Determined To Succeed

Day Twenty-nine.

Good morning and happy Labor Day, my friends. It sounds weird to wish you a “happy” Labor Day but I guess I can, right?” I mean what started out as a way for President Grover Cleveland to help reconcile with the labor movement in 1894 has become for all of us a way to grab the breath of fresh air we need and re-inflate the sails of our lives. And much like the rest of America I was just about done when the weekend hit. My brain was trashed. I didn’t even know what to write about. I, too, needed a break. So that’s exactly what I did. I disconnected from this land of the virtual and reconnected with the actual and it felt good. Damn good, especially as I reclaim my soul and become a whole human being again.

There are two parts to re-inflation. First you have to plug the hole that’s letting out air then you set about taking big, deep breaths to help put wind back in your sails. It’s a two-part process and you can’t do one without the other and, for me, part of plugging that hole was to attend my twelve-step meeting on Saturday night. It was a particularly deep meeting, with the six of us (the number varies from week to week) discussing select steps of the twelve-step program in our fellowship. And I have to say, after hearing what’s going on in the lives of others, I know I truly am a lucky man.

One person in particular, I will call her Jane, spoke to the group about losing faith. She still believed in God but she had almost completely lost faith in both herself and in recovery. She laid out what she had done over the past week and described how, time after time, she gave in to her demons and questioned whether or not she could even stop taking her drugs or choice. She told the fellowship how she sat and cried not knowing how to break the cycle of her addictions (and she has multiple) and become a healthy human being again. She sat lost, truly lost, and you could see it in her face. We all could.

I know exactly how Jane feels. Everyone in that meeting knows how Jane feels, when your sails are so completely deflated and you are adrift in the open sea with no course set and no land in sight. You are scared of losing both your mind and soul to something (or somethings) that take you, piece by piece until all you have left is the shell of your body which you, yourself, can’t control. It’s a horrible feeling.

As I sat there listening and nodding my head in agreement to some of the things she was saying (hell, we all nodded) I felt damned lucky. Even with everything that’s happened in my life and even with everything I have done I feel lucky. I feel lucky that I have been given the chance to reclaim my soul. I feel lucky that I am here, present and accounted-for, again. I feel lucky that, unlike several others in the group, I am not currently fighting multiple addictions at the same time. I feel lucky that I am alive and can have the opportunity to be the good-for-something human being I always wanted to be.

There comes a moment that for me sums up why twelve-step meetings enlist faith. You must enlist faith because when the meetings are over you say good-bye to the others and walk out that door simultaneously hoping both they and you make it to the next meeting. Now only you can know what’s in your heart and mind which for me that means NEVER being the old me again and always striving to be healthy, but you wonder about the others, particularly those in deep, deep crisis. You want them to make it, or at least make it to the next meeting. You hope something plugs the holes in their lives so they can at least have the chance to gain back some wind and some momentum. But you don’t know. You never know, so you pray for them and pray they will be OK.

Those meetings are what I need so much to keep the holes in my life, mind, body and soul plugged so I can continue to have the wind at my back. Reconnecting with and enjoying life is what we all need, especially when facing and trying to climb what seems like a mountain our our own baggage. But it can be done. It will be done, at least it will by me.

Did I have way too much to eat this weekend, particularly yesterday at a BBQ? Yes (and yes, my weight went back up as a result), but it felt wonderful. Food has ten-times more taste, and I enjoyed it. And how did I enjoy it? Because I wasn’t being bandied about by the rocky waters of doubt and shame anymore. I was being carried toward a destination by the winds put back in my sails, winds that will carry me throughout the rest of my life.

You and I may have our weight loss issues in common, but always remember that you (and I) have more in common with others than you think. And you should thank your lucky stars if, on most days, you have wind in your sails to guide you through situations in your life. Food, weight loss, work, friends, relationships, etc., because someone somewhere might not. So treat that precious wind, that amazing breath of fresh air, as the gift that it is. For it is the gift of healing, of strength and, most of all, life.

Day twenty-five.

I am sitting here honestly not knowing what to write today. The past few days have been such a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts and events that I just don’t have the quiet necessary to write something cohesive. Please forgive me for that. I know there are people out there who read me everyday (and thank you so much for that), but sometimes it’s hard to get the brain firing on all cylinders. I will do my best, though, and write several mini blog posts in this bigger blog post.

A mini-blog about weight:

I am down to 234.4 today, so down another half-pound or so and back into the battle of the final ten. This is after a period where I binged a bit too much and gained back about eight pounds or so. Addictions do that to you, ya know. They take your strength, time, money, sanity and even your soul. And for what? Distractions that are fleeting at best? Then you literally feed them with comfort foods that leave you with nothing but pounds.  Well, thanks to amazing support and some good therapy I am getting a handle on both and am controlling my eating again. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! By year’s end, maybe sooner, I will see that 225 on my scale again. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about time:

Labor Day Weekend is upon us and I’m sitting here lamenting how much time I’ve pissed away in my life. We always say things like “I can’t believe it’s already ________,” and insert your choice of holiday, day or date here, but this time I cannot blame work or a hectic life on my loss of time. I am the only one responsible for wasting so much time in my life to my addictions, and now the year is three-quarters over and I have little to show for it. I wanted to be rich and well-into writing a book by now. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wanted to be planning weight loss speaking engagements. Strike two. I should have been doing so much more than I have actually done but gave in to the addict in me. Sigh. Well, I am going to be making the utmost of the remaining three months of this year. I have a lot of time to make up for and I will be. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about food:

This morning was a true test of my Bill Power. I had such a taste for a breakfast burrito from McDonald’s. I don’t know why that is but I did. Maybe I just needed protein to replenish myself, or maybe the thought of something hot and eggy/cheesy sounded good. But I held back and decided instead to just get my reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Man, since that binge of not-so-long ago I have really tried to ask myself “do I really need/want ______,” and fill in the blank with your comfort food of choice, with the answer almost always being “no, I don’t.” So I’ve passed up cravings for strawberry ice-cream, McDonald’s and even that delicious peach shake from Chick-Fil-A in favor of healthier drinks and meals. And lo and behold it’s working again. Gee, go figure…

A final mini-blog about the Labor Day holiday weekend:

Usually I take Saturdays and Sundays off to give my wee brain a rest from writing (and to give you a rest from my rantings about, well, stuff). But this weekend I am going to be taking advantage of the holiday and taking tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday off. It will be good to get out and take in some of the summer air (even though a hurricane is supposed to be hitting the Jersey coast sometime tomorrow), and things I have all but ignored over the summer so far. What will I do? I have no idea but that is a beautiful thing. All I know is I will be appreciating life, communing with my mom’s spirit a bit and being present. These days that’s all that matters.

And there you have it, a scatter-brained, roller coaster blog to start the holiday weekend off right (I guess). In going to therapy and going to twelve-step meetings I have done my absolute best to adhere to the steps themselves. They say in meetings to work the steps because they work if you work them, and I am doing that. I am trying so that a healing time can happen. I know I have done wrong in my life but it is time to heal and continue making myself a better man. That means taking care of myself, setting boundaries, keeping tabs on my weight, not wasting anymore time, thinking about comfort foods and being present to enjoy long, lazy weekends. I hope you guys can all do the same. Life is truly a precious gift and is way too short to waste it on the negative. Be well, my friends, and avoid eating too much comfort food like hot dogs and burgers (especially if you do get down). You’ll feel better soon. You’ll see. We will all get there soon.

Hey there and happy Monday. Did you all enjoy your holiday weekend? I hope you guys got a chance to re-juice the batteries a bit, at least. I know I did.

One thing that amazes me about the Fourth of July is how much holidays turn into food expos. Think about it (and we are putting Thanksgiving, Passover and Christmas aside for this), we make all our holidays – and “holidays” – about food in one way or another. It’s Memorial Day/Labor Day/Fourth of July? Let’s BBQ! It’s St. Patrick’s Day? Let’s eat corned beef and cabbage! It’s Cinco de Mayo? Let’s fiesta! Mother’s Day/Father’s Day? Let’s take ‘em out to brunch! It seems like eating’s all we do, especially in this country.

The grillin’ and eatin’ I did over this long 4th weekend wasn’t about “filler,” the meals you and I can have at cookouts (like a hot dog or hamburger, potato and macaroni salad) that fit in-between your “real” meals of lunch and dinner. No, it was about three things – eating things that were healthier (steak and chicken grilled not fried). It was about trying to be frugal (saving money by buying food to make instead of going to a restaurant to eat out). Finally, it was about staving off the urges to eat badly when going to do things over the holiday weekend (like attend fireworks and go to the movies).

Boy they know how to get ya’ going to the movies, don’t they? As soon as you open that big glass and steel door the smell of hot buttered popcorn hits you and it’s all over. You are almost helpless against it’s alluring aroma. As you then make your way over to the concession stand like a zombie you then see all the candy, Coke and other food treats that await your hard-earned money. But I always do my best these days to go to the movies on a full stomach so I can thwart their evil plan and just go be (hopefully) entertained for a few hours.

AMC Theaters even offered kick-ass coupons if you went to the movies yesterday (because typically it is one, if not THE, lowest attendance day in the movie biz all summer). You could get a popcorn and soda, any size, for a buck each. Awesome idea, awesome deal. But I did my best and ate a good breakfast before hitting the cinema (I like trying to sound British every now and then).

For the most part I did O.K., and I even had a sandwich from Wawa for dinner with milk (and alright, alright, a small bag of chips) just before fireworks. That helped me resist things like hot dogs, hamburgers, funnel cakes, sodas (pops).  And speaking of hot dogs, going to the movies made me miss the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest (thank God).

Have any of you ever seen that, um, spectacle? People from literally all over the world (including one who just wanted to “crash” the event and compete without following the rules set forth by – get this – Major League Eating) compete to see who can down the most hot dogs (and buns) they can eat in ten minutes.  The winner, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, took the “mustard belt” for the fourth year in a row, gulping down a whopping 54 dogs! 54! That’s approximately 16,038 calories!

In my crazy life I once served as judge to a hot dog eating contest and it is the grossest thing you ever want to see. These guys dip the whole hot dog and bun in water to shove it down their gullets and it’s nasty. The thought of wet bread makes me gag and if you ever want an appetite suppressant watch this thing once. Ick! It truly will kill whatever appetite you might have for hot dogs for quite a while (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth just thinking about it).

And while I know most of us – O.K. safe to say 99.9% of us – won’t shovel in hot dogs at a rate of one every 11 seconds (the rate the winner of the Nathan’s contest winner) I hope you did try to eat better this 4th of July. It is totally possible to still enjoy the sights, smells and tastes of the Fourth without eating too much bad stuff in the process. And that is truly a great way to celebrate freedom…

…freedom from the extra calories and unwanted pounds, that is.

P.S. – One food fest I miss, though (and is “worth the splurge”) is Taste of Chicago. Held the last week of June – July 4th(ish) it is a downtown Chicago street food festival like no other. Over 70 local Chicago-area restaurants set up shop and you can sample everything from alligator (yep, and I’ve tried that once in my life. ONCE!) to veggie platters. It is amazing! I do miss it, even though you sooooooo need to workout before and after because you will consume a lot of calories. I try to do it every few years, especially now that I’ve dropped weight. That’s all my poor body could handle. And they do have small “Taste” portions you can try so you don’t get a full order of something, which is good.