Determined To Succeed

Day seventy-one.

Happy Monday, everybody. Did you have a great weekend? More to the point, did you make it through the weekend without eating too much and getting in some exercise? I hope so, especially since it was a heavy sports weekend (if you’re into that). Regular-season football, MLB playoff baseball…it can take its toll colorically and physically (I can also be quite the couch potato). Thankfully, I did maintain my weight (237) despite a few daliances (I did give in to my Twinkie craving) and am starting the week on a great note.

Yesterday, I attended my regular Sunday night twelve-step meeting and it was, putting it mildly, interesting. There were a few people I’ve never seen before but apparently were part of the fellowship some months or years prior to my arrival. One person had a particularly scary story to tell while they were “getting current” with the group and it really threw me for a loop. While I won’t reveal what they said suffice it to say I was uncomfortable, extremely so, but overall the group was good last night because of the topics selected – trust, things to do and resentment. These three topics seemed very appropriate for me given that each one goes through my mind on a daily basis.

There have been many things I have resented in my life but none more so than my own actions at times. I was as low as I could go and I hated myself for it. Dammit, those demons were strong and terrifying and I gave into each and every one of them. Before I confronted my past and found out the reasons why I was “acting out” in the present I resented, and had great shame over, great portions of my past and I tried to bury it all, sometimes with massive amounts of food. Yes, I also resented being 400 pounds, but once I started valuing life again, especially over these last seventy-one days, I’ve come to know I am stronger than those demons and can win and win without Twinkies, ice-cold regular Coca-Cola (Coke Zero is now my new BFF) and mass quantities of egg rolls or beef fried rice.

Trust is a tricky thing with me, especially since I never really let many people inside because of the walls a created to “protect” myself. Funny how the mind works. You secretly want to let people in because you want to be held and loved but, because of shame and fear, you build up blockers to keep people out as a defense mechanism. Well, not anymore and I think I’m getting better and better at it every day. The secret being that I realized I had to rebuild trust, not just with people in my life but, most importantly, with myself and that comes from liking me again and knowing I will make the right choices now. Choices I can trust are the best ones for me and building on that.

As far as filling my time with things to do, well, you guys know the things I’m working on. This weight loss blog is one of them. I find one of my triggers to eat is due to me feeling bored when I don’t have things filling my time. I eat to pass the time and that is so wrong. It was so wrong. So now I am concentrating on the positives and am working on many things, one of which I will reveal to you in the next month or month-and-a-half or so as it pertains to my upcoming 40th birthday.

When I left the meeting last night I could feel myself on the right path. I am in a positive place and that feels good. I may have had a Twinkie or two this past week but I exercised and did not eat out. All of this, especially in weight loss, is retraining the mind to act in different ways – to choose different paths than we would have chosen before and re-learning how to act. That rediscovery is cool…so cool. It’s almost like the world is new and we have a new world full of opportunity at our feet.

It is just up to each and every one of us to walk that path to get to those opportunities. For the first time in my life I do feel worth it which helps me immensely as I drive the gauntlet of fast food places (especially Burger King) passing them all up for the wonderful BLTs I had at home last night for dinner, or the leftover grilled BBQ pork chops I had for lunch Saturday. Those are the meals I look forward to now. That is the future I look forward to now.

So have a great start to your week, my friends, and good luck on your weight loss journeys. Remember, food may be awesome but you are more awesome and deserve better than you give yourself sometimes. So you don’t have to eat if you really don’t want to or feel ashamed to, because it will always feel better to open up and talk to someone – anyone – than to keep that stuff inside. And no matter what, as you try to walk that path of opportunity, I promise you one thing…you are not alone.

Day fifty-two.

Ugh. I have a cold and I feel like crap today. It started with the always-suspicious scratchy, drippy throat yesterday. As soon as I felt it start I knew I was in for it, but I fought the brave fight. Even at my meeting last night I nursed a 32-ounce (!) hot tea from McDonald’s (one of the only things I will but from them AND it was on the way) complete with honey. I tried but, alas, the common cold won and today my throat is swollen and hurts like a mutha’, I have a slight fever and I am run down. As I said before…ugh!

I know I need to conserve strength today and rest. The problem inherent with that (and feeling like crap) is that you don’t feel like working out AND you need your strength to fight the bug so you have to eat. I don’t know about you but even looking at food sometimes adds inches to my thighs and belly, let alone actually having it. Double ugh! But I know that’s what I need and I will do it so I can get better faster (damned air-conditioning inside/humid-hot weather outside).

Despite feeling crappy, last night’s meeting was awesome. So many of us were sharing stories about ourselves and how we turned to food as comfort to help deal with shame, pain and events in our lives we all wanted to push down and forget. It was amazing learning that much more about the guys in the group, and oh how it helps knowing I’m not the only one who used/uses food to do that. Wow. So cool (yet so sad), indeed.

Food is always a temptation, isn’t it? No matter where you live you can always find some semblance of your “comfort foods” from childhood, your favorite ice-cream at the store, egg rolls, sandwich, loaded french fries, etc. Man, I wish I could go back in time and invest in then up-and-coming companies like Coke, Hostess and the like. This way, as I got to 400 pounds I’d me helping to make myself rich in the process (just a little fat humor there). I also wish I knew why food almost always is used to dull pain. I know the scientific reasons – that it triggers the release of dopamine (sp) and seratonin (sp) in the brain (pleasure chemicals) that make us feel euphoric. But I am talking about the actual WHY we search for pleasure in food.

Maybe it is because it is a constant. Maybe we always turn to food because it is always there, no matter where we live in the world. While so many of us feel fears of abandonment in life we know food won’t do that. It IS always there, readily available and standing by. (Shaking head) I see now how it works. See, this is how my brain functions when it’s got a fever and I’m feeling crappy. I just start thinking about the great mysteries of life and how to solve them. That’s why when we (O.K., I) move to a new area we both seek out and are bombarded with ads for easy foods like pizza. It is recognizable and, despite its many variations, pizza, after all, is pizza.

My friends, you’re gonna have to forgive me today for the blog being short and incoherent but, after a hard day of waking up with a cold, I need to go back to resting. But I will be going back to thinking about the why’s I ate/eat the way I did/do. Sure we need food but we don’t NEED food as much as we think we do. Sometimes just knowing we are not alone and can talk to people is more than enough to satisfy our real craving – for human company and understanding.

Day thirty-eight.

I will apologize now if today’s entry seems a bit off. It comes from my experiences attending last night’s meeting. There’s just no other way to say this, but last night’s twelve-step meeting was weird. There was just a weird energy in the room. As there were twelve of us and it was all guys, the subtle movie reference to “Twelve Angry Men” wasn’t lost on me, but it was the tone that was different and more pronounced. It wasn’t angry. It was a tone of desperation. Quiet desperation. That’s the only way I can put it to you.

I am always humbled being in my meetings because I find people struggling with the same addictions from which I suffer (including the urge to eat everything in sight). It helps to ground me and make me absolutely thankful for the life I have. But I have to admit sometimes I do not suffer from the same moods others do, and there seemed to be a sense in the room from several of the guys of just going through the motions and being there just to be there, saying things because they are correct and guys “telling” on themselves as if in Catholic confessional – as if to clear their consciences of what they’ve done so they can maybe do it again. I don’t know how much of this had to do with last night’s topic of amends-making but it was clear several of the guys just wanted to get stuff off their chests, which is cool, but it seemed the desperation felt by them was of feeling lost and not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

As I sat and listened I felt compelled, almost, to just say something positive just to have a positive affirmation of some type in the air. It wasn’t a “blow smoke up your ass” kind of comment, it was honest, but I wanted it to be of some affirmation that we were all doing well offering each other friendship and fellowship while working on those afore-mentioned amends, not just to others but to ourselves, too, because, in my mind, we absolutely have to continue backing up those amends with actions. That, and only that, makes those amends stick and mean something. I’ll give you an example related to food.

Last month I received free coupons in the mail for Chick-Fil-A (and I loves me some Chick-Fil-A). These coupons were for a free breakfast sandwich, a free Spicy Chicken Sandwich and a free Coke Zero. I may not be able to use all the coupons at the same time but this small sheet of coupons is rare because no other purchases were required. Just drive up, order the freebie, turn over the appropriate coupon and leave. Easy-peasy. But my problem comes in when I think about the WHY I want to take advantage of those coupons.

Not growing up with very much food I hoarded what I could. That comes from the insecurity of abandonment, that feeling of “what will I have if this goes away?” That’s all. Being in good therapy these days I recognize it for what it is and I am now better-equipped to say “food will not leave me, even if I do not take advantage of this coupon.” My conflict comes also from it being free food and a waste if I don’t use it, which goes against my grain to use the blessing of free food when and where I can. However, I made an apology to myself for being 400 pounds in the first place and for regaining 20 or so pounds after mom died.  I made an amends to get right with myself to re-re-re-re-lose this last bloody 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight.  If I used those coupons, even though it is for free food, it would mean my amends meant nothing (especially since the chicken sandwich in question is deep-fried and the breakfast sandwiches, while yummy, aren’t the healthiest for you, calorically speaking).

So, in my meeting last night I tried to say to these guys, “look, we are here working on this but we need to keep working on this. We can’t just come here to spout off and go away. This is as honest and as real as it gets and we have to back up those amends for not only the people in our lives but for ourselves. That’s why we’re here.” God, I hope that message got through because I take sobriety and addiction very seriously, especially since it can so frequently involve food and eating and easy, easy weight gain.

I left that room last night as fast as I could without being rude because I wanted to be back in my positive zone. I know there will be times I am down in the dumps but I will remember my blessings and push through those times because, having been where I’ve been, I never want to be there again. Ever. That includes being 400 pounds because quietly desperate times like last night make the desires for cheeseburgers, fried mushrooms, Chinese food, pizza and more that much stronger. But it’s through the amends process, and the twelve steps, that I am trying my best to not just SAY I’m gonna be better but actually BE better in my new and healthier reality.

Did you guys happen to see last night’s Stanley Cup game? Damn, I think my nerves are still shot (no pun intended) and my blood pressure is still through the roof. But what a series it was and what a final game. I am still jumping up and down for my Chicago Blackhawks! Woohoo! That was awesome! Congratulations, fellas! Well done and well-played. But also my hat’s off totally to the Philadelphia Flyers. They played great hockey (and were a far more aggressive team, especially in the third period) and I can see why they deserved to be in the Stanley Cup finals.

All that being said I am a tired wreck today. What am I, getting old? Used to be I’d get four hours of sleep a night (10:00 p.m. – 2:00 a.m.) then get up to go to work at one of the three jobs I used to have – my “day job” of producer/board operator at WLS-AM Radio from 4:00 a.m. (or 3:30 a.m. depending on how much I had to do before the show I worked on started), my internship at 20th Century Fox from noon until 5:00 p.m., followed by my market research job from 5:30 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. I kept that insane schedule five days a week for a year. It was so horrendous that I, during that time, would only have one 24-hour period in my week where I didn’t have to wake up to go to work. I called it my “year of hell,” and thank God I was 22 when I did it. I’d fall over today, wave a white flag and surrender if I had to keep that schedule now.

That got this 39-year-old thinking lots about metabolism and how jealous I am of people who seem to have one. Why is it that I feel slower now at almost 40? Why am I so damned tired after just watching a game on TV (albeit an exciting-as-hell one)? And what the hell is metabolism, anyway?

Most of us think of metabolism as the rate at which we burn calories, but that only part of it. According to Christopher Newgard, director of the Sarah W. Stedman Nutrition and Metabolism Center at Duke University Medical School, “Metabolism is the breakdown of metabolic fuels we have in the diet. The primary nutrients in foods can be classified as fats, proteins or carbohydrates. Metabolism is the way the cells, organs and tissues in our bodies handle those kinds of fuels. In other words, it’s not just about burning up the food we eat, but about how the various nutrients from that food help us maintain a healthy body.”

OK, so then why do I just feel like I have to work so hard at losing and maintaining weight while some can eat whatever, whenever, and not have it affect them at all?  Bastards. So I wondered out loud – does metabolism really slow down as we get older (er, sorry – better) or do we?

Both (dammit). The slowing of metabolism is a real thing. Mitochondria, the little energy factories that convert nutrients to power in cells, slow down with age. And that’s not all. Barry Stein of Wake Forest University School of Medicine explains, “As we age, we are subject to sarcopenia—muscle wasting. Since muscle burns more energy than fat, this means the metabolic load goes down and metabolism reflects that.” That is, if you do nothing about your loss of muscle with age, it will take you longer to burn off a candy bar at age 60 than at 20.

I’d better start watching those good-tasting plain Hershey candy bars then, eh?

Also (and I knew this one), our bodies are built to store fat. When our bodies sense food is becoming nonexistent or scarce we have pathways that allow us to store what we need to be ready for those times. But, the more we eat, our bodies can’t burn that overload of calories and our bodies burn fat even less efficiently. Therefore, all the calories that aren’t used get converted to fat for storage—all in preparation for the famine that never comes because we keep consuming.

Then add to this the fact we tend to become less active as years go by (like not being able to function as we once did when we were, say, 22 and working three jobs), and we can see why the inches start to gather around your (and my) waist. So how does a well-meaning, late-thirty-something slow the slowing? Well, there are things we can do to keep our metabolisms efficient.

Start with Exercise.

“Exercise actually increases the number of mitochondria. And also increases their metabolic activity,” explains Newgard. Exercise also burns calories, especially cardio mixed with weight training. Cardio activity burns calories while you do it but tends to stop when you stop. Strength and weight training is great because it keeps burning long after you’ve put down the barbells because muscle burns more calories than fat while you’re at rest.

Eat balanced meals

It may sound simple and boring, but there’s good reason that balanced diets are what the nutrition experts always recommend. “Each of the primary food fuels has important individual contributions to make to the whole metabolic scheme,” Newgard says. Fatty acids are important in the synthesis of cell membranes. Carbs are a quick energy source and used for a whole plethora of biochemical reactions, including building DNA. Amino acids build protein—the structural basis of our cells. Again, all of this is part of metabolism—converting and using nutrients to maintain healthy cells, organs and tissues. Diets that eliminate an entire food group will take a toll on the body in the long run.

Don’t skip meals

When you skip meals your body gets smart and starts to conserve fat. Also, skipping meals can lead to overeating because you’re hungry and you binge. And the calories you do take in are extra calories when your body is starting to conserve and store.

Drink water and green tea

Drinking water helps with digestion and metabolism efficiency. Plus, when you are dehydrated, you feel lethargic and you move less. Water is also healthier than other drinks, like sodas.When it comes to green tea, on the other hand, drink up. Studies have indicated that drinking about five cups of green tea a day may increase metabolism slightly. Plus it’s a great source of antioxidants.

So you see? We can fight off the effects of aging, at least some of them. The wrinkles, bags, sags and other stuff may not go away but we can help ourselves ward off being overweight and boost these things we call metabolism. It’s like one of my old employers once told me when I was that young, energetic and cocky 22-year-old, “you get out of the job what you put into the job.”

And my friends,that is so true.  If we do take the time to work hard at it, knowing we are worth that hard work and energy, we, too, will win our weight loss battles and hoist a really cool, big and heavy cup over our heads in victory (figuratively speaking, of course)…

…unless you are one of the 2009/2010 Stanley Cup Champion Chicago Blackhawks, that is.They got to do that for real. And I’m sure they burned a helluva lot of calories last night just partying afterward.

Say, do you think they might read this blog? Hmmmmmm….

Ugh. This Stanley Cup series is wearing me out. Have you guys been watching? It is an awesome series being played by two very good teams (go Hawks!), but the back and forth drama is enough to make me nervously eat for a month. Don’t worry I didn’t, even though I so wanted to drown my sorrows last night (the Blackhawks lost in OT by a score of 4-3) in the nearest pint of strawberry ice-cream. So today my “days without incident” now stand at three.  I actually ended up having steamed chicken and broccoli and brown rice from my fave Chinese food restaurant and – wait for it – a glass of ice water! Two points for me! Er, wait. Is that how you score points in hockey, with a field goal or home run or something? And when does the penalty kick come in?

Well, anyway, staying up late last night to watch the game made me tired as hell this morning. That, in turn, made me far less motivated to get up and join the world today. I know I have stuff to do but I am so waiting for the day we can mentally project what we want to do and have it be done (oh, well. Not in this lifetime anyway). So I lay in bed on mornings like this making my mental list of how cool it is to get out of bed. I know it sounds cheesy but you guys know I am Captain Cheese, Mr. Velveeta…if life were a Philly cheesesteak I’d be the “extra wiz” poured on top.

Chief on my list to accomplish today is more exercise. Yep, getting my ass up, throwing on sweats and gym shoes is top of my list to accomplish today. I am this/close to losing the first of the two pounds I re-gained recently by stress eating and I want those off me like a bad, cheap or ill-fitting suit. I don’t know about you guys but when you get to a certain point you just “know” when your body has gained even a pound or two. Well, I feel as though I’ve gained a whole freaking turkey recently and I want that sluggish, bloated ill-fitting suit feeling gone and done.

Next, I have errands to run in preparation for Friday/Saturday. I think it just hit me today as I lay in bed not moving how screwed up my body is going to feel tomorrow, Friday, because I have to sleep in the afternoon then get up at midnight to drive to this Oprah “win your OWN show” audition Saturday then sort of camp out in my car until the times comes to wait in line for a few more hours. Sigh. Thank God they make extra-large cups of coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Finally, I have to plan out what I’m gonna eat during Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I have always said eating should be very much like scuba diving – you plan your dive and you dive your plan.  A weight loss journey and eating healthy don’t go on hold just because it is time to play for the Cup, but eating while watching the game doesn’t have to be unhealthy. Some great food options (done in moderation not in mass quantities) to help everyone watching the game (or any game) keep their eating on track are:

Salsa

Salsa is made up of fruits and vegetables and contains no fat. Traditionally made with tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and spices, salsa provides antioxidants and vitamins prevalent in those specific fruits and vegetables. Salsa variations can include beans and corn for additional fiber and nutrients. Salsa also is low in cholesterol. You can eat salsa with unsalted, baked, whole wheat chips for added nutritional and health value. Pita chips also are a healthy alternative. And remember, HERE is a kick-ass Slightly Spicy Black Bean Salsa recipe perfect for rooting for the Hawks (er, I mean your favorite team).

Roasted chicken or turkey sandwiches

Served on whole wheat buns or bread thins, either are a great option to add some protein to any game watching you might do. Chicken is a lean meat, and if served moist enough, requires very little in terms of fatty condiments. Skip the cheese and mayonnaise, perhaps add some mustard, and relax in front of the game knowing that the lean meat will provide necessary proteins without the fat of red or deep-fried meats.

Chili

Not big on sandwiches? Try some low-fat chili. Made with ground turkey, black beans, tomatoes, peppers, and onions, the warm goodness will provide a meal in itself with protein, fiber, fruits, and vegetables. Protein helps build muscle, while fiber stabilizes blood sugar by slowing the rate that sugar enters the bloodstream. And again, fruits and vegetables provide invaluable vitamins and nutrients. Skip the Fritos, cheese and sour cream to keep fat-content low.

See, my day is now all on track. I am wide awake and raring to get started – at least I will be after some extra light, extra crunchy coffee which I am off to go get…

…now.

P.S. – Yes, I just read what I wrote and I do not know if I can stay up to watch the game tomorrow! Like Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy” would say (in a British accent) “Blast! What the deuce? How dare they hold the game and not accommodate my schedule!” I will have to find at least one way before tomorrow to have the game mentally projected into my brain as I lay there sleeping. Hmmmmmm…

It’s almost the end of May, 2010 (do you say twenty-ten, two-thousand and ten, oh hell, I don’t know) and it was this time last year that my mom, JoAnn, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 24, 2009, was lying in a hospital bed dying from that dreaded bitch disease. We were seeing doctors who were trying to make her comfortable and having the difficult conversations about pain management, transferring to hospice and how much time she might have left. If you ever want to know what a really hard conversation is look your wonderful, beautiful mom in the eye and answer her “we’re in a bad way, aren’t we” question with the honest, brutal and damning truth…”yes.”

During the eighteen or so days it took from her diagnosis to death, and in the days after, before I returned to South Jersey, I gained 20 pounds back of the 175 I lost. It was not only easy it was tremendously easy. When you sit in a hospital room all day you might entertain ideas of eating better, healthier and less but that quickly turns into nervously eating shit. There are moments of boredom, fear, dread, sadness, humor, anxiousness, relief…every emotion under the sun. What does it mean? It means your adrenaline has kicked in as the one helping to provide comfort and care and you eat, at least I did to help calm the storm.

When we transferred Mama to hospice I knew it was the end, and so did she, but at least the room she was in wasn’t some cold, antiseptic and functional place. It was warmer, more inviting and soothing and a much more  fitting place for my sweet Mama’s spirit to spend its final days inhabiting her body on Earth.

In hospice, I kept eating. This time I had the comfort of having pizza from Al’s Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria which was mercifully close to the hospice place. Ironically, what made this pizza awesome was the fact it tasted just like the pizza my mom and I had when I was a boy. I had this pizza twice in the six days we were in hospice. I needed it. I welcomed it, like an old friend come by for a visit after twenty years…and we had some catching up to do. I needed a taste of my childhood during those moments of fear, dread and sadness.

I just wish that taste could have come calorie- and fat-free.

Why am I telling you guys all this on a beautiful Sunday morning? Because the countdown has already begun to the last “first” I have to face since my mom’s passing, the actual one-year anniversary of that day, and slowly but surely I have been stress eating again. I can tell you it has been mostly subconscious, eating a few extra things here and there. But that is no excuse. I still get my sweet cravings at night and I feed them sometimes with good things, sometimes with bad, and my weight is slowly creeping back up because of it. Not to mention the silly, stupid dreams I have because I eat late at night (but that’s a whole separate blog post – and one for which you’d need a strong drink or cup of coffee because my dreams can be really strange sometimes).

In trying to be Zen about losing this remaining last ten pounds, which is now eleven-and-a-half, I have said many things which I need to start saying to myself. I do forgive myself this weight. I will re-lose this weight. And I know WHY I am re-gaining this weight. Those things help me, they do. I just need to listen to them and fight my way through this.

Every day I start the day the exact same way, with the blank page. Every writer starts with one, every person starts with one. Each day is what we make of it. Some continue the events of the day before, some bring about new circumstances. But all of them have a component of choice to them and it’s that choice I need to remember as June 9 gets closer and closer.

I swear to you all I will re-lose this weight. I swear it to myself, too. And that, my friends, is the first line on my blank page for today followed very, very closely by my second line…

…Mama, I love you and miss you and your voice very, very much.

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Well, I’ve made it back from New York City and Book Expo America. I didn’t really know what to expect but I know I expected much more than actually happened. I thought there’d be agents, publicists and publishers just swarming in a little area waiting to fly to new authors like bees pollinating flowers. But noooooooooo, and that is OK. Everything is a learning experience, isn’t it? And I will get there one day. And there is one important thing I learned. When I am bored, scared, overwhelmed and feeling alone I want to eat. Here’s what happened…

It was just about 10:30 a.m. or so yesterday and I had already made my way around the gigantic Jacob Javits Convention Center once to get the lay of the land and I was feeling run down, a bit overwhelmed and sort of bored. So I found a quiet spot on the level just above the food court (that was by coincidence, by the way) and kind of put my head in my hands. Then it hit me – I wasn’t thinking anymore about “ok, what’s my next move at this event?” and “how can I try to get in front of these people?” No, my mind was wandering down one level to one or two of the restaurants I could see from my vantage point wondering what yummy goodness they were already serving up.

“Dammit!” I said to myself. “It’s only 10:30 a.m. and I’m hungry?!”

I then got to thinking about it all. I was out of my comfort zone. I was in a huge place feeling quite small and insecure. I didn’t know anybody so I was feeling alone. I was disappointed I didn’t get to do what I had gone there to do. I wanted to give up. That is exactly when the demon comes for me telling me to eat, and it’s a pretty powerful demon. It sits down next to me and tells me that it will be comforting to fill my belly with something so I don’t feel so alone, that eating will give me purpose when I felt I had none. Eating would make it all better.

It was then I raised my head slightly and realized I wasn’t alone at all. My demon had followed me to the Big Apple and it was trying its best to get me to go back to the old ways. I looked around at all the people walking around in their badges – some with notepads, others with cell phones – looking like they all had purpose, and way more purpose than me. It felt pretty crappy. But I knew if I gave in and listened to my demon I would have felt crappier. Just because I didn’t have meetings set up or didn’t know anybody was no reason to just start shoveling food into my mouth. I was better than that. I am better than that, and worth more than that no matter what kind of situation I’m in.

So unbeknownst to the people sitting to my left (a woman who seemed annoyed she had to share her temporary desk/bench space with me – hell she should have seen my wide load at 400 pounds) and my right (another guy, flipping through pages in a notebook, jotting reminders to himself while looking at his iPhone to see his next appointment) I bade good-bye to that demon. I sent him on his way.I was going to have lunch, that was fer sure (like totally) but I was going to do it on my terms, in my own time and in my own way.

What tricks the mind can play on oneself never ceases to amaze me, and I almost gave in to it. But I waited and did what I knew my mom, JoAnn, would have done, and what I have done on many occasions – just struck up conversation with people. Who knew? They could have been agents? Why did I do this? Because it’s o.k. to say “hi. I’m a stranger in a strange land and I don’t know anyone. Can you help me?” When you do that you take the power away from your demons and give it back to yourself. You start finding your own path and your own way through a situation. And it feels better.

I eventually did make my way to the food court but I waited until one o’clock to do so (when I was legitimately hungry). Wow, that was an overwhelming experience, too. Throngs of people all swarming around the too-few tables like angry bees out of the hive. I look around at my food choices. They had Soul Food world, Burger and Fries World, Italian Food World…and all for hefty (WAY TOO HEFTY) prices. I ended up at Hot and Cold World for a turkey and pastrami sandwich on rye (I was in New York and had a taste for deli), a bag of chips and a bottle of Coca-Cola. An ice-cold bottle of Coca-Cola. What can I say? I needed a small taste of comfort to get me through the rest of the day.

I may not be perfect but as a great, great man who belted out one of the City’s great anthems – Francis Albert Sinatra – once sang (and I like closing the blog in song)…

“I did it myyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaayyyyyyyy.”

Stress. It is everywhere. It is constant. Sometimes like the air we breathe. Sometimes like the sun that rises every morning. All our lives have it in one form or another (and I’d love to have your life if you don’t) and you wake up with it like a cup of coffee in the morning (oooh, that sounds good).

I’ve been feeling lots of stress lately. You can probably tell by how I’ve been writing (and eating) I have lots going on. My video entry in the Oprah “Win Your OWN Show” contest, the upcoming live audition for that, Book Expo America (which I am planning on attending this week in New York), switching cable companies, folding laundry, trying to figure out where/how money’s coming, cleaning up, and way more stuff I can’t even think about at the moment (even my coffee maker freaked out on me, btw, and leaked water and grounds everywhere) has me anxious to do one thing – eat.

Thank God I am only keeping healthier snacks in the house these days. Some prunes (yes, prunes. And no, I am not 90-years-old. I just happen to like prunes), raisins, crackers and some granola are way better to have than candy bars, egg rolls and soda (yes, believe it or not I steered clear of Coke this weekend (well, pretty much. I had only one as a treat) and didn’t stress drink. Man! Is that even a phrase?

I have also been trying to be Zen and not so hard on myself, too (a little voice in my head tells me I have been lately a bit too much). I am trying on both fronts and it does seem to be working at least a little. But in the meantime stuff isn’t getting done, like that laundry and other life stuff.

This is one of those times I am thankful I have undergone my weight loss journey. I can now recognize when I am anxious, exasperated, worried, afraid, nervous, excited – all the emotions that would make my pop a box of Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins in a heartbeat, or want to order some beef fried rice and egg rolls, or drink three or four Cokes to drown my worries. I may be stressed but I still have control over me and as long as I have that I am going to control what goes into my body so I can control my weight and the choices I make regarding food.

Today, I am down a half-pound from when I went to the conference which is good, and still within my “Battle of the Final Ten.” I may have been fighting this battle for a while now but it’s a battle fought on many fronts – in the gym and in life. We fight it every day. And it’s hard to resist the temptations (”My Girl. My Girl. Talking ’bout my girl…” sorry, just wanted to be goofy and break out into song) of food. It is, especially when food is everywhere. Kind of like in the movies when the hero has to make the treacherous walk/drive down a seedy street and there are pimps, hookers, drug dealers and gang-bangers lining both sides just lying in wait for the hero to step just a little off the path.

Sigh. So today I will be good. It’s all I can do. I will start this Monday with my cup of frustrating coffee (I just cleaned up the mess) and will start my day knowing it’s only Monday and that it’s OK.  I may have grounds to clean up, and laundry to fold, and a floor to vacuum, and bills to pay, and errands to run…

…but I am alive and breathing and doing OK with my weight. That is a gift and one I cherish every day. As long as I have those things I have the strength for anything.

OK, my weight loss blog today is a little tangential. So please forgive me. I eventually do get to the point. I just need a little exposition to set up the story…

You guys know me well enough to know how much I love movies. You’re saying to yourself “gee. I never would have figured that out, Larson. You only show tons of posters and quote movies at least once a week.” Yeah, I know. But today there’s a quote I’m gonna use and it’s one I don’t wanna use.

“There’s something wrong.”

Even though it has many variations this phrase has been used countless times in movies to signal a shift in the momentum from bad to good, to herald something action-oriented coming, etc. Here are some examples that come to mind:

“There’s something wrong! They’re coming back down!” – said by the Huey Lewis-looking bad guy from the original “Die Hard” to baddie Hans Grueber played by the always awesome Alan Rickman.

“There’s something not right here. I feel cold…death.” – said by Luke Skywalker to Yoda in “The Empire Strikes Back” (yes, of course I had to throw in a Star Wars quote as there is one for everything).

“Sir, we have a serious problem. This freeway isn’t finished.” – SWAT guy to Joe Morton’s SWAT leader, Lt. McMahon, in “Speed.”

No matter who uses this phrase or its derivations something’s afoot and something’s out of place. Like the teeth in my mouth

Ugh. I think I told you guys a few days ago that I had my mouth worked on a bit by the dentist. Like a ten-year-old I had to get fillings (two of them, actually) in the bottom rear of my mouth on Wednesday. While it was quite fun having the lower right quadrant of my face numb for several hours my mouth and teeth felt like there’s “something wrong/not right/we have a serious problem.” I knew they beat my mouth up pretty good just getting the damn things in but sheesh! I knew I shouldn’t have felt any pain after a day or so.

Again, that was Wednesday/Thursday.

What does all this mean for yours truly? How does this tie in to weight loss and maintenance? Well…if I can’t see the dentist until Monday or so it looks like I am eating quite lightly this weekend. Not that I hadn’t planned on it anyway but I’m talking the kind of stuff that doesn’t require chewing. Soup, uh soup and possibly more soup. You know how it gets when your mouth hurts, you don’t wanna eat anything. Well, I am in that boat today.

Has this ever happened to you guys? This good news/bad news kind of thing? Good news is I KNOW I won’t eat as much this weekend. Bad news is my teeth and gums hurt causing me to not have much of an appetite. Grrrrr. I know we all look for the perfect appetite suppressant at one point or another on a weight loss journey but this is slightly ridiculous – no matter how weirdly positive it may affect my waistline.

So I may make that 233-pound weight goal after all by Monday, just not the way I planned. And why?

Because “There’s something wrong…” – Bill to the best readers, fans and friends in the world in the greatest movie of all time (no! Not “Avatar”)…real life.