Determined To Succeed

Happy New Year, my friends, and happy day one-hundred-forty-nine.

I know I haven’t written in such a long while (two weeks to be exact) and I’m so sorry about that. The sad truth is I fell off the radar because I fell off the wagon a bit partially because I had to take it easy recouping from my diverticulosis (which meant not exercising as much) and partially because, well, I grew lazy and ate more than I should. I know better, I really do, but having my hospital stay take place over the holiday, with all of its foods and trappings, made even maintaining my weight a challenge. But I am happy to say that today I stepped on the scale and am down a pound-and-a-half from the last time I wrote (my weight today is 247.2) and I am ready to kick this new year’s ass in terms of getting back to my weight loss goal.

For those of you old enough to remember the original “Battlestar Galactica” TV show I remind myself of the Lorne Green voice-over during the opening to the show which told of how Commander Adama and his rag-tag fugitive fleet of refugee ships was trying to make it home to a shining planet known as Earth. I am also reminded of the old Japanese anime TV show called “Star Blazers” in which the protagonists are counting down the days they have because they only have a year to get back to Earth to defend it against some-such this or that (if I am remembering it correctly). In both cases, and I am sure many more, the good guys in those shows are always on the journey to reach something, whether that is a destination like Earth, a thing like a precious gem or trying to beat time. Well, my friends, on this fourth day of the year I feel I am doing all of the above.

I have been fighting this battle of the bulge all my life but trying to re-re-re-lose these last twenty (now twenty-two) pounds has been the goal since I regained that weight when my mom, JoAnn Larson, died. I have gotten to within a few pounds then it all seemed to go to hell. But just four days into the new year I am chucking my aspirations to lose that weight in with the rest of everyone who is looking at the new year for a chance to begin again. I will take that chance, thank you very much, and raise you many more things to do. let me explain…

…A while back I wrote you guys in this blog and told you all about a list of 40 things I wanted to do now that I reached the awesome age of 40, my 40/40 list. That’s right, I am embracing not only the fact I have turned 40 but that I am no longer wasting time. This year is only 4 days old and I have already knocked a couple of things off my list. O.K., they might be easier to do than others but it is something. So, here is my list (even though I’ve come up with 28 or so). I intend for them to be done from now until December 31, 2011. Here they are with more to come (as I think of them – it‘s hard to think of 40 things):

See, ain’t that cool? So far since turning 40 I’ve seen the Grand Canyon, I’ve seen those beautiful bald eagles in the wild and have shaved off my beard and mustache. It is wild seeing my entire face not covered by hair. Yikes! I don’t think I’ll ever get used to that. Most of all, though, I am resetting my gears to finally take that stupid twenty-two pounds off once and for all and get back to being 225. Not only is it on my list but it’s the one I will be working on the rest of my life. So after this, my friends, I am off to the gym to keep up the postive downward trend. We may only be four days into the new year but times-a-wasting, and I wish no longer to lose time doing what I should have been doing all along…taking care of myself and using the time I have on this earth to embrace life, not waste it. Have a wonderful first week back to the grind. I will write again soon and check back in. You all rock! PS: The photo of the bald eagle I took on New Year’s Day in Maryland. It’s awesome to see flocks of bald eagles. It truly is. As for seeing my face? Eh, not so much. I want my beard and mustache back

Happy almost Christmas and day one-hundred-thirty-five, and I must say it’s a weird one.

Last night, actually extremely early this morning, I got up to watch the full lunar eclipse. We here in North America were lucky to be able to view the full lunar eclipse so I figured “what the hell,” it was was the last chance for those of us in the continental United States to see a total lunar ecllipse until 2014. It was gorgeous. The moon appeared a burnt orangish/red, although I didn’t catch any of the meteor shower that was supposed to have coincided with the eclipse (also rare because the eclipse happened on the same date as the 2010 winter solstice. The last lunar eclipse to happen on the day of the winter solstice was in 1638).

Why mention a celestial event on my weight loss blog? I have no idea. It’s just something I wanted to share with you guys because that event is what officially started my day. This event concluded a topsy-turvy and emotional weekend in which I heard about a friend of mine who also landed in the hospital, the birth of a child to a friend’s sister, finding a small keychain that was very, very similar to one I had been given by my mama many, many years ago that almost made me cry and a couple of other things that made my emotions go up-and-down. And kids, what do we all know about Bill? I am an emotional eater.

I have always told you I will come clean about my eating and weight ups-and-downs and I am doing just that. I ate poorly this past weekend. I ate way too much and my weight has suffered, although (thank God) not too badly. Hell, I even made a batch of (delicious) peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies (what was I thinking) and had some tortilla chips and queso watching the Chicago Bears sucessfully clinch their 2010/2011 playoff chances (awesome job, guys! Bear down, Chicago Bears! Make every play pave the way to victory…)

Sorry, got off track a bit. Where was I? Oh, yeah. My poor emotional eating this past weekend. Ugh. I feel heavy today. I didn’t sleep right (no duh since eating chips, queso and cookies) and I absolutely have to get back on track. I just admit I am a bit off. There are days I feel every minute of my newly-achieved 40 years (thanks to a daily dose of metamucil and iron pill) and there are days I feel youthful (and yes, I always will). It’s just a weird time and I need to NOT eat when those weird times happen. Eh, I just think the realities of life are just hitting me – that something seriously could have gone wrong for me in the hospital, that I am now 40, and yes, that I still miss my mother, JoAnn Larson, deeply.

So even though today is Tuesday I will start my week by trying my best to shake off this “blah” of mine, work out, eat better and get mentally fit. Gaining back a pound is not the end of the world (I am back up to 248.8 today) and I will be getting up and working out in just a bit. heck, I may even workout twice today. nah, that’s being a little too OCD about it all. And I should get out. Not only do I have to mail my Christmas cards I should get out and enjoy some fresh winter air.

Well, that’s my story today and I’m sticking to it. Me and my metamucil. maybe I would feel a spot better if it snowed a bit before Christmas. I always like when it snows just before or on Christmas. As long as I can stay away from the cookies I made I will be OK no matter what. Have a great day everyone. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day ninety-nine.

One of the things I remember growing up was my mom, JoAnn Larson, telling me there’d be new rules and regulations at home when she was displeased about something. It didn’t matter whether it was money, cleaning up, work, school for me, clothes…anything. If it needed fixin’ there were gonna be “new rules and regulations.” Well, at this point in my body’s life and my weight loss journey I need to state the same on two other fronts.

One, I am going to begin eating human portions again. I got to 225 eating what a normal, skinny guy would eat and it worked. I have the most success when I can put extraneous food(s) away and say “enough!” Like this mroning, I had a muffin for breakfast and ice water (see…not even coffee). I could have had another muffin but I didn’t. I am starting fresh to get my eating act together. I will also go workout today to help that along because I so feel like a hot air balloon today. Ugh. I feel so bloated. What a way to start the week. I am up a staggering three pounds in my weight (I’m at 242.8) and I am just puffy, bloated, fat and kind of grumpy about it. The good news is that I did get in a couple of really good workouts this weekend. The bad news continues to be my portion control. That is the problem. That, and snacking. Even though I have a wonderful, homemade trail mix of walnuts, Craisins and raisins, I eat way too much of it and drink waaaaaay too much Coke Zero. Sigh, and all that makes up the hot, heated air that makes my stomach inflate like…you guessed it…a balloon.

Two, after much thought, there are going to be some changes to my weight loss blog, Determined To Succeed, and its contents. Thanks to screwing up so much of my life over this past year I have wasted tons of time, time that I could have spent working on projects that are key and important to me. That means I am going to be cutting back on writing my blog to three times a week. It will still be regular (like metamucil) and I will continue to write the blog on Mondays, Wednesdays and probably Fridays (although that may change to Saturdays – we’ll see). This way I can devote more time, brain space, creativity and writing “umph” to those projects I mentioned. I must. It also means that certain sections of my website will be pared-down and/or eliminated. I just can’t keep up with them and know I won’t be able to regularly. I am so sorry about that but I want to give you the best blog and website possible. I don’t know which sections will stay or go (although MEMORIES OF MY MOTHER will remain definitely) but you will see soon. So if you see changes that is why.

I hope all of you who have followed my blog regularly will continue to follow me. If you follow me daily, thank you. If you follow me weekly and/or monthly, thank you. Thank you all. Please continue to do so. I will continue to write from the front lines of the battle of the bulge. I need to if only to keep myself current and accountable. I also hope my journey continues to help you guys too. I am just taking the time and energy I need to devote to some other things going on which you will learn about very soon (that, and the 40 or so things I plan to do for my 40th birthday).

All that being said it’s time to buckle down with our new rules and regulations. So if you are checking in today the next new blog will be Wednesday morning which by then will mean, hopefully, I have worked out like a fiend and have the chiseled body that inspired statues and countless works of art over the millenia. No? Well, at least have worked out and have eaten less so I can start that damned downward trend for the last bloody time. To win the battle of the bulge and not just fight it all the time. Have a great day everyone. Talk to you on Wednesday.

Day ninety-three.

I can’t begin to tell you all the times Bill Ivory Larson wakes up on a given morning NOT feeling like doing something that particular day. Going to the store. Cleaning the house. Making a phone call to a creditor or business. Putting my nice warm and toasty feet on the cold, hard floor. It doesn’t matter. From time to time all of us face that point where we have to do something that we don’t want to do but have to do anyway.

Take for example working out, which for me has been more mental than anything lately. It’s not that I hate going to the gym. In fact, I love going and love sweating my ass off when I’m there. Sometimes, though, it’s purely because I HAVE TO GO that makes me not WANT to go. Know what I mean? It’s that I wish I didn’t HAVE to do it all the time. I wish I was one of those people who could (seemingly) eat whatever they want and not gain an ounce AND look like they just stepped out of a fashion magazine ad. But noooooooooo! I HAVE to go workout if I am going to merely keep my weight down. Bah! Bah, I say! The same goes for eating more nutritious foods, eating right and exercising portion control.

I know I should have a better mental attitude sometimes about weight loss. I absolutely do but I am human. But the thing that makes me know this is a story my sensei, Doug Shaffer, told me last week.

Doug told me the story of a kid he knew (you know a story will never end well when the words “kid” and “knew” crop up. Very foreboding, indeed) who was onloy twenty-one years old and died from an asthma attack. Poor guy. Went to a party, got plastered, went back to his place and zonked out. Somehow, he started having an attack and couldn’t get to his medicine (or was passed out while it was happening) and he died. he was found the next day by his girlfriend.

Just twenty-one, and with so much life ahead of him.

The reason I tell you that story today (and tell myself that story) is that we cannot sit on our butts and wait to feel like we WANT to do something. If there is something we have to do we should just go do it, for the love of God, and get it out of the way. I know I have never in my life been good at doing that because I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings (that they wouldn’t like me anymore), or that there would be repercussions (like at my former job where you would just not want to open your mouth out of dread and a constant fear of being fired for daring to speak out). If we wait, if I wait, to do do something for when I WANT to do it I might be waiting a long time. Worse, I will be wasting time in the process, and I have wasted too much time on addictions to waste anymore of it on silly things that are only in my head.

Next month, I am going to celebrate being 40 years old and in the coming weeks I will tell you how I plan to celebrate my birthday all year long. But in the meantime I’m just going to think about how I lived almost 19 years longer than a kid who died simply because he couldn’t take a breath. I know exactly how that feels. I, too, had asthma so bad I couldn’t breathe at times. Hell, it even made me pass out once. I’ve lived 19 years longer and that means I SHOULD do something with that and because of that. That is purpose. That is drive. That is will.

I will because I must make the most of each and every day. No. Matter. What.

My friends, if there is something you don’t want to do today but know that you have to keep two things in mind. One, that you are not alone. There are so many others facing similar feelings about their own situations. Two, once you get it over with you will feel so much better and can move on to the things you WANT to do (and yes, that does include eating what you should and exercising to keep weight in check). That is what I will do today. Do the things I need to do to make the time to do what I want to do.

In honor of that kid who didn’t make it to see 22.

In honor of my mom, JoAnn Larson, so I do not disappoint her.

Most of all, for myself so I can be the man I’ve always wanted to be and now strive for every day. One of which my mom can be proud and I can say did the hard things even if he didn’t want to so that he, and those closest to him, could be happy in the long run.

Day seventy-three.

There are times that I can’t help thinking about the movies. Ever since I was a kid, and thanks to my awesome mother, JoAnn Larson, I have always loved the movies and the magic they create. They happen to hold a treasure trove of answers to life’s great mysteries and challenges and offer advice and examples of situations that can be applied to, well, almost everyone. A prime example of this was at last night’s twelve-step meeting which felt less like a collection of broken people and more like the original Fellowship from “Lord of the Rings.”

In “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, et. al. are brought together and told of a great mission they must undertake – to return the powerful but evil ring of power to the fires of the volcanic Mount Doom to be destroyed forever. If you even somewhat familiar with the story, spread out over three books (and three incredible movies) you know Frodo is the keeper of the ring and, as such, falls victim at points to its incredible power. However, thanks to the strength and determination of his friends and the Fellowship he is able to complete his mission and save Middle Earth from darkness.

In the meeting last night, as we all gathered around the tables set up in a square formation so we could all see each other (like a certain Round Table with which we are familiar) we told our individual tales of the week, or even the day or hour, that brought us to the meeting point last night. There was a resounding sense of taking a breath from each one of us and many of us, myself included, thanked the other members of the group for being there to offer support, encouragement, friendship and, of course, fellowship to us along our journeys. It was then that my mind knew that while there was no “one ring” to return to the molten lava of a volcano we all needed each other from time to time, as Frodo needed Sam and the rest of the Fellowship, to keep going.

After the meeting I sat for a minute in my car and thought about how safe and relaxing the meeting was. It was nowhere near as uncomfortable as Sunday’s meeting, but no matter how weird, uncomfortable or whatever the meetings get they are always a safe place for people to land when they feel as though they can’t get to where they need to go in life and have nowhere else to go to take some of the burden of life away – if even for just an hour. That is the beauty of them and why they are absolutely necessary.

In this thing I call a weight loss journey I have always tried to offer support, guidance, humor and, most of all, a human story to the realities of weight loss to everyone looking to lose weight. I do this because I know the one thing that all people crave is company. We all want understanding, caring, an ear. Most of all, we want (and need) fellowship so we know we are not alone in any of this fight through which we are going. Losing weight is hard enough but to do it without the encouragement of others, be them family, friends, co-workers or others in a group, would be damn near impossible. At least it would be for me.

One of the things I have always said is that none of us is alone in this quest to lose extra pounds and I reaffirm that today. Each and every one of us deserve another chance in life to do the good things we are meant to do, most of all to and for ourselves and I support you, my friends. Weight loss is a bitch but I understand your pain. I share it. I see it when I step on the scale. I feel it in the gym when I sweat. But no matter how hard it gets our fellowship – or our Fellowship – stays strong and committed.  And if you need just a word or two of strength all you need to do is read these Determined To Succeed weight loss blogs. They are not only my story but our story. It may not be as nicely written as “Lord of the Rings” but it is something in which we all can share strength, wisdom, advice and healing.

The weight will come off and demons will go away. That is why all good stories end with six of the best words ever written…

…and they lived happily ever after.

Day sixty-five.

Damn Tom Selleck! I never thought I’d hear those words come out of my mouth (well, typed on my computer) but there they are. I know you must be asking why I am damning “Magnum P.I.” so I will tell you why. Because he is so damned convincing in his “drink orange juice” spiel that I did…a whole half-gallon of it last night. That’s right. I consumed an entire half-gallon of orange juice. Ugh. I feel so wasted.

My fascination with orange juice probablygoes back to me being a kid. My mom, JoAnn Larson, and I went to our local Walgreens which, back then, had a diner attached. Well, I thought I was the shit when she ordered coffee for herself and an “O.J. on the rocks” for me. Me, her son! She ordered what sounded so grown up and exotic that I was beside myself. Then, when I got it and realized it was orange juice on ice I loved it just the same, and have ever since. And yes, on “the rocks.”

So last night I satisfied my craving for Italian food (being that it was Columbus Day) with a delicious baked ziti and Italian sausage. It was absolutely delicious but when I looked in the fridge for something with which to wash it down I saw the “tower of power,” the unopened carton of orange juice. Knowing that I have something of an orange juice craving I promised myself I’d just have two glasses (two small glasses that is). However that went out of the window so fast I could barely see it. What started out as two quickly became six-and-a-half glasses (all with ice) and before I knew it I finished the container.

“DAMN!” I thought to myself as I angrily shoved the now-empty container into the trash bin. “I shouldn’t have had all that O.J.” I went to sulk on the couch, watch “The Event” and promptly fell asleep afterward. I was in a self-induced food coma and O.J. “drunk.” I woke up this morning a full pound over where I was yesterday and I am soooooooo not pleased. Not one bit.

Damn you, Tom Selleck.

O.K., I can’t really blame Magnum for my “drinking problem.” Despite the fact I’ve been doing really well staying away from regular Coca-Cola, orange juice will always be my downfall. I even looked up how much I drank. I consumed the entire carton of Minute Maid no pulp orange juice, which contains eight 8-ounce servings, each with 110 calories each. Yep, that means I drank 64-ounces of orange juice and 880 calories – JUST BY DRINKING. Grrrrrrr.

I know I know better but it does just go to show (and show me) we need to watch the calories we drink. I am still in shock over the whole thing. Of course there are things in the world that are so much worse that drinking that much O.J., but watching my weight and calories and what I ingest is critical to not only my health but my future. It is at once both health-related and economic (since I didn’t spread out that purchase over several meals as I should have). And can I just mention my weight again…

Well, as I am always fond of saying (and believing) today is another day and a chance to right the wrongs of yesterday. Addictive patterns run deep in me, that much is for sure, especially with food and drink and I am the first to admit I am addicted to food and not in very good ways. But I will pick myself up again and keep moving forward. I will get to the gym today and workout. I will NOT consume as much as I did yesterday. I will be better. I have to be, especially since the guy who originally was chosen to play Indiana Jones is telling me to drink 100% pure orange juice…

…with credentials like that, his smoking of cigars aside for the moment, how could “Magnum P.I.”  be wrong?

Day sixty.

How cool and exciting is that?! For sixty days I have been sober and appreciating life and am facing, for the first time, not feeling fear about facing the past while looking forward to the future. It is awesome to finally (FINALLY) be proud of myself and to admit to people that I was ashamed of things in my past, things which led me down dark and twisty paths until I hit my rock bottom. But I am, with each and every day, striving always to be changed, better and a different man – one that my mom, JoAnn Larson, would be proud to say is her son. I love you, Ma! Very much.

I think she also might be proud that I stayed in the house last night to eat. Do you know how freaking tempting it is to eat out? Even when you have a fridge full of food it is so tempting to say “screw it, I’m gonna just go buy this or that or the other.” Never mind that, for just a little time and effort, you can eat not just well but very well and have some kick-ass dishes.

Take for example breakfast. Those of you who have followed me over almost the past year (and thank you so much for doing that) know I love McDonald’s breakfast sausage. Besides their french fries it is the reason to eat there. In my former 400-pound life I used to down a couple of Sausage McMuffin with Egg sandwiches, two of their addictive and crack-like hash browns while washing it down with a large Coke (yes, one that was ice-cold). That was my breakfast! Yes, I bought that every single day. I can’t tell you how much money I spent over the years doing that, either. A small fortune, I’m sure. Now, over these past few years I’ve all but stopped going to McDonald’s except for the every blue moon “O.K., it’s the only thing around and I’m hungry” and their new fruit smoothies (particularly the strawberry banana). But I cooked breakfast at home today. I got out a frying pan, two eggs, one turkey sausage pattie and a small amount of shredded mozzarella cheese, all of which I had in the fridge having already purchased these things at the store. In no time at all I had me my very own sausage, egg and cheese sandwich on wheat toast and it was yummy…

…and better prepared…

…and waaaaaaaaay cheaper.

Same thing goes for lunch. Yesterday, I had leftover meatloaf, mashed potatoes (real ones made from the mashing of whole potatoes) and greens. Was it easier to say “screw it, I don’t want this” and go out to get something? Yeppers, but I didn’t and the leftovers were good. Damn good, even. And again waaaaay cheaper.

The point I’m trying to make is that we need to make adjustments to our lifestyles if we are ever going to truly attack weight loss and fight the “battle of the bulge.” No matter whether food is your drug of choice or not we all have to stop acting out, especially if food is how you “self-medicate.” I know the temptations of eating out are great. Food prepared in flashy ways with great marketing campaigns is great, but nothing compared to the food you’ve had all along at home in your own fridge. Food, that with just a little time and effort, becomes the best banquet of all.

I know that changing a life ain’t easy. Believe me, I know several ways and times over, but it can be done as long as you have the heart to face whatever is truly making you “act out” in life.  When you do that, when you finally turn around and face whatever it is you’re running from, you will finally be free of it and the shame that makes you numb yourself. There is a wonderful world out there and it should be enjoyed. So go, enjoy it and appreciate it but always remember the best foods are the foods made at home with hard work, time and your own two hands.

Day fifty-one.

This morning I am thinking about demons. Demons that seem unstoppable and invincible. Demons that, no matter what, can stand up to even time itself, the supposed great healer of all. Well, there are some things that time doesn’t take away, like pain. For example, it’s been almost a year and four months already since my mom, JoAnn Larson, passed away and I still feel that moment as if it were yesterday. I still feel the absence of her on this earth and, from what I hear from others who’ve lost parents, always will. Sure, time takes away some of the immediate sting but it never takes away the memory of the pain itself, and oh, how I wish it did.

When I was a child I was so ashamed of how I was living the shame became a tangible thing I touched every day. I felt my surroundings not only around me but inside me. I became saturated by the sights, sounds and smells of where I was living. I felt the roaches crawl on my skin. I could almost feel the gritty dirt on the faded light green of the walls. I smelled the accumulated smells in the carpet in the long hallway of my apartment building floor as the building passed into decrepit oblivion – the dust, garbage, people, old food, must and rodents all part of a gigantic trap from which I felt no release. Hell, I am also quite sure I went to school smelling of old cigarettes, since my mother loved unfiltered Pall Malls and we did live in one very small room. To this day I cannot stand the smell of old cigarette smoke which does get everywhere instantly no matter what a smoker might tell you to the contrary. That is a pain from which I have been removed for more than twenty years but which still helped define me, both in good ways and bad.

The pain and shame of that place, combined with burying that pain and numbing it with X, Y and Z helped to create an addict, one that became seriously addicted to food as part of a cycle that led me to my life’s rock bottom. Then, lump on other unhappinesses, disappointments, anger, the inability to express myself, job stress, relationship bullshit and more and, over the years, the pain and shame became sentient, a living breathing demon who still inhabits parts of my brain and soul.

When you train yourself to numb things it is very hard to not numb them anymore. Food tastes good. I love good Chinese food (notice I said GOOD Chinese food, like Chicago good not Jersey/Philly so-so), I love sweet rolls (good bakery sweet rolls like my mom and I used to get on Sundays to eat while reading the paper), I love ice-cold Coca-Colas which at one point were bottles of ice-cold Pepsi, I love mashed potatoes, fried things, chocolate things, buttery things, Italian Beefs, cheesesteaks, french fries…I love it all. But I was “using,” using all that and more to numb a pain and truth which I have only recently come to grapple with and understand. Once I did that I was truly able to see food and other things weren’t enjoyable, they were the heroin I injected into my veins to make the world and its reality go away for just a little while.

That is addiction. That is food addiction. When using what is normal, everyday, commonplace pleasurable and warping it into something that not only is bad but also feeds the demon(s) born from long days ago. That is how demons can withstand the test of time.

I am doing my absolute best to curtail these demons and live a healthier, happier life. In fact I’m gonna fight the food demon as soon as I am done posting today by working out in the gym (since it is quite rainy today in southern New Jersey). Fifty-one days is truly a blessing and one on which I intend to build a foundation of good for my life and those wonderful people in it. I won’t let them down because I won’t let myself down again. Not like that. Not ever.

Time may heal some things but it doesn’t heal others. That’s O.K., because it’s what we do with today that matters. We may not be able to change what happened before but we sure as hell can control what happens today, tomorrow and in all the tomorrows yet to come.And so far I have fifty-one of them. Of all the things I’ve collected in my lifetime, days of sobriety are what I want a treasure trove of in the future.

Day forty-four.

As you could tell from my posting yesterday I do my best to make “living amends,” meaning even if the people I have wronged in life don’t know, care, support or accept my attempts to put things right I know I am still walking and living the path to being a better, healthier and stronger man free of who and what I was before.But yesterday was a pretty rough. It’s been forty-four days and in each and every one of those days I have done my best to do at least one thing to reclaim my humanity and be my mother’s son again. Yesterday, though, I just fell apart and questioned everything, especially whether or not I was even worth it all.

No matter what your drug of choice might be, if you’re an addict you hurt people in the most acute of ways and that pain can last a lifetime. In exploring my past and trying to reconnect exactly what made me an addict and turn to my drugs, including food, I realize how ashamed I was of me even way back when I was a child. I was ashamed about how I grew up in a one-room, roach-infested apartment in an old hotel, I was ashamed I never had any money, I was ashamed I couldn’t afford new clothes and had to wear pants and shirts with holes in them and I was ashamed I didn’t have the seemingly normal life my friends seemed to have. I was so ashamed I lied about it all and that was the beginning of two things – my creation of alternate realities to suit a false image to others and my turning to food as comfort to numb and take away the pain.

Like I said last night was a rough one and sitting there thinking about it all I started to cry. I started to cry and really question whether or not I was really worthy of the chances I’ve been given in life. I sat there and wondered out loud whether or not I was doing anybody any good and whether or not the demons, dark forces and black holes that had surrounded me in life were right all along – that I was nothing, a bad person not worthy of redemption.

That’s when the oldest demon of all came for a visit. The demon of food. He came to me and put his arm around me. “There, there,” he said, “it’s going to be alright. Why don’t you just hop in the car and grab some Chinese food and we can talk about it.”

“Fuck,” I thought to myself, “Chinese does sound so good.” I thought about all the other foods that would make me feel better – cheeseburgers, Taco Bell, anything…anything to just numb the pain of what I was feeling. Anything to run away from it.

But I couldn’t run any longer. Forty-four days ago I said I wasn’t going to run and hide anymore from life, the pain or the truth and I wasn’t going to start last night. Forty-four days is how long I’ve been sober, and telling the truth about things and being honest with myself and I’m not going to start breaking that especially with food. Fuck that, and fuck all the bad thoughts I had last night. We do need to face our fears, doubts, anxieties, anger, sadness and pain but we can do that without compounding those feelings with even more shame – the shame of acting out in some way that does take us express to the people we were before.

I did, however, compromise and had some strawberry ice-cream. It was creamy, smooth and delicious. After that I was done. I was done with the cravings. Every day, every single day, I work the twelve steps in my mind and try to be a better person, whether others think it or not. But I am so lucky I am surrounded by people who do think I am worth it even I don’t necessarily believe it myself some days. That includes the spirit of my mom, JoAnn Larson, who was wise in so many wonderful ways that her brilliance astounds me to this day and always will.

I will never go back to being 400 pounds. That man was unhappy, and profoundly so, for so many reasons. However, I do have work to do. I am down a few ounces today and that is a start. Hell, I might have even cried out those ounces but they are gone and I am down slightly. I have always told you out there you are not alone and I meant it. There are times I feel beaten down, unworthy, tired, angry and defeated and I want to eat, too. I do. I sooooo do. I want to run away and drown out the noise and numb the pain with food that tastes so good. That is being human. But there is one thing on our side that keeps us sane – reason. We have the ability to reason and figure out/discover the WHYs and HOWs of things so we don’t keep doing the same shit over and over to detrimental effect to others but, most of all, to ourselves.

That is how we survive. That is how we move forward. That is how we will win.

I woke up today feeling much better. The sun was shining (still is) and the crisp morning air felt good. Most of all, I had reached day forty-four and I am lucky and blessed for that because so many people can’t and don’t even reach day one. Yes, I woke up this morning feeling better and today is dedicated to surviving, to moving forward and most of all, to winning so I can smile and reach day forty-five. Even after such a dark night of the soul I know I am worth it. We are all worth it.

PS: I had a low-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts for breakfast. Funny how feeling good keeps you from going to the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

Day nineteen.

I woke up this morning and I cried. I cried because of the realization that I was finally becoming a whole person again. I cried because all those parts of me and my soul that had been scattered to the four winds (despair, shame, guilt and gluttony) have started coming back and are now a part of me again and for the first time in my recent memory I am here and present.

I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like having your soul, brain, heart and energy segmented like that.  Sad to say it is something you have to experience to know. To use a movie analogy it’s like being Voldemort from the Harry Potter books. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Voldemort uses physical objects to place parts of his soul so that, no matter what happens to his physical body, he can return. In that world it is the darkest, blackest magic there is. In this world, my world, it was the darkest and blackest my soul had ever been. It’s so bad that you put yourself aside for the drug. You do, and the motions you go through aren’t for you. They’re for the drug.

Being addicted to something – anything – means you not only get a high from it but you eventually start trading things, including pieces of your life and soul for it. If you know anyone who’s an addict they will tell you that. They will also tell you what withdrawl is like – that maddening craving for the drug when you ween yourself off of it. But what I am going through isn’t withdrawl, it’s reverse withdrawl.

I cried today because I really felt myself coming back together today. I felt the parts of my soul that had been gone for so long come back home. I watched the sun rise a bit this morning, listened to the birds sing their morning songs of hunger and felt myself take in such good, deep breaths that I felt almost overwhelmed. I felt heavier. Not just because I’ve been eating like a pig lately but because the best parts of me rejoined me. My mind wasn’t in one place while my soul was shoved away in a closet somewhere. I wasn’t spending my time being an addict and splitting my time, energies and self between so many different things. I was here again and I was at peace.

The last time I felt peace like that was when I sat with my mother, JoAnn Larson, as she lay dying from pancreatic cancer. I’ve said it before and I will say it again I know exactly how lucky a bastard I am because I was able to say to my mom “I love you, mama” and hear her say “I love you, too, son” back. Those were literally her last words to me. Those were literally her last words. After that she slipped further and further away until finally she became eternally free and healed from that terrible bitch disease. Those words brought me peace and they are what I held onto as her hand grew cold even as I held it watching her take her last breath on this earth.

Reclaiming what had been gone so long makes you heavier. I don’t know how but it does. They say when your spirit leaves your body you actually lose weight. Well, I now know what it’s like to breathe and live again. I was dying. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. This morning, and these past few weeks, have all been part of a process I hope to and want to continue. I love this reverse withdrawl. It’s renewed my senses and it’s making me whole again.

I talk all the time about seeing the “promised land.” In the past I meant about weight loss and I still do. I lost the weight of a grown person and I will never, EVER regain it back because I knew I would be dead had I kept it. But I have also seen the “promised land” of what it’s like to crave something so much it takes over your life, and yes, that can be food, too. But I would try to save you that pain and have you learn from my experience to stay away from that rancid hell on earth.

No matter what your addiction you are worth so much more than that which drives you. Our souls must be one within ourselves to truly be alive and that cannot happen craving something else. Yesterday I made a kick-ass soup (the Delicious Bean Stew I listed the recipe for – it’s awesome, by the way). Today, Friday, and tomorrow, Saturday, I’m going to workout with my martial arts instructor, Doug Shaffer, and it’s going to feel great. I am going to see and talk with friends and I am gonna drive with the windows down to feel the warm air on my face. That is life, and I am embracing it again after such a long, long time.

If you are new to reading me, welcome. I truly appreciate you stopping by to check out this website to gain inspiration in your weight loss journey. I am still on that path and will forever be on that path with you. There are two parts of it, you know. Losing weight and keeping it off, the latter being the on-going, lifestyle-changing part. It may be rough, and I know it is, but there is a difference this time as there is now a difference in my life.

I am here and present, and when we can say that, and really and truly mean it, we can and will do anything because we have our lives back and finally back in our control. Have a great weekend.