Determined To Succeed

Day thirty.

Do any of you gamble? It doesn’t matter really if you do or not. I guess what I am asking is if you guys are familiar with the ways people gamble in places like Atlantic City or Las Vegas. They use chips at all the table games instead of actual money in part so you feel like you are playing with “fake” cash. You may remember you are dealing with your own hard-earned cash but at least the various chips are pretty and shiny and fun to look at.

My favorite table game is Craps, a game where the shooter stands in position and rolls two dice down a long oval table while she/he and others place chips on the table betting on what number will come up when the roll is completed. I love Craps because, when a great shooter is up, you can win a great deal of money. The energy is high and everyone is excited and feeling good – as long as I remember to take it easy and place conservative and somewhat conservative bets on the table. It’s when I go and think “I’ll be O.K.” that I over bet and lose. That’s, invariably, when even the best shooters “seven out,” rolling a seven which means that round is over and EVERYONE loses EVERYTHING on the table.

There are other games of chance of course that also employ chips – various versions of poker, Roulette, Blackjack and more all use chips and you sure as hell want to have a lot of chips in the game. The more you have the longer you can stay, have fun and play. Also, the more you have the more you’re not going broke from losing your fun, pretty “play” money because it’s never fun (or very smart) to gamble using just one or a few chips.

They even mention playing chips in the movies. There’s a quote from “Clear and Present Danger,” the Harrison Ford flick based on the Tom Clancy novel. In the movie (I don’t know if this scene is in the book as I’ve never read Clancy) Ford as hero Jack Ryan is confronting the President with information he has about an operation that was illegal. Ford’s character knows that this is huge and could, in effect, bring down many people in government including the President, who turns to Ford/Ryan and says “you won’t do that. You have a chip in the big game now and when you need something I’m going to be the one to cash it in for you.” Ford then tells the President off, walks out of the room and testifies in front of Congress anyway, and you can imagine him mentally holding onto that “one chip” in his head, and you know he ain’t going to bet with just one chip.

I guess you all are wondering why I am talking about chips today. Well, I’ll tell you. Today is my thirtieth day of sobriety. I had always seen in the movies that people in Al-Anon get a chip to mark their month-iversary of sobriety. One single chip. In doing a bit of looking before writing I see that many different A.A. groups and many different companies distribute and make, respectively, different chips – chips marking everything from 24-hours of sobriety to years of sobriety. But no matter how many hours, days, weeks, months or years you are sober the idea is you carry this chip/these chips with you to remind you to stay sober.

In the movies the person who receives or has the chip will always be faced with the dillema of whether or not to take a drink, thereby negating the sobriety already achieved. They will be tempted to act out on their bottom line behaviors when faced with X, Y or Z. Most recently I saw it in an episode of last season’s “Flash Forward,” a show in which two of its main characters are recovering alcoholics – both of whom take a drink and give in to their demons.

But if I have learned anything from the movies and table games in Vegas it’s that you never, ever gamble when the stakes are that high and you have only one chip to your name. In many cases it may be all the currency you have in the world and you have to hold onto it with both hands because it’s all you’ve got to get you home.

And being just thirty days sober means I have but one, precious chip.

Is it fun to gamble from time to time? Sure it is but I ain’t ever gonna gamble with this most precious chip. It’s what I’ve got. It’s all I’ve got. And as I stand on day thirty of this sobriety I am feeling better now, more honest and free, than I ever have and I’ll be damned if I am going to gamble that away the way I’ve gambled before. Yesterday, I met a friend of mine for coffee and she has lost a lot of weight and I bet she wouldn’t bet that chip for the world since that weight loss and happiness was hard-fought-for and a long time in coming.

I may not get an actual chip today but I don’t need one. I won’t need one and I will never need one because I do not need a wooden coin to remind myself how lucky I truly am in this world. I’m going to take today and just breathe and think about what my life was like thirty-one days and more ago. Those thoughts of that old me will be all the reminder I ever need, and all the strength I need, to not gamble with my one, precious chip no matter what happens for the rest of my life.

I am a bit grumpy this morning. I am grumpy this morning because I am sick and tired of food – ALL FOOD – having stupid calories, and because genies in lamps don’t really exist.

I know this sounds completely insane but I always wonder in my heart and soul why everything we want to eat has to be “worked off” and “no good for us.” Why is it that Chinese food (yes, my dinner of choice last night) has to have not just calories but so much salt that it causes me to creep to another three more ounces this morning (hence part of my grumpyness).  I know it was “no good for me” and that I will “work it off,” but still. Can’t a guy have his beef chop suey after a workout and NOT have to still gain back ounces? Grrrrrrr.

And why can’t genies exist? These are so the times I wish I could find a genie in a lamp. I daydream about casually strolling the beach down in Atlantic City (after winning a few bucks at Craps, my favorite game) and stumbling across a beautiful, ornate golden lamp. I start brushing the sand off its surface when a cool-ass genie appears and says to me, “Dude. Wow. Thanks for finding me! You know how long I’ve been cooped up in coach in that thing? Where’s the baggage claim anyway? Oh, never mind. Since you found me and I have finally landed I will offer you three wishes as gratitude. The only condition is that you chuck me and the lamp back in the ocean when you’re done so that others may share your good fortune. And PS, show me where the Craps tables are, man. I’ve been itchin’ for some games of chance since that bazaar in Morocco 400 years ago.”

If only I could really have those three wishes. Besides the obvious one featuring lots of  money and one I would keep in my back pocket for another day, I think I would wish for me to never gain weight ever again from any food stuff ever in the history of the entire universe. That would include never gaining weight from any of the following yummy, delicious “no good for us” foods you have to “work off:”

• Cinnabon cinnamon rolls
• The afore-mentioned Chinese food (damn it all to hell – stupid ounces – grrrrrr)
• Hostess Cupcakes (don’t worry, I didn’t have any last night. Just thought about them, that’s all)
• Italian Beef  sandwiches
• Chicago-style hot dogs
• Cheesestea)k hoagies
• Alcohol (not that I am a beer drinker. I’m talking about my martinis and frosty, fruity island drinks you get with little umbrellas and s&^t)
• French fries (especially the big beefsteak or potato wedge kind)
• Strawberry ice-cream (again, don’t worry I didn’t have any last night
• Banana cream pie
• Chocolate cake and/or cupcakes (mmmmm, cupcakes – said like Homer Simpson drooling out the side of his mouth)
• Indian food (especially chicken tikka masala)
• Stuffed pizza (or any pizza for that matter)
• Buffalo wings
• Mashed potatoes (come to think of it the entirety of Thanksgiving dinner – including any and all leftovers)
• A plate of Southern food (fried chicken, a mess of greens and some kind of starch like grits)

Ok, Ok. I’ll stop now but you get my grumpy point this morning. Each one of us has foods we love but that are extremely bad for us. Just yesterday I was talking with people who felt bad for having a small box of Cheez-Its or a couple of cookies. But why should they feel bad? We like these foods, they just don’t like us back. Yeah, I would so use a wish and change all that.

Well, maybe I would. There is that world peace thing to consider, and all. It just “grinds my gears” – no wait, I used that slogan for a blog already. It just makes me grumpy we always have to pay the stupid “a moment on the lips, an eternity on the hips” price for the foods we enjoy most. And on grey, cloudy and rainy days like this perfectly suited for comfort foods and movies I don’t want to worry about the calories they leave behind.

Well, that’s OK. We can’t appreciate the destination without fully respecting the journey…

…every yummy, calorie-rich, has to be “worked off,” “no good for you” step of it.