Determined To Succeed

Day Thirty-two.

I don’t know if you guys know about this or not, but NASA confirmed yesterday two small asteroids passed within the moon’s distance from the Earth about 12 hours apart. Yep, near-Earth asteroid 2010 RX30, which is estimated to be 32 to 65 feet in diameter, passed within 154,000 miles of Earth around 5:51 a.m. ET, while the second object, 2010 RF12, estimated to be 20 to 46 feet in diameter, passed within 49,088 miles of Earth close to 5:12 pm ET. This double encounter was unusual in the sense that NASA spotted the objects three days in advance and successfully plotted their orbits, demonstrating the need for closer monitoring of near space for Earth-threatening encounters.

According to Donald Yeomans, manager of NASA’s Near Earth Program, which tracks potentially hazardous asteroids and comets within 28 million miles of Earth, the ability to track these asteroids days in advance of their “arrival” confirms that the process NASA has in place (whereby they find, observe and then quickly predict when such things pass Earth to get that info out) works pretty well.

I would say so, although my initial gut reaction was “holy crap, it’s ‘Armageddon’ and we need Bruce Willis to go up in a shuttle and yell ‘yippee-kay-a mother fucker’ before saying ‘we win, Gracie’ and blowing up the damn thing. My second reaction was to think back to a time when I was a kid working on his science fair project about space, specifically black holes.

According to the general theory of relativity, a black hole is a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon and it is called “black” because it absorbs all the light that hits it, reflecting nothing, just like a perfect black body in thermodynamics.

All of that is a fancy way of saying ain’t nuthin’ gettin’ out of any black hole.

Thinking back over the past few decades I have come to realize how very close I actually got to that event horizon in my life, that point from which I could never have returned because of my behaviors and my fractured soul. And thinking about how close I got made me shudder but instantly thankful I was able to bottom out and escape the nothingness of true failure.

Last year I wrote a couple of pieces on failure. I wrote them after attending church one Sunday and hearing the pastor talk about a passage in the Bible that says how people will fall and rise seven times as we try to achieve success or victory over evil.

I’m human, and humans look for too many quick fixes, solutions, methods or excuses so there’s (or seems to be) less likelihood of failure, I wrote, and how we use these things to blame someone or something else for our failures. We say to ourselves: “Oh, well I ordered that thing and did what I was supposed to do to lose weight but it didn’t work.” My friends, I said it then and I will repeat it now, the highest peaks of our achievements and successes always go through the lowest valleys of failure. And humility, patience, the ability to learn and grow from mistakes and, most of all, appreciation for success comes from failure.

Having known what true failure is in life I truly appreciate the feelings I now have of sobriety and being a better human being each and every day. Not acting out (especially with food and eating – I was so much better yesterday) and appreciating life again and all its positive energies is what I will continue to do throughout the rest of my life – that is my focus. But there are forces out there in the universe like those asteroids and like those black holes that threaten our stability, even our very sanity, and we must do our best, like NASA, to see them coming and prepare for them so we can avoid the blackness and destruction they bring.

No journey worth taking is without risk, pitfalls, bumps and dangers. I know that. In my current weight loss journey, for example, I am still trying to re-lose this damn extra almost 14 pounds (grrrrrrr). But I will, especially now, succeed in all the aspects of my life especially when I can see asteroids or black holes coming my way. There are black holes out there in the universe, but it’s the stars and light that surround them that mark their path so we can avoid them along our journey. I came dangerously close to the event horizon once in my life and I will be damned if I ever again get that close no matter how the universe can sometimes conspire to want me to fail again. And you should hold onto that assurance, too, that you can and will achieve success in your life no matter how many times you stumble. We are all human and we will achieve success together.

Bruce Willis is a person and an actor. He’s not Harry Stamper, the character he portrayed in “Armageddon,” and he won’t be flying at 22,500 mph to land on that asteroid and blow it up before it hits earth. No, my success or failure in the end depends on one person, me, and I am holding firm at thirty-two days and counting that I will continue to grow, be positive, be a better man day by precious day and be my mother’s son again.

Day thirty-one.

I’ve talked about going to twelve-step meetings before but last night’s meeting was weird. It even started off weirdly. The leader of the group couldn’t make it so it was up to the rest of us to make do. That was fine, though. Someone even brought a copy of the booklet that tells us the order of things in the meeting. What made the meeting weird were the topics selected for discussion – PMS and forgiveness.

Now before you go thinking we discussed THAT PMS, the PMS we discussed stood for pain, misery and suffering. This topic was brought up by a guy in the group who has been going through his own bit of a tough time and I think he just wanted to let some of that out in group. O.K., I can roll with that, but it made everyone in the group tense and unsure because, while the subject of forgiveness is pretty straight forward, none of us could define pain, misery and suffering in the same ways.

The guy who brought it up talked about his own pain and suffering as well as the pain and suffering of someone with whom he recently shared a hospital room. Others brought up different specific occurrences of things that had happened, including acting out, that had made them each go through pain, misery and suffering. And more than one person talked about “self-medicating” some of that PMS away with food (and I could so totally relate to that with my own eating patterns as of late). When it became my turn to speak I thought about PMS in two different ways – my own general PMS and the PMS I have caused others.

You never really quite know what goes into the recipe for an addict. Oh sure there are the things you know will cause damage to a person but I was never abused by my mom. Not once ever, yet there are so many lingering things that happened, including how and where we lived, that did cause my own form of PMS, hence why I became an addict. Then I thought about the PMS I caused others with my actions, another reason I go to meetings. I know I have done wrong but I am trying to be a better man and do a better job of it every single day.

Then it came to the topic of forgiveness. I think the energy of the room, set by the guy with his suggestion of PMS, didn’t really let the positive energy of forgiveness in. In other words, people wanted to be in their pain last night and feel it. But does it make me wrong for not wanting to be in such a negative place? I don’t think so.

There comes a point in every situation in life when you come to a bridge. It connects the feelings, actions and thoughts of the past with the dreams, wishes and positive energies for the future. Sometimes, you don’t know how or when it’s appropriate to begin crossing that bridge due to guilt (like causing so many others PMS) but you know in your heart and mind it is time to do it and I did, because if I am to become that better man I always talk about I have to cross that bridge. And because it’s a bridge there is always a link to the past even though my feet are heading to that better future.

At the end of the meeting last night I did my best to leave that room as fast as I could. I wasn’t trying to be rude, and there are a couple of people who are cool in that group, but I wanted as much distance between myself and that PMS energy as possible last night. And there’s nothing wrong with that.  You know I think all the time about my eating patterns, and how lately I’ve been so bad because of various emotions – guilt, sadness, anger, happiness, nervousness – and I need to get a handle on that, too. That is part of forgiveness, and like I’ve always said in this weight loss journey (or any journey for that matter) you have to forgive yourself the past to be able to cross that bridge. If you don’t, and you keep using food to run away from what you are truly feeling, there is no way you can move across that bridge into a better future for yourself.

I ended the night last night watching the end of a beautiful movie called “City of Angels.” In it Nicolas Cage plays an angel who, after falling in love with a doctor played by Meg Ryan, decides to give up being an angel and fall to earth to be with her. It was romantic, ethereal and cool, but the true message of the movie was about embracing life. In that movie, angels cannot feel. They cannot taste, smell or touch (or be touched), and the sensations of water when you swim are completely lost on them because of it. I won’t give away the ending (and you should really watch this flick) but Cage’s angel finds a way at the end to leave the past behind and enjoy and embrace life. He goes for a swim, and he can finally experience what a pear tastes like and he knows that just one moment with Ryan was worth the journey he undertook. And its in the last moments of film we see that he will be OK in his new human life experiencing the beauty of his newly-found humanity.

That was a wonderful way to end my night and a beautiful way to start my day.

Day twenty-four.

Happy September, everyone. Man, yesterday I was both a mess and euphoric. I admit, when I’m sick, I’m a bit of a baby especially since I don’t get sick very often. And while it wasn’t the full-bore cold it could have been it was enough to sap my strength, make my head all poofy and have my throat all scratchy and in pain the whole day. On the other hand, I took care of myself, something I haven’t done really for a long, long time and part of that care involved two things: taking myself for a nice walk in the clean, hot air and going to a twelve-step meeting last night.

I was very torn about the walk. I had zero energy and motivation to get up from the couch and I sure as hell didn’t want to get ready and dressed to walk outside for an hour. But I had to clear my head. Not just physically because of the cold or because I felt like acting out or anything, but because I was mulling something over in my brain. I was thinking about everything and needed some time to commune with nature and my mom, JoAnn’s, spirit to help me be calm and relax. Later, I attended my twelve-step meeting which, I have to say is a wonderful way to re-juice the soul because it’s great knowing you have the fellowship and support of the people around you on any given night.

Whenever I sit in that room and listen to others I gain new perspectives on things. They help me turn things over in my brain and center me and last night’s meeting gave me a good idea of what pain is like from the perspective of someone experiencing it. I have to tell you how powerful that is, and how humbling. It strips away every piece of bullshit inside you and makes you feel something which, for many of us, is for the first time in years. Feeling the pain of others makes me realize and understand the pain I have put people through in my life. I may not be able to fully make amends to those people but I sure am trying the best way I know how – going to these meetings and getting the help I need.

I can only imagine that other addictions are the same at their core. You crave X and will do anything – lie, cheat, hurt people, shut yourself off – just to have X. That also goes for food. But with addiction, the more you spiral down into it the more shame you feel, therefore you withdraw more and more into your world, alone and broken not knowing how to get out.

After feeling the sun on my face yesterday and after going to my meeting I felt present. Yes, it does hurt to hear these things and yes, it does hurt facing them but any addict needs to if they are to get out of their own personal abyss. It needs to be felt because our emotions have been out of it for so long and it does cause others great pain. That goes for food, drugs, alcohol, whatever. If recovery were easy it wouldn’t work, plain and simple. Put another way, we addicts need to feel to know what it’s like to be a human being again, one that’s not driven by a drug but one that is driven by being a feeling being.

That is why I was euphoric. I felt that pain yesterday. I felt it. I wasn’t distracting myself and it felt good. That’s why I didn’t give in to the temptation to just be a slug on my couch. I got up and walked. I did that to take care of me in my recovery from being under the weather. And I went to my twelve-step meeting to take care of me in my recovery to heal as a human being to try to be a good and decent man.

I am starting to come back down in my weight, too. I am at 235 even today and that feels amazing. I can feel that excitement again. I have a measly ten pounds to go to re-achieving my goal weight and I will one day. I will because I recognize what it’s like to turn off and medicate and numb yourself to reality. However, now I am facing reality for the first time and it strengthens me, thank God. That goes for my weight loss journey, too. I was so worried about handling one addiction I was turning back to food as comfort. I just realized it and got a handle on both, that’s all. And I was able to do that because the pieces of my soul that had been gone for so long are now coming back and making me here and present and alive.

It’s amazing what a person can do when they have their soul back. It is. That will give me the strength to kick that bag today and that will give me the strength to carry on in weight loss and in recovery. And in the end, I won’t be a mess anymore. I will be healed in body, mind and, most of all, spirit so I never again fall into the dark abyss I was in for so long.

Day eighteen.

Today I am a bundle of energy and a bundle of nerves. What a way to start the day. You know that feeling. It’s anticipation, that feeling when you are expecting something or waiting for something to happen but don’t quite know when it is so you sit and wait…and wait some more.

Yesterday I met with Dr. John, the first of two appointments I had and I have gotta tell ya, it was a meeting well-worth going to. He was awesome. In just five minutes of talking to me his experience told him so much about me that I sat there, dumbfounded, at how much he could read me like the pages of an open book. He told me about behaviors, and he told me about addictions and addictive traits. Most of all, though, he challenged me. He challenged me by slicing through my bullshit and hitting me with one gut-wrenching but true fact.

He said, “Bill, because of your addiction, you are only using 20% of your full potential.”

It’s not easy when you’re told how much better you could be if you didn’t piss away a portion of your life wasting time on something that had such control over your life like this did mine. What he said hurt and it was on my mind the rest of the day. Not necessarily in a bad way but in a “wake up” way.

I used to be so fucking arrogant. I always used to think I was better than most people, especially people you can look at and say “damn, they look fucked up, don’t they?!” The “rode hard, put away wet people” who look drugged out and knocked out even when out in daylight. Why do I say this? Because one of the reasons I am in this predicament is that I was arrogant enough to believe I was above this kind of shit. I went to college, got a degree and used to hold a $70K-a-year job. I hung out with people who were not like the people you see hanging out on street corners. I hung out with like-minded, well-educated people who talked politics and drank martinis, not baby-mamas and daddies who couldn’t put together a cohesive sentence if they tried. I was arrogant, conceited and just plain wrong, and in the end I learned I was no better. Not only that, I was worse because I knew better! I had access to all the resources in the world. I just chose to ignore it all for my addiction. That’s what an addiction does to you. It puts you in a leaky-ass boat on the river of denial without a paddle.

I once thought my accomplishments were pretty cool, and some of them are. I’ve met people who were pretty important, politicians, celebrities and the like, and have done things I am very proud of (like having the Chicago Sun-Times print the American flag as a pull-out page so people could show the flag after September 11, 2001 or helping a mom give her dying son the experience of a lifetime simply by setting up a movie screening). But these are moments, moments that showed signs of the potential I knew I could reach but never did because I was afraid. Stupidly but plainly afraid, and part of that fear was letting go of the addictions in my life.

When I started attending twelve-step meetings I was nervous so I sat and observed minor details, like that the meeting was comprised of this many women and and that many men, some older, some younger, some white and some not (there was one woman who was Filipino, I think, and one black guy which, with me, made one-and-a-half black guys, I guess). And they all looked normal. And ain’t that a shitty thing to say, “they looked normal.” Like you can tell what an addict looks like on sight. But as I am being honest here (truly, a new thing for me) and since I am trying to keep this as real as I can I was half-expecting to see people who looked like they did crack as a hobby or never left the world of Dungeons & Dragons and used the internet as their own personal girlfriend or boyfriend.

But that’s not the truth. The truth is the people I saw and met looked like the people you stand in line with at the store, take your orders for crappy merchandise on the phone and do your taxes. They are normal every day people who were nice, accepting and non-judgmental. In other words, they looked just like you and me. People like your neighbors, friends and family members. People who are in front of you at the drive-thru in the morning and behind you in church on Sunday afternoons. We are everywhere and we need help and I, for one, am so glad I finally admitted it to myself and others.

That is why I am a bundle of energy and nerves today. I am ready. Finally fucking ready to not be a coward any more. You see, honesty in any shape or form was such a foreign concept to me and lying such a way of life that anything honest, truly honest, felt wrong. I even made attempts to stop my behavior and failed and that shame held me back. My actions held me back. But I am not accepting failure anymore.  I am committed to getting well again, gaining control over my life and being my mother, JoAnn’s, son again. And I am finally ready to live up to my fullest potential not just in career but as a human being. I am.

This road we travel is a scary one but I am doing my best to hold my head up high and make that inventory of myself to make sure I never do the things I’ve done again. And everything I’ve said here and the past three weeks is absolutely applicable to weight loss, it is, because food can be an addiction. It certainly was for me. And once we restore that sanity, regain that control and live up to our fullest potential we can achieve our goals and dreams.

My name is Bill and this is my on-going story. Thank you for listening and thanks for letting me share.

Day Twelve.

Odds are, at some point in your life, you will visit a cemetery or two. Personally, I find them and their history fascinating, especially when their history, in part, is told by the inscription on its tombstones and grave markers. Some of them are funny, and some tell a story, but all of them list a birth year and a death year. I don’t know one that doesn’t. In the past few weeks I’ve come to realize just how much of an addict I’ve been, one created when I was a kid and finally admitted to now.

There are so many similarities between the different types of addictions that it usually becomes just a matter of which drug you choose. You’ve heard me say over these past couple of weeks how I merely went from one drug to another, but that lesson got hammered home to me yesterday when I was cooking.

There was a huge time in my life when food was my drug of choice. Food was my escape. It was my security. It was my warmth. It was always there. Dammit, I wish I could have seen how much I was “using” back then. Because I grew up with no money and only a hotplate on which to cook (we owned two pans – one to boil water in and one frying pan) my mom and I ate out almost always. Most kids would kill to eat out as much as we did and have the foods I had – Chinese food, pizza, meatball sandwiches, McDonald’s – but they didn’t realize how good they had it because the meals they had were created in their own homes by people who spent time, energy and love making whatever was served, not food picked up on the streets. The meals my friends had were honest meals, and while in no way, shape or form am I saying my mom failed (she did an absolutely amazing job doing the best she could to feed us) what kid – what adult – doesn’t like a good home-cooked meal not just because of the food but what it means…that its earned from the journey and not acquired.

Yesterday I got a wild hair to actually cook something. I was sitting around thinking to myself how much I wanted to get my hands dirty and create something from scratch. I dug up and old recipe I’d been saving for a seven-cheese mac and cheese and headed off to the store. It was exciting to be in the store looking around for the ingredients, eventually enlisting the help of one of the store’s workers to help me find the cheeses I needed. He was awesome and the more and more I put the ingredients in my cart the more and more I knew this was going to be good. I could feel it in my bones.

When I cook there’s always a mess. I’m not the neatest cook there is. I don’t throw bits of this and scores of flower or that everywhere but food that’s created has a certain mess and I embrace that mess. It’s part of the process and part of the journey. And I have to say I enjoyed destroying my kitchen. I loved seeing it dirty. I loved even grating off part of my hand as I grated some of the cheeses. Yes, you bet your ass it hurt but I was creating something, something that was coming from hard work. And just as an aside, it’s bloody strenuous to stir and huge ever-thickening mixture when more and more cheeses are involved. Whew!

When I was done adding and mixing and baking and cleaning this incredible mac and cheese came out. It was bubbling from being so hot and it looked and smelled incredible. And there was sooooooo much of it (ok, note to self – half the recipe next time) I will be eating it for days. When it cooled and I actually had some I was triple-pleased. One it was delicious (as I was hoping it would be since I smelled like butter and cheese the whole night). Two, because I actually cut pieces and exercised portion control. I may have had a half-helping too much (I did mention it was delicious) but I put the rest away and was content to do so. Three, because it was an honest meal, once created by me and not merely bought by me. Created from my own two hands from hard work.

When we look at our lives and realize that what we’re addicted to isn’t what we’re really searching for the doors open and we can truly begin work on the hard things, including and most of all changing how we think and act so we can see that it’s always been about finding that which we need within ourselves. And yes, many messes are made in the kitchen of the mind when that happens, but only because you always have to crack a few eggs to make an omelette. If in this weight loss journey food is your drug I can honestly say you don’t need it to feel better. It is delicious and wonderful but it is not something that will make you feel better. That can and will come from inside you once you get down to what the issues really are in your life, and I would spare you the pain of becoming an addict if I can. And I say that because, at 39-years-old, I am finally ready to begin the next, honest and healthier phase of my life so I can finally carve the death date of my addictions on that particular tombstone.

It’s never too late start, so don’t be afraid. Creating the best meal you can be will always begin with the true recipe and the willingness to get dirty in the process. Have a great weekend.

Day ten.

Twelve-step meetings at once are exactly what you expect and something you can’t plan for at all. On one hand, yes, there is the group made up of lost souls looking for strength in the solidarity of a problem. On the other, you never know quite how to feel or quite what to say when it’s your turn to speak, confess and both give and receive strength to and from the group.This is why no one can (or should) ever be confident enough that they can “handle” a meeting. You just never know where it and the people within will take you.

Last night I attended a meeting and the format of this meeting was the same as it was on Sunday, topical. Meaning, three topics are thrown out by members of the group and people take three-minute-ish turns talking about the topics as they pertain to their lives. These topics can be about anything, also. While Sunday’s topics were radical honesty, why we were there and serenity, last night’s topics were boundaries, positive change and making restitution. When the topics were announced I started to really think about what they meant to my life and when it was my raised-hand, volunteered third speaker turn I told the group my name, why I was there and talked openly and honestly about each thing.

When you look around a room, any room, you can tell who really wants to be there and who is just there “because.” I know I have been both from time to time, truly present and truly wanting to poke my eyes out with the nearest object just to leave. Since having catastrophic failure I have been honestly present, more so than I ever have been in my adult life, and these meetings are good because they connect me to both myself as well as support. But in just the same way you can tell who wants to be there or not, you can tell who wants to speak and who doesn’t.I wanted to speak but I also was there to listen.

In both weight loss and now I realized I set very few boundaries. I allowed my time, attention and energy to be spent on other things and other people. So much so that my health suffered. I became so wrapped up in the stresses I allowed to be heaped on me that I took refuge in food (and later other things) as comfort. I let suffer my true work, this writing. I wasted time, precious time, time given to me by my mother as a last gift to see my dreams of becoming a writer come to life. And because I set no boundaries so much of my soul withered, as I traded time, attention and energy, both then and now, to pursuits that eventually left me bankrupt and a dark and empty person.

When I sat and thought of the other two topics, positive change and restitution, that’s when I could see a light at the end of this tunnel. I am trying so hard to make right the wrongs I have done in life. As I was explaining to someone at the end of the meeting things like this are never usually a quick drop down into an abyss. They are a slow and steady downward fall kind of like the stock market where you see the red line, even with its spikes, consistently and continually head lower and lower on the chart. And with that there are so many people with whom to try to make things right both then and now (even friends from way back who saw my weight problem and said nothing for fear of my reaction and whether or not I would actually hear their concern).  And though it may be one of the twelve steps, I did and do want to make things right because I genuinely want to, not because it’s required, and because when I do it truly brings about the time to move forward and work toward healing.

As for the last topic, positive change? I was simply there last night. Simply there in a room full of people also simply there, making that time to try to heal themselves, too. And that all of us, by the simple act of being there, were at least willing to try to keep that positive change going in our lives. And while some showed up just to show up, most were truly present, as I was, because we want that positive change to keep happening. Restitution is part of that positive change. Healing is part of that positive change. And yes, writing about it is part of that positive change.

In everything that’s happened over the last few weeks I’ve come to realize how much of my life was spent in addiction. I’ve also come to realize that food, weight and weight loss all follow the same patterns, the exact same patterns. Well, I do not want that anymore. As the sun rises today behind a blanket of clouds and rain I look forward to making this day the best I can because with each day, each meeting and each piece of work I do on myself to affect that positive change I make restitution to the two people in my life that mean the most to me, myself and my mother.

I will be my mother’s son again. I swear it.

Day two.

It seems silly to jump back into writing my usual upbeat, movie-themed weight loss blog, particularly in light of the events of the past few days. Who am I, a flawed and damaged human being, to tell ANYONE how to do anything? That’s a question I have asked myself repeatedly, believe it or not, since I began writing this thing. But the answer to that lies in the simple fact I did lose weight and did it by changing my lifestyle and eating habits.

When I started this whole process I was over 400 pounds. I was a massive man. I know that I must have fodder for many a McDonald’s drive-thru worker when they saw this elephant driving up to them, handing over some cash and taking a bag full of food stuff that were going to add more fat and cholesterol and salt and sugars to my body. And for what?! Just so I could have a convenient and hot “breakfast” on my way to work? That’s crap. I would bet you anything fast food employees talk about the people they see and have bets to see who serves the fattest person that day or that week.And am I saying that to be harsh? No. It is the truth. The cold, hard truth, and the same truth I had to face when I began trying to lose weight.

When I saw that photo of me in the shark tunnel at the aquarium I really saw the result of what I had been doing to myself over years and years of fucked up, messed up emotions, situations and thoughts. I used food. I used it to feel better, take away pain, ease guilt, celebrate happinesses (is that even a word), join with friends…it was everywhere and I took it. Which meant that when I saw that photo I knew I had to do something about it. Me, and me alone.

Here’s another reason I feel silly, folks. Thanks to the catastrophic failures I mentioned yesterday I am finally able to be honest and say how selfish I really am as a human being. I also know, in light of that, how weird it is to say “I” and “me” as much as I have in today’s writing. The only thing I can say is that in this weight loss, the only thing I seem to have done right over these past few years, I did it. Me, and me alone shed this weight. Nobody held a gun to my head to make me eat that God-forsaken “food” I loaded up on and no one was going to be able to help me on my journey. I had to do it alone.

This brings me back to my opening paragraph. How silly I feel trying to write something upbeat when I don’t feel upbeat. But I have to be true to myself and mention a movie quote (and no, it’s not from “Star Wars”). This one is from the 1987 Brian DePalma film “The Untouchables.” In that film, DeNiro, as Al Capone, walks around all his lieutenants holding a baseball bat talking about the virtues of being part of a team. You know the scene I mean. Well, before the infamous “batter-up” he does to one of them for getting raided he talks about standing alone at the plate and how that is the time for individual achievement.

In weight loss it is you, all you, standing alone at the plate. That’s why it’s scary. The cheeseburgers, fried chicken pieces, pops, candies, McMuffin sandwiches and doughnuts are the fast balls, curve balls and sliders you have to try to navigate, out-guess and out-think so you don’t strike out and fail that time up to bat. And no one is standing up there with you. I cannot talk about that enough. It’s a scary fucking time in weight loss especially because no one is doing it for you. Oh sure, they can and might encourage, suggest and support but at the end of the day it’s only you who can make your feet move in exercise and make your hands NOT pick up one of those curve ball cheeseburgers.

Bill Murray the actor once said in a famous award acceptance speech that he didn’t know who to thank for the honor because so many people were trying to take credit that he didn’t know where to begin. Funny how successes in someone’s life are like that award, with people always trying to take credit for someone else’s hard work, blood, sweat and tears. I can assure you, however no one did this for me. I did it. Me. Bill Larson, who might be weak in other areas of his life but wasn’t in this one.

That why I always try to support you guys in your weight loss. It can be a very lonely road to travel when you do decide to, and I know from experience that it helps sometimes having people there who have gone through all this before to really offer encouragement, wisdom or a good kick in the pants. But the best thing I can offer you is that understanding of how alone you can feel. I am actually (and ironically) on another losing trend again. I am within losing that final ten pounds. This time, though, it’s because I am finally being a man and owning up to things I’ve done in my life, apologizing for them and trying to do some right, and by doing that I am not picking up food as a way to suppress it all.

That is why, despite the rest of the strike outs I’ve been having in my life, in my weight loss and my ongoing weight loss journey, I am hitting a home run. Good luck to you all today as you step up to the plate. You can do it. I know you can.

I know this is going to come as a shock to no one but eating is a very social thing. Conversely, weight loss goals are a very solitary thing. I never really thought about it in those terms before until just this morning.

You see, yesterday, after writing this hopefully-soon-to-be-award-winning, Hollywood-will-take-notice-and-make-a-movie-about-me-too-called-”Bill-&-Billia” blog I went to work out in the gym. After spending Friday at my second mixed martial arts lesson I was determined to get going to the gym and stuff so I did. I went, I did my half-hour on the elliptical, I did those incredibly hard but really cool reverse push-ups (which I do want to do every day to get used to them) and even practiced what is called a Turkish Get-Up (seated in a typical legs-crossed position, getting up by swinging a leg out and ending in a neutral stance). O.K. I know I’d have to show it to you for you to get it (hmmmmmm, maybe I will one day) but the point is I was working out and setting my mind to be all in a  “I’m going to be good today” mode.

That is the solitary part – and the part that sort-of flew out the window.

While I was mostly good with the food I ate for a “light” lunch, it was my dinner that killed me. And why? Because I was having a good time with good people and I went from solitary “I’m going to be good” Bill to “Oh, I’ll just have one or three more cookies” Bill.

Later on in the day I went to someones house for a wonderful get-together. There were great people and, moreover, there was food. Lots and lots of food. Meatballs, pulled pork, pasta, potato salad, bread, chips, dips, hummus, pita, soda…the whole bit. I found myself loading up lots on my plate. And why? Because it was part of the social thing going on. It was part of the laughing, story telling and bonding, that almost blind eating-without-thinking part.  That is the social part of it.

You guys know me by now. I love me some food. I also avoid buffets not because I don’t like them but because I like them too much and eating at someone’s house can be just like that. Ugh. Why did I eat so much.

I know it was just one day and I will work it off (especially Wednesdays and Fridays in martial arts) but that’s not the point. I’m a bit miffed I decided to let the solitary go in favor of the social…the personal goal in favor of the food, folks and fun. It may be only one day but I really do have to be smarter than that. It really is mind over matter, sometimes, and while I laughed up a storm and enjoyed myself immensely getting on the scale this morning was no laughing matter.

OK, I won’t be too hard on myself but I need to be hard enough to know better. I might be hungry going into a situation like that but that’s no reason to attack food like I’m going to war.  I may be going to something cool and social but that’s no reason to forget what I say to myself in my solitary moments…

…that I will be better today, eat right and do my best.

Deep breath. Again. OK, I’m a little better now…

…and a new, hopefully better eating day begins.

Today feels like a such Monday to me. I don’t know how that happens it just does. It could be the weather, a three-day weekend or the way we wake up in the morning. Some days just feel like other days of the week. Maybe it’s a glitch in The Matrix.

Perhaps it feels like a Monday because it also happens to be a first, June 1, and the beginning of the work week for most people (hence the feeling of it being Monday). Getting in your car, getting much-needed coffee before waiting in absolutely horrible traffic just to turn around at the end of the day to wait in even more traffic with even less coffee. For me, though, it symbolizes something else. It is June 1 and I am still twelve pounds above re-reaching my weight goal of 225 pounds.

Over the past few weeks my stress eating has been ramping up because in eight more days it will be the one-year anniversary of my mom, JoAnn’s, passing. What does that mean? I’ll tell you what it means. It means I am going to lose at least this two pounds I re-gained so I can get back to my “Battle of the Final Ten” before that anniversary.

I had so wanted to have this weight be done and gone by now. Ya know? A year is a long time, especially when it took me three-and-a-half years to lose 175 pounds in the first place. But because of the everyday things that happen in life, including many stupid food decisions, I still have twelve pounds to re-lose.  I know my pants still fit (thank God) and I know I am not that far from my goal but still…it gets under my skin.

So after writing this weight loss blog today I’m going to continue with my exercise (or as I put it rediscovering my inner sweaty, smelly and grunty child) to make sure these two pounds are gone by June 9. That’s my goal, a do-able and smart one, too. It’s also going to help me get my mind right as it gets closer and closer to the auditions for the “win your OWN show” contest for Oprah and her new network, OWN.

I am also going to think about my basic rules for losing weight:

TELL EVERYONE! (which I do every single day with you, my friends).

WHEN YOU CAN, PURGE YOUR “FAT CLOTHES.” With summer here I need to do that with the wardrobe I just pulled out of storage. This way I can give myself a nice little mental boost as I get back on track to re-losing this weight.

BE FORGIVING OF YOURSELF. In this newer more-Zen way of thinking I am trying my best not to do this.  Today is DAY ONE, at least that’s the way I am thinking about it. Beating yourself (or myself) up is negative energy you (we) don’t need. And o.k., so along my journey I re-gained twent after my mom’s death and I still need to re-lose twelve to get back to my ultimate goal of 225. THAT STILL MEANS I STILL LOST EIGHT OF THE TWENTY AND THAT’S GOOD!!!

USE WHAT YOU HAVE AVAILABLE TO YOU. With summer here it’s a great time to get out and walk, ride a bike, jog, walk the dog, something to get you outside and moving. And remember you (and I) can do sit-ups, push-ups and stairs in our own homes.

KNOW THIS WILL TAKE TIME: Weight loss and maintenance will be a part of my life for the rest of my life and I know this last ten or twelve will come off with time. I can be impatient sometimes but I will be more patient with me because…

YOU ARE WORTH IT SO MAKE THE TIME. …and I will, starting (or re-starting) right now.

Whew! See, I do take my own advice. I, too, need my pep-talks every now and then to keep me going, too. I am, after all, only human. And like everyone on a weight loss journey I especially need to keep these things in my mind during crazy weeks where you wake up on Tuesday but it feels like Monday (and you have to take the red pill – Matrix devotees know what that means). Have a great (and short) week, everyone.

P.S.: I will continue to keep you all posted on when I have to take a break from the blog to be all homeless and stuff waiting to audition for Oprah.

Happy Monday, everyone! Today is the Memorial Day holiday and I am sitting here at my computer thinking about the week I have coming up this week. It’s going to be weird, fun, trying, adrenaline-filled and cool. And I just need to keep my cool when it comes to food.

Here’s the deal. This coming Saturday is the first live audition for people to possibly win their own show for Oprah and her new OWN network. You guys already know I have submitted a video entry to the “Win Your OWN Show” contest and, according to the rules, anyone can do both the live audition and the recorded one. So I am throwing caution to the wind and doing both, myself.

Here’s the rub. The live auditions are Saturday and they are only seeing the first 500 people of so. What that means for yours truly is I am thinking I will have to get there pretty darn early on Saturday morning to get in line. There is also the distinct possibility that I will have to get in line a day or two early to secure my place in the first 500 as I am sure this will bring out thousands and thousands of people.

And with this in mind a long and strange week begins.

Here’s the deal. Since I don’t know what day the line will start forming I am not quite sure when I will heading up to make myself voluntarily homeless for this once-in-a-lifetime shot.  Yes, yours truly will be doing any and everything he can to make sure he is one of the first 500 in line so he is definitely seen and not heard.

Here’s the rub. I know fer sure (like totally) I will not be blogging on Saturday morning. And if I do have to be in line a day or two early I will not be blogging for those couple of days either because I just don’t think it wise to bring a laptop to the place where I potentially will be sleeping outside with strangers, and I sleep soundly. How soundly do you ask? Well, I’ve slept through one of Chicago’s two extremely rare earthquakes, thunder and lightning storms, you name it, and I don’t want my “Little Blue” (the nickname I gave my netbook) to somehow walk away.

And here’s the promise. You can bet your bottom dollar I will fill you in on ever aspect of everything I go through when Sunday rolls around.

As far as food goes I am at 237 even today which means Bill is a grumpy but re-committed lad. I told you guys yesterday I have been stress eating but after a day of some reflection, some tears and a bit of work I am better.  Being better means I already have this weekend in mind for what I will be eating, so I also have to scope out food sources at the shopping complex or nearby and make sure there is a Wawa (my convenience store of choice) so I can get healthier sandwiches, coffee and water (yep, good ol’ H2O and not Coca-Cola).

Also, I will be working out every day until I have to head on up and camp out. It will be a combination of cardio and weights so that my body knows I mean business because I should be just as committed to that (if not more so) than standing in a line with thousands of my best friends.

They say there is honor among thieves. I certainly hope that’s true especially when it comes to having to get out of line to go to the bathroom. OK, I know that’s T.M.I. but at least it made you laugh. At least I hope it did.

Have a wonderful day my friends, and remember our service people around the world today. It may be the third day of a three-day weekend for you. For them, and for those who made the ultimate sacrifice for which we honor them with this day, it’s about honor, duty and freedom…

…even having the freedom to be weird and camp out to eventually make an ass of oneself to a bunch of producers this coming Saturday. Only in the USA.