Determined To Succeed

Day ninety-two.

Happy Monday, everyone. Well, I barely – BARELY – survived the weekend. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. First, I ended up eating waaaaaaaaay too much on Friday night for dinner. I did aright for breakfast and lunch. Following my egg and sausage half-sandwich for breakfast I had a bagel for lunch (since I knew I was working out on Friday afternoon with Sensei Doug). But for dinner, fuck! I ate like a pig. It was taco night and there should be a law about how good jalepenos, onions, salsa, cheese and taco meat taste on a tortilla. Yum!

Saturday,  I was honored enough to be a part of the first-annual walk for pancreatic cancer in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, in honor of my mom, JoAnn. It was heartwarming to be surrounded by so many people who could understand that bitch disease while, at the same time, being there in positive support of all our loved ones, friends and family afflicted. It was a wonderful three-mile walk and one I will do every year, as I can, to remember the best lady in the whole world.

I love you, Mama. So much.

For lunch, I ate a wonderfully-prepared omelette (if I do say so myself) and some bacon and toast while for dinner I polished off the remainder of the taco stuff. Yesterday, for breakfast had some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the small ones, not Cinnabon size) and coffee while having a selection of finger foods (cheese, hummus, bread, chicken) at a great wine tasting. That ended up being my dinner (in addition to the few bite-size Snickers I had watching a Netflix flick) which was O.K.

What does all that mean? It means that, overall, while it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t great BUT I did end up weighing the same today as I did on Friday and that is a Godsend! I am still at 239.9 and am soooooo looking forward to working out today. This week also will be interesting because I will not be visiting Doug for my mixed martial arts sessions so I will have to maintain my workouts  on my own, no obligatory classes to make. But I will do it. As I told him I have my “homework” and I will do it.

So I start this week feeling pretty good. I am firmly ensconsed in eating at home and drinking Coke Zero (instead of regular Coca-Cola). I am going to workout four or five times this week to keep that up. All is good. Could this weekend have been better, of course. I could have exercised AND eaten better. However, life is to be enjoyed and I enjoyed a bit of life this weekend. If that means having two small pretzels with mustard on Saturday night (which I did), or having delicious pepper jack cheese cubes, hummus and bread with wine, so be it. I am living life and I will not ever, ever again, whether it be in my weight or any other way, take life for granted. It is short and precious and should be fully, fully appreciated.

On Saturday I felt my mom with me as I walked through that park with all those people. It wasn’t sad. It was the feeling you get when walking with your parents when you’re a kid. It was safe and warm and happy. And as long as I keep up with my better eating and exercising I will be able to have that feeling for decades to come.

I am a bit grumpy this morning. I am grumpy this morning because I am sick and tired of food – ALL FOOD – having stupid calories, and because genies in lamps don’t really exist.

I know this sounds completely insane but I always wonder in my heart and soul why everything we want to eat has to be “worked off” and “no good for us.” Why is it that Chinese food (yes, my dinner of choice last night) has to have not just calories but so much salt that it causes me to creep to another three more ounces this morning (hence part of my grumpyness).  I know it was “no good for me” and that I will “work it off,” but still. Can’t a guy have his beef chop suey after a workout and NOT have to still gain back ounces? Grrrrrrr.

And why can’t genies exist? These are so the times I wish I could find a genie in a lamp. I daydream about casually strolling the beach down in Atlantic City (after winning a few bucks at Craps, my favorite game) and stumbling across a beautiful, ornate golden lamp. I start brushing the sand off its surface when a cool-ass genie appears and says to me, “Dude. Wow. Thanks for finding me! You know how long I’ve been cooped up in coach in that thing? Where’s the baggage claim anyway? Oh, never mind. Since you found me and I have finally landed I will offer you three wishes as gratitude. The only condition is that you chuck me and the lamp back in the ocean when you’re done so that others may share your good fortune. And PS, show me where the Craps tables are, man. I’ve been itchin’ for some games of chance since that bazaar in Morocco 400 years ago.”

If only I could really have those three wishes. Besides the obvious one featuring lots of  money and one I would keep in my back pocket for another day, I think I would wish for me to never gain weight ever again from any food stuff ever in the history of the entire universe. That would include never gaining weight from any of the following yummy, delicious “no good for us” foods you have to “work off:”

• Cinnabon cinnamon rolls
• The afore-mentioned Chinese food (damn it all to hell – stupid ounces – grrrrrr)
• Hostess Cupcakes (don’t worry, I didn’t have any last night. Just thought about them, that’s all)
• Italian Beef  sandwiches
• Chicago-style hot dogs
• Cheesestea)k hoagies
• Alcohol (not that I am a beer drinker. I’m talking about my martinis and frosty, fruity island drinks you get with little umbrellas and s&^t)
• French fries (especially the big beefsteak or potato wedge kind)
• Strawberry ice-cream (again, don’t worry I didn’t have any last night
• Banana cream pie
• Chocolate cake and/or cupcakes (mmmmm, cupcakes – said like Homer Simpson drooling out the side of his mouth)
• Indian food (especially chicken tikka masala)
• Stuffed pizza (or any pizza for that matter)
• Buffalo wings
• Mashed potatoes (come to think of it the entirety of Thanksgiving dinner – including any and all leftovers)
• A plate of Southern food (fried chicken, a mess of greens and some kind of starch like grits)

Ok, Ok. I’ll stop now but you get my grumpy point this morning. Each one of us has foods we love but that are extremely bad for us. Just yesterday I was talking with people who felt bad for having a small box of Cheez-Its or a couple of cookies. But why should they feel bad? We like these foods, they just don’t like us back. Yeah, I would so use a wish and change all that.

Well, maybe I would. There is that world peace thing to consider, and all. It just “grinds my gears” – no wait, I used that slogan for a blog already. It just makes me grumpy we always have to pay the stupid “a moment on the lips, an eternity on the hips” price for the foods we enjoy most. And on grey, cloudy and rainy days like this perfectly suited for comfort foods and movies I don’t want to worry about the calories they leave behind.

Well, that’s OK. We can’t appreciate the destination without fully respecting the journey…

…every yummy, calorie-rich, has to be “worked off,” “no good for you” step of it.

Cravings. What is it about them? They happen all the time, everywhere. Being an emotional eater I’ve had my share of them lately (especially when I had to drop a very unexpected $2K on my car for maintenance) and I wish I could stop. Milky Way bars, egg rolls, cheese fries, Cinnabon, Auntie Anne’s pretzels and more. As I’m writing this, I have a craving for my usual cup of extra cream, extra crunchy (sugary) coffee.

You know how it is when you get a craving for something. Don’t ya? You’re deep in thought about how to save the planet, the report you have to do the next day at work, errands you have to run – it doesn’t matter. Once that craving hits you it’s like all the other thoughts in your head all somehow lead back to that craving and you try to justify it in any way possible…

“It would certainly help me think better about saving the planet/these errands/this report if I had (insert the name/type of craving you have here) in my tummy.”

I even heard from one of my friends on Twitter today who had a taste for birthday cake this morning – even though it’s eight months until her birthday.

Lately, I’ve had one helluva craving for strawberry ice-cream. I don’t know what it is or why but there are times when I’m just sitting on the couch and all I can think about is having a pint of good ol’ bad-for-you strawberry ice-cream. The last time it hit me was just the other night. I was watching the Chicago Bulls get beaten by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Playoffs (I was also craving a little bit of home). I was sitting on the couch wondering how much effort it would take to actually get dressed, drive to the store and purchase a pint. Is that bad? OK, I know the answer to that. “Yes, it is.” But if we had beaming technology I would have been so there at the Wawa (the best convenience stores on the planet) looking over the freezer to find a pint of Haagen-Dazs Strawberry Ice-Cream.

Yum.

I think ultimately I replaced one sweet craving for another. I have done a really good job as of late weaning myself off of Coca-Cola (at least as much of it as I’d been having) so I think at night, when cravings really get bad and my cravings are strongest, instead of reaching for a Coke I want to reach for ice-cream. It just so happens that I’m too damn lazy to get dressed to go get a pint which is a really, really good thing. I have also been doing my best to be Zen about my cravings. I allow myself to have my cravings every now and then so I don’t turn into a miserable, grumpy bastard but I also control them and don’t make them a part of my every day. However, it all means one thing – I soooooo need to go shopping and get some good healthier food in the house. I need to at least follow the advice of the personal trainer, Jorge, I saw recently…

1. Apples and peanut butter is a great mid-day snack.
2. Cheat with a liquid – sugar free Jello, frozen yogurt, water ice or low-cal pudding
3. Cheat with a fat – like eating a cheese steak without the bread, wings, ribs, cheeseburger without the bun

These suggestions may not help me stem my cravings for delicious strawberry ice-cream entirely but seeing my numbers go down gradually on my electronic scale sure as hell does.

I can honestly say I had an excellent adventure to The Big Apple yesterday. Well, sort of…

I started my day as I knew I would, with my fruit and medium coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts with extra cream and extra crunchy (extra sugar). As I hit the road and enjoyed my coffee (in which they actually got the right amount of crunchiness) I was psyching myself up for what I knew would be an adventure filled with many food temptations, starting with the rest stops along the way.

Since I live in southern New Jersey I pass five rest areas along the New Jersey Turnpike – the Alexander Hamilton, the Joyce Kilmer, the Thomas A. Edison, the Richard Stockton and the Molly Pitcher. I started my day by having coffee and fruit because each one of these rest stops has a temptation I’d pull over for in a heartbeat.  Which temptations do you ask? I have three words for you: Cinnabon, Burger King and Nathan’s Hot Dogs. Just  writing about it makes me drool at the thought of a delicious, oh-so-decadent warm cinnamon roll with extra frosting, a hot and juicy, freshly-made Whopper with cheese (which my former self did have for breakfast, along with hash browns and mega-large Coke for breakfast) or a couple of awesome hot dogs with everything (a good one-handed road food). But I resisted. It was difficult but I did.

So I got to New York and, true to form, morning traffic was nuts. But I expected that. By the time I got to the Better TV offices on Lexington I was full of coffee and full of gumption that I wasn’t going to eat badly (and yes, I know, I know – I’m full of something alright). I even found a parking spot on the street just a block-and-a-half from the place. Awesome (well, sort of…)

When I arrive at the offices I was shown to the “green room,” where (insert ominous music here, or your standard dum, dum, duuuuum) a tray of some extremely delicious-looking pastries, muffins and bagels lie in front of me, each one of the delicacies calling to me and my taste buds “eat me, eat me, Bill.” “Ha,” I said. Well, actually I said “bite me,” and I had, instead a snack of some of the fresh fruit they had on a tray next to the evil (but yummy-looking) baked goods.

After a small snack of some grapes, strawberries and a piece of pineapple I was ready for my close-up, Mr. & Mrs. DeMille. And the shoot went great. The people at Better TV, especially host Audra Lowe, were great. I even got to tape a second, slightly-longer segment for airing either on the web or in markets where they have more time. I was thrilled and they seemed to like me. They really liked me, and I was out in time to go rescue my car from its street parking spot before it turned into a pumpkin. Well, sort of…

First I had to run something of a mini-gauntlet. While this one didn’t have the little red-haired girl, the clown, the colonel or the king, it did have a few restaurants that had come alive for the lunch crowd and were not open when I arrived. I passed a great-looking deli, with its wonderful tray of free samples beckoning me to taste. I passed an awesome looking Cuban restaurant and its fried wonders (although I do love me a Cuban sandwich every now and then), the smells of the food calling me to come inside and have some lunch. I also passed a great-smelling Halal-type cart where fresh chicken was frying up with some type of saucy goo that, while I didn’t know what was in it sure smelled good.

But I made it through and got to my car. I knew I had only a couple of minutes left but I should be good, no ticket for an expired meter. But wait, what was this…

…A $115 ticket for my wheels being on the sidewalk?! You’ve gotta be s%$#@&*g me?! I looked down and, wouldn’t you know, because the sidewalk and curb were so low to the street and I had no idea I had actually parked on the curb, I was parked a few (A FEW) inches onto the curb. I mean I didn’t pull an action movie or “Blues Brothers” and park completely on the sidewalk. I honestly couldn’t feel in my car I had parked on the stupid, way-too-low curb. Grrrrrrr.

I was pissed. PISSED I tell you. I was so angry I felt like the Hulk, but instead of wanting to “smash” this Hulk wanted to now eat. I’ve always said I’m an emotional eater, and those emotions run to anger, as well. When I’m angry and my adrenaline is going I feel like eating everything. I felt like going back and having some good New York deli, followed by a fried Cuban hot pockety thing they were selling and a dessert of some of that chicken with goo from the cart. I knew I had to just get in my car and get away from those temptations. And that’s what I did. I got back on the road.

And even though I was sloooooooowly calming down I was still pretty angry, and I still had to run the final gauntlet – the five rest stops I could easily resist before but now…let’s say my resolve was waning. I have to say the most tempting of the bunch was to pull over and have a Cinnabon, since they are only located in rest stops, malls (not my mall) or airports. But I didn’t. Nor did I pull over for a Whopper (my favorite fast food burger) or a hot dog (I did OD on those when I was recently home, anyway). Nah, I only had one food item on my mind and even though I was steamed enough to beat out the sun I only wanted a grilled chicken sandwich from Chick-Fil-A and Diet Dr. Pepper.

So I survived my trip, sort of. I resisted the urges that tempt us all every single day but it was quite an expensive adventure. However, I know in my head in my heart those two things should be reversed. I did get a stupid, asinine $115 ticket from the City of New York (screw you, very much) but I did hold strong and did not overeat…

…and that is a victory any day of the year.

Good Tuesday morning and welcome back! It was so awesome waking up this morning and seeing how many new visitors and friends checked out the website. Thank you, all. I really do hope everyone (new and frequent visitors alike) keeps coming back and finds this website a place to “hang out” and turn to when a dose of weight loss inspiration is needed because I am right there with you. I need that, too. Today I am down to 235.7 which is awesome as I am back to fighting the “Battle of the Final Ten” (the last ten pounds before I re-hit my goal weight of 225).

I swear it’s a struggle sometimes and it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. Food is top-most on my mind. And how bad does that sound? I feel and sound like a junkie. Like yesterday, I was out and about and had the biggest taste for a Twinkie (I really have to watch myself with those). I even had a strange dream about being in some strange place (I knew it was strange because I NEEDED a taste of home) and went to the thing that reminded me of home most at that moment – a bakery. I asked for two cream cheese- and fruit-filled danishes, but they had the hardest time filling my order…

And why would a bakery have a hard time filling an order for something I saw in its display cases before I ordered it? Because it was the feelings surrounding it. I wanted a taste of home. I wanted to feel that comfort of foods from my childhood. Lately I’ve been missing my mom more and more and we used to go to the bakery every Sunday morning for sweet rolls and danishes to eat while reading the Sunday paper together. That’s been sticking in my head, fueling my taste for sweets – like Twinkies, Cinnabons and doughnuts.

But I mentioned the other day in my blog that sometimes we don’t need those foods, we just need friends and support around us to keep us happy and keep us going. I guess this was no exception even if it was just a dream. So I’m glad I recognized that “need” and resisted the urge to hunt down Twinkies (which you kind of have to do in the land of Tastycakes) and instead opted instead for a couple of clementine oranges.

Man, but what a whacked-out dream it was. It even made me wake up with a song in my head – the theme song from the 70s TV show “Welcome Back Kotter.” You remember the lyrics, don’t ya?

“Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about…”

Ugh! I’m gonna’ have to Google the thing just to get it out of my head. However, it’s ironic that song came to mind. The lyrics written by John Sebastian talk about friendship and how when people’s dreams seem lost it’s friends that can turn that around. That’s what you guys do for me every day. You all really do help keep me going, too, ya’ know. And I hope I do the same for you.

So I am waking up a bit stronger today and will be able to resist what foods are thrown my way. Whether they’re from the “gauntlet” (which is what I call that stretch of road that has all the fast food joints on it, one right after the other) or from the snack section of the grocery store I will keep you guys and this song on my mind because I want to sing that theme song and be able to apply it to my life, too. And while weight is no laughing matter I do want to look back to that same old place of having all that weight on me and know that with help and support I had a ticket out of it all to find my way here. As you all will. We will help each other. It’s a promise.

And I will apologize now you have the song stuck in your head all day, too.