Determined To Succeed

Day Thirty-two.

I don’t know if you guys know about this or not, but NASA confirmed yesterday two small asteroids passed within the moon’s distance from the Earth about 12 hours apart. Yep, near-Earth asteroid 2010 RX30, which is estimated to be 32 to 65 feet in diameter, passed within 154,000 miles of Earth around 5:51 a.m. ET, while the second object, 2010 RF12, estimated to be 20 to 46 feet in diameter, passed within 49,088 miles of Earth close to 5:12 pm ET. This double encounter was unusual in the sense that NASA spotted the objects three days in advance and successfully plotted their orbits, demonstrating the need for closer monitoring of near space for Earth-threatening encounters.

According to Donald Yeomans, manager of NASA’s Near Earth Program, which tracks potentially hazardous asteroids and comets within 28 million miles of Earth, the ability to track these asteroids days in advance of their “arrival” confirms that the process NASA has in place (whereby they find, observe and then quickly predict when such things pass Earth to get that info out) works pretty well.

I would say so, although my initial gut reaction was “holy crap, it’s ‘Armageddon’ and we need Bruce Willis to go up in a shuttle and yell ‘yippee-kay-a mother fucker’ before saying ‘we win, Gracie’ and blowing up the damn thing. My second reaction was to think back to a time when I was a kid working on his science fair project about space, specifically black holes.

According to the general theory of relativity, a black hole is a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon and it is called “black” because it absorbs all the light that hits it, reflecting nothing, just like a perfect black body in thermodynamics.

All of that is a fancy way of saying ain’t nuthin’ gettin’ out of any black hole.

Thinking back over the past few decades I have come to realize how very close I actually got to that event horizon in my life, that point from which I could never have returned because of my behaviors and my fractured soul. And thinking about how close I got made me shudder but instantly thankful I was able to bottom out and escape the nothingness of true failure.

Last year I wrote a couple of pieces on failure. I wrote them after attending church one Sunday and hearing the pastor talk about a passage in the Bible that says how people will fall and rise seven times as we try to achieve success or victory over evil.

I’m human, and humans look for too many quick fixes, solutions, methods or excuses so there’s (or seems to be) less likelihood of failure, I wrote, and how we use these things to blame someone or something else for our failures. We say to ourselves: “Oh, well I ordered that thing and did what I was supposed to do to lose weight but it didn’t work.” My friends, I said it then and I will repeat it now, the highest peaks of our achievements and successes always go through the lowest valleys of failure. And humility, patience, the ability to learn and grow from mistakes and, most of all, appreciation for success comes from failure.

Having known what true failure is in life I truly appreciate the feelings I now have of sobriety and being a better human being each and every day. Not acting out (especially with food and eating – I was so much better yesterday) and appreciating life again and all its positive energies is what I will continue to do throughout the rest of my life – that is my focus. But there are forces out there in the universe like those asteroids and like those black holes that threaten our stability, even our very sanity, and we must do our best, like NASA, to see them coming and prepare for them so we can avoid the blackness and destruction they bring.

No journey worth taking is without risk, pitfalls, bumps and dangers. I know that. In my current weight loss journey, for example, I am still trying to re-lose this damn extra almost 14 pounds (grrrrrrr). But I will, especially now, succeed in all the aspects of my life especially when I can see asteroids or black holes coming my way. There are black holes out there in the universe, but it’s the stars and light that surround them that mark their path so we can avoid them along our journey. I came dangerously close to the event horizon once in my life and I will be damned if I ever again get that close no matter how the universe can sometimes conspire to want me to fail again. And you should hold onto that assurance, too, that you can and will achieve success in your life no matter how many times you stumble. We are all human and we will achieve success together.

Bruce Willis is a person and an actor. He’s not Harry Stamper, the character he portrayed in “Armageddon,” and he won’t be flying at 22,500 mph to land on that asteroid and blow it up before it hits earth. No, my success or failure in the end depends on one person, me, and I am holding firm at thirty-two days and counting that I will continue to grow, be positive, be a better man day by precious day and be my mother’s son again.

Day eighteen.

Today I am a bundle of energy and a bundle of nerves. What a way to start the day. You know that feeling. It’s anticipation, that feeling when you are expecting something or waiting for something to happen but don’t quite know when it is so you sit and wait…and wait some more.

Yesterday I met with Dr. John, the first of two appointments I had and I have gotta tell ya, it was a meeting well-worth going to. He was awesome. In just five minutes of talking to me his experience told him so much about me that I sat there, dumbfounded, at how much he could read me like the pages of an open book. He told me about behaviors, and he told me about addictions and addictive traits. Most of all, though, he challenged me. He challenged me by slicing through my bullshit and hitting me with one gut-wrenching but true fact.

He said, “Bill, because of your addiction, you are only using 20% of your full potential.”

It’s not easy when you’re told how much better you could be if you didn’t piss away a portion of your life wasting time on something that had such control over your life like this did mine. What he said hurt and it was on my mind the rest of the day. Not necessarily in a bad way but in a “wake up” way.

I used to be so fucking arrogant. I always used to think I was better than most people, especially people you can look at and say “damn, they look fucked up, don’t they?!” The “rode hard, put away wet people” who look drugged out and knocked out even when out in daylight. Why do I say this? Because one of the reasons I am in this predicament is that I was arrogant enough to believe I was above this kind of shit. I went to college, got a degree and used to hold a $70K-a-year job. I hung out with people who were not like the people you see hanging out on street corners. I hung out with like-minded, well-educated people who talked politics and drank martinis, not baby-mamas and daddies who couldn’t put together a cohesive sentence if they tried. I was arrogant, conceited and just plain wrong, and in the end I learned I was no better. Not only that, I was worse because I knew better! I had access to all the resources in the world. I just chose to ignore it all for my addiction. That’s what an addiction does to you. It puts you in a leaky-ass boat on the river of denial without a paddle.

I once thought my accomplishments were pretty cool, and some of them are. I’ve met people who were pretty important, politicians, celebrities and the like, and have done things I am very proud of (like having the Chicago Sun-Times print the American flag as a pull-out page so people could show the flag after September 11, 2001 or helping a mom give her dying son the experience of a lifetime simply by setting up a movie screening). But these are moments, moments that showed signs of the potential I knew I could reach but never did because I was afraid. Stupidly but plainly afraid, and part of that fear was letting go of the addictions in my life.

When I started attending twelve-step meetings I was nervous so I sat and observed minor details, like that the meeting was comprised of this many women and and that many men, some older, some younger, some white and some not (there was one woman who was Filipino, I think, and one black guy which, with me, made one-and-a-half black guys, I guess). And they all looked normal. And ain’t that a shitty thing to say, “they looked normal.” Like you can tell what an addict looks like on sight. But as I am being honest here (truly, a new thing for me) and since I am trying to keep this as real as I can I was half-expecting to see people who looked like they did crack as a hobby or never left the world of Dungeons & Dragons and used the internet as their own personal girlfriend or boyfriend.

But that’s not the truth. The truth is the people I saw and met looked like the people you stand in line with at the store, take your orders for crappy merchandise on the phone and do your taxes. They are normal every day people who were nice, accepting and non-judgmental. In other words, they looked just like you and me. People like your neighbors, friends and family members. People who are in front of you at the drive-thru in the morning and behind you in church on Sunday afternoons. We are everywhere and we need help and I, for one, am so glad I finally admitted it to myself and others.

That is why I am a bundle of energy and nerves today. I am ready. Finally fucking ready to not be a coward any more. You see, honesty in any shape or form was such a foreign concept to me and lying such a way of life that anything honest, truly honest, felt wrong. I even made attempts to stop my behavior and failed and that shame held me back. My actions held me back. But I am not accepting failure anymore.  I am committed to getting well again, gaining control over my life and being my mother, JoAnn’s, son again. And I am finally ready to live up to my fullest potential not just in career but as a human being. I am.

This road we travel is a scary one but I am doing my best to hold my head up high and make that inventory of myself to make sure I never do the things I’ve done again. And everything I’ve said here and the past three weeks is absolutely applicable to weight loss, it is, because food can be an addiction. It certainly was for me. And once we restore that sanity, regain that control and live up to our fullest potential we can achieve our goals and dreams.

My name is Bill and this is my on-going story. Thank you for listening and thanks for letting me share.

Day ten.

Twelve-step meetings at once are exactly what you expect and something you can’t plan for at all. On one hand, yes, there is the group made up of lost souls looking for strength in the solidarity of a problem. On the other, you never know quite how to feel or quite what to say when it’s your turn to speak, confess and both give and receive strength to and from the group.This is why no one can (or should) ever be confident enough that they can “handle” a meeting. You just never know where it and the people within will take you.

Last night I attended a meeting and the format of this meeting was the same as it was on Sunday, topical. Meaning, three topics are thrown out by members of the group and people take three-minute-ish turns talking about the topics as they pertain to their lives. These topics can be about anything, also. While Sunday’s topics were radical honesty, why we were there and serenity, last night’s topics were boundaries, positive change and making restitution. When the topics were announced I started to really think about what they meant to my life and when it was my raised-hand, volunteered third speaker turn I told the group my name, why I was there and talked openly and honestly about each thing.

When you look around a room, any room, you can tell who really wants to be there and who is just there “because.” I know I have been both from time to time, truly present and truly wanting to poke my eyes out with the nearest object just to leave. Since having catastrophic failure I have been honestly present, more so than I ever have been in my adult life, and these meetings are good because they connect me to both myself as well as support. But in just the same way you can tell who wants to be there or not, you can tell who wants to speak and who doesn’t.I wanted to speak but I also was there to listen.

In both weight loss and now I realized I set very few boundaries. I allowed my time, attention and energy to be spent on other things and other people. So much so that my health suffered. I became so wrapped up in the stresses I allowed to be heaped on me that I took refuge in food (and later other things) as comfort. I let suffer my true work, this writing. I wasted time, precious time, time given to me by my mother as a last gift to see my dreams of becoming a writer come to life. And because I set no boundaries so much of my soul withered, as I traded time, attention and energy, both then and now, to pursuits that eventually left me bankrupt and a dark and empty person.

When I sat and thought of the other two topics, positive change and restitution, that’s when I could see a light at the end of this tunnel. I am trying so hard to make right the wrongs I have done in life. As I was explaining to someone at the end of the meeting things like this are never usually a quick drop down into an abyss. They are a slow and steady downward fall kind of like the stock market where you see the red line, even with its spikes, consistently and continually head lower and lower on the chart. And with that there are so many people with whom to try to make things right both then and now (even friends from way back who saw my weight problem and said nothing for fear of my reaction and whether or not I would actually hear their concern).  And though it may be one of the twelve steps, I did and do want to make things right because I genuinely want to, not because it’s required, and because when I do it truly brings about the time to move forward and work toward healing.

As for the last topic, positive change? I was simply there last night. Simply there in a room full of people also simply there, making that time to try to heal themselves, too. And that all of us, by the simple act of being there, were at least willing to try to keep that positive change going in our lives. And while some showed up just to show up, most were truly present, as I was, because we want that positive change to keep happening. Restitution is part of that positive change. Healing is part of that positive change. And yes, writing about it is part of that positive change.

In everything that’s happened over the last few weeks I’ve come to realize how much of my life was spent in addiction. I’ve also come to realize that food, weight and weight loss all follow the same patterns, the exact same patterns. Well, I do not want that anymore. As the sun rises today behind a blanket of clouds and rain I look forward to making this day the best I can because with each day, each meeting and each piece of work I do on myself to affect that positive change I make restitution to the two people in my life that mean the most to me, myself and my mother.

I will be my mother’s son again. I swear it.

It’s always interesting to see something through someone else’s eyes. Being a tour guide for your hometown to someone who’s never been, or watching a movie you’ve seen dozens of times but someone else hasn’t. Even sharing the sight of a rainbow with someone as if it were the first one. Times like that are awesome, and I had one of those times yesterday when I went to go speak to a group in southern New Jersey about my weight loss.

I was originally invited by the leader of the group, a nutritionist, who thought it would be cool to have a guest speaker (moi) come in and discuss his own personal weight loss journey. As people poured into the room I introduced myself to everyone and I think they could sense right away this wasn’t going to be the usual stick-in-the-mud speaker (you know – yawn, take a note, yawn again, zzzzzzzzzz, wake up, wish for coffee, the class to end or a fork in your eye). I was going to be fun, personable, full of movie quotes and open to discuss anything about weight loss.

One of the attendees of this class, Steve (not his real name as I do not want to completely embarrass him), was one of the first to arrive. He didn’t want to weigh-in before class (a standard practice before each one) because he knew he had fallen off the wagon but he showed up trying so very hard to get back the motivation he seemed to lose and lose completely, his funny exterior hiding his own disappointment and sadness.

Sound like a blogger you know?

I promised Steve that the very last part of what I had to say was just for him and to keep his ears peeled. Anywho, the class went on for a little over and hour and I laid out my life’s story, from obese child to obese adult, the epiphany I had which started my weight loss journey and how I grapple with issues even today in the maintenance of my new weight. I think it went well and I kept teasing throughout the hour my message for Steve – like the coming attraction previews for a highly-anticipated flick.

During the class, though, I kept seeing weight loss through his eyes and I put myself into Steve’s shoes. More to the point, I put myself back into my old ones. You know the ones I mean. The ones that were a half-size to a size bigger because I lost weight in my feet. The ones that went with the size 58 pants I had or the size 60 suit jackets I used to wear. Yeah, those shoes. I completely went back in my mind and saw this weight loss journey through Steve’s eyes and remembered what it was like to be at a low point and want to give up.

When I finally got to the big moment I had teased I saw that I had Steve’s full attention. “Good,” I thought to myself. “Maybe he can see this though my eyes now.” I talked about failure, and how it is simply just a part of the process of weight loss. I talked about how we need failure to fully appreciate what success is and how it feels when we finally get there. I talked about how it is only permanent if you let it be permanent. It was then I think I either got through to Steve or hit such a nerve it was disturbing and too real. In that moment he knew as well as I did we had connected and we both understood what it was like for the other, and he could see I understood how it felt to try and fail to lose weight. At least I hope so. God, I hope so.

At the end most of the class bolted out of there. Some, hopefully most, saw a bit of the same information taught to them by their nutritionist (which was purely accidental as he and I never spoke about what he was teaching or what I’d be saying) and some just left eager to get home. But Steve was one of the ones who stuck around to chat after. Most guys aren’t too open with their feelings, but as we were both sharing a laugh over a quote from “WALL STREET” I could see on Steve’s face a little glimmer of hope for the journey he is undertaking, and I sincerely hope he is reading this blog entry today. Because, just like yesterday’s talk about failure, this one is for him and other like him who get discouraged and want to throw in the towel.

Please don’t. It is hard. Believe me, I know it is. However, it is a path you’ve chosen to walk that will (WILL) get you to a better you. And while it will take work (there are no quick fixes) and will take time (weight didn’t come overnight and it won’t leave overnight) it will get you to that better, healthier and lighter place you want to be. The lyrics to the Peter Gabriel song “Don’t Give Up” sum it up pretty well…

Don’t give up
‘cos you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not beaten yet

Don’t give up

It’s going to be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don’t give up
Please don’t give up

Don’t give up
’cause you have friends
Don’t give up
You’re not the only one
Don’t give up
No reason to be ashamed
Don’t give up
You still have us
Don’t give up now
We’re proud of who you are
Don’t give up
You know it’s never been easy
Don’t give up
You’re not beaten yet

Don’t give up
Please don’t give up

Remember, my friends that if and when we feel down and alone we really aren’t. There are others who understand and are here to help. Also remember I know what this feels like, too. I get down and want to eat all the time, especially when I’m missing my mom. But we can’t give up. We shouldn’t give up and I really want you to take you out of you and see the world through someone else’s eyes…someone who has gotten to be where you want to be and who fights every day to stay there. Why? Because it is hard work, determination, drive, sweat and tears to get there and stay there. But you will get there. You will as long as you have those things. And never give up. Because everyone in that room, Steve, was there for the exact same thing and they are all your support system, as I am, to help you through.

Don’t give up. That’s the universe’s promise to us and that is why, how and when rainbows exist. They show us the way and bring color back to our lives on dark and stormy days.

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Damned evil Chinese food!!!!

OK, I had been doing great all weekend. You heard me recount over the past few days what I’ve eaten and, with very few exceptions, had been doing OK. That is until I had egg foo young last night. I figured it was my reward for eating so well, particularly the past few days with the personal trainer dude. So, since I had been good and exercised (I lots of cardio yesterday), I could indulge in what the egg rolls the other day couldn’t sate – my taste for a Chinese food dinner. Man, did I turn out to be wrong.

For the record, I was fairly good with the meal. I usually go for a main entree, egg rolls and maybe fried rice of some type. But yesterday was different. I was trying to be good so I just had an order of egg foo young. I didn’t even have my customary Coke with it (I had diet Canada Dry Ginger Ale instead). So I plopped down and watched one of my favorite action movies, “Kill Bill: Volume One” (or as I like to joke “Kill Me: Volume One”) and enjoyed my fried eggy goodness.

Again, I say, damn! I always try so hard to be good and eat what I should. And I get so freaking frustrated that I seem to work so hard for several days, even a week, to lose just a pound or so just to have it come back after one meal the very next day. What the $#%& is that?! I wish it were the other way around – we could lose seven or so pounds a week and eat something and just gain back a half-pound or so. Grrrrrr.

Today is a rainy, dreary Monday here in New Jersey. While some states, like my home state of Illinois, had snow and colder temps, today is the perfect day here to work out – and work off that blasted egg foo yuck. And there will be no reason NOT to work out. It is on today’s TO DO list, along with the other things I’m going to try to accomplish. One thing is for certain, though. I am sooooo going back to following my new and improved meal plan. It seemed to work. That and combining weight training and resistance with cardio should bring that pound off.

I can’t tell you how glad I am to actually have a plan for this. It used to be I’d gain weight and not know WHY the things I did were bad and HOW I was going to deal with it. Thanks to this entire weight loss journey I know I am prepared for taking that extra pound off and all the other extra pounds I want to re-lose, as well. It is very much one day at a time and one pound at a time. Each pound down being a reward and that to me makes me know I will do this.

That is why I know we can all do this. It may feel like an impossible battle most days but it’s not. Having egg foo young for dinner and gaining a pound is just a stumbling block. Nothing more. Just like a cookie, pint of ice-cream, slice of cake, pasta dinner, etc., are stumbling blocks. Now, it’s time to pick ourselves up from the weekend. Dust ourselves off and keep on moving forward. Failure is only permanent if we let it be – and I’ll be damned if I let this pound I gained back become permanent.

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My friends, yesterday was a rough day. It was the six-month anniversary of my mother’s passing and in between bouts of crying and working I thought about food. I am weak when it comes to food. I don’t know what it is about food but I am. It soothes me. It is there (actually it’s always there). It warms me and fills me. The thing I always have to remind myself of is that feeling it always leaves when the eating is over. Like yesterday when I woke up with that food hangover. The party’s over. Reality sets in. It is like alcoholism.

On days like yesterday I sit at my desk, or lie awake in bed, and find myself this/close to putting food into my mouth. And there is never any better reason other than it’s there. Food is there. I don’t even know what to eat. Just something that sounds palatable would be good enough. But at those times I have to remember the more I do that the more I do a disservice to myself and those that support me in this weight loss journey.

And because I like to look for encouragement (who doesn’t) I wanted to “pay it forward” and offer you, my friends, some words of encouragement when you feel as weak as I know I do and food comes a callin’. And these are not my words. No. They are words from famous people that I hope help you to see that when we feel weak, even when we fail, have a setback, whatever, people understand and people are there. Remember, failures are never permanent unless we let them be permanent. And we will always experience setbacks and failures on our way to achieving our ultimate success.

We really are all in this together. You are human, and so am I.

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.” – Truman Capote

“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Alva Edison

“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.” – Anais Nin

I feel that the most important requirement in success is learning to overcome failure. You must learn to tolerate it, but never accept it. —Reggie Jackson

Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly.—Langston Hughes

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.” – Shel Silverstein

“Courage allows the successful woman to fail and learn powerful lessons from the failure so that in the end, she didn’t fail at all.” – Maya Angelou

“I can accept failure, but I can’t accept not trying.” – Michael Jordan

“Notice the difference between what happens when a man says to himself, ‘I have failed three times’ and what happens when he says, I’m a failure.” – S. I. Hayakawa

“Thoughts are things; they have tremendous power. Thoughts of doubt and fear are pathways to failure. When you conquer negative attitudes of doubt and fear you conquer failure. Thoughts crystallize into habit and habit solidifies into circumstances.” – Bryan Adams

“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call ‘failure’ is not the falling down, but the staying down.” – Mary Pickford