Determined To Succeed

Happy New Year, my friends, and happy day one-hundred-forty-nine.

I know I haven’t written in such a long while (two weeks to be exact) and I’m so sorry about that. The sad truth is I fell off the radar because I fell off the wagon a bit partially because I had to take it easy recouping from my diverticulosis (which meant not exercising as much) and partially because, well, I grew lazy and ate more than I should. I know better, I really do, but having my hospital stay take place over the holiday, with all of its foods and trappings, made even maintaining my weight a challenge. But I am happy to say that today I stepped on the scale and am down a pound-and-a-half from the last time I wrote (my weight today is 247.2) and I am ready to kick this new year’s ass in terms of getting back to my weight loss goal.

For those of you old enough to remember the original “Battlestar Galactica” TV show I remind myself of the Lorne Green voice-over during the opening to the show which told of how Commander Adama and his rag-tag fugitive fleet of refugee ships was trying to make it home to a shining planet known as Earth. I am also reminded of the old Japanese anime TV show called “Star Blazers” in which the protagonists are counting down the days they have because they only have a year to get back to Earth to defend it against some-such this or that (if I am remembering it correctly). In both cases, and I am sure many more, the good guys in those shows are always on the journey to reach something, whether that is a destination like Earth, a thing like a precious gem or trying to beat time. Well, my friends, on this fourth day of the year I feel I am doing all of the above.

I have been fighting this battle of the bulge all my life but trying to re-re-re-lose these last twenty (now twenty-two) pounds has been the goal since I regained that weight when my mom, JoAnn Larson, died. I have gotten to within a few pounds then it all seemed to go to hell. But just four days into the new year I am chucking my aspirations to lose that weight in with the rest of everyone who is looking at the new year for a chance to begin again. I will take that chance, thank you very much, and raise you many more things to do. let me explain…

…A while back I wrote you guys in this blog and told you all about a list of 40 things I wanted to do now that I reached the awesome age of 40, my 40/40 list. That’s right, I am embracing not only the fact I have turned 40 but that I am no longer wasting time. This year is only 4 days old and I have already knocked a couple of things off my list. O.K., they might be easier to do than others but it is something. So, here is my list (even though I’ve come up with 28 or so). I intend for them to be done from now until December 31, 2011. Here they are with more to come (as I think of them – it‘s hard to think of 40 things):

See, ain’t that cool? So far since turning 40 I’ve seen the Grand Canyon, I’ve seen those beautiful bald eagles in the wild and have shaved off my beard and mustache. It is wild seeing my entire face not covered by hair. Yikes! I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that. Most of all, though, I am resetting my gears to finally take that stupid twenty-two pounds off once and for all and get back to being 225. Not only is it on my list but it’s the one I will be working on the rest of my life. So after this, my friends, I am off to the gym to keep up the postive downward trend. We may only be four days into the new year but times-a-wasting, and I wish no longer to lose time doing what I should have been doing all along…taking care of myself and using the time I have on this earth to embrace life, not waste it. Have a wonderful first week back to the grind. I will write again soon and check back in. You all rock! PS: The photo of the bald eagle I took on New Year’s Day in Maryland. It’s awesome to see flocks of bald eagles. It truly is. As for seeing my face? Eh, not so much. I want my beard and mustache back

Happy weekend and day one-hundred-thirty-one, my friends.

Now that I am back to being healthy (at least I feel like a million bucks compared to how I felt week before last) I am starting to slowly get back on the horse and exercise again. But I must admit when I do I get nervous. Just a few weeks ago I was in really shaky shape physically. I lost 2/3 of my blood and, according to my doctor, that REALLY wasn’t good. In fact, I might not have recovered. That is a scary proposition for a guy, especially for one who is finally seeing life with new eyes and who has a goal of never being the old Bill ever again, physically or otherwise.

During my hospital stay I gained weight. I knew I would because I wasn’t exercising. For me, it’s not just eating better or lighter it’s also physical activity that helps me lose weight. Even on the clear liquid diet I was on in the hospital I gained weight (especially from all the fluids they were pumping me with). When I was discharged I asked how long it would be until I could exercise again and they said “take it slow and exercise gradually until you build yourself back up to where you were which may take a couple of months.”

A couple of months?! Sheesh. OK, I admit, that freaked me out, too. Since dropping this weight, and regaining twenty, I have been trying my best to get rid of it and stay at or near my goal weight. But being out of the hospital and NOT being able to exercise is a trick, especially since being re-introduced to solid foods – foods which, of course, make you gain weight.

I know. I know. I’m supposed to help my body (and blood) recoup by eating and making sure it has the nutrients it needs to do that. Not to mention eating is a part of life and I can ever ignore that. But I know my body and it doesn’t let go of weight unless I sweat to the oldies in the gym on an elliptical or by doing my punches and kicks.

However, something in me has changed physically and I can’t ignore that. I have always told all of you that you should consult a doctor before doing any new and strenuous exercises and it’s time I took my own advice. I am human and like all humans I think I am invincible, that I can do anything I want and have it not affect me. But that is not the case. I could have died because of the amount of blood I lost, and I am lucky I didn’t. I am lucky I lost this weight in the first place so my heart wasn’t lugging around an extra 165-plus pounds on my frame. I was lucky I listened to reason and called my doctor when I knew I wasn’t “right.” I was lucky to get a second chance with this, too, and I am not about to blow it because of a desire to go sweat and get that weight off yesterday.

So I am letting go. I am letting go of that urgency. I will only be doing what I can, especially in this recovery period. I was scared and I should still be concerned about doing too much too soon in all of this. If I lose a pound or two every month or so I will be happy. Hell, I will be happy just maintaining my weight through the holidays (as we all are, I’m sure). I will let go of all that because I have to take care of myself. I recently got out of the hospital for God’s sake and I’m not about to go screw myself up more by becoming “The Biggest Loser” overnight.

So there you have it, my friends. My new outlook. Funny how a stay in the hospital (and a taste of mortality) can change a perspective. We are all in this together but I will say it again and again and again, be careful doing the things you do to lose weight. Do it naturally as much as possible. It is a true change in lifestyle, not a quick fix you can employ and expect to do wonders. Do it wisely and talk to a doctor and see what’s best and right for you. Most of all, don’t over do it. Do what you can and be happy you can do something at all. And remember, we are all on this earth for such a short time. Make the most of it by enjoying and appreciating life and those in your lives. I know I do, every single day. That, a healthier diet and some exercise every now and then will, at least in my humble opinion, be the best thing we all can do to be on this earth for as long as possible.

Have a great weekend and I will talk to you all next week on my regular Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule.

Day one-hundred-eight.

I hate feeling sick, and not just the kind of sick where you act like a baby but the kind of sick that genuinely knocks you out, zaps all your strength, makes your brain almost overheat and you spend all day (and most of the night) in one room of the hosue (and that ain’t the living room). I had a day like that yesterday and I swear to you I felt like complete and utter crap.

Needless to say my eating was thrown off severly. I think what caused it in the first place was what I ate. You see, lately I’ve been really good at shopping and eating at home and I got these frozen ribs. The old Bill would have eaten a whole slab of ribs, cole slaw, french fries and two pieces of white breat which also had a generous portion of bar-b-que sauce smeared on them. This new and improved Bill merely ate six ribs and a helping of green beans. No potato, no bread, just the meat and veggie. Wow. All I have to say is it started that night (Monday) and took me all through yesterday. What a shitty way to lead into Thanksgiving, though. A day completely devoted to food and enjoying food, football and more food and I now have to be careful and make sure I don’t overdue it especially since I am trying to finish feeling better.

I do feel much better today thanks to actually getting some food into me last night and taking it easy this morning (my apologies for being so late with today’s blog). I just didn’t want to push it by getting up early and not getting enough rest.

But me being sick isn’t what you want to hear. I know, it’s all about Thanksgiving and enjoying a day with family, friends and loved ones…oh, and a little bit of turkey and all the trimings thrown in. So, for both me and you, here are some wonderful and healthy eating tips to remember for tomorrow so you don’t end up feeling like a turkey on Thanksgiving:

Get Active

Create a calorie deficit by exercising to burn off extra calories before you ever indulge in your favorite foods. As much as we don’t want to hear it, eating less and exercising more is the winning formula to prevent weight gain during the holidays so increase your steps or lengthen your fitness routine the weeks ahead and especially the day of the feast.

Eat Breakfast

While you might think it makes sense to save up calories for the big meal, eating a small meal in the morning can give you more control over your appetite. Start your day with a small but satisfying breakfast — such as an egg with a slice of whole-wheat toast, or a bowl of whole-grain cereal with low-fat milk — so you won’t be starving when you arrive at the gathering.

Lighten Up

Whether you are hosting Thanksgiving dinner or bringing a few dishes to share, make your recipes healthier with less fat, sugar, and calories.

Police Your Portions

Thanksgiving tables are bountiful and beautiful displays of traditional family favorites. Before you fill your plate, survey the buffet table and decide what you’re going to choose. Then select reasonable-sized portions of foods you cannot live without. Also, don’t waste calories on foods that you can have all year long. Fill your plate with small portions of holiday favorites that only come around once a year so you can enjoy desirable, traditional foods. Also…

• Try to resist the temptation to go back for second helpings.
• Leftovers are much better the next day, and if you limit yourself to one plate, you are less likely to overeat and have more room for a delectable dessert.

Keep to Best Bets

While each of us has our own favorites, keep in mind that some holiday foods are better choices than others. White turkey meat, plain vegetables, roasted sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, defatted gravy, and pumpkin pie tend to be the best bets because they are lower in fat and calories. But if you keep your portions small, you can enjoy whatever you like.Slowly Savor

Eating slowly, putting your fork down between bites, and tasting each mouthful is one of the easiest ways to enjoy your meal and feel satisfied with one plate full of food. Choosing whole grains, fruits, vegetables, broth-based soups, salads, and other foods with lots of water and fiber add to the feeling of fullness.

Go Easy on Alcohol

Don’t forget those alcohol calories that can add up quickly. Have a glass of wine or a wine spritzer and between alcoholic drinks, (or) enjoy sparkling water. This way you stay hydrated, limit alcohol calories, and stay sober.

Be Realistic

The holiday season is a time for celebration. With busy schedules and so many extra temptations, this is a good time to strive for weight maintenance instead of weight loss. Shift from a mindset of weight loss to weight maintenance. You will be ahead of the game if you can avoid gaining any weight over the holidays.

Focus on Family and Friends

Thanksgiving is not just about the delicious bounty of food. It’s a time to celebrate relationships with family and friends. The main event should be family and friends socializing, spending quality time together, not just what is on the buffet.

And ain’t that the truth, my friends. So, to each and every one of you, have a happy, joyous and delicious Thanksgiving. I will check back in with you on Friday to see how you did (and let you know how I did). Hopefully I can maintain. And to all of us who are missing a loved one this Thanksgiving (I love you, Mama, so much and miss you) take time to be thankful for the ability to be happy and healthy. That is the best way to remember those not with us in body but always with us in spirit.

Enjoy, and have a slice of pumpkin pie for me, too.

Day one-hundred-six.

OK. Let’s face it. I suck at watching myself as much as I should over the weekend. I just do. Although I go into the weekend with as much vim and vigor as I can muster, I simply don’t keep it up and I fall into that deadliest of traps…saying “I’ll do it tomorrow.” Although in my case that is the truth. Today, after I write this and get some things done around the house I am getting my fat ass up and heading to the gym. That will be good, especially since this week is the eat of eats, Thanksgiving.

I did end up exercising on Friday and again on Saturday, which is good. However, after a spectacular workout Saturday morning I was done, over, finished, fin, and I shouldn’t have been. I ate like a pig both days and I am mad at myself for doing so. The (semi) good news is that I only gained a pound-and-a-half. Woo-freaking-hoo! That has me thrilled beyond belief! But still that is no excuse for eating the way I did.

What did I do right? Well, my workouts kicked arse. I did my boxing, I did my half hour on the elliptical, I did weights, I did push-ups, tummy crunches and more. It was awesome. But it was cold as shit outside after when walking back to my car and sweat plus the cold equals the chills for hours after. But I felt great. I do wish, though, we could alter ourselves so as not _ NOT – get a taste for sweets during the day, and particularly during our watching of some movies or TV. Curse the tongue and its forever-hungry tastebuds for wanting chocolate chip cookies.

Sigh. All that being said, like I said, I did O.K. this weekend. I am going to do my best to get down to 238-point-something before Turkey Day, though. This way I can enjoy a bit of Thanksgiving. Although I will eat slowly, as promised so I can feel full after not eating so much. But that still leaves the question – why do I suck at the weekends so badly.

I think at least part of it has to deal with being in the mindset of the work week. The regular Monday through Friday part of things that drives me to be better. In other words, I lump work in with work and not working with the weekend. So. O.K. mental note, I need to stay in work(out) mode on weekends. Duely noted.

I think this week’s Determined To Succeed weight loss blogs are going to be short. Not because I’m trying to cheat anyone out of Nobel Prize-worthy material but because I need to get movin’ and remember thouse new rules and regulations I laid down for myself. I simply must lose this weight no matter how yummy things are and how weekendy things feel. That’s my job, quest, ambition and goal. And something more…

…something about which to be very thankful I can work toward any day of the year.

Day one-hundred-one.

Finally! After days and weeks of moving up and down and back up on the scale I am finally heading back down. How did I accomplish this? Simple. I stopped being such a bonehead with my portions, ate the amount a normal human would and exercised. I feel so much lighter, literally and figuratively, and it’s a relief to be headed back down expecially with birthday number 40 just 26 or so days away. To do this I have had to sort of meditate while awake, instead of folding my legs together, sitting on the floor and chanting “ooooohmmmmm.” In other words I’ve had to think about what I was doing WHEN I was doing it so I didn’t do dumb and stupid things trying to be good.  Case in point…

…I’ve known for weeks now that I have been drinking too much Coke Zero. It is awesome and way better calorically than a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola. But it meant I wasn’t drinking enough water. Also, I was having a little more than I should at dinnertime, putting just a few more potatoes, another scoop or two of rice or more bread on my plate. Bad Bill, Bad Bill. Even though I was exercising it still, at most, was keeping my weight where it was and, at worst, allowing it to inch up ever so gradually. But with 26 days to go (my goal for getting at least close to my goal weight of 225) I sort of slip into a self-imposed walking trance. Not the kind where I’d look weird or anything walking down the street, like a zombie in the recent rash of movies like THE WALKING DEAD. No, silently, I say to myself…

…Bill. Bill. You don’t – Hey BILL! Snap out of it! You don’t need to eat that much!

…Bill, you don’t need to eat that (and insert the name of a food treat here ala doughnut, candy bar, cake, ice-cream or soda variety).

…Bill, you need to get your fat ass up and exercise until you sweat!

…Bill, you want to get to your goal way more than you want this, that and the other.

See, and it worked. That, and watching THE BIGGEST LOSER last night. I know I have my criticisms of that show (chief among them that I believe people should lose weight if they go to a camp where their ONLY JOB is to lose weight, and I maintain how interesting it would be to follow normal people who don’t have Jillian or Bob yelling at them while they ride the swankiest equipment, but instead have to go about their daily lives – including running the fast food gauntlet every day) but it really did help get the taste for strawberry ice-cream out of my mouth.

Today is going to be more of the same. I’m going to keep focusing on what things I need to accomplish instead of how good something would taste (like chocolate). Also, I’m going to keep in mind the 241.6 I saw on my scale instead of the 242.8 from the other day and know I want to keep that going. Oh yes, I so want to keep that going. I just have to remember that a little bit of meditation is good for the soul and the waistline.

Besides, my Calvin Klein suit waits for me in my closet, staring back at me wondering if it’s ever going to be worn.

“Yes, my lovely suit. Yes, you will and one day soon.” I have to keep meditating on that, as well.

Day ninety-two.

Happy Monday, everyone. Well, I barely – BARELY – survived the weekend. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. First, I ended up eating waaaaaaaaay too much on Friday night for dinner. I did aright for breakfast and lunch. Following my egg and sausage half-sandwich for breakfast I had a bagel for lunch (since I knew I was working out on Friday afternoon with Sensei Doug). But for dinner, fuck! I ate like a pig. It was taco night and there should be a law about how good jalepenos, onions, salsa, cheese and taco meat taste on a tortilla. Yum!

Saturday,  I was honored enough to be a part of the first-annual walk for pancreatic cancer in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, in honor of my mom, JoAnn. It was heartwarming to be surrounded by so many people who could understand that bitch disease while, at the same time, being there in positive support of all our loved ones, friends and family afflicted. It was a wonderful three-mile walk and one I will do every year, as I can, to remember the best lady in the whole world.

I love you, Mama. So much.

For lunch, I ate a wonderfully-prepared omelette (if I do say so myself) and some bacon and toast while for dinner I polished off the remainder of the taco stuff. Yesterday, for breakfast had some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the small ones, not Cinnabon size) and coffee while having a selection of finger foods (cheese, hummus, bread, chicken) at a great wine tasting. That ended up being my dinner (in addition to the few bite-size Snickers I had watching a Netflix flick) which was O.K.

What does all that mean? It means that, overall, while it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t great BUT I did end up weighing the same today as I did on Friday and that is a Godsend! I am still at 239.9 and am soooooo looking forward to working out today. This week also will be interesting because I will not be visiting Doug for my mixed martial arts sessions so I will have to maintain my workouts  on my own, no obligatory classes to make. But I will do it. As I told him I have my “homework” and I will do it.

So I start this week feeling pretty good. I am firmly ensconsed in eating at home and drinking Coke Zero (instead of regular Coca-Cola). I am going to workout four or five times this week to keep that up. All is good. Could this weekend have been better, of course. I could have exercised AND eaten better. However, life is to be enjoyed and I enjoyed a bit of life this weekend. If that means having two small pretzels with mustard on Saturday night (which I did), or having delicious pepper jack cheese cubes, hummus and bread with wine, so be it. I am living life and I will not ever, ever again, whether it be in my weight or any other way, take life for granted. It is short and precious and should be fully, fully appreciated.

On Saturday I felt my mom with me as I walked through that park with all those people. It wasn’t sad. It was the feeling you get when walking with your parents when you’re a kid. It was safe and warm and happy. And as long as I keep up with my better eating and exercising I will be able to have that feeling for decades to come.

Day sixty-seven.

I am thinking about mortality today. No, not because of anything actually going on in my life but because of a link I was sent, a link to a “life expectancy calculator.” While I have never been the type of guy who wants to know too much (particularly the whens and hows of life ending) but I took this little quiz just for kicks and goggles but came away with something fascinating, both scary and wonderful at the same time. Check this out…

When you go to this “life expectancy calculator” on MSN.com’s website it asks you for several rounds of key information, everything from height and weight to history of diseases in family and your current habits. You guys know the drill. So I took a few moments to enter this information. When I got to the weight part I was very proud to enter a number that began with a 2 (for the record, I may be back down to 238 officially but I entered 240 just to be safe). Also, I had to guess on cholesterol levels but at least had my latest blood pressure readings from recent doctors visits (a healthy 120 over 80). Anyhow, I plugged in this info, all seven pages of it, and out came my result. According to this calculator I am gonna live until I am about 80, which is good (I think). That puts me at about half-life, if this calculator is to be believed and makes me very much like our own sun which, at about five-billion years old, is at half-life itself.

PS: I like being sunny.

Now for the scary yet exciting part. Again, for kicks and giggles, I entered information about my “former” self. The guy who started this weight loss journey back in 2005 at 400 pounds, had high blood pressure and was well on his way to – let’s just say an unhealthy life with poor quality of life. Shit! I couldn’t believe my eyes. When I entered in all my stats (again, taking my best guesses about blood pressure and cholesterol stats) my life expectancy was only 61 years! 61!!!!!

It seems, according to this calculator, I extended my life almost 20 years by losing all that weight. Woohoo!!!

Then I became sad. What if I had stayed 400 pounds? There is certainly no guarantee that I would have lived to even 61 at that weight and health level and you can’t convince me that I wasn’t well on my way to not being on this earth for very long past 40 eating and living the way I was.

Then I became excited. I thought, “I did put years, and good ones, back on my life by losing weight!” I thought about having almost 20 more years to do the things I’ve always wanted to do in life and became instantly grateful to God for the chances to do them in a healthier, leaner body – some of which I couldn’t physcially do because people wouldn’t let me.

I know that things like this “life expectancy calculator” are very subjective, non-scientific ways to tell you a story they do serve one purpose – they can help show you that losing weight, eating right, having good habits (like not smoking) and exercising DO ABSOLUTELY play a part in your longevity. And if you are anything like me you want as much time on this planet as possible to do those wonderful amazing things before we really and truly have to think about mortality.

So go ahead, ANSWER THE QUESTIONS AND USE THE CALCULATOR. What could it hurt? You have nothing to lose but almost everything to learn and gain…

Day fifty-three (and day two of my cold).

Hey there, everybody. I am in day two of my cold. Ugh again, although not as ugh-y as yesterday. My brain still feels two sizes too big for my cranium and my eyes feel like bloated pin cushions. Other than those things, and my general lack of all things even minutely related to energy, I am doing OK. But I ate like absolute crap yesterday, though. I guess I did what I was supposed to do, meaning eating to “feed a cold,” but I hate that often when we get sick we eat what sounds good instead of what is good.

I started out the day doing so-so. I re-heated some beef fried rice and part of a leftover egg roll. Mmmmmm, the breakfast of champions. Then, as the day progressed (and my dosage of Tylenol increased) I ate a can of Hormel chili. It was hot and good and felt even better on my aching throat. But then the inspiration hit me (and my taste buds). Strawberry ice-cream. Man, not only did it sound good but it’s what I couldn’t stop thinking about all yesterday afternoon. Damnit…

I did my best to resist but it was just too much. So, I finally took a (much-needed) shower and headed to the store. I was lucky my ice-cream was in stock and I took it despite the absolutely insane convenience store price. Sigh. I got back home and slowly devoured it, allowing chunks of the frozen goodness to coat my throat on the way down. Man, I wish they could bottle that. I would have bought that instead.

Later on, I ended up having my throat go back into hurting mode so I had some hot and sour soup and a couple of egg rolls and, yes, another delicious pint of strawberry ice-cream. In no way, shape or form the healthiest meal on the planet. Shit, far from it. But two important things. One, it sounded good and when you are sick you should eat what sounds good. Two, the hot and peppery taste of the soup helped my throat, as did the ice cold goodness of the ice-cream. So can I write off ice-cream and Chinese food for “medicinal purposes on my taxes?” Hmmmmmm… And that was my night, laying on the couch flipping through channels watching bits of this and chunks of that. And you bloody-well know you’re sick when you even tune in to about 45 minutes of a movie on Lifetime. LIFETIME!!!!! Man, I must have had a fever.

Today I am up two-and-a-half pounds but that’s O.K. I will work it off (sigh) again. The best thing I can do right now if get my energy levels going again so I can fight this stupid thing we call the common cold. Also, since I feel a bit better, I’m going to eat healthier today and have salads and maybe soup since I am not quite yet up to exercising strength yet. This way I am not eating crap and at least doing better in one area so that by tomorrow (hopefully) I can get back to getting pumped to sweat and have a great workout…

…until then, there is this marvelous invention called a comfy couch and I am going to make the best use of it and the next best invention, the remote control. And even though my head still feels puffy I promise I will skip over Lifetime. And O.K., Lifetime’s movies aren’t all that bad. Hell, the crap they make for Syfy is horrible sometimes. But still, if I can’t find a decent movie on-air or on-demand then I should just go to bed, the best invention of all, and sleep. Have a great (and hopefully healthier) day.

Day forty.

Well, my friends, it’s the end of another week and, as usual, I am out of creative juice. I am done, fini, toast…ready to start a weekend of working out, writing and catching up on life a bit. You know, laundry, grocery shopping, laundry, cleaning, laundry…oh, and did I mention laundry? I have to be sure I remember that one. But all of that is truly O.K. and I will tell you why…

Do any of you out there wear glasses or contact lenses? With few exceptions it seems everyone I know wears some form of occular support. I have always been a glasses man, myself. The thought of putting something in my eye that could get scratched, torn or lost has always seemed too much for me. My aversion to things in my eye happened way back when when my father, before he left, said he had a bad eye infection because something got in it. When my mom told him she wanted to see it he removed his sunglasses to reveal a huge ball under his eye (I can’t remember which eye right now) that all but shut it. She was furious at him for not taking care of it and I was scared – and scarred for life. Ever since then I’ve always sought out the most groovy pair of glasses I could find because surgery or contacts were not an option.

I bring all this up because I love my glasses, for they are more than glasses. They are bi-focals. Best. Glasses. Ever. I know you think I’m off my rocker but I love my bi-focals and am not embarrased in the least to share with the world the fact that I need them. I am so into them that I always make the joke about seeing above the line is like regular analog TV and below the line is like switching over to an HDTV. Regular, HD, Regular, HD. Hell, my glasses are even a toy for me sometimes.

Since finally coming to grips with the addictions in my life, which do include food, it’s like I now see the world constantly through the HD portion of my glasses. Everything is clearer and in much-sharper focus. I am seeing things in far more vivid color and things I failed to see before, especially about myself, are now clear as a bell.  I wish I could truly convey what that feeling is like. Just think about watching a regular TV and then an HD one and you get the gist.

I have also come to know a healthier way of eating these days, too. Cooking more, eating out less (which, can I tell you saves a shitload of money) and exercising has helped me get a handle on the weight loss portion of my life these days – much like it did before when I had far more weight to lose. It’s just the fine-tuning of the last damned 15 or so pounds that gets ya’. But I will get that weight off, especially now that I know what my triggers are and I can see them clearly.

It’s funny when you get a song in your head that won’t go away. Right at this minute I have the Johnny Nash song “I Can See Clearly Now” in my head:

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I’ve been prayin’ for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

Look all around, there’s nothin’ but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin’ but blue skies

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun-Shiny day.

That is exactly how I feel right now. My dark clouds are gone. I am no longer blind. I can see clearly now and that is a beautiful feeling especially as we start the weekend. I may have to use my handy and trusty bi-focals but I wouldn’t trade them, or my newly-found ability to see things, for all the tea in China because there are nothing but blue skies all around and it truly is a sun-shiny day. That is why things like laundry, cleaning and the seemingly other dull moments in life are the ones truly worth living for.

Have a great weekend, my friends. Be well and be healthy. I’ll catch up with you again on Monday. Oh, and don’t forget to remind me to tell you if I survived my craving for Twinkies.

Day thirty-nine.

I have a neighbor whose name is Hector. He lives just around the corner from me and he’s a friendly guy. He is always walking around the neighborhood saying “hello” to people and he always has a smile on his face whenever you see him and every day Monday through Friday he is off to enjoy a day’s worth of activities someplace nearby. Seeing Hector and hearing Hector makes me feel lucky in so many ways every single day. Why? Because Hector is physically and mentally challenged.

I am not sure exactly from what or which challenge Hector suffers but it’s clear. Whenever I see Hector he always says “hey” and I always say “hey” back but what I really want to say is “you poor guy. I am so sorry you are afflicted the way you are.” But does he or would he ever want my pity? No. He, I assume, would just want my simple understanding that he is different. That’s all. Of course he can’t run, jump or even carry on a conversation at the level you and I are used to. But in Hector’s disability comes an incredible ability – the ability to just smile and try to appreciate the life he has.

I am quite sure he and his family go through the same things other families go through when a person can’t take care of themselves. They get frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious and tired and want some type of “vacation” away from the responsibility for that level of care. My aunt told me as much taking care of my mom, JoAnn’s, during her final months and in a letter or two after she died. It is a hefty burden, indeed, to care for someone that way but it makes me think about where my life has taken me in these almost 40 years.

Over 40 days ago I was in the throws of addiction and didn’t know how, when or where to get help. But thanks to the catastrophic failures I experienced I am now on a path of sobriety and recovery. I can again really taste food, enjoy it, enjoy being outside, exercising and more…and all because my heart, mind and soul are all now one again and in the same place. It’s sad, though. Before, when I was much sicker, I never thought about the lessons Hector could teach me. Now that I can think clearly I can see the absolute lessons God, my mom’s spirit and the universe are throwing my way.

Life is just too fucking short sometimes. You hear all the time about teens having their lives cut short in accidents or by health conditions about which they didn’t know. You see on the news horrific stories about people disgruntled at work grabbing a gun and blowing people away (which unfortunately happened recently in the Philadelphia area) just because of disagreements and perceived animosities. And you see all the time people who need help just walking down the street but who give it their absolute best because they are trying to cling to what’s left of their independence. But here I was pissing my life away with addictions, which did include food, wasting the gifts I was given for such a long time.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Well, so is health sometimes.

I would dare me, you, kids these days – anybody – to trade places with Hector for just five minutes. Use some sci-fi machinery to switch bodies for just five minutes and I would bet you anything, ANYTHING, that each and every person who did that would forever appreciate even the simplest of gifts like mobility and speech, gifts we all too often take for granted. In these sobering days I am soooooo appreciating life in ways I never imagined before because I could see where my life was going and where I would have ended up. I have always said to you I know I would have died sooner and not later if I stayed at 400 pounds and I will believe that until the day I see my mom again.

Why am I so down today? I’m not really, for if you listen you will hear the voice of someone who is breathing again and someone who is loving life and who will always do his best from now on to live each day well and appreciate everything in it. Even the simple ability to type out this silly weight loss blog every damn day is a gift, as is the gift of being able to exercise, take my mixed martial arts class and keep my weight in check so I can enjoy activities I’ve never done before. I will also no longer be bad about my eating because I don’t want to gain that weight back for if I did, that would be spitting in the face of all we work so hard to do every single day to maintain weight loss. It would also insult my mom. No,  I will not squander life and it’s gifts, including time, ever, EVER again.

So, the next time you are down about anything go for a walk, exercise, write a letter or talk to a friend. They may seem like simple things to you and me but these are all things Hector can’t do. And just when you think life isn’t going your way remember I know one guy who lives just around the corner who, I’m sure, would be more than happy to trade places with any one of us in a heartbeat to live the lives we live and be free from his own limitations.