Determined To Succeed

Day ninety-two.

Happy Monday, everyone. Well, I barely – BARELY – survived the weekend. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. First, I ended up eating waaaaaaaaay too much on Friday night for dinner. I did aright for breakfast and lunch. Following my egg and sausage half-sandwich for breakfast I had a bagel for lunch (since I knew I was working out on Friday afternoon with Sensei Doug). But for dinner, fuck! I ate like a pig. It was taco night and there should be a law about how good jalepenos, onions, salsa, cheese and taco meat taste on a tortilla. Yum!

Saturday,  I was honored enough to be a part of the first-annual walk for pancreatic cancer in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, in honor of my mom, JoAnn. It was heartwarming to be surrounded by so many people who could understand that bitch disease while, at the same time, being there in positive support of all our loved ones, friends and family afflicted. It was a wonderful three-mile walk and one I will do every year, as I can, to remember the best lady in the whole world.

I love you, Mama. So much.

For lunch, I ate a wonderfully-prepared omelette (if I do say so myself) and some bacon and toast while for dinner I polished off the remainder of the taco stuff. Yesterday, for breakfast had some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the small ones, not Cinnabon size) and coffee while having a selection of finger foods (cheese, hummus, bread, chicken) at a great wine tasting. That ended up being my dinner (in addition to the few bite-size Snickers I had watching a Netflix flick) which was O.K.

What does all that mean? It means that, overall, while it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t great BUT I did end up weighing the same today as I did on Friday and that is a Godsend! I am still at 239.9 and am soooooo looking forward to working out today. This week also will be interesting because I will not be visiting Doug for my mixed martial arts sessions so I will have to maintain my workouts  on my own, no obligatory classes to make. But I will do it. As I told him I have my “homework” and I will do it.

So I start this week feeling pretty good. I am firmly ensconsed in eating at home and drinking Coke Zero (instead of regular Coca-Cola). I am going to workout four or five times this week to keep that up. All is good. Could this weekend have been better, of course. I could have exercised AND eaten better. However, life is to be enjoyed and I enjoyed a bit of life this weekend. If that means having two small pretzels with mustard on Saturday night (which I did), or having delicious pepper jack cheese cubes, hummus and bread with wine, so be it. I am living life and I will not ever, ever again, whether it be in my weight or any other way, take life for granted. It is short and precious and should be fully, fully appreciated.

On Saturday I felt my mom with me as I walked through that park with all those people. It wasn’t sad. It was the feeling you get when walking with your parents when you’re a kid. It was safe and warm and happy. And as long as I keep up with my better eating and exercising I will be able to have that feeling for decades to come.

Day nineteen.

I woke up this morning and I cried. I cried because of the realization that I was finally becoming a whole person again. I cried because all those parts of me and my soul that had been scattered to the four winds (despair, shame, guilt and gluttony) have started coming back and are now a part of me again and for the first time in my recent memory I am here and present.

I can’t begin to tell you what it’s like having your soul, brain, heart and energy segmented like that.  Sad to say it is something you have to experience to know. To use a movie analogy it’s like being Voldemort from the Harry Potter books. In case you’ve been living under a rock, Voldemort uses physical objects to place parts of his soul so that, no matter what happens to his physical body, he can return. In that world it is the darkest, blackest magic there is. In this world, my world, it was the darkest and blackest my soul had ever been. It’s so bad that you put yourself aside for the drug. You do, and the motions you go through aren’t for you. They’re for the drug.

Being addicted to something – anything – means you not only get a high from it but you eventually start trading things, including pieces of your life and soul for it. If you know anyone who’s an addict they will tell you that. They will also tell you what withdrawl is like – that maddening craving for the drug when you ween yourself off of it. But what I am going through isn’t withdrawl, it’s reverse withdrawl.

I cried today because I really felt myself coming back together today. I felt the parts of my soul that had been gone for so long come back home. I watched the sun rise a bit this morning, listened to the birds sing their morning songs of hunger and felt myself take in such good, deep breaths that I felt almost overwhelmed. I felt heavier. Not just because I’ve been eating like a pig lately but because the best parts of me rejoined me. My mind wasn’t in one place while my soul was shoved away in a closet somewhere. I wasn’t spending my time being an addict and splitting my time, energies and self between so many different things. I was here again and I was at peace.

The last time I felt peace like that was when I sat with my mother, JoAnn Larson, as she lay dying from pancreatic cancer. I’ve said it before and I will say it again I know exactly how lucky a bastard I am because I was able to say to my mom “I love you, mama” and hear her say “I love you, too, son” back. Those were literally her last words to me. Those were literally her last words. After that she slipped further and further away until finally she became eternally free and healed from that terrible bitch disease. Those words brought me peace and they are what I held onto as her hand grew cold even as I held it watching her take her last breath on this earth.

Reclaiming what had been gone so long makes you heavier. I don’t know how but it does. They say when your spirit leaves your body you actually lose weight. Well, I now know what it’s like to breathe and live again. I was dying. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and spiritually. This morning, and these past few weeks, have all been part of a process I hope to and want to continue. I love this reverse withdrawl. It’s renewed my senses and it’s making me whole again.

I talk all the time about seeing the “promised land.” In the past I meant about weight loss and I still do. I lost the weight of a grown person and I will never, EVER regain it back because I knew I would be dead had I kept it. But I have also seen the “promised land” of what it’s like to crave something so much it takes over your life, and yes, that can be food, too. But I would try to save you that pain and have you learn from my experience to stay away from that rancid hell on earth.

No matter what your addiction you are worth so much more than that which drives you. Our souls must be one within ourselves to truly be alive and that cannot happen craving something else. Yesterday I made a kick-ass soup (the Delicious Bean Stew I listed the recipe for – it’s awesome, by the way). Today, Friday, and tomorrow, Saturday, I’m going to workout with my martial arts instructor, Doug Shaffer, and it’s going to feel great. I am going to see and talk with friends and I am gonna drive with the windows down to feel the warm air on my face. That is life, and I am embracing it again after such a long, long time.

If you are new to reading me, welcome. I truly appreciate you stopping by to check out this website to gain inspiration in your weight loss journey. I am still on that path and will forever be on that path with you. There are two parts of it, you know. Losing weight and keeping it off, the latter being the on-going, lifestyle-changing part. It may be rough, and I know it is, but there is a difference this time as there is now a difference in my life.

I am here and present, and when we can say that, and really and truly mean it, we can and will do anything because we have our lives back and finally back in our control. Have a great weekend.

There’s no better time like the present.

How many times do we hear and say those words? And how many times do we hear and say those words and then NOT back them up with an action? If you answered “a lot,” then you are not alone. I, too, am guilty of saying “hey, let’s do this now while we still can,” only to have “this” be as fleeting as a dream you can’t remember the next day.

I bring this up because of something that happened yesterday here in Philadelphia, the kind of thing that makes you stop in your tracks.You see the search continues today for two people still missing after yesterday’s boating accident on the Delaware River. A tourist “Duck Boat” ride sank shortly before 3pm, after it was hit by a barge in the Delaware River. And of the 37 people on the boat two are still missing and presumed dead.

It is horrible news, indeed, yet it is the kind of news that can make you, me and everyone else actually do some of the “this” we always say we are going to do. Because time is short, my friends. Very short. I felt time’s acute sting in June 2009 when my mom, JoAnn, died. From the day we found out it was pancreatic cancer to the day she died it was only 18 days. 18 short days. And every day after I have viewed life as a gift. I went to Egypt in her honor afterward and made a promise to myself I would see more of the world while I still can – because you never know what could happen tomorrow (like those poor people who signed up to take a stupid “Ride The Ducks” tour and ended up being capsized in the Delaware fighting for their lives on a record-setting hot day).

Before 2005, I made broken promises to myself (and others) to lose weight. My old landlady used to chide me all the time and say, in a very cute broken English/Greek accent, “Beeel. You need to drop the weight. Yes?” Before that, as I told you guys before, I used to hide behind lies when asked if I was losing weight. I may have lost ten here or five there but always said “no” so I had a way to go back when I failed. And believe me I always did.

But one day in 2005 I “bottomed out” and said no more. I am going to do “this” today and I started. And once I did I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. There was momentum, and it was different that time. I could feel it. And it might have taken me three-and-a-half years but I got to that promised land. I got to that promise I made to myself. I got to my “this.”

What I am saying to you is that, if you are thinking about starting to lose weight, you should just start. Today. Right now. There really is no better time like the present. I mean you know as well as I do it ain’t going to mysteriously happen overnight and you and I both ain’t gonna wake up the next day magically looking like we want to at the weight we want. It takes time, hard work, patience and vision to know you WILL get there. But every day you put it off, every day you delay that start, you waste time plain and simple. And time is something none of us are sure we ever have. Just ask those souls who thought they signed up for a simple couple of hours touring Philly by boat yesterday.

You bet your ass this is a wake up call for you, but not an angry one. If you are afraid it is time to confront that fear. It is time to acknowledge, at least to yourself, what is driving that fear and beat it. It is time to say “I am not going to be afraid” because that, my friends, is the only thing standing in your way – even if it’s the fear of succeeding. But fear is only holding you back if you let it, and you losing weight – meaning being healthier and living a longer, better, fuller, richer, easier life – is within your grasp.

Time is fleeting, my friends. And if things like yesterday’s boat accident on the Delaware (or September 11, 2001, or any number of events) teach us anything it’s to cherish our lives and make the most of them and the time we have on this planet. It’s what we got. It’s all we got. But different than that horrific accident, this “this” is within your power to change.

There is no better time like the present, and no better time to begin a weight loss journey. Your life can have so many days added on to it and the life you save and extend could very well be your own.

Monday is here and the new week begins. I am sitting at my computer today feeling far less stressed than I have been lately. The Oprah audition is over and my “schedule” is somewhat back to normal which means I can truly get back to eating better, exercising and losing these damned last ten pounds.

My mind is still a bit scattered, though. So please forgive me if I sound weird. It’s almost like I am a kid who’s been tasked with putting away his toys and cleaning his room. So, in the mental room that is my mind, I am putting my marbles back in order so I can focus on a brand new week with a cleaner space. Damn, I didn’t realize how scattered I was until things calmed down a bit and believe me, my mental room was a mess.

I am finally back to fighting the “battle of the final ten.” Or maybe struggling to lose it is a better way to put it. And it is a struggle. You know yesterday I was still so wasted from Saturday that I hardly did anything except eat, rest and sleep. I so needed to replenish and I was ravenously hungry so I had lots of protein (steak and eggs) and broke down to have an ice-cold Coca-Cola. Yum. Not the best meal to have when trying to lose and/or maintain weight (especially when potatoes and toast are involved)  but it’s what my body craved.

The anniversary of my mom, JoAnn’s, passing is just a couple of days away and it is on my mind now more than ever in more ways than one. It was almost a year ago (A YEAR AGO!) that I lost the most important person in my entire life. I watched her be taken by that wretched thief, pancreatic cancer, in just 18 short (but mercifully short) days. It was almost a year ago I had to say good-bye. It is so hard to believe how fast time flies for things that seem so recent but time keeps on moving forward and moving us with it. It was also almost a year ago I re-gained twenty pounds.

Please believe I am not beating myself up for that. I swear I am not. Losing a parent or loved one would make anyone, especially someone just sitting there unable to do anything, pass the time by eating comfort foods. But I know I’ve needed to get back on track harder than I have been because I have been talking about this for a year now and I swore I would not let her cancer beat us twice. Granted there have been other challenges as well – being “vocationally liberated” from my position at the zoo because of restructuring, my own money issues, etc. – but time has passed yet I am still ten pounds heavier. That is the thing that makes me say “grrrrrr” sometimes.

Like I said, losing weight is a struggle. Sometimes its a physical one, like when you go to the gym and work out but don’t seem to be losing anything. Mostly, though, it’s a mental one (at least for me it is), like having to talk myself out of going to the White Castle the other night and getting several cheeseburgers and fries, or motivating myself to get up and workout. Hell, even bypassing the Coke cooler in a store. But this struggle can be overcome. It can, and I know my weight now is proof of that. I may still have ten pounds to re-lose but I am still 165 pounds less than what I weighed in 2005. That is all the motivation I need to energize in the morning to clean my mental room.

And you know something? With just two days to go the only thing I am craving is the sound of my mom’s voice, not ice-cream, cheeseburgers, Chinese food or candy bars. I know she will always be with me and I can’t change what happened but you better damn-well know I am working now, harder than ever, to get these last ten off me. And with that, my friends, it’s time to start the day and clean my room. Have a great day and a wonderful week…

…and know my room is starting to look pretty darn good if I do say so myself.

It’s almost the end of May, 2010 (do you say twenty-ten, two-thousand and ten, oh hell, I don’t know) and it was this time last year that my mom, JoAnn, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 24, 2009, was lying in a hospital bed dying from that dreaded bitch disease. We were seeing doctors who were trying to make her comfortable and having the difficult conversations about pain management, transferring to hospice and how much time she might have left. If you ever want to know what a really hard conversation is look your wonderful, beautiful mom in the eye and answer her “we’re in a bad way, aren’t we” question with the honest, brutal and damning truth…”yes.”

During the eighteen or so days it took from her diagnosis to death, and in the days after, before I returned to South Jersey, I gained 20 pounds back of the 175 I lost. It was not only easy it was tremendously easy. When you sit in a hospital room all day you might entertain ideas of eating better, healthier and less but that quickly turns into nervously eating shit. There are moments of boredom, fear, dread, sadness, humor, anxiousness, relief…every emotion under the sun. What does it mean? It means your adrenaline has kicked in as the one helping to provide comfort and care and you eat, at least I did to help calm the storm.

When we transferred Mama to hospice I knew it was the end, and so did she, but at least the room she was in wasn’t some cold, antiseptic and functional place. It was warmer, more inviting and soothing and a much more  fitting place for my sweet Mama’s spirit to spend its final days inhabiting her body on Earth.

In hospice, I kept eating. This time I had the comfort of having pizza from Al’s Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria which was mercifully close to the hospice place. Ironically, what made this pizza awesome was the fact it tasted just like the pizza my mom and I had when I was a boy. I had this pizza twice in the six days we were in hospice. I needed it. I welcomed it, like an old friend come by for a visit after twenty years…and we had some catching up to do. I needed a taste of my childhood during those moments of fear, dread and sadness.

I just wish that taste could have come calorie- and fat-free.

Why am I telling you guys all this on a beautiful Sunday morning? Because the countdown has already begun to the last “first” I have to face since my mom’s passing, the actual one-year anniversary of that day, and slowly but surely I have been stress eating again. I can tell you it has been mostly subconscious, eating a few extra things here and there. But that is no excuse. I still get my sweet cravings at night and I feed them sometimes with good things, sometimes with bad, and my weight is slowly creeping back up because of it. Not to mention the silly, stupid dreams I have because I eat late at night (but that’s a whole separate blog post – and one for which you’d need a strong drink or cup of coffee because my dreams can be really strange sometimes).

In trying to be Zen about losing this remaining last ten pounds, which is now eleven-and-a-half, I have said many things which I need to start saying to myself. I do forgive myself this weight. I will re-lose this weight. And I know WHY I am re-gaining this weight. Those things help me, they do. I just need to listen to them and fight my way through this.

Every day I start the day the exact same way, with the blank page. Every writer starts with one, every person starts with one. Each day is what we make of it. Some continue the events of the day before, some bring about new circumstances. But all of them have a component of choice to them and it’s that choice I need to remember as June 9 gets closer and closer.

I swear to you all I will re-lose this weight. I swear it to myself, too. And that, my friends, is the first line on my blank page for today followed very, very closely by my second line…

…Mama, I love you and miss you and your voice very, very much.

Sorry this blog is going to sound a bit scattered and cluttered. It’s just how I’m feeling today.

Back when I worked in the movie promotion “biz” I used to have piles on my desk at work because I never used to have much of a filing system. I used to place all my documents, etc. in one central stack (or a couple of stacks because one could easily topple) as my way of “knowing where everything is.” It was a scattered, distracted way of doing things, and this coming from a guy who always wanted (and still does want) to be successful. I always told myself “Oh, I’ll get to that later.” And the piles kept growing and me more distracted with them.

What does that have to do with the price of tea in China? What does that have to do with weight loss? Why tell you about that? Because I am so freaking distracted lately! I hate to say it but I am. Man! It’s like I have life ADD. For example, I could be throwing laundry in the washer but then I see a movie on TV and I start watching. Or I get started on something and then – poof – something grabs my attention on the internet. I could want to go workout but then I get sucked into the virtual world of which I spoke the other day.

And slowly I see my piles of stuff coming back – half-finished stacks of laundry or filed receipts or dust bunnies that need to be swept away. I feel like an old AM radio on which you just quite can’t get the station. The announcers are talking but the reception is all fuzzy with static.

Why do I have life ADD? Well, some of it is personal (I’ve been feeling distracted with thoughts of my mom, especially with Mother’s Day approaching followed closely by the one year anniversary of her death from pancreatic cancer) and some of it is professional (just trying to keep up with things I need to do and people I need to see to keep moving forward with this website and my writing).

I know I talk about the “Star Wars” movies a lot but there really is a quote in them for everything. In “The Empire Strikes Back” (which I can’t freaking believe is 30 years old already) Yoda is training Luke who has many questions because he’s anxious, young and very distracted. Yoda, in speaking about Luke, says “Always has this one looked away, to the future. Never his mind on where he was. Hmmm. What he was doing.”

Yoda’s right.

Sometimes distractions can be good – very good really – like planning trips and vacations to see family, or reconnecting with people to let them know you still care (even if it is 3 o’clock in the morning) or getting inspiration to write a weight loss blog even though you start the morning in a sleepy fog. It’s just the other distractions that are bad and those are what can keep you from your weight loss goal. This is what leads to me stress eating, binging and eating crap that’s no good for me. So today I will continue to be good with my eating (I am well on track to lose that pound by tomorrow) and stay focused.

It is easy to be lost. Lately I know exactly how that feels. But it’s OK. At the end of it all, underneath all those piles of goo that need to be filed is your focus, your goal. And you will get there.

Someone wise once said to me “ya know. If you clean off your desk and file things away you’d have more space to work.” And that is very true, even to this day. I need to focus on one thing at a time.

After all, these piles of crap won’t clear themselves away. Will they?

Remember the movie “Tron?” In it Oscar-winner Jeff Bridges plays a computer programmer who literally gets sucked into the virtual world of games and computers. The filmmakers back then knew, or at least had a sense of, how much technology was sucking us into our computers, and that was back in 1982.

It is so easy working from home to get sucked into the virtual world vortex. It really is. I can see how kids these days don’t go outside and play as much as we did. At your fingertips you not only have access to the news and happenings of the world but you also have media networks like Twitter and Facebook handy – enabling you to visit and “communicate” with literally hundreds of friends, all at the same time.  Nowadays, I work from home and, during the course of my day, I not only answer e-mails but I network using these wonderful media tools with friends and business associates all over the country. However, the end result is that it easily becomes 5 or 6 o’clock and I haven’t gone outside to enjoy the smattering of nice weather we’ve been having in southern New Jersey or gotten up to workout.

It wasn’t all that different when I didn’t work from home.  I’d get up, get ready, get in my car and sit in traffic with idiot drivers just to sit at work for 8 or 10 hours. Hell, in the winter I would get to work sometimes when it was dark outside and leave when it was dark outside, not once leaving my desk unless I had to use the restroom or grab a quick Coke out of the vending machine.

The past few weeks I’ve been feeling nostalgic and I now know why. I am rapidly approaching the one year anniversary of my mom, JoAnn’s, death from pancreatic cancer. I have had a hankering to reconnect with so many things, especially from my youth – music, photos, foods, friends and, most of all, my Sweet Home Chicago. I remember so many wonderful things it’s hard to tell you guys about them because they all want to come out at the same time and they get bottlenecked in my throat. But I will share one thing with you this morning – “Piggy” in the park after school.

At about 4 o’clock or so my friends, Pierre, Rachette, Richard, Liz and I (plus some other peripheral friends) would gather in the park directly behind my building in Hyde Park. We’d play a game called “Piggy,” a variation of softball that included no running of the bases but a batter who was at bat until the rest of the players made an “out” by catching the ball using a very uncomplicated set of rules. It was fun and we did this most days after school. We’d be out there so long our moms, God love ‘em, would come out and tell us it was time for dinner. I have so been thinking about those times, and I’ve so been thinking about my mom, whom I miss very, very much.

But why do I bring all of this up this morning? I do it to illustrate a point, at least a perceived one, about activity (or lack thereof) and weight loss. It used to be in the late-70s/early-80s we’d actually go out and play. We’d actually get out and interact with our friends face-to-face. If we wanted to talk to them we’d actually ring them up or knock on their doors. We didn’t have the technology that allows us to text someone, or tweet, when they’re standing right next to us at the mall, in a restaurant or yes, at the park.

Hell. Do kids even go to the park anymore?

I became and obese child, in part, due to a lack of physical activity. I may have played “Piggy” outside but it wasn’t enough, especially when you think about the quality and quantities of food I was consuming. And that was in a pre-PDA, pre X-Box, pre-social media age. The problem lies in that technology isn’t just for kids anymore and we adults can easily get sucked into the vortex of inactivity because we’re spending too much time in the virtual world and not enough time in the real one.

Yesterday I told you guys about how I’d re-gained a hard-fought-for pound. Well, that pound is gone and it took a few of his ouncie friends with him. I am down to 237.8 today thanks not only to lots of physical activity helping a friend move but also just taking the time to run to Chick-fil-A and grabbing a grilled chicken sandwich instead of having crap as that wonderful little voice inside my head keeps saying. But what about today when I don’t have to help a friend move?

So many of my friends on Twitter actually tweet that they “unplug” for a while to go and do something real – feed the kids and wash some clothes, or wash some kids and feed some clothes – and I have to do the same. We all should. I will unplug, at least for a bit, and get out and enjoy the sun, get some vitamin D – maybe even go and see a nesting pair of ducks at Cooper River and wish them well. I made a promise to myself to workout, not gain my weight back and achieve my goal. That will not happen if I’m sitting here at this wonderful box of light waiting on an e-mail that might or might not come in the next few microseconds.

No matter whether we are adults or kids, outside time is important. Time for us is important. It helps us reconnect with what matters most – our families, our real friends (not virtual ones) and most of all, ourselves especially if we are to achieve our weight loss goals. Not to mention the really cool added benefit – it’s damn fun, too.

Today is Saturday, December 12, and it’s my birthday. My 39th to be exact. It’s also the first birthday I am experiencing without my mom. Normally, she’d call me at some point on a birthday (or I’d call her) and we’d talk and she’d sing “Happy Birthday to You” in her sweet voice and no matter how old I would get that wonderful thing never would.

I woke up today though with an anxious feeling. I didn’t know what to expect from today. Knowing me and how emotional I can get over things I didn’t plan much of anything. I knew it would be an introspective day for me. But this feeling of anxiousness is weird. Like I’m expecting something and I don’t know what it is. I suppose that whatever I’m feeling today is “normal” for anyone going through a special occasion or holiday for the first time without a dear loved one.

But I have to admit when I feel like this, when I feel my adrenaline start going or I feel nervous or anxious I feel my demons wake up. I feel my old patterns start to emerge telling me that food will make me calm down. That it will make me feel better. That it will hold me through all of this.

But that is an out-and-out lie. Food never helps. It only hurts. Why would anything that wants to help you put the taste of so many bad-for-you foods in your mouth and make you want to eat them KNOWING not only what you’ve accomplished but also what you continue to work on every single day?

That’s why comfort foods are so bad. They have that smooth voice, that gentle touch, that warming feeling but they ALWAYS leave you cold afterward. Always.

So before I sat down to write today I looked at the photo of my mom. Seeing her sweet face just makes me smile. And while today is so very bittersweet I will do my best to be strong and still avoid foods that would only feel good for a while. I decided when my mom passed away I would still control what I have the power to control, food – no matter what’s going on in my life. I even wrote about it in my weight loss column a few months ago. I will share it with you guys now. It may sound silly to be so worried about weight at such an emotional time, but I’ve found some truths that remain constant in weight loss:

1)      True and effective weight-loss and maintenance can only be achieved over time, even during stressful and emotional times. We’ve worked hard to do what we are doing on a daily basis and no one or nothing can and should take that away from us. Even ourselves, and especially a disease.

2)      Tragedy wins twice if we go back to eating the way we ate before and go back to the weight we were before. No disease, no drama, no job situation, no relationship, etc. is worth our own physical defeat, too.

3)      Life goes on and will go on, and so must we. Which means our weight loss must also go on and be a part of our lives through it all. It’s O.K. It’s a part of taking care of ourselves through a time of tragedy and loss.

Everyone’s situation is different. In the case of my mom, words cannot describe the peaks and valleys of ever-changing emotions and thoughts running through my head. But I will always keep one thought and emotion in my head and heart, respectively. I will not let pancreatic cancer beat us a second time. Mom wouldn’t want that, and neither do I. So bring on the “gauntlet” of my “old friends,” the delicious Italian Beef sandwiches, Chicago-style hot dogs, cheesesteak hoagies, soft pretzels, fried chicken and the biggest, nastiest and fattest burgers they can make.

And I am human. I need to be reminded and encouraged  every now and then, too, like we all do going through a rough patch. Today will be OK because I will make it OK. For us both, and for me. I said it before in my column and I will say it again here…

…If mom and I couldn’t beat pancreatic cancer one way, we sure as hell will beat it another.

So, this morning I have a nutrition class to go to which means I will do my workout afterward.  Don’t worry, I WILL do my usual 4-5 miles on the elliptical.  I promise you that. While I was in the shower, though, I started thinking about the hour or so I devote daily to exercise. That one hour that usually starts my day is the most important time of the day for me. I’ll explain why.

It is the hour that starts my engine going. It sets the tone for my day. It gets my creative juices flowing to write my columns. It helps me keep the covenant I have made with you guys to always work on me and my Battle of the Final Five. It is time I devote to me, for me and about me.

In today’s society, we do not do that enough, I think.

When friends of mine are so busy planning their daily lives based on their Outlook calendars the need to devote time to number one – you – becomes top priority. Particularly in a weight loss battle.

So when I work out this morning I will smile even as it rains outside. I will smile to myself because rainy days make me think of my favorite painting in the entire world – “Paris Street, Rainy Day” by Gustave Caillebotte. Rainy days  me think of my mom, JoAnn, who lost her battle with pancreatic cancer this year but who is always with me particularly on this journey. I can hear her saying “you’re doing a good job, son. Keep it up.”

And so I shall Mama. I love you and thank you.

I will smile because I’m making that time in my day to make sure I do what is good for me to continue to lose and maintain my weight. To work on me for me and my body. To live up to the wonderful praise given to me by my friends and loved ones. I hope I always do well by you guys, this blog and its readers and supporters.

And finally, I will smile because getting out and spending at least one hour a day to exercise and work on me, myself and I, Bill Larson, makes me feel so much better about myself as my day begins. And no matter whether you do a workout at the beginning, middle or end of your busy day please do yourself a favor and devote a least a few of the 168 hours there are in a week to you. Make that change because you deserve it. Walking, the gym, personal trainer…something and anything.

As Beyonce sings “Me, myself and I – that’s all I got in the end…”

Ain’t no truer words spoken.

And by the way, both her song, and Neil Sedaka’s “Laughter in the Rain” are great songs. Just as a suggestion or two for your iPods.