Determined To Succeed

Day twenty-four.

Happy September, everyone. Man, yesterday I was both a mess and euphoric. I admit, when I’m sick, I’m a bit of a baby especially since I don’t get sick very often. And while it wasn’t the full-bore cold it could have been it was enough to sap my strength, make my head all poofy and have my throat all scratchy and in pain the whole day. On the other hand, I took care of myself, something I haven’t done really for a long, long time and part of that care involved two things: taking myself for a nice walk in the clean, hot air and going to a twelve-step meeting last night.

I was very torn about the walk. I had zero energy and motivation to get up from the couch and I sure as hell didn’t want to get ready and dressed to walk outside for an hour. But I had to clear my head. Not just physically because of the cold or because I felt like acting out or anything, but because I was mulling something over in my brain. I was thinking about everything and needed some time to commune with nature and my mom, JoAnn’s, spirit to help me be calm and relax. Later, I attended my twelve-step meeting which, I have to say is a wonderful way to re-juice the soul because it’s great knowing you have the fellowship and support of the people around you on any given night.

Whenever I sit in that room and listen to others I gain new perspectives on things. They help me turn things over in my brain and center me and last night’s meeting gave me a good idea of what pain is like from the perspective of someone experiencing it. I have to tell you how powerful that is, and how humbling. It strips away every piece of bullshit inside you and makes you feel something which, for many of us, is for the first time in years. Feeling the pain of others makes me realize and understand the pain I have put people through in my life. I may not be able to fully make amends to those people but I sure am trying the best way I know how – going to these meetings and getting the help I need.

I can only imagine that other addictions are the same at their core. You crave X and will do anything – lie, cheat, hurt people, shut yourself off – just to have X. That also goes for food. But with addiction, the more you spiral down into it the more shame you feel, therefore you withdraw more and more into your world, alone and broken not knowing how to get out.

After feeling the sun on my face yesterday and after going to my meeting I felt present. Yes, it does hurt to hear these things and yes, it does hurt facing them but any addict needs to if they are to get out of their own personal abyss. It needs to be felt because our emotions have been out of it for so long and it does cause others great pain. That goes for food, drugs, alcohol, whatever. If recovery were easy it wouldn’t work, plain and simple. Put another way, we addicts need to feel to know what it’s like to be a human being again, one that’s not driven by a drug but one that is driven by being a feeling being.

That is why I was euphoric. I felt that pain yesterday. I felt it. I wasn’t distracting myself and it felt good. That’s why I didn’t give in to the temptation to just be a slug on my couch. I got up and walked. I did that to take care of me in my recovery from being under the weather. And I went to my twelve-step meeting to take care of me in my recovery to heal as a human being to try to be a good and decent man.

I am starting to come back down in my weight, too. I am at 235 even today and that feels amazing. I can feel that excitement again. I have a measly ten pounds to go to re-achieving my goal weight and I will one day. I will because I recognize what it’s like to turn off and medicate and numb yourself to reality. However, now I am facing reality for the first time and it strengthens me, thank God. That goes for my weight loss journey, too. I was so worried about handling one addiction I was turning back to food as comfort. I just realized it and got a handle on both, that’s all. And I was able to do that because the pieces of my soul that had been gone for so long are now coming back and making me here and present and alive.

It’s amazing what a person can do when they have their soul back. It is. That will give me the strength to kick that bag today and that will give me the strength to carry on in weight loss and in recovery. And in the end, I won’t be a mess anymore. I will be healed in body, mind and, most of all, spirit so I never again fall into the dark abyss I was in for so long.

Sometimes I feel like such an addict. It starts with my thoughts wandering toward my addiction. I’m just going about my business and all of a sudden those thoughts start their evil takeover. How nice a small taste might be. Then, out of nowhere it goes from being just a thought to a powerful taste that begins in my mouth before running to and infecting my brain. When it gets there, it’s all over. That’s when my mind starts playing tricks on me, helping my conscious justify having my addiction and lying to me saying “if we just have this one it’ll be the last time.” The phrase “I can quit any time I want” comes to mind. It’s so bad sometimes I feel like dressing up in a trenchcoat, brimmed hat and sunglasses just to “score.”

Now I have been lucky in my life that my tastes, my addictions, do not run to illegal drugs, or alcohol or gambling. No, they run in a different direction. One that promises to thwart any weight loss journey if done to extremes – My friends, my name is Bill and I’m a Coca-holic.

I know I’ve spoken about this before but those of you who know me know I have this “thing” for ice-cold Coca-Cola. I don’t know what it is but I do and lately it has gotten so bad I think the Coke delivery people are wondering why they have to refill the Coke section of the local Wawa so much in my part of town.  And if I have one I get that rush of immediate satisfaction followed closely by “ok, I just want one more…”

See, I am an addict.

Don’t you guys get that craving for that one something? That “thing” of yours you can’t resist? Ice-cream, doughnuts, candy bars, potato chips, hot dogs or Chinese food (that’s another addiction of mine, too, but one that’s way more controllable since the Chinese food here isn’t as good as it is back home in Chicago). It doesn’t matter. EVERYONE has an addiction to some type of food. I can’t be alone in this. Am I?

And what makes it worse if that my addiction goes part-and-parcel with weight gain, and I have struggled so hard to keep this stupid weight off and will be working on that for the rest of my life.  I talk about driving “the gauntlet” all the time (Wendy’s little red-haired girl, McDonald’s clown, Burger King’s, well, king, and Kentucky Fried Chicken’s colonel), but nothing will stop me more in my tracks than a 20-ounce bottle of “the good stuff.”

Jeez! Thank God I don’t crave anything else addictive.

Yesterday was a good day. I didn’t have a single Coke and I feel fairly strong today that I will not have one, kind of like going through detox and coming out the other side clean and sober. Part of that is from that wonderful voice in my head saying there are a million reasons to do bad/dumb/unhealthy things. But everything is a choice and, at some point, you chose to move in a healthier direction. It’s not perfect, and if I fail today it doesn’t mean I’ll fail tomorrow.  I do just keep moving in a good direction while also trying not to eat crap, too. And I so try to ignore the cravings, the call of the impulse buy coolers next to the checkout counters. Yesterday I succeeded and I plan to succeed again today.

Yesterday I spoke of light bulbs going on in our head that help us deal with our weight issues. I talked about how mine went on and that’s when I decided to lose weight. But food addictions can easily knock those lights out again. We (and I) just have to find ways to control them, and I have to find ways to walk away from the Coke. Find a way to turn the light bulb back on by developing a new set of Coke-coping skills. That is a food person’s “rehab.” My Coke rehab.

Coke ain’t a bad thing, and I do try to have it, as well as my other favorite foods, in moderation. It’s just been getting bad lately, hence my weight gain. But the sun is out today and I feel “clean.” I like that “clean” feeling very much, as if the syrup is drained from my veins and blood is flowing strong and free again. My scale also showed me good news today and I so love that feeling, too.

And like any recovering addict I will just take this one day at a time. Oh great, now the theme song from the old 70’s TV show is running through my head. That’s enough to kill the taste for anything from anyone’s mouth.