Determined To Succeed

Damn. I hate waking up late. That sudden rush of adrenaline and fear when you realize you’re hours past when you wanted to wake up and not where you wanted or expected to be. Kind of like Michael J. Fox at the beginning of “Back to the Future.”

This morning started out OK. I gently rose with both of my alarm clocks (the sun and the radio) and noticed it was only half-past-six. So what did I do? Rolled over, of course, and decided in my sleepy haze that twenty more minutes would be great (I will always want my twenty more minutes). Well, little did I realize that that twenty more minutes would turn into almost three freaking hours. Yikes!!!!!

So I did what any normal Joe would do – I immediately hopped out of bed, terrified that so much time had gone. I looked back at the clock and confirmed that I wasn’t seeing an 8 but a 9 (grrrrr), got dressed and went immediately to work. But those of you who know me know I hate being late. Even though I work from home and do this blog I hate being late. Being late sets the tone for the day, and makes me feel like I am constantly behind the 8-ball.

Now in an instance like this in my former life (driving to work) I would be grabbing myself something quick and fast on the way. No doubt my extra crunchy (sugary) coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and a breakfast sandwich of some type. But now that I work from home it’s safe and dangerous all at the same time. I could easily reach for my darling clementines – those delicious, small seedless wonders – or make something completely bad, a comfort food that will calm me down. Something that involves sausage, or bacon (bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon) or syrupy. But I remind myself that I can’t, especially with my weight creeping back up. In the end that’s what calms me down, that wonderful voice inside my head, body and heart saying “don’t eat crap.”

So I take a deep breath and focus. I hate starting my day stressed and certainly do not want to start my day stress eating. It is such a danger for me. I am an emotional eater, and stress is one of those emotions that can make you eat without realizing it. In those situations I eat something just to occupy my body in some way without thinking twice to the calories I am consuming. I hate that. When I am sad I turn to my comfort foods. While I know what I am eating in those situations I tend to eat lots more than I should because I try to take away that sadness and replace it with warm, good feelings that I think food will provide. But it only works for a while, and the only thing I feel is being full. And after, all I’m left with is an extra pound or two.

Today, though, I had my clementines and am about to make a cup of very crunchy coffee (coffee with extra extra sugar) and start my day of writing. I had had it all worked out, what I was going to write about today (which was a follow-up to my tough love blog helping people who seemingly need help), but I will save that for tomorrow. In a way I’m glad I woke up late, sort of like a test you pass unexpectedly.

That’s how I know this will be a successful week. That’s how I know I will continue to lose this weight and keep it off.  That’s how I know I actually learned something on my weight loss journey.

Hey there, my friends. Today’s blog is gonna be short and sweet as I am getting ready to hop in a car and head to New York City. And with the “impending storm” the east is supposed to get again I’ll be spending the night there, too.

OK, I’m gonna let the cat out of the bag. The reason I am headed to New York City is to tape a segment for the 100th episode of the Dr. Oz show. I am thrilled they thought my weight loss story was good enough for the show which focuses on people who have lost over 100 lbs.

I’m also hoping to tell the world about this website, DETERMINEDTOSUCCEED.COM. It really is my goal to help people in every way I can to lose weight and do it being healthy and happy. I may not be trained in any way but I know I like food, I know I’m human and I knew if I didn’t lose weight I was not gonna live (or live well) later in life.

Problem is, I am a nervous eater and I nervously ate last night and am nervously hungry today. However, I was smart yesterday. While I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch, some chili and Wawa salad for dinner I snacked on bowls of cereal instead of acting on my fast food instinct. So I consider it a victory. Should I have eaten at all? No. But at least I had healthier cereal and milk instead of a 600-calorie Whopper with Cheese, fries and a Coke.

I just need to keep my healthier, thinner wits about me today as I tackle the Big Apple. Is the prospect of being on national TV a powerful motivator to not gorge myself? Hell yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m not human and don’t WANT to. But I packed my workout clothes and hopefully the hotel has a gym in which I can burn off the need for beef fried rice, Milky Way bars and Cokes.

I will give you guys a full report after tomorrow, Wednesday. That is when we tape the show. Today I just head in to record an audio piece that will be used later. Can you tell I’m a bit nervous? I feel like I’m just rambling…

…oh, which reminds me I have to pack some clementines on which to snack. I don’t want to actually take a bite out of that Big Apple and they’re a far better and healthier than anything I’m sure the hotel will carry in their mini-store.

Good Tuesday morning and welcome back! It was so awesome waking up this morning and seeing how many new visitors and friends checked out the website. Thank you, all. I really do hope everyone (new and frequent visitors alike) keeps coming back and finds this website a place to “hang out” and turn to when a dose of weight loss inspiration is needed because I am right there with you. I need that, too. Today I am down to 235.7 which is awesome as I am back to fighting the “Battle of the Final Ten” (the last ten pounds before I re-hit my goal weight of 225).

I swear it’s a struggle sometimes and it doesn’t matter where I am or what I’m doing. Food is top-most on my mind. And how bad does that sound? I feel and sound like a junkie. Like yesterday, I was out and about and had the biggest taste for a Twinkie (I really have to watch myself with those). I even had a strange dream about being in some strange place (I knew it was strange because I NEEDED a taste of home) and went to the thing that reminded me of home most at that moment – a bakery. I asked for two cream cheese- and fruit-filled danishes, but they had the hardest time filling my order…

And why would a bakery have a hard time filling an order for something I saw in its display cases before I ordered it? Because it was the feelings surrounding it. I wanted a taste of home. I wanted to feel that comfort of foods from my childhood. Lately I’ve been missing my mom more and more and we used to go to the bakery every Sunday morning for sweet rolls and danishes to eat while reading the Sunday paper together. That’s been sticking in my head, fueling my taste for sweets – like Twinkies, Cinnabons and doughnuts.

But I mentioned the other day in my blog that sometimes we don’t need those foods, we just need friends and support around us to keep us happy and keep us going. I guess this was no exception even if it was just a dream. So I’m glad I recognized that “need” and resisted the urge to hunt down Twinkies (which you kind of have to do in the land of Tastycakes) and instead opted instead for a couple of clementine oranges.

Man, but what a whacked-out dream it was. It even made me wake up with a song in my head – the theme song from the 70s TV show “Welcome Back Kotter.” You remember the lyrics, don’t ya?

“Welcome back. Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back to that same old place that you laughed about…”

Ugh! I’m gonna’ have to Google the thing just to get it out of my head. However, it’s ironic that song came to mind. The lyrics written by John Sebastian talk about friendship and how when people’s dreams seem lost it’s friends that can turn that around. That’s what you guys do for me every day. You all really do help keep me going, too, ya’ know. And I hope I do the same for you.

So I am waking up a bit stronger today and will be able to resist what foods are thrown my way. Whether they’re from the “gauntlet” (which is what I call that stretch of road that has all the fast food joints on it, one right after the other) or from the snack section of the grocery store I will keep you guys and this song on my mind because I want to sing that theme song and be able to apply it to my life, too. And while weight is no laughing matter I do want to look back to that same old place of having all that weight on me and know that with help and support I had a ticket out of it all to find my way here. As you all will. We will help each other. It’s a promise.

And I will apologize now you have the song stuck in your head all day, too.

Last night was an OK night but I have to admit I gave in to two of my kryptonite foods – beef fried rice and Coca-Cola. But I didn’t do it because I was weak (well, not totally). Actually I did it to celebrate. You see yesterday a photographer from the Philadelphia Inquirer came by to take a shot or two for an article that is going to run on the website in Monday’s paper (I will get you guys a link as soon as it does). That was pretty cool. Hopefully people will see my story and know they are not alone in this weight loss journey we are all doing.

This morning, after consuming said Chinese food and Coke (which I did watching the always awesome film “Purple Rain”), I am just up a half-pound. Not too bad actually. And I am going to be super good this weekend. Especially when I think about that photographer’s friend about whom I learned during the shoot.

I can’t tell you the friend’s name because she never said the name but she did share with me that the friend was struggling so hard with weight. She was having some severe joint pain. She has just been diagnosed with high blood pressure.  She was working out and lost weight but gained it back. Lots of emotional stress going on in her life.

Wow. Sound familiar? It sure as hell did to me. So I spent some time talking to my new photographer friend about my story and what I do to keep the weight off including the healthier fruit snacks I bought whenever I get an attack of the munchies (Clementines are the best). I told her how much I exercise and try to be good about eating. But that once in a while, as a treat, I do indulge (as I did last night) in Chinese food and Coca-Cola.

I also told the photographer I felt a kinship to this person and that I understand the emotional side of it all. Things like frustration, anger, shame and food addiction. I really do. Like a vicious circle it is, craving and eating food but being ashamed of actually eating it and how many pounds it can put on. How you hide in comfort zones. Man. So many similar feelings came up. Like wanting to scream because everyone thinks fat people are supposed to be jolly and happy which is a silly stereotype since everyone has real emotions and there were times that, while fat, I sure as hell wasn’t jolly. Not when you have to ask for seatbelt extenders on planes and feel like you have to apologize for being larger than the average bear.

But then things got lighter. I told the photographer about donating all my fat clothes so I had no way to go back. I told her about my new-found energy. I told her that I simply feel better. And when I was asked if people treat me differently I say yes, especially since I feel I am the same person I was when I was larger. I know my body has changed but my spirit, the thing that drives me, is still the same (kind of like the tagline for last year’s Vin Diesel movie “Fast & Furious” – New Model. Original Parts).

When we concluded the shoot I told the photographer friend to recommend my website to her. I just wanted her friend to know through my stories and this site she wasn’t alone in this. To love herself enough to put herself first and, through that, her weight loss goal would be achieved. I hope she takes me up on that.

To everyone out there you are doing a great job. Even if you are doing just a few sit-ups every day. That is more than what you were doing and that is great. If you are cutting back on soda and chips and walking, that is awesome. Keep it up. As for me I am getting my butt to the gym so I can work off that half-pound.

Not so that I can eat more beef fried rice and drink more Coke. But so that the feeling of celebration can continue throughout the coming weekend.

Well, it’s finally happened. I finally got off my plateau and dropped a pound.

All I have to say is WOOHOO!

In these battles for losing poundage this pesky little pound was hard fought but I did it and I am pleased. And today I am 236.7. Thank goodness. That was some good news this morning countered almost immediately by the heart-racing, anxious feeling you get when the blue screen of death comes on.

All I have to say is AIEEEEEEE!

(Knock on wood) All seems to be better now and I head into this weekend excited about this new downward trend that I hope continues. Especially since a photographer from the Philadelphia Inquirer is coming to take a few pictures today for an article running in Monday’s edition about my weight loss journey and this website. I am very excited.

I’ve realized something along the way – I need to keep healthier snacks in the house for times like these, when my emotions make me prone to overeating and snacking. I have to admit I’ve had to attack snacking almost as much as I’ve attacked my Coke habit (again, the soft drink not the icky powder stuff). So I went to the store yesterday and got myself several healthier snacks including some awesome looking bananas, some peaches and, best of all, some Clementines. Those seedless oranges are the perfect snack. They not only quench your thirst for something sweet (like a Coke would) but they also give you something to chew. And anyone with a food addiction like me likes to feel as though we are eating something. I don’t know WHY that is. It just is.

I am doubly glad I did because yesterday I wrote another emotional entry in my “Memories of My Mother” blog. It was about buying one  of those Throwback Pepsi bottles you’re seeing commercials for these days. I tried one in hopes I would have a small taste (literally and figuratively) of my childhood. Well, as they say, you can’t go home again and I became very sad. So sad I did what I do. I reached for food.

Although this time I grabbed much healthier snacks after a good cry, and I felt better. So as I plopped down on my couch and watched “Goodfellas” (which is an amazing movie, by the way) I felt a bit of relief that I had the foresight to get those fruits on which to snack. That I didn’t get any Coca-Cola for the house. I just reached for my darling Clementines and they were good. And refrigerated they are the best.

Last weekend I said I was going to be a weekend food warrior. This weekend I think I’m just gonna pull back a notch or two and just THINK about what I’m eating and WHEN. I will be careful in my food and drink choices and take each meal as it comes.  I am not going to predict I will be the best but will just be the best I can be at each meal. That’s all I can do.

That’s all any of us can do. So that by weekend’s end I can be happier, food-wise. And maybe, just maybe, shave another pound off the old waist in the process. I’ll keep you posted.