Determined To Succeed

Day one-hundred-eight.

I hate feeling sick, and not just the kind of sick where you act like a baby but the kind of sick that genuinely knocks you out, zaps all your strength, makes your brain almost overheat and you spend all day (and most of the night) in one room of the hosue (and that ain’t the living room). I had a day like that yesterday and I swear to you I felt like complete and utter crap.

Needless to say my eating was thrown off severly. I think what caused it in the first place was what I ate. You see, lately I’ve been really good at shopping and eating at home and I got these frozen ribs. The old Bill would have eaten a whole slab of ribs, cole slaw, french fries and two pieces of white breat which also had a generous portion of bar-b-que sauce smeared on them. This new and improved Bill merely ate six ribs and a helping of green beans. No potato, no bread, just the meat and veggie. Wow. All I have to say is it started that night (Monday) and took me all through yesterday. What a shitty way to lead into Thanksgiving, though. A day completely devoted to food and enjoying food, football and more food and I now have to be careful and make sure I don’t overdue it especially since I am trying to finish feeling better.

I do feel much better today thanks to actually getting some food into me last night and taking it easy this morning (my apologies for being so late with today’s blog). I just didn’t want to push it by getting up early and not getting enough rest.

But me being sick isn’t what you want to hear. I know, it’s all about Thanksgiving and enjoying a day with family, friends and loved ones…oh, and a little bit of turkey and all the trimings thrown in. So, for both me and you, here are some wonderful and healthy eating tips to remember for tomorrow so you don’t end up feeling like a turkey on Thanksgiving:

Get Active

Create a calorie deficit by exercising to burn off extra calories before you ever indulge in your favorite foods. As much as we don’t want to hear it, eating less and exercising more is the winning formula to prevent weight gain during the holidays so increase your steps or lengthen your fitness routine the weeks ahead and especially the day of the feast.

Eat Breakfast

While you might think it makes sense to save up calories for the big meal, eating a small meal in the morning can give you more control over your appetite. Start your day with a small but satisfying breakfast — such as an egg with a slice of whole-wheat toast, or a bowl of whole-grain cereal with low-fat milk — so you won’t be starving when you arrive at the gathering.

Lighten Up

Whether you are hosting Thanksgiving dinner or bringing a few dishes to share, make your recipes healthier with less fat, sugar, and calories.

Police Your Portions

Thanksgiving tables are bountiful and beautiful displays of traditional family favorites. Before you fill your plate, survey the buffet table and decide what you’re going to choose. Then select reasonable-sized portions of foods you cannot live without. Also, don’t waste calories on foods that you can have all year long. Fill your plate with small portions of holiday favorites that only come around once a year so you can enjoy desirable, traditional foods. Also…

• Try to resist the temptation to go back for second helpings.
• Leftovers are much better the next day, and if you limit yourself to one plate, you are less likely to overeat and have more room for a delectable dessert.

Keep to Best Bets

While each of us has our own favorites, keep in mind that some holiday foods are better choices than others. White turkey meat, plain vegetables, roasted sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, defatted gravy, and pumpkin pie tend to be the best bets because they are lower in fat and calories. But if you keep your portions small, you can enjoy whatever you like.Slowly Savor

Eating slowly, putting your fork down between bites, and tasting each mouthful is one of the easiest ways to enjoy your meal and feel satisfied with one plate full of food. Choosing whole grains, fruits, vegetables, broth-based soups, salads, and other foods with lots of water and fiber add to the feeling of fullness.

Go Easy on Alcohol

Don’t forget those alcohol calories that can add up quickly. Have a glass of wine or a wine spritzer and between alcoholic drinks, (or) enjoy sparkling water. This way you stay hydrated, limit alcohol calories, and stay sober.

Be Realistic

The holiday season is a time for celebration. With busy schedules and so many extra temptations, this is a good time to strive for weight maintenance instead of weight loss. Shift from a mindset of weight loss to weight maintenance. You will be ahead of the game if you can avoid gaining any weight over the holidays.

Focus on Family and Friends

Thanksgiving is not just about the delicious bounty of food. It’s a time to celebrate relationships with family and friends. The main event should be family and friends socializing, spending quality time together, not just what is on the buffet.

And ain’t that the truth, my friends. So, to each and every one of you, have a happy, joyous and delicious Thanksgiving. I will check back in with you on Friday to see how you did (and let you know how I did). Hopefully I can maintain. And to all of us who are missing a loved one this Thanksgiving (I love you, Mama, so much and miss you) take time to be thankful for the ability to be happy and healthy. That is the best way to remember those not with us in body but always with us in spirit.

Enjoy, and have a slice of pumpkin pie for me, too.

Day eighty.

Hey there, my friends. For those of you old enough (or pop-culture savvy enough) to remember there are two references I’m going to drop on you today: the first is the movie “Around the World in 80 Days” and the second is the Fifth Dimension’s “Would You Like To Fly In My Beautiful Balloon.” I bring up both because both things reference travel via balloon.

Here I am at day eighty and I feel great. These past days have been a Godsend to me because, for the first time in my adult life, I am truly getting to the bottom of my addictive cycles so that I can, once and for all, get a handle on what made me self-medicate so I never EVER do it again. And how am I doing that? By getting into the figurative balloon in my head and taking a tour of my past so I can see where I never want to be again.

I told you guys yesterday how I had to get a handle on my chocolate and Coke Zero cravings, and that is true. But as I swim around my head on day eighty of my sobriety I now know at least I KNOW I have to do that and am not making excused for it. My old self used to do that. I know I need to workout, which I am doing later today with Sensei Doug. The old me would have given the gym a half-hearted attempt MAYBE and I wouldn’t have broken that much of a sweat. I know when I am being “triggered” to eat unnecessarily and do my best to stop that behavior. The old me would never have done that.

I have also rediscovered myself in all this. I used to spend so much time hiding things that I would almost binge on being me. My old path saw me do things that were unimaginable and horrible, among those was warping who I was to conform to what I thought others wanted of me. Ironically, I never did that in my weight loss. That I have always been truthful and honest about. I have my ups and downs and my struggles with food and my weight. But what is now so different is that, after taking my balloon trip in my head (and how fucked up does that sound – I sound like I’m crazy) I realized how much I didn’t like myself very much. Where food was concerned I just ate and ate to suppress and squash what I was feeling – toxic shame, anger, resentment, fear and low self-esteem. Food, at least for a while, kept all those down and let me run. Now, I like myself again and even bought me something that is huge for me – a Star Wars lunchbox.

Is it silly? Yes.

Is it necessary in my life? No.

Do I like it? Does it make me happy? Yes!

Should I give a shit what other people think about it? Hell no!

I have spent so much of my adult life doing things that, on the outside, seemed cool but I only did it for others. Now that I am working on me, by going to therapy and twelve-step meetings, I am truly liking myself again. More than that, I am embracing it and doing what I want to do, not what others prescribed for me.

In this wacky journey we call weight loss, yes, I have my ups and downs, but when I hover over that in my balloon and look over these past 80 days I see a guy who knows he will be OK. I know I will re-lose that weight and come out even stronger for it. Speaking of which I need to run and get ready so I can go kick some punching bag ass today with Sensei Doug.

Sometimes it is good to take a look at your own life from a different perspective, and rising above it, as if in a balloon, can do just the trick. Not only do you see where you’ve been clearly, you can see the road ahead of you…

…and, at least for me, you can do something that the Fifth Dimension also sings about – letting that sunshine in to help guide the way.

Let the sunshine…

Let the sunshine in.

The sun shine in…

Day fifty-two.

Ugh. I have a cold and I feel like crap today. It started with the always-suspicious scratchy, drippy throat yesterday. As soon as I felt it start I knew I was in for it, but I fought the brave fight. Even at my meeting last night I nursed a 32-ounce (!) hot tea from McDonald’s (one of the only things I will but from them AND it was on the way) complete with honey. I tried but, alas, the common cold won and today my throat is swollen and hurts like a mutha’, I have a slight fever and I am run down. As I said before…ugh!

I know I need to conserve strength today and rest. The problem inherent with that (and feeling like crap) is that you don’t feel like working out AND you need your strength to fight the bug so you have to eat. I don’t know about you but even looking at food sometimes adds inches to my thighs and belly, let alone actually having it. Double ugh! But I know that’s what I need and I will do it so I can get better faster (damned air-conditioning inside/humid-hot weather outside).

Despite feeling crappy, last night’s meeting was awesome. So many of us were sharing stories about ourselves and how we turned to food as comfort to help deal with shame, pain and events in our lives we all wanted to push down and forget. It was amazing learning that much more about the guys in the group, and oh how it helps knowing I’m not the only one who used/uses food to do that. Wow. So cool (yet so sad), indeed.

Food is always a temptation, isn’t it? No matter where you live you can always find some semblance of your “comfort foods” from childhood, your favorite ice-cream at the store, egg rolls, sandwich, loaded french fries, etc. Man, I wish I could go back in time and invest in then up-and-coming companies like Coke, Hostess and the like. This way, as I got to 400 pounds I’d me helping to make myself rich in the process (just a little fat humor there). I also wish I knew why food almost always is used to dull pain. I know the scientific reasons – that it triggers the release of dopamine (sp) and seratonin (sp) in the brain (pleasure chemicals) that make us feel euphoric. But I am talking about the actual WHY we search for pleasure in food.

Maybe it is because it is a constant. Maybe we always turn to food because it is always there, no matter where we live in the world. While so many of us feel fears of abandonment in life we know food won’t do that. It IS always there, readily available and standing by. (Shaking head) I see now how it works. See, this is how my brain functions when it’s got a fever and I’m feeling crappy. I just start thinking about the great mysteries of life and how to solve them. That’s why when we (O.K., I) move to a new area we both seek out and are bombarded with ads for easy foods like pizza. It is recognizable and, despite its many variations, pizza, after all, is pizza.

My friends, you’re gonna have to forgive me today for the blog being short and incoherent but, after a hard day of waking up with a cold, I need to go back to resting. But I will be going back to thinking about the why’s I ate/eat the way I did/do. Sure we need food but we don’t NEED food as much as we think we do. Sometimes just knowing we are not alone and can talk to people is more than enough to satisfy our real craving – for human company and understanding.

Day fifty-one.

This morning I am thinking about demons. Demons that seem unstoppable and invincible. Demons that, no matter what, can stand up to even time itself, the supposed great healer of all. Well, there are some things that time doesn’t take away, like pain. For example, it’s been almost a year and four months already since my mom, JoAnn Larson, passed away and I still feel that moment as if it were yesterday. I still feel the absence of her on this earth and, from what I hear from others who’ve lost parents, always will. Sure, time takes away some of the immediate sting but it never takes away the memory of the pain itself, and oh, how I wish it did.

When I was a child I was so ashamed of how I was living the shame became a tangible thing I touched every day. I felt my surroundings not only around me but inside me. I became saturated by the sights, sounds and smells of where I was living. I felt the roaches crawl on my skin. I could almost feel the gritty dirt on the faded light green of the walls. I smelled the accumulated smells in the carpet in the long hallway of my apartment building floor as the building passed into decrepit oblivion – the dust, garbage, people, old food, must and rodents all part of a gigantic trap from which I felt no release. Hell, I am also quite sure I went to school smelling of old cigarettes, since my mother loved unfiltered Pall Malls and we did live in one very small room. To this day I cannot stand the smell of old cigarette smoke which does get everywhere instantly no matter what a smoker might tell you to the contrary. That is a pain from which I have been removed for more than twenty years but which still helped define me, both in good ways and bad.

The pain and shame of that place, combined with burying that pain and numbing it with X, Y and Z helped to create an addict, one that became seriously addicted to food as part of a cycle that led me to my life’s rock bottom. Then, lump on other unhappinesses, disappointments, anger, the inability to express myself, job stress, relationship bullshit and more and, over the years, the pain and shame became sentient, a living breathing demon who still inhabits parts of my brain and soul.

When you train yourself to numb things it is very hard to not numb them anymore. Food tastes good. I love good Chinese food (notice I said GOOD Chinese food, like Chicago good not Jersey/Philly so-so), I love sweet rolls (good bakery sweet rolls like my mom and I used to get on Sundays to eat while reading the paper), I love ice-cold Coca-Colas which at one point were bottles of ice-cold Pepsi, I love mashed potatoes, fried things, chocolate things, buttery things, Italian Beefs, cheesesteaks, french fries…I love it all. But I was “using,” using all that and more to numb a pain and truth which I have only recently come to grapple with and understand. Once I did that I was truly able to see food and other things weren’t enjoyable, they were the heroin I injected into my veins to make the world and its reality go away for just a little while.

That is addiction. That is food addiction. When using what is normal, everyday, commonplace pleasurable and warping it into something that not only is bad but also feeds the demon(s) born from long days ago. That is how demons can withstand the test of time.

I am doing my absolute best to curtail these demons and live a healthier, happier life. In fact I’m gonna fight the food demon as soon as I am done posting today by working out in the gym (since it is quite rainy today in southern New Jersey). Fifty-one days is truly a blessing and one on which I intend to build a foundation of good for my life and those wonderful people in it. I won’t let them down because I won’t let myself down again. Not like that. Not ever.

Time may heal some things but it doesn’t heal others. That’s O.K., because it’s what we do with today that matters. We may not be able to change what happened before but we sure as hell can control what happens today, tomorrow and in all the tomorrows yet to come.And so far I have fifty-one of them. Of all the things I’ve collected in my lifetime, days of sobriety are what I want a treasure trove of in the future.

Day fifty.

Hey there, everybody. I am sitting at the computer this morning humbled and appreciative. Why? Two reasons: One, they were two of the topics in last night’s twelve-step meeting. Two,  that last night’s meeting was probably the most powerful twelve-step meeting I have attended yet, for while I am on a better and healthier path for myself I am concerned for a guy in the group who I will call “Ray.”

Ray and I have spoken just a few times over the last few weeks. We never get into any kind of deeper discussion about anything (it’s always football or stuff like that). But last night Ray shared something very powerful with the group, something that made me have to catch my own breath. Something that made me both humbled and appreciative at the same time. Something that reminded me why I am on my new path and why I need to be on it for the rest of my life.

You see, Ray’s spouse left him because of his addictions (yes, he has more than one, that much I know). They finally took their toll and now Ray feels alone, scared and, most of all, like acting out. Thank God there were 23 other people in the room last night (the biggest crowd I’ve seen since starting to go to these meetings) most of whom Ray knows and who knew Ray. After Ray “shared” with the group I sat there in stunned silence. I hadn’t planned on sharing or saying anything last night. Just thank God, the spirit of my mom and the universe for the blessings of this past week silently and appreciate the chance to rediscover life and being a better human being. But after Ray shared I felt compelled to share. And this is what I basically shared:

That we, in this or any group like it, are damned lucky to be in such a fellowship and community. That no matter what addictions you are going through, and yes, absolutely, this does include any and all food addictions, there are people who understand. There are people who may not know the particular details of a person’s individual story but who, through sharing, can show they understand how another person feels and why they may do certain things because of the similarities in their own lives. Most of all, how lucky and blessed we all are that we can come to that room however many times a week and, for that hour, be in the safest room there is, to let loose, to share, get current, get angry or just be happy, especially in a world that is filled with people and other groups that may or may not understand (or want to understand) what’s going on and how serious and real something is.

When the meeting was over I gave Ray a hug, as did a few other guys in the group, and I left with a renewed sense of life. Ray, in his sharing, admitted he felt like acting out. He has not discussed specifically how he does act out but I am scared he will. He did mention twice before he acts out with food, and that has me worried, too, for I know all too well how comfort food makes false promises of support while leaving you the next day with nothing but disappointment in your soul and extra pounds on your hips and ass.

I said a prayer for Ray last night and sent a gentle wish on the wind that he has the strength to make it to the next meeting despite the temptations in the world to act out. I have felt that way in my life, too, and did and for that I will forever be ashamed. But I have learned where I don’t want to be ever again in life, in part because that unhappiness and need led to me being so heavy in the first place. No matter what I am so very thankful that I did bottom out and realize, in more ways than one, how I never wanted to be the old Bill ever again.

As we start this week take a moment in your day to say a prayer for the “Rays” in your lives, people you know who are struggling with problems that might make them do crazy, whacked out things, and give them a call, drop them a letter or e-mail or just give them a hug. Let them know they are not alone as I let you all know you are not alone on this sometimes treacherous and tricky road we call weight loss. There may be pitfalls, potholes and uneven pavement but we help each other past those things. Our stories may be different but they are the same, and I, for one, am so very grateful to you all that you are out there, too, because it reminds me of the blessings I have in life and that I, too, am not alone.

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Day forty-four.

As you could tell from my posting yesterday I do my best to make “living amends,” meaning even if the people I have wronged in life don’t know, care, support or accept my attempts to put things right I know I am still walking and living the path to being a better, healthier and stronger man free of who and what I was before.But yesterday was a pretty rough. It’s been forty-four days and in each and every one of those days I have done my best to do at least one thing to reclaim my humanity and be my mother’s son again. Yesterday, though, I just fell apart and questioned everything, especially whether or not I was even worth it all.

No matter what your drug of choice might be, if you’re an addict you hurt people in the most acute of ways and that pain can last a lifetime. In exploring my past and trying to reconnect exactly what made me an addict and turn to my drugs, including food, I realize how ashamed I was of me even way back when I was a child. I was ashamed about how I grew up in a one-room, roach-infested apartment in an old hotel, I was ashamed I never had any money, I was ashamed I couldn’t afford new clothes and had to wear pants and shirts with holes in them and I was ashamed I didn’t have the seemingly normal life my friends seemed to have. I was so ashamed I lied about it all and that was the beginning of two things – my creation of alternate realities to suit a false image to others and my turning to food as comfort to numb and take away the pain.

Like I said last night was a rough one and sitting there thinking about it all I started to cry. I started to cry and really question whether or not I was really worthy of the chances I’ve been given in life. I sat there and wondered out loud whether or not I was doing anybody any good and whether or not the demons, dark forces and black holes that had surrounded me in life were right all along – that I was nothing, a bad person not worthy of redemption.

That’s when the oldest demon of all came for a visit. The demon of food. He came to me and put his arm around me. “There, there,” he said, “it’s going to be alright. Why don’t you just hop in the car and grab some Chinese food and we can talk about it.”

“Fuck,” I thought to myself, “Chinese does sound so good.” I thought about all the other foods that would make me feel better – cheeseburgers, Taco Bell, anything…anything to just numb the pain of what I was feeling. Anything to run away from it.

But I couldn’t run any longer. Forty-four days ago I said I wasn’t going to run and hide anymore from life, the pain or the truth and I wasn’t going to start last night. Forty-four days is how long I’ve been sober, and telling the truth about things and being honest with myself and I’m not going to start breaking that especially with food. Fuck that, and fuck all the bad thoughts I had last night. We do need to face our fears, doubts, anxieties, anger, sadness and pain but we can do that without compounding those feelings with even more shame – the shame of acting out in some way that does take us express to the people we were before.

I did, however, compromise and had some strawberry ice-cream. It was creamy, smooth and delicious. After that I was done. I was done with the cravings. Every day, every single day, I work the twelve steps in my mind and try to be a better person, whether others think it or not. But I am so lucky I am surrounded by people who do think I am worth it even I don’t necessarily believe it myself some days. That includes the spirit of my mom, JoAnn Larson, who was wise in so many wonderful ways that her brilliance astounds me to this day and always will.

I will never go back to being 400 pounds. That man was unhappy, and profoundly so, for so many reasons. However, I do have work to do. I am down a few ounces today and that is a start. Hell, I might have even cried out those ounces but they are gone and I am down slightly. I have always told you out there you are not alone and I meant it. There are times I feel beaten down, unworthy, tired, angry and defeated and I want to eat, too. I do. I sooooo do. I want to run away and drown out the noise and numb the pain with food that tastes so good. That is being human. But there is one thing on our side that keeps us sane – reason. We have the ability to reason and figure out/discover the WHYs and HOWs of things so we don’t keep doing the same shit over and over to detrimental effect to others but, most of all, to ourselves.

That is how we survive. That is how we move forward. That is how we will win.

I woke up today feeling much better. The sun was shining (still is) and the crisp morning air felt good. Most of all, I had reached day forty-four and I am lucky and blessed for that because so many people can’t and don’t even reach day one. Yes, I woke up this morning feeling better and today is dedicated to surviving, to moving forward and most of all, to winning so I can smile and reach day forty-five. Even after such a dark night of the soul I know I am worth it. We are all worth it.

PS: I had a low-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast. Funny how feeling good keeps you from going to the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

Day thirty-nine.

I have a neighbor whose name is Hector. He lives just around the corner from me and he’s a friendly guy. He is always walking around the neighborhood saying “hello” to people and he always has a smile on his face whenever you see him and every day Monday through Friday he is off to enjoy a day’s worth of activities someplace nearby. Seeing Hector and hearing Hector makes me feel lucky in so many ways every single day. Why? Because Hector is physically and mentally challenged.

I am not sure exactly from what or which challenge Hector suffers but it’s clear. Whenever I see Hector he always says “hey” and I always say “hey” back but what I really want to say is “you poor guy. I am so sorry you are afflicted the way you are.” But does he or would he ever want my pity? No. He, I assume, would just want my simple understanding that he is different. That’s all. Of course he can’t run, jump or even carry on a conversation at the level you and I are used to. But in Hector’s disability comes an incredible ability – the ability to just smile and try to appreciate the life he has.

I am quite sure he and his family go through the same things other families go through when a person can’t take care of themselves. They get frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious and tired and want some type of “vacation” away from the responsibility for that level of care. My aunt told me as much taking care of my mom, JoAnn’s, during her final months and in a letter or two after she died. It is a hefty burden, indeed, to care for someone that way but it makes me think about where my life has taken me in these almost 40 years.

Over 40 days ago I was in the throws of addiction and didn’t know how, when or where to get help. But thanks to the catastrophic failures I experienced I am now on a path of sobriety and recovery. I can again really taste food, enjoy it, enjoy being outside, exercising and more…and all because my heart, mind and soul are all now one again and in the same place. It’s sad, though. Before, when I was much sicker, I never thought about the lessons Hector could teach me. Now that I can think clearly I can see the absolute lessons God, my mom’s spirit and the universe are throwing my way.

Life is just too fucking short sometimes. You hear all the time about teens having their lives cut short in accidents or by health conditions about which they didn’t know. You see on the news horrific stories about people disgruntled at work grabbing a gun and blowing people away (which unfortunately happened recently in the Philadelphia area) just because of disagreements and perceived animosities. And you see all the time people who need help just walking down the street but who give it their absolute best because they are trying to cling to what’s left of their independence. But here I was pissing my life away with addictions, which did include food, wasting the gifts I was given for such a long time.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Well, so is health sometimes.

I would dare me, you, kids these days – anybody – to trade places with Hector for just five minutes. Use some sci-fi machinery to switch bodies for just five minutes and I would bet you anything, ANYTHING, that each and every person who did that would forever appreciate even the simplest of gifts like mobility and speech, gifts we all too often take for granted. In these sobering days I am soooooo appreciating life in ways I never imagined before because I could see where my life was going and where I would have ended up. I have always said to you I know I would have died sooner and not later if I stayed at 400 pounds and I will believe that until the day I see my mom again.

Why am I so down today? I’m not really, for if you listen you will hear the voice of someone who is breathing again and someone who is loving life and who will always do his best from now on to live each day well and appreciate everything in it. Even the simple ability to type out this silly weight loss blog every damn day is a gift, as is the gift of being able to exercise, take my mixed martial arts class and keep my weight in check so I can enjoy activities I’ve never done before. I will also no longer be bad about my eating because I don’t want to gain that weight back for if I did, that would be spitting in the face of all we work so hard to do every single day to maintain weight loss. It would also insult my mom. No,  I will not squander life and it’s gifts, including time, ever, EVER again.

So, the next time you are down about anything go for a walk, exercise, write a letter or talk to a friend. They may seem like simple things to you and me but these are all things Hector can’t do. And just when you think life isn’t going your way remember I know one guy who lives just around the corner who, I’m sure, would be more than happy to trade places with any one of us in a heartbeat to live the lives we live and be free from his own limitations.

Day thirty-eight.

I will apologize now if today’s entry seems a bit off. It comes from my experiences attending last night’s meeting. There’s just no other way to say this, but last night’s twelve-step meeting was weird. There was just a weird energy in the room. As there were twelve of us and it was all guys, the subtle movie reference to “Twelve Angry Men” wasn’t lost on me, but it was the tone that was different and more pronounced. It wasn’t angry. It was a tone of desperation. Quiet desperation. That’s the only way I can put it to you.

I am always humbled being in my meetings because I find people struggling with the same addictions from which I suffer (including the urge to eat everything in sight). It helps to ground me and make me absolutely thankful for the life I have. But I have to admit sometimes I do not suffer from the same moods others do, and there seemed to be a sense in the room from several of the guys of just going through the motions and being there just to be there, saying things because they are correct and guys “telling” on themselves as if in Catholic confessional – as if to clear their consciences of what they’ve done so they can maybe do it again. I don’t know how much of this had to do with last night’s topic of amends-making but it was clear several of the guys just wanted to get stuff off their chests, which is cool, but it seemed the desperation felt by them was of feeling lost and not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

As I sat and listened I felt compelled, almost, to just say something positive just to have a positive affirmation of some type in the air. It wasn’t a “blow smoke up your ass” kind of comment, it was honest, but I wanted it to be of some affirmation that we were all doing well offering each other friendship and fellowship while working on those afore-mentioned amends, not just to others but to ourselves, too, because, in my mind, we absolutely have to continue backing up those amends with actions. That, and only that, makes those amends stick and mean something. I’ll give you an example related to food.

Last month I received free coupons in the mail for Chick-Fil-A (and I loves me some Chick-Fil-A). These coupons were for a free breakfast sandwich, a free Spicy Chicken Sandwich and a free Coke Zero. I may not be able to use all the coupons at the same time but this small sheet of coupons is rare because no other purchases were required. Just drive up, order the freebie, turn over the appropriate coupon and leave. Easy-peasy. But my problem comes in when I think about the WHY I want to take advantage of those coupons.

Not growing up with very much food I hoarded what I could. That comes from the insecurity of abandonment, that feeling of “what will I have if this goes away?” That’s all. Being in good therapy these days I recognize it for what it is and I am now better-equipped to say “food will not leave me, even if I do not take advantage of this coupon.” My conflict comes also from it being free food and a waste if I don’t use it, which goes against my grain to use the blessing of free food when and where I can. However, I made an apology to myself for being 400 pounds in the first place and for regaining 20 or so pounds after mom died.  I made an amends to get right with myself to re-re-re-re-lose this last bloody 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight.  If I used those coupons, even though it is for free food, it would mean my amends meant nothing (especially since the chicken sandwich in question is deep-fried and the breakfast sandwiches, while yummy, aren’t the healthiest for you, calorically speaking).

So, in my meeting last night I tried to say to these guys, “look, we are here working on this but we need to keep working on this. We can’t just come here to spout off and go away. This is as honest and as real as it gets and we have to back up those amends for not only the people in our lives but for ourselves. That’s why we’re here.” God, I hope that message got through because I take sobriety and addiction very seriously, especially since it can so frequently involve food and eating and easy, easy weight gain.

I left that room last night as fast as I could without being rude because I wanted to be back in my positive zone. I know there will be times I am down in the dumps but I will remember my blessings and push through those times because, having been where I’ve been, I never want to be there again. Ever. That includes being 400 pounds because quietly desperate times like last night make the desires for cheeseburgers, fried mushrooms, Chinese food, pizza and more that much stronger. But it’s through the amends process, and the twelve steps, that I am trying my best to not just SAY I’m gonna be better but actually BE better in my new and healthier reality.

Day Thirty-three.

Well, here we are again. We reached the end of another week and, as usual, my brain is toast.  Overall, it’s been a pretty good week except I am desperately trying to shed these remaining, stubborn-ass pounds. I don’t like being up in my weight but am looking forward to my martial arts workout today as I continue on my path toward better health (and a lighter weight).

There are a number of factors that have gone into my recent weight gain but ultimately what made me gain weight back was my eating, my soda drinking, my dessert eating, my snack binging and my non-portion controlling. That’s all it is, plain and simple, and I freely and willingly admit to it. I have always emotionally eaten and thanks to some good old-fashioned therapy I am finding out exactly why. Shame.

It’s amazing what we do to abuse ourselves out of shame. Some people lash out at the world while others, like me, try to hide it all and stuff it down to lock it away using things like food. Wow. I never realized how much I had packed away down there until I started opening up the boxes and seeing what there was inside.

I know I’ve told you guys about not having much money growing up, and because of that my mom and I frequently didn’t know where our next meal was coming from. But what I didn’t tell you about was the shame that caused. It caused shame because I could never have friends over to my place, and even if I did (which I would never have) I didn’t have what other homes had – video games, a VCR (yes, it was the 80’s after all) or even a color TV. I know my mom did the best for me she could and loved me very much but those things, combined with the almost constant verbal abuse spouted by kids (hey fatty, Buffalo Bill, etc.) made me just want to go hide. What it ended up doing, though, is creating someone who falsely depended on food to mask his pain and toxic shame.

Food was my solace. It was my way out and my drug of choice back then to make the world go away for a precious little while. And when it was Chinese food from my favorite place, Lung Wah Chop Suey on 53rd Street, I was in self-medicated heaven. Their egg rolls still have their taste etched onto the permanent memory of my taste buds, and the beef chop suey such a comfort that any place that serves a beef chop suey today has a special place in my heart.

That is what shame can do, and my over 400 pounds is what stuffing all that shame down with food can do.

Today is the start of the weekend and, as you regular readers know (and thank you for being out there) I worry about the weekends because I tend to let go a little more than I should. But I am so trying, especially now that I am better than I have ever been in my life, to purge the bad and dark energies and karma in my life to get to the real me again. And yes, it will be a me, in part, that is at or around 225 pounds.

I know I’ve told you all before that you can do it but I need to say today that you do need to get down to why you are really eating to do it. Are you sad, lonely, depressed, angry, upset, foolish, in denial, happy or tense? Dare I say there is an emotional reason deeply rooted in you that is causing you to act out and eat. This may all be conjecture on my part and certainly doesn’t take into account those of you out there who suffer from a medical condition that makes you gain and/or doesn’t allow you to lose weight, but I’d be willing to guess that for most of us we are masking something deep down that is the root cause of our eating.

My friends, it is time to be brave and address what is really going on inside. We spend so much of our lives trying to hide these things that we end up putting so much pressure on ourselves just to maintain the ruse. You are worth more than that, believe me, you are. And I am sure that whatever is causing you to feel shame, guilt, remorse, anger, fear, regret, all of it, once found can actually help you see why that cheeseburger doesn’t taste as good as you think it does.

In my life’s journey, and in my weight loss journey, I have discovered many things. But most of all, through trials and a helluva lot of errors, I’ve found that I am worth it as a person to be healthier and to live a long and happy life. We all need food to survive, and we should all enjoy the foods we eat because they are good and part of life’s most wonderful experiences. But food is not a drug and should never be used as one. We should not need it to be because, in the end, we must not let whatever feelings we truly have buried bury us for real.

Today is Friday, the sun is shining and it is a beautiful day. Go out and enjoy it and this amazing weekend. And if you have to work, have a multitude of errands to run or are going through something in your lives take heart. There is someone out here who understands and who understands the why and how of weight gain and loss. And who, like you, wants to truly get better about taking care of the one person we should always take care of first and foremost – ourselves.