Determined To Succeed

Day nine.

It’s absolutely amazing how addictions, to no matter what, seem to show the same patterns and symptoms. Take for example denial. The old Bill would have made a funny, cheesy joke about it not being a river in Egypt, but this new Bill knows all too well denial because I lived it – twice. It is no laughing or joking matter. It is serious and it applied to my weight loss then and it applies to my life now.

Before, when I was over 400 pounds I was in complete denial. How do I know? One, it was always in the back of my head. I just chose to ignore it. Two, because I am finally facing what denial is thanks to the help I am seeking now and I can say I exhibited all the signs of it. It says in twelve-step literature, denying a problem exists is a common form of resistance for those having trouble recognizing and coming to grips with their problems. Various forms of denial include thinking:

• “I’m not as bad as others…”
• “I’m not addicted to (and insert your addiction here)…”
• “I come from a good family/better background…”
• “One more time won’t hurt…”
• “This is everywhere, therefore I can’t get free.”

When I was 400 pounds I swear to God I thought each and every one of these things. I would walk into a big and tall store and plop down my money for a size 5XL shirt thinking “hell, they do make shirts in 6XL and even 7XL. And I’m not that bad.” Thinking I wasn’t addicted to food was just a joke. It was like I couldn’t live without it. Even here I talk about food extremely fondly. Of course, we all have a soft place in our hearts for our favorite foods, but back then I “needed” them. The taste in my mouth for them was so great I had to satisfy it and most often did.

I also thought that since my mama loved me and instilled in me a sense of “you can do anything” I was “above” that kind of thing. And one more egg roll, Sausage McMuffin with Egg sandwich or hot dog would not only not hurt but also not make a difference in my weight even though I was topping the scale at 400. Shit, and the last thing, the “it’s everywhere, therefore I can’t get free” thing is why I call driving on a main street “driving the gauntlet,” the row of endless fast food chains waiting to take you in with open arms to offer you greasy comfort.

That is denial and I went through it then, and like I said recently realized how much I was in denial again about a great many things. Denial is powerful, but denial is also a two-sided coin. On one side denial offers you excuses to continue. It gives you the reasoning in your mind to keep doing X, Y or Z. It keeps you company when you are alone and feeling disgusted after doing X, Y or Z, remember “one more time won’t hurt.”

But if you flip the script denial gives you the keys to recognizing you have a problem and can actually help you stop what you are doing. You know the cheesy, cliche line “recognizing you have a problem is the first step in recovery?” Well, it may be cliche but the shit is true, and it will be true forever. If you are ready, I mean really bottomed out and ready to actually work on this, then the signs of denial are almost like a roadmap to getting help.

Back in 2005 I came to grips with the fact that I had to lose weight or I’d be dead. Now, I am coming to grips with the many “whys” I was that way, why I am this way and what I’m going to do about it. I am not in denial anymore and it feels good and I plan to stay on this road to recovery. And if you, out there, are wanting to lose weight and know you need to lose weight because your health and life are affected take a good, long and hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are in denial. The scale and mirror don’t lie, so when you admit that to yourself you help yourself more than you’ll ever know. And moreover, it flips the coin of denial from the bad side to the good side and takes away that demon’s power over you.

Our struggles may be ongoing but we are fighting and that is something, especially when you are trying to regain a foothold on life – especially one that slips out of even your own control. And very much like when I was in denial twice (remember, about weight and current issues) I have made this promise twice: I never want to be there again. I said it with weight and won and I am saying it now. I want the old Bill gone and gone forever and I will do everything in my power to make that happen.