Determined To Succeed

It’s almost the end of May, 2010 (do you say twenty-ten, two-thousand and ten, oh hell, I don’t know) and it was this time last year that my mom, JoAnn, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 24, 2009, was lying in a hospital bed dying from that dreaded bitch disease. We were seeing doctors who were trying to make her comfortable and having the difficult conversations about pain management, transferring to hospice and how much time she might have left. If you ever want to know what a really hard conversation is look your wonderful, beautiful mom in the eye and answer her “we’re in a bad way, aren’t we” question with the honest, brutal and damning truth…”yes.”

During the eighteen or so days it took from her diagnosis to death, and in the days after, before I returned to South Jersey, I gained 20 pounds back of the 175 I lost. It was not only easy it was tremendously easy. When you sit in a hospital room all day you might entertain ideas of eating better, healthier and less but that quickly turns into nervously eating shit. There are moments of boredom, fear, dread, sadness, humor, anxiousness, relief…every emotion under the sun. What does it mean? It means your adrenaline has kicked in as the one helping to provide comfort and care and you eat, at least I did to help calm the storm.

When we transferred Mama to hospice I knew it was the end, and so did she, but at least the room she was in wasn’t some cold, antiseptic and functional place. It was warmer, more inviting and soothing and a much more  fitting place for my sweet Mama’s spirit to spend its final days inhabiting her body on Earth.

In hospice, I kept eating. This time I had the comfort of having pizza from Al’s Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria which was mercifully close to the hospice place. Ironically, what made this pizza awesome was the fact it tasted just like the pizza my mom and I had when I was a boy. I had this pizza twice in the six days we were in hospice. I needed it. I welcomed it, like an old friend come by for a visit after twenty years…and we had some catching up to do. I needed a taste of my childhood during those moments of fear, dread and sadness.

I just wish that taste could have come calorie- and fat-free.

Why am I telling you guys all this on a beautiful Sunday morning? Because the countdown has already begun to the last “first” I have to face since my mom’s passing, the actual one-year anniversary of that day, and slowly but surely I have been stress eating again. I can tell you it has been mostly subconscious, eating a few extra things here and there. But that is no excuse. I still get my sweet cravings at night and I feed them sometimes with good things, sometimes with bad, and my weight is slowly creeping back up because of it. Not to mention the silly, stupid dreams I have because I eat late at night (but that’s a whole separate blog post – and one for which you’d need a strong drink or cup of coffee because my dreams can be really strange sometimes).

In trying to be Zen about losing this remaining last ten pounds, which is now eleven-and-a-half, I have said many things which I need to start saying to myself. I do forgive myself this weight. I will re-lose this weight. And I know WHY I am re-gaining this weight. Those things help me, they do. I just need to listen to them and fight my way through this.

Every day I start the day the exact same way, with the blank page. Every writer starts with one, every person starts with one. Each day is what we make of it. Some continue the events of the day before, some bring about new circumstances. But all of them have a component of choice to them and it’s that choice I need to remember as June 9 gets closer and closer.

I swear to you all I will re-lose this weight. I swear it to myself, too. And that, my friends, is the first line on my blank page for today followed very, very closely by my second line…

…Mama, I love you and miss you and your voice very, very much.

You know, I’ve always been just a little bit afraid of April Fools’ Day. Why? Because I’m gullible. Yes, yours truly has, from time to time, been known to feel quite stupid after being taken for “quite the ride” by others for the sole purpose of their amusement and entertainment. It started when I was a kid and that damned 52-card pick-up game. Do kids still do that prank? As an adult, I’ve been known to fall for many-a-line, including one about which I’ve written many times – about how this $125 food diary thingie from an infomercial was going to help me lose weight.

Yeah, right. Did I also mention I have a bridge I’d like to sell you?

Jokes and pranks come in all shapes and sizes from friends, co-workers or family. But, believe it or not, many jokes are played on us by the food and diet industries and not just on April Fools’ Day. These industries lay claim to so many promises of being able to help you lose weight it’s staggering. And we fall for them. Hook, line and sinker because 1) those of us who want to lose weight sometimes look for “help” – meaning something/someone else on which/whom to lean – anywhere we can get it no matter the cost so we don’t have to take full responsibility for ourselves 2) we all want some “magic pill” to cure us of the fat that ails us 3) because we believe anything that sounds “official.” But in the end, it’s us that’s fooled. Fooled into a false sense of believing the statements made by these products/companies because we so desperately want to lose weight we’re willing to try anything except the two things that are proven to work (especially by me) – eating better and exercising more.

So today, I am celebrating April 1st by not playing jokes on you, my friends. Instead, I’m going to debunk a few food myths in hopes of clearing some of the debris from the path of our weight loss journey so we don’t stumble (at least not as much) as we continue towards success.

Myth: Eating most of your calories in the evening promotes weight gain.

Fact: No matter when you eat them, you gain weight when you eat more calories than you burn off. However, mindless munching in front of the TV at night can push calorie intake over the top.

Myth: Fat free is calorie free.

Fact: Some people indulge in extra-large servings of fat-free foods, such as cookies, cakes and crackers, without realizing that these foods may contain the same amount or even more calories than regular versions. Get the facts on fat-free foods by checking food labels for the serving size and number of calories per serving. Fruits and vegetables are naturally low in fat and calories. However, other low fat or non-fat foods may still contain a lot of calories. To make such foods taste better, extra sugar, flour, or starch thickeners are usually added. These ingredients are high in calories and may lead to weight gain.

Myth: You can burn fat by eating certain foods, like grapefruit and cabbage soup.

Fact: The grapefruit diet requires you to eat half a grapefruit before every meal to reap the benefits of the fruit’s so-called fat-burning enzymes. Calories typically are limited to fewer than 800 a day, although some versions require that you eat until you are full. Grapefruit has no fat, is low in calories and sodium, and is packed with vitamin C. But the very low calories — and deficits in protein, fiber and several important vitamins and minerals — can make this diet dangerous. Similarly, the cabbage soup diet proponents report feeling lightheaded and weak because the diet is too low in protein, vitamins and complex carbohydrates. You may lose weight, but you’ll probably be too queasy to enjoy it. Remember, no foods can burn fat. Caffeine-rich foods/products (like those energy shots or energy drinks) may speed up your metabolism rate for a short time. However, they do not cause any weight loss. The best way to lose weight is to reduce the number of calories you eat and increase your physical activities.

Myth: It is better to eat six small meals during the day instead of three larger meals

Fact:  This can be okay but only if you are extremely good at controlling your portion sizes; it is all too easy to turn six small meals into six large meals. Again it comes down to the whole “calories per day” rule. If your three large meals contain as many calories as your six small meals, there is no difference at all. For the majority of people it is easier to put the time aside for three meals – so this is still the best choice for most.

Myth: Drinking diet soda will help you lose weight.

Fact: No expert is presuming that diet sodas themselves are making people gain weight. But there does seem to be some connection, and what is being further explored is the idea that by offering our tastes buds something that seems sweet, and seems to signal other parts of our bodies that glucose sugars are on the way, we set ourselves up for cravings — to which we eventually and often unknowingly, give in. In other words, consuming artificial sweeteners that seem real just might be setting us up to eat more later on.

There you have it my friends. Truths on a day sure to be filled with gags, jokes and other entertainments. Remember, there are a gagillion products on the market all claiming to be better than the other in helping you lose weight. But no magic pill, weight loss plan, food stuff or product will help you lose weight unless you invest the time it takes to make smarter food choices and exercise (yes, friends, movement is required sorry to say). And by the way, your shoe is not untied and please do not look down when someone asks “what’s that and points at your chest.”