Determined To Succeed

Damn. I hate waking up late. That sudden rush of adrenaline and fear when you realize you’re hours past when you wanted to wake up and not where you wanted or expected to be. Kind of like Michael J. Fox at the beginning of “Back to the Future.”

This morning started out OK. I gently rose with both of my alarm clocks (the sun and the radio) and noticed it was only half-past-six. So what did I do? Rolled over, of course, and decided in my sleepy haze that twenty more minutes would be great (I will always want my twenty more minutes). Well, little did I realize that that twenty more minutes would turn into almost three freaking hours. Yikes!!!!!

So I did what any normal Joe would do – I immediately hopped out of bed, terrified that so much time had gone. I looked back at the clock and confirmed that I wasn’t seeing an 8 but a 9 (grrrrr), got dressed and went immediately to work. But those of you who know me know I hate being late. Even though I work from home and do this blog I hate being late. Being late sets the tone for the day, and makes me feel like I am constantly behind the 8-ball.

Now in an instance like this in my former life (driving to work) I would be grabbing myself something quick and fast on the way. No doubt my extra crunchy (sugary) coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and a breakfast sandwich of some type. But now that I work from home it’s safe and dangerous all at the same time. I could easily reach for my darling clementines – those delicious, small seedless wonders – or make something completely bad, a comfort food that will calm me down. Something that involves sausage, or bacon (bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon) or syrupy. But I remind myself that I can’t, especially with my weight creeping back up. In the end that’s what calms me down, that wonderful voice inside my head, body and heart saying “don’t eat crap.”

So I take a deep breath and focus. I hate starting my day stressed and certainly do not want to start my day stress eating. It is such a danger for me. I am an emotional eater, and stress is one of those emotions that can make you eat without realizing it. In those situations I eat something just to occupy my body in some way without thinking twice to the calories I am consuming. I hate that. When I am sad I turn to my comfort foods. While I know what I am eating in those situations I tend to eat lots more than I should because I try to take away that sadness and replace it with warm, good feelings that I think food will provide. But it only works for a while, and the only thing I feel is being full. And after, all I’m left with is an extra pound or two.

Today, though, I had my clementines and am about to make a cup of very crunchy coffee (coffee with extra extra sugar) and start my day of writing. I had had it all worked out, what I was going to write about today (which was a follow-up to my tough love blog helping people who seemingly need help), but I will save that for tomorrow. In a way I’m glad I woke up late, sort of like a test you pass unexpectedly.

That’s how I know this will be a successful week. That’s how I know I will continue to lose this weight and keep it off.  That’s how I know I actually learned something on my weight loss journey.

It always feels good to know there are others out there like you. It could be that you’re a certain height. Or have weight issues. Or like Kermit the Frog green. It doesn’t matter. We all want to feel connected and we all hate the feeling of being alone. Which is part of why yesterday’s 6ABC webchat about weight loss was so cool. It allowed three of us to tell the world-at-large “you are not alone.”

Here’s a short who’s-who of the other wonderful people I met yesterday. Tim, a businessman who flies often, used to top 500 pounds. Asa was 200 pounds. Asa and Tim (and yours truly) lost weight (Tim, over 250 pounds and Asa, 60) the time-tested way – by eating less and exercising more. (For more on our story you can watch the ABC Action News piece on the right side of this very page. Just click play)

As I sat yesterday answering questions and downed the sweet nectar that was my Dunkin’ Donuts coffee I knew I wanted to put fingers-to-keyboard and make today’s blog all about questions and answers. It’s also about not feeling so alone out there in the real world of weight loss challenges. Yesterday, I described the story I’d heard about a young man going through his own weight battles and challenges whose only 12-years-old.  His story touched my heart because I could totally relate to his personal experiences both in feeling fat but also suffering the barbs of other kids point that out on a constant basis.  But as we “fat kids” grow up some of us, like me, get worse and are always looking for answers and a sense of connection. Today (and every day) I hope to provide both.

It’s not often I get to take questions in real-time about weight loss. Usually I receive e-mails asking me the “hows,” whens,”and “whats” of weight loss but not in the fast and furious world of live TV or a live audience. Below are some of the questions we received yesterday and the answers we gave. I do hope they help.

What do I want? What Do I want?

How many times have we asked that very question to ourselves standing at the counter of our usual coffee shop or restaurant? That is the very question that usually starts my day when I am in line or going through the drive-thru getting my morning coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts.

Some people like Starbucks. Some like Seattle’s Best. In these parts (Southern New Jersey) some people choose Wawa (hey, don’t make fun of the name – Wawa kicks every other convenient store’s butt) my usual is a Dunkin’ Donuts medium hot coffee with extra cream and extra sugar (it’s bad I know but I like a little coffee with my sugar). But today was slightly different. I was feeling a bit hungry today. I wanted some breakfast-type thing, and the more people in front of me the more time I have to anticipate, test my taste buds and make a decision about what my coffee would be washing down.

So I started thinking about my usual Dunkin’ Donuts Egg & Cheese Wake Up Wrap. How tasty that simple (and not very calorie-filled) egg and cheese would be. But then the smells hit me and I became distracted by the smells of bacon, sausage and the oh-so tempting bagels passing by me. That got me all discombobulated and I had visions of a big ol’ sausage, egg and cheese sandwich on a croissant. “Ooh, that would be good,” I thought as I took one step/person closer to the counter.

Then, matters got worse. I then got a good look at all the freshly-made doughnuts behind the cashiers. There were jelly-filled, chocolate-covered and muffin delights by the dozen calling out like puppies or kittens saying “take me home, take me home.” Grrrrr. I love a good Boston Crème doughnut, too.

I got one person closer. It’s almost decision time. What will I have? The simple Egg & Cheese Wake Up Wrap didn’t seem enough just then but I knew I shouldn’t have the bulk, fat and calories of a full-on breakfast sandwich. What will I have? What will I have?

Then it’s my turn. I step up to the counter and greet the cashier who is now looking at me with that “hurry up and order, there’s a hundred people behind you” look in her eyes. It was then that I made my final decision.

“One medium hot coffee with extra cream and extra sugar please,” I said.

Knowing her inevitable response I sturdied myself – “Will there be anything else?”

My answer was simple but definite. “No, thank you.”

It took all my will power (or in my case Bill power) this morning to resist the temptations of those foods. While I know I will eat any and everything in moderation on my weight loss journey, today somehow felt different like if I had had that sausage-filled breakfast sandwich or bagel with extra cream cheese it would have led me down a slippery slope all weekend. And that was something I was definitely didn’t want to do.

So I took my coffee and thanked the cashier, who acknowledged my thanks in the same nod she gave the next patron asking for their order, and felt better. No, I felt lighter. For while the person in front of me and the person behind ordered a breakfast sandwich and bagel with cream cheese, respectively, I knew in my gut I had made a smarter food choice today.

So what did I end up having for breakfast? Fruit…

…and a nice cup of hot coffee with extra cream and extra sugar.

It’s a bit wet today in the Philadelphia area today. However I wake up today feeling much better than when I started the weekend and why? Because I am back down to 237.6 as of this morning. Woohoo! Take that, calories and fat!

So yesterday I didn’t do much of anything except meet a friend for coffee at Starbucks which meant I had to definitely watch my calorie intake (it just felt like a good day to be a slug). So I started the day with a flavored coffee from Starbucks and a reduced fat piece of cinnamon cake from Starbucks. believe it or not I actually prefer the coffee and food of Dunkin’ Donuts but I was in a hurry so I grabbed what I could. Sheesh, that turned out to be quite filling as I didn’t eat again until, like, three o’clock, when I got myself together and headed to Wendy’s (the little red-haired girl I always mention) and got some chili with cheese and onions – mmmmmm – and a Jr. Frosty (I just had a taste). Both were excellent. It wasn’t until after eight o’clock or so I actually had dinner – a delicious spaghetti and meat sauce Lean Cuisine (they really are the best brand).

While I did snack a bit over the weekend with the decadent little 100-calorie snack packs of Hostess Cupcakes and Twinkies I DID NOT have a single Coca-Cola yesterday. In fact, I seriously cut back on my amount of Coke this entire weekend which was great.

So I start this rainy, wet week trending downward again but feeling great. I promised I would let you guys know what I ate this weekend and I did. So thank you for letting me share. How did you all do? Sure it was a weird weekend for me in terms of what I ate and where, but I also knew I needed some better food choices, better portion control and more exercise. Knowledge a new way of life brings you when you maintain weight loss.

I also enjoyed the delicious calories when they came because I’m not going to be a miserable, grumpy bastard when it comes to food.

This week, I continue to eat light, exercise and continue this new downward trend. Just two pounds to get back to the “Battle of the Final Ten.” After that, the goal is again in sight…

…off in the distance and through the rain.

Well, since re-affirming to you guys I was going to be good I have sucked it up to become a “weekend warrior” of sorts. A “weekend food warrior,” that is. And I have to admit I was far better at eating (at least in my opinion) today than I was yesterday.

As promised here is a list of what I had to eat:

Breakfast: One medium Dunkin’ Donuts coffee with cream and sugar and an egg and cheese wake up wrap

Lunch: One Macaroni & Cheese Lean Cuisine

Dinner: Two slices of thin cheese and sausage pizza and a diet peach iced tea.

While I probably could have gotten away with only one slice of pizza (shame on me) I did far better than I did yesterday with my Chinese food and Coca-cola binge. Weight-wise I am the same as I was yesterday which is good. At least I didn’t go up.

Sometimes it’s so hard NOT eating everything in sight. Sometimes it’s hunger. Sometimes it’s shear boredom. Sometimes It’s stupidity. I just want to eat. But then my more rational mind takes over and I calm myself down to say “no, don’t have that. It’s OK not to have that.” And when I do I feel way better for it. I just want to be able to better control the voices that tell me to eat and turn them into voices that tell me not to and to go exercise instead.

And now it’s the weekend. I will have my usual medium coffee and wake up wrap and then see where the day takes me food wise. I swear I will not eat nearly as badly as I simply must bring my weight back down to continue fighting the “Battle of the Final Ten.” Even going to the movies I will be good ’cause there ain’t a concession candy in existence good enough to make me want to stare at the old me in the mirror ever again.

I am going to try to stick to salads and healthier portions of food this weekend. I have to. I haven’t come all this way to blow it now. I just have to tell myself “needing” to eat that much is all in my head.

And by the way I did get my fat butt to the gym yesterday and did my four miles on the elliptical, my abdominal crunches and my free weights. And I felt better for it.