Determined To Succeed

Day thirty-eight.

I will apologize now if today’s entry seems a bit off. It comes from my experiences attending last night’s meeting. There’s just no other way to say this, but last night’s twelve-step meeting was weird. There was just a weird energy in the room. As there were twelve of us and it was all guys, the subtle movie reference to “Twelve Angry Men” wasn’t lost on me, but it was the tone that was different and more pronounced. It wasn’t angry. It was a tone of desperation. Quiet desperation. That’s the only way I can put it to you.

I am always humbled being in my meetings because I find people struggling with the same addictions from which I suffer (including the urge to eat everything in sight). It helps to ground me and make me absolutely thankful for the life I have. But I have to admit sometimes I do not suffer from the same moods others do, and there seemed to be a sense in the room from several of the guys of just going through the motions and being there just to be there, saying things because they are correct and guys “telling” on themselves as if in Catholic confessional – as if to clear their consciences of what they’ve done so they can maybe do it again. I don’t know how much of this had to do with last night’s topic of amends-making but it was clear several of the guys just wanted to get stuff off their chests, which is cool, but it seemed the desperation felt by them was of feeling lost and not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

As I sat and listened I felt compelled, almost, to just say something positive just to have a positive affirmation of some type in the air. It wasn’t a “blow smoke up your ass” kind of comment, it was honest, but I wanted it to be of some affirmation that we were all doing well offering each other friendship and fellowship while working on those afore-mentioned amends, not just to others but to ourselves, too, because, in my mind, we absolutely have to continue backing up those amends with actions. That, and only that, makes those amends stick and mean something. I’ll give you an example related to food.

Last month I received free coupons in the mail for Chick-Fil-A (and I loves me some Chick-Fil-A). These coupons were for a free breakfast sandwich, a free Spicy Chicken Sandwich and a free Coke Zero. I may not be able to use all the coupons at the same time but this small sheet of coupons is rare because no other purchases were required. Just drive up, order the freebie, turn over the appropriate coupon and leave. Easy-peasy. But my problem comes in when I think about the WHY I want to take advantage of those coupons.

Not growing up with very much food I hoarded what I could. That comes from the insecurity of abandonment, that feeling of “what will I have if this goes away?” That’s all. Being in good therapy these days I recognize it for what it is and I am now better-equipped to say “food will not leave me, even if I do not take advantage of this coupon.” My conflict comes also from it being free food and a waste if I don’t use it, which goes against my grain to use the blessing of free food when and where I can. However, I made an apology to myself for being 400 pounds in the first place and for regaining 20 or so pounds after mom died.  I made an amends to get right with myself to re-re-re-re-lose this last bloody 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight.  If I used those coupons, even though it is for free food, it would mean my amends meant nothing (especially since the chicken sandwich in question is deep-fried and the breakfast sandwiches, while yummy, aren’t the healthiest for you, calorically speaking).

So, in my meeting last night I tried to say to these guys, “look, we are here working on this but we need to keep working on this. We can’t just come here to spout off and go away. This is as honest and as real as it gets and we have to back up those amends for not only the people in our lives but for ourselves. That’s why we’re here.” God, I hope that message got through because I take sobriety and addiction very seriously, especially since it can so frequently involve food and eating and easy, easy weight gain.

I left that room last night as fast as I could without being rude because I wanted to be back in my positive zone. I know there will be times I am down in the dumps but I will remember my blessings and push through those times because, having been where I’ve been, I never want to be there again. Ever. That includes being 400 pounds because quietly desperate times like last night make the desires for cheeseburgers, fried mushrooms, Chinese food, pizza and more that much stronger. But it’s through the amends process, and the twelve steps, that I am trying my best to not just SAY I’m gonna be better but actually BE better in my new and healthier reality.