Determined To Succeed

Day fifty-one.

This morning I am thinking about demons. Demons that seem unstoppable and invincible. Demons that, no matter what, can stand up to even time itself, the supposed great healer of all. Well, there are some things that time doesn’t take away, like pain. For example, it’s been almost a year and four months already since my mom, JoAnn Larson, passed away and I still feel that moment as if it were yesterday. I still feel the absence of her on this earth and, from what I hear from others who’ve lost parents, always will. Sure, time takes away some of the immediate sting but it never takes away the memory of the pain itself, and oh, how I wish it did.

When I was a child I was so ashamed of how I was living the shame became a tangible thing I touched every day. I felt my surroundings not only around me but inside me. I became saturated by the sights, sounds and smells of where I was living. I felt the roaches crawl on my skin. I could almost feel the gritty dirt on the faded light green of the walls. I smelled the accumulated smells in the carpet in the long hallway of my apartment building floor as the building passed into decrepit oblivion – the dust, garbage, people, old food, must and rodents all part of a gigantic trap from which I felt no release. Hell, I am also quite sure I went to school smelling of old cigarettes, since my mother loved unfiltered Pall Malls and we did live in one very small room. To this day I cannot stand the smell of old cigarette smoke which does get everywhere instantly no matter what a smoker might tell you to the contrary. That is a pain from which I have been removed for more than twenty years but which still helped define me, both in good ways and bad.

The pain and shame of that place, combined with burying that pain and numbing it with X, Y and Z helped to create an addict, one that became seriously addicted to food as part of a cycle that led me to my life’s rock bottom. Then, lump on other unhappinesses, disappointments, anger, the inability to express myself, job stress, relationship bullshit and more and, over the years, the pain and shame became sentient, a living breathing demon who still inhabits parts of my brain and soul.

When you train yourself to numb things it is very hard to not numb them anymore. Food tastes good. I love good Chinese food (notice I said GOOD Chinese food, like Chicago good not Jersey/Philly so-so), I love sweet rolls (good bakery sweet rolls like my mom and I used to get on Sundays to eat while reading the paper), I love ice-cold Coca-Colas which at one point were bottles of ice-cold Pepsi, I love mashed potatoes, fried things, chocolate things, buttery things, Italian Beefs, cheesesteaks, french fries…I love it all. But I was “using,” using all that and more to numb a pain and truth which I have only recently come to grapple with and understand. Once I did that I was truly able to see food and other things weren’t enjoyable, they were the heroin I injected into my veins to make the world and its reality go away for just a little while.

That is addiction. That is food addiction. When using what is normal, everyday, commonplace pleasurable and warping it into something that not only is bad but also feeds the demon(s) born from long days ago. That is how demons can withstand the test of time.

I am doing my absolute best to curtail these demons and live a healthier, happier life. In fact I’m gonna fight the food demon as soon as I am done posting today by working out in the gym (since it is quite rainy today in southern New Jersey). Fifty-one days is truly a blessing and one on which I intend to build a foundation of good for my life and those wonderful people in it. I won’t let them down because I won’t let myself down again. Not like that. Not ever.

Time may heal some things but it doesn’t heal others. That’s O.K., because it’s what we do with today that matters. We may not be able to change what happened before but we sure as hell can control what happens today, tomorrow and in all the tomorrows yet to come.And so far I have fifty-one of them. Of all the things I’ve collected in my lifetime, days of sobriety are what I want a treasure trove of in the future.

Day twenty-five.

I am sitting here honestly not knowing what to write today. The past few days have been such a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts and events that I just don’t have the quiet necessary to write something cohesive. Please forgive me for that. I know there are people out there who read me everyday (and thank you so much for that), but sometimes it’s hard to get the brain firing on all cylinders. I will do my best, though, and write several mini blog posts in this bigger blog post.

A mini-blog about weight:

I am down to 234.4 today, so down another half-pound or so and back into the battle of the final ten. This is after a period where I binged a bit too much and gained back about eight pounds or so. Addictions do that to you, ya know. They take your strength, time, money, sanity and even your soul. And for what? Distractions that are fleeting at best? Then you literally feed them with comfort foods that leave you with nothing but pounds.  Well, thanks to amazing support and some good therapy I am getting a handle on both and am controlling my eating again. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! By year’s end, maybe sooner, I will see that 225 on my scale again. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about time:

Labor Day Weekend is upon us and I’m sitting here lamenting how much time I’ve pissed away in my life. We always say things like “I can’t believe it’s already ________,” and insert your choice of holiday, day or date here, but this time I cannot blame work or a hectic life on my loss of time. I am the only one responsible for wasting so much time in my life to my addictions, and now the year is three-quarters over and I have little to show for it. I wanted to be rich and well-into writing a book by now. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wanted to be planning weight loss speaking engagements. Strike two. I should have been doing so much more than I have actually done but gave in to the addict in me. Sigh. Well, I am going to be making the utmost of the remaining three months of this year. I have a lot of time to make up for and I will be. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about food:

This morning was a true test of my Bill Power. I had such a taste for a breakfast burrito from McDonald’s. I don’t know why that is but I did. Maybe I just needed protein to replenish myself, or maybe the thought of something hot and eggy/cheesy sounded good. But I held back and decided instead to just get my reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Man, since that binge of not-so-long ago I have really tried to ask myself “do I really need/want ______,” and fill in the blank with your comfort food of choice, with the answer almost always being “no, I don’t.” So I’ve passed up cravings for strawberry ice-cream, McDonald’s and even that delicious peach shake from Chick-Fil-A in favor of healthier drinks and meals. And lo and behold it’s working again. Gee, go figure…

A final mini-blog about the Labor Day holiday weekend:

Usually I take Saturdays and Sundays off to give my wee brain a rest from writing (and to give you a rest from my rantings about, well, stuff). But this weekend I am going to be taking advantage of the holiday and taking tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday off. It will be good to get out and take in some of the summer air (even though a hurricane is supposed to be hitting the Jersey coast sometime tomorrow), and things I have all but ignored over the summer so far. What will I do? I have no idea but that is a beautiful thing. All I know is I will be appreciating life, communing with my mom’s spirit a bit and being present. These days that’s all that matters.

And there you have it, a scatter-brained, roller coaster blog to start the holiday weekend off right (I guess). In going to therapy and going to twelve-step meetings I have done my absolute best to adhere to the steps themselves. They say in meetings to work the steps because they work if you work them, and I am doing that. I am trying so that a healing time can happen. I know I have done wrong in my life but it is time to heal and continue making myself a better man. That means taking care of myself, setting boundaries, keeping tabs on my weight, not wasting anymore time, thinking about comfort foods and being present to enjoy long, lazy weekends. I hope you guys can all do the same. Life is truly a precious gift and is way too short to waste it on the negative. Be well, my friends, and avoid eating too much comfort food like hot dogs and burgers (especially if you do get down). You’ll feel better soon. You’ll see. We will all get there soon.