Determined To Succeed

Sometimes it’s really hard to get over the hump.

Today is Wednesday (Hump Day) and I can’t tell you how hard it was to just get out of bed today. You know what those days feel like, where you almost have to trick yourself into thinking the rest of the world is better than the safe and warm cocoon of sheets, comforters, pillows and blankets. And even though I am up now (grrrrrr) and writing (fueled by a fairly decent cup of hot coffee), I still am shaking myself awake trying to jump-start my brain into joing the rest of me in the world of the awake and moving especially before my martial arts training this afternoon.

You all know I’ve been at a standstill with my weight lately. I seem to hover right around that 237 mark, which is O.K. but not as good as I want it to be. I so want to be back at 225. This is my hump and I am trying to get over it. I have been eating alright (grilled meats instead of fried, a Coke Zero instead of a full-on Coca-Cola) but just alright, meaning I am here at the hump, kind of like the yoga push-ups my sensei Doug Shaffer has be do. They are slightly different because of where you place your arms and chin, and they are hard as hell. However, when we do them in class I inch closer and closer to being able to do one without it being my fat man’s push-up – the kind where the belly sags and the back isn’t straight when you lift off the ground.

One of these days I’m gonna do a solid push-up. One of these days I’m gonna get over that hump. One of these days…

Now I am going to admit something. I admit that sometimes I do eat too much of a good/better thing, and too much of a good thing can be bad. I have been on something of an emotional eating kick lately, too. It’s also not easy to say this but I am still really freaking disappointed by not advancing in the Oprah thing. That would have been one hell of an opportunity and for reasons both karmic and Hollywood, I’m sure, they decided not to use me.  That hurt a lot and I am at a mental hump of  HOW to keep moving forward and to WHAT?! (grrrrr, and he takes another sip of hot yummy coffee). So I have been turning to comfort foods, well new and healthier ones, as a way to ease that bruised ego of mine. Believe me when I tell you I am mad at myself for doing that (both still being upset and for overeating) so one way I know over my hump is to stop doing that and will myself into knowing that I don’t need as much food (that the rest of the world is better than the safe harbor of food no matter how healthy it is). Another way is to beat the shit out of that bag when I hit the class these afternoons. I may go to martial arts class but I need to step it up a bit when I am not in class. Muscle definition is coming but it ain’t here yet. And even when it is I can’t rest. I have to keep going.

There are humps in our lives, and whether you take them as mountains to climb or stumbling blocks littering the smooth paths we walk, we have them. They are unavoidable, it’s just how we deal with them that’s the true test of our mettle. It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s weight loss. In my case it is both. I want to keep succeeding in weight loss and maintenance and I know what I need to do to do that…to get over that hump and get back to my goal. I don’t know, however, to get over the hump of career choices and paths. I once thought I’d be doing well with that Oprah thing and now – poof. I just need to breathe and keep on keeping on, I guess.

Hump day means so many things for so many different people. For some it is literally what it was intended to describe – the point in the week where what we earn monetarily is now for us and not for taxes. For others, it’s the figurative working for ourselves and the process of getting to our goals. But no matter how you slice it time keeps on slippin’, slippin’, slippin’ into the future. Our hairs get greyer, our joints get creakier (and believe me, when I heard my hip pop last week it was freaky). But no matter what, we have to get over these humps. We should get over these humps.We can get over these humps.

No matter the hump, the battle to overcome it begins with the mind. As for me, it’s about getting my mind around the whats and hows and whens. Once I do that I’m good…

…with the help of a nice hot crunchy cup of coffee, that is.

Hey there. Hi there. Ho there. Although, I guess I shouldn’t say “ho there,” especially since I journey back to the Big Apple today to drop off some demo reels and stuff to agents and could very well pass a few while walking up and down the streets of Manhattan. You never know where they could be lurking (just kidding).

Yesterday, I had another awesome martial arts workout with my sensei, Doug Shaffer. We worked on my abs yesterday. Ugh! Man oh man, did they feel that yesterday! I did everything from crunches to some other kind of crunch, to a rolling-on-the-floor-on-your-back-to-keep-an-aggressor-in-your-sights kind of move – all designed to give you a better ab workout. And they did. And the stretches I did after the session helped keep the after effects to a minimum (actually, at this point I only feel it in one hip – not bad). But I absolutely love kicking and punching the bag. What a release!

Today’s test of Bill Power will come from resisting food in the City That Never Sleeps. You know me and my addiction/fascination with a particular Halal cart and its yummy-ass food. I know, I know. I said I would have whatever I wanted to eat on my weight loss journey but I was bad enough last week and am trying my best to re-re-re-re-lose my weight so I don’t need more rice, bread and Greek sauce gumming up my increasingly-better works. But the grilled chicken, on the other hand, might make for a great lunch. I will have to see.

I am excited to go to New York today. Above and beyond eating, today’s trip is me getting back on track after the disappointment of finding out I was not a finalist in the online Oprah thing. As I explained before, my emotional eating over that result was my way of controlling what I could in the situation, turning my sub into the path of the oncoming torpedoes so I didn’t get scuttled. And now I’m getting back out there to go live my dreams or go down trying. It will always be better to say you tried than saying you didn’t try at all, and that is for weight loss and anything in life.

I also have to tell you guys I have gone “cold turkey” on the Cokes, too. I knew I had to. They may be my one truest weakness but if those ab exercises are ever going to work to get me six-pack abs and not a 24-case of flabs then I need to lay off the drink. I have also been eating way better these last few days – chicken and other proteins, watching portions and drinking water. That combined with the exercises should get me back to the Battle of the Final Ten soon enough then on-track to re-reach that ultimate goal of 225.

Funny. There are times, like in the movie “Real Genius,” when a complete meltdown is exactly what you need to get yourself on the right path. It took me a couple of days and a few really bad meals to get back on track and say “enough of this! I’m gonna do this no matter what.” It may sound cheesy but it’s true. It’s true I tell ya.’

Today’s blog is going to be short and sweet (and admittedly disjointed – sorry about that) so I can get my ass on the road. And my workout today will consist of walking to four different offices in a big ass city that are probably miles apart when the blocks in-between are added up. But that is O.K., too. I planned it that way and walks can be very, very good for not just the body but the soul, as well.

So get up, everybody! Leave all that blah behind and seize your day! Make the most of it for yourself. Join me in taking a walk today to get back to it all. I may be in New York and you at work but take a walk, even if it’s one circuit around your office building. Or go walk your dogs and cats (saying “ho there” if you happen to see any – just kidding again) and remember no matter what is going on, if you fall off and have a bad eating or non-exercise day,  you will get back on track. And that, my friends, is what a journey is all about. I will fill you in tomorrow on all the fun and exciting happenings today.

Oh, and I better not get a damned parking ticket! As much as I work out these days, it’s those fines that really make me sore.

Wow. The rain finally stopped. It was pouring down rain this morning and it was beautiful. Like the soft break in the Bob Seger song “Night Moves” goes – “I woke last night to the sound of thunder. How far off I sat and wondered…” Well, OK, it was this morning in which I woke to the sound of thunder but it was good and it was a good rain. A great rain, actually. A great cleansing one that washes away the crap and makes way for the new.

How absolutely cool that this rain comes the day after “the big reveal” to you guys. It comes after a night of having Chinese food, too. Yes, I had it again but I knew I needed it.  I embraced my desired to eat badly so I could face the emotions tied to them head on, like when Sean Connery turned the sub into the path of the oncoming torpedoes in “The Hunt for Red October.” He did it so they wouldn’t explode and sink him and I did the same.

Funny. There’s that water thing again.

I so wish the outcome of the Oprah contest had been different. But that’s O.K. That’s life, and the disappointment did trigger others thoughts and fears (and demons) and out of those I sought comfort food. Sometimes it’s how I deal with stress (like when my face breaks out – a sure sign of it). But when these things happen it means I have “bottomed out” in that situation and this one is no different.

To use with generosity a quote the Pretenders, “We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” That is me. I am a hopeless romantic dreamer and a believer in those dreams. I am an optimist, even when mired in the crap that is usually washed away by a great rain. I just needed these last few days to absolutely lick my wounds, because that optimist saw a million ways this could have gone right, and not any the ways that it wouldn’t.

Is that bad? No. It is merely human. We all want our dreams to go well, especially when our hearts and minds are equally involved. Damn, that is so right. And I don’t know about you but when I set my mind on something look out- I usually do make it happen. Usually, although not in this case. Every now and then, life IS out of your hands and we can only control the things we have the power to control, like our reactions to things such as a rejection from what would have been a cool TV opportunity.

I emotionally eat and stress eat because I tend to throw myself out there and take chances. The food is the part I can control so I do, sometimes for the good but sometimes for the bad. And in my mind there are voices that say “dude, it could have ended up being a crappy experience.” I’ll never know, it’s a crapshoot either way. But those voices are right – this experience has only added to me as a person. I am better and more experienced for having done this. And while it’s O.K. to let me turn myself into the torpedo to keep them from really exploding, I have to remember to great stuff, too. That I got as far as I did and that is was just one single opportunity in a world filled with possibilities. Putting oneself out there may be scary but it is absolutely why optimists like to keep putting ourselves out there – those endless possibilities.

That is the beauty of rain. It washes away the old and makes everything clean and ready for the new. Last night’s Chinese food is over with and done.

Today is a new day and a blue sky is peaking through…

Hey there.

Even though the weather people are calling for possible showers later on this afternoon or this evening it is bright and sunny this morning, and I am sitting at my computer doing my best to be just as sunny.

You may be wondering why I was so bummed out in my weekend blog post. Well, I’ll tell you why. I was not selected as one of the online finalists in Oprah’s “Win Your OWN Show” contest. There were a total of 9,504 videos posted to her website and more than 143 million votes tallied. I thought I did a decent job at showing off my “skeelz” as a host and stuff in my video but, alas, I guess eight others impressed voters more and on Friday eight people were announced as finalists and yours truly wasn’t among them.

When I received that e-blast that said “Meet Your OWN Show Online Winners” my heart skipped a beat. I was like “Um, O.K. Is this how they are reaching out to us all?” So I nervously clicked on the link in the e-blast and BAM, there they were. Eight lucky people. Eight OTHER people. I felt like the kid not chosen to be on either team in a game of baseball, and while I was trying to always remain cautiously optimistic I am by nature an optimist so I kept hoping I would see my face among the winners. I would get an e-mail. I would get a call.

I can’t speak for anyone else but when my adrenaline/excitement builds it stores up like ammo stored up for a fight. And when I received the news I was such a range of emotions – sad, disappointed, afraid, curious, mad, dumbfounded – that all I could think about was unloading that stockpile of energy ammo on the one thing I knew would make me feel better – food. In my blog on Saturday I wished I knew the “why” of emotional eating. I think I finally figured out how to answer that question. You don’t have a way to channel the energies that build up inside you from those emotions so you turn to something you’re familiar with, food, to burn it all off.

Speaking of burning it all off I kicked the shit out of the punching bag on Saturday at my rescheduled martial arts class. Since starting my class I figured out which side is my weaker side for kicking and hitting, then used the other, stronger side to beat, punch and otherwise torture the heavy bag working off much of that stored up energy and disappointment from Friday’s news.

After my class I started to feel better and I started looking at things in a slightly different way. If I hadn’t entered that contest I never would have put together an audition reel, and it is that reel I am going to send to different people and agents and stuff to see who else might be interested. Just because this one door closed doesn’t mean there aren’t a hundred more wide open waiting for me to step through. I know that in my head, but it’s the heart you usually have to convince about these things hence the bag of Oreo Cookies, Coca-Colas and other things we will not mention this morning.

There is so much else going on in the world and I know I sound trite and petty and selfish (and definitely whiny) about all of this, but I wanted it. I wanted it and felt I was ready for it. I had experience, energy and enough chutzpah to do it. I am 39 and thought I was the perfect age for it all. I thought the stars aligned for it. I felt it was the ultimate “why” I was “vocationally liberated” from my old job at the zoo. But it was not in the cards and my skies turned a bit cloudy over the weekend from it all. My demons came for me, the demons of self-questioning, self-doubt and, of course, overeating.

But with time comes perspective. With time comes wisdom. With time comes the ability to finally make the mind outweigh the heart and KNOW (and hope) that other things are on the horizon, even if that horizon is now just a little further away than expected. And with things like the tragedy on the Delaware River that unfolded last week here in the Philly area I am just thankful to be alive, healthy and able to keep striving for my dreams as there are two people whose own life journey ended with a stupid tourist boat ride. Seeing their faces on the news (and how absolutely innocent and young they both looked) does help put things into a larger perspective.

But the selfish part of me still feels the personal sting of finding out I was not chosen for something for which I felt I was a perfect fit. Just like a shirt, pair of pants or sweater on the sale rack in a store. When you see the thing you want but it has a stain, a pull, tear or rip or is simply not the right size you move on. Reluctantly, but you move on hoping and praying something cooler, better and bigger comes along that kicks that thing’s ass.

Well, this is me hoping for that. As the grayer clouds begin to roll in, this is me yelling to the universe I do hope something cooler, better and bigger comes along…

…and this is me getting it all out so I can leave it all behind tomorrow. Leave behind the urge to throw a big pity party catered with all my fave comfort foods. Leave behind the disappointment and start the week off right and see it for what it is. A new start at a new part of the horizon, even though that horizon is, like a said, just a bit further now than I wanted it to be Friday.

But would I do it again to jump at that kind of chance – to live out a dream and be a part of something connected to the biggest media person in the whole world? You bet your ass I would.

In a heartbeat.

Dear Ma,

Today was a helluva day. It’s hard to believe it’s been a year since you passed away. Sometimes it seems like just yesterday, and sometimes it feels every minute of every hour of the last 365 days.  It’s just past 7:00 p.m. here and the time you past away last year has come and gone as quietly as the moment did then, and I sat and thought about last June 9th – how peaceful it was at 5 o’clock, quittin’ time, when you breathed your last breath and became eternally healed.

I woke up today feeling a mixture of emotions. Some of them were happy because I remembered the kinds of things we did together especially when I was a kid, like when we went to the movies together. How cool that was that you’d let me bug the shit out of ya so we could get to the show early and stand in line to get some popcorn (if we had the money) and get a good seat. Some were sad because I thought about how much I just miss picking up the phone and talking to you. I miss the way you said “hello” when you picked up the phone, the way you laughed and how our last movie together (”The Mummy”) was now just about eleven years ago. Damn, time flies way too fast sometimes. Don’t it, Ma? That’s why I’m writing you this letter. I’m just thinking about you so much.

This morning, after I wrote my blog (a sort of way to keep a diary of thoughts using the computer),  I got dressed and took a walk in the park.  It felt so damn good to just turn off my music and just talk to you. I didn’t care if I looked crazy, I just wanted to have a talk with my mom. It felt good to just talk about what’s going on in my life like we used to. I liked being able to tell you everything. I’m so glad we had that relationship. It’s rare. And yes, I cried a bit. Hell, who am I kidding? I cried a lot. I cried as I was writing this morning and I cried walking in the park. I didn’t care, though. I just needed my Mama.  I just wanted to be closer to you especially because it was rainy today. You see, after you were cremated I spread your ashes in the park you took me to when I was young. It’s called Harold Washington Park now, and it was raining that day like it is today.  That made it seem better somehow, more peaceful, and thank you for holding off most of the rain until I got back in the car. I appreciate that.

Yeah, I thought about you so much. In my blog I wrote about what kinds of food you and I liked and it made me happy to remember all the times we went to Valois, or to get beef chop suey. And Mama, thank you for calling Rosalyn that night we were so broke and so hungry and for walking over to her house at eight o’clock at night to get us the chicken and spaghetti she made for us. In the park today I wondered if I did a good job of telling you how great a mom you were (and are). I wondered if I ever told you how much I loved you for doing stuff like that. I know it had to be hard but you did a wonderful job taking care of us and I love you. Thank you.

The thing I miss the most is just talking. It just felt so fucking good to talk to you, like I had been storing it all up for a while and let it all just come out in a good and happy way. And I know you can’t answer back but it’s like a friend of mine said, I just have to know that you do answer me just in different ways now. It may not be your voice but you do listen and are with me. Like you were last Saturday at the Oprah thing, or holding the rain back like you did today. I just have to listen for you with different ears.

There are definitely times I screw things up, I know that, but I hope I am making you proud of me. Since I got let go from the zoo I’ve been using my time to live out my dream of writing. I used part of that time to take that trip to Egypt you always wanted to take. I am doing my best to help people as much as I can. Hell, I have even been trying to do my best and communicate with Linda (we will see how that one goes). I may not be perfect but I am your son and everything you taught me makes up the best parts of me. I hope you know that, too. We didn’t have a lot but we had each other, and that’s all that mattered.

What’s it like in Heaven, anyway? I imagine it like a big neighborhood. You’re all healed and better and feeling good and you come out on your front porch and say HI to the people keeping you company up there. The cats we used to have, Tiger, Princess and Big Boy, all came to greet you last year when you arrived and now they are all curled up with you enjoying the sun as you pet each one. Please give Tiger a big hug for me and a kiss on her head. I miss her, too. Grandma is there, Virginia is there (say HI to her, too, will ya?) and you have no more pain or sadness. That’s what I imagine Heaven to be like, and your spirit is happy as it always deserved to be.

Down here, things are the same. Still worried about money (I may need to find a job soon), still thinking about getting my “big break.” Still missing you. But I’ll be OK.

I know I could keep talking to you all night, Mama. I guess I just want you to know you did a great job as a mom. You really did. We had some hard times but we also had great times, too. And you made me laugh, like when you said I was your favorite son. It took me a minute the first time I heard you say that and I said “but I’m your only son,” and how we had a great laugh over that so many times afterward. Your smile always made things better and you fixed everything so I didn’t have to worry. Sure there were things we couldn’t afford but you gently said “I can’t get that for you because we can’t afford it.” Thank you for teaching me about money and about the reality of it. Thank you for treating me with intelligence even when I was young. That is why this section of my computer diary is devoted to you. I always was, am and always will be so very proud of you. Those are the memories I will share with the world and the ones I will shout out to whoever will listen.

I really do hope Heaven is like I envision it to be. You worked so hard all your life, Ma. You deserve the rest in such a beautiful place. And you bet your ass I will keep talking to you about what’s going on. I miss you, Mama, so much. So pet the cats, take care just know I love you very, very much.

Your favorite (and only) son. Me.

Monday is here and the new week begins. I am sitting at my computer today feeling far less stressed than I have been lately. The Oprah audition is over and my “schedule” is somewhat back to normal which means I can truly get back to eating better, exercising and losing these damned last ten pounds.

My mind is still a bit scattered, though. So please forgive me if I sound weird. It’s almost like I am a kid who’s been tasked with putting away his toys and cleaning his room. So, in the mental room that is my mind, I am putting my marbles back in order so I can focus on a brand new week with a cleaner space. Damn, I didn’t realize how scattered I was until things calmed down a bit and believe me, my mental room was a mess.

I am finally back to fighting the “battle of the final ten.” Or maybe struggling to lose it is a better way to put it. And it is a struggle. You know yesterday I was still so wasted from Saturday that I hardly did anything except eat, rest and sleep. I so needed to replenish and I was ravenously hungry so I had lots of protein (steak and eggs) and broke down to have an ice-cold Coca-Cola. Yum. Not the best meal to have when trying to lose and/or maintain weight (especially when potatoes and toast are involved)  but it’s what my body craved.

The anniversary of my mom, JoAnn’s, passing is just a couple of days away and it is on my mind now more than ever in more ways than one. It was almost a year ago (A YEAR AGO!) that I lost the most important person in my entire life. I watched her be taken by that wretched thief, pancreatic cancer, in just 18 short (but mercifully short) days. It was almost a year ago I had to say good-bye. It is so hard to believe how fast time flies for things that seem so recent but time keeps on moving forward and moving us with it. It was also almost a year ago I re-gained twenty pounds.

Please believe I am not beating myself up for that. I swear I am not. Losing a parent or loved one would make anyone, especially someone just sitting there unable to do anything, pass the time by eating comfort foods. But I know I’ve needed to get back on track harder than I have been because I have been talking about this for a year now and I swore I would not let her cancer beat us twice. Granted there have been other challenges as well – being “vocationally liberated” from my position at the zoo because of restructuring, my own money issues, etc. – but time has passed yet I am still ten pounds heavier. That is the thing that makes me say “grrrrrr” sometimes.

Like I said, losing weight is a struggle. Sometimes its a physical one, like when you go to the gym and work out but don’t seem to be losing anything. Mostly, though, it’s a mental one (at least for me it is), like having to talk myself out of going to the White Castle the other night and getting several cheeseburgers and fries, or motivating myself to get up and workout. Hell, even bypassing the Coke cooler in a store. But this struggle can be overcome. It can, and I know my weight now is proof of that. I may still have ten pounds to re-lose but I am still 165 pounds less than what I weighed in 2005. That is all the motivation I need to energize in the morning to clean my mental room.

And you know something? With just two days to go the only thing I am craving is the sound of my mom’s voice, not ice-cream, cheeseburgers, Chinese food or candy bars. I know she will always be with me and I can’t change what happened but you better damn-well know I am working now, harder than ever, to get these last ten off me. And with that, my friends, it’s time to start the day and clean my room. Have a great day and a wonderful week…

…and know my room is starting to look pretty darn good if I do say so myself.

Well, here it is. Sunday (thank God). The Oprah “Win Your OWN Show” live audition is over and I am slowly recovering from a very physically draining (sitting, standing and walking all day in the hot sun tends to do that to you) and mentally draining day. I wish I could sum up how wonderful, cool, scary, amazing, screwed up and taxing it all was but I will give you the highlights (laced with some cool weight loss-related things, too).

I arrived on-site at the Kohl’s in Linden at roughly 2:00 a.m. and there was already a line of people (some there since 9:00 a.m. Friday morning). Even though they didn’t let us park in the Kohl’s lot all of us parked in the adjacent TGIFridays parking lot and formed a very nice and orderly line (which wouldn’t mean anything in the end, but I’ll get to that later). People were jazzed, even that early, and you could feel the electricity starting to build, while off in the distance the glow of the nearby White Castle called to me like a beacon to a ship…

The early morning dragged on, and the parking lot was feeling like a concert ticket atmosphere – a cross between Deadhead and Parrothead shows. The “line” grew and was respected and we all became more and more nervous. The woman next to me dared to run to the White castle and brought back french fries. They smelled so good…

But I had to keep one thing in mind – I WAS NOT – I REPEAT NOT – GOING TO USE A NASTY ASS BATHROOM, whether it be at the White Castle, the gas station on the corner or the port-a-potties trucked in for our benefit. Ick. Just ick. So I was determined not to eat or drink too much, at least until the Kohl’s (and their decent bathroom – yes, I checked) opened at 7:00 a.m. So I snacked on the granola bars I brought. At about 4:30 a.m. or 5:00 a.m. I broke down and had the first of five Gatorades.

The problem was that Oprah’s people on-site had no clue how to handle the wristband situation and when the time came they had close to a thousand people clamoring for spaces in line and later, wristbands. And the ways we lined up were so bloody disorganized it didn’t matter whether you were there at 9 a.m. on Friday or just rolled up, you had just as much chance to get one of the first bracelets as those who had been waiting. It was the worst situation I have ever seen, and potentially dangerous, too.  I so made me want to run and hide in that beacon of delicious White Castle comfort food delight…At several points, including our makeshift early “line,” they had us in great position to begin handing out wristbands to avoid that mess. But noooooooo. At least I had my cooler of water/Gatorade, granola bars and my dream.

At least they said everyone was guaranteed to be seen.

The day wore on and my number, #837, wasn’t going to be seen until the afternoon – like 3 or 4 in the afternoon so I hung out and hung around. People watching was priceless. Like the “rhinestone cow”girl,” a 50-something woman who (no kidding) wore sequined disco boots, sequined western-style vest/jacket, cowboy hat who had a portable karaoke machine singing, of course, “Rhinestone Cowboy.” Or the two hoochie-mamas in their sequined “Daisy Dukes” (so high you could see the bottoms of their asses), low (LOW) cut tank tops and 5-inch (no kidding) heels. Or the older 60-something lady dressed head-to-toe in bright pink with a hat that would make anyone at the Kentucky Derby jealous (bless her heart), or the…oh I could go on. It was awesome entertainment, which kept my mind off one thing – nervously eating.

Overall I did extremely well. I did grab a much-needed sausage, egg and cheese sandwich and coffee from Starbucks at around the time my body told me it was way-past lunch time (in actuality 9:30 a.m. or so). I also just grazed all day on granola/breakfast bars with the saving grace being my Gatorade. The sun, when it came out from the clouds, made it at least 15 degrees hotter and more intense. I sweated like a pig and smelled just as bad by the end of the day. But I did burn off an extra pound so, believe it or not, my friends, I am at my goal of losing that two pounds before June 9th.

What? What did you ask? How did my audition go? It went great. Turns out the casting director I met with in-person was the same as the one who took a gander at my video so he was impressed I showed up to do both. He totally appreciated me coming out (as they all had to know what a cluster-mess it was in the beginning) and said “look for a phone call soon.” So I am so keeping my fingers, toes, eyes, arms, feet and hands crossed for that call. Lucky number 837.

And what? What else did you ask? Did I avoid the White Castle? I sure did. It would have been far too easy to give in and grab a 10-pack to go, with fries and a drink (what I frequently used to eat as I used to have one 5 minutes from where I lived) but I didn’t. Did it tempt me? Hell yes, it did, especially since I have fond memories of me and my mom going to get White Castles on some weekends when we felt like hopping the bus to 79th Street in Chicago.

I am exhausted, wiped out and sort of brain dead, but I feel juiced and great. It was an awesome experience, like waiting in line for concert tickets. It is in lines like that that the best of humanity comes out. Totally. Through that immediately-shared experience people talked to one-another and it was awesome. That alone was worth the hour-and-a-half drive, the damn-near 20-hour day (when it was all said and done), the waiting in the heat and sun, the incredibly interesting and entertaining sideshow of characters…

…and the foregoing of White Castles, no matter how good they taste any time of day.

Well, this is it. No, it’s neither the biopic released last year showing and detailing (at least in part) the planned series of fifty concerts by Michael Jackson to be held at The O2 arena in London, nor is it the 80s song by Kenny Loggins. It is, in fact, the day before the auditions for Oprah’s “win your OWN show” contest here in the good ol’ Garden State.

I am not really nervous at all about standing in front of a series of strangers telling them about my ideas for my own OWN show. I am, however, nervous and anxious about the actual process which begins for yours truly at around midnight tonight. That’s when I will be getting up and prepping to drive to the Kohl’s Store in Linden to try to secure my place in line since only the first 500 or so people are guaranteed to be seen by the casting directors for the show.

How does all this relate to weight loss you ask? Simple. Today and tomorrow are taking me out of my normal weight loss and maintenance routines just at the  time I have re-engaged my better exercise and eating routines to shed this last two or so pounds before June 9, the anniversary of my mom’s death. Also, not knowing exactly how this process will work I am not sure about food choices tomorrow.  I think I will be OK, though. I am going to pack drinks, healthy snacks and a sandwich in a cooler to bring with me (this way I am not tempted by the Dark Side of the food Force).

Since I have to be up at the crack of, well, er…since I have to get up in the dead of night (insert cheesy, spooky muah ah ah ah-kind of laugh here) I will not be writing a blog post for tomorrow, Saturday, morning. But you can bet your healthy fruit, egg and coffee breakfast on Sunday I will be telling you all about Bill’s Excellent Adventure including what I ate.

Speaking of which, I did really well yesterday, or at least I thought I did. I had a chicken salad sandwich from Chick-Fil-A yesterday. I usually go for their less than 300-calorie Chargrilled Chicken Sandwich (which only has approximately 3.5 grams of fat) but I wanted something different and, since it was hot outside, the coolness of chicken salad peaked my interest.

Sheesh! What a mistake I made! O.K. I know I’m not new and that chicken salad has mayo in it but I didn’t expect a healthy “looking” sandwich to have 500 CALORIES and 20 GRAMS OF FAT!!! Again, as Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy” would say, “What The Deuce?!” Here I thought I’d be having a light sandwich made with the chicken I think is actually seasoned with crack it’s so good and I ended up eating a sandwich that is worse (WORSE) than their own new (AND FRIED) Spicy Chicken Sandwich!

Let’s compare more apples to apples.

In addition to the 500 calories (180 of which are calories from fat) and 20 grams of fat (3.5 of which saturated), my chicken salad sandwich contained 4 grams of fiber, 12 grams of sugar (!), 52 grams of carbs, 80 grams of cholesterol and 29 grams of protein.

Compare that to their new (and again FRIED) Spicy Chicken Sandwich which has 490 calories (180 of which are calories from fat – same as the chicken salad) and 20 grams of fat (4.0 of which saturated, only 0.5 more), contains 4 grams of fiber, 8 grams of sugar (4 grams less)), 46 grams of carbs (6 grams less), 60 grams of cholesterol (a whole 20 grams less) and 31 grams of protein (2 grams more than the chicken salad).

The only significant way I found my “healthier” chicken salad to win was in the sodium department. The chicken salad has 1240 mg of sodium while the new Spicy Chicken Sandwich has 1730 mg.

Now that I think about it, maybe I am new. Damn! What a difference. Here I thought I healthy-looking sandwich on toasted wheat bread would be better for me than a fried chicken sandwich. HA, I tell you! HA! And even though I only bought the sandwich can you imagine if I had their (delicious) Waffle Fries with that? Without a drink that’s close to 1,000 calories!

(Also, did I mention the chicken sald laid a little heavy in my tummy afterward?)

Damn! Maybe I am new after all. See what extra ingredients, processing and mayo do to ya? Well, consider me “edumacated” (and yes, I did purposely misspell that) and know I will be going back to my grilled chicken sandwich if and when I do eat there again.

In the meantime I will continue getting ready for what will hopefully be a “first step into a larger world,” as Obi-Wan Kenobi says in “Star Wars.” And while I am doing that and prepping for the Oprah thing I will be packin’ a 310-calorie cold Italian Hoagie from Wawa. Not only is it a helluva lot healthier (no mayo, build your own with fresh veggies, etc.) but I know it’s 310 calories before I even order it! Wawa has this cool “Meal Builder” way to calculate calories in your food before you get there! It’s awesome! I love Wawa!

Have a great start to your weekend, my friends and check back in on Sunday morning for all the juicy details of how one man (O.K. probably thousands) is trying to live his dream waiting in a long-ass line dragging his cooler along for the ride. If anything it also makes a great stool on which to sit.

Ugh. This Stanley Cup series is wearing me out. Have you guys been watching? It is an awesome series being played by two very good teams (go Hawks!), but the back and forth drama is enough to make me nervously eat for a month. Don’t worry I didn’t, even though I so wanted to drown my sorrows last night (the Blackhawks lost in OT by a score of 4-3) in the nearest pint of strawberry ice-cream. So today my “days without incident” now stand at three.  I actually ended up having steamed chicken and broccoli and brown rice from my fave Chinese food restaurant and – wait for it – a glass of ice water! Two points for me! Er, wait. Is that how you score points in hockey, with a field goal or home run or something? And when does the penalty kick come in?

Well, anyway, staying up late last night to watch the game made me tired as hell this morning. That, in turn, made me far less motivated to get up and join the world today. I know I have stuff to do but I am so waiting for the day we can mentally project what we want to do and have it be done (oh, well. Not in this lifetime anyway). So I lay in bed on mornings like this making my mental list of how cool it is to get out of bed. I know it sounds cheesy but you guys know I am Captain Cheese, Mr. Velveeta…if life were a Philly cheesesteak I’d be the “extra wiz” poured on top.

Chief on my list to accomplish today is more exercise. Yep, getting my ass up, throwing on sweats and gym shoes is top of my list to accomplish today. I am this/close to losing the first of the two pounds I re-gained recently by stress eating and I want those off me like a bad, cheap or ill-fitting suit. I don’t know about you guys but when you get to a certain point you just “know” when your body has gained even a pound or two. Well, I feel as though I’ve gained a whole freaking turkey recently and I want that sluggish, bloated ill-fitting suit feeling gone and done.

Next, I have errands to run in preparation for Friday/Saturday. I think it just hit me today as I lay in bed not moving how screwed up my body is going to feel tomorrow, Friday, because I have to sleep in the afternoon then get up at midnight to drive to this Oprah “win your OWN show” audition Saturday then sort of camp out in my car until the times comes to wait in line for a few more hours. Sigh. Thank God they make extra-large cups of coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Finally, I have to plan out what I’m gonna eat during Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I have always said eating should be very much like scuba diving – you plan your dive and you dive your plan.  A weight loss journey and eating healthy don’t go on hold just because it is time to play for the Cup, but eating while watching the game doesn’t have to be unhealthy. Some great food options (done in moderation not in mass quantities) to help everyone watching the game (or any game) keep their eating on track are:

Salsa

Salsa is made up of fruits and vegetables and contains no fat. Traditionally made with tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and spices, salsa provides antioxidants and vitamins prevalent in those specific fruits and vegetables. Salsa variations can include beans and corn for additional fiber and nutrients. Salsa also is low in cholesterol. You can eat salsa with unsalted, baked, whole wheat chips for added nutritional and health value. Pita chips also are a healthy alternative. And remember, HERE is a kick-ass Slightly Spicy Black Bean Salsa recipe perfect for rooting for the Hawks (er, I mean your favorite team).

Roasted chicken or turkey sandwiches

Served on whole wheat buns or bread thins, either are a great option to add some protein to any game watching you might do. Chicken is a lean meat, and if served moist enough, requires very little in terms of fatty condiments. Skip the cheese and mayonnaise, perhaps add some mustard, and relax in front of the game knowing that the lean meat will provide necessary proteins without the fat of red or deep-fried meats.

Chili

Not big on sandwiches? Try some low-fat chili. Made with ground turkey, black beans, tomatoes, peppers, and onions, the warm goodness will provide a meal in itself with protein, fiber, fruits, and vegetables. Protein helps build muscle, while fiber stabilizes blood sugar by slowing the rate that sugar enters the bloodstream. And again, fruits and vegetables provide invaluable vitamins and nutrients. Skip the Fritos, cheese and sour cream to keep fat-content low.

See, my day is now all on track. I am wide awake and raring to get started – at least I will be after some extra light, extra crunchy coffee which I am off to go get…

…now.

P.S. – Yes, I just read what I wrote and I do not know if I can stay up to watch the game tomorrow! Like Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy” would say (in a British accent) “Blast! What the deuce? How dare they hold the game and not accommodate my schedule!” I will have to find at least one way before tomorrow to have the game mentally projected into my brain as I lay there sleeping. Hmmmmmm…

Did you guys see the Edward Norton movie version of “The Incredible Hulk?” In it we see how long Norton’s Dr. Bruce Banner has gone without turning into The Hulk by displaying on-screen an electronic tally sheet that lists “days without incident.” Of course you wouldn’t have much of a movie if Banner’s “days without incident” kept going. It would be like watching paint dry or watching a pot of water and waiting for it to boil.

Boring.

Well, I sort of feel like that crossed with the commercial where the cell phone coverage area pops up above someone’s head. It is Day Two of my re-engaging my routine to lose weight and shed these two additional pounds before June 9.  Day Two – That’s what my electronic “days without incident” meter is displaying. I did well yesterday. I exercised and ate really well. I had a chicken breast for lunch with water (yep, no Coca-Cola) and I had a protein-filled steak for dinner with green beans. Totally tasty.

Now before you start saying to me “Bill, you really should lay off red meat,” I know that. I do, and I have been eating more chicken these days. But I am a Chicago boy, born and raised, and I like me my steak. I have also been eating more veggies, too. Green beans, tomatoes, asparagus and salads.  And now that I am trying to re-engage I am realizing how badly I had been stress eating lately.

My newly re-found routine also helps me with this coming weekend, too, and vice-versa. I found out yesterday by taking my long-ass drive to Linden, New Jersey (for the Oprah “win your OWN show” audition) that they will not be allowing camping out overnight and that the line starts at 6:00 a.m. Saturday. Yeah, right. I know I need to get there a few hours before that but at least I will not be homeless for a day or two wondering if/how I will get to continue eating healthily while waiting in line. I get to keep my routine going.

It also answers the question of how I will be able to exercise. I was thinking I would borrow one of my gym’s padded mats and actually do sit-ups, crunches and push-ups in front of the other peeps like me in line. At least I would have been illustrating my show idea in a way.

Today is June 2. This day last year was the last full day my mom, JoAnn, spent in the hospital before being transferred to hospice care. I try not to let sad thoughts enter my brain and I try to concentrate instead on a few other things – the beauty of the blue sky, birds singing and the goal I have set for myself, not to stress eat anymore and lose this two pounds by June 9.

The last thing I want to do is turn into my own food version of “The Incredible Hulk” and yell out “food good” instead of “Hulk smash.” It really is easy to just walk into a store and order up anything. The people behind the counter don’t know you from Adam and don’t know you are trying your best to stay on a weight loss journey. They just do their job and punch in the amount for whatever badness you’re going to consume and call it a day.

That’s why I have to remember my own “days without incident” / phone coverage map above my own head. Others may not be able to see it but I sure know it’s there and I do want its number to increase more and more so I know I’ve learned how to control the raging beast that dwells within me (and yes, that was a nod to the old Hulk TV show of the 70s).

Have a great day.