Determined To Succeed

Happy almost Christmas and day one-hundred-thirty-five, and I must say it’s a weird one.

Last night, actually extremely early this morning, I got up to watch the full lunar eclipse. We here in North America were lucky to be able to view the full lunar eclipse so I figured “what the hell,” it was was the last chance for those of us in the continental United States to see a total lunar ecllipse until 2014. It was gorgeous. The moon appeared a burnt orangish/red, although I didn’t catch any of the meteor shower that was supposed to have coincided with the eclipse (also rare because the eclipse happened on the same date as the 2010 winter solstice. The last lunar eclipse to happen on the day of the winter solstice was in 1638).

Why mention a celestial event on my weight loss blog? I have no idea. It’s just something I wanted to share with you guys because that event is what officially started my day. This event concluded a topsy-turvy and emotional weekend in which I heard about a friend of mine who also landed in the hospital, the birth of a child to a friend’s sister, finding a small keychain that was very, very similar to one I had been given by my mama many, many years ago that almost made me cry and a couple of other things that made my emotions go up-and-down. And kids, what do we all know about Bill? I am an emotional eater.

I have always told you I will come clean about my eating and weight ups-and-downs and I am doing just that. I ate poorly this past weekend. I ate way too much and my weight has suffered, although (thank God) not too badly. Hell, I even made a batch of (delicious) peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies (what was I thinking) and had some tortilla chips and queso watching the Chicago Bears sucessfully clinch their 2010/2011 playoff chances (awesome job, guys! Bear down, Chicago Bears! Make every play pave the way to victory…)

Sorry, got off track a bit. Where was I? Oh, yeah. My poor emotional eating this past weekend. Ugh. I feel heavy today. I didn’t sleep right (no duh since eating chips, queso and cookies) and I absolutely have to get back on track. I just admit I am a bit off. There are days I feel every minute of my newly-achieved 40 years (thanks to a daily dose of metamucil and iron pill) and there are days I feel youthful (and yes, I always will). It’s just a weird time and I need to NOT eat when those weird times happen. Eh, I just think the realities of life are just hitting me – that something seriously could have gone wrong for me in the hospital, that I am now 40, and yes, that I still miss my mother, JoAnn Larson, deeply.

So even though today is Tuesday I will start my week by trying my best to shake off this “blah” of mine, work out, eat better and get mentally fit. Gaining back a pound is not the end of the world (I am back up to 248.8 today) and I will be getting up and working out in just a bit. heck, I may even workout twice today. nah, that’s being a little too OCD about it all. And I should get out. Not only do I have to mail my Christmas cards I should get out and enjoy some fresh winter air.

Well, that’s my story today and I’m sticking to it. Me and my metamucil. maybe I would feel a spot better if it snowed a bit before Christmas. I always like when it snows just before or on Christmas. As long as I can stay away from the cookies I made I will be OK no matter what. Have a great day everyone. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day one-hundred-six.

OK. Let’s face it. I suck at watching myself as much as I should over the weekend. I just do. Although I go into the weekend with as much vim and vigor as I can muster, I simply don’t keep it up and I fall into that deadliest of traps…saying “I’ll do it tomorrow.” Although in my case that is the truth. Today, after I write this and get some things done around the house I am getting my fat ass up and heading to the gym. That will be good, especially since this week is the eat of eats, Thanksgiving.

I did end up exercising on Friday and again on Saturday, which is good. However, after a spectacular workout Saturday morning I was done, over, finished, fin, and I shouldn’t have been. I ate like a pig both days and I am mad at myself for doing so. The (semi) good news is that I only gained a pound-and-a-half. Woo-freaking-hoo! That has me thrilled beyond belief! But still that is no excuse for eating the way I did.

What did I do right? Well, my workouts kicked arse. I did my boxing, I did my half hour on the elliptical, I did weights, I did push-ups, tummy crunches and more. It was awesome. But it was cold as shit outside after when walking back to my car and sweat plus the cold equals the chills for hours after. But I felt great. I do wish, though, we could alter ourselves so as not _ NOT – get a taste for sweets during the day, and particularly during our watching of some movies or TV. Curse the tongue and its forever-hungry tastebuds for wanting chocolate chip cookies.

Sigh. All that being said, like I said, I did O.K. this weekend. I am going to do my best to get down to 238-point-something before Turkey Day, though. This way I can enjoy a bit of Thanksgiving. Although I will eat slowly, as promised so I can feel full after not eating so much. But that still leaves the question – why do I suck at the weekends so badly.

I think at least part of it has to deal with being in the mindset of the work week. The regular Monday through Friday part of things that drives me to be better. In other words, I lump work in with work and not working with the weekend. So. O.K. mental note, I need to stay in work(out) mode on weekends. Duely noted.

I think this week’s Determined To Succeed weight loss blogs are going to be short. Not because I’m trying to cheat anyone out of Nobel Prize-worthy material but because I need to get movin’ and remember thouse new rules and regulations I laid down for myself. I simply must lose this weight no matter how yummy things are and how weekendy things feel. That’s my job, quest, ambition and goal. And something more…

…something about which to be very thankful I can work toward any day of the year.

Day ninety-five.

Why the hell are mashed potatoes so damned good? I mean, they are only boiled potatoes, some milk (or creamy salad dressing like garlic or ranch), butter and salt. That’s all. Not very complicated at all, but then again many masterpieces are simple especially with food. And damned if that particular comination, while awesome, is also deadly. Deadly in terms of not being able to exercise portion control, deadly in terms of calories and deadly in terms of putting you in a straight-up food coma like it did for me last night.

There I was last night, minding my own business, having a fist-sized portion of meat loaf (just the right size) and delicious peas and there they were, staring at me from their Corning Ware fortress planning their attack. There they sat just waiting for me to come to them because they knew I would. Their allies, butter and salt were waiting on either flank to close in on the attack. I fell for it and they sprang into action. I added a big heaping deliciously warm lot to my plate and added butter (well, I added “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”) and salt. Oooooooooh, damn, were they delicious. But I shouldn’t have had that second helping…no matter how fun it is to eat mashed potatoes with peas. Ugh.

I am so damn lucky today because I only went up in my weight three ounces. I am at 239.7 and I must – MUST – get my ass to the gym today to workout before a couple of appointments this afternoon. For breakfast I had two small cinnamon rolls from Pillsbury (slightly stale) and I’m raring to go. But lurking in the refrigerator, gathering its forces for the inevitable attack is the dish of mashed potatoes, cold and dormant but waiting for the chance to be reheated.

Was all of that just a stupid, overly-dramatic way to say I shouldn’t have had two helpings of mashed potatoes last night because I ate too much and I fell asleep on my couch? Yes. But is it how I feel about some foods I am doing my best to control? Yes.

There are times in every food addict’s life when we all know and recognize what foods are danger foods. I have been doing great at ignoring and passing up the Chinese food lately. Not since that binge last month have I even looked at Chinese food, and I have been shopping and cooking at home consistently. It’s just that anything potato-ey is yummy goodness and I have to do my best to watch that, too. I may be eating at home but I can still set myself up for failure if I make things that are bad for me AND have them in unhealthy portions.

Today I am set in my ways and will be better. In fact the next time I write you I will have exercised AND eaten light, and that is the only deadly combination I want to face today, because it is on the good side of things. My side.

Day seventy-four.

I freaking hate this time of year in stores. Candy, candy EVERYWHERE! Chocolate, chocolate EVERYWHERE! It’s really hard enough as it is trying not to eat badly by going to the store and getting things to make at home (like my mac and cheese last night) but give a fat guy a break, will ya! I mean, damn. Halloween this and candy that. You just can’t get away from it.

When I was a kid I trick-or-treated just like every other kid out there lucky enough to be able to do so. My costumes were never elaborate, hand-sewn masterpieces of fabric and materials. No, my costumes were what they were – perfect for me and given to me by my mom, costumes made of plastic that you find in boxes, you know, the complete ones. Oh man, they were perfect. Spider-Man, Batman anything Star Wars…Halloween was a great time to be a kid…

…however as I approach 40 I realize how uncool Halloween can be for us adults. But more on that later.

I even remember the biggest “haul” I got. One Halloween I got what seemed like an endless supply of candy. It was amazing and my bag so heavy with chocolate, sugary sweets and treats. I had so much I even took some to school (and of course I shared some with my mom). That was awesome.

As I grew older and I went from receiving candy to buying it I realize how much temptation there is when I shop to just get and eat a whole bag of chocolaty goodness in one sitting. And why not, right? These bite-sized morsels don’t have any calories (they’re too small for that). Yeah, right! I wish.

I’ve always been straight-up with you guys about my eating and all my ups and downs in weight and eating. Well, this is no exception. I did buy myself a bag of Hershey’s miniatures (with almonds) and have been doling out rations to myself to make it last as long as I can. I could try to rationalize it by saying “well, at least I work out” but that would be horseshit. I do workout, yes, but that is not an excuse. I just love chocolate, and while I try to be good about having it there are times I give in to get “my fix.”

I’ve always told you guys I ate what I wanted along my weight loss journey and still continue to eat what I want (hence the delicious mac and cheese I made last night – not the healthiest thing I might add) but I will strive to be better. In less than two weeks the candy displays, commercials and ads will go away and make way for the images of Thanksgiving and turkey with all the trimmings (another danger zone for me). So until then I will do my best to steer clear of the candy aisle in the store.

I know today’s blog will be short but that’s OK. As us addicts say I just wanted to “get current” with you guys aqnd share a rant about candy being EVERYWHERE. EVERYWHERE, I tell you!!! Do you guys have the same problem? I know we are all in this together so I am hoping I am not alone in my cravings for chocolate-peanut butter, almond, gooey goodness.

Sigh. At least I am down 3 ounces. That is something today, I guess.

Day forty.

Well, my friends, it’s the end of another week and, as usual, I am out of creative juice. I am done, fini, toast…ready to start a weekend of working out, writing and catching up on life a bit. You know, laundry, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, laundry…oh, and did I mention laundry? I have to be sure I remember that one. But all of that is truly O.K. and I will tell you why…

Do any of you out there wear glasses or contact lenses? With few exceptions it seems everyone I know wears some form of occular support. I have always been a glasses man, myself. The thought of putting something in my eye that could get scratched, torn or lost has always seemed too much for me. My aversion to things in my eye happened way back when when my father, before he left, said he had a bad eye infection because something got in it. When my mom told him she wanted to see it he removed his sunglasses to reveal a huge ball under his eye (I can’t remember which eye right now) that all but shut it. She was furious at him for not taking care of it and I was scared – and scarred for life. Ever since then I’ve always sought out the most groovy pair of glasses I could find because surgery or contacts were not an option.

I bring all this up because I love my glasses, for they are more than glasses. They are bi-focals. Best. Glasses. Ever. I know you think I’m off my rocker but I love my bi-focals and am not embarrased in the least to share with the world the fact that I need them. I am so into them that I always make the joke about seeing above the line is like regular analog TV and below the line is like switching over to an HDTV. Regular, HD, Regular, HD. Hell, my glasses are even a toy for me sometimes.

Since finally coming to grips with the addictions in my life, which do include food, it’s like I now see the world constantly through the HD portion of my glasses. Everything is clearer and in much-sharper focus. I am seeing things in far more vivid color and things I failed to see before, especially about myself, are now clear as a bell.  I wish I could truly convey what that feeling is like. Just think about watching a regular TV and then an HD one and you get the gist.

I have also come to know a healthier way of eating these days, too. Cooking more, eating out less (which, can I tell you saves a shitload of money) and exercising has helped me get a handle on the weight loss portion of my life these days – much like it did before when I had far more weight to lose. It’s just the fine-tuning of the last damned 15 or so pounds that gets ya’. But I will get that weight off, especially now that I know what my triggers are and I can see them clearly.

It’s funny when you get a song in your head that won’t go away. Right at this minute I have the Johnny Nash song “I Can See Clearly Now” in my head:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

That is exactly how I feel right now. My dark clouds are gone. I am no longer blind. I can see clearly now and that is a beautiful feeling especially as we start the weekend. I may have to use my handy and trusty bi-focals but I wouldn’t trade them, or my newly-found ability to see things, for all the tea in China because there are nothing but blue skies all around and it truly is a sun-shiny day. That is why things like laundry, cleaning and the seemingly other dull moments in life are the ones truly worth living for.

Have a great weekend, my friends. Be well and be healthy. I’ll catch up with you again on Monday. Oh, and don’t forget to remind me to tell you if I survived my craving for Twinkies.

Day thirty-nine.

I have a neighbor whose name is Hector. He lives just around the corner from me and he’s a friendly guy. He is always walking around the neighborhood saying “hello” to people and he always has a smile on his face whenever you see him and every day Monday through Friday he is off to enjoy a day’s worth of activities someplace nearby. Seeing Hector and hearing Hector makes me feel lucky in so many ways every single day. Why? Because Hector is physically and mentally challenged.

I am not sure exactly from what or which challenge Hector suffers but it’s clear. Whenever I see Hector he always says “hey” and I always say “hey” back but what I really want to say is “you poor guy. I am so sorry you are afflicted the way you are.” But does he or would he ever want my pity? No. He, I assume, would just want my simple understanding that he is different. That’s all. Of course he can’t run, jump or even carry on a conversation at the level you and I are used to. But in Hector’s disability comes an incredible ability – the ability to just smile and try to appreciate the life he has.

I am quite sure he and his family go through the same things other families go through when a person can’t take care of themselves. They get frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious and tired and want some type of “vacation” away from the responsibility for that level of care. My aunt told me as much taking care of my mom, JoAnn’s, during her final months and in a letter or two after she died. It is a hefty burden, indeed, to care for someone that way but it makes me think about where my life has taken me in these almost 40 years.

Over 40 days ago I was in the throws of addiction and didn’t know how, when or where to get help. But thanks to the catastrophic failures I experienced I am now on a path of sobriety and recovery. I can again really taste food, enjoy it, enjoy being outside, exercising and more…and all because my heart, mind and soul are all now one again and in the same place. It’s sad, though. Before, when I was much sicker, I never thought about the lessons Hector could teach me. Now that I can think clearly I can see the absolute lessons God, my mom’s spirit and the universe are throwing my way.

Life is just too fucking short sometimes. You hear all the time about teens having their lives cut short in accidents or by health conditions about which they didn’t know. You see on the news horrific stories about people disgruntled at work grabbing a gun and blowing people away (which unfortunately happened recently in the Philadelphia area) just because of disagreements and perceived animosities. And you see all the time people who need help just walking down the street but who give it their absolute best because they are trying to cling to what’s left of their independence. But here I was pissing my life away with addictions, which did include food, wasting the gifts I was given for such a long time.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Well, so is health sometimes.

I would dare me, you, kids these days – anybody – to trade places with Hector for just five minutes. Use some sci-fi machinery to switch bodies for just five minutes and I would bet you anything, ANYTHING, that each and every person who did that would forever appreciate even the simplest of gifts like mobility and speech, gifts we all too often take for granted. In these sobering days I am soooooo appreciating life in ways I never imagined before because I could see where my life was going and where I would have ended up. I have always said to you I know I would have died sooner and not later if I stayed at 400 pounds and I will believe that until the day I see my mom again.

Why am I so down today? I’m not really, for if you listen you will hear the voice of someone who is breathing again and someone who is loving life and who will always do his best from now on to live each day well and appreciate everything in it. Even the simple ability to type out this silly weight loss blog every damn day is a gift, as is the gift of being able to exercise, take my mixed martial arts class and keep my weight in check so I can enjoy activities I’ve never done before. I will also no longer be bad about my eating because I don’t want to gain that weight back for if I did, that would be spitting in the face of all we work so hard to do every single day to maintain weight loss. It would also insult my mom. No,  I will not squander life and it’s gifts, including time, ever, EVER again.

So, the next time you are down about anything go for a walk, exercise, write a letter or talk to a friend. They may seem like simple things to you and me but these are all things Hector can’t do. And just when you think life isn’t going your way remember I know one guy who lives just around the corner who, I’m sure, would be more than happy to trade places with any one of us in a heartbeat to live the lives we live and be free from his own limitations.

Day Thirty-two.

I don’t know if you guys know about this or not, but NASA confirmed yesterday two small asteroids passed within the moon’s distance from the Earth about 12 hours apart. Yep, near-Earth asteroid 2010 RX30, which is estimated to be 32 to 65 feet in diameter, passed within 154,000 miles of Earth around 5:51 a.m. ET, while the second object, 2010 RF12, estimated to be 20 to 46 feet in diameter, passed within 49,088 miles of Earth close to 5:12 pm ET. This double encounter was unusual in the sense that NASA spotted the objects three days in advance and successfully plotted their orbits, demonstrating the need for closer monitoring of near space for Earth-threatening encounters.

According to Donald Yeomans, manager of NASA’s Near Earth Program, which tracks potentially hazardous asteroids and comets within 28 million miles of Earth, the ability to track these asteroids days in advance of their “arrival” confirms that the process NASA has in place (whereby they find, observe and then quickly predict when such things pass Earth to get that info out) works pretty well.

I would say so, although my initial gut reaction was “holy crap, it’s ‘Armageddon’ and we need Bruce Willis to go up in a shuttle and yell ‘yippee-kay-a mother fucker’ before saying ‘we win, Gracie’ and blowing up the damn thing. My second reaction was to think back to a time when I was a kid working on his science fair project about space, specifically black holes.

According to the general theory of relativity, a black hole is a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon and it is called “black” because it absorbs all the light that hits it, reflecting nothing, just like a perfect black body in thermodynamics.

All of that is a fancy way of saying ain’t nuthin’ gettin’ out of any black hole.

Thinking back over the past few decades I have come to realize how very close I actually got to that event horizon in my life, that point from which I could never have returned because of my behaviors and my fractured soul. And thinking about how close I got made me shudder but instantly thankful I was able to bottom out and escape the nothingness of true failure.

Last year I wrote a couple of pieces on failure. I wrote them after attending church one Sunday and hearing the pastor talk about a passage in the Bible that says how people will fall and rise seven times as we try to achieve success or victory over evil.

I’m human, and humans look for too many quick fixes, solutions, methods or excuses so there’s (or seems to be) less likelihood of failure, I wrote, and how we use these things to blame someone or something else for our failures. We say to ourselves: “Oh, well I ordered that thing and did what I was supposed to do to lose weight but it didn’t work.” My friends, I said it then and I will repeat it now, the highest peaks of our achievements and successes always go through the lowest valleys of failure. And humility, patience, the ability to learn and grow from mistakes and, most of all, appreciation for success comes from failure.

Having known what true failure is in life I truly appreciate the feelings I now have of sobriety and being a better human being each and every day. Not acting out (especially with food and eating – I was so much better yesterday) and appreciating life again and all its positive energies is what I will continue to do throughout the rest of my life – that is my focus. But there are forces out there in the universe like those asteroids and like those black holes that threaten our stability, even our very sanity, and we must do our best, like NASA, to see them coming and prepare for them so we can avoid the blackness and destruction they bring.

No journey worth taking is without risk, pitfalls, bumps and dangers. I know that. In my current weight loss journey, for example, I am still trying to re-lose this damn extra almost 14 pounds (grrrrrrr). But I will, especially now, succeed in all the aspects of my life especially when I can see asteroids or black holes coming my way. There are black holes out there in the universe, but it’s the stars and light that surround them that mark their path so we can avoid them along our journey. I came dangerously close to the event horizon once in my life and I will be damned if I ever again get that close no matter how the universe can sometimes conspire to want me to fail again. And you should hold onto that assurance, too, that you can and will achieve success in your life no matter how many times you stumble. We are all human and we will achieve success together.

Bruce Willis is a person and an actor. He’s not Harry Stamper, the character he portrayed in “Armageddon,” and he won’t be flying at 22,500 mph to land on that asteroid and blow it up before it hits earth. No, my success or failure in the end depends on one person, me, and I am holding firm at thirty-two days and counting that I will continue to grow, be positive, be a better man day by precious day and be my mother’s son again.

Day thirty-one.

I’ve talked about going to twelve-step meetings before but last night’s meeting was weird. It even started off weirdly. The leader of the group couldn’t make it so it was up to the rest of us to make do. That was fine, though. Someone even brought a copy of the booklet that tells us the order of things in the meeting. What made the meeting weird were the topics selected for discussion – PMS and forgiveness.

Now before you go thinking we discussed THAT PMS, the PMS we discussed stood for pain, misery and suffering. This topic was brought up by a guy in the group who has been going through his own bit of a tough time and I think he just wanted to let some of that out in group. O.K., I can roll with that, but it made everyone in the group tense and unsure because, while the subject of forgiveness is pretty straight forward, none of us could define pain, misery and suffering in the same ways.

The guy who brought it up talked about his own pain and suffering as well as the pain and suffering of someone with whom he recently shared a hospital room. Others brought up different specific occurrences of things that had happened, including acting out, that had made them each go through pain, misery and suffering. And more than one person talked about “self-medicating” some of that PMS away with food (and I could so totally relate to that with my own eating patterns as of late). When it became my turn to speak I thought about PMS in two different ways – my own general PMS and the PMS I have caused others.

You never really quite know what goes into the recipe for an addict. Oh sure there are the things you know will cause damage to a person but I was never abused by my mom. Not once ever, yet there are so many lingering things that happened, including how and where we lived, that did cause my own form of PMS, hence why I became an addict. Then I thought about the PMS I caused others with my actions, another reason I go to meetings. I know I have done wrong but I am trying to be a better man and do a better job of it every single day.

Then it came to the topic of forgiveness. I think the energy of the room, set by the guy with his suggestion of PMS, didn’t really let the positive energy of forgiveness in. In other words, people wanted to be in their pain last night and feel it. But does it make me wrong for not wanting to be in such a negative place? I don’t think so.

There comes a point in every situation in life when you come to a bridge. It connects the feelings, actions and thoughts of the past with the dreams, wishes and positive energies for the future. Sometimes, you don’t know how or when it’s appropriate to begin crossing that bridge due to guilt (like causing so many others PMS) but you know in your heart and mind it is time to do it and I did, because if I am to become that better man I always talk about I have to cross that bridge. And because it’s a bridge there is always a link to the past even though my feet are heading to that better future.

At the end of the meeting last night I did my best to leave that room as fast as I could. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and there are a couple of people who are cool in that group, but I wanted as much distance between myself and that PMS energy as possible last night. And there’s nothing wrong with that.  You know I think all the time about my eating patterns, and how lately I’ve been so bad because of various emotions – guilt, sadness, anger, happiness, nervousness – and I need to get a handle on that, too. That is part of forgiveness, and like I’ve always said in this weight loss journey (or any journey for that matter) you have to forgive yourself the past to be able to cross that bridge. If you don’t, and you keep using food to run away from what you are truly feeling, there is no way you can move across that bridge into a better future for yourself.

I ended the night last night watching the end of a beautiful movie called “City of Angels.” In it Nicolas Cage plays an angel who, after falling in love with a doctor played by Meg Ryan, decides to give up being an angel and fall to earth to be with her. It was romantic, ethereal and cool, but the true message of the movie was about embracing life. In that movie, angels cannot feel. They cannot taste, smell or touch (or be touched), and the sensations of water when you swim are completely lost on them because of it. I won’t give away the ending (and you should really watch this flick) but Cage’s angel finds a way at the end to leave the past behind and enjoy and embrace life. He goes for a swim, and he can finally experience what a pear tastes like and he knows that just one moment with Ryan was worth the journey he undertook. And its in the last moments of film we see that he will be OK in his new human life experiencing the beauty of his newly-found humanity.

That was a wonderful way to end my night and a beautiful way to start my day.

Day twenty-five.

I am sitting here honestly not knowing what to write today. The past few days have been such a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts and events that I just don’t have the quiet necessary to write something cohesive. Please forgive me for that. I know there are people out there who read me everyday (and thank you so much for that), but sometimes it’s hard to get the brain firing on all cylinders. I will do my best, though, and write several mini blog posts in this bigger blog post.

A mini-blog about weight:

I am down to 234.4 today, so down another half-pound or so and back into the battle of the final ten. This is after a period where I binged a bit too much and gained back about eight pounds or so. Addictions do that to you, ya know. They take your strength, time, money, sanity and even your soul. And for what? Distractions that are fleeting at best? Then you literally feed them with comfort foods that leave you with nothing but pounds.  Well, thanks to amazing support and some good therapy I am getting a handle on both and am controlling my eating again. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! By year’s end, maybe sooner, I will see that 225 on my scale again. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about time:

Labor Day Weekend is upon us and I’m sitting here lamenting how much time I’ve pissed away in my life. We always say things like “I can’t believe it’s already ________,” and insert your choice of holiday, day or date here, but this time I cannot blame work or a hectic life on my loss of time. I am the only one responsible for wasting so much time in my life to my addictions, and now the year is three-quarters over and I have little to show for it. I wanted to be rich and well-into writing a book by now. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wanted to be planning weight loss speaking engagements. Strike two. I should have been doing so much more than I have actually done but gave in to the addict in me. Sigh. Well, I am going to be making the utmost of the remaining three months of this year. I have a lot of time to make up for and I will be. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about food:

This morning was a true test of my Bill Power. I had such a taste for a breakfast burrito from McDonald’s. I don’t know why that is but I did. Maybe I just needed protein to replenish myself, or maybe the thought of something hot and eggy/cheesy sounded good. But I held back and decided instead to just get my reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Man, since that binge of not-so-long ago I have really tried to ask myself “do I really need/want ______,” and fill in the blank with your comfort food of choice, with the answer almost always being “no, I don’t.” So I’ve passed up cravings for strawberry ice-cream, McDonald’s and even that delicious peach shake from Chick-Fil-A in favor of healthier drinks and meals. And lo and behold it’s working again. Gee, go figure…

A final mini-blog about the Labor Day holiday weekend:

Usually I take Saturdays and Sundays off to give my wee brain a rest from writing (and to give you a rest from my rantings about, well, stuff). But this weekend I am going to be taking advantage of the holiday and taking tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday off. It will be good to get out and take in some of the summer air (even though a hurricane is supposed to be hitting the Jersey coast sometime tomorrow), and things I have all but ignored over the summer so far. What will I do? I have no idea but that is a beautiful thing. All I know is I will be appreciating life, communing with my mom’s spirit a bit and being present. These days that’s all that matters.

And there you have it, a scatter-brained, roller coaster blog to start the holiday weekend off right (I guess). In going to therapy and going to twelve-step meetings I have done my absolute best to adhere to the steps themselves. They say in meetings to work the steps because they work if you work them, and I am doing that. I am trying so that a healing time can happen. I know I have done wrong in my life but it is time to heal and continue making myself a better man. That means taking care of myself, setting boundaries, keeping tabs on my weight, not wasting anymore time, thinking about comfort foods and being present to enjoy long, lazy weekends. I hope you guys can all do the same. Life is truly a precious gift and is way too short to waste it on the negative. Be well, my friends, and avoid eating too much comfort food like hot dogs and burgers (especially if you do get down). You’ll feel better soon. You’ll see. We will all get there soon.

Day twenty-three.

“Ugh.” That’s all I have to say. I am finally up and around today after having a massive allergy attack last night. You know the kind I mean. The ones where you sneeze yourself into a headache (where you can’t stop sneezing at all), where your eyes are all puffy, throat is all drippy and nothing seems to help much. So I say again, “ugh!” Although, and on a positive note,  I did alright food-wise having had a great homemade beef stew. Not only that but only having an appropriate portion of it, too. This way I have lunch AND dinner tonight as well. Awesome.

It just sucks ass when your sick. That sneezing, head-achy allergy attack turned into something of a summer cold and my throat is dry and hurting today. Now, the good news about all that is that I do not feel like eating. The bad news is I don’t feel much like doing anything today except, well, laying around saying “ugh.”

Let’s talk for a moment about the virtues of lying on one’s couch flipping channels. You get to catch up on talk shows, game shows and “reality” TV (reality is in quotes because, if you know anything about TV, there ain’t much of it that’s real. It’s contrived and staged with heroes, villains and victims just like scripted TV shows). Or, you get to catch up on a good book or a few movies, whether they’re on cable or in your DVD cue. You get to curl up with one of the best inventions ever – the heating pad – and just be a slug, allowing your body to get the rest it needs to get better.

Now, let’s talk about the bad parts of just lying around. Nothing gets done. Not work, exercise, errands, exercise, laundry, exercise, cleaning and, most of all, exercise (did I mention that already?). And when you do flip channels you realize that the only thing on the tele is crap because 90% of the country is at work so they put on reruns of crap, marathons of whichever “Housewives of” show is being aired and show you what antics Snooki and Jwoww are up to at the “Jersey Shore.” And never mind the fact cable, especially premium channels, are running the same three movies ALL THE TIME. I mean seriously, how many times can the Decepticons take revenge against the Autobots while Shia LaBeouf yells “no, no, no, no, no, no!”

So there’s my catch 22. Rest or push myself. The fact of the matter with me is that I do embrace being sick, I do, and I am content with lying around putting up with bad TV and excessive reruns if it gets me better faster so I can rejoin life. But with these extra pounds to lose I am torn. I wish I could sneeze them out and throw them away in little wadded-up balls of tissue. But I can’t. It takes work, work (and workouts) that I have almost zero energy for today.

So maybe I will compromise with myself. I will get going and do some work and maybe, MAYBE, if I am up to it, go for a walk later. At least that will be something. And it might do me well to get out for a bit and let the hot end-of-summer air work its magic on my nostrils and nasal cavities. That sounds good, but then again so does my couch. Alright, alright, I will get up though and do something to start.

Thanks for listening to me rant today. Being in a weight loss struggle ain’t easy, especially when you’re sick. But good and bad, we are in this together. Hopefully, I will be better enough to kick the bag decently tomorrow in martial arts class. Hell, even the energy for that walk today would be good. But no matter what, I am just thankful to be here, present and sober today. And sick or not, that is an amazing feeling, even when you start the day saying “ugh.”