Determined To Succeed

Day sixteen.

Honesty. Funny how such a simple word and concept can have such a different meaning to different people, me included. There are even qualifiers attached to the word at times, words like total honesty, brutal honesty and radical honesty, which is the type of honesty I am trying my best to practice these days. But let’s break down each of these and what they mean knowing completely that this not only extends to addictions, but to weight loss, work, friends, school, family, you name it. It applies to all.

Let’s begin with the phrase total honesty. Its wording implies that simple honesty or honesty by itself wasn’t honest, and that a portion of the truth was hidden. You see it every single day, I bet. Now ask yourself, how many times has someone said to you “O.K., to be totally honest…” And yes, this is the one I am guilty of most of all.

Yesterday I mentioned how there was ever only one person to whom I told everything and that was my mama, JoAnn. After she said “nobody needs to know our business but us” I knew at once I had both a confidant as well as a co-secret keeper about things starting with the way we lived. A one-room, roach-infested apartment inside a hotel was certainly not the worst it ever could have been. I was never abused, verbally or physically, my life could have been in danger from neighbors or visitors to the building, etc., and my mom did the best she could to keep that roof over our heads with her meager wages especially after my father left. That wasn’t failure that was love, I just never opened up about it because, to a kid, that wasn’t what you saw on TV. It wasn’t what I saw when I went to other people’s houses. Yes, I was never totally honest until this part of my life.

Now let’s talk about brutal honesty, which is a phrase employed when you want or need justification for being truthful with someone when you may or may not have lied to them. It is also a way certain people in this world say mean-spirited things and get away with it because they shield themselves with the word “honesty” while brandishing the razor-sharp sword of “brutal” in their verbal attack on someone. I’ve heard so many people in my life say “to be brutally honest, this is terrible….” blah, blah but while they were hurting feelings they used that word honesty, as if they were such good people for saying it the way they did.

Now let’s talk about radical honesty, which is what I am practicing these days. This is a form of honesty where the doors are finally thrown wide-open and halls, closets and attic filled with boxes of lies and deceit are cleared out and lights brought in to finally see the spaces inside. In opening up to people as I have been lately I have been exploring the many parts of my brain and soul that have been locked away for so long I never thought anyone, not even me, would see them again. That’s how radical honesty works.

But what about poor and simple honesty, who, if it were followed, wouldn’t need to be total, brutal or radical at all. It would simply be the truth. Not the truth as you see it, not the truth that fits an agenda, not a truth that makes you more likable but plain and simple truth. No having to muscle up strength to offer the “total” or “brutal” truth to undo omissions or lies offered to spare feelings or get what you want. Just truth.

When the concepts of truth and honesty are employed it’s as if a weight is lifted, like me saying to you I ate like crap yesterday. I had a ton of pasta (O.K. maybe not a ton but a helping more than I should have) and it shows today in my weight. It doesn’t just make me know I have to do better in eating today, no. It lets me know I was honest with myself. I was honest with myself about what I did and that I have to make it up to myself because we all start the day looking at one person – ourselves – and we end our days the same way.

Honesty may have varying degrees of definition from one person to the next and from one situation to the next but it does help. It does. It may sting at times. It may hurt. It may not even make you very well liked. But it will mean you are respected, and always keep in mind in this weight loss journey (and in other areas of your lives) that the one person who needs to respect you the most is you, because when you have self-respect you will find the world is a far more accepting, kind and honest place to live.

It’s amazing what punching and kicking a heavy bag will do to get your mind right again.

Yesterday was my usual martial arts class and, as usual, I worked myself up into a sweat within minutes which is totally awesome. I knew with the funk I have been in I needed to get my head back in the game and punching and kicking the bag was just what the doctor (inside my head) ordered. Problem is it is so physically taxing I can easily wear myself out. You’d be surprised how just shadowboxing can make you sweat and wear you out. Don’t believe me, try it sometime. Stand in front of a mirror (not too close) and throw some punches using your reflection as your opponent. Throwing a punch and having it make no contact uses a ton of energy. It is great, and you will not look as silly as you think you are doing it. Trust me, it rocks.

And can I just tell you guys – I DID MY ONE SOLID AND TRUE PUSH-UP!

It may not seem like a big deal to many of you but that is (no pun intended) HUGE for me! I have never, even when I was a kid, been able to do a real, honest-to-goodness push-up (defined as using just your arms with spine straight and not your belly to push you up). Well, I did one and I have to say it absolutely helped fuel the rest of my workout. It helped me not overeat yesterday. It is helping to get my mind right. I feel like freaking Superman today because of that one push-up. Why? Because one will eventually lead to two, then to three, etc.

That’s why it is so bloody important none of us give up. I know I’ve been down in the dumps lately but, as I am always fond of saying, it is only temporary. I know it is. I just need to reckon with it and be able to put it away. You guys can do the same, too. Whatever funk you all are in, it is only temporary. Yesterday was Hump Day and I do think I got over that hump.

Again, it’s amazing what punching and kicking a heavy bag will do. That and the power in one single, tried-and-true push-up.

Today, I’m going to concentrate on the things that will make me productive and positive and move me in the best ways I know how. That also means not getting the Chick-Fil-A peach shake I so desperately want (those things are damned good). It means drinking that water and working out later, too. It means heading to the gym and doing some shadowboxing of my own to work up that sweat to keep seeing those results. It means getting my mind right.

Come to think of it, I now know why my mom, JoAnn, used to ball up socks and throw them at me and me at her when I was a kid. It was our way of working out frustrations in a fun yet exhausting way. It was wonderful and she made a game out of it. And it always made us laugh. Wow. I get it now. As I sit and write this tears are coming to my eyes because another piece of the puzzle has been placed. Amazing! It took me all this time to realize it was fun, positive release.  It was simple. It was wonderful. It was so us. Thank you, Mama.

See. This is what I mean by getting your mind right. It may not ever be readily apparent but simple exertions like punching and kicking a bag can trigger something, something special, that knocks things back into alignment – like the WHY of me and mom throwing socks at each other. It’s so cool. Cooler than words can say and better than any word can ever express.

Happy Monday, everyone. Did you all have a good weekend? I have to say my weekend was good, and yes, I resisted food temptations and did exercise (even though the temps have consistently been in the 90s and continue to be so). I even resisted the awesomely wonderful smell of movie popcorn and had a Coke Zero (COKE ZERO – BAH!). I wanted a regular Coca-Cola so bad but I resisted, trying so hard to be good. It seems the food binge of a week ago cured me, at least temporarily, of eating like that again.

I woke up kind of late this morning (something that’s getting to be an annoying habit) and realized I have a speaking engagement to do this evening. I always feel pretty natural in front of crowds or on TV but I always feel the excitement, anxiousness and anticipation of speaking in front of a group, especially when weight loss is the subject.

Losing weight is truly one of the most personal things I have ever done and sometimes it hurts to remember and talk about things associated with my weight gain because a lot of it has to do with my mom and how we lived. I think back to when I was a fat kid and how all we had in the house was crap to eat. The guilt comes when I think about stuff like that because my mom, JoAnn, always did her absolute best to keep a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. For that I will always love you, Mama, and thank you. It wasn’t the best food but it was food, however it is part of what made me a fat kid.

It is especially alarming when you see how my personal story matches up with data just released in June in the report “F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2010.” Adult obesity rates increased in 28 states in the past year, and declined only in the District of Columbia (D.C.), according to the report from the Trust for America’s Health (TFAH) and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF). More than two-thirds of states (38) have adult obesity rates above 25 percent. In 1991, no state had an obesity rate above 20 percent.

That’s a helluva way to wake up on a Monday morning.

The report also highlights troubling racial, ethnic, regional and income disparities in the nation’s obesity epidemic. For instance, adult obesity rates for Blacks and Latinos were higher than for Whites in at least 40 states and the District of Columbia; 10 out of the 11 states with the highest rates of obesity were in the South — with Mississippi weighing in with highest rates for all adults (33.8 percent) for the sixth year in a row; and 35.3 percent of adults earning less than $15,000 per year were obese compared with 24.5 percent of adults earning $50,000 or more per year.

To put this into personal terms, and from what I remember from my mom’s paycheck, she earned an estimated $19,200 a year. Wow. That’s the first time I did that math in my head and figured out how up-against-it we were in terms of income, bills and health. Of course being lower income we were heavier. All the foods we could afford were bad-for-you foods but foods we could get to carry us from one week to the next.

It was what we had, but it helped make me fat. That is part of the vicious circle. That is part of my guilt in talking about it. But I have never hidden from it and have always been honest with you about things like that. How can I when nearly one-third of children and teens are obese or overweight. I am trying my best to help in any way I can and say we have to do better.

I am lucky, I know that. I am lucky because I bottomed out and realized I had to do something. I am lucky because I had support doing it. I am lucky because I now know my triggers and can stop myself if needs be. Not everyone has that. Some people have others, even loved ones or family members, trying to sabotage them. And some people unfortunately just don’t have safe places to play or workout and can’t afford healthier food.

Tonight when I speak to this group I’m going to do what I always do…tell my story and hope it helps inspire people to lose weight or others in their lives to lose weight. I wish, though, I could send money via Western Union to me and my mom way back then. Like instead of sending it anywhere in the world I would send it anywhen so I could help us out. I always wanted to help my mom, she worked so hard. I guess the only thing I can do now is honor her by staying as healthy as I can.

It’s not easy at all resisting the smell of warm, buttered popcorn popping in a theater lobby before a movie. Hell, it’s part of the movie going experience. But when you consider how many calories are in that popcorn, and how many people (including yours truly) are overweight and eating that stuff, choices at the concession stands are made simpler.

I want to be around for a good long time, no matter how jarring waking up on Mondays can be.

There’s no better time like the present.

How many times do we hear and say those words? And how many times do we hear and say those words and then NOT back them up with an action? If you answered “a lot,” then you are not alone. I, too, am guilty of saying “hey, let’s do this now while we still can,” only to have “this” be as fleeting as a dream you can’t remember the next day.

I bring this up because of something that happened yesterday here in Philadelphia, the kind of thing that makes you stop in your tracks.You see the search continues today for two people still missing after yesterday’s boating accident on the Delaware River. A tourist “Duck Boat” ride sank shortly before 3pm, after it was hit by a barge in the Delaware River. And of the 37 people on the boat two are still missing and presumed dead.

It is horrible news, indeed, yet it is the kind of news that can make you, me and everyone else actually do some of the “this” we always say we are going to do. Because time is short, my friends. Very short. I felt time’s acute sting in June 2009 when my mom, JoAnn, died. From the day we found out it was pancreatic cancer to the day she died it was only 18 days. 18 short days. And every day after I have viewed life as a gift. I went to Egypt in her honor afterward and made a promise to myself I would see more of the world while I still can – because you never know what could happen tomorrow (like those poor people who signed up to take a stupid “Ride The Ducks” tour and ended up being capsized in the Delaware fighting for their lives on a record-setting hot day).

Before 2005, I made broken promises to myself (and others) to lose weight. My old landlady used to chide me all the time and say, in a very cute broken English/Greek accent, “Beeel. You need to drop the weight. Yes?” Before that, as I told you guys before, I used to hide behind lies when asked if I was losing weight. I may have lost ten here or five there but always said “no” so I had a way to go back when I failed. And believe me I always did.

But one day in 2005 I “bottomed out” and said no more. I am going to do “this” today and I started. And once I did I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. There was momentum, and it was different that time. I could feel it. And it might have taken me three-and-a-half years but I got to that promised land. I got to that promise I made to myself. I got to my “this.”

What I am saying to you is that, if you are thinking about starting to lose weight, you should just start. Today. Right now. There really is no better time like the present. I mean you know as well as I do it ain’t going to mysteriously happen overnight and you and I both ain’t gonna wake up the next day magically looking like we want to at the weight we want. It takes time, hard work, patience and vision to know you WILL get there. But every day you put it off, every day you delay that start, you waste time plain and simple. And time is something none of us are sure we ever have. Just ask those souls who thought they signed up for a simple couple of hours touring Philly by boat yesterday.

You bet your ass this is a wake up call for you, but not an angry one. If you are afraid it is time to confront that fear. It is time to acknowledge, at least to yourself, what is driving that fear and beat it. It is time to say “I am not going to be afraid” because that, my friends, is the only thing standing in your way – even if it’s the fear of succeeding. But fear is only holding you back if you let it, and you losing weight – meaning being healthier and living a longer, better, fuller, richer, easier life – is within your grasp.

Time is fleeting, my friends. And if things like yesterday’s boat accident on the Delaware (or September 11, 2001, or any number of events) teach us anything it’s to cherish our lives and make the most of them and the time we have on this planet. It’s what we got. It’s all we got. But different than that horrific accident, this “this” is within your power to change.

There is no better time like the present, and no better time to begin a weight loss journey. Your life can have so many days added on to it and the life you save and extend could very well be your own.

Did you guys see the Edward Norton movie version of “The Incredible Hulk?” In it we see how long Norton’s Dr. Bruce Banner has gone without turning into The Hulk by displaying on-screen an electronic tally sheet that lists “days without incident.” Of course you wouldn’t have much of a movie if Banner’s “days without incident” kept going. It would be like watching paint dry or watching a pot of water and waiting for it to boil.

Boring.

Well, I sort of feel like that crossed with the commercial where the cell phone coverage area pops up above someone’s head. It is Day Two of my re-engaging my routine to lose weight and shed these two additional pounds before June 9.  Day Two – That’s what my electronic “days without incident” meter is displaying. I did well yesterday. I exercised and ate really well. I had a chicken breast for lunch with water (yep, no Coca-Cola) and I had a protein-filled steak for dinner with green beans. Totally tasty.

Now before you start saying to me “Bill, you really should lay off red meat,” I know that. I do, and I have been eating more chicken these days. But I am a Chicago boy, born and raised, and I like me my steak. I have also been eating more veggies, too. Green beans, tomatoes, asparagus and salads.  And now that I am trying to re-engage I am realizing how badly I had been stress eating lately.

My newly re-found routine also helps me with this coming weekend, too, and vice-versa. I found out yesterday by taking my long-ass drive to Linden, New Jersey (for the Oprah “win your OWN show” audition) that they will not be allowing camping out overnight and that the line starts at 6:00 a.m. Saturday. Yeah, right. I know I need to get there a few hours before that but at least I will not be homeless for a day or two wondering if/how I will get to continue eating healthily while waiting in line. I get to keep my routine going.

It also answers the question of how I will be able to exercise. I was thinking I would borrow one of my gym’s padded mats and actually do sit-ups, crunches and push-ups in front of the other peeps like me in line. At least I would have been illustrating my show idea in a way.

Today is June 2. This day last year was the last full day my mom, JoAnn, spent in the hospital before being transferred to hospice care. I try not to let sad thoughts enter my brain and I try to concentrate instead on a few other things – the beauty of the blue sky, birds singing and the goal I have set for myself, not to stress eat anymore and lose this two pounds by June 9.

The last thing I want to do is turn into my own food version of “The Incredible Hulk” and yell out “food good” instead of “Hulk smash.” It really is easy to just walk into a store and order up anything. The people behind the counter don’t know you from Adam and don’t know you are trying your best to stay on a weight loss journey. They just do their job and punch in the amount for whatever badness you’re going to consume and call it a day.

That’s why I have to remember my own “days without incident” / phone coverage map above my own head. Others may not be able to see it but I sure know it’s there and I do want its number to increase more and more so I know I’ve learned how to control the raging beast that dwells within me (and yes, that was a nod to the old Hulk TV show of the 70s).

Have a great day.

It’s almost the end of May, 2010 (do you say twenty-ten, two-thousand and ten, oh hell, I don’t know) and it was this time last year that my mom, JoAnn, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 24, 2009, was lying in a hospital bed dying from that dreaded bitch disease. We were seeing doctors who were trying to make her comfortable and having the difficult conversations about pain management, transferring to hospice and how much time she might have left. If you ever want to know what a really hard conversation is look your wonderful, beautiful mom in the eye and answer her “we’re in a bad way, aren’t we” question with the honest, brutal and damning truth…”yes.”

During the eighteen or so days it took from her diagnosis to death, and in the days after, before I returned to South Jersey, I gained 20 pounds back of the 175 I lost. It was not only easy it was tremendously easy. When you sit in a hospital room all day you might entertain ideas of eating better, healthier and less but that quickly turns into nervously eating shit. There are moments of boredom, fear, dread, sadness, humor, anxiousness, relief…every emotion under the sun. What does it mean? It means your adrenaline has kicked in as the one helping to provide comfort and care and you eat, at least I did to help calm the storm.

When we transferred Mama to hospice I knew it was the end, and so did she, but at least the room she was in wasn’t some cold, antiseptic and functional place. It was warmer, more inviting and soothing and a much more  fitting place for my sweet Mama’s spirit to spend its final days inhabiting her body on Earth.

In hospice, I kept eating. This time I had the comfort of having pizza from Al’s Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria which was mercifully close to the hospice place. Ironically, what made this pizza awesome was the fact it tasted just like the pizza my mom and I had when I was a boy. I had this pizza twice in the six days we were in hospice. I needed it. I welcomed it, like an old friend come by for a visit after twenty years…and we had some catching up to do. I needed a taste of my childhood during those moments of fear, dread and sadness.

I just wish that taste could have come calorie- and fat-free.

Why am I telling you guys all this on a beautiful Sunday morning? Because the countdown has already begun to the last “first” I have to face since my mom’s passing, the actual one-year anniversary of that day, and slowly but surely I have been stress eating again. I can tell you it has been mostly subconscious, eating a few extra things here and there. But that is no excuse. I still get my sweet cravings at night and I feed them sometimes with good things, sometimes with bad, and my weight is slowly creeping back up because of it. Not to mention the silly, stupid dreams I have because I eat late at night (but that’s a whole separate blog post – and one for which you’d need a strong drink or cup of coffee because my dreams can be really strange sometimes).

In trying to be Zen about losing this remaining last ten pounds, which is now eleven-and-a-half, I have said many things which I need to start saying to myself. I do forgive myself this weight. I will re-lose this weight. And I know WHY I am re-gaining this weight. Those things help me, they do. I just need to listen to them and fight my way through this.

Every day I start the day the exact same way, with the blank page. Every writer starts with one, every person starts with one. Each day is what we make of it. Some continue the events of the day before, some bring about new circumstances. But all of them have a component of choice to them and it’s that choice I need to remember as June 9 gets closer and closer.

I swear to you all I will re-lose this weight. I swear it to myself, too. And that, my friends, is the first line on my blank page for today followed very, very closely by my second line…

…Mama, I love you and miss you and your voice very, very much.

Well, I’ve made it back from New York City and Book Expo America. I didn’t really know what to expect but I know I expected much more than actually happened. I thought there’d be agents, publicists and publishers just swarming in a little area waiting to fly to new authors like bees pollinating flowers. But noooooooooo, and that is OK. Everything is a learning experience, isn’t it? And I will get there one day. And there is one important thing I learned. When I am bored, scared, overwhelmed and feeling alone I want to eat. Here’s what happened…

It was just about 10:30 a.m. or so yesterday and I had already made my way around the gigantic Jacob Javits Convention Center once to get the lay of the land and I was feeling run down, a bit overwhelmed and sort of bored. So I found a quiet spot on the level just above the food court (that was by coincidence, by the way) and kind of put my head in my hands. Then it hit me – I wasn’t thinking anymore about “ok, what’s my next move at this event?” and “how can I try to get in front of these people?” No, my mind was wandering down one level to one or two of the restaurants I could see from my vantage point wondering what yummy goodness they were already serving up.

“Dammit!” I said to myself. “It’s only 10:30 a.m. and I’m hungry?!”

I then got to thinking about it all. I was out of my comfort zone. I was in a huge place feeling quite small and insecure. I didn’t know anybody so I was feeling alone. I was disappointed I didn’t get to do what I had gone there to do. I wanted to give up. That is exactly when the demon comes for me telling me to eat, and it’s a pretty powerful demon. It sits down next to me and tells me that it will be comforting to fill my belly with something so I don’t feel so alone, that eating will give me purpose when I felt I had none. Eating would make it all better.

It was then I raised my head slightly and realized I wasn’t alone at all. My demon had followed me to the Big Apple and it was trying its best to get me to go back to the old ways. I looked around at all the people walking around in their badges – some with notepads, others with cell phones – looking like they all had purpose, and way more purpose than me. It felt pretty crappy. But I knew if I gave in and listened to my demon I would have felt crappier. Just because I didn’t have meetings set up or didn’t know anybody was no reason to just start shoveling food into my mouth. I was better than that. I am better than that, and worth more than that no matter what kind of situation I’m in.

So unbeknownst to the people sitting to my left (a woman who seemed annoyed she had to share her temporary desk/bench space with me – hell she should have seen my wide load at 400 pounds) and my right (another guy, flipping through pages in a notebook, jotting reminders to himself while looking at his iPhone to see his next appointment) I bade good-bye to that demon. I sent him on his way.I was going to have lunch, that was fer sure (like totally) but I was going to do it on my terms, in my own time and in my own way.

What tricks the mind can play on oneself never ceases to amaze me, and I almost gave in to it. But I waited and did what I knew my mom, JoAnn, would have done, and what I have done on many occasions – just struck up conversation with people. Who knew? They could have been agents? Why did I do this? Because it’s o.k. to say “hi. I’m a stranger in a strange land and I don’t know anyone. Can you help me?” When you do that you take the power away from your demons and give it back to yourself. You start finding your own path and your own way through a situation. And it feels better.

I eventually did make my way to the food court but I waited until one o’clock to do so (when I was legitimately hungry). Wow, that was an overwhelming experience, too. Throngs of people all swarming around the too-few tables like angry bees out of the hive. I look around at my food choices. They had Soul Food world, Burger and Fries World, Italian Food World…and all for hefty (WAY TOO HEFTY) prices. I ended up at Hot and Cold World for a turkey and pastrami sandwich on rye (I was in New York and had a taste for deli), a bag of chips and a bottle of Coca-Cola. An ice-cold bottle of Coca-Cola. What can I say? I needed a small taste of comfort to get me through the rest of the day.

I may not be perfect but as a great, great man who belted out one of the City’s great anthems – Francis Albert Sinatra – once sang (and I like closing the blog in song)…

“I did it myyyyyyyyyyy waaaaaaayyyyyyyy.”

Happy Monday, my friends. Today is a happy, bright and sunny, albeit chilly, Monday in southern New Jersey. Welcome to it and a brand new 10,080 minutes in the week.  It’s an exciting day for a few reasons.

First, I am pleased to report I survived the weekend (and a very meloncholy Mother’s Day) without  emotional eating. It was hard, though. Leading up to Mother’s Day I was afraid I would be just stuffing my face when Sunday arrived, and boy I wanted to. You guys know me. I have my Kryptonite foods and they called to me like the Sirens call ships and sailors to their fate. I was having cravings for my beef fried rice, and for some strange reason General Tso’s Chicken. (Where the hell did that come from?) And thank God I weaned away from Coke before this past weekend or it would have been super mega hard to resist the bottles of Coke just taunting and teasing me to come over and taste them if and whenever I entered a Wawa. And while I did have one single Coke this weekend, one ginger ale, and a wonderful, extra crunchy (extra sugar-filled) and delicious cup of coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts, I was good and drank iced tea and water the rest of the time. I had a decent breakfast yesterday and allowed myself a treat of pretzel bites in the afternoon. No Chinese food. No Coca-Cola binge. I was good. I made it. After all I promised myself and my mama, JoAnn, I wouldn’t let her cancer beat us twice and it didn’t. We won that round, Ma, and I love you.

Second, I reached my weight loss goal for the week, 233.5. Woohoo! I am down another pound down, and am setting my sights on losing another by next Monday. I am finding that re-losing these last damn ten pounds (a.k.a. the Battle of the Final Ten) that setting my sights on losing a pound a week helps me keep it in manageable focus, which is what we all need. Good, doable goals that don’t make us feel overwhelmed. Sweet!

Third, my freaking tooth is WORLDS better than it was over the weekend. Damn, Saturday was scary. I am not a wuss by any means (OK, maybe a little one) but I know something’s wrong when I touch the outside of my mouth and it hurts. I had visions of me with a giant white towel tied to my head with an ice pack on my jaw (you know, the image you used to see in old movies illustrating tooth pain). But thanks to a great trip to the dentist and their awesome work I am back to chewing stuff like those afore-mentioned pretzel bites and bacon. Bacon! BACON! BACON! BACON!

Last, today I am launching something special (at least I think it will be) – my online weight loss motivation sessions using Skype (tm). It has always been my mission to help people achieve what I have done, lose weight and successfully keep it off. So no matter whether people just can’t seem to fit in personal care into their schedules or they’re too embarrassed to talk about it in a group or with their families I will try to help using this wacky thing you space-age kids call the computer. So check it out and pass the word on.

There are 10,080 minutes in a week. We spend roughly 3,360 minutes sleeping (based on 8 hours average sleep per night seven nights a week multiplied by 60 minutes in an hour) and approximately 2,400 minutes working (assuming a 40-hour work week). That leaves approximately 4,320 minutes to live and catch up on life – do laundry, run to the store, pick up dry cleaning, work out and exercise and simply try to recharge our batteries before the 10,080 minutes start all over again.

Yes, it is definitely a new week full of new possibilities. And even though I will be busy I will be exercising today and every day this week to help me realize my own goals in all this crazy who-ha we call weight loss. I will re-reach my goal, and you will reach yours.

So c’mon! Time’s a ticking. The week has begun…

Today’s weather is almost the perfect way to describe how I am feeling. It is partly sunny, but the winds are really blustery and it’s chilly (well, chilly for here – about 45-degrees or so). The clouds want to be the pretty, poofy clouds seen at the beginning of “The Simpsons” but there are also smatterings of grey rain clouds thrown in, as well. Yes, an unusual mix of the weather for a different kind of day.

It’s Mother’s Day and the first one I am spending without my mom, JoAnn. I have to say it is making me feel very tender inside, like a wound that has scabbed over on the surface but is still raw and unhealed underneath. I guess it’s always going to feel that way, and that’s OK. It just means I miss my Mama.

Today is also a bit askew because of my mouth and dental issues. It seems that I had what’s known as a food impaction. Because of the way I chew I bit off a piece of my new filling which, in turn, caused food to get down into an area between my teeth. While it was slightly infected and definitely swollen and painful (they spent lots of time just cleaning out the area to get all the ick out), it could have been and gotten much worse (like abscess worse) if I didn’t go when I did.

Needless to say I didn’t feel much like being a carnivore yesterday. Oh sure I wanted to bite down into a nice juicy burger but I was so damned scared I would do something to my mouth again I stuck with liquidy foods – soup and shakes – to get me through (Chick-Fil-A has an awesome, AWESOME, peach shake).

Today I am still going to take care of my mouth by eating softer foods but I might graduate myself to some pasta or something like that. We will see. But the primary goal is not to give in to my emotional eating today. Being that it’s the first Mother’s Day where I don’t get to pick up the phone today to wish Mama a happy Mother’s Day, I am soooo tempted to give in to the foods that we both loved so much – Chinese food (there must be some place that serves a decent beef chop suey around here, although I have yet to find it), plain Hershey candy bars, Coke (or Pepsi, since she was a die-hard Pepsi drinker), oh just anything that would help my insides feel warm and full. I know it wouldn’t take away the pain of my mom being gone but it is tempting to try to fill the void at least for a while with food.

On the other hand I know it’s wrong to think that way. I have been doing so good and am on track to lose the remainder of that next hard-fought-for pound by tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest, and I have to keep that up. I am within my “battle of the final ten” and I will win this. I also know that food is a false friend when used like that. Sure it is there. It’s there at every turn if, when and how you want it. “Have it your way,” after all. Right? But just because I can get anything served to me at any time doesn’t mean I should have it. Food, in this case, is a false friend come to stay only for a short while. One who leaves you with pounds and pounds of baggage when it leaves, and it always leaves.

So I take a deep breath and get ready to start the day. I know that the weather outside is a weird mix but, then again, so am I at times. I feel the loss of my mom but also feel and remember the happy memories we shared along the way and that makes me happy and one of the luckiest people on this earth. I also got the privilege of having our last words to each other be “I love you,” which so, so many people don’t get to have when they lose loved ones. That was truly a blessing and a gift and one I will not squander with the nearest cheeseburger – no matter how good having one sounds.

I sincerely hope you guys out there who still have your moms spend lots of good time with them today. And for those of you out there who are moms you are wonderful people with the most important job in the world. And from a son whose mom did a wonderful job I can honestly say we need kicks in the butt just as much as we need that encouragement. It may not be what we want but it is what we need. Thank you.

And in honor of my mom, who so loved going to the movies (especially sci-fi, fantasy and action movies) and instilled that love of film in me, I will end this blog today with one of the finest movie quotes ever about moms, this one from the movie “The Crow…”

“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”

Yes it is. Yes it is.

I love you mom, very much. And I will do my best with food today and not eat too much. Promise.

It’s Thursday. Just three days to go until Mother’s Day and I am finding myself fighting food urges more and more. The only thing that seems to make me feel better is that I know I am fighting food urges and know why they are there in the first place. My name is Bill and I’m an emotional (and sometimes situational) eater.

Sometimes, food urges are situational. Like when you go to an event, like I did last week, and have tater tots for no better reason other than you have one glass of wine, someone else orders them and they smell really freaking good. Seemed like a good idea at the time, and it didn’t have tooooooo much effect on the bottom waistline (thank God). Or when I went to a meeting the other day where they were serving sandwiches, chips, brownies and my Kryptonite – Coca-Cola. I walked away but not before having just one small piece of sandwich. Just one small one, thank goodness.

But most times for me food urges are emotional. When I’m happy and I know it I clap my hands (and reach for snacks). When I’m nervous about something that’s a double whammy – not only do I binge but I mindlessly do it because whatever I’m nervous about occupies my mind and I don’t think of what, or how much, I’m eating. And recently, I’ve been wanting snacks because I am sad and missing my mama, JoAnn. So I reach for the things I used to have with her as a kid – Hostess Cupcakes and the sweet taste of a plain Hershey chocolate bar. I’ve even had an ice-cold Pepsi from time to time, too, in memory of her.

I know this food won’t bring my mom back, or do me any damn good when I’m trying (almost desperately) to bring my weight down. What I have to fight is that short-term high I get when I have these things. It’s like taking drugs, I guess. Score a “hit,” feel great, come down and want very much to have that again.

I know these feelings of sadness and emptiness will get a bit stronger as we approach Mother’s Day this Sunday, but knowing that does help. It may not help me curb ALL the urges I have and I know I will give into a few here and there. Just know it will be just here and there, not all the time and won’t be every day.

I will also take comfort knowing that the people in my life who still have their moms, or are moms themselves, will be with their loved ones this weekend. Whether it is by voice or in person, or even with just a card received in the mail. And  while some of these moms are healthy, some are not. Some moms may be beginning a fight with arthritis, memory or worst of all, cancer. To those moms and their children you have my heart, know that I am with you in spirit and I sincerely wish that all is made well soon.

And for those special people in my life who no longer have their moms I am with you in spirit, too. I have heard so many times since last June 9 how that void never goes away. The pain just dulls a bit. And I know in my mind and in my heart that there isn’t comfort food enough on this planet to feed that kind of longing or squelch that kind of dull pain. So we will be there for each other, too, toasting them in their ultimate healing away from this earth.

Damn, it really helps to talk about all of these feelings with you guys. Thank you. That, not cupcakes, Chinese food, Cokes, cheesesteaks, hot dogs or ribs, makes me feel better. Very much so.