Determined To Succeed

Day fifty-two.

Ugh. I have a cold and I feel like crap today. It started with the always-suspicious scratchy, drippy throat yesterday. As soon as I felt it start I knew I was in for it, but I fought the brave fight. Even at my meeting last night I nursed a 32-ounce (!) hot tea from McDonald’s (one of the only things I will but from them AND it was on the way) complete with honey. I tried but, alas, the common cold won and today my throat is swollen and hurts like a mutha’, I have a slight fever and I am run down. As I said before…ugh!

I know I need to conserve strength today and rest. The problem inherent with that (and feeling like crap) is that you don’t feel like working out AND you need your strength to fight the bug so you have to eat. I don’t know about you but even looking at food sometimes adds inches to my thighs and belly, let alone actually having it. Double ugh! But I know that’s what I need and I will do it so I can get better faster (damned air-conditioning inside/humid-hot weather outside).

Despite feeling crappy, last night’s meeting was awesome. So many of us were sharing stories about ourselves and how we turned to food as comfort to help deal with shame, pain and events in our lives we all wanted to push down and forget. It was amazing learning that much more about the guys in the group, and oh how it helps knowing I’m not the only one who used/uses food to do that. Wow. So cool (yet so sad), indeed.

Food is always a temptation, isn’t it? No matter where you live you can always find some semblance of your “comfort foods” from childhood, your favorite ice-cream at the store, egg rolls, sandwich, loaded french fries, etc. Man, I wish I could go back in time and invest in then up-and-coming companies like Coke, Hostess and the like. This way, as I got to 400 pounds I’d me helping to make myself rich in the process (just a little fat humor there). I also wish I knew why food almost always is used to dull pain. I know the scientific reasons – that it triggers the release of dopamine (sp) and seratonin (sp) in the brain (pleasure chemicals) that make us feel euphoric. But I am talking about the actual WHY we search for pleasure in food.

Maybe it is because it is a constant. Maybe we always turn to food because it is always there, no matter where we live in the world. While so many of us feel fears of abandonment in life we know food won’t do that. It IS always there, readily available and standing by. (Shaking head) I see now how it works. See, this is how my brain functions when it’s got a fever and I’m feeling crappy. I just start thinking about the great mysteries of life and how to solve them. That’s why when we (O.K., I) move to a new area we both seek out and are bombarded with ads for easy foods like pizza. It is recognizable and, despite its many variations, pizza, after all, is pizza.

My friends, you’re gonna have to forgive me today for the blog being short and incoherent but, after a hard day of waking up with a cold, I need to go back to resting. But I will be going back to thinking about the why’s I ate/eat the way I did/do. Sure we need food but we don’t NEED food as much as we think we do. Sometimes just knowing we are not alone and can talk to people is more than enough to satisfy our real craving – for human company and understanding.

Day twenty-five.

I am sitting here honestly not knowing what to write today. The past few days have been such a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts and events that I just don’t have the quiet necessary to write something cohesive. Please forgive me for that. I know there are people out there who read me everyday (and thank you so much for that), but sometimes it’s hard to get the brain firing on all cylinders. I will do my best, though, and write several mini blog posts in this bigger blog post.

A mini-blog about weight:

I am down to 234.4 today, so down another half-pound or so and back into the battle of the final ten. This is after a period where I binged a bit too much and gained back about eight pounds or so. Addictions do that to you, ya know. They take your strength, time, money, sanity and even your soul. And for what? Distractions that are fleeting at best? Then you literally feed them with comfort foods that leave you with nothing but pounds.  Well, thanks to amazing support and some good therapy I am getting a handle on both and am controlling my eating again. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! By year’s end, maybe sooner, I will see that 225 on my scale again. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about time:

Labor Day Weekend is upon us and I’m sitting here lamenting how much time I’ve pissed away in my life. We always say things like “I can’t believe it’s already ________,” and insert your choice of holiday, day or date here, but this time I cannot blame work or a hectic life on my loss of time. I am the only one responsible for wasting so much time in my life to my addictions, and now the year is three-quarters over and I have little to show for it. I wanted to be rich and well-into writing a book by now. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wanted to be planning weight loss speaking engagements. Strike two. I should have been doing so much more than I have actually done but gave in to the addict in me. Sigh. Well, I am going to be making the utmost of the remaining three months of this year. I have a lot of time to make up for and I will be. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about food:

This morning was a true test of my Bill Power. I had such a taste for a breakfast burrito from McDonald’s. I don’t know why that is but I did. Maybe I just needed protein to replenish myself, or maybe the thought of something hot and eggy/cheesy sounded good. But I held back and decided instead to just get my reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Man, since that binge of not-so-long ago I have really tried to ask myself “do I really need/want ______,” and fill in the blank with your comfort food of choice, with the answer almost always being “no, I don’t.” So I’ve passed up cravings for strawberry ice-cream, McDonald’s and even that delicious peach shake from Chick-Fil-A in favor of healthier drinks and meals. And lo and behold it’s working again. Gee, go figure…

A final mini-blog about the Labor Day holiday weekend:

Usually I take Saturdays and Sundays off to give my wee brain a rest from writing (and to give you a rest from my rantings about, well, stuff). But this weekend I am going to be taking advantage of the holiday and taking tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday off. It will be good to get out and take in some of the summer air (even though a hurricane is supposed to be hitting the Jersey coast sometime tomorrow), and things I have all but ignored over the summer so far. What will I do? I have no idea but that is a beautiful thing. All I know is I will be appreciating life, communing with my mom’s spirit a bit and being present. These days that’s all that matters.

And there you have it, a scatter-brained, roller coaster blog to start the holiday weekend off right (I guess). In going to therapy and going to twelve-step meetings I have done my absolute best to adhere to the steps themselves. They say in meetings to work the steps because they work if you work them, and I am doing that. I am trying so that a healing time can happen. I know I have done wrong in my life but it is time to heal and continue making myself a better man. That means taking care of myself, setting boundaries, keeping tabs on my weight, not wasting anymore time, thinking about comfort foods and being present to enjoy long, lazy weekends. I hope you guys can all do the same. Life is truly a precious gift and is way too short to waste it on the negative. Be well, my friends, and avoid eating too much comfort food like hot dogs and burgers (especially if you do get down). You’ll feel better soon. You’ll see. We will all get there soon.

Sometimes it’s really hard to get over the hump.

Today is Wednesday (Hump Day) and I can’t tell you how hard it was to just get out of bed today. You know what those days feel like, where you almost have to trick yourself into thinking the rest of the world is better than the safe and warm cocoon of sheets, comforters, pillows and blankets. And even though I am up now (grrrrrr) and writing (fueled by a fairly decent cup of hot coffee), I still am shaking myself awake trying to jump-start my brain into joing the rest of me in the world of the awake and moving especially before my martial arts training this afternoon.

You all know I’ve been at a standstill with my weight lately. I seem to hover right around that 237 mark, which is O.K. but not as good as I want it to be. I so want to be back at 225. This is my hump and I am trying to get over it. I have been eating alright (grilled meats instead of fried, a Coke Zero instead of a full-on Coca-Cola) but just alright, meaning I am here at the hump, kind of like the yoga push-ups my sensei Doug Shaffer has be do. They are slightly different because of where you place your arms and chin, and they are hard as hell. However, when we do them in class I inch closer and closer to being able to do one without it being my fat man’s push-up – the kind where the belly sags and the back isn’t straight when you lift off the ground.

One of these days I’m gonna do a solid push-up. One of these days I’m gonna get over that hump. One of these days…

Now I am going to admit something. I admit that sometimes I do eat too much of a good/better thing, and too much of a good thing can be bad. I have been on something of an emotional eating kick lately, too. It’s also not easy to say this but I am still really freaking disappointed by not advancing in the Oprah thing. That would have been one hell of an opportunity and for reasons both karmic and Hollywood, I’m sure, they decided not to use me.  That hurt a lot and I am at a mental hump of  HOW to keep moving forward and to WHAT?! (grrrrr, and he takes another sip of hot yummy coffee). So I have been turning to comfort foods, well new and healthier ones, as a way to ease that bruised ego of mine. Believe me when I tell you I am mad at myself for doing that (both still being upset and for overeating) so one way I know over my hump is to stop doing that and will myself into knowing that I don’t need as much food (that the rest of the world is better than the safe harbor of food no matter how healthy it is). Another way is to beat the shit out of that bag when I hit the class these afternoons. I may go to martial arts class but I need to step it up a bit when I am not in class. Muscle definition is coming but it ain’t here yet. And even when it is I can’t rest. I have to keep going.

There are humps in our lives, and whether you take them as mountains to climb or stumbling blocks littering the smooth paths we walk, we have them. They are unavoidable, it’s just how we deal with them that’s the true test of our mettle. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s weight loss. In my case it is both. I want to keep succeeding in weight loss and maintenance and I know what I need to do to do that…to get over that hump and get back to my goal. I don’t know, however, to get over the hump of career choices and paths. I once thought I’d be doing well with that Oprah thing and now – poof. I just need to breathe and keep on keeping on, I guess.

Hump day means so many things for so many different people. For some it is literally what it was intended to describe – the point in the week where what we earn monetarily is now for us and not for taxes. For others, it’s the figurative working for ourselves and the process of getting to our goals. But no matter how you slice it time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future. Our hairs get greyer, our joints get creakier (and believe me, when I heard my hip pop last week it was freaky). But no matter what, we have to get over these humps. We should get over these humps.We can get over these humps.

No matter the hump, the battle to overcome it begins with the mind. As for me, it’s about getting my mind around the whats and hows and whens. Once I do that I’m good…

…with the help of a nice hot crunchy cup of coffee, that is.

Hey there.

Even though the weather people are calling for possible showers later on this afternoon or this evening it is bright and sunny this morning, and I am sitting at my computer doing my best to be just as sunny.

You may be wondering why I was so bummed out in my weekend blog post. Well, I’ll tell you why. I was not selected as one of the online finalists in Oprah’s “Win Your OWN Show” contest. There were a total of 9,504 videos posted to her website and more than 143 million votes tallied. I thought I did a decent job at showing off my “skeelz” as a host and stuff in my video but, alas, I guess eight others impressed voters more and on Friday eight people were announced as finalists and yours truly wasn’t among them.

When I received that e-blast that said “Meet Your OWN Show Online Winners” my heart skipped a beat. I was like “Um, O.K. Is this how they are reaching out to us all?” So I nervously clicked on the link in the e-blast and BAM, there they were. Eight lucky people. Eight OTHER people. I felt like the kid not chosen to be on either team in a game of baseball, and while I was trying to always remain cautiously optimistic I am by nature an optimist so I kept hoping I would see my face among the winners. I would get an e-mail. I would get a call.

I can’t speak for anyone else but when my adrenaline/excitement builds it stores up like ammo stored up for a fight. And when I received the news I was such a range of emotions – sad, disappointed, afraid, curious, mad, dumbfounded – that all I could think about was unloading that stockpile of energy ammo on the one thing I knew would make me feel better – food. In my blog on Saturday I wished I knew the “why” of emotional eating. I think I finally figured out how to answer that question. You don’t have a way to channel the energies that build up inside you from those emotions so you turn to something you’re familiar with, food, to burn it all off.

Speaking of burning it all off I kicked the shit out of the punching bag on Saturday at my rescheduled martial arts class. Since starting my class I figured out which side is my weaker side for kicking and hitting, then used the other, stronger side to beat, punch and otherwise torture the heavy bag working off much of that stored up energy and disappointment from Friday’s news.

After my class I started to feel better and I started looking at things in a slightly different way. If I hadn’t entered that contest I never would have put together an audition reel, and it is that reel I am going to send to different people and agents and stuff to see who else might be interested. Just because this one door closed doesn’t mean there aren’t a hundred more wide open waiting for me to step through. I know that in my head, but it’s the heart you usually have to convince about these things hence the bag of Oreo Cookies, Coca-Colas and other things we will not mention this morning.

There is so much else going on in the world and I know I sound trite and petty and selfish (and definitely whiny) about all of this, but I wanted it. I wanted it and felt I was ready for it. I had experience, energy and enough chutzpah to do it. I am 39 and thought I was the perfect age for it all. I thought the stars aligned for it. I felt it was the ultimate “why” I was “vocationally liberated” from my old job at the zoo. But it was not in the cards and my skies turned a bit cloudy over the weekend from it all. My demons came for me, the demons of self-questioning, self-doubt and, of course, overeating.

But with time comes perspective. With time comes wisdom. With time comes the ability to finally make the mind outweigh the heart and KNOW (and hope) that other things are on the horizon, even if that horizon is now just a little further away than expected. And with things like the tragedy on the Delaware River that unfolded last week here in the Philly area I am just thankful to be alive, healthy and able to keep striving for my dreams as there are two people whose own life journey ended with a stupid tourist boat ride. Seeing their faces on the news (and how absolutely innocent and young they both looked) does help put things into a larger perspective.

But the selfish part of me still feels the personal sting of finding out I was not chosen for something for which I felt I was a perfect fit. Just like a shirt, pair of pants or sweater on the sale rack in a store. When you see the thing you want but it has a stain, a pull, tear or rip or is simply not the right size you move on. Reluctantly, but you move on hoping and praying something cooler, better and bigger comes along that kicks that thing’s ass.

Well, this is me hoping for that. As the grayer clouds begin to roll in, this is me yelling to the universe I do hope something cooler, better and bigger comes along…

…and this is me getting it all out so I can leave it all behind tomorrow. Leave behind the urge to throw a big pity party catered with all my fave comfort foods. Leave behind the disappointment and start the week off right and see it for what it is. A new start at a new part of the horizon, even though that horizon is, like a said, just a bit further now than I wanted it to be Friday.

But would I do it again to jump at that kind of chance – to live out a dream and be a part of something connected to the biggest media person in the whole world? You bet your ass I would.

In a heartbeat.

Monday is here and the new week begins. I am sitting at my computer today feeling far less stressed than I have been lately. The Oprah audition is over and my “schedule” is somewhat back to normal which means I can truly get back to eating better, exercising and losing these damned last ten pounds.

My mind is still a bit scattered, though. So please forgive me if I sound weird. It’s almost like I am a kid who’s been tasked with putting away his toys and cleaning his room. So, in the mental room that is my mind, I am putting my marbles back in order so I can focus on a brand new week with a cleaner space. Damn, I didn’t realize how scattered I was until things calmed down a bit and believe me, my mental room was a mess.

I am finally back to fighting the “battle of the final ten.” Or maybe struggling to lose it is a better way to put it. And it is a struggle. You know yesterday I was still so wasted from Saturday that I hardly did anything except eat, rest and sleep. I so needed to replenish and I was ravenously hungry so I had lots of protein (steak and eggs) and broke down to have an ice-cold Coca-Cola. Yum. Not the best meal to have when trying to lose and/or maintain weight (especially when potatoes and toast are involved)  but it’s what my body craved.

The anniversary of my mom, JoAnn’s, passing is just a couple of days away and it is on my mind now more than ever in more ways than one. It was almost a year ago (A YEAR AGO!) that I lost the most important person in my entire life. I watched her be taken by that wretched thief, pancreatic cancer, in just 18 short (but mercifully short) days. It was almost a year ago I had to say good-bye. It is so hard to believe how fast time flies for things that seem so recent but time keeps on moving forward and moving us with it. It was also almost a year ago I re-gained twenty pounds.

Please believe I am not beating myself up for that. I swear I am not. Losing a parent or loved one would make anyone, especially someone just sitting there unable to do anything, pass the time by eating comfort foods. But I know I’ve needed to get back on track harder than I have been because I have been talking about this for a year now and I swore I would not let her cancer beat us twice. Granted there have been other challenges as well – being “vocationally liberated” from my position at the zoo because of restructuring, my own money issues, etc. – but time has passed yet I am still ten pounds heavier. That is the thing that makes me say “grrrrrr” sometimes.

Like I said, losing weight is a struggle. Sometimes its a physical one, like when you go to the gym and work out but don’t seem to be losing anything. Mostly, though, it’s a mental one (at least for me it is), like having to talk myself out of going to the White Castle the other night and getting several cheeseburgers and fries, or motivating myself to get up and workout. Hell, even bypassing the Coke cooler in a store. But this struggle can be overcome. It can, and I know my weight now is proof of that. I may still have ten pounds to re-lose but I am still 165 pounds less than what I weighed in 2005. That is all the motivation I need to energize in the morning to clean my mental room.

And you know something? With just two days to go the only thing I am craving is the sound of my mom’s voice, not ice-cream, cheeseburgers, Chinese food or candy bars. I know she will always be with me and I can’t change what happened but you better damn-well know I am working now, harder than ever, to get these last ten off me. And with that, my friends, it’s time to start the day and clean my room. Have a great day and a wonderful week…

…and know my room is starting to look pretty darn good if I do say so myself.

You ever have one of those days where the wind is taken out of your sails? Yesterday was like that for me. I am doing my best to keep this weight off and I gain some back. I send out a small business contest entry only to find out I was not selected as a finalist. I sent out a press pitch that was (very nicely) denied. I have to spend a little more money than I planned this coming week – money I don’t really have. Not end-of-my-world type stuff but stuff that, nonetheless, deflated me a bit.

As I am an emotional eater this is a HUGE trigger for me. It is exactly times like this that make me want something sweet, something comforting and something really bad for me. What kind of stuff do you ask? Well….take your pick. Hostess cupcakes come to mind. Chinese food. You know, my usual stand-by comfort foods. And they lurk nearby, predators waiting to pounce on a weak and wounded animal.

In fighting this “battle of the final ten,” the last ten pounds I need to re-lose to get back to my goal weight, I admit I get tired. I have been struggling to re-lose this weight for so long I can both taste victory and see it just far enough away to make me wonder I will ever get there. Another wind taken from my sails. And when I have days like yesterday, combined with it being all icky, grey and rainy outside, I really want to go off the wagon and fill my belly with yummy-tasting food stuffs to ease that deflated feeling inside.

So I got myself together and went to the store. As I entered and the electric doors parted for me I remembered something. I remembered a few things actually:

1)      I remembered that, while it is harder to lose weight and make good choices, I am so worth those good choices and effort.

2)      I will not re-reach my goal the more I give in to my triggered comfort foods.

3)      The more I select foods that are good for me I can maintain not only portion control but a healthier diet as well.

4)      Weaning myself from foods that are bad, especially sweets, I curtail that snacky “need” and “taste” I feel at night.

So yesterday, instead of giving into the easy and quick I chose vegetables, fruits and chicken instead of the delicious-looking Hostess cakes, Tastycakes, candy bars and chips so readily nearby. I chose to buy that chicken and veggies to make meals for not just lunch and dinner yesterday, but also lunch and dinner today, too. And I maintained my resolve yea though I walked through the valley of the shadow of snacks for a feared no evil, for it was my choice, as it is always, what I put into my body. And it should be, and was, good.

A very wise person once told me to stop eating crap, stop eating out and that cooking at home is a far better, cheaper and healthier alternative. And you know something, they are exactly right. It is better. And when the wonderful smells and delicious aromas of cooking foods fill the kitchen you know you have done right not only by your pocket book but by yourself, too.

And that is exactly the kind of success we all need to put the wind back in those sails to keep on sailing.

Damn. I hate waking up late. That sudden rush of adrenaline and fear when you realize you’re hours past when you wanted to wake up and not where you wanted or expected to be. Kind of like Michael J. Fox at the beginning of “Back to the Future.”

This morning started out OK. I gently rose with both of my alarm clocks (the sun and the radio) and noticed it was only half-past-six. So what did I do? Rolled over, of course, and decided in my sleepy haze that twenty more minutes would be great (I will always want my twenty more minutes). Well, little did I realize that that twenty more minutes would turn into almost three freaking hours. Yikes!!!!!

So I did what any normal Joe would do – I immediately hopped out of bed, terrified that so much time had gone. I looked back at the clock and confirmed that I wasn’t seeing an 8 but a 9 (grrrrr), got dressed and went immediately to work. But those of you who know me know I hate being late. Even though I work from home and do this blog I hate being late. Being late sets the tone for the day, and makes me feel like I am constantly behind the 8-ball.

Now in an instance like this in my former life (driving to work) I would be grabbing myself something quick and fast on the way. No doubt my extra crunchy (sugary) coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and a breakfast sandwich of some type. But now that I work from home it’s safe and dangerous all at the same time. I could easily reach for my darling clementines – those delicious, small seedless wonders – or make something completely bad, a comfort food that will calm me down. Something that involves sausage, or bacon (bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon) or syrupy. But I remind myself that I can’t, especially with my weight creeping back up. In the end that’s what calms me down, that wonderful voice inside my head, body and heart saying “don’t eat crap.”

So I take a deep breath and focus. I hate starting my day stressed and certainly do not want to start my day stress eating. It is such a danger for me. I am an emotional eater, and stress is one of those emotions that can make you eat without realizing it. In those situations I eat something just to occupy my body in some way without thinking twice to the calories I am consuming. I hate that. When I am sad I turn to my comfort foods. While I know what I am eating in those situations I tend to eat lots more than I should because I try to take away that sadness and replace it with warm, good feelings that I think food will provide. But it only works for a while, and the only thing I feel is being full. And after, all I’m left with is an extra pound or two.

Today, though, I had my clementines and am about to make a cup of very crunchy coffee (coffee with extra extra sugar) and start my day of writing. I had had it all worked out, what I was going to write about today (which was a follow-up to my tough love blog helping people who seemingly need help), but I will save that for tomorrow. In a way I’m glad I woke up late, sort of like a test you pass unexpectedly.

That’s how I know this will be a successful week. That’s how I know I will continue to lose this weight and keep it off.  That’s how I know I actually learned something on my weight loss journey.