Determined To Succeed

Day twenty-three.

“Ugh.” That’s all I have to say. I am finally up and around today after having a massive allergy attack last night. You know the kind I mean. The ones where you sneeze yourself into a headache (where you can’t stop sneezing at all), where your eyes are all puffy, throat is all drippy and nothing seems to help much. So I say again, “ugh!” Although, and on a positive note,  I did alright food-wise having had a great homemade beef stew. Not only that but only having an appropriate portion of it, too. This way I have lunch AND dinner tonight as well. Awesome.

It just sucks ass when your sick. That sneezing, head-achy allergy attack turned into something of a summer cold and my throat is dry and hurting today. Now, the good news about all that is that I do not feel like eating. The bad news is I don’t feel much like doing anything today except, well, laying around saying “ugh.”

Let’s talk for a moment about the virtues of lying on one’s couch flipping channels. You get to catch up on talk shows, game shows and “reality” TV (reality is in quotes because, if you know anything about TV, there ain’t much of it that’s real. It’s contrived and staged with heroes, villains and victims just like scripted TV shows). Or, you get to catch up on a good book or a few movies, whether they’re on cable or in your DVD cue. You get to curl up with one of the best inventions ever – the heating pad – and just be a slug, allowing your body to get the rest it needs to get better.

Now, let’s talk about the bad parts of just lying around. Nothing gets done. Not work, exercise, errands, exercise, laundry, exercise, cleaning and, most of all, exercise (did I mention that already?). And when you do flip channels you realize that the only thing on the tele is crap because 90% of the country is at work so they put on reruns of crap, marathons of whichever “Housewives of” show is being aired and show you what antics Snooki and Jwoww are up to at the “Jersey Shore.” And never mind the fact cable, especially premium channels, are running the same three movies ALL THE TIME. I mean seriously, how many times can the Decepticons take revenge against the Autobots while Shia LaBeouf yells “no, no, no, no, no, no!”

So there’s my catch 22. Rest or push myself. The fact of the matter with me is that I do embrace being sick, I do, and I am content with lying around putting up with bad TV and excessive reruns if it gets me better faster so I can rejoin life. But with these extra pounds to lose I am torn. I wish I could sneeze them out and throw them away in little wadded-up balls of tissue. But I can’t. It takes work, work (and workouts) that I have almost zero energy for today.

So maybe I will compromise with myself. I will get going and do some work and maybe, MAYBE, if I am up to it, go for a walk later. At least that will be something. And it might do me well to get out for a bit and let the hot end-of-summer air work its magic on my nostrils and nasal cavities. That sounds good, but then again so does my couch. Alright, alright, I will get up though and do something to start.

Thanks for listening to me rant today. Being in a weight loss struggle ain’t easy, especially when you’re sick. But good and bad, we are in this together. Hopefully, I will be better enough to kick the bag decently tomorrow in martial arts class. Hell, even the energy for that walk today would be good. But no matter what, I am just thankful to be here, present and sober today. And sick or not, that is an amazing feeling, even when you start the day saying “ugh.”

Happy Monday, everyone.

I might have mentioned to you guys once or twice before how much I love movies. I know it’s hard to tell, what with all my movie references and all but this past weekend got me thinking about one particular movie, the remake of “The Italian Job,” and one of it’s lines as it pertains to weight loss.

There is a big deal in the movie made about responding to the question “how do you feel” with the answer “fine.” You see, in the movie Donald Sutherland explains to Mark Wahlberg that “fine” is an acronym that stands for being:

freaked-out

insecure

neurotic

emotional

In weight loss it is so easy to get caught up in definitions of things. Heavy, light, good, bad…you know the standards. But today I want to tell you how fine “fine” really is, for you see “fine” can have at least three definitions but one of them is really O.K.

What brought all this up? Well, over the weekend I met a person who was pretty down about their weight. You could tell it in their demeanor and how they talked about themselves and others, and all I wanted to do was reach across the table and say how cool and groovy they were. I wanted to say how absolutely wonderful they were and not to be injured by the slings and arrows of others words and put-downs, especially their own. I wanted to say how the weight will be gone one day and that they were awesome no matter what their weight is and worth it enough to begin the journey.

What came out of my mouth was “you look fine.”

I reflected about that a bit yesterday because of “The Italian Job.” Believe me, I know what it’s like going through life feeling “F.I.N.E.” because I was heavier. I was always freaked out about things like my health, my escalating high blood pressure, arthritis, etc. I was always insecure because of how I knew I looked. Hell, I even made not one but two (TWO!) chairs buckle under my weight. It was awful. I was neurotic because I was always oversensitive going into situations, especially social ones, where I knew my size would work against me. Most of all, I was always emotional because being overweight always (ALWAYS) makes you emotional. I was always reminded how uncomfortable I was doing things (seats are small to begin with at a ballpark but damn, at 400 lbs they’re impossible). I was always angry and sad I was going down this road not knowing how to stop.  I was, in a word, “F.I.N.E.”

But, over these years of weight loss and maintenance I have come to realize that definition of “fine” is only one definition of fine. There are at least two more – one not-so-great and the other one awesome.

The not-so-great fine is the fine you get/feel when you think on the scale of 1-through-10 you are a 5. Nothing special. Just O.K. Like the old jokes go, never tell a spouse they look “fine.” I get it, I totally do, and I can understand how when you are “F.I.N.E.” hearing you look fine really can be a total bummer. But that’s only the not-so-great version of fine.

The fine I embrace is the fine that says I am just as good as everyone else. It is the fine that says I am doing well today. It is the fine that makes me feel worthy. It has no emotion behind it other than I am an equal and that feels good. In my weight loss journey I longed to be this kind of fine because this kind of fine represented me being just like other people and not defined by my size, food choices or breaking chairs. I “fit in,” literally and figuratively. I was seen as a person, a flesh-and-blood human regardless of weight and in those moments it was bliss to finally feel fine.

Being a writer I sometimes choose my words very carefully (sometimes I have the tact of a gladiator using a broad sword in an operating room) especially when speaking to someone I know is sensitive about weight. You sometimes have nanoseconds to choose the words you are going to say and when I say them they are as correct as I can make them at the time. So if you ever run into me and you are of-size, don’t worry if I tell you “you look fine” or “you are fine.” I know your pain, discomfort, awkwardness, emotions and longing. And when I say the word “fine” in reference to you take it not the way you think about it but the way it is truly and deeply intended…

…to let you know how cool you are, that you are just as awesome a human being as everyone else, thin or not, and that you are far, far more than the number on your scale. So sit down, chat a while and know, finally, that you really are (and have always been) one of the cool kids at the cool table.

Today’s weather is almost the perfect way to describe how I am feeling. It is partly sunny, but the winds are really blustery and it’s chilly (well, chilly for here – about 45-degrees or so). The clouds want to be the pretty, poofy clouds seen at the beginning of “The Simpsons” but there are also smatterings of grey rain clouds thrown in, as well. Yes, an unusual mix of the weather for a different kind of day.

It’s Mother’s Day and the first one I am spending without my mom, JoAnn. I have to say it is making me feel very tender inside, like a wound that has scabbed over on the surface but is still raw and unhealed underneath. I guess it’s always going to feel that way, and that’s OK. It just means I miss my Mama.

Today is also a bit askew because of my mouth and dental issues. It seems that I had what’s known as a food impaction. Because of the way I chew I bit off a piece of my new filling which, in turn, caused food to get down into an area between my teeth. While it was slightly infected and definitely swollen and painful (they spent lots of time just cleaning out the area to get all the ick out), it could have been and gotten much worse (like abscess worse) if I didn’t go when I did.

Needless to say I didn’t feel much like being a carnivore yesterday. Oh sure I wanted to bite down into a nice juicy burger but I was so damned scared I would do something to my mouth again I stuck with liquidy foods – soup and shakes – to get me through (Chick-Fil-A has an awesome, AWESOME, peach shake).

Today I am still going to take care of my mouth by eating softer foods but I might graduate myself to some pasta or something like that. We will see. But the primary goal is not to give in to my emotional eating today. Being that it’s the first Mother’s Day where I don’t get to pick up the phone today to wish Mama a happy Mother’s Day, I am soooo tempted to give in to the foods that we both loved so much – Chinese food (there must be some place that serves a decent beef chop suey around here, although I have yet to find it), plain Hershey candy bars, Coke (or Pepsi, since she was a die-hard Pepsi drinker), oh just anything that would help my insides feel warm and full. I know it wouldn’t take away the pain of my mom being gone but it is tempting to try to fill the void at least for a while with food.

On the other hand I know it’s wrong to think that way. I have been doing so good and am on track to lose the remainder of that next hard-fought-for pound by tomorrow, Tuesday at the latest, and I have to keep that up. I am within my “battle of the final ten” and I will win this. I also know that food is a false friend when used like that. Sure it is there. It’s there at every turn if, when and how you want it. “Have it your way,” after all. Right? But just because I can get anything served to me at any time doesn’t mean I should have it. Food, in this case, is a false friend come to stay only for a short while. One who leaves you with pounds and pounds of baggage when it leaves, and it always leaves.

So I take a deep breath and get ready to start the day. I know that the weather outside is a weird mix but, then again, so am I at times. I feel the loss of my mom but also feel and remember the happy memories we shared along the way and that makes me happy and one of the luckiest people on this earth. I also got the privilege of having our last words to each other be “I love you,” which so, so many people don’t get to have when they lose loved ones. That was truly a blessing and a gift and one I will not squander with the nearest cheeseburger – no matter how good having one sounds.

I sincerely hope you guys out there who still have your moms spend lots of good time with them today. And for those of you out there who are moms you are wonderful people with the most important job in the world. And from a son whose mom did a wonderful job I can honestly say we need kicks in the butt just as much as we need that encouragement. It may not be what we want but it is what we need. Thank you.

And in honor of my mom, who so loved going to the movies (especially sci-fi, fantasy and action movies) and instilled that love of film in me, I will end this blog today with one of the finest movie quotes ever about moms, this one from the movie “The Crow…”

“Mother is the name for God on the lips and hearts of all children.”

Yes it is. Yes it is.

I love you mom, very much. And I will do my best with food today and not eat too much. Promise.

OK, my weight loss blog today is a little tangential. So please forgive me. I eventually do get to the point. I just need a little exposition to set up the story…

You guys know me well enough to know how much I love movies. You’re saying to yourself “gee. I never would have figured that out, Larson. You only show tons of posters and quote movies at least once a week.” Yeah, I know. But today there’s a quote I’m gonna use and it’s one I don’t wanna use.

“There’s something wrong.”

Even though it has many variations this phrase has been used countless times in movies to signal a shift in the momentum from bad to good, to herald something action-oriented coming, etc. Here are some examples that come to mind:

“There’s something wrong! They’re coming back down!” – said by the Huey Lewis-looking bad guy from the original “Die Hard” to baddie Hans Grueber played by the always awesome Alan Rickman.

“There’s something not right here. I feel cold…death.” – said by Luke Skywalker to Yoda in “The Empire Strikes Back” (yes, of course I had to throw in a Star Wars quote as there is one for everything).

“Sir, we have a serious problem. This freeway isn’t finished.” – SWAT guy to Joe Morton’s SWAT leader, Lt. McMahon, in “Speed.”

No matter who uses this phrase or its derivations something’s afoot and something’s out of place. Like the teeth in my mouth

Ugh. I think I told you guys a few days ago that I had my mouth worked on a bit by the dentist. Like a ten-year-old I had to get fillings (two of them, actually) in the bottom rear of my mouth on Wednesday. While it was quite fun having the lower right quadrant of my face numb for several hours my mouth and teeth felt like there’s “something wrong/not right/we have a serious problem.” I knew they beat my mouth up pretty good just getting the damn things in but sheesh! I knew I shouldn’t have felt any pain after a day or so.

Again, that was Wednesday/Thursday.

What does all this mean for yours truly? How does this tie in to weight loss and maintenance? Well…if I can’t see the dentist until Monday or so it looks like I am eating quite lightly this weekend. Not that I hadn’t planned on it anyway but I’m talking the kind of stuff that doesn’t require chewing. Soup, uh soup and possibly more soup. You know how it gets when your mouth hurts, you don’t wanna eat anything. Well, I am in that boat today.

Has this ever happened to you guys? This good news/bad news kind of thing? Good news is I KNOW I won’t eat as much this weekend. Bad news is my teeth and gums hurt causing me to not have much of an appetite. Grrrrr. I know we all look for the perfect appetite suppressant at one point or another on a weight loss journey but this is slightly ridiculous – no matter how weirdly positive it may affect my waistline.

So I may make that 233-pound weight goal after all by Monday, just not the way I planned. And why?

Because “There’s something wrong…” – Bill to the best readers, fans and friends in the world in the greatest movie of all time (no! Not “Avatar”)…real life.

There is a definite difference between a nerd, geek and dork. In my opinion, everyone “geeks out” over something because everyone has a passion. Whether that passion is for a TV show or movie, book, potted plant, animal, career, hobby or person it is that passion that drives us to want to learn more about that something. And that drive combined with our passion defines “geeking out.”

By now you guys must have figured out I am something of a geek for not just movies in general (which I am) but for sci-fi especially. One of my favorite things in the sci-fi universe is “Star Trek.” I’ve loved “Star Trek” in all of its forms (except maybe for the weak TV show “Enterprise” and the first few seasons of “Star Trek: Voyager”) since I was a kid. My mom turned me on to that show when all we had was a 13-inch black & white TV. She said, ” here. Watch this. It’s really good and you’ll like it.” And not only did I like it, I loved it. It was cheesy, and corny, but even at that age so was I and just the thought of meeting new species and exploring space, boldly going, was awesome and opened my mind to so many things. Things that, to this day, carry me through my weight loss journey. (Thanks, Mama. I love you)

At the beginning or end of “Star Trek” a voice would utter the now all-too-familiar words “Space. The Final Frontier.” I forget sometimes that, for some, grappling with weight issues is their final frontier. They can be successful is so many other aspects of their lives except when it comes to simply facing what the number will be on the scale. In this they get scared, anxious, resentful, angry and sad – emotions that keep them from exploring the uncharted galaxies of their own potential in weight loss.

I hear so many stories about people who simply avoid the scale altogether, too. Those same emotions, combined with the ignorant and asinine comments of idiots in this world, make something as simple as a first step onto a scale seem like you want to climb Mount Everest.

I have written many times about journeys. No, not the Steve Perry kind (although he should really bury the hatchet and return to the band) but the kind we take in trying to lose weight. I am very fond of saying the journey of a thousand weight loss miles begins with a single step. However I was reminded yesterday that sometimes the first step in that trek can be the scariest and hardest step of all.

I know exactly what it feels like to get weirded out when buying stuff in a store. For many people they feel that way when standing in the local Target figuring out which electronic scale to buy. They get all self-conscious, weird, panicky, sweaty and nervous and just leave. But, my friends, we are all on this journey, this trek, together. That electronic scale is the best friend you will ever have in any weight loss attempt. It will be that friend who never lies or tries to make you feel better. It is honest and true and exactly what you need to begin. It will also be there as you travel that long road and help you set what will eventually be your finish line.

All there is left to do is “boldly go.” It sounds simple but I know it’s not.

I have so been there before. I really have. Being 400 lbs. you bet your ass I have been there before. But I am proof positive you do some out on the other side. It can happen. It does happen. And I have charted many strange, new worlds along my journey. I sought out, and continue to seek out) new foods in new civilizations and cultures so I can “boldly go” where I want to go…the land of living a long and happy life and enjoying a healthier relationship with food.

Yes, weight really can be “the final frontier” for some. But for everyone out there stuck on or near the launch pad…once you finally begin there is no limit to your own potential and what awaits you is a universe of endless potential and possibility.

So as a true child of the 70s/80s remember the words of the immortal Casey Kasem, “keep your feet on the ground (in this case your scale) and keep reaching for the stars.”

Did you watch the Oscars last night? I know I did. It is my holiday. It is my Superbowl. It is my World Series. It is my Wimbledon, Daytona 500 and Masters all rolled into one golden eight-and-a-half pound statue made in my sweet home Chicago.

But I was sick yesterday and as I night wore on I regressed. Maybe I pushed myself too hard in staying up so late. I don’t know but for whatever reason this cold has embedded itself in my chest like “Alien” (although I wish I could cough it all out and finally feel better).

As I hunkered down on the sofa watching Hollywood’s big night I had a wonderful (and healthy) beef barley soup (soup IS good food, especially for the sick). In-between bowls I thought about these Oscars. Were there many surprises? Not in my book. I was involved in two Oscar pools and except for the documentary (short and long-form), animated short and the surprise of “Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Saphire” winning Best Adapted Screenplay and that weird, overbearing woman doing a Kanye and just taking over the damn microphone from the guy when Best Documentary Short was announced, I have to say the Oscars were very, very predictable this year.

How does this equate to food? Well, I started thinking about Oscar foods. No, not the kind made by a certain Wolfgang Puck for the various parties in La-La-Land. I mean the kinds of potluck dishes people can make next year for their own Oscar parties.

Let’s take some of the winners and turn them into yummy foods, desserts and drinks:

You could offer from “Inglorious Custards” a Christoph Meat-Baltz (I mean really. Who doesn’t love a good meatball as an appetizer or sandwich. There’s also “The Blind Side Dishes” dessert somewhere featuring “Candy” Bullock or from “Glazy Tarts,”  Jeff (potato) Ridges.

This one’s a tie. A toss up between “The Yo-Gurt Locker” or “The Hurt Meat Locker” (whether you go with a healthier dessert theme or an anti-pasta you can’t really blow this – HA!)

For those who are thirsty you could have “The Beery Kind (especially since Jeff Bridges was loaded most of the time in “Crazy Heart”) or plain old 7-”Up” (although that one’s almost too easy).

“The Young Pigtoria” (everything tastes better with bacon and maybe scallops wrapped in bacon would be a good way to honor this Oscar winner for Costume Design)

And finally, the biggest box-office champ of all-time – “AVATAR.” These might sound bad but you could try “Caviartar” (if your party is REALLY high-end and you like fish eggs on crackers from Russia), or if not a food you could post a sign on your bathroom calling it the “Lavatar” for the night (that one even made me chuckle a bit).

Whatever kind of event gets you going (NASCAR, golf, tennis, baseball or football), if you’re gonna have fattening foods at these things make them fun but remember to have them in moderation, planning for them both before the event and after. In the meantime we have another year of movies to see, places to go and snacks to eat.  Just try to cut back on the popcorn (it’s horrible for you) and sneak in your own healthier food instead.

Shhhhhh. Don’t tell ‘em I said that. Enjoy the movies.

It is raining in southern New Jersey. A slow, steady rain that makes a day perfect for movie watching.

Going to the “show” as we called it was probably the top on the list of favorite things to do with my mom. On Sundays when I was a kid we’d get the Sunday paper, a couple of fresh sweet rolls from the bakery and her coffee and we’d read the paper. But while she read the news I’d flip to the entertainment/movie section to see what movies were going to open up that following Friday, read about the celebrities starring in them and see what the new posters looked like.

My mom started taking me to the movies when I was five years old. At least I think I was five because I knew I saw a couple of movies before “Star Wars” and I saw that when I was six. Hell, I not only went to the movies that young I saw crap no child should see. Stuff like “Jan Michael Vincent’s “White Line Fever,” and Diane Keaton’s and Richard Gere’s “Looking For Mr. Goodbar.” Those films were “Rated R” but my mom did something every parent should do…

…she told me “son, you know everything you see up there isn’t real.”

That simple sentence was all it took to take away the fear of horror flicks, the seeming brutality and reality of murder/thrillers and the danger of action movies. In other words, it was my mom wrapping me up in a security blanket of knowledge. That even though she surrendered me to the film for two hours she never stopped protecting me from what I saw on-screen. That was awesome and I will always love her for doing that.

But there was one time though that made me smile above all others going with my mom to the movies. It was summer of 1982, which was a decent year for films. We took the 6 Jeffrey Express bus downtown from Hyde Park and transferred to the 151 Sheridan and headed to Water Tower Place, Chicago’s signature downtown mall. Unlike most malls we’re used to this mall was built up (a necessity for any mall constructed in the middle of downtown Chicago). And nestled inside on the mezzanine level back by the Lord & Taylor and popcorn shop were the Water Tower Theaters (which, unfortunately, no longer exist).

That day I was so excited. We were going to see “Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan” for the up-teenth time. You see, it was no longer playing at the theater across the street from us (my beloved Hyde Park Theater) so we had to go downtown to see it. The film (tied with the newest “Star Trek” as the best “Trek” film ever) was amazing and was over all too soon. But my mom, my beautiful, sweet and wonderfully sneaky mom said “Hey. Wanna see E.T.?”

I was confused, but I took my mom’s hand as she quietly led us into the theater about to show E.T. I was so scared. We were being so bad sneaking into a “free-ture” (free feature) but I didn’t care. My mom was at that moment the coolest mom, ever, and she was sneaking me in to see the biggest movie of all-time (at least in the days before we knew what the hell an “Avatar” was).

We watched E.T. (and yes, I cried) and it was awesome. I was having such a great movie day with my mom. And afterward, as we left the theater we walked by the teenage ushers, who I was convinced were going to throw us both in jail and throw away the key. But they did nothing. They said nothing. Hell, I don’t think they even noticed – or cared. And if they did, who cares.

The most important thing in the world was that I was with my mom, the person to whom I owe my love of movies. And while I never will be able to repay the wonderful feeling of that special day 28 years ago (God, has it been that long already), I hope she knows how much I think of her every time I go to my local multiplex…

…or stay home on a rainy day, curled up on the couch, watching my favorite movies.

Those are the best days ever.

What would you do if you found some money? Does it make a difference how much money? Would you try to find its owner whether it was five bucks, or a hundred or a thousand? Would you return cash that fell off the back of an armored car? Chew on that for a bit while I tell you about the flick I saw yesterday, “Armored.”

The more and more you read my reviews the more you will see I’m an action movie junkie. Don’t get me wrong. I love dramas, comedies, art films, rom coms, everything. But give me something with guns blazing, high speed chases and explosions and I’m so there.

When I saw the trailer for “Armored” I was hooked not just for those reasons but it’s really good cast. Laurence Fishburne (The Matrix), Jean Reno (The Professional), Milo Ventimiglia (Heroes)…yeah. Ticket, please…

But what started out as a promising story – a down-on-his-luck/money/family rookie guard for an armored truck company is coerced by his veteran coworkers to steal a truck containing $42 million. But a wrinkle in their supposedly foolproof plan divides the group, leading to deadly consequences – soon turned into a textbook example of how sloppy writing and some bad direction can ruin the last five minutes of a film.

Was I completely displeased with “Armored,” No. There are far worse movies I’ve seen this year. But, without giving too much away, the last scene of the film should have played out differently to stay true to the characters involved. It is in these characters’ interactions and lines that I lost the ability to say I really recommend this flick. The end should have played out differently. It should have. It should have been directed better. The actors should have known their characters enough to know it should have ended on a more emotional note. But no. It didn’t, so the film absolutely deflates for me.

All told, if you see this you could do worse. But you can certainly do better with other heist flicks. One that comes to mind is called “Heist” with Gene Hackman and Delroy Lindo. Another is “The Spanish Prisoner” with Steve Martin. Hell, even the original “Ocean’s 11” with Frank Sinatra has such a killer twist ending it will leave you speechless.

So did you think about what you’d do with “found” money? During this holiday season, if you do find money, unless you ABSOLUTELY need it for gas, food or a friend hard on their luck, donate it to charity and spread the joys we can sometimes take for granted. There is always someone worse off who could use a smile and $20 to get them from one day to the next.

And don’t rush out to see “Armored.” I just don’t want you to feel ripped off. As poorly as it did at the box office on its opening weekend you may not have long to pay to see it anyway.

Matt Dillon … Mike Cochrone

Jean Reno … Quinn

Laurence Fishburne… Baines

Amaury Nolasco… Palmer

Fred Ward … Duncan Ashcroft

Milo Ventimiglia… Eckehart

Skeet Ulrich … Dobbs

Columbus Short… Ty Hackett

Andre Kinney … Jimmy Hackett (as Andre Jamal Kinney)

Andrew Fiscella… Dispatcher #1

Nick Jameson … Homeless Man

Glenn Taranto … Joe the Cook

Lorna Raver … Child Welfare Agent

Garry Guerrier … Federal Guard

Robert Harvey … Bank Guard

Runtime: 88 min
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for sequences of intense violence, some disturbing images and brief strong language