Determined To Succeed

Day eighty-eight.

So I survived another day of not eating too badly. After my breakfast yesterday of french toast (only two pieces) and some turkey sausage (only two patties) I had a bagel with butter for lunch (as I didn’t want to eat too heavily before going to martial arts training – but more on that later) and for dinner had this rocking cinnamon chipotle pork chop with apple salsa dish for dinner complete with a side of sweet potatoes. I even resisted the urge to have seconds and saved the rest for din din tonight. I am also down another three ounces today and I will take each and every one of them, so at 240.2 I am as happy as an achy clam.

Why am I achy? It’s my own damn fault, really. I hadn’t been working out and stretching like I should and Sensei Doug really gave me a great workout yesterday. I am not being funny, either. He gave me an awesome workout that left me feeling…well, let’s just say achy breaky. Achy because I hadn’t stretched out my hip joints in days and I did a lot of kicking. Breaky because I felt like I was going to break down before even getting to my car afterward.

We started with the usual – shadowboxing and some light bag work but then went right into kicking. Kicking helps open up the hips and gives you better range of motion. It also had the effect of making you feel like your leg is like a fried chicken wing you have to break apart to eat. It was soooooo stiff. It took a while for it to open up a bit. But by then we were on to the floor exercises which take a serious toll on your arm strength. How can someone feel like a piece of broken friend chicken and spaghetti at the same time? I don’t know but I achieved it. Ugh! Man, was I in serious need of a sauna.

After the workout I came home and took a long hot shower and sat for a bit. I knew that today I’d have to stretch again but it was OK. I needed that kind of workout – the achy breaky. I always need that kind of workout and it is what I signed up for. Why shouldn’t I feel tired (exhausted), hurting and sweaty? That is what I want and that is what I get, which is why my sensei is awesome. truly. Think of it this way. When I went to college, a school I had to pay for, I went to classes because I PAID FOR THEM. Why should I ditch classes I paid for. That wasn’t smart money if I didn’t go (and thanks to my own stupid actions and the encouragement of an old girlfriend I did ditch and it took me three years to make that grade up in my GPA). In college you pay for the privilege of school and in working out I pay for the privilege of getting masterful instruction with my sweat.

That is a small price to pay, especially since I so desperately want to get into that Calvin Klein suit by my birthday.

Amazingly enough, though, I am not feeling achy breaky today. My body is good and is gearing up for a similar workout today. Yep, I’m gonna work myself out today and make myself sweat. I need it. I want it. I will have it. So on this chilly and rainy day here in southern New Jersey it will feel like the tropics to me. My weight is slowly coming back down and I am feeling better day by day. I already had my raisin toast today and will clear a space soon for myself.

I may not be the 400 pounds I once was, but still, a six-foot-one, 240 pound guy isn’t small and needs a lot of space in which to workout and continue losing weight. To be continued…

 Have a great day, everyone, and don’t forget to workout and eat well.

Day eighty-seven.

Finally!!!!! I am coming back down in my weight, thank God! I am down another six ounces and am at 240.5 today. Just a mere 15 pounds above my ultimate goal weight which I am bound and determined to achieve before I reach 40 years of age. I am so happy to see this number on my scale today. I have been very good with my eating lately, too. Yesterday, after my toast for breakfast, I had a Lean Cuisine-like frozen lunch (it was Litelife frozen Indian Veggie Masala – and dammed tasty, too) and leftover cajun chicken, rice and broccoli for dinner. Not only did I have those leftovers (which I have been totally into lately) but my portions have been very controlled, too. ONE chicken breast, ONE helping of rice and ONE helping of broccoli. And the best part was that I had water, H20, nature’s soft drink instead of soda (even diet Coke Zero). Yes, yesterday was a great day and it showed.

Today is going to be good also, mainly because I get to workout with Sensei Doug and his martial arts training. I wish I had the space here to do what we do in his studio. But one thing is for certain. I soooooo need to stretch a bit before working out. Having not worked out like that for a few days plus this chilly weather makes my joints, especially my hips, so tight and immobile. Oh well. I know I am not an old man yet by any stretch of the inmagination but damn, I wish someone would hurry up and invent some agre-regression thingie that makes our bodies as strongf as they were twenty years ago. That would be cool.

I bring all this up today because I think it would be way cool to wear that way cool Calvin Klein suit I bought last year for my 40th birthday this year. We all spend so much time wanting to fit into this and that. Well, during this 40th year of my life, I’m gonna do something about it. I have a goal to wear that suit somewhere for something. It is the most beautiful suit I own and right now, with these extra 15 or so pounds on my bod, I can’t even imagine putting it on yet. But with those pounds gone I should be able to fit into it. I guess that would make it my birthday suit.

I wasnt to wear my birthday suit for my birthday! I love plays on words.

Moreover, I think it’s a realistic weight loss goal. If I maintain exercising and eating better, the way I have been, it should be good. Also, I promise to take a photo of myself in that suit, too. But I will only wear it if it fits like it should. I will not wear it if the pants are too tight or the jacket doesn’t button. A suit must wear properly to look good and that is what I want.

So that’s it. That’s all I got today. Tune in tomorrow when I recount my activities on the martial arts mat from today as well as what I ate. Speaking of which, this morning I made two small pieces of cinnamon raisin french toast and two patties of turkey sausage for breakfast (yum).  Lunch I know will be lighter and I think pork chops are for din din. Or should I say pork chop (singular). Remember, I have a birthday suit I need to fit into and look good in.

Day sixty-six.

Well, here we are again, Hump Day, when we stop working to pay taxes and actually begin earning the wages we take home. In other words, we start working for ourselves. Today is interesting because Hump Day, for me, has two meanings. One, I am still trying to get over the hump of losing this extra bit of weight (grrrrrr). Two, I have been working for myself with working out, which means today I am going to my martial arts class later on this afternoon.

I don’t know about you guys but I feel damn good when I work for myself in anything, whether it is cooking, cleaning, doing laundry or working out. The fruits of that labor are seeing the completed food, a clean house, folded and available laundry and/or a scale with a lower number than yesterday. Those are the cool things about working for oneself. You get to set your own “blank,” and fill in that “blank” with whatever is appropriate for you…”hours,” “pace,” “schedule,” “goals,” etc. However, you also then have no one to answer to but you, and if you’re anything like me, we can be our own worst “blanks” (”bosses,” “critics,” “detractors,” etc.).

Let’s start with this weight loss thing of mine. Dammit all to hell! I thought I’d have this extra weight off by now. On one hand I am still doing very well. I have kept off the majority of the 175 I’ve lost but I still have a very stubborn 13 pounds to go to re-reach my goal. Being my own boss I have to say I haven’t been a very good “employee.” I’ve let me get away with lots. I’ve slacked off at times, ate what I wasn’t supposed to, had portions that were larger than needed, etc. But, when push comes to shove, like with keeping up with the martial arts workouts, I am good and dedicated and I know I will eventually lose that 13 pounds (which still is better than the 20 pounds it once was).

See, that’s what I mean. Even though I am doing well I still am able to find fault and that is both good and bad. It is good because it keeps me focused on continuing my good streak and my weight loss journey. It’s bad because you have to give yourself a “win” every now and then to stay happy and keep up morale and I don’t because instead of thinking about the weight I’ve been able to keep off with better eating and exercise I focus on what I’ve re-gained. I’ve had jobs like that, jobs that never looked at the good I was doing for the organization and always focused on the bad. What they didn’t have. “We didn’t get what the other guy got,” etc., and I was tired of that shit mainly because it was unfair. It set me up to fail because 1) I had to be a mind-reader to know the stupid, misguided whims and ideas of my old bosses and 2) I had to constantly beat the ground to produce (and believe me, I produced tons to the point where those fruits came to bear after I was “vocationally liberated”) and there is only so much you can do before press people get tired of hearing from you and start ignoring you. That is how PR works and that is how weight loss should not.

If you’ve lost ten pounds but gained back five, you’ve still lost five pounds and have kept it off. That is awesome. I have to remind myself to “take that win” and run with it. Sure, can and should we re-lose that other five, absolutely! But let’s look at what we’ve accomplished and take that win, too, for it is a big win especially on Hump Day, when all of us work hard to enjoy the fruits of our labor. For me, I am still seeing a big 2 at the beginning of my weight instead of a 4. The second digit is a 3 and is not a 4, 5 or (egads) 6.  And that last number will go down from the 8 it is currently. I know it will.

Hey, at least my “employee” didn’t drink another whole half-gallon of orange juice today. For that I am grateful. That is a win in-and-of itself. Have a great day, everyone.

Day Fifty-seven.

Did you guys ever watch “Lost In Space” when you were a kid? Of course, I wasn’t around when the original 60s show was on the air but I did catch them in reruns throughout my childhood and remember, very vividly, Dr. Smith, the mischievous stowaway (and comic relief) whose favorite way of complaining was to say “Oh, the pain…Oh, the pain…”

Well, my friends. Oh, the pain ! Do I ever ache today! And today is way better than yesterday!!! My sensei, the awesome Doug Shaffer, warned me that the first mixed martial arts workout back from being out for a bit was going to hurt. But, damn!!! He didn’t warn me my legs were gonna burn and feel like spaghetti for two days straight! Well, O.K., he actually did but I keep telling myself it’s a good pain (and I know it is). It’s just a bitch when I am trying to get back into the routine and my muscles ache like when I first started weight loss and martial arts fitness months ago.

It started out just as I expected. My body needed serious warming up. Sensei Doug invited me to come a few minutes early to check out the adult karate class going on as a sort of dual “get inspiration to jump back in”/”see some of the things we’ve learned put into use.” That was very cool, especially since I learned a neat block a potential clubbing move. Anywho…the time came for me to take to the mat and I started my day.

Sensei went easy on my to begin with, just some light punching of the bag, followed by kicking. But that’s when things started to get rough. We did line work, we did tricep dips (how I struggled to get through my usually good 20), we did push-ups (at least I did ten really good, almost full push-ups), more line work, ab rocking and kicking, more punching, more kicking, Turkish get-ups, lunges, the four corners…and despite the awesome stretches after it was enough to turn my limbs into little more than useless linguine. By the time my hour was over I was sweating but I could feel how much I hadn’t worked out…and how much I knew I was gonna feel it later.

Later that afternoon I took a really long as-close-to-hot-as-I-get shower and that seemed to help. “Seemed” being the operative word. Little did I know what was in store for me yesterday…

When I woke up it was as if I was being weighed down my a ton of bricks that burned my arms and legs (especially my legs) every time I tried to move. Oh yes, I felt every minute of that 60-minute workout. I know I’m gonna be a great old guy one day because all I wanted to do (besides moan and groan) was to sit in a nice comfy position with the greatest invention ever – the heating pad – and just not move. In other words, I sooooo wished I had the power of telekinesis (or the Force) to call things to me.

But, it was a good pain. It really was. One of the things I knew during my workout, besides that I knew I was gonna hurt) was how much I missed doing it. How much I missed being on the mat, hitting the bag and making myself sweat. Did my abs, arms, back and (most of all) legs hurt? You bet your ass. But it’s supposed to hurt. That’s why the word “work” is in workout. It is work but it’s work you put into yourself and that always feels good.

Today’s blog is late (and so sorry about that, loyal readers) due to a dental appointment today. However, I am going to try to make it to the gym later to begin my normal workouts again. Why? Because I am down to 241.0 today and that feels awesome! It’s better than the 243.3 I was on Friday and it’s better every day. So I can’t wait to hit the gym to do some elliptical work, as well as some extra tricep dips to catch myself back up. Yes, a workout hurts from time to time but always remember two things…

…one, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…

…two, pain is only temporary. Quitting lasts forever, and I sure as heck ain’t gonna quit my weight loss journey. No matter how much I feel my thighs burning from lunges today.

Day twenty-three.

“Ugh.” That’s all I have to say. I am finally up and around today after having a massive allergy attack last night. You know the kind I mean. The ones where you sneeze yourself into a headache (where you can’t stop sneezing at all), where your eyes are all puffy, throat is all drippy and nothing seems to help much. So I say again, “ugh!” Although, and on a positive note,  I did alright food-wise having had a great homemade beef stew. Not only that but only having an appropriate portion of it, too. This way I have lunch AND dinner tonight as well. Awesome.

It just sucks ass when your sick. That sneezing, head-achy allergy attack turned into something of a summer cold and my throat is dry and hurting today. Now, the good news about all that is that I do not feel like eating. The bad news is I don’t feel much like doing anything today except, well, laying around saying “ugh.”

Let’s talk for a moment about the virtues of lying on one’s couch flipping channels. You get to catch up on talk shows, game shows and “reality” TV (reality is in quotes because, if you know anything about TV, there ain’t much of it that’s real. It’s contrived and staged with heroes, villains and victims just like scripted TV shows). Or, you get to catch up on a good book or a few movies, whether they’re on cable or in your DVD cue. You get to curl up with one of the best inventions ever – the heating pad – and just be a slug, allowing your body to get the rest it needs to get better.

Now, let’s talk about the bad parts of just lying around. Nothing gets done. Not work, exercise, errands, exercise, laundry, exercise, cleaning and, most of all, exercise (did I mention that already?). And when you do flip channels you realize that the only thing on the tele is crap because 90% of the country is at work so they put on reruns of crap, marathons of whichever “Housewives of” show is being aired and show you what antics Snooki and Jwoww are up to at the “Jersey Shore.” And never mind the fact cable, especially premium channels, are running the same three movies ALL THE TIME. I mean seriously, how many times can the Decepticons take revenge against the Autobots while Shia LaBeouf yells “no, no, no, no, no, no!”

So there’s my catch 22. Rest or push myself. The fact of the matter with me is that I do embrace being sick, I do, and I am content with lying around putting up with bad TV and excessive reruns if it gets me better faster so I can rejoin life. But with these extra pounds to lose I am torn. I wish I could sneeze them out and throw them away in little wadded-up balls of tissue. But I can’t. It takes work, work (and workouts) that I have almost zero energy for today.

So maybe I will compromise with myself. I will get going and do some work and maybe, MAYBE, if I am up to it, go for a walk later. At least that will be something. And it might do me well to get out for a bit and let the hot end-of-summer air work its magic on my nostrils and nasal cavities. That sounds good, but then again so does my couch. Alright, alright, I will get up though and do something to start.

Thanks for listening to me rant today. Being in a weight loss struggle ain’t easy, especially when you’re sick. But good and bad, we are in this together. Hopefully, I will be better enough to kick the bag decently tomorrow in martial arts class. Hell, even the energy for that walk today would be good. But no matter what, I am just thankful to be here, present and sober today. And sick or not, that is an amazing feeling, even when you start the day saying “ugh.”

Day nineteen.

I woke up this morning and I cried. I cried because of the realization that I was finally becoming a whole person again. I cried because all those parts of me and my soul that had been scattered to the four winds (despair, shame, guilt and gluttony) have started coming back and are now a part of me again and for the first time in my recent memory I am here and present.

I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like having your soul, brain, heart and energy segmented like that.  Sad to say it is something you have to experience to know. To use a movie analogy it’s like being Voldemort from the Harry Potter books. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Voldemort uses physical objects to place parts of his soul so that, no matter what happens to his physical body, he can return. In that world it is the darkest, blackest magic there is. In this world, my world, it was the darkest and blackest my soul had ever been. It’s so bad that you put yourself aside for the drug. You do, and the motions you go through aren’t for you. They’re for the drug.

Being addicted to something – anything – means you not only get a high from it but you eventually start trading things, including pieces of your life and soul for it. If you know anyone who’s an addict they will tell you that. They will also tell you what withdrawl is like – that maddening craving for the drug when you ween yourself off of it. But what I am going through isn’t withdrawl, it’s reverse withdrawl.

I cried today because I really felt myself coming back together today. I felt the parts of my soul that had been gone for so long come back home. I watched the sun rise a bit this morning, listened to the birds sing their morning songs of hunger and felt myself take in such good, deep breaths that I felt almost overwhelmed. I felt heavier. Not just because I’ve been eating like a pig lately but because the best parts of me rejoined me. My mind wasn’t in one place while my soul was shoved away in a closet somewhere. I wasn’t spending my time being an addict and splitting my time, energies and self between so many different things. I was here again and I was at peace.

The last time I felt peace like that was when I sat with my mother, JoAnn Larson, as she lay dying from pancreatic cancer. I’ve said it before and I will say it again I know exactly how lucky a bastard I am because I was able to say to my mom “I love you, mama” and hear her say “I love you, too, son” back. Those were literally her last words to me. Those were literally her last words. After that she slipped further and further away until finally she became eternally free and healed from that terrible bitch disease. Those words brought me peace and they are what I held onto as her hand grew cold even as I held it watching her take her last breath on this earth.

Reclaiming what had been gone so long makes you heavier. I don’t know how but it does. They say when your spirit leaves your body you actually lose weight. Well, I now know what it’s like to breathe and live again. I was dying. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. This morning, and these past few weeks, have all been part of a process I hope to and want to continue. I love this reverse withdrawl. It’s renewed my senses and it’s making me whole again.

I talk all the time about seeing the “promised land.” In the past I meant about weight loss and I still do. I lost the weight of a grown person and I will never, EVER regain it back because I knew I would be dead had I kept it. But I have also seen the “promised land” of what it’s like to crave something so much it takes over your life, and yes, that can be food, too. But I would try to save you that pain and have you learn from my experience to stay away from that rancid hell on earth.

No matter what your addiction you are worth so much more than that which drives you. Our souls must be one within ourselves to truly be alive and that cannot happen craving something else. Yesterday I made a kick-ass soup (the Delicious Bean Stew I listed the recipe for – it’s awesome, by the way). Today, Friday, and tomorrow, Saturday, I’m going to workout with my martial arts instructor, Doug Shaffer, and it’s going to feel great. I am going to see and talk with friends and I am gonna drive with the windows down to feel the warm air on my face. That is life, and I am embracing it again after such a long, long time.

If you are new to reading me, welcome. I truly appreciate you stopping by to check out this website to gain inspiration in your weight loss journey. I am still on that path and will forever be on that path with you. There are two parts of it, you know. Losing weight and keeping it off, the latter being the on-going, lifestyle-changing part. It may be rough, and I know it is, but there is a difference this time as there is now a difference in my life.

I am here and present, and when we can say that, and really and truly mean it, we can and will do anything because we have our lives back and finally back in our control. Have a great weekend.

Day fifteen.

It’s a bright and sunny day today.The sky is clear, absolutely clear and the rest of the day lies ahead. How many times did I say that to try to look at the day optimistically? To make the most of the time and beauty in a day? Many, many times, I know. And there were times, especially in my weight loss, where I did make the most of that time, like when I made time to get a workout. But in my addiction that gradually regressed until many of my days were pissed away with me only doing the bare minimum.

I attended my fourth twelve-step meeting yesterday and my first direct appointment on Saturday, and both were great at helping cut through the stuff and get to the core of what brought me to this point.  It was the fear of not being liked and it was that fear that truly got me so far away from who I was that I lost sight of me for a long, long time…and made me eventually lose sight of my religion, as well.

When I say religion I do not necessarily mean going to church and praying, although there is a component to that, too. No, I meant my religion in terms of taking care of myself and working out. These past couple of weeks have truly challenged me into acknowledging how much I let that slip in all this. I am a believer in God. I know there are many variations of higher beings out there for many different people and beliefs, and that’s cool. But I do believe in God and as much as I haven’t attended actual church I stopped praying at the alter of the elliptical, free weights and leg presses, too.

This last week specifically I have been making that time to reconnect with working out. I added in at least one hour every day solely dedicated to hitting the gym. And almost every day last week (save for one where it was unavoidable to not workout) I got my ass back to the gym to not only supplement the martial arts training but to get back to my core, the man I want to become physically, too. And it’s working. It really is working.

Like I said attending the meetings has been such a wonderful thing in so many ways, but it also serves as a reminder that I do have an obligation to restore the healthy in my life and to strive for that every single day because some people cannot or do not have the strength to do that. The meetings are the great reminder of one’s core gifts, and while we are all the same in that room you can tell, just tell, who is O.K. coming out of a meeting and who is holding on this/close to losing it all.

I came that close. I really did. Everything that’s happened has brought me to a point in life where I not only really face me for the first time but also deal with what’s really going on inside, what really made me act this way. I am actually excited again about things, among them going back to “church.” My church. The church of the gym and of fitness. The only thing I did right all this time was lose weight and I have to keep doing it right if for no one else than myself. But also for you guys, too.

We all lose our way. I know we do. In the twelve-step meetings they explain how there is no shame and no judgment. Just a way to connect with people going through the same stuff so you do know you’re not alone. The same can be said for this blog. I am human. I’ve always said that. I slip up and eat shit I’m not supposed to and there are days I don’t feel like working out. But there is no way we will get the results we want until we address our stuff and get to work. Not just physically but mentally, and not just mentally but physically. Plain and simple.

These past couple of weeks, part of what’s saved me and made my mind free is that exercise, the actual sweating, kicking and hitting a bag, doing six push-ups kind of exercise. Also, part of what’s saved me is the actual going to the gym by myself and hitting the elliptical, doing my kicks and punches in there, too, my tricep dips and my crunch turns. That is awesome. I am glad to say I am getting back in touch with religion. I know we all don’t believe in God, or a God, or even have something/someone to whom to pray. But that’s alright. That is a very personal thing, and it’s for each and every one of us to find whether we pray at the alter of the Lord or pray at the alter of the gym.

Thankfully, these days I’ve been doing both.

I feel like such an old man today. Here I am sitting in my Family Guy/Stewie Griffin pjs, eating my morning cup of oatmeal and nursing a sore hip with my awesomely wonderful heating pad. Hurmph. If I wasn’t sitting at this computer right now knowing I’m only 39 I’d swear I was already in “the home” waiting on Julie McCoy, our cruise activities director, to tell us what light-on-the-dentures lunch we’ll be having while watching reruns of “Golden Girls,” “The Beverly Hillbillies,” “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” or “Happy Days” on that newfangled light box called a television tuned to Nickelodeon.

O.K., maybe I’m exagerating juuuuuuuust a little bit (although I’m going to make an awesome old dude one of these days – WAY in the future) but I am not kidding about the pjs, oatmeal and heating pad, which I needed yesterday after my martial arts workout. Please understand, my hip has always bothered me and I think it’s just the fact that I am working it out so much that it reminds me “hey, Larson! Yo. I’m here!”

But for some reason it really started to get stiff on me despite the wonderful yoga stretches my sensei has me do at the end of my class. Who knows? I might have just been sitting in an awkward position or moved it wrong. All I know is I was praising S.I. Russell last night and still am.

What?! “Who is S.I. Russell?” you ask? Well…in 1912 an American inventor named S.I. Russell patented the world’s first electrically heated warming pad. These particular heating pads, nothing more than a rather small piece of fabric with insulated coils used to heat the interior, were created for a quite specific target consumer base. Russell saw the necessity of heating the chests of patients with tuberculosis who were reclining outdoors. The outdoor air was something that patients with tuberculosis absolutely needed to help along their convalescence, but that same air could often become too chilly. Step in Mr. S.I. Russell and suddenly the problem of the cold air became a thing of the past.

This dude is my hero, and hero, I’m sure, to gajillions of people all around the world who need a little extra warmth or who, like me, need to put some heat on a sore hip.

Yesterday’s workout was awesome as usual. We worked more abs and for some reason my arms are sore (they so felt like spaghetti after the workout yesterday), but it is always well worth it. I then hydrated on water and orange juice (I know it has a lot of calories but I wanted something sweet and not a soda) and rested on the couch. But then old man-ness hit me and my hip started hurting. Ugh! So I placed my false teeth in the glass of water on the nightstand and turned on my trusty heating pad.

It feels much better today, and very much so. Although I’m going to have to do some yoga stretches to help loosen it up a bit so its not stiff today and for tomorrow’s second class of the week.  And since I’ve already had my energy-filled cinnamon oatmeal today I’m rarin’ to go. In fact I’m already thinking about grilled chicken and a veggie for lunch after I get more stuff done…which does mean getting out of my Stewie pjs and actually becoming an adult to start my day.

This hip, though, reminds me of being active for really the first time in my life. This period of weight loss has helped me extend my life and my quality of life in so many ways. Depending on your physical abilities right now and/or your level of activity you can add years, too. You are every single day you go for a walk, do sit-ups, anything. It’s awesome, and we have lots of summer and warm days left to be able to get out and enjoy things before we all get ourselves inside for the winter (yes, next to our heating pads)

Hell, I may never know how many years I’ve added to my life because of it but I do know I am able to do way more stuff now which makes life that much fuller, more fun and keeps “the home” that much farther away than it was when I was 400 pounds – if I would have even made it there at all. And with my hip being warmed I’m getting myself psyched for tomorrow’s martial arts class.  I may know (and feel) my hip today but it means I’m alive and enjoying life – and that’s a feeling that makes anyone feel eternally young.

ZZZZZZZZZZ. Uh, oh…sorry. I fell asleep typing. I swear, I feel like I have no energy today. I know I better find some and quick because today is day one of two (possibly three) this week of martial arts class and I have a bag to kick and punch and a mat to make all sweaty.

Today is “Hump Day” and it feels like today’s hump is a huge one to get over. Today is a day tailor-made for coffee with a shot of five-hour energy boosters supplemented by the most energiest of energy bars. And yes, these things, particularly the coffee with five-hour booster, sound revolting.

I know I will find the energy, especially since I look forward to class as much as I do. But damn, I am just dragging today. It’s dreary outside and my body, particularly since I ate something that disagreed with me yesterday, is blah. I need energy and stat.

I do know a couple of things that give me energy. You guys, for starters. Knowing you are all out there is awesome and it keeps me going. Second, knowing that if I don’t keep up my energy to do a workout (and care about what I eat) I’d probably go back to the way I was and I certainly don’t want that. Not to mention if I don’t find energy I will be a useless slug on that mat today and I don’t want that either.

I was talking with a friend yesterday about my weight loss journey and it made me remember what my energy levels were like waaaaaaaaaay back then at 400 pounds…when it seemed to take the fuel the space shuttle uses to blast off just to get out of bed every day. That sucked. Being that heavy meant a lot more energy was required to do simple things like move. That sounded silly but you know what I mean. In other words, if I feel sluggish now imagine what I felt like to have no energy with the weight of another person to carry around.

ZZZZZZZZZZ. Oh sorry. I did it again…

I know energy and motivation are the hardest things to find sometimes and I am right there with ya. I so want to climb back into bed and sleep. But the day has started and I must get over this energy hump. That is my goal today. That and to have a little more cohesion in my mind (I hate when my mind is scattered and I’m struggling to string two sentences together…..ZZZZZZZZZZZ).

I know I wish for things sometimes but today I wish we could harness the energy output of children and inject that into our brains instead of coffee. We’d have the energy of ages if we could do that. Instead, I have to do my best to keep pulling the cord on the lawnmower motor that is my body/mind today and hope it starts up.

I’m sure it will. It better, or today’s going to be one long “Hump Day” fer sure. Like totally. So I apologize completely now for sounding so sleepy and tired today. I promise I will be more with it tomorrow.

You all know I started taking martial arts classes about two months ago as a new way to workout given by the awesome sensei Doug Shaffer. It is awesome! I do things like shadowboxing, kicks, bag punches, leg and floor exercises and stretches and I do my best to try to repeat those exercises in a gym when I am not in my classes…

…but I never told you about how it FEELS to do it alone – without an instructor and to do these things in front of others.

When I am in my sensei’s training area, even though there is a huge clear window at the front which allows people to stare all they want (and sometimes they do) and the door is always open so they can come in I do not feel self-conscious about doing my shadowboxing, Turkish get-ups (my least favorite thing but only because by the time I do it my arms are really tired) and line kicks because my sensei is there with me. He is obviously guiding me. A casual passerby can look or drop in and say “O.K. the big guy’s the student and the other guy is telling him how to move…”

When I am alone in my gym it’s a different story. The gym I go to is of decent size but has machines and equipment throughout, enough to make line kicks hard because they are in the way and the space is way smaller. It’s also a challenge to find a good big space on the floor to do the get-ups and other floor stuff but I manage. Those things I can handle. The biggest problem I face is the problem we all face when we go to the gym…other people watching.

When people see you on an elliptical or using a treadmill or using free weights they can see something else physical, kind of like when people see an instructor in the room. It processes in the brain. Even if someone is on the floor doing crunches or push-ups you are familiar with those exercises so it doesn’t seem so, well, foreign. But when you are trying to walk the length of a gym back and forth kicking the air in front of you, or are trying to defeat Ivan Drago from “ROCKY IV” in your head as you punch air you can start to feel eyes on you. And even if they are not they FEEL like they are, because it’s not “normal,” like “what’s he doing?”

That’s when I focus and picture my sensei right next to me telling me “Give me two minutes of kicking legs and boxing arms…GO!” I put aside what I perceive as being looked at and focus on what I am doing. When I stand in the corner looking in the mirror practicing my punches or, better yet, my upward knee kicks, I imagine my sensei there telling me to “give him ten on each side, then go back to shadowboxing.”

Today when I hit the gym it’s going to be all about the abs, doing this rocking back and forth thing (kind of like a turtle on its back) which works out your abs like a sonofabitch. And I know that, to the untrained eye, I will look like a turtle. But I will look like a turtle doing his best not to get back on his feet but one trying to firm up his “flabs of steel.”

If you go to the gym and worry about how others look at you, don’t. That is a silly, silly waste of time and energy. Most people  go to a gym to do exactly what you are doing – get fit and exercise. I am sure there are some people who go to show off and/or to judge and those people can suck it. If you go to a gym or other public place to workout you have already taken that step. Don’t let perception drag you down.

Just imagine your own personal sensei (whatever/whoever that is) right by your side giving you the encouragement you need to keep going.