined To Succeed

It’s Thursday. Just three days to go until Mother’s Day and I am finding myself fighting food urges more and more. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is that I know I am fighting food urges and know why they are there in the first place. My name is Bill and I’m an emotional (and sometimes situational) eater.

Sometimes, food urges are situational. Like when you go to an event, like I did last week, and have tater tots for no better reason other than you have one glass of wine, someone else orders them and they smell really freaking good. Seemed like a good idea at the time, and it didn’t have tooooooo much effect on the bottom waistline (thank God). Or when I went to a meeting the other day where they were serving sandwiches, chips, brownies and my Kryptonite – Coca-Cola. I walked away but not before having just one small piece of sandwich. Just one small one, thank goodness.

But most times for me food urges are emotional. When I’m happy and I know it I clap my hands (and reach for snacks). When I’m nervous about something that’s a double whammy – not only do I binge but I mindlessly do it because whatever I’m nervous about occupies my mind and I don’t think of what, or how much, I’m eating. And recently, I’ve been wanting snacks because I am sad and missing my mama, JoAnn. So I reach for the things I used to have with her as a kid – Hostess Cupcakes and the sweet taste of a plain Hershey chocolate bar. I’ve even had an ice-cold Pepsi from time to time, too, in memory of her.

I know this food won’t bring my mom back, or do me any damn good when I’m trying (almost desperately) to bring my weight down. What I have to fight is that short-term high I get when I have these things. It’s like taking drugs, I guess. Score a “hit,” feel great, come down and want very much to have that again.

I know these feelings of sadness and emptiness will get a bit stronger as we approach Mother’s Day this Sunday, but knowing that does help. It may not help me curb ALL the urges I have and I know I will give into a few here and there. Just know it will be just here and there, not all the time and won’t be every day.

I will also take comfort knowing that the people in my life who still have their moms, or are moms themselves, will be with their loved ones this weekend. Whether it is by voice or in person, or even with just a card received in the mail. And  while some of these moms are healthy, some are not. Some moms may be beginning a fight with arthritis, memory or worst of all, cancer. To those moms and their children you have my heart, know that I am with you in spirit and I sincerely wish that all is made well soon.

And for those special people in my life who no longer have their moms I am with you in spirit, too. I have heard so many times since last June 9 how that void never goes away. The pain just dulls a bit. And I know in my mind and in my heart that there isn’t comfort food enough on this planet to feed that kind of longing or squelch that kind of dull pain. So we will be there for each other, too, toasting them in their ultimate healing away from this earth.

Damn, it really helps to talk about all of these feelings with you guys. Thank you. That, not cupcakes, Chinese food, Cokes, cheesesteaks, hot dogs or ribs, makes me feel better. Very much so.