Determined To Succeed

Day ninety-two.

Happy Monday, everyone. Well, I barely – BARELY – survived the weekend. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. First, I ended up eating waaaaaaaaay too much on Friday night for dinner. I did aright for breakfast and lunch. Following my egg and sausage half-sandwich for breakfast I had a bagel for lunch (since I knew I was working out on Friday afternoon with Sensei Doug). But for dinner, fuck! I ate like a pig. It was taco night and there should be a law about how good jalepenos, onions, salsa, cheese and taco meat taste on a tortilla. Yum!

Saturday,  I was honored enough to be a part of the first-annual walk for pancreatic cancer in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, in honor of my mom, JoAnn. It was heartwarming to be surrounded by so many people who could understand that bitch disease while, at the same time, being there in positive support of all our loved ones, friends and family afflicted. It was a wonderful three-mile walk and one I will do every year, as I can, to remember the best lady in the whole world.

I love you, Mama. So much.

For lunch, I ate a wonderfully-prepared omelette (if I do say so myself) and some bacon and toast while for dinner I polished off the remainder of the taco stuff. Yesterday, for breakfast had some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the small ones, not Cinnabon size) and coffee while having a selection of finger foods (cheese, hummus, bread, chicken) at a great wine tasting. That ended up being my dinner (in addition to the few bite-size Snickers I had watching a Netflix flick) which was O.K.

What does all that mean? It means that, overall, while it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t great BUT I did end up weighing the same today as I did on Friday and that is a Godsend! I am still at 239.9 and am soooooo looking forward to working out today. This week also will be interesting because I will not be visiting Doug for my mixed martial arts sessions so I will have to maintain my workouts  on my own, no obligatory classes to make. But I will do it. As I told him I have my “homework” and I will do it.

So I start this week feeling pretty good. I am firmly ensconsed in eating at home and drinking Coke Zero (instead of regular Coca-Cola). I am going to workout four or five times this week to keep that up. All is good. Could this weekend have been better, of course. I could have exercised AND eaten better. However, life is to be enjoyed and I enjoyed a bit of life this weekend. If that means having two small pretzels with mustard on Saturday night (which I did), or having delicious pepper jack cheese cubes, hummus and bread with wine, so be it. I am living life and I will not ever, ever again, whether it be in my weight or any other way, take life for granted. It is short and precious and should be fully, fully appreciated.

On Saturday I felt my mom with me as I walked through that park with all those people. It wasn’t sad. It was the feeling you get when walking with your parents when you’re a kid. It was safe and warm and happy. And as long as I keep up with my better eating and exercising I will be able to have that feeling for decades to come.

Day eighty-one.

Ugh. I am fighting an “attack of the lazies.” You know what I’m talkin’ about (Willis). That “come hither” call you get from your couch or favorite chair to make yourself comfortable, turn on the boob tube and find something that allows you to sink down and waste the day watching this or that. But that’s exactly what it is, at least to me, a waste. Sure, are there days when laying back and enjoying are cool? You bet your ass. But when there is no bloody good damned reason for you to be laying there other than re-watching a movie you’ve seen a hundred times then it’s time to get up and get your move on.

Yesterday, I had a great mixed martial arts session with Sensei Doug and sweated my ass off. There’s nothing like a great workout to try to get the mind right. I also ate better. Not that I haven’t been trying but I seriously curtailed the Coke Zero and cut down on the chocolate (weening is a slow process). For my efforts I am down a half-pound today (239.4) and I’ll take it.

See, getting my move on helped.

One of my problems, though, is staying “in the zone” to workout. I wake up in the morning all full of energy to workout and I find I still have to convince myself to do it later on. I mean nothing really changes in the couple/few hours between waking up and having the time. It’s just that I get lazy. That’s the honest way to say it. I just get lazy sometimes and lose the want and desire to get my move on. But I know I can’t today. During my workout yesterday my right hip (and my hips in general) were so tight it was uncomfortable to do some of the yoga stretches after the workout. That’s not cool. So today when I hit the gym (AND I WILL BE HITTING THE GYM) I will focus on stretches in addition to other sweaty stuff so that my workouts are better…

…and so that I don’t feel like a slug.

I am human and fight that vicious cycle we all go through. I want to lose weight and I know I have to exercise and eat right doing it. But there are times I don’t feel like it (and get lazy), so my weight stays the same or goes up and I get all frustrated. It is a cycle and one I try to break, mainly because I recognize it when it happens. I just need to keep that energy up to make exercise happen. So today I’m getting my ass up, getting my move on and working out. And it’s not that I am feeling bad or am hurting that bad. I am just fighting that attack of the lazies I get every now and then. That’s all. So all I need to take is two miles on the elliptical and call myself in the morning.

The lazies may be a fun bunch to hang out with. They can always find SOMETHING on television to watch, even when crap is on. But today is nice (I am sure THE last over 70-degree day we will have in Jersey until next Spring so I need to get up, grab a shower and start the day keeping in mind that the more I move the more that numnber on the scale will go down.

You hear that, you lazies? I want that a helluva lot more than a re-re-re-re-re-run of, well, anything.

Day seventy-five.

Today is Friday and I am juiced about having a healthy weekend. I know I am usually in a twist because it is the weekend and I typically fall off the wagon a bit but this weekend is a bit unique for two reasons: one, I have begun helping motivate two close friends in their own weight loss and two, because of a photo I found of me from 11 years ago.

Let’s start with the photo.

11 years ago (1999) I had the wonderful opportunity to tour some of Europe. I visited (and please excuse the spellings) Interlacken, Switzerland, Oberammagau, Germany, Salzburg, Germany, Vienna, Austria…some pretty nifty places. I remember being so enthralled with being where I was – so far from home but loving every minute – I never once thought about what I ate or how much I ate (especially wiener schnitzel – I think that’s how you spell it). Anyway, I was going through those old photos yesterday when I came across some of me, one in particular, that made me go “wow.”

You’ve heard me talk many, many times about the photo of me in the shark tunnel at the aquarium. Well, the photos I found of me were from 1999 and I was huge! It made me remember the reason I originally grew my beard – to try to hid my growing double chin and face flab. I saw what I was wearing and remembered how excited I was to find clothes in a size 4XL at the time (which within another 5 years would be a 5XL). I instantly remembered what I ate and drank and did and how it led me to that point (even lower). I shook my head slowly and slowly placed the photo on the counter.

That photo reminded me to think about how far I’ve come. Yes, I do need to re-lose some weight but I am well-within parameters of my goal weight, can still fit in my smaller clothes and have way more energy than I ever did. I am even going to my mixed martial arts class today to kick ass, something back then I never thought I could do.

As for the two friends, all I can say is how honored I am that they’ve asked me to help motivate them to get up and be moving. I have known one for over 22 years and the other I’ve known for about three but never really hung out before recently. In my separate discussions with them both we’ve discussed how human I can be, that I have ups and downs, etc. but that I will do my best to encourage and be supportive (and that good kick in the pants they need). As the long-time friend said, “I need a way to hold myself accountable and have someone help get me up off my couch.” Hell, ain’t that the truth?! I need that, too, and both will be that for me.

That is why I am so jazzed to start this weekend. I know I am going to start it right. For breakfast I had my reduced fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and for a snack I had a yogurt. Tasty. I know I am also going to be active this weekend because I do martial arts tomorrow, too. Bring it on, I say. Bring it on! Because if a picture is worth a thousand words I seriously want those words to be of the successes in my life, not the failures. I want them to be of the future, not the past…

…and I want them to reflect the new, healthier and better Bill Ivory Larson. Not the sick, confused one. That is the guy in the photo and that is the person I never want to see again except in photos. To remind me of where I’ve been so that I am on track to get where I’m going.

Have a great weekend, everyone.

Day sixty-eight.

So did you guys do it? Did you go to MSN.COM and answer the questions and use the “life expectancy calculator?” I hope you did because it sure as hell was an eye-opener for me. Just finding out I added almost 20 years to my life by losing weight was incredible. However, I also found out that I now have time added on to do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of my size. But more on that later…

It’s Friday and happy weekend. I am sitting here continuing my downward trend in weight loss and am at 237 even today. Woohoo. And that’s before my awesome mixed martial arts workout later this afternoon. But it is the weekend and you guys know I worry about over doing it with too much food and not enough exercise. I wish we could always stay the weight we want to achieve but, without hard work, we cannot. Sigh.

In less than two months I will hit the big 40! I so want to re-achieve my weight loss goal by then (and hopefully not add anymore weight in celebrating). There are also so many other things I want to do in life – like skydive – that I never would have been able to do had I not lost this weight. So I am compiling a list in my head of certain things I want to do which I will tell you guys about closer to my birthday. In the meantime, we have to tackle the here and now and that means the upcoming weekend.

I feel like an episode of “The Event” today, jumping all over the place in this blog which is weird and I’m sorry. I just feel a bit scattered today. I have lots of stuff to try to get done and they’re all on my mind. One of the things on my mind, though, was the movie I saw last night. I went to go see “Easy A,” which was both funny and cute (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson steal the movie as Emma Stone’s parents, but that’s not why it’s on my mind). Seeing the movie’s on my mind because the theater itself had double-wide seats in its auditoriums. Now, I’m sure that the seats, which resembled a slightly smaller love seat or a swing bench in size, were not necessarily meant for people of size. It’s probably meant for couples who just want to get cozy watching a flick. But I couldn’t help but wonder if larger people use those seats because they are more comfortable. I know I would have back when I was 400.

Yep, back then, when I needed seatbelt extenders, chairs with no arms in restaurants, etc., I would have jumped at the chance to sit in one of those prime seats just to have the “wiggle room.” It would have made me comfortable and probably would have helped my arthritic knee be able to stretch by not being locked into the “L” position all crammed in watching something.

The downside to all that, though, would have been the corrosive comments made by other theater patrons seeing my 400-pound butt go for the “date seat.” So I asked myself last night “would it have been worth it?” The answer is yes and no. No, for obvious reasons like I never like being made fun of. Yes, because I would have been way more comfortable especially in a world where smaller seats (revenue generators that they are) seem to be the norm. Ironic these seats were in the auditorium showing a movie about a person who has to suffer the slings and arrows of society based on prejudices (O.K., that is a loose interpretation but work with me here).

When I left the movies last night I tried to leave the image of the date seat in the theater but I couldn’t. It’s hard to shake the past and even harder to NOT imagine myself as that 400 pound guy sometimes. So I said a slight, silent prayer for anyone who has to use those seats in the future. I hoped they would enjoy the movie in comfort and in peace free of the comments of close-minded assholes who always have to make comments about something or someone. I also thanked God I don’t have to now. Not because of the comments but because of what I mentioned at the beginning of today’s weekend blog. I now have so many more years added onto my life and the opportunities to do so many more things. That’s all.

I will always remember from where I came, especially on day sixty-eight of my sobriety. So many people use food amongst other things to numb pain and shame and I don’t ever want to do that again, especially because it could take years off my life and lead me right to that special seat at the theater. So as my birthday approaches I feel a sense of re-birth. I want 40 to be the best year of my life (so far) so I can do whatever I want to do…and sit wherever I want to sit no matter where I go…gray hairs and all.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Talk to you on Monday.

Day sixty-four.

Good Monday morning, my friends. Today is the day we nationally observe Columbus Day, a day which I hold highly suspect since we seem to celebrate a guy who “discovered” people who were already here, “discovery” of a land already discovered by Leif Ericson hundreds of years before, and his contributions to religious intolerance and the Middle Passage/Atlantic Slave Trade. I do not mean to offend anyone who truly believes the myths and stories of Christopher Columbus in a blog about weight loss, just trying to educate as much as I can just like I try to do in matters of weight loss.

All that being said, and with all due respect to all parties involved, I do have something of a taste for Italian food. I can’t tell you how much, over the last few weeks, I’ve had the itch for pizza. Dammit! I have been this/close to picking up the phone and ordering up a sausage, mushroom, green pepper and onion pizza (with extra cheese) and plopping down to watch a movie or two. I also have to say that this taste for Italian led me to absolutely devour a couple of healthy helpings of the sausage and peppers provided at a party I attended Saturday night. Yummy and tasty, but I ate waaaaaaay too much.

Luckily, a couple of things happened:

1) I didn’t give in to my taste for pizza (or for a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola, for that matter)

2) Even though I ate my way to a tummy ache this past weekend I still continued to lose a few more ounces, a powerful motivator, indeed.

So I am, indeed, in a quandry. I guess the best thing to do is to nuke a Lean Cuisine pizza and just have the best of both worlds. I know, it’s nowhere near the same as a good pizza but it would knock the taste for a good “piece-a-pizza” (as my mom, JoAnn, would say) out of my mouth…at least for a little while.Or, I could have a nice portion-controlled serving of pasta with a garlic (and sausage) marinara. Mmmmmm, that sounds good, too. But, dammit! There I go again. It’s not even 10:00 a.m. and I am already thinking about dinner. Oh, well.

I do have to take little victories where I can get them, though. Like getting through the past few weeks without having a regular Coke. That has been hard, but thanks to Coke Cherry Zero and Coke Zero (I can’t stand regular Diet Coke) I have satisfied the taste for a soda without the calories. Also, being down a total of another 6 ounces is a Godsend especially the way I ate this past weekend. Sheesh! It was like I lost my mind at that party – meatballs, sausage and peppers, taco dip (which was good since I made it), desserts – and had never eaten before. Thank God I ate well around that party and ate very well for dinner (London Broil and Butternut Squash rice) last night.

Now today is for working out and getting back to that routine. Yep, I’m putting on the gloves for a great “round” of boxing and doing some, if not most, of my mixed martial arts routine. That should be fun. Then it’s back to the grindstone of writing and trying to do my best to stay away from my own strong food cravings.

Which leads me back to my taste for Italian. I know all I have to do is exercise a little “Bill Power” and get over my craving for pizza, but I’m human and it’s hard to do that sometimes, especially living so close to an Italian restaurant where you can smell the garlic sometimes wafting through the air enticing you to just drop my for a bite. But I will control my cravings for a big bowl of pasta this or a few slices of pizza that. I have to or the only thing I will be “discovering” on Columbus Day is the fact that my waistline will start growing back out and I sure as hell don’t want that.

If you have a holiday have a good one and do yourself a favor and Google “Christopher Columbus.” You may or may not agree with the arguments for or against a holiday recognizing him but one thing would be certain…you would have probably opened your mind to new things and “discovered” something you never knew before.

Day fifty-nine.

It’s amazing how we are surrounded by reminders of time. They are all around us. I don’t just mean clocks, I mean photographs, trinkets, clothes (as in trying to fit into something years-old, or that you purchased, say, two years ago and remember), jewelry and even people. All of it and more remind us all that time is passing no matter how much we want to slow it down or stop it.

The first time I got a lesson in that was when I was about three or four. I just happened to be wide awake at dawn one day and the sky was that beautiful Royal Blue it turns on clear days before going light blue then orange, yellow then daylight. Anyway, it’s one of my most vivid memories because I shouted out to God “God, keep the sky like this forever!” I was way young and naive enough to believe that the pretty sky could stay one color (my favorite color) forever. As it slowly went from Royal Blue to the light of day I remember thinking “time doesn’t stop for anyone, does it.” And the answer is “silly boy, of course it doesn’t. Time waits for no one.”

As a lover of all things science fiction as I grew older I was completely fascinated by a 1980 television movie called “The Girl, The Gold Watch and Everything.” Based on the 1962 book by John D. MacDonald, the movie was about a guy who inherits a gold pocket watch that can stop time for everyone else except the person holding the watch. Of course, the wackiness ensues from there but I remember that show because I thought it was cool. I thought how awesome it would be to freeze a moment in time, watch it, breath it, take it all in and observe its every detail. There was even an inscription in the watch – “tempus unum hominem manet” (Latin for “time waits for one man”). Oh, how I wish that were so for if it were I would have done two definitive things…

…one, spent as much time with my mom as I could…

…two, not lose and waste as much time as I did, especially after her passing, to addictions, the most insidious thief of time there is.

Last night in my meeting we talked about withdrawl which is what actually got me thinking about time. I think about how much time is lost, but I also think about how much time, moving forward, is a gift not to be wasted. It is to be cherished and appreciated because it is something that always, ALWAYS, keeps slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future. When I realized how much time I had personally wasted I became ashamed and vowed never to waste it again.

When I decided to lose weight I did it just to stop aching watching a movie in a theater. I didn’t set out to lose the weight of a grown person but as I was doing it I knew it would take time to do (which for me was three-and-a-half years). Now that I have I cannot waste that gift. Not anymore. Today I’m going to my mixed martial arts workout to appreciate the life given back to me – the life I would not have if I were still at 400 pounds. If weight loss is your goal, what are you waiting for? There will never be a magic “start” time, or perfect set of circumstances with which to begin. Just begin because each day you delay what you want you get another day closer to inevitability.

There are so many people in this world who, in their last moments, say “I wish I would have done this or that.” Well, I don’t want to be one of those people. I never have, and you shouldn’t be, either. You are worth taking your life and time by the horns and guiding them where you want to go, especially if that involves weight loss. So many times WE are the ones in our own way. And why? Because we’re scared of success. Don’t be, because that success will mean you get to do the things you’ve always wanted to do so that when you look around at those subtle, and not-so-subtle, reminders of time we all have you will smile and feel uplifted and joyous and that is what will keep your skies Royal Blue.

So, c’mon. get up! Time’s a tickin’

Tick, tock. Tick, tock. Tick, tock…

Day Fifty-seven.

Did you guys ever watch “Lost In Space” when you were a kid? Of course, I wasn’t around when the original 60s show was on the air but I did catch them in reruns throughout my childhood and remember, very vividly, Dr. Smith, the mischievous stowaway (and comic relief) whose favorite way of complaining was to say “Oh, the pain…Oh, the pain…”

Well, my friends. Oh, the pain ! Do I ever ache today! And today is way better than yesterday!!! My sensei, the awesome Doug Shaffer, warned me that the first mixed martial arts workout back from being out for a bit was going to hurt. But, damn!!! He didn’t warn me my legs were gonna burn and feel like spaghetti for two days straight! Well, O.K., he actually did but I keep telling myself it’s a good pain (and I know it is). It’s just a bitch when I am trying to get back into the routine and my muscles ache like when I first started weight loss and martial arts fitness months ago.

It started out just as I expected. My body needed serious warming up. Sensei Doug invited me to come a few minutes early to check out the adult karate class going on as a sort of dual “get inspiration to jump back in”/”see some of the things we’ve learned put into use.” That was very cool, especially since I learned a neat block a potential clubbing move. Anywho…the time came for me to take to the mat and I started my day.

Sensei went easy on my to begin with, just some light punching of the bag, followed by kicking. But that’s when things started to get rough. We did line work, we did tricep dips (how I struggled to get through my usually good 20), we did push-ups (at least I did ten really good, almost full push-ups), more line work, ab rocking and kicking, more punching, more kicking, Turkish get-ups, lunges, the four corners…and despite the awesome stretches after it was enough to turn my limbs into little more than useless linguine. By the time my hour was over I was sweating but I could feel how much I hadn’t worked out…and how much I knew I was gonna feel it later.

Later that afternoon I took a really long as-close-to-hot-as-I-get shower and that seemed to help. “Seemed” being the operative word. Little did I know what was in store for me yesterday…

When I woke up it was as if I was being weighed down my a ton of bricks that burned my arms and legs (especially my legs) every time I tried to move. Oh yes, I felt every minute of that 60-minute workout. I know I’m gonna be a great old guy one day because all I wanted to do (besides moan and groan) was to sit in a nice comfy position with the greatest invention ever – the heating pad – and just not move. In other words, I sooooo wished I had the power of telekinesis (or the Force) to call things to me.

But, it was a good pain. It really was. One of the things I knew during my workout, besides that I knew I was gonna hurt) was how much I missed doing it. How much I missed being on the mat, hitting the bag and making myself sweat. Did my abs, arms, back and (most of all) legs hurt? You bet your ass. But it’s supposed to hurt. That’s why the word “work” is in workout. It is work but it’s work you put into yourself and that always feels good.

Today’s blog is late (and so sorry about that, loyal readers) due to a dental appointment today. However, I am going to try to make it to the gym later to begin my normal workouts again. Why? Because I am down to 241.0 today and that feels awesome! It’s better than the 243.3 I was on Friday and it’s better every day. So I can’t wait to hit the gym to do some elliptical work, as well as some extra tricep dips to catch myself back up. Yes, a workout hurts from time to time but always remember two things…

…one, whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger…

…two, pain is only temporary. Quitting lasts forever, and I sure as heck ain’t gonna quit my weight loss journey. No matter how much I feel my thighs burning from lunges today.

Day fifty-four.

Ah, the smell of fresh air. At least I can breath a little better today. And my energy level is up, too. Both awesome things after the past few days of dealing with a cold. I even ate really well yesterday. I had a reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee (extra crunch) from Dunkin’ Donuts, for lunch I had a bagel (not great but better than fast food) and for dinner I had steak and roasted potatoes. Damned tasty if you ask me. Amazing what resting does – it so helps get the body, and the mind, right again.

Today is the start of the weekend and the start of my catch-up time, taking care of things I couldn’t take care of because I was sick. Laundry, errands, writing, cleaning…all parts of life that got put on hold. I ended up not eating salad yesterday because I thought I needed a bit more protein than that and I was right. Even this morning I had the leftover steak along with some eggs to give myself a protein boost as I start my day. Also, tomorrow I restart taking my mixed martial arts classes. I haven’t been in a while and I know tomorrow’s class is gonna kick my ass, but that’s cool. According to my sensei, Doug Shaffer, the first one back is always a hard one and he should know. He’s been kind of under the weather, himself. So tomorrow’s class should be fun for us both.

But it is the weekend and my mind turns to getting back into routine. I am up in my weight and I can tell because I feel sluggish, bloated and bulky. Ugh. But I will get back on that horse starting this weekend so I can get to my goal of 225 again. I know I just need one good sweaty workout to get my mind back in the game. Until then I will do what I can to focus and continue eating better (and lighter).

You know, as we all enter the weekend and play catch-up time in our lives remember to make time for yourself. On my journey these past fifty-four days I am discovering, more and more, who I am in all of this. It turns out I like who I am, especially after peeling away the bullshit of addiction, bad behaviors, bad habits…everything. It is so great to remember joy and happiness, motivation and humanity. It is awesome. Very much so, it’s like that breath of fresh air I mentioned earlier.

When it all comes down to it we have to take care of ourselves. I used to have this phrase I employed in relation to politics, specifically the presidency, that I think applies here. I said that we need to be strong at home before we can be strong for the world. And oh, how that is true, and it applies in so many facets in life. A person needs to be strong in himself (and over his common cold) to be able to get back in the game and help others. A family needs a good foundation so that it can donate time and energies to volunteer projects and causes. And even the President needs to have a strong and fortified domestic policy and strong economy so that we, as a nation, can help other nations around the world. I mean it just doesn’t make sense to help others when there are people starving, sick and uneducated right here.

O.K., enough of my soapbox. The point is we all need a breath of fresh air sometimes. It doesn’t matter if we are getting over a cold or just need a break from the routine. We all need that air because we have to be strong to take care of ourselves. Once we can do that we can handle what life throws at us. And not only that, we can appreciate the blessings we enjoy every day including our continued better health and weight loss.

So tomorrow I will sweat my ass off again and start, once again, re-re-re-re-losing the extra weight I’ve gained. Afterward I will look up and thank God and my mom’s spirit and the universe for the strength to be able to do those things and not take them for granted anymore. Times a wasting if you do. Because in this thing we call life, if we don’t take care of ourselves and do right and better by others, we will find we have precious little time left to enjoy life and those breaths of fresh air.

Have a great weekend, my friends. Talk to you on Monday.

PS: Don’t forget to workout. I will, too.

Day forty-six.

You ever get a “wild hair?” That urge so strong to do something that it just takes over your actions until it comes to fruition? Well, these past weeks, which have been the most mentally healthy of my life, I have had a few wild hairs come across my mind to do, most notably the wild hairs to clean, to workout and to cook.

Take, for instance, last night. I had a wild hair to cook and cook Italian. I just had to smell garlic, tomatoes and onions saute in a pan with some olive oil. I don’t know why but I did. I wanted to feel like a chef, I guess, filling the house with the aroma of food being prepared. I love standing at the counter chopping vegetables and heating up a pan and throwing them in even though it’s hot as hell in the kitchen. Now, because I didn’t take all day to prepare a true “gravy” I used my saute to doctor some already made sauce (a sin, I know, but I will make a better “gravy” soon). Then I topped it off with a nice slices of Italian sausage. Damn, that was tasty and I ate only one portion. Now it was a slightly bigger portion than I should have had but the important thing is that there are leftovers and I stopped myself from eating more, and that’s a great thing.

I have also been finding I love doing things where I invest a bit of sweat-equity in myself. I love going to the gym and working out like I have these past few days. I love doing a half-hour on my elliptical, shadowboxing, roundhouse kicks, tricep dips (since I am still trying to put ammo in my “guns”), push-ups…the whole lot. I love going to my mixed martial arts class and having the sweat drip onto the mat (that’s an honor, by the way).  Most of all, I love seeing the numbers on my scale sloooooooly decrease (I am at 238.5 today) as I work toward re-reaching my goal of 225. And did I mention I can’t wait to workout again today?

Finally, I have really enjoyed the cleaning wild hair. I am just digging through crap and purging things I truly don’t need and finding out how much, well, crap there really was. This is mainly due to the work I have been doing mentally and emotionally. I purging crap there, too. That is how you know good work is being done – when you can get down to the core of the matter and see what caused X, Y and Z which helps you with A, B and C. And did you guys know hoarding is a way of dealing with abandonment issues? I sure as hell didn’t until my therapist told me. But it makes all the sense in the world.Also, as I get down to things and purge I find it is helping me not binge eat, too. So amazing how that all ties together.

Well, all I can say is that these wild hairs have been most beneficial to me lately. They are part of the stuff helping make me an evolving and better man, one who is changing a little bit every day to be healthier. And it’s certainly working for my weight loss, too. Not only am I cooking more these days but I’m curbing my consumption levels again (which is helping bring that weight down more and more) AND saving a shitload of money in the process. Amazing what NOT eating out all the time can do, eh?

Well, that’s all I got for today. A short and sweet blog to help keep you going. Oh, and if you get one of those wild hairs to take time for yourself, listen to them and do them. You won’t be sorry because nothing feels as good as when you are working on you for a change.

Day forty-five.

My friends,  since I don’t know what time of day you usually catch all the blog that’s fit to type (thank you, New York Times) I will wish you good day. I feel so energized today for two reasons: one, I had a wowzer of a twelve-step meeting last night and I am down in my weight thanks to some mighty powerful positive energy and a kick-ass workout yesterday at the gym.

Let’s start with the gym…

I know I’ve said this before but I am sticking to my guns now – I am making working out my religion again. No, there is nothing that replaces God, but working out makes me feel, well, “high.” It gives me both a physical and mental boost and I got the chance yesterday to work out – both physically and mentally – a lot of the demons that had come to visit these past couple of days.  It felt good to employ much of what my sensei Doug Shaffer is teaching me about mixed martial arts as part of my workout. I did leg work and arm work. Hell, I even did roundhouse kicks and had a great day with my ever-aging hip. I did my tricep dips, push-ups and shadowboxing (which works up a sweat by itself). Also , I am eating better, too. That is the vital co-component to any weight loss, don’t forget. I am working out AND also not eating the comfort foods, and I am drinking more water. Because of that I am enjoying my new downward trend, thank you very much. Even with just a few days of recommitment I saw a 239.2 on my scale today, and I so can’t wait to hit the gym again today. Woohoo!!!!

As for my twelve-step meeting last night I have to say it was a whopper. You’ve heard me talk about my meetings before but last night I attended such a powerful meeting I just have to share. I will never betray the tenets of the meetings (meaning I will never discuss details, names, etc.) but suffice it to say I am a true believer in those meetings. They offer places in which individuals from all walks of life can  let it all out and allows people to  express themselves – whether through anger, sadness, contemplation or happiness – in the safest, most non-judgmental environments. We are all there for various reasons connected through addiction, but I pray for some of those people sometimes. I really do, especially in a world that would shun, ridicule, belittle or make fun of us for even being there. At least for that hour we are safe from all that BS, and our shame, anger, worry, resentment and misery all have company.

When I left that meeting I looked up at the sky and thanked God for the positive things and people in my life, because many people in that room do not have that going for them, and many also have other addictions they are fighting, not the least of which is food – something to which I can totally relate. That’s why I was so jazzed to hit the gym. Working out centers me. It lets me know I am putting sweat-equity into myself and doing work on myself both spiritually and physically. It helps me make “living amends” to myself and others and keeps me on the path to be that better man.

Have a wonderful, positive day, my friends. Go and conquer the world, or at least your parts of it. You are so worthy of success in whatever form, but especially in weight loss. If losing weight is your goal, go for it. I am proud of you and with you 100%. And I know this blog is rambly today and I apologize. I am still in utter appreciation, wonder and, admittedly, shock over some of the things I heard last night. And even when I might not feel O.K.  I will be O.K. We all will be because of one simple thing…we are here now, and present in our own lives and that makes all the difference in the world. And  I am going to do my best to stay here and be here for as long as I am here.

Hear, hear!