Determined To Succeed

Hello and happy new week and day one-hundred-twenty-eight, my friends. I know. I know. I promised I would write yesterday but the day got broken up more than I thought and I didn’t have the time I thought I would have. I am so sorry about that. But here I am, back at my keyboard, raring to go.

Gasp and sigh. I am 40 now. I achieved that milestone birthday on December 12th. However, while others lament turning 40 I am embracing it and am very proud of the short little grey hairs on my chinny-chin-chin and the “salt” that is starting to be sprinkled in with my “pepper.” But even though I was (and am still) looking forward to 40, I had something of a health scare. As I mentioned in my last blog, I have been diagnosed with diverticulosis.  It was so bad doctors had to be called and I was in the hospital for a few days. This is not exactly how I wanted to start prepping for my 40th birthday…not by a longshot… and everything, including this weight loss blog, had to be put aside for a bit so I could properly recover. This meant not being able to exercise. Add to that that I had to eat and, well, you can imagine the sigh that came out of me when I stepped on the scale and saw 248.9 on my scale.

Sigh, indeed.

That is of little consequence, though. Not only did I get through the worst health scare of my entire life (ironically, save for the time when I was born and had to be hospitalized for pneumonia and bronchitis) but I will be able to do everything I did before, including exercise to re-lose this weight. Yes, that means I know I will re-lose that weight again and that I had to gain it back to help my body get better. Sometimes we need that trade-off with ourselves so we take proper care of ourselves.

Did I mention I have to drink metamucil and take an iron pill every day for the rest of my life, too?  I am becoming an old man (O.K., that was a joke, and the metamucil makes a kick ass pink lemonade).

My friends, I have a slightly different perspective today than I had in months past. I am lucky to be here and that means knowing I have to take care of my health first and foremost in all of this and if drinking that stuff and taking it easier is what I need to do to stay on this planet then, dammit, that’s what I’m gonna do. I will be getting back to exercising, too, don’t get me wrong (after all, I do want to re-lose this weight also to be healthier) but I will be doing it as I can so as not to over-exert myself as my body builds itself back up again.

Yes, this 40th birthday of mine has been full in introspection, prayer and relief. I am lucky to be here on this planet and I thank God every day for that. I also thank the spirit of my mom, JoAnn, for looking out for me the way she always does. Moms are always there when you need them and my mom was right beside me, too. What does that all mean? It means I am going to make the most of this new lease. I will exercise. I will eat better (and more fiberous) foods. Most of all, I will embrace my life, especially now that I am 40 so that I can say – WAY THE HELL DOWN THE ROAD WHEN I AM 95 – that I made the most of the life I have and this is just the physical part of my rebuilding to go along with the mental and emotional rebuilding parts. And as the rest of me gets this “tune up” I am thinking ever so much about the 40 things I want to do at 40, a list I will be sharing with you guys tomorrow.

For now, I’m just going to thank God some more that I am here looking at a pretty, albeit chilly, day here in southern New Jersey and that I made it to 40. Now is the time to seize life and not take it for granted anymore. I’m going to write today, take care of a few errands and just be thankful about the ability to drink metamucil. Oh, and if you know and/or feel something is wrong GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR!!! I can’t stress that enough.

Day one-hundred-ten.

O.K. So? How did you do on Thanksgiving? Did you go off half-cocked and eat your fill? Or did you go off fully-cocked and clean your plates twice (and finish off others’ too)? I actually did O.K., but just O.K. I had one big plate of food, but just one. I had no dessert (I couldn’t have fit it inside me anyway – after all, my body is not Doctor Who’s TARDIS) but hours later I did have a small plate of fresh leftovers. In the end, like I said, I think I did O.K., and later today I will be working out. Or should I say working off (smile)? No matter the case, I enjoyed Turkey Day 2010, but now it’s time for serious work.

I said in my post on Wednesday that sometimes the holidays are about weight maintenance, and that is the truth. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed to the food gods to NOT gain weight. But that’s not how things work. The only way things work is when I make them work, plain and simple. That goes for all aspects of my life. All our lives, really, including food.

My biggest problem has always been portion control. It’s a thing that goes back for me to when I was a kid. My mom, who always did her absolute very best and worked so hard, did put food on our table, but there were times we both had less than what we wanted. There were times we went a bit hungry. That’s how I came to hoarde food, a trait I carried with me into adulthood. Sigh. Old habits die hard, I guess. Really, really hard.

So, as I surveyed the bounty on the table yesterday I gave thanks to God for the good things in my life, gave thanks for being able to become a better person, gave thanks and prayers for and to my mom, JoAnn (who I imagined had just as bountiful a Thanksgiving in Heaven as I did here) and gave thanks for the food in front of me. Then, I took a breath and decided I was only going to have one plate of food.

After all, no one was going to take my food away from me.

Now it’s the day after and I am thinking about returning to normalcy, returning to my routine of working out and eating smaller portions. Thanksgiving is an amazing day but today is another day, a Friday (and hell no – I didn’t go out at 2:00 a.m. to shop for Black Friday specials), a day leading into the weekend and you guys know how I sometimes fear the weekends. Sigh again, but it’s all O.K. It’s O.K. because, one, I know that Thanksgiving is a day to be enjoyed, food and all. Two, because weight loss and maintenance is all about getting into (or back into) routines and that is what I will be doing. What, I think, we will all be doing.

So, have a wonderful weekend, my friends in weight loss. I am also thankful to all of you, as well. We are all in this together and I am human. I love my turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and everything. But today is another day and this is another weekend, and by the time you next read me I will have worked out three times…and hopefully eaten less, too.

Day ninety-three.

I can’t begin to tell you all the times Bill Ivory Larson wakes up on a given morning NOT feeling like doing something that particular day. Going to the store. Cleaning the house. Making a phone call to a creditor or business. Putting my nice warm and toasty feet on the cold, hard floor. It doesn’t matter. From time to time all of us face that point where we have to do something that we don’t want to do but have to do anyway.

Take for example working out, which for me has been more mental than anything lately. It’s not that I hate going to the gym. In fact, I love going and love sweating my ass off when I’m there. Sometimes, though, it’s purely because I HAVE TO GO that makes me not WANT to go. Know what I mean? It’s that I wish I didn’t HAVE to do it all the time. I wish I was one of those people who could (seemingly) eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce AND look like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine ad. But noooooooooo! I HAVE to go workout if I am going to merely keep my weight down. Bah! Bah, I say! The same goes for eating more nutritious foods, eating right and exercising portion control.

I know I should have a better mental attitude sometimes about weight loss. I absolutely do but I am human. But the thing that makes me know this is a story my sensei, Doug Shaffer, told me last week.

Doug told me the story of a kid he knew (you know a story will never end well when the words “kid” and “knew” crop up. Very foreboding, indeed) who was onloy twenty-one years old and died from an asthma attack. Poor guy. Went to a party, got plastered, went back to his place and zonked out. Somehow, he started having an attack and couldn’t get to his medicine (or was passed out while it was happening) and he died. he was found the next day by his girlfriend.

Just twenty-one, and with so much life ahead of him.

The reason I tell you that story today (and tell myself that story) is that we cannot sit on our butts and wait to feel like we WANT to do something. If there is something we have to do we should just go do it, for the love of God, and get it out of the way. I know I have never in my life been good at doing that because I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings (that they wouldn’t like me anymore), or that there would be repercussions (like at my former job where you would just not want to open your mouth out of dread and a constant fear of being fired for daring to speak out). If we wait, if I wait, to do do something for when I WANT to do it I might be waiting a long time. Worse, I will be wasting time in the process, and I have wasted too much time on addictions to waste anymore of it on silly things that are only in my head.

Next month, I am going to celebrate being 40 years old and in the coming weeks I will tell you how I plan to celebrate my birthday all year long. But in the meantime I’m just going to think about how I lived almost 19 years longer than a kid who died simply because he couldn’t take a breath. I know exactly how that feels. I, too, had asthma so bad I couldn’t breathe at times. Hell, it even made me pass out once. I’ve lived 19 years longer and that means I SHOULD do something with that and because of that. That is purpose. That is drive. That is will.

I will because I must make the most of each and every day. No. Matter. What.

My friends, if there is something you don’t want to do today but know that you have to keep two things in mind. One, that you are not alone. There are so many others facing similar feelings about their own situations. Two, once you get it over with you will feel so much better and can move on to the things you WANT to do (and yes, that does include eating what you should and exercising to keep weight in check). That is what I will do today. Do the things I need to do to make the time to do what I want to do.

In honor of that kid who didn’t make it to see 22.

In honor of my mom, JoAnn Larson, so I do not disappoint her.

Most of all, for myself so I can be the man I’ve always wanted to be and now strive for every day. One of which my mom can be proud and I can say did the hard things even if he didn’t want to so that he, and those closest to him, could be happy in the long run.

Day eighty-seven.

Finally!!!!! I am coming back down in my weight, thank God! I am down another six ounces and am at 240.5 today. Just a mere 15 pounds above my ultimate goal weight which I am bound and determined to achieve before I reach 40 years of age. I am so happy to see this number on my scale today. I have been very good with my eating lately, too. Yesterday, after my toast for breakfast, I had a Lean Cuisine-like frozen lunch (it was Litelife frozen Indian Veggie Masala – and dammed tasty, too) and leftover cajun chicken, rice and broccoli for dinner. Not only did I have those leftovers (which I have been totally into lately) but my portions have been very controlled, too. ONE chicken breast, ONE helping of rice and ONE helping of broccoli. And the best part was that I had water, H20, nature’s soft drink instead of soda (even diet Coke Zero). Yes, yesterday was a great day and it showed.

Today is going to be good also, mainly because I get to workout with Sensei Doug and his martial arts training. I wish I had the space here to do what we do in his studio. But one thing is for certain. I soooooo need to stretch a bit before working out. Having not worked out like that for a few days plus this chilly weather makes my joints, especially my hips, so tight and immobile. Oh well. I know I am not an old man yet by any stretch of the inmagination but damn, I wish someone would hurry up and invent some agre-regression thingie that makes our bodies as strongf as they were twenty years ago. That would be cool.

I bring all this up today because I think it would be way cool to wear that way cool Calvin Klein suit I bought last year for my 40th birthday this year. We all spend so much time wanting to fit into this and that. Well, during this 40th year of my life, I’m gonna do something about it. I have a goal to wear that suit somewhere for something. It is the most beautiful suit I own and right now, with these extra 15 or so pounds on my bod, I can’t even imagine putting it on yet. But with those pounds gone I should be able to fit into it. I guess that would make it my birthday suit.

I wasnt to wear my birthday suit for my birthday! I love plays on words.

Moreover, I think it’s a realistic weight loss goal. If I maintain exercising and eating better, the way I have been, it should be good. Also, I promise to take a photo of myself in that suit, too. But I will only wear it if it fits like it should. I will not wear it if the pants are too tight or the jacket doesn’t button. A suit must wear properly to look good and that is what I want.

So that’s it. That’s all I got today. Tune in tomorrow when I recount my activities on the martial arts mat from today as well as what I ate. Speaking of which, this morning I made two small pieces of cinnamon raisin french toast and two patties of turkey sausage for breakfast (yum).  Lunch I know will be lighter and I think pork chops are for din din. Or should I say pork chop (singular). Remember, I have a birthday suit I need to fit into and look good in.

Day eighty.

Hey there, my friends. For those of you old enough (or pop-culture savvy enough) to remember there are two references I’m going to drop on you today: the first is the movie “Around the World in 80 Days” and the second is the Fifth Dimension’s “Would You Like To Fly In My Beautiful Balloon.” I bring up both because both things reference travel via balloon.

Here I am at day eighty and I feel great. These past days have been a Godsend to me because, for the first time in my adult life, I am truly getting to the bottom of my addictive cycles so that I can, once and for all, get a handle on what made me self-medicate so I never EVER do it again. And how am I doing that? By getting into the figurative balloon in my head and taking a tour of my past so I can see where I never want to be again.

I told you guys yesterday how I had to get a handle on my chocolate and Coke Zero cravings, and that is true. But as I swim around my head on day eighty of my sobriety I now know at least I KNOW I have to do that and am not making excused for it. My old self used to do that. I know I need to workout, which I am doing later today with Sensei Doug. The old me would have given the gym a half-hearted attempt MAYBE and I wouldn’t have broken that much of a sweat. I know when I am being “triggered” to eat unnecessarily and do my best to stop that behavior. The old me would never have done that.

I have also rediscovered myself in all this. I used to spend so much time hiding things that I would almost binge on being me. My old path saw me do things that were unimaginable and horrible, among those was warping who I was to conform to what I thought others wanted of me. Ironically, I never did that in my weight loss. That I have always been truthful and honest about. I have my ups and downs and my struggles with food and my weight. But what is now so different is that, after taking my balloon trip in my head (and how fucked up does that sound – I sound like I’m crazy) I realized how much I didn’t like myself very much. Where food was concerned I just ate and ate to suppress and squash what I was feeling – toxic shame, anger, resentment, fear and low self-esteem. Food, at least for a while, kept all those down and let me run. Now, I like myself again and even bought me something that is huge for me – a Star Wars lunchbox.

Is it silly? Yes.

Is it necessary in my life? No.

Do I like it? Does it make me happy? Yes!

Should I give a shit what other people think about it? Hell no!

I have spent so much of my adult life doing things that, on the outside, seemed cool but I only did it for others. Now that I am working on me, by going to therapy and twelve-step meetings, I am truly liking myself again. More than that, I am embracing it and doing what I want to do, not what others prescribed for me.

In this wacky journey we call weight loss, yes, I have my ups and downs, but when I hover over that in my balloon and look over these past 80 days I see a guy who knows he will be OK. I know I will re-lose that weight and come out even stronger for it. Speaking of which I need to run and get ready so I can go kick some punching bag ass today with Sensei Doug.

Sometimes it is good to take a look at your own life from a different perspective, and rising above it, as if in a balloon, can do just the trick. Not only do you see where you’ve been clearly, you can see the road ahead of you…

…and, at least for me, you can do something that the Fifth Dimension also sings about – letting that sunshine in to help guide the way.

Let the sunshine…

Let the sunshine in.

The sun shine in…

Day sixty-eight.

So did you guys do it? Did you go to MSN.COM and answer the questions and use the “life expectancy calculator?” I hope you did because it sure as hell was an eye-opener for me. Just finding out I added almost 20 years to my life by losing weight was incredible. However, I also found out that I now have time added on to do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of my size. But more on that later…

It’s Friday and happy weekend. I am sitting here continuing my downward trend in weight loss and am at 237 even today. Woohoo. And that’s before my awesome mixed martial arts workout later this afternoon. But it is the weekend and you guys know I worry about over doing it with too much food and not enough exercise. I wish we could always stay the weight we want to achieve but, without hard work, we cannot. Sigh.

In less than two months I will hit the big 40! I so want to re-achieve my weight loss goal by then (and hopefully not add anymore weight in celebrating). There are also so many other things I want to do in life – like skydive – that I never would have been able to do had I not lost this weight. So I am compiling a list in my head of certain things I want to do which I will tell you guys about closer to my birthday. In the meantime, we have to tackle the here and now and that means the upcoming weekend.

I feel like an episode of “The Event” today, jumping all over the place in this blog which is weird and I’m sorry. I just feel a bit scattered today. I have lots of stuff to try to get done and they’re all on my mind. One of the things on my mind, though, was the movie I saw last night. I went to go see “Easy A,” which was both funny and cute (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson steal the movie as Emma Stone’s parents, but that’s not why it’s on my mind). Seeing the movie’s on my mind because the theater itself had double-wide seats in its auditoriums. Now, I’m sure that the seats, which resembled a slightly smaller love seat or a swing bench in size, were not necessarily meant for people of size. It’s probably meant for couples who just want to get cozy watching a flick. But I couldn’t help but wonder if larger people use those seats because they are more comfortable. I know I would have back when I was 400.

Yep, back then, when I needed seatbelt extenders, chairs with no arms in restaurants, etc., I would have jumped at the chance to sit in one of those prime seats just to have the “wiggle room.” It would have made me comfortable and probably would have helped my arthritic knee be able to stretch by not being locked into the “L” position all crammed in watching something.

The downside to all that, though, would have been the corrosive comments made by other theater patrons seeing my 400-pound butt go for the “date seat.” So I asked myself last night “would it have been worth it?” The answer is yes and no. No, for obvious reasons like I never like being made fun of. Yes, because I would have been way more comfortable especially in a world where smaller seats (revenue generators that they are) seem to be the norm. Ironic these seats were in the auditorium showing a movie about a person who has to suffer the slings and arrows of society based on prejudices (O.K., that is a loose interpretation but work with me here).

When I left the movies last night I tried to leave the image of the date seat in the theater but I couldn’t. It’s hard to shake the past and even harder to NOT imagine myself as that 400 pound guy sometimes. So I said a slight, silent prayer for anyone who has to use those seats in the future. I hoped they would enjoy the movie in comfort and in peace free of the comments of close-minded assholes who always have to make comments about something or someone. I also thanked God I don’t have to now. Not because of the comments but because of what I mentioned at the beginning of today’s weekend blog. I now have so many more years added onto my life and the opportunities to do so many more things. That’s all.

I will always remember from where I came, especially on day sixty-eight of my sobriety. So many people use food amongst other things to numb pain and shame and I don’t ever want to do that again, especially because it could take years off my life and lead me right to that special seat at the theater. So as my birthday approaches I feel a sense of re-birth. I want 40 to be the best year of my life (so far) so I can do whatever I want to do…and sit wherever I want to sit no matter where I go…gray hairs and all.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Talk to you on Monday.

Day sixty-seven.

I am thinking about mortality today. No, not because of anything actually going on in my life but because of a link I was sent, a link to a “life expectancy calculator.” While I have never been the type of guy who wants to know too much (particularly the whens and hows of life ending) but I took this little quiz just for kicks and goggles but came away with something fascinating, both scary and wonderful at the same time. Check this out…

When you go to this “life expectancy calculator” on MSN.com’s website it asks you for several rounds of key information, everything from height and weight to history of diseases in family and your current habits. You guys know the drill. So I took a few moments to enter this information. When I got to the weight part I was very proud to enter a number that began with a 2 (for the record, I may be back down to 238 officially but I entered 240 just to be safe). Also, I had to guess on cholesterol levels but at least had my latest blood pressure readings from recent doctors visits (a healthy 120 over 80). Anyhow, I plugged in this info, all seven pages of it, and out came my result. According to this calculator I am gonna live until I am about 80, which is good (I think). That puts me at about half-life, if this calculator is to be believed and makes me very much like our own sun which, at about five-billion years old, is at half-life itself.

PS: I like being sunny.

Now for the scary yet exciting part. Again, for kicks and giggles, I entered information about my “former” self. The guy who started this weight loss journey back in 2005 at 400 pounds, had high blood pressure and was well on his way to – let’s just say an unhealthy life with poor quality of life. Shit! I couldn’t believe my eyes. When I entered in all my stats (again, taking my best guesses about blood pressure and cholesterol stats) my life expectancy was only 61 years! 61!!!!!

It seems, according to this calculator, I extended my life almost 20 years by losing all that weight. Woohoo!!!

Then I became sad. What if I had stayed 400 pounds? There is certainly no guarantee that I would have lived to even 61 at that weight and health level and you can’t convince me that I wasn’t well on my way to not being on this earth for very long past 40 eating and living the way I was.

Then I became excited. I thought, “I did put years, and good ones, back on my life by losing weight!” I thought about having almost 20 more years to do the things I’ve always wanted to do in life and became instantly grateful to God for the chances to do them in a healthier, leaner body – some of which I couldn’t physcially do because people wouldn’t let me.

I know that things like this “life expectancy calculator” are very subjective, non-scientific ways to tell you a story they do serve one purpose – they can help show you that losing weight, eating right, having good habits (like not smoking) and exercising DO ABSOLUTELY play a part in your longevity. And if you are anything like me you want as much time on this planet as possible to do those wonderful amazing things before we really and truly have to think about mortality.

So go ahead, ANSWER THE QUESTIONS AND USE THE CALCULATOR. What could it hurt? You have nothing to lose but almost everything to learn and gain…

Day sixty-four.

Good Monday morning, my friends. Today is the day we nationally observe Columbus Day, a day which I hold highly suspect since we seem to celebrate a guy who “discovered” people who were already here, “discovery” of a land already discovered by Leif Ericson hundreds of years before, and his contributions to religious intolerance and the Middle Passage/Atlantic Slave Trade. I do not mean to offend anyone who truly believes the myths and stories of Christopher Columbus in a blog about weight loss, just trying to educate as much as I can just like I try to do in matters of weight loss.

All that being said, and with all due respect to all parties involved, I do have something of a taste for Italian food. I can’t tell you how much, over the last few weeks, I’ve had the itch for pizza. Dammit! I have been this/close to picking up the phone and ordering up a sausage, mushroom, green pepper and onion pizza (with extra cheese) and plopping down to watch a movie or two. I also have to say that this taste for Italian led me to absolutely devour a couple of healthy helpings of the sausage and peppers provided at a party I attended Saturday night. Yummy and tasty, but I ate waaaaaaay too much.

Luckily, a couple of things happened:

1) I didn’t give in to my taste for pizza (or for a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola, for that matter)

2) Even though I ate my way to a tummy ache this past weekend I still continued to lose a few more ounces, a powerful motivator, indeed.

So I am, indeed, in a quandry. I guess the best thing to do is to nuke a Lean Cuisine pizza and just have the best of both worlds. I know, it’s nowhere near the same as a good pizza but it would knock the taste for a good “piece-a-pizza” (as my mom, JoAnn, would say) out of my mouth…at least for a little while.Or, I could have a nice portion-controlled serving of pasta with a garlic (and sausage) marinara. Mmmmmm, that sounds good, too. But, dammit! There I go again. It’s not even 10:00 a.m. and I am already thinking about dinner. Oh, well.

I do have to take little victories where I can get them, though. Like getting through the past few weeks without having a regular Coke. That has been hard, but thanks to Coke Cherry Zero and Coke Zero (I can’t stand regular Diet Coke) I have satisfied the taste for a soda without the calories. Also, being down a total of another 6 ounces is a Godsend especially the way I ate this past weekend. Sheesh! It was like I lost my mind at that party – meatballs, sausage and peppers, taco dip (which was good since I made it), desserts – and had never eaten before. Thank God I ate well around that party and ate very well for dinner (London Broil and Butternut Squash rice) last night.

Now today is for working out and getting back to that routine. Yep, I’m putting on the gloves for a great “round” of boxing and doing some, if not most, of my mixed martial arts routine. That should be fun. Then it’s back to the grindstone of writing and trying to do my best to stay away from my own strong food cravings.

Which leads me back to my taste for Italian. I know all I have to do is exercise a little “Bill Power” and get over my craving for pizza, but I’m human and it’s hard to do that sometimes, especially living so close to an Italian restaurant where you can smell the garlic sometimes wafting through the air enticing you to just drop my for a bite. But I will control my cravings for a big bowl of pasta this or a few slices of pizza that. I have to or the only thing I will be “discovering” on Columbus Day is the fact that my waistline will start growing back out and I sure as hell don’t want that.

If you have a holiday have a good one and do yourself a favor and Google “Christopher Columbus.” You may or may not agree with the arguments for or against a holiday recognizing him but one thing would be certain…you would have probably opened your mind to new things and “discovered” something you never knew before.

Day fifty-nine.

It’s amazing how we are surrounded by reminders of time. They are all around us. I don’t just mean clocks, I mean photographs, trinkets, clothes (as in trying to fit into something years-old, or that you purchased, say, two years ago and remember), jewelry and even people. All of it and more remind us all that time is passing no matter how much we want to slow it down or stop it.

The first time I got a lesson in that was when I was about three or four. I just happened to be wide awake at dawn one day and the sky was that beautiful Royal Blue it turns on clear days before going light blue then orange, yellow then daylight. Anyway, it’s one of my most vivid memories because I shouted out to God “God, keep the sky like this forever!” I was way young and naive enough to believe that the pretty sky could stay one color (my favorite color) forever. As it slowly went from Royal Blue to the light of day I remember thinking “time doesn’t stop for anyone, does it.” And the answer is “silly boy, of course it doesn’t. Time waits for no one.”

As a lover of all things science fiction as I grew older I was completely fascinated by a 1980 television movie called “The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything.” Based on the 1962 book by John D. MacDonald, the movie was about a guy who inherits a gold pocket watch that can stop time for everyone else except the person holding the watch. Of course, the wackiness ensues from there but I remember that show because I thought it was cool. I thought how awesome it would be to freeze a moment in time, watch it, breath it, take it all in and observe its every detail. There was even an inscription in the watch – “tempus unum hominem manet” (Latin for “time waits for one man”). Oh, how I wish that were so for if it were I would have done two definitive things…

…one, spent as much time with my mom as I could…

…two, not lose and waste as much time as I did, especially after her passing, to addictions, the most insidious thief of time there is.

Last night in my meeting we talked about withdrawl which is what actually got me thinking about time. I think about how much time is lost, but I also think about how much time, moving forward, is a gift not to be wasted. It is to be cherished and appreciated because it is something that always, ALWAYS, keeps slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future. When I realized how much time I had personally wasted I became ashamed and vowed never to waste it again.

When I decided to lose weight I did it just to stop aching watching a movie in a theater. I didn’t set out to lose the weight of a grown person but as I was doing it I knew it would take time to do (which for me was three-and-a-half years). Now that I have I cannot waste that gift. Not anymore. Today I’m going to my mixed martial arts workout to appreciate the life given back to me – the life I would not have if I were still at 400 pounds. If weight loss is your goal, what are you waiting for? There will never be a magic “start” time, or perfect set of circumstances with which to begin. Just begin because each day you delay what you want you get another day closer to inevitability.

There are so many people in this world who, in their last moments, say “I wish I would have done this or that.” Well, I don’t want to be one of those people. I never have, and you shouldn’t be, either. You are worth taking your life and time by the horns and guiding them where you want to go, especially if that involves weight loss. So many times WE are the ones in our own way. And why? Because we’re scared of success. Don’t be, because that success will mean you get to do the things you’ve always wanted to do so that when you look around at those subtle, and not-so-subtle, reminders of time we all have you will smile and feel uplifted and joyous and that is what will keep your skies Royal Blue.

So, c’mon. get up! Time’s a tickin’

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock…

Day fifty-four.

Ah, the smell of fresh air. At least I can breath a little better today. And my energy level is up, too. Both awesome things after the past few days of dealing with a cold. I even ate really well yesterday. I had a reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee (extra crunch) from Dunkin’ Donuts, for lunch I had a bagel (not great but better than fast food) and for dinner I had steak and roasted potatoes. Damned tasty if you ask me. Amazing what resting does – it so helps get the body, and the mind, right again.

Today is the start of the weekend and the start of my catch-up time, taking care of things I couldn’t take care of because I was sick. Laundry, errands, writing, cleaning…all parts of life that got put on hold. I ended up not eating salad yesterday because I thought I needed a bit more protein than that and I was right. Even this morning I had the leftover steak along with some eggs to give myself a protein boost as I start my day. Also, tomorrow I restart taking my mixed martial arts classes. I haven’t been in a while and I know tomorrow’s class is gonna kick my ass, but that’s cool. According to my sensei, Doug Shaffer, the first one back is always a hard one and he should know. He’s been kind of under the weather, himself. So tomorrow’s class should be fun for us both.

But it is the weekend and my mind turns to getting back into routine. I am up in my weight and I can tell because I feel sluggish, bloated and bulky. Ugh. But I will get back on that horse starting this weekend so I can get to my goal of 225 again. I know I just need one good sweaty workout to get my mind back in the game. Until then I will do what I can to focus and continue eating better (and lighter).

You know, as we all enter the weekend and play catch-up time in our lives remember to make time for yourself. On my journey these past fifty-four days I am discovering, more and more, who I am in all of this. It turns out I like who I am, especially after peeling away the bullshit of addiction, bad behaviors, bad habits…everything. It is so great to remember joy and happiness, motivation and humanity. It is awesome. Very much so, it’s like that breath of fresh air I mentioned earlier.

When it all comes down to it we have to take care of ourselves. I used to have this phrase I employed in relation to politics, specifically the presidency, that I think applies here. I said that we need to be strong at home before we can be strong for the world. And oh, how that is true, and it applies in so many facets in life. A person needs to be strong in himself (and over his common cold) to be able to get back in the game and help others. A family needs a good foundation so that it can donate time and energies to volunteer projects and causes. And even the President needs to have a strong and fortified domestic policy and strong economy so that we, as a nation, can help other nations around the world. I mean it just doesn’t make sense to help others when there are people starving, sick and uneducated right here.

O.K., enough of my soapbox. The point is we all need a breath of fresh air sometimes. It doesn’t matter if we are getting over a cold or just need a break from the routine. We all need that air because we have to be strong to take care of ourselves. Once we can do that we can handle what life throws at us. And not only that, we can appreciate the blessings we enjoy every day including our continued better health and weight loss.

So tomorrow I will sweat my ass off again and start, once again, re-re-re-re-losing the extra weight I’ve gained. Afterward I will look up and thank God and my mom’s spirit and the universe for the strength to be able to do those things and not take them for granted anymore. Times a wasting if you do. Because in this thing we call life, if we don’t take care of ourselves and do right and better by others, we will find we have precious little time left to enjoy life and those breaths of fresh air.

Have a great weekend, my friends. Talk to you on Monday.

PS: Don’t forget to workout. I will, too.