Determined To Succeed

Day thirty-eight.

I will apologize now if today’s entry seems a bit off. It comes from my experiences attending last night’s meeting. There’s just no other way to say this, but last night’s twelve-step meeting was weird. There was just a weird energy in the room. As there were twelve of us and it was all guys, the subtle movie reference to “Twelve Angry Men” wasn’t lost on me, but it was the tone that was different and more pronounced. It wasn’t angry. It was a tone of desperation. Quiet desperation. That’s the only way I can put it to you.

I am always humbled being in my meetings because I find people struggling with the same addictions from which I suffer (including the urge to eat everything in sight). It helps to ground me and make me absolutely thankful for the life I have. But I have to admit sometimes I do not suffer from the same moods others do, and there seemed to be a sense in the room from several of the guys of just going through the motions and being there just to be there, saying things because they are correct and guys “telling” on themselves as if in Catholic confessional – as if to clear their consciences of what they’ve done so they can maybe do it again. I don’t know how much of this had to do with last night’s topic of amends-making but it was clear several of the guys just wanted to get stuff off their chests, which is cool, but it seemed the desperation felt by them was of feeling lost and not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

As I sat and listened I felt compelled, almost, to just say something positive just to have a positive affirmation of some type in the air. It wasn’t a “blow smoke up your ass” kind of comment, it was honest, but I wanted it to be of some affirmation that we were all doing well offering each other friendship and fellowship while working on those afore-mentioned amends, not just to others but to ourselves, too, because, in my mind, we absolutely have to continue backing up those amends with actions. That, and only that, makes those amends stick and mean something. I’ll give you an example related to food.

Last month I received free coupons in the mail for Chick-Fil-A (and I loves me some Chick-Fil-A). These coupons were for a free breakfast sandwich, a free Spicy Chicken Sandwich and a free Coke Zero. I may not be able to use all the coupons at the same time but this small sheet of coupons is rare because no other purchases were required. Just drive up, order the freebie, turn over the appropriate coupon and leave. Easy-peasy. But my problem comes in when I think about the WHY I want to take advantage of those coupons.

Not growing up with very much food I hoarded what I could. That comes from the insecurity of abandonment, that feeling of “what will I have if this goes away?” That’s all. Being in good therapy these days I recognize it for what it is and I am now better-equipped to say “food will not leave me, even if I do not take advantage of this coupon.” My conflict comes also from it being free food and a waste if I don’t use it, which goes against my grain to use the blessing of free food when and where I can. However, I made an apology to myself for being 400 pounds in the first place and for regaining 20 or so pounds after mom died.  I made an amends to get right with myself to re-re-re-re-lose this last bloody 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight.  If I used those coupons, even though it is for free food, it would mean my amends meant nothing (especially since the chicken sandwich in question is deep-fried and the breakfast sandwiches, while yummy, aren’t the healthiest for you, calorically speaking).

So, in my meeting last night I tried to say to these guys, “look, we are here working on this but we need to keep working on this. We can’t just come here to spout off and go away. This is as honest and as real as it gets and we have to back up those amends for not only the people in our lives but for ourselves. That’s why we’re here.” God, I hope that message got through because I take sobriety and addiction very seriously, especially since it can so frequently involve food and eating and easy, easy weight gain.

I left that room last night as fast as I could without being rude because I wanted to be back in my positive zone. I know there will be times I am down in the dumps but I will remember my blessings and push through those times because, having been where I’ve been, I never want to be there again. Ever. That includes being 400 pounds because quietly desperate times like last night make the desires for cheeseburgers, fried mushrooms, Chinese food, pizza and more that much stronger. But it’s through the amends process, and the twelve steps, that I am trying my best to not just SAY I’m gonna be better but actually BE better in my new and healthier reality.

Day twenty-five.

I am sitting here honestly not knowing what to write today. The past few days have been such a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts and events that I just don’t have the quiet necessary to write something cohesive. Please forgive me for that. I know there are people out there who read me everyday (and thank you so much for that), but sometimes it’s hard to get the brain firing on all cylinders. I will do my best, though, and write several mini blog posts in this bigger blog post.

A mini-blog about weight:

I am down to 234.4 today, so down another half-pound or so and back into the battle of the final ten. This is after a period where I binged a bit too much and gained back about eight pounds or so. Addictions do that to you, ya know. They take your strength, time, money, sanity and even your soul. And for what? Distractions that are fleeting at best? Then you literally feed them with comfort foods that leave you with nothing but pounds.  Well, thanks to amazing support and some good therapy I am getting a handle on both and am controlling my eating again. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! By year’s end, maybe sooner, I will see that 225 on my scale again. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about time:

Labor Day Weekend is upon us and I’m sitting here lamenting how much time I’ve pissed away in my life. We always say things like “I can’t believe it’s already ________,” and insert your choice of holiday, day or date here, but this time I cannot blame work or a hectic life on my loss of time. I am the only one responsible for wasting so much time in my life to my addictions, and now the year is three-quarters over and I have little to show for it. I wanted to be rich and well-into writing a book by now. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wanted to be planning weight loss speaking engagements. Strike two. I should have been doing so much more than I have actually done but gave in to the addict in me. Sigh. Well, I am going to be making the utmost of the remaining three months of this year. I have a lot of time to make up for and I will be. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about food:

This morning was a true test of my Bill Power. I had such a taste for a breakfast burrito from McDonald’s. I don’t know why that is but I did. Maybe I just needed protein to replenish myself, or maybe the thought of something hot and eggy/cheesy sounded good. But I held back and decided instead to just get my reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Man, since that binge of not-so-long ago I have really tried to ask myself “do I really need/want ______,” and fill in the blank with your comfort food of choice, with the answer almost always being “no, I don’t.” So I’ve passed up cravings for strawberry ice-cream, McDonald’s and even that delicious peach shake from Chick-Fil-A in favor of healthier drinks and meals. And lo and behold it’s working again. Gee, go figure…

A final mini-blog about the Labor Day holiday weekend:

Usually I take Saturdays and Sundays off to give my wee brain a rest from writing (and to give you a rest from my rantings about, well, stuff). But this weekend I am going to be taking advantage of the holiday and taking tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday off. It will be good to get out and take in some of the summer air (even though a hurricane is supposed to be hitting the Jersey coast sometime tomorrow), and things I have all but ignored over the summer so far. What will I do? I have no idea but that is a beautiful thing. All I know is I will be appreciating life, communing with my mom’s spirit a bit and being present. These days that’s all that matters.

And there you have it, a scatter-brained, roller coaster blog to start the holiday weekend off right (I guess). In going to therapy and going to twelve-step meetings I have done my absolute best to adhere to the steps themselves. They say in meetings to work the steps because they work if you work them, and I am doing that. I am trying so that a healing time can happen. I know I have done wrong in my life but it is time to heal and continue making myself a better man. That means taking care of myself, setting boundaries, keeping tabs on my weight, not wasting anymore time, thinking about comfort foods and being present to enjoy long, lazy weekends. I hope you guys can all do the same. Life is truly a precious gift and is way too short to waste it on the negative. Be well, my friends, and avoid eating too much comfort food like hot dogs and burgers (especially if you do get down). You’ll feel better soon. You’ll see. We will all get there soon.

It’s amazing what punching and kicking a heavy bag will do to get your mind right again.

Yesterday was my usual martial arts class and, as usual, I worked myself up into a sweat within minutes which is totally awesome. I knew with the funk I have been in I needed to get my head back in the game and punching and kicking the bag was just what the doctor (inside my head) ordered. Problem is it is so physically taxing I can easily wear myself out. You’d be surprised how just shadowboxing can make you sweat and wear you out. Don’t believe me, try it sometime. Stand in front of a mirror (not too close) and throw some punches using your reflection as your opponent. Throwing a punch and having it make no contact uses a ton of energy. It is great, and you will not look as silly as you think you are doing it. Trust me, it rocks.

And can I just tell you guys – I DID MY ONE SOLID AND TRUE PUSH-UP!

It may not seem like a big deal to many of you but that is (no pun intended) HUGE for me! I have never, even when I was a kid, been able to do a real, honest-to-goodness push-up (defined as using just your arms with spine straight and not your belly to push you up). Well, I did one and I have to say it absolutely helped fuel the rest of my workout. It helped me not overeat yesterday. It is helping to get my mind right. I feel like freaking Superman today because of that one push-up. Why? Because one will eventually lead to two, then to three, etc.

That’s why it is so bloody important none of us give up. I know I’ve been down in the dumps lately but, as I am always fond of saying, it is only temporary. I know it is. I just need to reckon with it and be able to put it away. You guys can do the same, too. Whatever funk you all are in, it is only temporary. Yesterday was Hump Day and I do think I got over that hump.

Again, it’s amazing what punching and kicking a heavy bag will do. That and the power in one single, tried-and-true push-up.

Today, I’m going to concentrate on the things that will make me productive and positive and move me in the best ways I know how. That also means not getting the Chick-Fil-A peach shake I so desperately want (those things are damned good). It means drinking that water and working out later, too. It means heading to the gym and doing some shadowboxing of my own to work up that sweat to keep seeing those results. It means getting my mind right.

Come to think of it, I now know why my mom, JoAnn, used to ball up socks and throw them at me and me at her when I was a kid. It was our way of working out frustrations in a fun yet exhausting way. It was wonderful and she made a game out of it. And it always made us laugh. Wow. I get it now. As I sit and write this tears are coming to my eyes because another piece of the puzzle has been placed. Amazing! It took me all this time to realize it was fun, positive release.  It was simple. It was wonderful. It was so us. Thank you, Mama.

See. This is what I mean by getting your mind right. It may not ever be readily apparent but simple exertions like punching and kicking a bag can trigger something, something special, that knocks things back into alignment – like the WHY of me and mom throwing socks at each other. It’s so cool. Cooler than words can say and better than any word can ever express.

Well, this is it. No, it’s neither the biopic released last year showing and detailing (at least in part) the planned series of fifty concerts by Michael Jackson to be held at The O2 arena in London, nor is it the 80s song by Kenny Loggins. It is, in fact, the day before the auditions for Oprah’s “win your OWN show” contest here in the good ol’ Garden State.

I am not really nervous at all about standing in front of a series of strangers telling them about my ideas for my own OWN show. I am, however, nervous and anxious about the actual process which begins for yours truly at around midnight tonight. That’s when I will be getting up and prepping to drive to the Kohl’s Store in Linden to try to secure my place in line since only the first 500 or so people are guaranteed to be seen by the casting directors for the show.

How does all this relate to weight loss you ask? Simple. Today and tomorrow are taking me out of my normal weight loss and maintenance routines just at the  time I have re-engaged my better exercise and eating routines to shed this last two or so pounds before June 9, the anniversary of my mom’s death. Also, not knowing exactly how this process will work I am not sure about food choices tomorrow.  I think I will be OK, though. I am going to pack drinks, healthy snacks and a sandwich in a cooler to bring with me (this way I am not tempted by the Dark Side of the food Force).

Since I have to be up at the crack of, well, er…since I have to get up in the dead of night (insert cheesy, spooky muah ah ah ah-kind of laugh here) I will not be writing a blog post for tomorrow, Saturday, morning. But you can bet your healthy fruit, egg and coffee breakfast on Sunday I will be telling you all about Bill’s Excellent Adventure including what I ate.

Speaking of which, I did really well yesterday, or at least I thought I did. I had a chicken salad sandwich from Chick-Fil-A yesterday. I usually go for their less than 300-calorie Chargrilled Chicken Sandwich (which only has approximately 3.5 grams of fat) but I wanted something different and, since it was hot outside, the coolness of chicken salad peaked my interest.

Sheesh! What a mistake I made! O.K. I know I’m not new and that chicken salad has mayo in it but I didn’t expect a healthy “looking” sandwich to have 500 CALORIES and 20 GRAMS OF FAT!!! Again, as Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy” would say, “What The Deuce?!” Here I thought I’d be having a light sandwich made with the chicken I think is actually seasoned with crack it’s so good and I ended up eating a sandwich that is worse (WORSE) than their own new (AND FRIED) Spicy Chicken Sandwich!

Let’s compare more apples to apples.

In addition to the 500 calories (180 of which are calories from fat) and 20 grams of fat (3.5 of which saturated), my chicken salad sandwich contained 4 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar (!), 52 grams of carbs, 80 grams of cholesterol and 29 grams of protein.

Compare that to their new (and again FRIED) Spicy Chicken Sandwich which has 490 calories (180 of which are calories from fat – same as the chicken salad) and 20 grams of fat (4.0 of which saturated, only 0.5 more), contains 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar (4 grams less)), 46 grams of carbs (6 grams less), 60 grams of cholesterol (a whole 20 grams less) and 31 grams of protein (2 grams more than the chicken salad).

The only significant way I found my “healthier” chicken salad to win was in the sodium department. The chicken salad has 1240 mg of sodium while the new Spicy Chicken Sandwich has 1730 mg.

Now that I think about it, maybe I am new. Damn! What a difference. Here I thought I healthy-looking sandwich on toasted wheat bread would be better for me than a fried chicken sandwich. HA, I tell you! HA! And even though I only bought the sandwich can you imagine if I had their (delicious) Waffle Fries with that? Without a drink that’s close to 1,000 calories!

(Also, did I mention the chicken sald laid a little heavy in my tummy afterward?)

Damn! Maybe I am new after all. See what extra ingredients, processing and mayo do to ya? Well, consider me “edumacated” (and yes, I did purposely misspell that) and know I will be going back to my grilled chicken sandwich if and when I do eat there again.

In the meantime I will continue getting ready for what will hopefully be a “first step into a larger world,” as Obi-Wan Kenobi says in “Star Wars.” And while I am doing that and prepping for the Oprah thing I will be packin’ a 310-calorie cold Italian Hoagie from Wawa. Not only is it a helluva lot healthier (no mayo, build your own with fresh veggies, etc.) but I know it’s 310 calories before I even order it! Wawa has this cool “Meal Builder” way to calculate calories in your food before you get there! It’s awesome! I love Wawa!

Have a great start to your weekend, my friends and check back in on Sunday morning for all the juicy details of how one man (O.K. probably thousands) is trying to live his dream waiting in a long-ass line dragging his cooler along for the ride. If anything it also makes a great stool on which to sit.

Today’s weather is almost the perfect way to describe how I am feeling. It is partly sunny, but the winds are really blustery and it’s chilly (well, chilly for here – about 45-degrees or so). The clouds want to be the pretty, poofy clouds seen at the beginning of “The Simpsons” but there are also smatterings of grey rain clouds thrown in, as well. Yes, an unusual mix of the weather for a different kind of day.

It’s Mother’s Day and the first one I am spending without my mom, JoAnn. I have to say it is making me feel very tender inside, like a wound that has scabbed over on the surface but is still raw and unhealed underneath. I guess it’s always going to feel that way, and that’s OK. It just means I miss my Mama.

Today is also a bit askew because of my mouth and dental issues. It seems that I had what’s known as a food impaction. Because of the way I chew I bit off a piece of my new filling which, in turn, caused food to get down into an area between my teeth. While it was slightly infected and definitely swollen and painful (they spent lots of time just cleaning out the area to get all the ick out), it could have been and gotten much worse (like abscess worse) if I didn’t go when I did.

Needless to say I didn’t feel much like being a carnivore yesterday. Oh sure I wanted to bite down into a nice juicy burger but I was so damned scared I would do something to my mouth again I stuck with liquidy foods – soup and shakes – to get me through (Chick-Fil-A has an awesome, AWESOME, peach shake).

Today I am still going to take care of my mouth by eating softer foods but I might graduate myself to some pasta or something like that. We will see. But the primary goal is not to give in to my emotional eating today. Being that it’s the first Mother’s Day where I don’t get to pick up the phone today to wish Mama a happy Mother’s Day, I am soooo tempted to give in to the foods that we both loved so much – Chinese food (there must be some place that serves a decent beef chop suey around here, although I have yet to find it), plain Hershey candy bars, Coke (or Pepsi, since she was a die-hard Pepsi drinker), oh just anything that would help my insides feel warm and full. I know it wouldn’t take away the pain of my mom being gone but it is tempting to try to fill the void at least for a while with food.

On the other hand I know it’s wrong to think that way. I have been doing so good and am on track to lose the remainder of that next hard-fought-for pound by tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest, and I have to keep that up. I am within my “battle of the final ten” and I will win this. I also know that food is a false friend when used like that. Sure it is there. It’s there at every turn if, when and how you want it. “Have it your way,” after all. Right? But just because I can get anything served to me at any time doesn’t mean I should have it. Food, in this case, is a false friend come to stay only for a short while. One who leaves you with pounds and pounds of baggage when it leaves, and it always leaves.

So I take a deep breath and get ready to start the day. I know that the weather outside is a weird mix but, then again, so am I at times. I feel the loss of my mom but also feel and remember the happy memories we shared along the way and that makes me happy and one of the luckiest people on this earth. I also got the privilege of having our last words to each other be “I love you,” which so, so many people don’t get to have when they lose loved ones. That was truly a blessing and a gift and one I will not squander with the nearest cheeseburger – no matter how good having one sounds.

I sincerely hope you guys out there who still have your moms spend lots of good time with them today. And for those of you out there who are moms you are wonderful people with the most important job in the world. And from a son whose mom did a wonderful job I can honestly say we need kicks in the butt just as much as we need that encouragement. It may not be what we want but it is what we need. Thank you.

And in honor of my mom, who so loved going to the movies (especially sci-fi, fantasy and action movies) and instilled that love of film in me, I will end this blog today with one of the finest movie quotes ever about moms, this one from the movie “The Crow…”

“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”

Yes it is. Yes it is.

I love you mom, very much. And I will do my best with food today and not eat too much. Promise.

We’ve all heard of the BBD (bigger better deal). It comes in many forms. In electronics stores like Best Buy it’s the 47-inch flat screen TV instead of the 37-inch TV. In cars it’s getting the Honda Accord over the Civic. And in food it’s getting the value meal over just the sandwich.

There are times these days when I run to grab a bit to eat at my FFBF (fast food best friend), Chick-Fil-A who has the best grilled chicken sandwich ever. Anyway, I get to the “on-deck circle” (the position before you get to order) and I look at the entire menu. Not that I am not tempted to get their delicious fried chicken sandwich (which at Chick-Fil-A is heaven) but what I notice is how much cheaper it would be to get the value meal with my grilled chicken sandwich.

Why in the hell is it cheaper to get their yummy fried potato disc thingies and a soda? Just the economics of fast food. You so want to save money and get the most “bang for your buck,” so it’s tempting to get the BBD. I did the math. It’s actually the same amount of money roughly to get the value meal rather than components of the meal as separates. Don’t believe me? Check it out at your FFBF sometime.

OK, so I get up to the speak-into-the-box thingie and I decide to order “one grilled chicken sandwich please, no lettuce, and a small side cole slaw.”

Now I have to say one of the reasons I love going to Chick-Fil-A is because they do have a much higher level of customer service, including how they greet and take care of you in the drive-thru. “Thank you for your order. Would you like the better value meal or just the sandwich and cole slaw?” See, I do get why they do this. It’s the up-sell. It’s their job and sometimes people do, in fact, order the meal without saying the designated number of the meal which inadvertently makes it more expensive. So the friendly person is doing a service. But it also is a temptation we, and I, don’t need. “No, thank you. Just the sandwich and the cole slaw,” I say as I receive my total and drive around to the pick-up window.

This happens in my CSBF (convenience store best friend), too – Wawa. Now that I have weaned successfully off of having a daily Coca-Cola or two I do get one as a treat, like last night (sometimes after dinner I really do need one). But that’s when I notice how much “cheaper” it would be to get a whole six-pack of 24-ounce bottles instead of two individual 20-ounce bottles (my new total Coke allotment for the week).

See, the BBD is everywhere.

Some of those constant choice we make along this weight loss journey don’t just involve food (like at a work birthday party where you know you should stuff yourself on chips or cake). They involve money, and in today’s economy it is understandably hard to know you are ultimately spending away more money than you could if you’d purchased the BBD (the value meal; the six-pack of Coke that has bottles offering even more of the good stuff). But I like to think of it in the same way Samuel L. Jackson thought about giving up his money at the end of one of the greatest films of the 1990s, “Pulp Fiction.” In that movie he justified giving up his $1,500 because he was “buying something” for his money. For him, it was so he could turn a new leaf, not shoot Ringo (Tim Roth), take the briefcase to Marsellus Wallace and get out of “the life.”

In my world, when I spend the extra money I know I buy satisfaction. Satisfaction in knowing that, while I spent more money on just the grilled chicken sandwich and cole slaw, I didn’t get the soda, too, saving me the calories (or icky after taste and results of diet soda). Satisfaction that instead of drinking 144 total ounces of Coca-Cola in a week (which I know I would if I kept that Coke in the house) I limit my intake to just 40-ounces in seven days. Satisfaction that I beat a system that seems designed to thwart a weight loss journey at every turn every where.

That is why the BBD doesn’t appeal to me. You may end up spending slightly more money but it’s you that comes out on top in the end.

I can honestly say I had an excellent adventure to The Big Apple yesterday. Well, sort of…

I started my day as I knew I would, with my fruit and medium coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts with extra cream and extra crunchy (extra sugar). As I hit the road and enjoyed my coffee (in which they actually got the right amount of crunchiness) I was psyching myself up for what I knew would be an adventure filled with many food temptations, starting with the rest stops along the way.

Since I live in southern New Jersey I pass five rest areas along the New Jersey Turnpike – the Alexander Hamilton, the Joyce Kilmer, the Thomas A. Edison, the Richard Stockton and the Molly Pitcher. I started my day by having coffee and fruit because each one of these rest stops has a temptation I’d pull over for in a heartbeat.  Which temptations do you ask? I have three words for you: Cinnabon, Burger King and Nathan’s Hot Dogs. Just  writing about it makes me drool at the thought of a delicious, oh-so-decadent warm cinnamon roll with extra frosting, a hot and juicy, freshly-made Whopper with cheese (which my former self did have for breakfast, along with hash browns and mega-large Coke for breakfast) or a couple of awesome hot dogs with everything (a good one-handed road food). But I resisted. It was difficult but I did.

So I got to New York and, true to form, morning traffic was nuts. But I expected that. By the time I got to the Better TV offices on Lexington I was full of coffee and full of gumption that I wasn’t going to eat badly (and yes, I know, I know – I’m full of something alright). I even found a parking spot on the street just a block-and-a-half from the place. Awesome (well, sort of…)

When I arrive at the offices I was shown to the “green room,” where (insert ominous music here, or your standard dum, dum, duuuuum) a tray of some extremely delicious-looking pastries, muffins and bagels lie in front of me, each one of the delicacies calling to me and my taste buds “eat me, eat me, Bill.” “Ha,” I said. Well, actually I said “bite me,” and I had, instead a snack of some of the fresh fruit they had on a tray next to the evil (but yummy-looking) baked goods.

After a small snack of some grapes, strawberries and a piece of pineapple I was ready for my close-up, Mr. & Mrs. DeMille. And the shoot went great. The people at Better TV, especially host Audra Lowe, were great. I even got to tape a second, slightly-longer segment for airing either on the web or in markets where they have more time. I was thrilled and they seemed to like me. They really liked me, and I was out in time to go rescue my car from its street parking spot before it turned into a pumpkin. Well, sort of…

First I had to run something of a mini-gauntlet. While this one didn’t have the little red-haired girl, the clown, the colonel or the king, it did have a few restaurants that had come alive for the lunch crowd and were not open when I arrived. I passed a great-looking deli, with its wonderful tray of free samples beckoning me to taste. I passed an awesome looking Cuban restaurant and its fried wonders (although I do love me a Cuban sandwich every now and then), the smells of the food calling me to come inside and have some lunch. I also passed a great-smelling Halal-type cart where fresh chicken was frying up with some type of saucy goo that, while I didn’t know what was in it sure smelled good.

But I made it through and got to my car. I knew I had only a couple of minutes left but I should be good, no ticket for an expired meter. But wait, what was this…

…A $115 ticket for my wheels being on the sidewalk?! You’ve gotta be s%$#@&*g me?! I looked down and, wouldn’t you know, because the sidewalk and curb were so low to the street and I had no idea I had actually parked on the curb, I was parked a few (A FEW) inches onto the curb. I mean I didn’t pull an action movie or “Blues Brothers” and park completely on the sidewalk. I honestly couldn’t feel in my car I had parked on the stupid, way-too-low curb. Grrrrrrr.

I was pissed. PISSED I tell you. I was so angry I felt like the Hulk, but instead of wanting to “smash” this Hulk wanted to now eat. I’ve always said I’m an emotional eater, and those emotions run to anger, as well. When I’m angry and my adrenaline is going I feel like eating everything. I felt like going back and having some good New York deli, followed by a fried Cuban hot pockety thing they were selling and a dessert of some of that chicken with goo from the cart. I knew I had to just get in my car and get away from those temptations. And that’s what I did. I got back on the road.

And even though I was sloooooooowly calming down I was still pretty angry, and I still had to run the final gauntlet – the five rest stops I could easily resist before but now…let’s say my resolve was waning. I have to say the most tempting of the bunch was to pull over and have a Cinnabon, since they are only located in rest stops, malls (not my mall) or airports. But I didn’t. Nor did I pull over for a Whopper (my favorite fast food burger) or a hot dog (I did OD on those when I was recently home, anyway). Nah, I only had one food item on my mind and even though I was steamed enough to beat out the sun I only wanted a grilled chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A and Diet Dr. Pepper.

So I survived my trip, sort of. I resisted the urges that tempt us all every single day but it was quite an expensive adventure. However, I know in my head in my heart those two things should be reversed. I did get a stupid, asinine $115 ticket from the City of New York (screw you, very much) but I did hold strong and did not overeat…

…and that is a victory any day of the year.

Remember the movie “Tron?” In it Oscar-winner Jeff Bridges plays a computer programmer who literally gets sucked into the virtual world of games and computers. The filmmakers back then knew, or at least had a sense of, how much technology was sucking us into our computers, and that was back in 1982.

It is so easy working from home to get sucked into the virtual world vortex. It really is. I can see how kids these days don’t go outside and play as much as we did. At your fingertips you not only have access to the news and happenings of the world but you also have media networks like Twitter and Facebook handy – enabling you to visit and “communicate” with literally hundreds of friends, all at the same time.  Nowadays, I work from home and, during the course of my day, I not only answer e-mails but I network using these wonderful media tools with friends and business associates all over the country. However, the end result is that it easily becomes 5 or 6 o’clock and I haven’t gone outside to enjoy the smattering of nice weather we’ve been having in southern New Jersey or gotten up to workout.

It wasn’t all that different when I didn’t work from home.  I’d get up, get ready, get in my car and sit in traffic with idiot drivers just to sit at work for 8 or 10 hours. Hell, in the winter I would get to work sometimes when it was dark outside and leave when it was dark outside, not once leaving my desk unless I had to use the restroom or grab a quick Coke out of the vending machine.

The past few weeks I’ve been feeling nostalgic and I now know why. I am rapidly approaching the one year anniversary of my mom, JoAnn’s, death from pancreatic cancer. I have had a hankering to reconnect with so many things, especially from my youth – music, photos, foods, friends and, most of all, my Sweet Home Chicago. I remember so many wonderful things it’s hard to tell you guys about them because they all want to come out at the same time and they get bottlenecked in my throat. But I will share one thing with you this morning – “Piggy” in the park after school.

At about 4 o’clock or so my friends, Pierre, Rachette, Richard, Liz and I (plus some other peripheral friends) would gather in the park directly behind my building in Hyde Park. We’d play a game called “Piggy,” a variation of softball that included no running of the bases but a batter who was at bat until the rest of the players made an “out” by catching the ball using a very uncomplicated set of rules. It was fun and we did this most days after school. We’d be out there so long our moms, God love ‘em, would come out and tell us it was time for dinner. I have so been thinking about those times, and I’ve so been thinking about my mom, whom I miss very, very much.

But why do I bring all of this up this morning? I do it to illustrate a point, at least a perceived one, about activity (or lack thereof) and weight loss. It used to be in the late-70s/early-80s we’d actually go out and play. We’d actually get out and interact with our friends face-to-face. If we wanted to talk to them we’d actually ring them up or knock on their doors. We didn’t have the technology that allows us to text someone, or tweet, when they’re standing right next to us at the mall, in a restaurant or yes, at the park.

Hell. Do kids even go to the park anymore?

I became and obese child, in part, due to a lack of physical activity. I may have played “Piggy” outside but it wasn’t enough, especially when you think about the quality and quantities of food I was consuming. And that was in a pre-PDA, pre X-Box, pre-social media age. The problem lies in that technology isn’t just for kids anymore and we adults can easily get sucked into the vortex of inactivity because we’re spending too much time in the virtual world and not enough time in the real one.

Yesterday I told you guys about how I’d re-gained a hard-fought-for pound. Well, that pound is gone and it took a few of his ouncie friends with him. I am down to 237.8 today thanks not only to lots of physical activity helping a friend move but also just taking the time to run to Chick-fil-A and grabbing a grilled chicken sandwich instead of having crap as that wonderful little voice inside my head keeps saying. But what about today when I don’t have to help a friend move?

So many of my friends on Twitter actually tweet that they “unplug” for a while to go and do something real – feed the kids and wash some clothes, or wash some kids and feed some clothes – and I have to do the same. We all should. I will unplug, at least for a bit, and get out and enjoy the sun, get some vitamin D – maybe even go and see a nesting pair of ducks at Cooper River and wish them well. I made a promise to myself to workout, not gain my weight back and achieve my goal. That will not happen if I’m sitting here at this wonderful box of light waiting on an e-mail that might or might not come in the next few microseconds.

No matter whether we are adults or kids, outside time is important. Time for us is important. It helps us reconnect with what matters most – our families, our real friends (not virtual ones) and most of all, ourselves especially if we are to achieve our weight loss goals. Not to mention the really cool added benefit – it’s damn fun, too.