Determined To Succeed

Day twenty-two.

It’s quiet this morning. I can actually hear myself think. And what am I thinking about? The fact that I had a weekend that was good, really good, and sober. That I was here and present and a participant in my own life instead of being so detached from it I could hardly remember what day it was. The fact I had great workouts and went shopping, and the fact I now have to re-lose some weight because I have been eating a bit too much again because I am, well, stressed.

If you have ever studied addictive behaviors you will find that people almost always replace one addiction with another and an extremely high percentage of them replace their usual drug of choice with food. Being that I am a dual addict and my first drug of choice WAS food it was easy to begin eating a little bit of this and a little bit of that to deal with the stresses of sobriety. Yes, there are stresses in sobriety. Of course there are, and these stresses are constant because you’re always working on your sobriety, like you’re always working on maintaining your weight loss.

I can’t speak for anyone else out there but I stress because I want to make sure I am now on a clean, good and honest path. Because I always want to do the right things and am not sure if some of the things I say are right or not. I struggle with being the newer, better me and having that have the best parts of my personality and not the shitty parts that dominated it before. I struggle because I never want to go back to old Bill again, either in addiction or in weight, and because I struggle I stress eat.

It’s stupid, I know. I do know better. I know that I shouldn’t eat a stupid gyro wrap from my local diner with fries. That was stupid (especially since it wasn’t very good at all and made my stomach all messed up). It’s stupid because I know in my brain eating doesn’t calm stress, it only adds to it eventually. Sure what I eat may taste good at the time but any addict will tell you that the quieting of the brain during addiction comes from the endorphins produced when you give yourself the drug. But when they wear off you feel ashamed and never want to do it again – you just don’t know how to break the cycle.

I am at 235.9 today and I am pissed off at myself. I am pissed off because I can see in my face my cheeks get chubbier again. I feel bloated. I see the numbers creeping up on the scale. Most of all, though, I am pissed because food is so automatic for me I didn’t realize I was eating too much again until yesterday really. That the old patterns were coming back and I need to arrest them, too, especially if I want to maintain the “high” of being sober in other areas of my life.

Look, food is fuel. It isn’t the answer to a problem. It won’t solve money issues. It won’t make pain go away. It won’t solve what’s going on in your life. Used like this it’s only a distraction, a distraction from what’s really going on inside. But like any addiction you need to recognize you are in need of help, in need of control and in need to stop and face what is really causing you to seek out food (or your drug of choice) in the first place. Today I vow to fight that addiction, too. I made that vow yesterday and did O.K. in my eating. Not the best I could have been (I had an extra helping I shouldn’t have) but I was better and I will strive to be better than that today (no matter how delicious Jersey corn is).

And how will I be better? I will be better in my eating because I will tackle the day as I began my day. Listening to the quiet and hearing myself think. And when I can think like that I have the power to change the things I want to change about myself including that stupid number on my electronic scale. And no matter what, I will think about how I no longer want to feed either addiction. How I just want to be me and the best me I can be.

Cravings. What is it about them? They happen all the time, everywhere. Being an emotional eater I’ve had my share of them lately (especially when I had to drop a very unexpected $2K on my car for maintenance) and I wish I could stop. Milky Way bars, egg rolls, cheese fries, Cinnabon, Auntie Anne’s pretzels and more. As I’m writing this, I have a craving for my usual cup of extra cream, extra crunchy (sugary) coffee.

You know how it is when you get a craving for something. Don’t ya? You’re deep in thought about how to save the planet, the report you have to do the next day at work, errands you have to run – it doesn’t matter. Once that craving hits you it’s like all the other thoughts in your head all somehow lead back to that craving and you try to justify it in any way possible…

“It would certainly help me think better about saving the planet/these errands/this report if I had (insert the name/type of craving you have here) in my tummy.”

I even heard from one of my friends on Twitter today who had a taste for birthday cake this morning – even though it’s eight months until her birthday.

Lately, I’ve had one helluva craving for strawberry ice-cream. I don’t know what it is or why but there are times when I’m just sitting on the couch and all I can think about is having a pint of good ol’ bad-for-you strawberry ice-cream. The last time it hit me was just the other night. I was watching the Chicago Bulls get beaten by the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA Playoffs (I was also craving a little bit of home). I was sitting on the couch wondering how much effort it would take to actually get dressed, drive to the store and purchase a pint. Is that bad? OK, I know the answer to that. “Yes, it is.” But if we had beaming technology I would have been so there at the Wawa (the best convenience stores on the planet) looking over the freezer to find a pint of Haagen-Dazs Strawberry Ice-Cream.

Yum.

I think ultimately I replaced one sweet craving for another. I have done a really good job as of late weaning myself off of Coca-Cola (at least as much of it as I’d been having) so I think at night, when cravings really get bad and my cravings are strongest, instead of reaching for a Coke I want to reach for ice-cream. It just so happens that I’m too damn lazy to get dressed to go get a pint which is a really, really good thing. I have also been doing my best to be Zen about my cravings. I allow myself to have my cravings every now and then so I don’t turn into a miserable, grumpy bastard but I also control them and don’t make them a part of my every day. However, it all means one thing – I soooooo need to go shopping and get some good healthier food in the house. I need to at least follow the advice of the personal trainer, Jorge, I saw recently…

1. Apples and peanut butter is a great mid-day snack.
2. Cheat with a liquid – sugar free Jello, frozen yogurt, water ice or low-cal pudding
3. Cheat with a fat – like eating a cheese steak without the bread, wings, ribs, cheeseburger without the bun

These suggestions may not help me stem my cravings for delicious strawberry ice-cream entirely but seeing my numbers go down gradually on my electronic scale sure as hell does.

There is a definite difference between a nerd, geek and dork. In my opinion, everyone “geeks out” over something because everyone has a passion. Whether that passion is for a TV show or movie, book, potted plant, animal, career, hobby or person it is that passion that drives us to want to learn more about that something. And that drive combined with our passion defines “geeking out.”

By now you guys must have figured out I am something of a geek for not just movies in general (which I am) but for sci-fi especially. One of my favorite things in the sci-fi universe is “Star Trek.” I’ve loved “Star Trek” in all of its forms (except maybe for the weak TV show “Enterprise” and the first few seasons of “Star Trek: Voyager”) since I was a kid. My mom turned me on to that show when all we had was a 13-inch black & white TV. She said, ” here. Watch this. It’s really good and you’ll like it.” And not only did I like it, I loved it. It was cheesy, and corny, but even at that age so was I and just the thought of meeting new species and exploring space, boldly going, was awesome and opened my mind to so many things. Things that, to this day, carry me through my weight loss journey. (Thanks, Mama. I love you)

At the beginning or end of “Star Trek” a voice would utter the now all-too-familiar words “Space. The Final Frontier.” I forget sometimes that, for some, grappling with weight issues is their final frontier. They can be successful is so many other aspects of their lives except when it comes to simply facing what the number will be on the scale. In this they get scared, anxious, resentful, angry and sad – emotions that keep them from exploring the uncharted galaxies of their own potential in weight loss.

I hear so many stories about people who simply avoid the scale altogether, too. Those same emotions, combined with the ignorant and asinine comments of idiots in this world, make something as simple as a first step onto a scale seem like you want to climb Mount Everest.

I have written many times about journeys. No, not the Steve Perry kind (although he should really bury the hatchet and return to the band) but the kind we take in trying to lose weight. I am very fond of saying the journey of a thousand weight loss miles begins with a single step. However I was reminded yesterday that sometimes the first step in that trek can be the scariest and hardest step of all.

I know exactly what it feels like to get weirded out when buying stuff in a store. For many people they feel that way when standing in the local Target figuring out which electronic scale to buy. They get all self-conscious, weird, panicky, sweaty and nervous and just leave. But, my friends, we are all on this journey, this trek, together. That electronic scale is the best friend you will ever have in any weight loss attempt. It will be that friend who never lies or tries to make you feel better. It is honest and true and exactly what you need to begin. It will also be there as you travel that long road and help you set what will eventually be your finish line.

All there is left to do is “boldly go.” It sounds simple but I know it’s not.

I have so been there before. I really have. Being 400 lbs. you bet your ass I have been there before. But I am proof positive you do some out on the other side. It can happen. It does happen. And I have charted many strange, new worlds along my journey. I sought out, and continue to seek out) new foods in new civilizations and cultures so I can “boldly go” where I want to go…the land of living a long and happy life and enjoying a healthier relationship with food.

Yes, weight really can be “the final frontier” for some. But for everyone out there stuck on or near the launch pad…once you finally begin there is no limit to your own potential and what awaits you is a universe of endless potential and possibility.

So as a true child of the 70s/80s remember the words of the immortal Casey Kasem, “keep your feet on the ground (in this case your scale) and keep reaching for the stars.”

What can we say about relationships. Sometimes we have to let people down easy (i.e. it’s not you. It’s me). But this time I am doing the hard break up. This is it. I am going to look at my new BFF and say “This is it. We’re through.”

Who/what am I talking about? I’m talking about the wonderful new Taylor electronic scale I just got yesterday.

Part of my problem is that I had to buy new batteries for the thing right out of the box. Literally. Something I don’t mind doing for products that don’t come with their batteries. But this Taylor scale did. As soon as I opened the box it was supposed to work. I’m not stupid and can read directions but after three times of trying to stand/start the damn thing got me all kinds of mad. So I went to the store, got new batteries and tried again, figuring something happened and the batteries just drained.

Well, it was working fine yesterday. This morning when I got on, nothing. The nifty backlit digital display showed zip.  So two things are apparent to me. 1) This particular Taylor brand electronic scale has a battery design flaw which drains batteries, even new ones, therefore seriously decreasing product life. 2) This is the second Taylor brand electronic scale I have used and I am done with them.

Yep. Done. Through. Fin. Sayonara. Adios. Finished. Good-bye. So it’s time for the break-up…

“Look, Taylor…You’re just letting me down. It used to be that you used to light up (literally) when I entered the room. Now, nothing. You’ve lost juice in this relationship. That spark. You’re not carrying your weight in this relationship and things have gone flat. This morning you wouldn’t even speak to me. So we are done, Taylor. This was the second chance I gave our relationship and you let me down. It’s over.”

How was that? Good and final enough? Well, today, after I take this Taylor brand scale back to the Target from which it came I will head to another store to check other brands. Hopefully there are more out there from which to choose because on this weight loss journey I need to know I can depend on a scale. Not just to tell me the truth but to be one of the instruments that is dependable and helps me on my way.

A final note to Taylor, whose website says “150 years of precision measurement…”

…fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

My friends, good morning to you. Well, I kept my promise to you (and to myself) and purchased a new digital scale.

If you’ve been following me for a while you will know that my scale has been a bit wonky as of late so I took myself to Target yesterday and stood in front of the endcap for at least ten minutes trying to decide which one of these things was I going to buy. As an aside, I always advocate getting an electronic scale because it is far more accurate than the old kind with it’s bounce-back-and-forth wheel-of-fortune hash marks.

I mean, really. There were scales there ranging in price from about $19 – $45, and I was torn between being a cheap – er, I mean, economically frugal – guy and a guy who cares about good quality and accuracy in his weight loss battle. The Weight Watchers scale, which was $45, would do everything including measure your BMI (body mass index). I seriously considered buying that one but then two things hit me. 1) I despise the BMI scale. I think the BMI scale is detrimental because it simply doesn’t take into account a person’s individual build when “calculating” how much they should weigh based on their height and solely on height. 2) It really wasn’t work an extra $15, especially in today’s economy, to get that one when the next one down looked good, just as pur-ty and did almost all the same things.

So, I went with a scale that was mid-range. As a man with heft I always like buying electronics that have heft (clue: to a guy that means it’s sturdier and works better) so I took a deep breath and bought the Taylor brand scale with it’s extra-large readout screen that glows at night (for that oh-so-important need to read the scale but not necessarily see yourself in the process). I was at first skeptical of Taylor because the supposed “long-life” scale I purchased about two years ago. That one was supposed to last me a millennia or something like that and I trusted it…that is until it LIED to me and started telling me what I wanted to hear and not what I needed to hear.

After a frustrating bit replacing the batteries in my “brand new” scale (grrrr – if you buy one take it out of the box and try it in the store) I got on and holy s$%t was my old scale off. It had been lying to me for some time and wow did I buy it. Like a friend who says “oh no, you’re not fat.” Turns out that old, broken-down scale was 12 pounds off.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

While that 12 pounds was my guess (remember I thought it was at least ten off) I wasn’t prepared to see 238 again on the scale. Egads, I’ve been slacking off and eating waaaaaaay too much bad food. I do get up and work out every day but wow, I now know I need to cut back on food again and re-lose (sigh, again) 13 lbs.

I am grateful to my new electronic scale friend. It is that friend we all NEED in this weight loss journey, the kind that will not lie to you and let’s you know exactly what’s up. That old scale is the friend you don’t need but sometimes WANT, who while there on the journey, comforts you when it really should be kicking you in the pants and telling you “no, that’s not good and you need to work harder.”

Stupid scale.

Well, I just want you guys to know I am human and I now have an accurate-as-hell scale to tell me my butt needs to lose weight. But I will. Not just because that’s part of my covenant to you guys as a human being but because I finally can stop living in my dream world of the number I want to see and start living in the now.

Ugh.