Determined To Succeed

My friends, happy weekend and day one-hundred-sixteen!

I first of all have to apologize to all of you for not writing a blog on Wednesday of this past week. You see, I was not well at all and had to take this week off in order to recoup. It was so bad doctors were called (I have been diagnosed with diverticulosis) and everything, including this weight loss blog, had to be put aside for a bit so I could properly recover.

While I am on the mend and feeling a helluva lot better than I have this past week (as you’ve read – it was the cause of my serious dizziness), I am troubled. Not just because this is a crappy way to ring-in this holiday season AND my upcoming 40th birthday) I now have to modify my diet to include and/or exclude certain foods. Even some foods I love (corn, nuts, popcorn and – egads! – strawberries, among others) have to be seriously curtailed because, it seems, they aggravate the condition. This sucks! I love my strawberries (and strawberry ice-cream), nuts and corn! Bah! I am troubled because, for the first time in my weight loss journey, I now have to officially modify my diet.

As you all know I lost weight not using any kind of specific food regimen. I still ate what I wanted when I wanted it. I simply cut back (as much as I could) on the portions. I still ate Chinese food, drank regular Coca-Cola and had Milky Way bars. However, those things became treats. I also exercised as much as I could, too (the two do go hand-in-hand). But now I have to make food choices based on medicine and science and I don’t want it to seem like I am changing my tune in this whole thing.

I am not giving up the foods I described (and there are more) because they are part of some secret society, new wave diet plan-of-the-stars. It doesn’t have a flashy name like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. It is simply diverticulosis, a condition that, believe-you-me, you don’t want to have and not just because of the food restrictions.

On the plus side, diverticulosis does have a few decent things in store for my menu – eating more whole grains, leafy green vegetables, and fruits. See, not so bad, especially since we all should be doing that anyway. About that, I am excited. I am also excited about the final thing actually used to combat diverticulosis, exercise. It helps the condition by aiding digestion. Again something we should all be doing anyway.

I hate to drop this kind of blog on you guys like this but I had to explain what is going on (I did always promise to let you know the ups and downs, after all). I just wanted you to know I hadn’t given in and jumped into a program of some sort (not that it is wrong to do so or that people who do it are wrong – in fact, if it works for you go and run with it and more power to you if it helps). My way works for me. It has already and will for the rest of my life. I also wanted to let you guys know I am taking a vacation from writing until December 13, 2011. On that date I hope to be rested, as fully recovered as I can be and ready to share my list of 40 things I want to do in my 40^th year.

As we enter the fever of the holiday season (and I wish all people of all faiths good tidings and well wishes this season) remember to be as strong as you can. I know I will. It may be a crappy way, as I said earlier, to celebrate tidings of comfort and joy but I am happy to just be here. As soon as I am physically able again I’m going to work out so I can get back to that always-mentioned goal weight of mine. Most importantly keep in mind the blessings we have in our lives. I know I will, including the gift of being able to have a medical problem diagnosed before it got me to a far worse health state. All I will say is “whew, that was a close one” and leave it at that.

Have a great week-and-a-half, my friends. I will be bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and ever-so-slightly older when next we meet on these pages. Until then, know I appreciate you all and that I am right there with you in this battle to lose weight. As cheesy as it will sound I, too, am DETERMINED TO SUCCEED.

Day one-hundred-one.

Finally! After days and weeks of moving up and down and back up on the scale I am finally heading back down. How did I accomplish this? Simple. I stopped being such a bonehead with my portions, ate the amount a normal human would and exercised. I feel so much lighter, literally and figuratively, and it’s a relief to be headed back down expecially with birthday number 40 just 26 or so days away. To do this I have had to sort of meditate while awake, instead of folding my legs together, sitting on the floor and chanting “ooooohmmmmm.” In other words I’ve had to think about what I was doing WHEN I was doing it so I didn’t do dumb and stupid things trying to be good.  Case in point…

…I’ve known for weeks now that I have been drinking too much Coke Zero. It is awesome and way better calorically than a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola. But it meant I wasn’t drinking enough water. Also, I was having a little more than I should at dinnertime, putting just a few more potatoes, another scoop or two of rice or more bread on my plate. Bad Bill, Bad Bill. Even though I was exercising it still, at most, was keeping my weight where it was and, at worst, allowing it to inch up ever so gradually. But with 26 days to go (my goal for getting at least close to my goal weight of 225) I sort of slip into a self-imposed walking trance. Not the kind where I’d look weird or anything walking down the street, like a zombie in the recent rash of movies like THE WALKING DEAD. No, silently, I say to myself…

…Bill. Bill. You don’t – Hey BILL! Snap out of it! You don’t need to eat that much!

…Bill, you don’t need to eat that (and insert the name of a food treat here ala doughnut, candy bar, cake, ice-cream or soda variety).

…Bill, you need to get your fat ass up and exercise until you sweat!

…Bill, you want to get to your goal way more than you want this, that and the other.

See, and it worked. That, and watching THE BIGGEST LOSER last night. I know I have my criticisms of that show (chief among them that I believe people should lose weight if they go to a camp where their ONLY JOB is to lose weight, and I maintain how interesting it would be to follow normal people who don’t have Jillian or Bob yelling at them while they ride the swankiest equipment, but instead have to go about their daily lives – including running the fast food gauntlet every day) but it really did help get the taste for strawberry ice-cream out of my mouth.

Today is going to be more of the same. I’m going to keep focusing on what things I need to accomplish instead of how good something would taste (like chocolate). Also, I’m going to keep in mind the 241.6 I saw on my scale instead of the 242.8 from the other day and know I want to keep that going. Oh yes, I so want to keep that going. I just have to remember that a little bit of meditation is good for the soul and the waistline.

Besides, my Calvin Klein suit waits for me in my closet, staring back at me wondering if it’s ever going to be worn.

“Yes, my lovely suit. Yes, you will and one day soon.” I have to keep meditating on that, as well.

Day ninety-two.

Happy Monday, everyone. Well, I barely – BARELY – survived the weekend. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. First, I ended up eating waaaaaaaaay too much on Friday night for dinner. I did aright for breakfast and lunch. Following my egg and sausage half-sandwich for breakfast I had a bagel for lunch (since I knew I was working out on Friday afternoon with Sensei Doug). But for dinner, fuck! I ate like a pig. It was taco night and there should be a law about how good jalepenos, onions, salsa, cheese and taco meat taste on a tortilla. Yum!

Saturday,  I was honored enough to be a part of the first-annual walk for pancreatic cancer in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, in honor of my mom, JoAnn. It was heartwarming to be surrounded by so many people who could understand that bitch disease while, at the same time, being there in positive support of all our loved ones, friends and family afflicted. It was a wonderful three-mile walk and one I will do every year, as I can, to remember the best lady in the whole world.

I love you, Mama. So much.

For lunch, I ate a wonderfully-prepared omelette (if I do say so myself) and some bacon and toast while for dinner I polished off the remainder of the taco stuff. Yesterday, for breakfast had some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the small ones, not Cinnabon size) and coffee while having a selection of finger foods (cheese, hummus, bread, chicken) at a great wine tasting. That ended up being my dinner (in addition to the few bite-size Snickers I had watching a Netflix flick) which was O.K.

What does all that mean? It means that, overall, while it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t great BUT I did end up weighing the same today as I did on Friday and that is a Godsend! I am still at 239.9 and am soooooo looking forward to working out today. This week also will be interesting because I will not be visiting Doug for my mixed martial arts sessions so I will have to maintain my workouts  on my own, no obligatory classes to make. But I will do it. As I told him I have my “homework” and I will do it.

So I start this week feeling pretty good. I am firmly ensconsed in eating at home and drinking Coke Zero (instead of regular Coca-Cola). I am going to workout four or five times this week to keep that up. All is good. Could this weekend have been better, of course. I could have exercised AND eaten better. However, life is to be enjoyed and I enjoyed a bit of life this weekend. If that means having two small pretzels with mustard on Saturday night (which I did), or having delicious pepper jack cheese cubes, hummus and bread with wine, so be it. I am living life and I will not ever, ever again, whether it be in my weight or any other way, take life for granted. It is short and precious and should be fully, fully appreciated.

On Saturday I felt my mom with me as I walked through that park with all those people. It wasn’t sad. It was the feeling you get when walking with your parents when you’re a kid. It was safe and warm and happy. And as long as I keep up with my better eating and exercising I will be able to have that feeling for decades to come.

Day seventy-one.

Happy Monday, everybody. Did you have a great weekend? More to the point, did you make it through the weekend without eating too much and getting in some exercise? I hope so, especially since it was a heavy sports weekend (if you’re into that). Regular-season football, MLB playoff baseball…it can take its toll colorically and physically (I can also be quite the couch potato). Thankfully, I did maintain my weight (237) despite a few daliances (I did give in to my Twinkie craving) and am starting the week on a great note.

Yesterday, I attended my regular Sunday night twelve-step meeting and it was, putting it mildly, interesting. There were a few people I’ve never seen before but apparently were part of the fellowship some months or years prior to my arrival. One person had a particularly scary story to tell while they were “getting current” with the group and it really threw me for a loop. While I won’t reveal what they said suffice it to say I was uncomfortable, extremely so, but overall the group was good last night because of the topics selected – trust, things to do and resentment. These three topics seemed very appropriate for me given that each one goes through my mind on a daily basis.

There have been many things I have resented in my life but none more so than my own actions at times. I was as low as I could go and I hated myself for it. Dammit, those demons were strong and terrifying and I gave into each and every one of them. Before I confronted my past and found out the reasons why I was “acting out” in the present I resented, and had great shame over, great portions of my past and I tried to bury it all, sometimes with massive amounts of food. Yes, I also resented being 400 pounds, but once I started valuing life again, especially over these last seventy-one days, I’ve come to know I am stronger than those demons and can win and win without Twinkies, ice-cold regular Coca-Cola (Coke Zero is now my new BFF) and mass quantities of egg rolls or beef fried rice.

Trust is a tricky thing with me, especially since I never really let many people inside because of the walls a created to “protect” myself. Funny how the mind works. You secretly want to let people in because you want to be held and loved but, because of shame and fear, you build up blockers to keep people out as a defense mechanism. Well, not anymore and I think I’m getting better and better at it every day. The secret being that I realized I had to rebuild trust, not just with people in my life but, most importantly, with myself and that comes from liking me again and knowing I will make the right choices now. Choices I can trust are the best ones for me and building on that.

As far as filling my time with things to do, well, you guys know the things I’m working on. This weight loss blog is one of them. I find one of my triggers to eat is due to me feeling bored when I don’t have things filling my time. I eat to pass the time and that is so wrong. It was so wrong. So now I am concentrating on the positives and am working on many things, one of which I will reveal to you in the next month or month-and-a-half or so as it pertains to my upcoming 40th birthday.

When I left the meeting last night I could feel myself on the right path. I am in a positive place and that feels good. I may have had a Twinkie or two this past week but I exercised and did not eat out. All of this, especially in weight loss, is retraining the mind to act in different ways – to choose different paths than we would have chosen before and re-learning how to act. That rediscovery is cool…so cool. It’s almost like the world is new and we have a new world full of opportunity at our feet.

It is just up to each and every one of us to walk that path to get to those opportunities. For the first time in my life I do feel worth it which helps me immensely as I drive the gauntlet of fast food places (especially Burger King) passing them all up for the wonderful BLTs I had at home last night for dinner, or the leftover grilled BBQ pork chops I had for lunch Saturday. Those are the meals I look forward to now. That is the future I look forward to now.

So have a great start to your week, my friends, and good luck on your weight loss journeys. Remember, food may be awesome but you are more awesome and deserve better than you give yourself sometimes. So you don’t have to eat if you really don’t want to or feel ashamed to, because it will always feel better to open up and talk to someone – anyone – than to keep that stuff inside. And no matter what, as you try to walk that path of opportunity, I promise you one thing…you are not alone.

Day sixty-five.

Damn Tom Selleck! I never thought I’d hear those words come out of my mouth (well, typed on my computer) but there they are. I know you must be asking why I am damning “Magnum P.I.” so I will tell you why. Because he is so damned convincing in his “drink orange juice” spiel that I did…a whole half-gallon of it last night. That’s right. I consumed an entire half-gallon of orange juice. Ugh. I feel so wasted.

My fascination with orange juice probablygoes back to me being a kid. My mom, JoAnn Larson, and I went to our local Walgreens which, back then, had a diner attached. Well, I thought I was the shit when she ordered coffee for herself and an “O.J. on the rocks” for me. Me, her son! She ordered what sounded so grown up and exotic that I was beside myself. Then, when I got it and realized it was orange juice on ice I loved it just the same, and have ever since. And yes, on “the rocks.”

So last night I satisfied my craving for Italian food (being that it was Columbus Day) with a delicious baked ziti and Italian sausage. It was absolutely delicious but when I looked in the fridge for something with which to wash it down I saw the “tower of power,” the unopened carton of orange juice. Knowing that I have something of an orange juice craving I promised myself I’d just have two glasses (two small glasses that is). However that went out of the window so fast I could barely see it. What started out as two quickly became six-and-a-half glasses (all with ice) and before I knew it I finished the container.

“DAMN!” I thought to myself as I angrily shoved the now-empty container into the trash bin. “I shouldn’t have had all that O.J.” I went to sulk on the couch, watch “The Event” and promptly fell asleep afterward. I was in a self-induced food coma and O.J. “drunk.” I woke up this morning a full pound over where I was yesterday and I am soooooooo not pleased. Not one bit.

Damn you, Tom Selleck.

O.K., I can’t really blame Magnum for my “drinking problem.” Despite the fact I’ve been doing really well staying away from regular Coca-Cola, orange juice will always be my downfall. I even looked up how much I drank. I consumed the entire carton of Minute Maid no pulp orange juice, which contains eight 8-ounce servings, each with 110 calories each. Yep, that means I drank 64-ounces of orange juice and 880 calories – JUST BY DRINKING. Grrrrrrr.

I know I know better but it does just go to show (and show me) we need to watch the calories we drink. I am still in shock over the whole thing. Of course there are things in the world that are so much worse that drinking that much O.J., but watching my weight and calories and what I ingest is critical to not only my health but my future. It is at once both health-related and economic (since I didn’t spread out that purchase over several meals as I should have). And can I just mention my weight again…

Well, as I am always fond of saying (and believing) today is another day and a chance to right the wrongs of yesterday. Addictive patterns run deep in me, that much is for sure, especially with food and drink and I am the first to admit I am addicted to food and not in very good ways. But I will pick myself up again and keep moving forward. I will get to the gym today and workout. I will NOT consume as much as I did yesterday. I will be better. I have to be, especially since the guy who originally was chosen to play Indiana Jones is telling me to drink 100% pure orange juice…

…with credentials like that, his smoking of cigars aside for the moment, how could “Magnum P.I.”  be wrong?

Day sixty-four.

Good Monday morning, my friends. Today is the day we nationally observe Columbus Day, a day which I hold highly suspect since we seem to celebrate a guy who “discovered” people who were already here, “discovery” of a land already discovered by Leif Ericson hundreds of years before, and his contributions to religious intolerance and the Middle Passage/Atlantic Slave Trade. I do not mean to offend anyone who truly believes the myths and stories of Christopher Columbus in a blog about weight loss, just trying to educate as much as I can just like I try to do in matters of weight loss.

All that being said, and with all due respect to all parties involved, I do have something of a taste for Italian food. I can’t tell you how much, over the last few weeks, I’ve had the itch for pizza. Dammit! I have been this/close to picking up the phone and ordering up a sausage, mushroom, green pepper and onion pizza (with extra cheese) and plopping down to watch a movie or two. I also have to say that this taste for Italian led me to absolutely devour a couple of healthy helpings of the sausage and peppers provided at a party I attended Saturday night. Yummy and tasty, but I ate waaaaaaay too much.

Luckily, a couple of things happened:

1) I didn’t give in to my taste for pizza (or for a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola, for that matter)

2) Even though I ate my way to a tummy ache this past weekend I still continued to lose a few more ounces, a powerful motivator, indeed.

So I am, indeed, in a quandry. I guess the best thing to do is to nuke a Lean Cuisine pizza and just have the best of both worlds. I know, it’s nowhere near the same as a good pizza but it would knock the taste for a good “piece-a-pizza” (as my mom, JoAnn, would say) out of my mouth…at least for a little while.Or, I could have a nice portion-controlled serving of pasta with a garlic (and sausage) marinara. Mmmmmm, that sounds good, too. But, dammit! There I go again. It’s not even 10:00 a.m. and I am already thinking about dinner. Oh, well.

I do have to take little victories where I can get them, though. Like getting through the past few weeks without having a regular Coke. That has been hard, but thanks to Coke Cherry Zero and Coke Zero (I can’t stand regular Diet Coke) I have satisfied the taste for a soda without the calories. Also, being down a total of another 6 ounces is a Godsend especially the way I ate this past weekend. Sheesh! It was like I lost my mind at that party – meatballs, sausage and peppers, taco dip (which was good since I made it), desserts – and had never eaten before. Thank God I ate well around that party and ate very well for dinner (London Broil and Butternut Squash rice) last night.

Now today is for working out and getting back to that routine. Yep, I’m putting on the gloves for a great “round” of boxing and doing some, if not most, of my mixed martial arts routine. That should be fun. Then it’s back to the grindstone of writing and trying to do my best to stay away from my own strong food cravings.

Which leads me back to my taste for Italian. I know all I have to do is exercise a little “Bill Power” and get over my craving for pizza, but I’m human and it’s hard to do that sometimes, especially living so close to an Italian restaurant where you can smell the garlic sometimes wafting through the air enticing you to just drop my for a bite. But I will control my cravings for a big bowl of pasta this or a few slices of pizza that. I have to or the only thing I will be “discovering” on Columbus Day is the fact that my waistline will start growing back out and I sure as hell don’t want that.

If you have a holiday have a good one and do yourself a favor and Google “Christopher Columbus.” You may or may not agree with the arguments for or against a holiday recognizing him but one thing would be certain…you would have probably opened your mind to new things and “discovered” something you never knew before.

Day fifty-one.

This morning I am thinking about demons. Demons that seem unstoppable and invincible. Demons that, no matter what, can stand up to even time itself, the supposed great healer of all. Well, there are some things that time doesn’t take away, like pain. For example, it’s been almost a year and four months already since my mom, JoAnn Larson, passed away and I still feel that moment as if it were yesterday. I still feel the absence of her on this earth and, from what I hear from others who’ve lost parents, always will. Sure, time takes away some of the immediate sting but it never takes away the memory of the pain itself, and oh, how I wish it did.

When I was a child I was so ashamed of how I was living the shame became a tangible thing I touched every day. I felt my surroundings not only around me but inside me. I became saturated by the sights, sounds and smells of where I was living. I felt the roaches crawl on my skin. I could almost feel the gritty dirt on the faded light green of the walls. I smelled the accumulated smells in the carpet in the long hallway of my apartment building floor as the building passed into decrepit oblivion – the dust, garbage, people, old food, must and rodents all part of a gigantic trap from which I felt no release. Hell, I am also quite sure I went to school smelling of old cigarettes, since my mother loved unfiltered Pall Malls and we did live in one very small room. To this day I cannot stand the smell of old cigarette smoke which does get everywhere instantly no matter what a smoker might tell you to the contrary. That is a pain from which I have been removed for more than twenty years but which still helped define me, both in good ways and bad.

The pain and shame of that place, combined with burying that pain and numbing it with X, Y and Z helped to create an addict, one that became seriously addicted to food as part of a cycle that led me to my life’s rock bottom. Then, lump on other unhappinesses, disappointments, anger, the inability to express myself, job stress, relationship bullshit and more and, over the years, the pain and shame became sentient, a living breathing demon who still inhabits parts of my brain and soul.

When you train yourself to numb things it is very hard to not numb them anymore. Food tastes good. I love good Chinese food (notice I said GOOD Chinese food, like Chicago good not Jersey/Philly so-so), I love sweet rolls (good bakery sweet rolls like my mom and I used to get on Sundays to eat while reading the paper), I love ice-cold Coca-Colas which at one point were bottles of ice-cold Pepsi, I love mashed potatoes, fried things, chocolate things, buttery things, Italian Beefs, cheesesteaks, french fries…I love it all. But I was “using,” using all that and more to numb a pain and truth which I have only recently come to grapple with and understand. Once I did that I was truly able to see food and other things weren’t enjoyable, they were the heroin I injected into my veins to make the world and its reality go away for just a little while.

That is addiction. That is food addiction. When using what is normal, everyday, commonplace pleasurable and warping it into something that not only is bad but also feeds the demon(s) born from long days ago. That is how demons can withstand the test of time.

I am doing my absolute best to curtail these demons and live a healthier, happier life. In fact I’m gonna fight the food demon as soon as I am done posting today by working out in the gym (since it is quite rainy today in southern New Jersey). Fifty-one days is truly a blessing and one on which I intend to build a foundation of good for my life and those wonderful people in it. I won’t let them down because I won’t let myself down again. Not like that. Not ever.

Time may heal some things but it doesn’t heal others. That’s O.K., because it’s what we do with today that matters. We may not be able to change what happened before but we sure as hell can control what happens today, tomorrow and in all the tomorrows yet to come.And so far I have fifty-one of them. Of all the things I’ve collected in my lifetime, days of sobriety are what I want a treasure trove of in the future.

“Inception.” Have you guys seen that movie yet? It’s truly awesome. I can’t even describe how good it is because it is so layered, so precise in its writing, I’d be surprised if it didn’t win Best Original Screenplay at next year’s Oscars. Why do I bring up “Inception?” ‘Cause even if you haven’t seen the movie, chances are you’ve seen the previews for it. You know the ones I mean where the streets begin folding themselves inward like walls closing in on you. That shot alone, where the city street does that is worth the price of admission alone.

Having a sweet tooth can be the same type of experience and damn did I have a sweet tooth attack yesterday.

I swear to God it was all I could think about and all I could do to NOT give into the temptation of running to the store that is right around the corner, finding the cookie aisle, grabbing what my arm could carry and waltzing out of there with a stash that would make that freaking Keebler Elf go hide in his tree.

And don’t get me started on that part of my brain that wants the delicious sweetness that is Häagen-Dazs strawberry ice-cream. Dammit! I have wanted a pint so bad I almost drove to Wawa at 3:00 a.m. to get one. And who in the hell thinks that anyone can eat anything less than the whole pint?! To me, that is the serving size. That ice-cream is so, well, creamy and good.

Oh, did I mention how much the Coca-Cola cases have been calling my name? It’s like the Sirens luring sailors with their song. Ever since that food binge of a week-and-a-half ago I have steered clear of Coke actually (I had to give it time to drain from my veins), drinking nature’s soft drink, water, instead. I can honestly tell you this is one battle I am winning, though, easier than my ever-growing sweet tooth, too.

Ugh! What do bad things have to surround us all the time?! You go into a store and BAM, there they are! Chips, dips, cookies, candies and sodas. They get ya’ coming in and they get ya’ going out! Not to mention all the aisles in-between like a dream where you can’t get away from the killer. The walls keep shifting, the reality keeps changing. It’s like I’m being followed by the snacking industry and they are placing things around just when my tongue says “can I have one of those?” They make the impulse buy sections and snack food aisles close in just like those streets in “Inception.”

All this is why I like keeping a stash of my favorite sweet treat in the house – clementine oranges. I throw a stash of these in the fridge and I have a ready-made, natural and sweet way to keep the munchies away. I have spoken about the awesome power of the clementine before. They are a seedless, wonderful snack (especially when served chilled out of the fridge). They give you something to chew on, satisfying that craving, and fill you up for a while to get you from lunch to dinner. They are close but no substitution for chocolate, however.

Sigh. Today’s blog is going to be short my friends because I think I’m going right back under the covers until this latest attack of the munchies subsides. This is not the weakest I’ve ever been (thanks to my martial arts classes I am seeing results and don’t want those thwarted) but it’s close. I may not be as screwed up as Leonardo DiCaprio in that film (again worth every penny should you decide to see it) but like him, I need to control what is going on inside my head and straighten out those closed-in streets and avoid the snack aisles…

…and snap out of this dream within a dream (where I could have one, maybe two sweet rolls without gaining an ounce) and come back to the real world.

Sometimes it’s really hard to get over the hump.

Today is Wednesday (Hump Day) and I can’t tell you how hard it was to just get out of bed today. You know what those days feel like, where you almost have to trick yourself into thinking the rest of the world is better than the safe and warm cocoon of sheets, comforters, pillows and blankets. And even though I am up now (grrrrrr) and writing (fueled by a fairly decent cup of hot coffee), I still am shaking myself awake trying to jump-start my brain into joing the rest of me in the world of the awake and moving especially before my martial arts training this afternoon.

You all know I’ve been at a standstill with my weight lately. I seem to hover right around that 237 mark, which is O.K. but not as good as I want it to be. I so want to be back at 225. This is my hump and I am trying to get over it. I have been eating alright (grilled meats instead of fried, a Coke Zero instead of a full-on Coca-Cola) but just alright, meaning I am here at the hump, kind of like the yoga push-ups my sensei Doug Shaffer has be do. They are slightly different because of where you place your arms and chin, and they are hard as hell. However, when we do them in class I inch closer and closer to being able to do one without it being my fat man’s push-up – the kind where the belly sags and the back isn’t straight when you lift off the ground.

One of these days I’m gonna do a solid push-up. One of these days I’m gonna get over that hump. One of these days…

Now I am going to admit something. I admit that sometimes I do eat too much of a good/better thing, and too much of a good thing can be bad. I have been on something of an emotional eating kick lately, too. It’s also not easy to say this but I am still really freaking disappointed by not advancing in the Oprah thing. That would have been one hell of an opportunity and for reasons both karmic and Hollywood, I’m sure, they decided not to use me.  That hurt a lot and I am at a mental hump of  HOW to keep moving forward and to WHAT?! (grrrrr, and he takes another sip of hot yummy coffee). So I have been turning to comfort foods, well new and healthier ones, as a way to ease that bruised ego of mine. Believe me when I tell you I am mad at myself for doing that (both still being upset and for overeating) so one way I know over my hump is to stop doing that and will myself into knowing that I don’t need as much food (that the rest of the world is better than the safe harbor of food no matter how healthy it is). Another way is to beat the shit out of that bag when I hit the class these afternoons. I may go to martial arts class but I need to step it up a bit when I am not in class. Muscle definition is coming but it ain’t here yet. And even when it is I can’t rest. I have to keep going.

There are humps in our lives, and whether you take them as mountains to climb or stumbling blocks littering the smooth paths we walk, we have them. They are unavoidable, it’s just how we deal with them that’s the true test of our mettle. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s weight loss. In my case it is both. I want to keep succeeding in weight loss and maintenance and I know what I need to do to do that…to get over that hump and get back to my goal. I don’t know, however, to get over the hump of career choices and paths. I once thought I’d be doing well with that Oprah thing and now – poof. I just need to breathe and keep on keeping on, I guess.

Hump day means so many things for so many different people. For some it is literally what it was intended to describe – the point in the week where what we earn monetarily is now for us and not for taxes. For others, it’s the figurative working for ourselves and the process of getting to our goals. But no matter how you slice it time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future. Our hairs get greyer, our joints get creakier (and believe me, when I heard my hip pop last week it was freaky). But no matter what, we have to get over these humps. We should get over these humps.We can get over these humps.

No matter the hump, the battle to overcome it begins with the mind. As for me, it’s about getting my mind around the whats and hows and whens. Once I do that I’m good…

…with the help of a nice hot crunchy cup of coffee, that is.

Happy Monday, everyone. Did you all have a good weekend? I have to say my weekend was good, and yes, I resisted food temptations and did exercise (even though the temps have consistently been in the 90s and continue to be so). I even resisted the awesomely wonderful smell of movie popcorn and had a Coke Zero (COKE ZERO – BAH!). I wanted a regular Coca-Cola so bad but I resisted, trying so hard to be good. It seems the food binge of a week ago cured me, at least temporarily, of eating like that again.

I woke up kind of late this morning (something that’s getting to be an annoying habit) and realized I have a speaking engagement to do this evening. I always feel pretty natural in front of crowds or on TV but I always feel the excitement, anxiousness and anticipation of speaking in front of a group, especially when weight loss is the subject.

Losing weight is truly one of the most personal things I have ever done and sometimes it hurts to remember and talk about things associated with my weight gain because a lot of it has to do with my mom and how we lived. I think back to when I was a fat kid and how all we had in the house was crap to eat. The guilt comes when I think about stuff like that because my mom, JoAnn, always did her absolute best to keep a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. For that I will always love you, Mama, and thank you. It wasn’t the best food but it was food, however it is part of what made me a fat kid.

It is especially alarming when you see how my personal story matches up with data just released in June in the report “F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2010.” Adult obesity rates increased in 28 states in the past year, and declined only in the District of Columbia (D.C.), according to the report from the Trust for America’s Health (TFAH) and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF). More than two-thirds of states (38) have adult obesity rates above 25 percent. In 1991, no state had an obesity rate above 20 percent.

That’s a helluva way to wake up on a Monday morning.

The report also highlights troubling racial, ethnic, regional and income disparities in the nation’s obesity epidemic. For instance, adult obesity rates for Blacks and Latinos were higher than for Whites in at least 40 states and the District of Columbia; 10 out of the 11 states with the highest rates of obesity were in the South — with Mississippi weighing in with highest rates for all adults (33.8 percent) for the sixth year in a row; and 35.3 percent of adults earning less than $15,000 per year were obese compared with 24.5 percent of adults earning $50,000 or more per year.

To put this into personal terms, and from what I remember from my mom’s paycheck, she earned an estimated $19,200 a year. Wow. That’s the first time I did that math in my head and figured out how up-against-it we were in terms of income, bills and health. Of course being lower income we were heavier. All the foods we could afford were bad-for-you foods but foods we could get to carry us from one week to the next.

It was what we had, but it helped make me fat. That is part of the vicious circle. That is part of my guilt in talking about it. But I have never hidden from it and have always been honest with you about things like that. How can I when nearly one-third of children and teens are obese or overweight. I am trying my best to help in any way I can and say we have to do better.

I am lucky, I know that. I am lucky because I bottomed out and realized I had to do something. I am lucky because I had support doing it. I am lucky because I now know my triggers and can stop myself if needs be. Not everyone has that. Some people have others, even loved ones or family members, trying to sabotage them. And some people unfortunately just don’t have safe places to play or workout and can’t afford healthier food.

Tonight when I speak to this group I’m going to do what I always do…tell my story and hope it helps inspire people to lose weight or others in their lives to lose weight. I wish, though, I could send money via Western Union to me and my mom way back then. Like instead of sending it anywhere in the world I would send it anywhen so I could help us out. I always wanted to help my mom, she worked so hard. I guess the only thing I can do now is honor her by staying as healthy as I can.

It’s not easy at all resisting the smell of warm, buttered popcorn popping in a theater lobby before a movie. Hell, it’s part of the movie going experience. But when you consider how many calories are in that popcorn, and how many people (including yours truly) are overweight and eating that stuff, choices at the concession stands are made simpler.

I want to be around for a good long time, no matter how jarring waking up on Mondays can be.