Determined To Succeed

Day twenty-two.

It’s quiet this morning. I can actually hear myself think. And what am I thinking about? The fact that I had a weekend that was good, really good, and sober. That I was here and present and a participant in my own life instead of being so detached from it I could hardly remember what day it was. The fact I had great workouts and went shopping, and the fact I now have to re-lose some weight because I have been eating a bit too much again because I am, well, stressed.

If you have ever studied addictive behaviors you will find that people almost always replace one addiction with another and an extremely high percentage of them replace their usual drug of choice with food. Being that I am a dual addict and my first drug of choice WAS food it was easy to begin eating a little bit of this and a little bit of that to deal with the stresses of sobriety. Yes, there are stresses in sobriety. Of course there are, and these stresses are constant because you’re always working on your sobriety, like you’re always working on maintaining your weight loss.

I can’t speak for anyone else out there but I stress because I want to make sure I am now on a clean, good and honest path. Because I always want to do the right things and am not sure if some of the things I say are right or not. I struggle with being the newer, better me and having that have the best parts of my personality and not the shitty parts that dominated it before. I struggle because I never want to go back to old Bill again, either in addiction or in weight, and because I struggle I stress eat.

It’s stupid, I know. I do know better. I know that I shouldn’t eat a stupid gyro wrap from my local diner with fries. That was stupid (especially since it wasn’t very good at all and made my stomach all messed up). It’s stupid because I know in my brain eating doesn’t calm stress, it only adds to it eventually. Sure what I eat may taste good at the time but any addict will tell you that the quieting of the brain during addiction comes from the endorphins produced when you give yourself the drug. But when they wear off you feel ashamed and never want to do it again – you just don’t know how to break the cycle.

I am at 235.9 today and I am pissed off at myself. I am pissed off because I can see in my face my cheeks get chubbier again. I feel bloated. I see the numbers creeping up on the scale. Most of all, though, I am pissed because food is so automatic for me I didn’t realize I was eating too much again until yesterday really. That the old patterns were coming back and I need to arrest them, too, especially if I want to maintain the “high” of being sober in other areas of my life.

Look, food is fuel. It isn’t the answer to a problem. It won’t solve money issues. It won’t make pain go away. It won’t solve what’s going on in your life. Used like this it’s only a distraction, a distraction from what’s really going on inside. But like any addiction you need to recognize you are in need of help, in need of control and in need to stop and face what is really causing you to seek out food (or your drug of choice) in the first place. Today I vow to fight that addiction, too. I made that vow yesterday and did O.K. in my eating. Not the best I could have been (I had an extra helping I shouldn’t have) but I was better and I will strive to be better than that today (no matter how delicious Jersey corn is).

And how will I be better? I will be better in my eating because I will tackle the day as I began my day. Listening to the quiet and hearing myself think. And when I can think like that I have the power to change the things I want to change about myself including that stupid number on my electronic scale. And no matter what, I will think about how I no longer want to feed either addiction. How I just want to be me and the best me I can be.

Day eight.

Happy Monday to you all. I don’t know quite how to begin today’s blog, so I will start at the beginning. I am down to 232.6. It’s amazing what finally telling the truth can and will do to and for a person. No matter what kind of situation you have in life, you have to be truthful to yourself and others because lies affect so many aspects you’re not even aware of. I am now well-within finally losing that final ten pounds because, for the first time in my adult life, I am telling the truth to people. I am not “hungry” anymore and eating this and drinking that (things like ice-cream or drinking Cokes) trying to keep it all down.

That is what I used to do. I used to eat more to feel better. It was an old pattern and one I thought I had kicked. I did that when I was the 400-pound me. No matter what I was going through every restaurant and take-out place was open, so I ate. I finally got hold of the weight problem and lost the weight, but I was wrong in thinking I had lost that pattern, too. I may not have been driving through the McDonald’s drive-thru every day to get my breakfast sandwiches, hash browns and Coke but I did binge. How was it different than when I was 400? What I did was far more subversive: I ate throughout the day. I ate “snacks” to fool myself into thinking I could eat AND keep all this down.

Yes, I was lying to myself yet again. I am human and I was wrong.

I am not lying anymore, especially to myself, and yesterday I went to my first meeting to get help. In many ways it was exactly what I expected but in some, not what I expected at all. It was good, though, talking about things openly and honestly and as I sat there I thought about the horrible things I’ve done and the lies I’ve told. But I also did think about my weight and how that was the one thing I did right. Admitting you have a problem is never an easy thing, whether it’s to friends or a group of strangers but it does mean you are facing your demons and willing to work on being a better person, which for me means being my mother’s son again.

That is why I feel lighter these days. Yes, the final extra weight I gained is finally coming off but my spirit is lighter, also. That is the healing power of truth. We tell so many lies in our worlds that it becomes exhausting to keep all that going and keep it all straight. Trying to remember who you told what to is draining because it feeds the demon that says you won’t be liked unless you lie. That is also the demon that allows you food as a recourse to trick you into believing it will all be O.K.

I have since learned that the only way to finally defeat that demon is to grapple with the actual problem, me. When that happened my demon had no more power. That can be true in weight loss as well as in all aspects of life. When you finally (FINALLY!) deal with what is really going on inside you, realizing your faults, weaknesses, idiotic actions and lies are leading to pain, you can finally try to really begin fixing what is truly broken…yourself.

That is what it means to “bottom out.” And friends, that is what happened to me. I bottomed out as a person and as a soul. I was bankrupt and had no value. I still don’t, but at least I can say two thing to you honestly today: One, I did lose this weight without surgery. I did it with hard work, perseverance and will. I never had surgery, and while that is good for some I chose not to have it. It was my choice and right for me and, in the end, the right choice. Two, I am facing my demons and finally dealing with the shit in my life that truly was the cause of me being the liar I was, and finally trying to do what is right.

When I finish this writing I am heading to the gym to workout again. I am getting back to the core of all my truths, not least of which is maintaining weight loss. I am human. I have always said I am human, but I kid you not when I say I do want to get better, heal and live the rest of my life as the best man, and son, I can possibly be. That is how I guess I want to start today, with that affirmation.

Today the sun that’s out there now is expected to give way to rain, but I won’t. Not anymore. These may be hard days filled with facing up to so much in my life, but I will do my best. That is truly all we can do. Except now I really am doing my best in all aspects of my life not just one, trying to be the man I always wanted to be.

It’s never been easy to admit when something in my life has been not just a failure but a catastrophic one. One of those failures that makes a person really and truly analyze who and what they are and what they have become in life to their friends, loved ones and family. Very recently, I suffered one of those catastrophic failures. No, that’s bullshit. I created one of those failures and it has caused me to actually take stock in myself and realize exactly how low I’ve gone.

This failure actually began happening years ago, I was just too blind, deaf and dumb to see it and recognize it for what it really was and admit it to myself and others - my weaknesses, insecurities and demons all coming out and causing me to act out in different ways – and yes, that included eating (see, you knew I would get to the food/weight angle somewhere in my rambling).

Over the years my failures began leaking into all aspects of my life save for one – weight loss. The irony of all this emotional crap going on was that, even though I’m an emotional eater and CRAVED everything food stuff in sight, I held back somehow because I had a goal and I wanted to keep it.

 NOT eating was O.K. It was just the other areas that needed fixing.

Now here I am years later and the catastrophic failure of things has caught up with me and here I sit, writing this blog to introduce a great many of you to me for the first time. And for those of you who’ve read this blog before, re-introduce you to the man who despite his many, many flaws DID lose weight and DOES want to help people.

If you have never read me before I definitely invite you to read my weight loss story here. It is true and it is me. That is not meant to be narcissistic (I think I spelled that correctly) it is just meant to show you that this flawed man did at least one thing right. He lost weight and he did it the right way. I changed my eating habits and exercise entered my life. Let’s face it, it ain’t rocket science. We are simply human and we look for short cuts and quick fixes to get us from Point A to Point B without doing the hard thing – the thing we most need to truly make us the people we want to become.

You see? This lesson is not just for weight loss but for any of life’s curve balls, setbacks and, of course, its catastrophic failures. Not to mention it is for us human beings. We are not robots. We cannot be programmed to “begin weight loss routine: NOW.” We get bored, tired and disinterested in some of the things we do which leads down some very dirty roads.

In my original blog postings I talk about things you can do to begin your weight loss journey today. First of all to tell people what you are trying to do so you can be accountable. Second, forgive yourself the past and move on. But there is something about this one that strikes to the heart of maters. What happens when you can’t forgive yourself? What happens if you do something that affects others?What happens if you do something unforgivable?

For the first time in my 39 years I am finally realizing what it means to actually deal with true weakness and flaws in character. I am also realizing what it means to do my best to take responsibility and own up to my mistakes. It also means that I’ve recognized how so many more puzzle pieces fit together in life and how my addictions to food morphed into other traits that were very dark and bad, indeed.

But here I am and here we are on this Monday. Like I said many of you are reading me for the first time and thank you. Many of you are coming back (and so sorry for not posting on Friday). I do hope all of you stay and keep reading because now I am excited to start with the cleanest, blankest slate I’ve ever had in my life.

Yes, my blog deals with weight loss but as you sit and drink your morning cup of coffee, eat your sweet roll, enjoy a pop in the afternoon or glass of milk before bed, think about time. Think about the things that matter. Think about yourself and ask yourself “am I happy with who and what I am?” And if you’re like me and discover that things ain’t nowheres near where you’d always weanted them to be then it’s time for a change – that afore-mentioned blank slate. While some may think of this as a bullshit way to try to assage guilt, it ain’t. It’s a way to say we are all together because we’ve all felt like shit from time to precious time (and caused shit from time to time) and, therefore have wasted time, time we will never get back.

That is the true tragedy in failure. Knowing we can achieve those goals but being too stupid to focus, do the right things and get to the goal. But one of the other things you can do today is realize failure is only a destiny if we let it be and I sure as hell don’t intend for it to be.

Today as we start a new week it may not be the best of weeks but here we are (and alive) and that is saying something. Not to mention how cool it is to actually be a part something starting fresh (or at least trying to).

So c’mon in! The water of these blog pages is warm and awesome. We are in this together. I’ve been eating badly because of my emotions and it’s showed, however I passed a WAWA and DIDN’T stop to get Coke. That small little positive is part of how I am choosing to start this week.

I may not be a good man sometimes but I am here on this earth dammit and I lost 175 pounds. That is an accomplishment and one I will always be able to say I did for the rest of my life. I really do hope you feel that, too, someday, somehow. And if you need some weight loss motivation I am here. I am not perfect but that’s what this blog is all about – the stuff we all fight every day to lose weight and hopefully keep it off.

Hey there and happy Monday. Did you all enjoy your holiday weekend? I hope you guys got a chance to re-juice the batteries a bit, at least. I know I did.

One thing that amazes me about the Fourth of July is how much holidays turn into food expos. Think about it (and we are putting Thanksgiving, Passover and Christmas aside for this), we make all our holidays – and “holidays” – about food in one way or another. It’s Memorial Day/Labor Day/Fourth of July? Let’s BBQ! It’s St. Patrick’s Day? Let’s eat corned beef and cabbage! It’s Cinco de Mayo? Let’s fiesta! Mother’s Day/Father’s Day? Let’s take ‘em out to brunch! It seems like eating’s all we do, especially in this country.

The grillin’ and eatin’ I did over this long 4th weekend wasn’t about “filler,” the meals you and I can have at cookouts (like a hot dog or hamburger, potato and macaroni salad) that fit in-between your “real” meals of lunch and dinner. No, it was about three things – eating things that were healthier (steak and chicken grilled not fried). It was about trying to be frugal (saving money by buying food to make instead of going to a restaurant to eat out). Finally, it was about staving off the urges to eat badly when going to do things over the holiday weekend (like attend fireworks and go to the movies).

Boy they know how to get ya’ going to the movies, don’t they? As soon as you open that big glass and steel door the smell of hot buttered popcorn hits you and it’s all over. You are almost helpless against it’s alluring aroma. As you then make your way over to the concession stand like a zombie you then see all the candy, Coke and other food treats that await your hard-earned money. But I always do my best these days to go to the movies on a full stomach so I can thwart their evil plan and just go be (hopefully) entertained for a few hours.

AMC Theaters even offered kick-ass coupons if you went to the movies yesterday (because typically it is one, if not THE, lowest attendance day in the movie biz all summer). You could get a popcorn and soda, any size, for a buck each. Awesome idea, awesome deal. But I did my best and ate a good breakfast before hitting the cinema (I like trying to sound British every now and then).

For the most part I did O.K., and I even had a sandwich from Wawa for dinner with milk (and alright, alright, a small bag of chips) just before fireworks. That helped me resist things like hot dogs, hamburgers, funnel cakes, sodas (pops).  And speaking of hot dogs, going to the movies made me miss the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest (thank God).

Have any of you ever seen that, um, spectacle? People from literally all over the world (including one who just wanted to “crash” the event and compete without following the rules set forth by – get this – Major League Eating) compete to see who can down the most hot dogs (and buns) they can eat in ten minutes.  The winner, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, took the “mustard belt” for the fourth year in a row, gulping down a whopping 54 dogs! 54! That’s approximately 16,038 calories!

In my crazy life I once served as judge to a hot dog eating contest and it is the grossest thing you ever want to see. These guys dip the whole hot dog and bun in water to shove it down their gullets and it’s nasty. The thought of wet bread makes me gag and if you ever want an appetite suppressant watch this thing once. Ick! It truly will kill whatever appetite you might have for hot dogs for quite a while (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it).

And while I know most of us – O.K. safe to say 99.9% of us – won’t shovel in hot dogs at a rate of one every 11 seconds (the rate the winner of the Nathan’s contest winner) I hope you did try to eat better this 4th of July. It is totally possible to still enjoy the sights, smells and tastes of the Fourth without eating too much bad stuff in the process. And that is truly a great way to celebrate freedom…

…freedom from the extra calories and unwanted pounds, that is.

P.S. – One food fest I miss, though (and is “worth the splurge”) is Taste of Chicago. Held the last week of June – July 4th(ish) it is a downtown Chicago street food festival like no other. Over 70 local Chicago-area restaurants set up shop and you can sample everything from alligator (yep, and I’ve tried that once in my life. ONCE!) to veggie platters. It is amazing! I do miss it, even though you sooooooo need to workout before and after because you will consume a lot of calories. I try to do it every few years, especially now that I’ve dropped weight. That’s all my poor body could handle. And they do have small “Taste” portions you can try so you don’t get a full order of something, which is good.

I know this is going to come as a shock to no one but eating is a very social thing. Conversely, weight loss goals are a very solitary thing. I never really thought about it in those terms before until just this morning.

You see, yesterday, after writing this hopefully-soon-to-be-award-winning, Hollywood-will-take-notice-and-make-a-movie-about-me-too-called-”Bill-&-Billia” blog I went to work out in the gym. After spending Friday at my second mixed martial arts lesson I was determined to get going to the gym and stuff so I did. I went, I did my half-hour on the elliptical, I did those incredibly hard but really cool reverse push-ups (which I do want to do every day to get used to them) and even practiced what is called a Turkish Get-Up (seated in a typical legs-crossed position, getting up by swinging a leg out and ending in a neutral stance). O.K. I know I’d have to show it to you for you to get it (hmmmmmm, maybe I will one day) but the point is I was working out and setting my mind to be all in a  “I’m going to be good today” mode.

That is the solitary part – and the part that sort-of flew out the window.

While I was mostly good with the food I ate for a “light” lunch, it was my dinner that killed me. And why? Because I was having a good time with good people and I went from solitary “I’m going to be good” Bill to “Oh, I’ll just have one or three more cookies” Bill.

Later on in the day I went to someones house for a wonderful get-together. There were great people and, moreover, there was food. Lots and lots of food. Meatballs, pulled pork, pasta, potato salad, bread, chips, dips, hummus, pita, soda…the whole bit. I found myself loading up lots on my plate. And why? Because it was part of the social thing going on. It was part of the laughing, story telling and bonding, that almost blind eating-without-thinking part.  That is the social part of it.

You guys know me by now. I love me some food. I also avoid buffets not because I don’t like them but because I like them too much and eating at someone’s house can be just like that. Ugh. Why did I eat so much.

I know it was just one day and I will work it off (especially Wednesdays and Fridays in martial arts) but that’s not the point. I’m a bit miffed I decided to let the solitary go in favor of the social…the personal goal in favor of the food, folks and fun. It may be only one day but I really do have to be smarter than that. It really is mind over matter, sometimes, and while I laughed up a storm and enjoyed myself immensely getting on the scale this morning was no laughing matter.

OK, I won’t be too hard on myself but I need to be hard enough to know better. I might be hungry going into a situation like that but that’s no reason to attack food like I’m going to war.  I may be going to something cool and social but that’s no reason to forget what I say to myself in my solitary moments…

…that I will be better today, eat right and do my best.

Deep breath. Again. OK, I’m a little better now…

…and a new, hopefully better eating day begins.

Did any of you ever watch “Seinfeld?” The NBC show that ran for however-many seasons was famous, in part, for being the “show about nothing.” Jerry Seinfeld even said so. And it was. It was so popular because we enjoyed watching these neurotic New Yorkers getting into silly crap with no special overall meaning at all. Again, a show about nothing.

I fell like that’s what my blog is today. The “Seinfeld” of blogs. Even though I haven’t watched that show since it went off the air (and won’t now, even in reruns, because of the racist tirade of one of its stars, Michael Richards), I totally get why a show about nothing was so popular.  Ugh. This is one of those days where I don’t know what to write about. I’m sitting at my computer looking  out of the stop sign-shaped window next to me, staring wishfully at the sky as if the inspiration would fall from it. But alas it doesn’t and I sit here trying to rattle enough of my marbles (at least the ones I got left) trying to think of something. I guess I will update you guys on stuff going on. So let’s go to the diner, take our usual booth and kibbitz…

I’ve been eating OK, lately. Not great but OK. I know I eat out way too much. Even though I tend to get the healthier things on a menu I need to just buy stuff for myself and cook it. Not only would it be cheaper in the long run it would also help me calorie-wise. Maybe that’s why “Julie & Julia” has been on cable so much lately. Maybe it’s a sign or a gentle nudge from mom, “get your butt to the store and buy some groceries for this house.”

And it’s not that I don’t enjoy cooking. I do. I like cleaning off a space and putting all the ingredients on it, like I’m the host of a cooking show talking to the chairs in front of me telling them what I’m about to prepare. And while I am not the best cutter-upper I do love how things look all mixed up in a bowl or pan, especially when I know it’s going to make something yummy for my tummy. O.K., O.K. I’ll get my butt to the store. Especially ’cause that means I get to make that good chicken recipe I told you all about a while back. Cool! Or maybe I’ll make a soup so good the Soup Nazi will be jealous?

A bisque, perhaps?

Nah. He’d just look at me and say “no soup for you” and kick me out of his store. And was that the “bon bubble-pop bubble-pop bown bown) of the “Seinfeld” theme I just heard in the background? Weird.

Anyway, I am going to be starting a different kind of strength training and conditioning beginning next week, that’s when I start seeing martial arts and self-defense expert (and friend) Doug Shaffer who’s going to start whipping my butt into shape (at least I hope so). I am at this “battle of the final ten” (AGAIN!) and I so want to lose those ten. I think martial arts will be good for me. It will challenge my body in new ways to help me lose weight, be leaner and will expand my mind all at the same time. Of course I will let you guys know how it goes. I also need to get my butt to the gym, too. I am so feeling the need to do the elliptical today, and it helps that I go during the day when no one is there. Yeah, that will be good.

And it’s the weekend. I haven’t been too worried about weekends in a while, especially since I am trying to be more Zen about things and not get so upset about an ounce here or there. I just know I have to watch what and how much (ESPECIALLY how much) I eat and I will be OK. I so plan to be down another pound by this time next week. And I will so do a dance of joy when I get back to that goal weight (but not like Elaine, who can’t dance to save her life).

Well, there you have it. I may not have their famed Superman appearance somewhere in every episode but it’s what I got today. There are XYZ number of stories in the naked city and today I’m one of ‘em. And while I am not trying to back into a parking space here or yada-yada something there I am doing my best to keep on this weight loss journey the best I can.

And that my friends is totally sponge-worthy.

Well, this is it. No, it’s neither the biopic released last year showing and detailing (at least in part) the planned series of fifty concerts by Michael Jackson to be held at The O2 arena in London, nor is it the 80s song by Kenny Loggins. It is, in fact, the day before the auditions for Oprah’s “win your OWN show” contest here in the good ol’ Garden State.

I am not really nervous at all about standing in front of a series of strangers telling them about my ideas for my own OWN show. I am, however, nervous and anxious about the actual process which begins for yours truly at around midnight tonight. That’s when I will be getting up and prepping to drive to the Kohl’s Store in Linden to try to secure my place in line since only the first 500 or so people are guaranteed to be seen by the casting directors for the show.

How does all this relate to weight loss you ask? Simple. Today and tomorrow are taking me out of my normal weight loss and maintenance routines just at the  time I have re-engaged my better exercise and eating routines to shed this last two or so pounds before June 9, the anniversary of my mom’s death. Also, not knowing exactly how this process will work I am not sure about food choices tomorrow.  I think I will be OK, though. I am going to pack drinks, healthy snacks and a sandwich in a cooler to bring with me (this way I am not tempted by the Dark Side of the food Force).

Since I have to be up at the crack of, well, er…since I have to get up in the dead of night (insert cheesy, spooky muah ah ah ah-kind of laugh here) I will not be writing a blog post for tomorrow, Saturday, morning. But you can bet your healthy fruit, egg and coffee breakfast on Sunday I will be telling you all about Bill’s Excellent Adventure including what I ate.

Speaking of which, I did really well yesterday, or at least I thought I did. I had a chicken salad sandwich from Chick-Fil-A yesterday. I usually go for their less than 300-calorie Chargrilled Chicken Sandwich (which only has approximately 3.5 grams of fat) but I wanted something different and, since it was hot outside, the coolness of chicken salad peaked my interest.

Sheesh! What a mistake I made! O.K. I know I’m not new and that chicken salad has mayo in it but I didn’t expect a healthy “looking” sandwich to have 500 CALORIES and 20 GRAMS OF FAT!!! Again, as Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy” would say, “What The Deuce?!” Here I thought I’d be having a light sandwich made with the chicken I think is actually seasoned with crack it’s so good and I ended up eating a sandwich that is worse (WORSE) than their own new (AND FRIED) Spicy Chicken Sandwich!

Let’s compare more apples to apples.

In addition to the 500 calories (180 of which are calories from fat) and 20 grams of fat (3.5 of which saturated), my chicken salad sandwich contained 4 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar (!), 52 grams of carbs, 80 grams of cholesterol and 29 grams of protein.

Compare that to their new (and again FRIED) Spicy Chicken Sandwich which has 490 calories (180 of which are calories from fat – same as the chicken salad) and 20 grams of fat (4.0 of which saturated, only 0.5 more), contains 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar (4 grams less)), 46 grams of carbs (6 grams less), 60 grams of cholesterol (a whole 20 grams less) and 31 grams of protein (2 grams more than the chicken salad).

The only significant way I found my “healthier” chicken salad to win was in the sodium department. The chicken salad has 1240 mg of sodium while the new Spicy Chicken Sandwich has 1730 mg.

Now that I think about it, maybe I am new. Damn! What a difference. Here I thought I healthy-looking sandwich on toasted wheat bread would be better for me than a fried chicken sandwich. HA, I tell you! HA! And even though I only bought the sandwich can you imagine if I had their (delicious) Waffle Fries with that? Without a drink that’s close to 1,000 calories!

(Also, did I mention the chicken sald laid a little heavy in my tummy afterward?)

Damn! Maybe I am new after all. See what extra ingredients, processing and mayo do to ya? Well, consider me “edumacated” (and yes, I did purposely misspell that) and know I will be going back to my grilled chicken sandwich if and when I do eat there again.

In the meantime I will continue getting ready for what will hopefully be a “first step into a larger world,” as Obi-Wan Kenobi says in “Star Wars.” And while I am doing that and prepping for the Oprah thing I will be packin’ a 310-calorie cold Italian Hoagie from Wawa. Not only is it a helluva lot healthier (no mayo, build your own with fresh veggies, etc.) but I know it’s 310 calories before I even order it! Wawa has this cool “Meal Builder” way to calculate calories in your food before you get there! It’s awesome! I love Wawa!

Have a great start to your weekend, my friends and check back in on Sunday morning for all the juicy details of how one man (O.K. probably thousands) is trying to live his dream waiting in a long-ass line dragging his cooler along for the ride. If anything it also makes a great stool on which to sit.

Did you guys see the Edward Norton movie version of “The Incredible Hulk?” In it we see how long Norton’s Dr. Bruce Banner has gone without turning into The Hulk by displaying on-screen an electronic tally sheet that lists “days without incident.” Of course you wouldn’t have much of a movie if Banner’s “days without incident” kept going. It would be like watching paint dry or watching a pot of water and waiting for it to boil.

Boring.

Well, I sort of feel like that crossed with the commercial where the cell phone coverage area pops up above someone’s head. It is Day Two of my re-engaging my routine to lose weight and shed these two additional pounds before June 9.  Day Two – That’s what my electronic “days without incident” meter is displaying. I did well yesterday. I exercised and ate really well. I had a chicken breast for lunch with water (yep, no Coca-Cola) and I had a protein-filled steak for dinner with green beans. Totally tasty.

Now before you start saying to me “Bill, you really should lay off red meat,” I know that. I do, and I have been eating more chicken these days. But I am a Chicago boy, born and raised, and I like me my steak. I have also been eating more veggies, too. Green beans, tomatoes, asparagus and salads.  And now that I am trying to re-engage I am realizing how badly I had been stress eating lately.

My newly re-found routine also helps me with this coming weekend, too, and vice-versa. I found out yesterday by taking my long-ass drive to Linden, New Jersey (for the Oprah “win your OWN show” audition) that they will not be allowing camping out overnight and that the line starts at 6:00 a.m. Saturday. Yeah, right. I know I need to get there a few hours before that but at least I will not be homeless for a day or two wondering if/how I will get to continue eating healthily while waiting in line. I get to keep my routine going.

It also answers the question of how I will be able to exercise. I was thinking I would borrow one of my gym’s padded mats and actually do sit-ups, crunches and push-ups in front of the other peeps like me in line. At least I would have been illustrating my show idea in a way.

Today is June 2. This day last year was the last full day my mom, JoAnn, spent in the hospital before being transferred to hospice care. I try not to let sad thoughts enter my brain and I try to concentrate instead on a few other things – the beauty of the blue sky, birds singing and the goal I have set for myself, not to stress eat anymore and lose this two pounds by June 9.

The last thing I want to do is turn into my own food version of “The Incredible Hulk” and yell out “food good” instead of “Hulk smash.” It really is easy to just walk into a store and order up anything. The people behind the counter don’t know you from Adam and don’t know you are trying your best to stay on a weight loss journey. They just do their job and punch in the amount for whatever badness you’re going to consume and call it a day.

That’s why I have to remember my own “days without incident” / phone coverage map above my own head. Others may not be able to see it but I sure know it’s there and I do want its number to increase more and more so I know I’ve learned how to control the raging beast that dwells within me (and yes, that was a nod to the old Hulk TV show of the 70s).

Have a great day.

Happy Monday, everyone! Today is the Memorial Day holiday and I am sitting here at my computer thinking about the week I have coming up this week. It’s going to be weird, fun, trying, adrenaline-filled and cool. And I just need to keep my cool when it comes to food.

Here’s the deal. This coming Saturday is the first live audition for people to possibly win their own show for Oprah and her new OWN network. You guys already know I have submitted a video entry to the “Win Your OWN Show” contest and, according to the rules, anyone can do both the live audition and the recorded one. So I am throwing caution to the wind and doing both, myself.

Here’s the rub. The live auditions are Saturday and they are only seeing the first 500 people of so. What that means for yours truly is I am thinking I will have to get there pretty darn early on Saturday morning to get in line. There is also the distinct possibility that I will have to get in line a day or two early to secure my place in the first 500 as I am sure this will bring out thousands and thousands of people.

And with this in mind a long and strange week begins.

Here’s the deal. Since I don’t know what day the line will start forming I am not quite sure when I will heading up to make myself voluntarily homeless for this once-in-a-lifetime shot.  Yes, yours truly will be doing any and everything he can to make sure he is one of the first 500 in line so he is definitely seen and not heard.

Here’s the rub. I know fer sure (like totally) I will not be blogging on Saturday morning. And if I do have to be in line a day or two early I will not be blogging for those couple of days either because I just don’t think it wise to bring a laptop to the place where I potentially will be sleeping outside with strangers, and I sleep soundly. How soundly do you ask? Well, I’ve slept through one of Chicago’s two extremely rare earthquakes, thunder and lightning storms, you name it, and I don’t want my “Little Blue” (the nickname I gave my netbook) to somehow walk away.

And here’s the promise. You can bet your bottom dollar I will fill you in on ever aspect of everything I go through when Sunday rolls around.

As far as food goes I am at 237 even today which means Bill is a grumpy but re-committed lad. I told you guys yesterday I have been stress eating but after a day of some reflection, some tears and a bit of work I am better.  Being better means I already have this weekend in mind for what I will be eating, so I also have to scope out food sources at the shopping complex or nearby and make sure there is a Wawa (my convenience store of choice) so I can get healthier sandwiches, coffee and water (yep, good ol’ H2O and not Coca-Cola).

Also, I will be working out every day until I have to head on up and camp out. It will be a combination of cardio and weights so that my body knows I mean business because I should be just as committed to that (if not more so) than standing in a line with thousands of my best friends.

They say there is honor among thieves. I certainly hope that’s true especially when it comes to having to get out of line to go to the bathroom. OK, I know that’s T.M.I. but at least it made you laugh. At least I hope it did.

Have a wonderful day my friends, and remember our service people around the world today. It may be the third day of a three-day weekend for you. For them, and for those who made the ultimate sacrifice for which we honor them with this day, it’s about honor, duty and freedom…

…even having the freedom to be weird and camp out to eventually make an ass of oneself to a bunch of producers this coming Saturday. Only in the USA.

It’s almost the end of May, 2010 (do you say twenty-ten, two-thousand and ten, oh hell, I don’t know) and it was this time last year that my mom, JoAnn, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 24, 2009, was lying in a hospital bed dying from that dreaded bitch disease. We were seeing doctors who were trying to make her comfortable and having the difficult conversations about pain management, transferring to hospice and how much time she might have left. If you ever want to know what a really hard conversation is look your wonderful, beautiful mom in the eye and answer her “we’re in a bad way, aren’t we” question with the honest, brutal and damning truth…”yes.”

During the eighteen or so days it took from her diagnosis to death, and in the days after, before I returned to South Jersey, I gained 20 pounds back of the 175 I lost. It was not only easy it was tremendously easy. When you sit in a hospital room all day you might entertain ideas of eating better, healthier and less but that quickly turns into nervously eating shit. There are moments of boredom, fear, dread, sadness, humor, anxiousness, relief…every emotion under the sun. What does it mean? It means your adrenaline has kicked in as the one helping to provide comfort and care and you eat, at least I did to help calm the storm.

When we transferred Mama to hospice I knew it was the end, and so did she, but at least the room she was in wasn’t some cold, antiseptic and functional place. It was warmer, more inviting and soothing and a much more  fitting place for my sweet Mama’s spirit to spend its final days inhabiting her body on Earth.

In hospice, I kept eating. This time I had the comfort of having pizza from Al’s Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria which was mercifully close to the hospice place. Ironically, what made this pizza awesome was the fact it tasted just like the pizza my mom and I had when I was a boy. I had this pizza twice in the six days we were in hospice. I needed it. I welcomed it, like an old friend come by for a visit after twenty years…and we had some catching up to do. I needed a taste of my childhood during those moments of fear, dread and sadness.

I just wish that taste could have come calorie- and fat-free.

Why am I telling you guys all this on a beautiful Sunday morning? Because the countdown has already begun to the last “first” I have to face since my mom’s passing, the actual one-year anniversary of that day, and slowly but surely I have been stress eating again. I can tell you it has been mostly subconscious, eating a few extra things here and there. But that is no excuse. I still get my sweet cravings at night and I feed them sometimes with good things, sometimes with bad, and my weight is slowly creeping back up because of it. Not to mention the silly, stupid dreams I have because I eat late at night (but that’s a whole separate blog post – and one for which you’d need a strong drink or cup of coffee because my dreams can be really strange sometimes).

In trying to be Zen about losing this remaining last ten pounds, which is now eleven-and-a-half, I have said many things which I need to start saying to myself. I do forgive myself this weight. I will re-lose this weight. And I know WHY I am re-gaining this weight. Those things help me, they do. I just need to listen to them and fight my way through this.

Every day I start the day the exact same way, with the blank page. Every writer starts with one, every person starts with one. Each day is what we make of it. Some continue the events of the day before, some bring about new circumstances. But all of them have a component of choice to them and it’s that choice I need to remember as June 9 gets closer and closer.

I swear to you all I will re-lose this weight. I swear it to myself, too. And that, my friends, is the first line on my blank page for today followed very, very closely by my second line…

…Mama, I love you and miss you and your voice very, very much.