Determined To Succeed

A plain milk chocolate Hershey bar. That was one of my mom, JoAnn’s, favorite treats.

Today is June 9th, the one-year anniversary of her passing. It is also the last of the firsts without her physically being present on Earth (you know, the first set of holidays, my first birthday, her first birthday, Mother’s Day, etc.) and you guys know I have been thinking about this day for quite some time now, sometimes with a bit of sadness and sometimes with a smile from a wonderful memory.

And sometimes, like today, with the strongest taste for a plain milk chocolate Hershey bar.

I have shared many things about my mom with you but I don’t think I’ve ever shared with you some of her favorite foods. The foods that made her happy. The foods that made us both heavy. Hell, even the foods we didn’t have sometimes. The foods we could (and couldn’t) afford. So today I am going to celebrate my mom’s life by talking about her favorite foods (and some of my own, too). It may not be the healthiest blog post I’ve ever done but it will be fun…and slightly mouth watering.

My mom, JoAnn Larson, was always fond of saying how much she loved to eat two things when she was pregnant with me – Chinese food, and chocolate and vanilla ice-cream. She used to eat so much ice-cream in fact that she was convinced that was why my tummy is slightly lighter on one side than the other (my birthmark – a chocolate ice-cream half and a vanilla half). I have to laugh at that one given my half-white/half-black bi-racial make-up. It always seemed corny but I could never disprove it, especially since I had physical proof.

She also loved her some beef chop suey.

When my mom was kicked out of her home in Cicero, Illinois for daring to date and bear the child of a black man (gasp, the drama) she moved to Hyde Park on Chicago’s South Side. This was a wonderful place because it was so mixed in terms of it’s population. It also had the best kick-ass Chinese food on the planet from Lung Wah Chop Suey. It was there she found her love for beef chop suey (and gave me mine). My mom had it when she was pregnant with me and treated us to it all the time (when we had the money) when I was growing up. It was our fast food of choice, over McDonald’s, Wendy’s and even Harold’s Chicken. An order of beef chop suey and three egg rolls is what we used to get. Damn, those were the days.

There was also Pat’s Pizza, the pizza joint right across the street from where we lived (and where my mom established credit for us during our leanest times). I don’t know how the name just came to me (I couldn’t remember the name for the longest time) but I am thankful it did (thanks for the reminder, ma). Even if we didn’t have money my mama made sure we, and I, ate and there were many a night when we had either meatball sandwiches or a large sausage pizza. Sure there were times we got sick of it (because we had it a lot) but damn it was good, and their pizza had such a distinctive taste that when I found Al’s Italian restaurant and Pizzeria one year ago as my mom lay in hospice I cried because it tasted exactly the same. I needed that taste of childhood at this time last year.

Then there was Valois, the cafeteria-style staple of Hyde Park. This was truly a place where the melting pot of Hyde Park’s eclectic community came to make soup. My mom loved their breakfast – sausage, two eggs over easy and potatoes with white bread toast – and their lunch – pot roast, with mashed potatoes and gravy and fruit Jello for dessert (there’s always room for Jello). On Saturday’s Valois had spaghetti and meat sauce. We used to get that with a side order of “mash and gravy” (don’t ask why we had potatoes with spaghetti. Just roll with it). And many a Thanksgiving was spent there, if not at my mom’s best friend, Rosalyn’s, house, having their “traditional” Thanksgiving dinner (turkey and all the trimmings). And did I tell you this place has grits for breakfast? Awesome!!!

My mama also loved her fish, and we visited the Cafe Enrico frequently to take advantage of their “all you can eat” fried perch dinner. Hell no, it wasn’t good for us but it was damned good and damned cheap, too. In later years, when she lived with me for a while on the City’s North Side, we got fried fish and fries from a place called the Fish Keg on Howard Street. Again, not healthy at all, but some damned good-tasting food.

Rosalyn was an awesome cook, too. She’d make us fried chicken, spaghetti, greens, corn bread, beans and rice…everything. She even fried up some chicken wings and made spaghetti one night when we were so broke all my mom had was bus fare to get back and forth to work. My mom called Rosalyn in what had to be a pride-breaking moment and asked if she could make us something to eat – and she did. Thank God for Rosalyn. That night we ate and didn’t go hungry, and it was also that night I firmly remember saying to myself I’d never EVER go that hungry again. That I’d help my mom any way I could understand how to make money stretch so we’d never have to feel that poor. That was when I began my truest understanding of how cold money could be. If you have it, great. But when you don’t have it…

…but this is not a sad talk. It’s a talk about food, and no food conversation about my mom would be complete without memtioning her love of fried chicken, speaking of chicken. We used to eat at Harold’s Chicken all the time, but her first love was Kentucky Fried Chicken. For as far back as I can remember she loved (and therefore I loved) their extra crispy chicken (until they messed it all up and made it spicy crispy. ick.), mashed potatoes and gravy (noticing a trend?) and cole slaw (which I am now sure contains a level of crack cocaine or other addictive narcotic). Even when she was diagnosed diabetic in her later years I used to bring her the occasional KFC meal and sit and enjoy it with her, and she loved every bite. her and the cat, that is.

On Sunday’s we used to get sweet rolls and other pastries from the fresh bakery that was perfectly placed between where we lived and the park we went to every week. We used to get danishes, and she’d get her coffee (extra cream, no sugar) and we’d enjoy decadent sweets while sitting in the park or reading the paper at home. It was in this park I scattered her ashes almost a year ago.

Lastly, my mom loved her Pepsi. Back in the day, pop could be purchased in actual glass bottles (still the best-tasting way to enjoy an ice-cold soda) and we used to save our pennies, nickles, dimes and quarters to be able to afford a case of “the good stuff.” We’d put it right in the fridge and, when it was cold, would pop open a bottle and enjoy it together. Or we’d sit outside on the benches a couple of blocks away and enjoy a cold one on a hot summer night. Those were awesome times. And even though I have switched and am now a Coke man, I will occasionally have a Pepsi and think of my mom. For old time’s sake.

Well, as they say times change and you can’t go home again. Lung Wah Chop Suey, Pat’s Pizza and the bakery no longer exist. When I spread her ashes almost a year ago I would have given anything to have at least an egg roll from Lung Wah just to ease the pain a bit. But no dice. Or maybe that’s a good thing. Harold’s is still just as active as ever and I do have it from time to way occasional time when I visit, and there is nothing like trying to find a table in the now-double-the-size Valois for a taste of breakfast served just the same way as when I was a kid.And if I ever get a hankerin’ for pizza, I’ll always (hopefully) have Al’s.

But no matter where I go in the U.S., no matter what time of day and no matter what convenience store in which I shop I can always have the first and best thing that reminds me most, culinarily speaking) of my 0f my sweet and beautiful mama…

…that simple, wonderful and amazing plain milk chocolate Hershey bar.

You ever have one of those days where the wind is taken out of your sails? Yesterday was like that for me. I am doing my best to keep this weight off and I gain some back. I send out a small business contest entry only to find out I was not selected as a finalist. I sent out a press pitch that was (very nicely) denied. I have to spend a little more money than I planned this coming week – money I don’t really have. Not end-of-my-world type stuff but stuff that, nonetheless, deflated me a bit.

As I am an emotional eater this is a HUGE trigger for me. It is exactly times like this that make me want something sweet, something comforting and something really bad for me. What kind of stuff do you ask? Well….take your pick. Hostess cupcakes come to mind. Chinese food. You know, my usual stand-by comfort foods. And they lurk nearby, predators waiting to pounce on a weak and wounded animal.

In fighting this “battle of the final ten,” the last ten pounds I need to re-lose to get back to my goal weight, I admit I get tired. I have been struggling to re-lose this weight for so long I can both taste victory and see it just far enough away to make me wonder I will ever get there. Another wind taken from my sails. And when I have days like yesterday, combined with it being all icky, grey and rainy outside, I really want to go off the wagon and fill my belly with yummy-tasting food stuffs to ease that deflated feeling inside.

So I got myself together and went to the store. As I entered and the electric doors parted for me I remembered something. I remembered a few things actually:

1)      I remembered that, while it is harder to lose weight and make good choices, I am so worth those good choices and effort.

2)      I will not re-reach my goal the more I give in to my triggered comfort foods.

3)      The more I select foods that are good for me I can maintain not only portion control but a healthier diet as well.

4)      Weaning myself from foods that are bad, especially sweets, I curtail that snacky “need” and “taste” I feel at night.

So yesterday, instead of giving into the easy and quick I chose vegetables, fruits and chicken instead of the delicious-looking Hostess cakes, Tastycakes, candy bars and chips so readily nearby. I chose to buy that chicken and veggies to make meals for not just lunch and dinner yesterday, but also lunch and dinner today, too. And I maintained my resolve yea though I walked through the valley of the shadow of snacks for a feared no evil, for it was my choice, as it is always, what I put into my body. And it should be, and was, good.

A very wise person once told me to stop eating crap, stop eating out and that cooking at home is a far better, cheaper and healthier alternative. And you know something, they are exactly right. It is better. And when the wonderful smells and delicious aromas of cooking foods fill the kitchen you know you have done right not only by your pocket book but by yourself, too.

And that is exactly the kind of success we all need to put the wind back in those sails to keep on sailing.

I am a bit grumpy this morning. I am grumpy this morning because I am sick and tired of food – ALL FOOD – having stupid calories, and because genies in lamps don’t really exist.

I know this sounds completely insane but I always wonder in my heart and soul why everything we want to eat has to be “worked off” and “no good for us.” Why is it that Chinese food (yes, my dinner of choice last night) has to have not just calories but so much salt that it causes me to creep to another three more ounces this morning (hence part of my grumpyness).  I know it was “no good for me” and that I will “work it off,” but still. Can’t a guy have his beef chop suey after a workout and NOT have to still gain back ounces? Grrrrrrr.

And why can’t genies exist? These are so the times I wish I could find a genie in a lamp. I daydream about casually strolling the beach down in Atlantic City (after winning a few bucks at Craps, my favorite game) and stumbling across a beautiful, ornate golden lamp. I start brushing the sand off its surface when a cool-ass genie appears and says to me, “Dude. Wow. Thanks for finding me! You know how long I’ve been cooped up in coach in that thing? Where’s the baggage claim anyway? Oh, never mind. Since you found me and I have finally landed I will offer you three wishes as gratitude. The only condition is that you chuck me and the lamp back in the ocean when you’re done so that others may share your good fortune. And PS, show me where the Craps tables are, man. I’ve been itchin’ for some games of chance since that bazaar in Morocco 400 years ago.”

If only I could really have those three wishes. Besides the obvious one featuring lots of  money and one I would keep in my back pocket for another day, I think I would wish for me to never gain weight ever again from any food stuff ever in the history of the entire universe. That would include never gaining weight from any of the following yummy, delicious “no good for us” foods you have to “work off:”

• Cinnabon cinnamon rolls
• The afore-mentioned Chinese food (damn it all to hell – stupid ounces – grrrrrr)
• Hostess Cupcakes (don’t worry, I didn’t have any last night. Just thought about them, that’s all)
• Italian Beef  sandwiches
• Chicago-style hot dogs
• Cheesestea)k hoagies
• Alcohol (not that I am a beer drinker. I’m talking about my martinis and frosty, fruity island drinks you get with little umbrellas and s&^t)
• French fries (especially the big beefsteak or potato wedge kind)
• Strawberry ice-cream (again, don’t worry I didn’t have any last night
• Banana cream pie
• Chocolate cake and/or cupcakes (mmmmm, cupcakes – said like Homer Simpson drooling out the side of his mouth)
• Indian food (especially chicken tikka masala)
• Stuffed pizza (or any pizza for that matter)
• Buffalo wings
• Mashed potatoes (come to think of it the entirety of Thanksgiving dinner – including any and all leftovers)
• A plate of Southern food (fried chicken, a mess of greens and some kind of starch like grits)

Ok, Ok. I’ll stop now but you get my grumpy point this morning. Each one of us has foods we love but that are extremely bad for us. Just yesterday I was talking with people who felt bad for having a small box of Cheez-Its or a couple of cookies. But why should they feel bad? We like these foods, they just don’t like us back. Yeah, I would so use a wish and change all that.

Well, maybe I would. There is that world peace thing to consider, and all. It just “grinds my gears” – no wait, I used that slogan for a blog already. It just makes me grumpy we always have to pay the stupid “a moment on the lips, an eternity on the hips” price for the foods we enjoy most. And on grey, cloudy and rainy days like this perfectly suited for comfort foods and movies I don’t want to worry about the calories they leave behind.

Well, that’s OK. We can’t appreciate the destination without fully respecting the journey…

…every yummy, calorie-rich, has to be “worked off,” “no good for you” step of it.

Today’s weather is almost the perfect way to describe how I am feeling. It is partly sunny, but the winds are really blustery and it’s chilly (well, chilly for here – about 45-degrees or so). The clouds want to be the pretty, poofy clouds seen at the beginning of “The Simpsons” but there are also smatterings of grey rain clouds thrown in, as well. Yes, an unusual mix of the weather for a different kind of day.

It’s Mother’s Day and the first one I am spending without my mom, JoAnn. I have to say it is making me feel very tender inside, like a wound that has scabbed over on the surface but is still raw and unhealed underneath. I guess it’s always going to feel that way, and that’s OK. It just means I miss my Mama.

Today is also a bit askew because of my mouth and dental issues. It seems that I had what’s known as a food impaction. Because of the way I chew I bit off a piece of my new filling which, in turn, caused food to get down into an area between my teeth. While it was slightly infected and definitely swollen and painful (they spent lots of time just cleaning out the area to get all the ick out), it could have been and gotten much worse (like abscess worse) if I didn’t go when I did.

Needless to say I didn’t feel much like being a carnivore yesterday. Oh sure I wanted to bite down into a nice juicy burger but I was so damned scared I would do something to my mouth again I stuck with liquidy foods – soup and shakes – to get me through (Chick-Fil-A has an awesome, AWESOME, peach shake).

Today I am still going to take care of my mouth by eating softer foods but I might graduate myself to some pasta or something like that. We will see. But the primary goal is not to give in to my emotional eating today. Being that it’s the first Mother’s Day where I don’t get to pick up the phone today to wish Mama a happy Mother’s Day, I am soooo tempted to give in to the foods that we both loved so much – Chinese food (there must be some place that serves a decent beef chop suey around here, although I have yet to find it), plain Hershey candy bars, Coke (or Pepsi, since she was a die-hard Pepsi drinker), oh just anything that would help my insides feel warm and full. I know it wouldn’t take away the pain of my mom being gone but it is tempting to try to fill the void at least for a while with food.

On the other hand I know it’s wrong to think that way. I have been doing so good and am on track to lose the remainder of that next hard-fought-for pound by tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest, and I have to keep that up. I am within my “battle of the final ten” and I will win this. I also know that food is a false friend when used like that. Sure it is there. It’s there at every turn if, when and how you want it. “Have it your way,” after all. Right? But just because I can get anything served to me at any time doesn’t mean I should have it. Food, in this case, is a false friend come to stay only for a short while. One who leaves you with pounds and pounds of baggage when it leaves, and it always leaves.

So I take a deep breath and get ready to start the day. I know that the weather outside is a weird mix but, then again, so am I at times. I feel the loss of my mom but also feel and remember the happy memories we shared along the way and that makes me happy and one of the luckiest people on this earth. I also got the privilege of having our last words to each other be “I love you,” which so, so many people don’t get to have when they lose loved ones. That was truly a blessing and a gift and one I will not squander with the nearest cheeseburger – no matter how good having one sounds.

I sincerely hope you guys out there who still have your moms spend lots of good time with them today. And for those of you out there who are moms you are wonderful people with the most important job in the world. And from a son whose mom did a wonderful job I can honestly say we need kicks in the butt just as much as we need that encouragement. It may not be what we want but it is what we need. Thank you.

And in honor of my mom, who so loved going to the movies (especially sci-fi, fantasy and action movies) and instilled that love of film in me, I will end this blog today with one of the finest movie quotes ever about moms, this one from the movie “The Crow…”

“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”

Yes it is. Yes it is.

I love you mom, very much. And I will do my best with food today and not eat too much. Promise.

It’s Thursday. Just three days to go until Mother’s Day and I am finding myself fighting food urges more and more. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is that I know I am fighting food urges and know why they are there in the first place. My name is Bill and I’m an emotional (and sometimes situational) eater.

Sometimes, food urges are situational. Like when you go to an event, like I did last week, and have tater tots for no better reason other than you have one glass of wine, someone else orders them and they smell really freaking good. Seemed like a good idea at the time, and it didn’t have tooooooo much effect on the bottom waistline (thank God). Or when I went to a meeting the other day where they were serving sandwiches, chips, brownies and my Kryptonite – Coca-Cola. I walked away but not before having just one small piece of sandwich. Just one small one, thank goodness.

But most times for me food urges are emotional. When I’m happy and I know it I clap my hands (and reach for snacks). When I’m nervous about something that’s a double whammy – not only do I binge but I mindlessly do it because whatever I’m nervous about occupies my mind and I don’t think of what, or how much, I’m eating. And recently, I’ve been wanting snacks because I am sad and missing my mama, JoAnn. So I reach for the things I used to have with her as a kid – Hostess Cupcakes and the sweet taste of a plain Hershey chocolate bar. I’ve even had an ice-cold Pepsi from time to time, too, in memory of her.

I know this food won’t bring my mom back, or do me any damn good when I’m trying (almost desperately) to bring my weight down. What I have to fight is that short-term high I get when I have these things. It’s like taking drugs, I guess. Score a “hit,” feel great, come down and want very much to have that again.

I know these feelings of sadness and emptiness will get a bit stronger as we approach Mother’s Day this Sunday, but knowing that does help. It may not help me curb ALL the urges I have and I know I will give into a few here and there. Just know it will be just here and there, not all the time and won’t be every day.

I will also take comfort knowing that the people in my life who still have their moms, or are moms themselves, will be with their loved ones this weekend. Whether it is by voice or in person, or even with just a card received in the mail. And  while some of these moms are healthy, some are not. Some moms may be beginning a fight with arthritis, memory or worst of all, cancer. To those moms and their children you have my heart, know that I am with you in spirit and I sincerely wish that all is made well soon.

And for those special people in my life who no longer have their moms I am with you in spirit, too. I have heard so many times since last June 9 how that void never goes away. The pain just dulls a bit. And I know in my mind and in my heart that there isn’t comfort food enough on this planet to feed that kind of longing or squelch that kind of dull pain. So we will be there for each other, too, toasting them in their ultimate healing away from this earth.

Damn, it really helps to talk about all of these feelings with you guys. Thank you. That, not cupcakes, Chinese food, Cokes, cheesesteaks, hot dogs or ribs, makes me feel better. Very much so.

Happy Sunday, my friends. It’s rainy here in southern New Jersey and the day is slooooooly getting going (as lazy, rainy Sundays tend to do). I am feeling much better than I did on Friday, first and foremost because I had more sleep (per chance to dream). And more sleep equals more strength to handle stuff, like bitching again to the Honda service guy about setting expectations. If the idiot I spoke to on Thursday had told me there was a chance I’d spend that kind of money I wouldn’t have felt so blind-sided and kicked in the gut. At least I shamed Honda into giving me a $50 coupon off one of the belt-thingies. It didn’t make much of a difference but it helped.

I also feel better because I wanted to feel better. I am moving away from the crap. I knew I wasn’t going to let the circumstances and feelings of Friday ruin my Saturday, especially when it came to eating. Sure, I ended up having Chinese food for dinner (I needed it especially after actually handing over the credit “dread-it” card to pay for said automotive services) but I took care, exercised during the day, ate a sensible lunch, watched my portions, drank diet soda (Coke Cherry Zero rocks) and had it on smarter terms – my terms. I am still at 237.5 today and holding, which is great. And like Sundays are for so many people, today is catch-up day for me for basic mechanics, all puns intended, like laundry, groceries, etc., and also for exercise and weight loss planning for the new week.

There are so many times when we feel nervous, anxious, sad, weird, etc., especially getting ready to start a new week. There might be a job interview that doesn’t feel quite right, family members that put you down when they shouldn’t or money worries that have you wondering about how to even pay bills (like me, when I least expected to drop $2K on a car and had to re-re-adjust finances to hope things settle OK). But it is OK. We all need help getting our minds back in order even if there is doubt about the direction in which we’re headed. At least we are moving away from the crap.

Like the little voice inside my head that wonderfully reminds me we all must still control that which we can control especially when it comes to eating and weight loss. “Don’t stress about the eating. You know what you’re doing. And it’s ok to say ‘I’m going to eat this because I know the consequences,’” while, at the same time, recognizing what I was doing and why. I set the expectation for myself. I had a crap-tastic day and I ate comfort food. But life goes on, and so must we all. See? I am moving away from the crap.

As we all get ready for the start of another week we need to harness these voices in our heads for ourselves and about ourselves. These will help us just keep going. You’ll do great, especially knowing you are moving further and further away from the bad things in life – the crap. Moving away from that mental “ick” makes me healthier and better, and when you move away from your mental “ick” it helps. Believe me it does.

I had many people reach out to me yesterday over this strange, futuristic light box called a computer and offer me wonderful and kind words to help me feel better. It did. And while the hugs and thoughts may be virtual, they still helped so, so much move away from the crap of Friday. I hope as we get ready to start a new week full of new stuff and possibilities I can offer that same virtual hug back. We are all in this together, going through it all at the same time in our own funky ways. And you are never alone, especially when it comes to losing weight while dealing with all this “ick.”

Sometimes I feel like such an addict. It starts with my thoughts wandering toward my addiction. I’m just going about my business and all of a sudden those thoughts start their evil takeover. How nice a small taste might be. Then, out of nowhere it goes from being just a thought to a powerful taste that begins in my mouth before running to and infecting my brain. When it gets there, it’s all over. That’s when my mind starts playing tricks on me, helping my conscious justify having my addiction and lying to me saying “if we just have this one it’ll be the last time.” The phrase “I can quit any time I want” comes to mind. It’s so bad sometimes I feel like dressing up in a trenchcoat, brimmed hat and sunglasses just to “score.”

Now I have been lucky in my life that my tastes, my addictions, do not run to illegal drugs, or alcohol or gambling. No, they run in a different direction. One that promises to thwart any weight loss journey if done to extremes – My friends, my name is Bill and I’m a Coca-holic.

I know I’ve spoken about this before but those of you who know me know I have this “thing” for ice-cold Coca-Cola. I don’t know what it is but I do and lately it has gotten so bad I think the Coke delivery people are wondering why they have to refill the Coke section of the local Wawa so much in my part of town.  And if I have one I get that rush of immediate satisfaction followed closely by “ok, I just want one more…”

See, I am an addict.

Don’t you guys get that craving for that one something? That “thing” of yours you can’t resist? Ice-cream, doughnuts, candy bars, potato chips, hot dogs or Chinese food (that’s another addiction of mine, too, but one that’s way more controllable since the Chinese food here isn’t as good as it is back home in Chicago). It doesn’t matter. EVERYONE has an addiction to some type of food. I can’t be alone in this. Am I?

And what makes it worse if that my addiction goes part-and-parcel with weight gain, and I have struggled so hard to keep this stupid weight off and will be working on that for the rest of my life.  I talk about driving “the gauntlet” all the time (Wendy’s little red-haired girl, McDonald’s clown, Burger King’s, well, king, and Kentucky Fried Chicken’s colonel), but nothing will stop me more in my tracks than a 20-ounce bottle of “the good stuff.”

Jeez! Thank God I don’t crave anything else addictive.

Yesterday was a good day. I didn’t have a single Coke and I feel fairly strong today that I will not have one, kind of like going through detox and coming out the other side clean and sober. Part of that is from that wonderful voice in my head saying there are a million reasons to do bad/dumb/unhealthy things. But everything is a choice and, at some point, you chose to move in a healthier direction. It’s not perfect, and if I fail today it doesn’t mean I’ll fail tomorrow.  I do just keep moving in a good direction while also trying not to eat crap, too. And I so try to ignore the cravings, the call of the impulse buy coolers next to the checkout counters. Yesterday I succeeded and I plan to succeed again today.

Yesterday I spoke of light bulbs going on in our head that help us deal with our weight issues. I talked about how mine went on and that’s when I decided to lose weight. But food addictions can easily knock those lights out again. We (and I) just have to find ways to control them, and I have to find ways to walk away from the Coke. Find a way to turn the light bulb back on by developing a new set of Coke-coping skills. That is a food person’s “rehab.” My Coke rehab.

Coke ain’t a bad thing, and I do try to have it, as well as my other favorite foods, in moderation. It’s just been getting bad lately, hence my weight gain. But the sun is out today and I feel “clean.” I like that “clean” feeling very much, as if the syrup is drained from my veins and blood is flowing strong and free again. My scale also showed me good news today and I so love that feeling, too.

And like any recovering addict I will just take this one day at a time. Oh great, now the theme song from the old 70’s TV show is running through my head. That’s enough to kill the taste for anything from anyone’s mouth.

All along this weight loss journey I’ve had my peaks and valleys, my highs and lows and my temptations and successes. And there have been some weekends I’ve had the will power to resist such foods and some where I haven’t. Some of my weaknesses have seemed consuming at times – my “need” for snacks, Chinese food and Coca-Cola, just to name a few. But as much as I sometimes dread the weekends for this eating I look forward to Mondays to start the week anew.

I look forward this week in particular to really hitting the gym hard and taking the further advice of the personal trainer, Jorge. Which means I’m going to focus every other day weight training and alternate days doing cardio changing all of it up as I go to make sure my body doesn’t freeze on a weight because it’s used to the workout.

I look forward to this week to really get back on track with eating well. I have to admit something here. Those weaknesses I spoke about earlier…one of them is the weekend, in general. For some strange reason I am so much better with being good during the week. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because things seem so much more regimented. Work begins at nine, ends around five, you eat dinner, watch a few shows and then the next day starts.

But the weekend comes and then somehow my mind opens the floodgates. Maybe it’s running around doing errands, hanging with friends and not being on such a schedule makes me more susceptible to, uh, the suggestion of food. Argh!! Why can’t those floodgates close? I wish I knew.

Ah well. I wrote in one of my weight loss blogs once not to spend too much time dwelling in the past. I even used one of my favorite movies ever, Disney’s “The Lion King,” to illustrate how forgiving oneself of the past and focusing on nothing but the future is the way to find the potential in us all for success. So I do look forward to getting back to the routine of the week, the routine of mind over fatter (as I call it).

It’s kind of hard to believe the year is already almost a quarter over. Can you believe it? I can’t. But I know in my heart it has been time well-spent. Learning something new each and every day on my weight loss journey. And with each and every day comes the opportunity to start anew, just like Mondays…

Damned evil Chinese food!!!!

OK, I had been doing great all weekend. You heard me recount over the past few days what I’ve eaten and, with very few exceptions, had been doing OK. That is until I had egg foo young last night. I figured it was my reward for eating so well, particularly the past few days with the personal trainer dude. So, since I had been good and exercised (I lots of cardio yesterday), I could indulge in what the egg rolls the other day couldn’t sate – my taste for a Chinese food dinner. Man, did I turn out to be wrong.

For the record, I was fairly good with the meal. I usually go for a main entree, egg rolls and maybe fried rice of some type. But yesterday was different. I was trying to be good so I just had an order of egg foo young. I didn’t even have my customary Coke with it (I had diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale instead). So I plopped down and watched one of my favorite action movies, “Kill Bill: Volume One” (or as I like to joke “Kill Me: Volume One”) and enjoyed my fried eggy goodness.

Again, I say, damn! I always try so hard to be good and eat what I should. And I get so freaking frustrated that I seem to work so hard for several days, even a week, to lose just a pound or so just to have it come back after one meal the very next day. What the $#%& is that?! I wish it were the other way around – we could lose seven or so pounds a week and eat something and just gain back a half-pound or so. Grrrrrr.

Today is a rainy, dreary Monday here in New Jersey. While some states, like my home state of Illinois, had snow and colder temps, today is the perfect day here to work out – and work off that blasted egg foo yuck. And there will be no reason NOT to work out. It is on today’s TO DO list, along with the other things I’m going to try to accomplish. One thing is for certain, though. I am sooooo going back to following my new and improved meal plan. It seemed to work. That and combining weight training and resistance with cardio should bring that pound off.

I can’t tell you how glad I am to actually have a plan for this. It used to be I’d gain weight and not know WHY the things I did were bad and HOW I was going to deal with it. Thanks to this entire weight loss journey I know I am prepared for taking that extra pound off and all the other extra pounds I want to re-lose, as well. It is very much one day at a time and one pound at a time. Each pound down being a reward and that to me makes me know I will do this.

That is why I know we can all do this. It may feel like an impossible battle most days but it’s not. Having egg foo young for dinner and gaining a pound is just a stumbling block. Nothing more. Just like a cookie, pint of ice-cream, slice of cake, pasta dinner, etc., are stumbling blocks. Now, it’s time to pick ourselves up from the weekend. Dust ourselves off and keep on moving forward. Failure is only permanent if we let it be – and I’ll be damned if I let this pound I gained back become permanent.

My friends, welcome to Sunday and the first full day of Spring. The weekend winds down and the hours count down to yet another Monday. This has been the best weekend yet, weather-wise, and everyone (at least it seemed like everyone) was out and about enjoying the beautiful 70+-degree day. But for me, there was a shadow looming. A shadow that’s been following me around for days now that I can’t seem to shake (mmmmm, a shake sounds good. Doesn’t it?) And what was that shadow? That spectre looming?

“Snack Attacks,” that’s what.

I think I have done OK overall, both with exercise and eating. But while this was the best weather weekend it has been one of the worst for the “snack attacks.” It’s weird. I have had such cravings for snacks especially at night. I’ve craved chocolate (my precious Milky Way bars), soda (my ice-cold Coca-Colas) and, believe it or not, ice-cream (strawberry, please). I have to say I am sooooo glad I am following this meal plan because it made me go out and buy healthier snacks like Jello and pudding packs, string cheese and my darling clementine oranges. I’ve also snacked on yogurt as a nice compromise for ice-cream. If I didn’t have these in the house I would have gone straight to Wawa and gotten one or more of these, curled up on my couch and watched TV – a deadly combination.

Today I’m going to supplement my weight workouts with cardio as well as some weight training. That should keep my momentum going in terms of exercise. And during that I’m going to continue to try to curb my cravings for my old (and new) kryptonite. Grrrrrr.  As long as I keep telling myself I don’t need it my mind begins to believe it and I win that particular “battle of the bulge.”

Here’s how I did yesterday with my trainer-prescribed meal plan:

Meal 1 Oatmeal (I replaced this with my Kashi Warm Cinnamon cereal)

Meal 2 String Cheese and Yogurt (this I did have)

Meal 3 Lean Cuisine (while I didn’t have one for lunch I took the suggestion and had baked chicken with veggies)

Meal 4 Apple with Peanut Butter (OK, I cheated here a bit and had two egg rolls. I had a taste for Chinese food and instead of giving in full to the cravings for egg foo young or beef fried rice I had these. They did the trick)

Meal 5 Steak, String Beans and Salad (here is where I had a small salad with fat-free dressing, a spaghetti with meat sauce Lean Cuisine and two yogurts for dessert).

It’s so hard sometimes. When I stop for gas or, worse yet, go into the mall I’ve had to resist more and more the smells and sights of Auntie Anne’s, Godiva Chocolates, Cokes, the food courts…all of it. Damn! But here I stand able to say I did resist (for the most part) so I could continue my downward trend.

I will report to you guys tomorrow to let you know how I did today. Hopefully I can resist the draw of a warm pretzel and mustard, a Milky Way or that ever-taunting ice-cold Coca-Cola. In the meantime I’m going to enjoy as much of today as I can before the rain comes and the temperature dips and reminds us, yet again, that it’s not summer quite yet but beautiful springtime…

…no matter how many “snack attacks” lurk in the shadows.