Determined To Succeed

Happy weekend and day one-hundred-thirty-one, my friends.

Now that I am back to being healthy (at least I feel like a million bucks compared to how I felt week before last) I am starting to slowly get back on the horse and exercise again. But I must admit when I do I get nervous. Just a few weeks ago I was in really shaky shape physically. I lost 2/3 of my blood and, according to my doctor, that REALLY wasn’t good. In fact, I might not have recovered. That is a scary proposition for a guy, especially for one who is finally seeing life with new eyes and who has a goal of never being the old Bill ever again, physically or otherwise.

During my hospital stay I gained weight. I knew I would because I wasn’t exercising. For me, it’s not just eating better or lighter it’s also physical activity that helps me lose weight. Even on the clear liquid diet I was on in the hospital I gained weight (especially from all the fluids they were pumping me with). When I was discharged I asked how long it would be until I could exercise again and they said “take it slow and exercise gradually until you build yourself back up to where you were which may take a couple of months.”

A couple of months?! Sheesh. OK, I admit, that freaked me out, too. Since dropping this weight, and regaining twenty, I have been trying my best to get rid of it and stay at or near my goal weight. But being out of the hospital and NOT being able to exercise is a trick, especially since being re-introduced to solid foods – foods which, of course, make you gain weight.

I know. I know. I’m supposed to help my body (and blood) recoup by eating and making sure it has the nutrients it needs to do that. Not to mention eating is a part of life and I can ever ignore that. But I know my body and it doesn’t let go of weight unless I sweat to the oldies in the gym on an elliptical or by doing my punches and kicks.

However, something in me has changed physically and I can’t ignore that. I have always told all of you that you should consult a doctor before doing any new and strenuous exercises and it’s time I took my own advice. I am human and like all humans I think I am invincible, that I can do anything I want and have it not affect me. But that is not the case. I could have died because of the amount of blood I lost, and I am lucky I didn’t. I am lucky I lost this weight in the first place so my heart wasn’t lugging around an extra 165-plus pounds on my frame. I was lucky I listened to reason and called my doctor when I knew I wasn’t “right.” I was lucky to get a second chance with this, too, and I am not about to blow it because of a desire to go sweat and get that weight off yesterday.

So I am letting go. I am letting go of that urgency. I will only be doing what I can, especially in this recovery period. I was scared and I should still be concerned about doing too much too soon in all of this. If I lose a pound or two every month or so I will be happy. Hell, I will be happy just maintaining my weight through the holidays (as we all are, I’m sure). I will let go of all that because I have to take care of myself. I recently got out of the hospital for God’s sake and I’m not about to go screw myself up more by becoming “The Biggest Loser” overnight.

So there you have it, my friends. My new outlook. Funny how a stay in the hospital (and a taste of mortality) can change a perspective. We are all in this together but I will say it again and again and again, be careful doing the things you do to lose weight. Do it naturally as much as possible. It is a true change in lifestyle, not a quick fix you can employ and expect to do wonders. Do it wisely and talk to a doctor and see what’s best and right for you. Most of all, don’t over do it. Do what you can and be happy you can do something at all. And remember, we are all on this earth for such a short time. Make the most of it by enjoying and appreciating life and those in your lives. I know I do, every single day. That, a healthier diet and some exercise every now and then will, at least in my humble opinion, be the best thing we all can do to be on this earth for as long as possible.

Have a great weekend and I will talk to you all next week on my regular Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule.

Hello and happy new week and day one-hundred-twenty-eight, my friends. I know. I know. I promised I would write yesterday but the day got broken up more than I thought and I didn’t have the time I thought I would have. I am so sorry about that. But here I am, back at my keyboard, raring to go.

Gasp and sigh. I am 40 now. I achieved that milestone birthday on December 12th. However, while others lament turning 40 I am embracing it and am very proud of the short little grey hairs on my chinny-chin-chin and the “salt” that is starting to be sprinkled in with my “pepper.” But even though I was (and am still) looking forward to 40, I had something of a health scare. As I mentioned in my last blog, I have been diagnosed with diverticulosis.  It was so bad doctors had to be called and I was in the hospital for a few days. This is not exactly how I wanted to start prepping for my 40th birthday…not by a longshot… and everything, including this weight loss blog, had to be put aside for a bit so I could properly recover. This meant not being able to exercise. Add to that that I had to eat and, well, you can imagine the sigh that came out of me when I stepped on the scale and saw 248.9 on my scale.

Sigh, indeed.

That is of little consequence, though. Not only did I get through the worst health scare of my entire life (ironically, save for the time when I was born and had to be hospitalized for pneumonia and bronchitis) but I will be able to do everything I did before, including exercise to re-lose this weight. Yes, that means I know I will re-lose that weight again and that I had to gain it back to help my body get better. Sometimes we need that trade-off with ourselves so we take proper care of ourselves.

Did I mention I have to drink metamucil and take an iron pill every day for the rest of my life, too?  I am becoming an old man (O.K., that was a joke, and the metamucil makes a kick ass pink lemonade).

My friends, I have a slightly different perspective today than I had in months past. I am lucky to be here and that means knowing I have to take care of my health first and foremost in all of this and if drinking that stuff and taking it easier is what I need to do to stay on this planet then, dammit, that’s what I’m gonna do. I will be getting back to exercising, too, don’t get me wrong (after all, I do want to re-lose this weight also to be healthier) but I will be doing it as I can so as not to over-exert myself as my body builds itself back up again.

Yes, this 40th birthday of mine has been full in introspection, prayer and relief. I am lucky to be here on this planet and I thank God every day for that. I also thank the spirit of my mom, JoAnn, for looking out for me the way she always does. Moms are always there when you need them and my mom was right beside me, too. What does that all mean? It means I am going to make the most of this new lease. I will exercise. I will eat better (and more fiberous) foods. Most of all, I will embrace my life, especially now that I am 40 so that I can say – WAY THE HELL DOWN THE ROAD WHEN I AM 95 – that I made the most of the life I have and this is just the physical part of my rebuilding to go along with the mental and emotional rebuilding parts. And as the rest of me gets this “tune up” I am thinking ever so much about the 40 things I want to do at 40, a list I will be sharing with you guys tomorrow.

For now, I’m just going to thank God some more that I am here looking at a pretty, albeit chilly, day here in southern New Jersey and that I made it to 40. Now is the time to seize life and not take it for granted anymore. I’m going to write today, take care of a few errands and just be thankful about the ability to drink metamucil. Oh, and if you know and/or feel something is wrong GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR!!! I can’t stress that enough.

My friends, happy weekend and day one-hundred-sixteen!

I first of all have to apologize to all of you for not writing a blog on Wednesday of this past week. You see, I was not well at all and had to take this week off in order to recoup. It was so bad doctors were called (I have been diagnosed with diverticulosis) and everything, including this weight loss blog, had to be put aside for a bit so I could properly recover.

While I am on the mend and feeling a helluva lot better than I have this past week (as you’ve read – it was the cause of my serious dizziness), I am troubled. Not just because this is a crappy way to ring-in this holiday season AND my upcoming 40th birthday) I now have to modify my diet to include and/or exclude certain foods. Even some foods I love (corn, nuts, popcorn and – egads! – strawberries, among others) have to be seriously curtailed because, it seems, they aggravate the condition. This sucks! I love my strawberries (and strawberry ice-cream), nuts and corn! Bah! I am troubled because, for the first time in my weight loss journey, I now have to officially modify my diet.

As you all know I lost weight not using any kind of specific food regimen. I still ate what I wanted when I wanted it. I simply cut back (as much as I could) on the portions. I still ate Chinese food, drank regular Coca-Cola and had Milky Way bars. However, those things became treats. I also exercised as much as I could, too (the two do go hand-in-hand). But now I have to make food choices based on medicine and science and I don’t want it to seem like I am changing my tune in this whole thing.

I am not giving up the foods I described (and there are more) because they are part of some secret society, new wave diet plan-of-the-stars. It doesn’t have a flashy name like Weight Watchers or Jenny Craig. It is simply diverticulosis, a condition that, believe-you-me, you don’t want to have and not just because of the food restrictions.

On the plus side, diverticulosis does have a few decent things in store for my menu – eating more whole grains, leafy green vegetables, and fruits. See, not so bad, especially since we all should be doing that anyway. About that, I am excited. I am also excited about the final thing actually used to combat diverticulosis, exercise. It helps the condition by aiding digestion. Again something we should all be doing anyway.

I hate to drop this kind of blog on you guys like this but I had to explain what is going on (I did always promise to let you know the ups and downs, after all). I just wanted you to know I hadn’t given in and jumped into a program of some sort (not that it is wrong to do so or that people who do it are wrong – in fact, if it works for you go and run with it and more power to you if it helps). My way works for me. It has already and will for the rest of my life. I also wanted to let you guys know I am taking a vacation from writing until December 13, 2011. On that date I hope to be rested, as fully recovered as I can be and ready to share my list of 40 things I want to do in my 40^th year.

As we enter the fever of the holiday season (and I wish all people of all faiths good tidings and well wishes this season) remember to be as strong as you can. I know I will. It may be a crappy way, as I said earlier, to celebrate tidings of comfort and joy but I am happy to just be here. As soon as I am physically able again I’m going to work out so I can get back to that always-mentioned goal weight of mine. Most importantly keep in mind the blessings we have in our lives. I know I will, including the gift of being able to have a medical problem diagnosed before it got me to a far worse health state. All I will say is “whew, that was a close one” and leave it at that.

Have a great week-and-a-half, my friends. I will be bright-eyed, bushy-tailed and ever-so-slightly older when next we meet on these pages. Until then, know I appreciate you all and that I am right there with you in this battle to lose weight. As cheesy as it will sound I, too, am DETERMINED TO SUCCEED.

Day ninety-five.

Why the hell are mashed potatoes so damned good? I mean, they are only boiled potatoes, some milk (or creamy salad dressing like garlic or ranch), butter and salt. That’s all. Not very complicated at all, but then again many masterpieces are simple especially with food. And damned if that particular comination, while awesome, is also deadly. Deadly in terms of not being able to exercise portion control, deadly in terms of calories and deadly in terms of putting you in a straight-up food coma like it did for me last night.

There I was last night, minding my own business, having a fist-sized portion of meat loaf (just the right size) and delicious peas and there they were, staring at me from their Corning Ware fortress planning their attack. There they sat just waiting for me to come to them because they knew I would. Their allies, butter and salt were waiting on either flank to close in on the attack. I fell for it and they sprang into action. I added a big heaping deliciously warm lot to my plate and added butter (well, I added “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter”) and salt. Oooooooooh, damn, were they delicious. But I shouldn’t have had that second helping…no matter how fun it is to eat mashed potatoes with peas. Ugh.

I am so damn lucky today because I only went up in my weight three ounces. I am at 239.7 and I must – MUST – get my ass to the gym today to workout before a couple of appointments this afternoon. For breakfast I had two small cinnamon rolls from Pillsbury (slightly stale) and I’m raring to go. But lurking in the refrigerator, gathering its forces for the inevitable attack is the dish of mashed potatoes, cold and dormant but waiting for the chance to be reheated.

Was all of that just a stupid, overly-dramatic way to say I shouldn’t have had two helpings of mashed potatoes last night because I ate too much and I fell asleep on my couch? Yes. But is it how I feel about some foods I am doing my best to control? Yes.

There are times in every food addict’s life when we all know and recognize what foods are danger foods. I have been doing great at ignoring and passing up the Chinese food lately. Not since that binge last month have I even looked at Chinese food, and I have been shopping and cooking at home consistently. It’s just that anything potato-ey is yummy goodness and I have to do my best to watch that, too. I may be eating at home but I can still set myself up for failure if I make things that are bad for me AND have them in unhealthy portions.

Today I am set in my ways and will be better. In fact the next time I write you I will have exercised AND eaten light, and that is the only deadly combination I want to face today, because it is on the good side of things. My side.

Day eighty-one.

Ugh. I am fighting an “attack of the lazies.” You know what I’m talkin’ about (Willis). That “come hither” call you get from your couch or favorite chair to make yourself comfortable, turn on the boob tube and find something that allows you to sink down and waste the day watching this or that. But that’s exactly what it is, at least to me, a waste. Sure, are there days when laying back and enjoying are cool? You bet your ass. But when there is no bloody good damned reason for you to be laying there other than re-watching a movie you’ve seen a hundred times then it’s time to get up and get your move on.

Yesterday, I had a great mixed martial arts session with Sensei Doug and sweated my ass off. There’s nothing like a great workout to try to get the mind right. I also ate better. Not that I haven’t been trying but I seriously curtailed the Coke Zero and cut down on the chocolate (weening is a slow process). For my efforts I am down a half-pound today (239.4) and I’ll take it.

See, getting my move on helped.

One of my problems, though, is staying “in the zone” to workout. I wake up in the morning all full of energy to workout and I find I still have to convince myself to do it later on. I mean nothing really changes in the couple/few hours between waking up and having the time. It’s just that I get lazy. That’s the honest way to say it. I just get lazy sometimes and lose the want and desire to get my move on. But I know I can’t today. During my workout yesterday my right hip (and my hips in general) were so tight it was uncomfortable to do some of the yoga stretches after the workout. That’s not cool. So today when I hit the gym (AND I WILL BE HITTING THE GYM) I will focus on stretches in addition to other sweaty stuff so that my workouts are better…

…and so that I don’t feel like a slug.

I am human and fight that vicious cycle we all go through. I want to lose weight and I know I have to exercise and eat right doing it. But there are times I don’t feel like it (and get lazy), so my weight stays the same or goes up and I get all frustrated. It is a cycle and one I try to break, mainly because I recognize it when it happens. I just need to keep that energy up to make exercise happen. So today I’m getting my ass up, getting my move on and working out. And it’s not that I am feeling bad or am hurting that bad. I am just fighting that attack of the lazies I get every now and then. That’s all. So all I need to take is two miles on the elliptical and call myself in the morning.

The lazies may be a fun bunch to hang out with. They can always find SOMETHING on television to watch, even when crap is on. But today is nice (I am sure THE last over 70-degree day we will have in Jersey until next Spring so I need to get up, grab a shower and start the day keeping in mind that the more I move the more that numnber on the scale will go down.

You hear that, you lazies? I want that a helluva lot more than a re-re-re-re-re-run of, well, anything.

Day sixty-eight.

So did you guys do it? Did you go to MSN.COM and answer the questions and use the “life expectancy calculator?” I hope you did because it sure as hell was an eye-opener for me. Just finding out I added almost 20 years to my life by losing weight was incredible. However, I also found out that I now have time added on to do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of my size. But more on that later…

It’s Friday and happy weekend. I am sitting here continuing my downward trend in weight loss and am at 237 even today. Woohoo. And that’s before my awesome mixed martial arts workout later this afternoon. But it is the weekend and you guys know I worry about over doing it with too much food and not enough exercise. I wish we could always stay the weight we want to achieve but, without hard work, we cannot. Sigh.

In less than two months I will hit the big 40! I so want to re-achieve my weight loss goal by then (and hopefully not add anymore weight in celebrating). There are also so many other things I want to do in life – like skydive – that I never would have been able to do had I not lost this weight. So I am compiling a list in my head of certain things I want to do which I will tell you guys about closer to my birthday. In the meantime, we have to tackle the here and now and that means the upcoming weekend.

I feel like an episode of “The Event” today, jumping all over the place in this blog which is weird and I’m sorry. I just feel a bit scattered today. I have lots of stuff to try to get done and they’re all on my mind. One of the things on my mind, though, was the movie I saw last night. I went to go see “Easy A,” which was both funny and cute (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson steal the movie as Emma Stone’s parents, but that’s not why it’s on my mind). Seeing the movie’s on my mind because the theater itself had double-wide seats in its auditoriums. Now, I’m sure that the seats, which resembled a slightly smaller love seat or a swing bench in size, were not necessarily meant for people of size. It’s probably meant for couples who just want to get cozy watching a flick. But I couldn’t help but wonder if larger people use those seats because they are more comfortable. I know I would have back when I was 400.

Yep, back then, when I needed seatbelt extenders, chairs with no arms in restaurants, etc., I would have jumped at the chance to sit in one of those prime seats just to have the “wiggle room.” It would have made me comfortable and probably would have helped my arthritic knee be able to stretch by not being locked into the “L” position all crammed in watching something.

The downside to all that, though, would have been the corrosive comments made by other theater patrons seeing my 400-pound butt go for the “date seat.” So I asked myself last night “would it have been worth it?” The answer is yes and no. No, for obvious reasons like I never like being made fun of. Yes, because I would have been way more comfortable especially in a world where smaller seats (revenue generators that they are) seem to be the norm. Ironic these seats were in the auditorium showing a movie about a person who has to suffer the slings and arrows of society based on prejudices (O.K., that is a loose interpretation but work with me here).

When I left the movies last night I tried to leave the image of the date seat in the theater but I couldn’t. It’s hard to shake the past and even harder to NOT imagine myself as that 400 pound guy sometimes. So I said a slight, silent prayer for anyone who has to use those seats in the future. I hoped they would enjoy the movie in comfort and in peace free of the comments of close-minded assholes who always have to make comments about something or someone. I also thanked God I don’t have to now. Not because of the comments but because of what I mentioned at the beginning of today’s weekend blog. I now have so many more years added onto my life and the opportunities to do so many more things. That’s all.

I will always remember from where I came, especially on day sixty-eight of my sobriety. So many people use food amongst other things to numb pain and shame and I don’t ever want to do that again, especially because it could take years off my life and lead me right to that special seat at the theater. So as my birthday approaches I feel a sense of re-birth. I want 40 to be the best year of my life (so far) so I can do whatever I want to do…and sit wherever I want to sit no matter where I go…gray hairs and all.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Talk to you on Monday.

Day thirty-nine.

I have a neighbor whose name is Hector. He lives just around the corner from me and he’s a friendly guy. He is always walking around the neighborhood saying “hello” to people and he always has a smile on his face whenever you see him and every day Monday through Friday he is off to enjoy a day’s worth of activities someplace nearby. Seeing Hector and hearing Hector makes me feel lucky in so many ways every single day. Why? Because Hector is physically and mentally challenged.

I am not sure exactly from what or which challenge Hector suffers but it’s clear. Whenever I see Hector he always says “hey” and I always say “hey” back but what I really want to say is “you poor guy. I am so sorry you are afflicted the way you are.” But does he or would he ever want my pity? No. He, I assume, would just want my simple understanding that he is different. That’s all. Of course he can’t run, jump or even carry on a conversation at the level you and I are used to. But in Hector’s disability comes an incredible ability – the ability to just smile and try to appreciate the life he has.

I am quite sure he and his family go through the same things other families go through when a person can’t take care of themselves. They get frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious and tired and want some type of “vacation” away from the responsibility for that level of care. My aunt told me as much taking care of my mom, JoAnn’s, during her final months and in a letter or two after she died. It is a hefty burden, indeed, to care for someone that way but it makes me think about where my life has taken me in these almost 40 years.

Over 40 days ago I was in the throws of addiction and didn’t know how, when or where to get help. But thanks to the catastrophic failures I experienced I am now on a path of sobriety and recovery. I can again really taste food, enjoy it, enjoy being outside, exercising and more…and all because my heart, mind and soul are all now one again and in the same place. It’s sad, though. Before, when I was much sicker, I never thought about the lessons Hector could teach me. Now that I can think clearly I can see the absolute lessons God, my mom’s spirit and the universe are throwing my way.

Life is just too fucking short sometimes. You hear all the time about teens having their lives cut short in accidents or by health conditions about which they didn’t know. You see on the news horrific stories about people disgruntled at work grabbing a gun and blowing people away (which unfortunately happened recently in the Philadelphia area) just because of disagreements and perceived animosities. And you see all the time people who need help just walking down the street but who give it their absolute best because they are trying to cling to what’s left of their independence. But here I was pissing my life away with addictions, which did include food, wasting the gifts I was given for such a long time.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Well, so is health sometimes.

I would dare me, you, kids these days – anybody – to trade places with Hector for just five minutes. Use some sci-fi machinery to switch bodies for just five minutes and I would bet you anything, ANYTHING, that each and every person who did that would forever appreciate even the simplest of gifts like mobility and speech, gifts we all too often take for granted. In these sobering days I am soooooo appreciating life in ways I never imagined before because I could see where my life was going and where I would have ended up. I have always said to you I know I would have died sooner and not later if I stayed at 400 pounds and I will believe that until the day I see my mom again.

Why am I so down today? I’m not really, for if you listen you will hear the voice of someone who is breathing again and someone who is loving life and who will always do his best from now on to live each day well and appreciate everything in it. Even the simple ability to type out this silly weight loss blog every damn day is a gift, as is the gift of being able to exercise, take my mixed martial arts class and keep my weight in check so I can enjoy activities I’ve never done before. I will also no longer be bad about my eating because I don’t want to gain that weight back for if I did, that would be spitting in the face of all we work so hard to do every single day to maintain weight loss. It would also insult my mom. No,  I will not squander life and it’s gifts, including time, ever, EVER again.

So, the next time you are down about anything go for a walk, exercise, write a letter or talk to a friend. They may seem like simple things to you and me but these are all things Hector can’t do. And just when you think life isn’t going your way remember I know one guy who lives just around the corner who, I’m sure, would be more than happy to trade places with any one of us in a heartbeat to live the lives we live and be free from his own limitations.

Day twenty-three.

“Ugh.” That’s all I have to say. I am finally up and around today after having a massive allergy attack last night. You know the kind I mean. The ones where you sneeze yourself into a headache (where you can’t stop sneezing at all), where your eyes are all puffy, throat is all drippy and nothing seems to help much. So I say again, “ugh!” Although, and on a positive note,  I did alright food-wise having had a great homemade beef stew. Not only that but only having an appropriate portion of it, too. This way I have lunch AND dinner tonight as well. Awesome.

It just sucks ass when your sick. That sneezing, head-achy allergy attack turned into something of a summer cold and my throat is dry and hurting today. Now, the good news about all that is that I do not feel like eating. The bad news is I don’t feel much like doing anything today except, well, laying around saying “ugh.”

Let’s talk for a moment about the virtues of lying on one’s couch flipping channels. You get to catch up on talk shows, game shows and “reality” TV (reality is in quotes because, if you know anything about TV, there ain’t much of it that’s real. It’s contrived and staged with heroes, villains and victims just like scripted TV shows). Or, you get to catch up on a good book or a few movies, whether they’re on cable or in your DVD cue. You get to curl up with one of the best inventions ever – the heating pad – and just be a slug, allowing your body to get the rest it needs to get better.

Now, let’s talk about the bad parts of just lying around. Nothing gets done. Not work, exercise, errands, exercise, laundry, exercise, cleaning and, most of all, exercise (did I mention that already?). And when you do flip channels you realize that the only thing on the tele is crap because 90% of the country is at work so they put on reruns of crap, marathons of whichever “Housewives of” show is being aired and show you what antics Snooki and Jwoww are up to at the “Jersey Shore.” And never mind the fact cable, especially premium channels, are running the same three movies ALL THE TIME. I mean seriously, how many times can the Decepticons take revenge against the Autobots while Shia LaBeouf yells “no, no, no, no, no, no!”

So there’s my catch 22. Rest or push myself. The fact of the matter with me is that I do embrace being sick, I do, and I am content with lying around putting up with bad TV and excessive reruns if it gets me better faster so I can rejoin life. But with these extra pounds to lose I am torn. I wish I could sneeze them out and throw them away in little wadded-up balls of tissue. But I can’t. It takes work, work (and workouts) that I have almost zero energy for today.

So maybe I will compromise with myself. I will get going and do some work and maybe, MAYBE, if I am up to it, go for a walk later. At least that will be something. And it might do me well to get out for a bit and let the hot end-of-summer air work its magic on my nostrils and nasal cavities. That sounds good, but then again so does my couch. Alright, alright, I will get up though and do something to start.

Thanks for listening to me rant today. Being in a weight loss struggle ain’t easy, especially when you’re sick. But good and bad, we are in this together. Hopefully, I will be better enough to kick the bag decently tomorrow in martial arts class. Hell, even the energy for that walk today would be good. But no matter what, I am just thankful to be here, present and sober today. And sick or not, that is an amazing feeling, even when you start the day saying “ugh.”

Day fifteen.

It’s a bright and sunny day today.The sky is clear, absolutely clear and the rest of the day lies ahead. How many times did I say that to try to look at the day optimistically? To make the most of the time and beauty in a day? Many, many times, I know. And there were times, especially in my weight loss, where I did make the most of that time, like when I made time to get a workout. But in my addiction that gradually regressed until many of my days were pissed away with me only doing the bare minimum.

I attended my fourth twelve-step meeting yesterday and my first direct appointment on Saturday, and both were great at helping cut through the stuff and get to the core of what brought me to this point.  It was the fear of not being liked and it was that fear that truly got me so far away from who I was that I lost sight of me for a long, long time…and made me eventually lose sight of my religion, as well.

When I say religion I do not necessarily mean going to church and praying, although there is a component to that, too. No, I meant my religion in terms of taking care of myself and working out. These past couple of weeks have truly challenged me into acknowledging how much I let that slip in all this. I am a believer in God. I know there are many variations of higher beings out there for many different people and beliefs, and that’s cool. But I do believe in God and as much as I haven’t attended actual church I stopped praying at the alter of the elliptical, free weights and leg presses, too.

This last week specifically I have been making that time to reconnect with working out. I added in at least one hour every day solely dedicated to hitting the gym. And almost every day last week (save for one where it was unavoidable to not workout) I got my ass back to the gym to not only supplement the martial arts training but to get back to my core, the man I want to become physically, too. And it’s working. It really is working.

Like I said attending the meetings has been such a wonderful thing in so many ways, but it also serves as a reminder that I do have an obligation to restore the healthy in my life and to strive for that every single day because some people cannot or do not have the strength to do that. The meetings are the great reminder of one’s core gifts, and while we are all the same in that room you can tell, just tell, who is O.K. coming out of a meeting and who is holding on this/close to losing it all.

I came that close. I really did. Everything that’s happened has brought me to a point in life where I not only really face me for the first time but also deal with what’s really going on inside, what really made me act this way. I am actually excited again about things, among them going back to “church.” My church. The church of the gym and of fitness. The only thing I did right all this time was lose weight and I have to keep doing it right if for no one else than myself. But also for you guys, too.

We all lose our way. I know we do. In the twelve-step meetings they explain how there is no shame and no judgment. Just a way to connect with people going through the same stuff so you do know you’re not alone. The same can be said for this blog. I am human. I’ve always said that. I slip up and eat shit I’m not supposed to and there are days I don’t feel like working out. But there is no way we will get the results we want until we address our stuff and get to work. Not just physically but mentally, and not just mentally but physically. Plain and simple.

These past couple of weeks, part of what’s saved me and made my mind free is that exercise, the actual sweating, kicking and hitting a bag, doing six push-ups kind of exercise. Also, part of what’s saved me is the actual going to the gym by myself and hitting the elliptical, doing my kicks and punches in there, too, my tricep dips and my crunch turns. That is awesome. I am glad to say I am getting back in touch with religion. I know we all don’t believe in God, or a God, or even have something/someone to whom to pray. But that’s alright. That is a very personal thing, and it’s for each and every one of us to find whether we pray at the alter of the Lord or pray at the alter of the gym.

Thankfully, these days I’ve been doing both.

Ugh. It’s Monday, I am back from my high school reunion and I am up a couple of pounds (and here I thought I ate O.K. over the weekend). Guess I need to add Chicago-style hot dogs to the list of things that are REALLY bad (like Chinese food) that I shouldn’t have despite their tempting aroma and seemingly light nature.

Hurmph. That just means I need to get my butt up and moving today, that’s all. It means I have to get my butt to the gym to get in a workout, and I will. It reminds me of a column I wrote inspired by the musical (yes, musical!) “Rent,” and one of its songs, “Seasons of Love.”

“…525,600 minutes. 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes – how do you measure,
measure a year? In daylights? In sunsets? In midnights? In cups of coffee? In
inches? In miles? In laughter? In strife? In 525,600 minutes, how do you
measure a year in the life?”
When I originally wrote that column I did some thinking and broke down a typical week based not on what we do but on how much time there is to do it.

There are 10,080 minutes in a week. We spend roughly 3,360 minutes sleeping (based on an average of 8 hours sleep per night seven nights a week multiplied by 60 minutes in an hour) and approximately 2,400 minutes working (assuming we’re able to pry ourselves away from work to make it only 40 hours a week these days). That leaves approximately 4,320 minutes to live and catch up on life. In that time we have to do laundry, run to the store, pick up dry cleaning and simply try to recharge our batteries before the 10,080 minutes start all over again.

How many of those precious minutes do you devote to yourself? And I don’t mean to simply do chores and catch up on basics. I mean really devote to just yourself in some way, shape or form? It seems in the past few years especially the lives of so many people hinge on running from meeting to meeting and being scheduled for every minute of every day. Scheduled so much so that we always jettison our plans for ourselves in favor of spending that energy and time on other things and people. We say, “I don’t have time for that today.”

But you need to make that time. We have to say “enough” to our crazy/busy schedules and devote time to number one – us – so that we become top priority, particularly in our weight loss battles.

I said it in that column (the “old” referenced in the title of this blog) and I will say it here (the “new”) – the 60 minutes I devote to exercise is some of the most important and precious time for me. Those are the minutes that get my engine going, set the tone for my week and help save and prolong my life. They also help me keep the covenant I’ve made with you guys to always work on me and my current Battle of the Final (oh, we won’t mention that just now).

We don’t do that enough and time is too precious, and not just in regards to exercising but in giving ourselves time to do simple things that make us feel good about ourselves, like getting a manicure or pedicure, a haircut or do a little bit of shopping to get some newer, smaller clothing as reward for our hard work losing weight. Small things done to make us feel good about ourselves which, in turn, help inspire us to stay on track with eating better and exercising.

Think about it another way. In your life, aren’t there days and even weeks when you feel as though you don’t have two of those 10,080 minutes to rub together? Those are the times that can cause people to slip into some unhealthy eating patterns – like grabbing cookies or a hot dog or pizza on the run for lunch because they’re fast, readily available and good “one-handed” foods.

So as I greet this (ugh) Monday and start of a new week I smile to myself. I smile because I’m making that time in my days and weeks to continue to try to lose and maintain my weight, to work on me to feel better as that 10,080 minutes begins anew.