Determined To Succeed

Day eighty-eight.

So I survived another day of not eating too badly. After my breakfast yesterday of french toast (only two pieces) and some turkey sausage (only two patties) I had a bagel with butter for lunch (as I didn’t want to eat too heavily before going to martial arts training – but more on that later) and for dinner had this rocking cinnamon chipotle pork chop with apple salsa dish for dinner complete with a side of sweet potatoes. I even resisted the urge to have seconds and saved the rest for din din tonight. I am also down another three ounces today and I will take each and every one of them, so at 240.2 I am as happy as an achy clam.

Why am I achy? It’s my own damn fault, really. I hadn’t been working out and stretching like I should and Sensei Doug really gave me a great workout yesterday. I am not being funny, either. He gave me an awesome workout that left me feeling…well, let’s just say achy breaky. Achy because I hadn’t stretched out my hip joints in days and I did a lot of kicking. Breaky because I felt like I was going to break down before even getting to my car afterward.

We started with the usual – shadowboxing and some light bag work but then went right into kicking. Kicking helps open up the hips and gives you better range of motion. It also had the effect of making you feel like your leg is like a fried chicken wing you have to break apart to eat. It was soooooo stiff. It took a while for it to open up a bit. But by then we were on to the floor exercises which take a serious toll on your arm strength. How can someone feel like a piece of broken friend chicken and spaghetti at the same time? I don’t know but I achieved it. Ugh! Man, was I in serious need of a sauna.

After the workout I came home and took a long hot shower and sat for a bit. I knew that today I’d have to stretch again but it was OK. I needed that kind of workout – the achy breaky. I always need that kind of workout and it is what I signed up for. Why shouldn’t I feel tired (exhausted), hurting and sweaty? That is what I want and that is what I get, which is why my sensei is awesome. truly. Think of it this way. When I went to college, a school I had to pay for, I went to classes because I PAID FOR THEM. Why should I ditch classes I paid for. That wasn’t smart money if I didn’t go (and thanks to my own stupid actions and the encouragement of an old girlfriend I did ditch and it took me three years to make that grade up in my GPA). In college you pay for the privilege of school and in working out I pay for the privilege of getting masterful instruction with my sweat.

That is a small price to pay, especially since I so desperately want to get into that Calvin Klein suit by my birthday.

Amazingly enough, though, I am not feeling achy breaky today. My body is good and is gearing up for a similar workout today. Yep, I’m gonna work myself out today and make myself sweat. I need it. I want it. I will have it. So on this chilly and rainy day here in southern New Jersey it will feel like the tropics to me. My weight is slowly coming back down and I am feeling better day by day. I already had my raisin toast today and will clear a space soon for myself.

I may not be the 400 pounds I once was, but still, a six-foot-one, 240 pound guy isn’t small and needs a lot of space in which to workout and continue losing weight. To be continued…

 Have a great day, everyone, and don’t forget to workout and eat well.

Day seventy-three.

There are times that I can’t help thinking about the movies. Ever since I was a kid, and thanks to my awesome mother, JoAnn Larson, I have always loved the movies and the magic they create. They happen to hold a treasure trove of answers to life’s great mysteries and challenges and offer advice and examples of situations that can be applied to, well, almost everyone. A prime example of this was at last night’s twelve-step meeting which felt less like a collection of broken people and more like the original Fellowship from “Lord of the Rings.”

In “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, et. al. are brought together and told of a great mission they must undertake – to return the powerful but evil ring of power to the fires of the volcanic Mount Doom to be destroyed forever. If you even somewhat familiar with the story, spread out over three books (and three incredible movies) you know Frodo is the keeper of the ring and, as such, falls victim at points to its incredible power. However, thanks to the strength and determination of his friends and the Fellowship he is able to complete his mission and save Middle Earth from darkness.

In the meeting last night, as we all gathered around the tables set up in a square formation so we could all see each other (like a certain Round Table with which we are familiar) we told our individual tales of the week, or even the day or hour, that brought us to the meeting point last night. There was a resounding sense of taking a breath from each one of us and many of us, myself included, thanked the other members of the group for being there to offer support, encouragement, friendship and, of course, fellowship to us along our journeys. It was then that my mind knew that while there was no “one ring” to return to the molten lava of a volcano we all needed each other from time to time, as Frodo needed Sam and the rest of the Fellowship, to keep going.

After the meeting I sat for a minute in my car and thought about how safe and relaxing the meeting was. It was nowhere near as uncomfortable as Sunday’s meeting, but no matter how weird, uncomfortable or whatever the meetings get they are always a safe place for people to land when they feel as though they can’t get to where they need to go in life and have nowhere else to go to take some of the burden of life away – if even for just an hour. That is the beauty of them and why they are absolutely necessary.

In this thing I call a weight loss journey I have always tried to offer support, guidance, humor and, most of all, a human story to the realities of weight loss to everyone looking to lose weight. I do this because I know the one thing that all people crave is company. We all want understanding, caring, an ear. Most of all, we want (and need) fellowship so we know we are not alone in any of this fight through which we are going. Losing weight is hard enough but to do it without the encouragement of others, be them family, friends, co-workers or others in a group, would be damn near impossible. At least it would be for me.

One of the things I have always said is that none of us is alone in this quest to lose extra pounds and I reaffirm that today. Each and every one of us deserve another chance in life to do the good things we are meant to do, most of all to and for ourselves and I support you, my friends. Weight loss is a bitch but I understand your pain. I share it. I see it when I step on the scale. I feel it in the gym when I sweat. But no matter how hard it gets our fellowship – or our Fellowship – stays strong and committed.  And if you need just a word or two of strength all you need to do is read these Determined To Succeed weight loss blogs. They are not only my story but our story. It may not be as nicely written as “Lord of the Rings” but it is something in which we all can share strength, wisdom, advice and healing.

The weight will come off and demons will go away. That is why all good stories end with six of the best words ever written…

…and they lived happily ever after.

Day sixty-eight.

So did you guys do it? Did you go to MSN.COM and answer the questions and use the “life expectancy calculator?” I hope you did because it sure as hell was an eye-opener for me. Just finding out I added almost 20 years to my life by losing weight was incredible. However, I also found out that I now have time added on to do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of my size. But more on that later…

It’s Friday and happy weekend. I am sitting here continuing my downward trend in weight loss and am at 237 even today. Woohoo. And that’s before my awesome mixed martial arts workout later this afternoon. But it is the weekend and you guys know I worry about over doing it with too much food and not enough exercise. I wish we could always stay the weight we want to achieve but, without hard work, we cannot. Sigh.

In less than two months I will hit the big 40! I so want to re-achieve my weight loss goal by then (and hopefully not add anymore weight in celebrating). There are also so many other things I want to do in life – like skydive – that I never would have been able to do had I not lost this weight. So I am compiling a list in my head of certain things I want to do which I will tell you guys about closer to my birthday. In the meantime, we have to tackle the here and now and that means the upcoming weekend.

I feel like an episode of “The Event” today, jumping all over the place in this blog which is weird and I’m sorry. I just feel a bit scattered today. I have lots of stuff to try to get done and they’re all on my mind. One of the things on my mind, though, was the movie I saw last night. I went to go see “Easy A,” which was both funny and cute (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson steal the movie as Emma Stone’s parents, but that’s not why it’s on my mind). Seeing the movie’s on my mind because the theater itself had double-wide seats in its auditoriums. Now, I’m sure that the seats, which resembled a slightly smaller love seat or a swing bench in size, were not necessarily meant for people of size. It’s probably meant for couples who just want to get cozy watching a flick. But I couldn’t help but wonder if larger people use those seats because they are more comfortable. I know I would have back when I was 400.

Yep, back then, when I needed seatbelt extenders, chairs with no arms in restaurants, etc., I would have jumped at the chance to sit in one of those prime seats just to have the “wiggle room.” It would have made me comfortable and probably would have helped my arthritic knee be able to stretch by not being locked into the “L” position all crammed in watching something.

The downside to all that, though, would have been the corrosive comments made by other theater patrons seeing my 400-pound butt go for the “date seat.” So I asked myself last night “would it have been worth it?” The answer is yes and no. No, for obvious reasons like I never like being made fun of. Yes, because I would have been way more comfortable especially in a world where smaller seats (revenue generators that they are) seem to be the norm. Ironic these seats were in the auditorium showing a movie about a person who has to suffer the slings and arrows of society based on prejudices (O.K., that is a loose interpretation but work with me here).

When I left the movies last night I tried to leave the image of the date seat in the theater but I couldn’t. It’s hard to shake the past and even harder to NOT imagine myself as that 400 pound guy sometimes. So I said a slight, silent prayer for anyone who has to use those seats in the future. I hoped they would enjoy the movie in comfort and in peace free of the comments of close-minded assholes who always have to make comments about something or someone. I also thanked God I don’t have to now. Not because of the comments but because of what I mentioned at the beginning of today’s weekend blog. I now have so many more years added onto my life and the opportunities to do so many more things. That’s all.

I will always remember from where I came, especially on day sixty-eight of my sobriety. So many people use food amongst other things to numb pain and shame and I don’t ever want to do that again, especially because it could take years off my life and lead me right to that special seat at the theater. So as my birthday approaches I feel a sense of re-birth. I want 40 to be the best year of my life (so far) so I can do whatever I want to do…and sit wherever I want to sit no matter where I go…gray hairs and all.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Talk to you on Monday.

Day sixty-seven.

I am thinking about mortality today. No, not because of anything actually going on in my life but because of a link I was sent, a link to a “life expectancy calculator.” While I have never been the type of guy who wants to know too much (particularly the whens and hows of life ending) but I took this little quiz just for kicks and goggles but came away with something fascinating, both scary and wonderful at the same time. Check this out…

When you go to this “life expectancy calculator” on MSN.com’s website it asks you for several rounds of key information, everything from height and weight to history of diseases in family and your current habits. You guys know the drill. So I took a few moments to enter this information. When I got to the weight part I was very proud to enter a number that began with a 2 (for the record, I may be back down to 238 officially but I entered 240 just to be safe). Also, I had to guess on cholesterol levels but at least had my latest blood pressure readings from recent doctors visits (a healthy 120 over 80). Anyhow, I plugged in this info, all seven pages of it, and out came my result. According to this calculator I am gonna live until I am about 80, which is good (I think). That puts me at about half-life, if this calculator is to be believed and makes me very much like our own sun which, at about five-billion years old, is at half-life itself.

PS: I like being sunny.

Now for the scary yet exciting part. Again, for kicks and giggles, I entered information about my “former” self. The guy who started this weight loss journey back in 2005 at 400 pounds, had high blood pressure and was well on his way to – let’s just say an unhealthy life with poor quality of life. Shit! I couldn’t believe my eyes. When I entered in all my stats (again, taking my best guesses about blood pressure and cholesterol stats) my life expectancy was only 61 years! 61!!!!!

It seems, according to this calculator, I extended my life almost 20 years by losing all that weight. Woohoo!!!

Then I became sad. What if I had stayed 400 pounds? There is certainly no guarantee that I would have lived to even 61 at that weight and health level and you can’t convince me that I wasn’t well on my way to not being on this earth for very long past 40 eating and living the way I was.

Then I became excited. I thought, “I did put years, and good ones, back on my life by losing weight!” I thought about having almost 20 more years to do the things I’ve always wanted to do in life and became instantly grateful to God for the chances to do them in a healthier, leaner body – some of which I couldn’t physcially do because people wouldn’t let me.

I know that things like this “life expectancy calculator” are very subjective, non-scientific ways to tell you a story they do serve one purpose – they can help show you that losing weight, eating right, having good habits (like not smoking) and exercising DO ABSOLUTELY play a part in your longevity. And if you are anything like me you want as much time on this planet as possible to do those wonderful amazing things before we really and truly have to think about mortality.

So go ahead, ANSWER THE QUESTIONS AND USE THE CALCULATOR. What could it hurt? You have nothing to lose but almost everything to learn and gain…

Day forty-five.

My friends,  since I don’t know what time of day you usually catch all the blog that’s fit to type (thank you, New York Times) I will wish you good day. I feel so energized today for two reasons: one, I had a wowzer of a twelve-step meeting last night and I am down in my weight thanks to some mighty powerful positive energy and a kick-ass workout yesterday at the gym.

Let’s start with the gym…

I know I’ve said this before but I am sticking to my guns now – I am making working out my religion again. No, there is nothing that replaces God, but working out makes me feel, well, “high.” It gives me both a physical and mental boost and I got the chance yesterday to work out – both physically and mentally – a lot of the demons that had come to visit these past couple of days.  It felt good to employ much of what my sensei Doug Shaffer is teaching me about mixed martial arts as part of my workout. I did leg work and arm work. Hell, I even did roundhouse kicks and had a great day with my ever-aging hip. I did my tricep dips, push-ups and shadowboxing (which works up a sweat by itself). Also , I am eating better, too. That is the vital co-component to any weight loss, don’t forget. I am working out AND also not eating the comfort foods, and I am drinking more water. Because of that I am enjoying my new downward trend, thank you very much. Even with just a few days of recommitment I saw a 239.2 on my scale today, and I so can’t wait to hit the gym again today. Woohoo!!!!

As for my twelve-step meeting last night I have to say it was a whopper. You’ve heard me talk about my meetings before but last night I attended such a powerful meeting I just have to share. I will never betray the tenets of the meetings (meaning I will never discuss details, names, etc.) but suffice it to say I am a true believer in those meetings. They offer places in which individuals from all walks of life can  let it all out and allows people to  express themselves – whether through anger, sadness, contemplation or happiness – in the safest, most non-judgmental environments. We are all there for various reasons connected through addiction, but I pray for some of those people sometimes. I really do, especially in a world that would shun, ridicule, belittle or make fun of us for even being there. At least for that hour we are safe from all that BS, and our shame, anger, worry, resentment and misery all have company.

When I left that meeting I looked up at the sky and thanked God for the positive things and people in my life, because many people in that room do not have that going for them, and many also have other addictions they are fighting, not the least of which is food – something to which I can totally relate. That’s why I was so jazzed to hit the gym. Working out centers me. It lets me know I am putting sweat-equity into myself and doing work on myself both spiritually and physically. It helps me make “living amends” to myself and others and keeps me on the path to be that better man.

Have a wonderful, positive day, my friends. Go and conquer the world, or at least your parts of it. You are so worthy of success in whatever form, but especially in weight loss. If losing weight is your goal, go for it. I am proud of you and with you 100%. And I know this blog is rambly today and I apologize. I am still in utter appreciation, wonder and, admittedly, shock over some of the things I heard last night. And even when I might not feel O.K.  I will be O.K. We all will be because of one simple thing…we are here now, and present in our own lives and that makes all the difference in the world. And  I am going to do my best to stay here and be here for as long as I am here.

Hear, hear!

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Day thirty-seven.

Last night I had the pleasure of attending the presentation of the 2010 Liberty Medal at Philadelphia’s National Constitution Center. The medal was presented by former president Bill Clinton to Britain’s former prime minister, Tony Blair,  honoring his success resolving the conflict in Northern Ireland and his ongoing pursuit of peace in the Middle East and Africa. But even as I listened to the incredibly worth-while reasons to give such a distinguished honor to a bloke I liked when he was in office in the U.K., I was thinking about two other things – my recent weight gain and, of course, the motivation to take it off.

I know you must be saying, “what is this yahoo talking about weight loss for when he’s attending a ceremony honoring a world leader?” Well, my friends I will tell you. It had to do with one of the seven lessons of liberty learned by former prime minister Blair in his efforts to bring change to the world. In fact, it was the first one that struck me the most – “Every milestone on the road to liberty marks a struggle. . . . opposition, even defeat, and occasionally desperation along the way.”

That hit me like a ton of bricks because I could instantly equate it to weight loss. I even played with the words a bit just to see if it would fit and it did.

“Every milestone on the road to weight loss marks a struggle. . . . opposition, even defeat, and occasionally desperation along the way.”

I thought about the milestones on my own weight loss journey, including the struggles to just take the first ten pounds off. I thought about the current weight I need to re-lose. I also thought about all the pain and emotion in-between and it fit, incredibly and absolutely. However it also proves that not only is weight loss possible but that it is also not a clear, smooth road and that it can and will be difficult at times and those difficult times are to be expected.

Losing weight is a struggle, one that requires you to take care of the one person who needs you the most – you. But there will be times when you don’t feel like going on, and when you feel like giving up because it just ain’t worth it. Believe me, I’ve been there. But in what Mr. Blair said is the truth of it – there is hard work in achieving any goal worth achieving and it wouldn’t be noteworthy once you reach that goal unless you had to absolutely climb some mountain, miss some pothole or get over some bump to get there. That is what makes milestones milestones. Because of what you had to get through to get there, they are a marker of success. They are a marker of your success.

The other point Mr. Blair made about peace, the seventh, that could also be applied to weight loss was this: “Liberty needs optimism. . . . No one has ever achieved anything by being a cynic or a pessimist.” He added that peace ultimately came to Northern Ireland primarily “because the people felt it could happen. That optimism of the human spirit is what drives liberty.” So let’s switch out a word or two…

“Weight loss needs optimism. . . . No one has ever achieved true and sustained weight loss by being a cynic or a pessimist.” Losing weight ultimately happened to those committed to it primarily “because the people felt it could happen. That optimism of the human spirit is what drives us to our weight loss goals.”

See? Even at a very cool ceremony honoring peace we can also find a way to honor our struggles in our own battles of the bulge.

I guess I took this to heart so much because I am now back on my way down in my own weight loss. I am down a pound today and am feeling every ounce of it gone from my body (thank God). It’s a good feeling knowing I have not only recommitted to my life and my soul but also to my weight loss and am not using food to numb pain or shame. I love food but I should use it for more than just yummy fuel. It is not a drug and it is not to be used to numb away pain.

I may talk about more of Mr. Blair’s lessons tomorrow as several more could also be applied to our struggles as the large trying to become smaller and lighter. But for today this is a great start. Or should I say re-start. So thank you, Mr. Blair, wherever you are. Your words prove that there is commonality in this world if we just get past our own petty bullshit to find it. THAT, my friends, is what will eventually save this planet. And it’s that commonality that makes our fellowship in weight loss stronger and helps us to know none of us are alone.

Sometimes we all need a kick in the ass to remind us of the wonderful gifts we have been given in life. Sure, that kick could come when seeing someone who doesn’t have means standing on the street begging for money as we enter a Starbucks Coffee to order a $5 cup of coffee. However today, that kick means something different and something so fundamental that even that coffee buyer and the beggar have in common…the ability to walk.

Yesterday, I was doing research in the local Barnes & Noble Bookstore, looking up words and phrases and clauses (sorry, I couldn’t resist the “Conjunction Junction” Schoolhouse Rock reference). I was looking up editor  information in magazines and had completed my task. “A cup of coffee sounds good right about now,” I thought to myself and I packed up what little I had brought in with me and headed toward the door.

When I got to the door I was reminded of life’s gifts. It was instant, resonant and humbling and didn’t come in the form of words but in the form of another human being.

At the door there was a woman, maybe in her 30s, holding the door for another. This other woman was walking slowly because she could not walk at all without the help of the two canes she carried, one in each hand. And not just normal canes. These had the four-pronged bottoms that help steady a person as they walk and she had two of them because her legs, swollen and big as they were, looked weak.

I held open the other door and both ladies said “you don’t have to” in the sweetest voices imaginable, and I said “don’t you worry about it at all” as the second lady slowly made her way to the threshold. There, I noticed the rest of her body was suffering the same malady. She looked up at me and in the kindest, sweetest voice possible she said “thank you so much” and my heart melted. I asked how their day was going and they said “fine” with smiles. As the second lady was through I offered “now, you stay cool and out of all this heat we’ve been having.” The first lady said “oh we will. She even gets cold in here.” I said, “good. Better than outside in all that heat.” I told both ladies to have a great rest of their day and they offered the same, the second lady looking up at me smiling with the biggest eyes you can imagine on a person.

As I left the store I realized two things: one, that most of the second lady’s strength was not in her limbs but in her heart. Two, that all of us who can walk – not run, jump, skip, dance, or kick – have a gift. It was obvious that this woman had some type of degenerative condition from which she will not recover. Why is it then we sit on our asses, us healthy people, and bitch about how little energy we have especially when it comes time to work out?

Yesterday served as a reminder to me that if you are of able body, no matter what your size, it behooves you to get up and make every day count physically. Those of us who are larger have obligations to ourselves NOT to just sit there but to get up to try to prolong our lives. Losing weight and eating better and exercising are the keys to doing that, keys which most of us have right there in front of us. Hell, I did it and I was 400 pounds. I started by walking, the one thing I knew I could do. The one and only thing this second woman could do.

You have heard me say from time to time that larger people have a responsibility to themselves to get up, and that is true. We have that responsibility because no one is, or should, do it for us. There is no magic pill for weight loss therefore it will come from our own hard work and effort. But shame on us if we squander the days we have, bigger or not, if he delay that process simply because we don’t “feel” like going for a walk. That’s bullshit. I’m sure that second woman would love to go for a simple walk unencumbered by her two walking canes.

So get up and do an exercise today, any exercise. Tummy crunch, push-up, sit-up, arm curl or simply go for a walk. Do it because you CAN go for a walk. Do it because your legs DO work, no matter what size they are. And do it knowing you have a gift – the gift of ability – that others do not have.  It doesn’t matter what size you are, either. When you awoke today you got up knowing you could do these things. So get up and do them, especially if you want to lose weight.

After all, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step so don’t squander them. For many of us that single step, as simple as it is, is not as easy for others and could very well be the hardest thing they could possibly do.

I know it is nowhere near Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, but I woke up on this Monday morning thinking about his beautiful August 28, 1963 “I Have A Dream” speech. And while weight loss is nowhere near the fight for civil rights, equality and justice, the speech and its words can ring true for many things including our weight loss journey.

When I started out losing weight it was never my goal to drop 175 lbs. It was only to drop ten or so pounds so my knee would stop hurting when I went to go see a freaking movie, my favorite hobby in the world. That was it. I never dared to dream I’d be able to lose the weight of a grown person, nor did I dream of being able to do some of the things I am enjoying now (everything from martial arts classes to shopping off-the-rack in “normal” stores).  Then when more and more weight came off I began to wonder “how far can this go? I don’t want surgery so I will try my best and see.”

I knew it would take hard work, passion and time but that’s when I began to dream.

When I lost that weight finally I realized I had reached “the promised land.” I dared to dream and I got to that dream and it was beautiful. Now I may have put on twenty pounds and am this/close to being back to just having to re-lose ten, which is awesome, but I am holding on here and will for the rest of my life. Although something has come up and I now have a new dream to achieve…

…my Calvin Klein suit pants.

As much as I love movies I love clothes shopping. I know, I know. A guy who loves shopping? Yes, and I am not ashamed of it, dammit. Last year I took a trip to a local outlet mall and visited the Calvin Klein store (when I dream I dream BIG, figuratively speaking). This store was having an INCREDIBLE sale (and since dropping all this weight I NEVER buy retail anymore) so I browsed and found something I thought I’d never find – a beautiful designer suit IN MY SIZE! Well, almost my size.

Calvin likes his clothes to have an athletic fit and this ain’t no athletic body, but I was absolutely lucky to find both the pants and suit jacket to match in my size and for so cheap a price (I think I paid $70 for a $525 suit). So I snatched it up and took it home. But when I tried on the pants they were a smidge too tight. I then hung the suit in my closet and dreamed again that one day I would reach that promised land, too.

With my martial arts classes I am doing much better in my workouts and my eating overall. But the pants I bought are still a bit too tight (no on should be able to see what month I was born because pants are too tight). But I will not fear, for I will get there. This is the most beautiful suit I have owned to date and I will not (NOT!) let it sit in my closet with its tags still on never worn in public.

I will get there. I do have a dream.

It may be cliche to have a pair of pants I want to fit into but it is part of a physical goal. I also know once I get to that goal I can’t stop or the pants will go back to being a smidge too tight. I certainly don’t want that and I want to wear that freaking suit! And I will.

If you have an item of clothing in which you want to fit, dare to dream. We are all on a journey to reach these goals. The actual number, size or item may be different for each and every person but our goal is the same. To lose weight. And we will get there and be free at last from these extra, stubborn pounds. So do not ever give up on your weight loss dreams…

…so you can one day share with me your dreams and feelings having reached the promised land.

Happy Monday, everyone. Did you all have a good weekend? I have to say my weekend was good, and yes, I resisted food temptations and did exercise (even though the temps have consistently been in the 90s and continue to be so). I even resisted the awesomely wonderful smell of movie popcorn and had a Coke Zero (COKE ZERO – BAH!). I wanted a regular Coca-Cola so bad but I resisted, trying so hard to be good. It seems the food binge of a week ago cured me, at least temporarily, of eating like that again.

I woke up kind of late this morning (something that’s getting to be an annoying habit) and realized I have a speaking engagement to do this evening. I always feel pretty natural in front of crowds or on TV but I always feel the excitement, anxiousness and anticipation of speaking in front of a group, especially when weight loss is the subject.

Losing weight is truly one of the most personal things I have ever done and sometimes it hurts to remember and talk about things associated with my weight gain because a lot of it has to do with my mom and how we lived. I think back to when I was a fat kid and how all we had in the house was crap to eat. The guilt comes when I think about stuff like that because my mom, JoAnn, always did her absolute best to keep a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. For that I will always love you, Mama, and thank you. It wasn’t the best food but it was food, however it is part of what made me a fat kid.

It is especially alarming when you see how my personal story matches up with data just released in June in the report “F as in Fat: How Obesity Threatens America’s Future 2010.” Adult obesity rates increased in 28 states in the past year, and declined only in the District of Columbia (D.C.), according to the report from the Trust for America’s Health (TFAH) and the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation (RWJF). More than two-thirds of states (38) have adult obesity rates above 25 percent. In 1991, no state had an obesity rate above 20 percent.

That’s a helluva way to wake up on a Monday morning.

The report also highlights troubling racial, ethnic, regional and income disparities in the nation’s obesity epidemic. For instance, adult obesity rates for Blacks and Latinos were higher than for Whites in at least 40 states and the District of Columbia; 10 out of the 11 states with the highest rates of obesity were in the South — with Mississippi weighing in with highest rates for all adults (33.8 percent) for the sixth year in a row; and 35.3 percent of adults earning less than $15,000 per year were obese compared with 24.5 percent of adults earning $50,000 or more per year.

To put this into personal terms, and from what I remember from my mom’s paycheck, she earned an estimated $19,200 a year. Wow. That’s the first time I did that math in my head and figured out how up-against-it we were in terms of income, bills and health. Of course being lower income we were heavier. All the foods we could afford were bad-for-you foods but foods we could get to carry us from one week to the next.

It was what we had, but it helped make me fat. That is part of the vicious circle. That is part of my guilt in talking about it. But I have never hidden from it and have always been honest with you about things like that. How can I when nearly one-third of children and teens are obese or overweight. I am trying my best to help in any way I can and say we have to do better.

I am lucky, I know that. I am lucky because I bottomed out and realized I had to do something. I am lucky because I had support doing it. I am lucky because I now know my triggers and can stop myself if needs be. Not everyone has that. Some people have others, even loved ones or family members, trying to sabotage them. And some people unfortunately just don’t have safe places to play or workout and can’t afford healthier food.

Tonight when I speak to this group I’m going to do what I always do…tell my story and hope it helps inspire people to lose weight or others in their lives to lose weight. I wish, though, I could send money via Western Union to me and my mom way back then. Like instead of sending it anywhere in the world I would send it anywhen so I could help us out. I always wanted to help my mom, she worked so hard. I guess the only thing I can do now is honor her by staying as healthy as I can.

It’s not easy at all resisting the smell of warm, buttered popcorn popping in a theater lobby before a movie. Hell, it’s part of the movie going experience. But when you consider how many calories are in that popcorn, and how many people (including yours truly) are overweight and eating that stuff, choices at the concession stands are made simpler.

I want to be around for a good long time, no matter how jarring waking up on Mondays can be.