Determined To Succeed

Day fifty-two.

Ugh. I have a cold and I feel like crap today. It started with the always-suspicious scratchy, drippy throat yesterday. As soon as I felt it start I knew I was in for it, but I fought the brave fight. Even at my meeting last night I nursed a 32-ounce (!) hot tea from McDonald’s (one of the only things I will but from them AND it was on the way) complete with honey. I tried but, alas, the common cold won and today my throat is swollen and hurts like a mutha’, I have a slight fever and I am run down. As I said before…ugh!

I know I need to conserve strength today and rest. The problem inherent with that (and feeling like crap) is that you don’t feel like working out AND you need your strength to fight the bug so you have to eat. I don’t know about you but even looking at food sometimes adds inches to my thighs and belly, let alone actually having it. Double ugh! But I know that’s what I need and I will do it so I can get better faster (damned air-conditioning inside/humid-hot weather outside).

Despite feeling crappy, last night’s meeting was awesome. So many of us were sharing stories about ourselves and how we turned to food as comfort to help deal with shame, pain and events in our lives we all wanted to push down and forget. It was amazing learning that much more about the guys in the group, and oh how it helps knowing I’m not the only one who used/uses food to do that. Wow. So cool (yet so sad), indeed.

Food is always a temptation, isn’t it? No matter where you live you can always find some semblance of your “comfort foods” from childhood, your favorite ice-cream at the store, egg rolls, sandwich, loaded french fries, etc. Man, I wish I could go back in time and invest in then up-and-coming companies like Coke, Hostess and the like. This way, as I got to 400 pounds I’d me helping to make myself rich in the process (just a little fat humor there). I also wish I knew why food almost always is used to dull pain. I know the scientific reasons – that it triggers the release of dopamine (sp) and seratonin (sp) in the brain (pleasure chemicals) that make us feel euphoric. But I am talking about the actual WHY we search for pleasure in food.

Maybe it is because it is a constant. Maybe we always turn to food because it is always there, no matter where we live in the world. While so many of us feel fears of abandonment in life we know food won’t do that. It IS always there, readily available and standing by. (Shaking head) I see now how it works. See, this is how my brain functions when it’s got a fever and I’m feeling crappy. I just start thinking about the great mysteries of life and how to solve them. That’s why when we (O.K., I) move to a new area we both seek out and are bombarded with ads for easy foods like pizza. It is recognizable and, despite its many variations, pizza, after all, is pizza.

My friends, you’re gonna have to forgive me today for the blog being short and incoherent but, after a hard day of waking up with a cold, I need to go back to resting. But I will be going back to thinking about the why’s I ate/eat the way I did/do. Sure we need food but we don’t NEED food as much as we think we do. Sometimes just knowing we are not alone and can talk to people is more than enough to satisfy our real craving – for human company and understanding.

Have you guys ever been to Las Vegas? If you have you know that the opportunity to gamble hits you as soon as you get off the plane. Near every gate slot machines welcome you much like the wonderful hula dancers do in Hawai’i. Except instead of Leis and the sounds of island music you are welcomed with the pings, dings and electronic sounds that beckon you to come a “throw a few in” before hitting “the Strip.”

For me going home to Chicago is the same kind of experience, except instead of really cool flowered necklaces or blinky “one-armed bandits” I am welcomed by the temptations of Chicago food, starting with the Chicago-style hot dog. I don’t remember if I’ve ever described to you how absolutely yummy a Chicago-style hot dog is so I’ll start with it’s ingredients:

One sesame seed hot dog bun steamed to perfect softness, one Vienna Beef frank, mustard (and absolutely never, under penalty of being shown to the next departing flight, do you EVER add ketchup), onions, nuclear green relish (Chicagoans know what I mean when I say nuclear green), hot peppers, cucumbers, tomato slices and a pickle wedge topped off with a sprinkle of celery salt. Now that’s good eatin’, and the beginning of my visit home.

Some of you might be saying “that’s too much crap to put on a hot dog.” Well, no it’s not. That’s why hot dogs are famous in Chicago.  They are absolutely delicious, and like the Sears Tower or Wrigley Field (my Field of Dreams), a part of the city itself. But the beauty of this is equal to the problem with it – it begins in the airport and it ends in the airport.

Whenever I go home my friends here in the Philadelphia/South Jersey area ask me “so Bill. Are you going to have any Chicago pizza when you get home? Or that Italian Beef sandwich you keep talking about?” And the answer is never easy. I say “Nah. This trip I’m going to have my favorite Chinese food (at least an egg roll or two). Maybe a hot dog.” You see I have to be sooooo careful whenever I go home because a trip home usually means being tempted by the same foods that helped me grow to be over 400 pounds.

Today, I was lucky enough to have one of my hometown papers, the Chicago Sun-Times, do a story on me and weight loss and that’s what got me thinking about going home and eating. It’s so automatic. It’s so instant. It’s so tempting. Most of all, it’s so dangerous. All the foods I love in my favorite place in the entire world – home. It’s comforting and dangerous and so very tempting to have my home food experience begin as soon as I get off that plane.

But do I enjoy myself? You bet your a – er, I mean, bottom dollar – I do. But now I have to be almost hyper aware of my surroundings, situations and emotions whenever I’m near my favorite places – like 65 Seafood Restaurant, my favorite Chinese Food and egg roll in the city, near the corner of Michigan Avenue & Wacker (Wacker. Wacker. It is funny sounding, I know, but a street name, nonetheless).The legendary Superdawg on the corner of Milwaukee and Devon (pronounced de-VAHN by us natives), or Portillos in the heart of downtown on the corner of Ontario and Clark. Even Gene & Jude Red Hot Stand on River Road who hand-cut their delicious french fries right in front of ya’. That’s tasty eatin’, indeed. Not to mention my South Side/Hyde Park favorites – Harold’s Chicken (best damn fried chicken in the city), Ribs ‘N Bibs and Valois, a restaurant known as much for its wonderful all-walks-of-life clientele as it is for its “see your food” cafeteria-style method of serving.

You can see how a Chicago boy like me could grow up to grow out so much. This is what I have to be hyper aware of when I go home – the cravings for all these foods bombarding me like the beautiful neon and lighted signs and pings, dings and blinks of the slot machines that are abound in Las Vegas.

Nowadays, I am better. Not perfect, but better, about eating if/when I go home. I certainly give myself a big pep talk before stepping foot on my homeward bound plane saying “OK, Larson. You know you need to make smart choices. If you’re gonna have this you can’t have that. Got it?” And if I am lucky I do avoid giving in to the culinary temptations that surround me almost at every corner.

However I do admit having slot machines in the airport is a smart deal. They may not get you coming in, but, ideally, you’ve had so much fun you want just one last taste of it before heading back to reality, especially when waiting for your flight. This is the exact thing I feel in C Terminal at O’Hare International Airport. Whenever I’m home I have a blast just walking the streets that I want one more Taste of Chicago before heading back to Philly…

…one more hot dog for the road.

And for those history buffs out there…

The “Chicago Style” hot dog got its start from street cart hot dog vendors during the hard times of the Great Depression. Money was scarce, but business was booming for these entrepreneurs who offered a delicious hot meal on a bun for only a nickel. The famous Chicago Style Hot Dog was born! They’d start with a Vienna Beef hot dog, nestle it in a steamed poppyseed bun and cover it with a wonderful combination of toppings: yellow mustard, bright green relish, fresh chopped onions, juicy red tomato wedges, a kosher-style pickle spear, a couple of spicy sport peppers, cucumber and finally, a dash of celery salt. This unique hot dog creation with a “salad on top” and its memorable interplay of hot and cold, crisp and soft, sharp and smooth, became America’s original fast food and a true Chicago institution.

Oh man. Thanks to a shot of Nyquil last night (and day two of this cold) I feel as though I’ve been hit by a Mack truck this morning. I actually feel slightly better, though, thanks to some wonderful soup for dinner and orange juice. Lots and lots of orange juice. I’ve had so much orange juice since yesterday afternoon you could split me open and squeeze me and probably fill a glass for yourself.

But man, I feel out of it. I know that’s the body’s way of saying “go back to bed (and don’t you worry, I will be) but I had to get up and write.

Yesterday I wrote about feeding a cold. Well, I fed it alright. I fed it a thin pizza for lunch and that afore-mentioned soup. I gave it all the water it could drink and, again, orange juice. I fed it so that it would get the hell out of my body. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. Oh well. So day two of the cold is here. It’s nestled somewhere deep in my chest (which is where colds seem to like to reside in my body) and I have the voice that’s a cross between someone whose sick and someone who DJ’s for a living at the late night jazz radio station.

I know I’m not describing anything new to you guys when I talk about how this cold is making me feel. Suffice it to say I don’t have the energy God gave a flea so this is day two of not only having a cold but also not working out. Grrrrrr. A total drag I don’t mind telling you. I know, I know. It’s better I just rest and deal with whatever pounds I gain from just eating and sleeping later. But I do worry. I know as soon as I’m able I will be back in the gym working out. There’s just a part of me wishing I could do that now, leaving the sick part of me at home to sleep.

Oooooh, does sleep sound good. OK, before I go back to bed I just wanted to say this: it is better to feed that cold. I know I feel horrible today but I feel that way because my body is fighting a bug and is concentrating all its energy on that. That energy comes from the calories and the entire orchard of orange juice I seemed to drink yesterday. So don’t be afraid to give the body the foods it needs to recover.

You (and I) will work off those added pounds. When we feel better that is.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz……….

Happy Tuesday, my friends.  Today is going to be a busy day and there’s tons on my “to-do” list.

I have stuff to do for the website, errands to run and phone calls to return. And while all of that is all well and good that is basically a great cocktail (at least for me) to eat badly. And you know the kind of eating I mean. The mindless kind, where you’re working so hard you grab something handy and just sit back down to continue working. I can’t do that. I won’t do that.

Part of why I can’t do that is that I need to get my butt to the gym. I have been doing well lately changing up my exercise routine (man, I can really feel it in my legs) and I am watching what I eat (and trying to lay off the sodas/pops). But sitting at one’s desk does pose a challenge. I know how busy we all can get. I know when time is of the essence and things need to get done and how little time you have. I really do.

I remember a time in my life when I used to be so caught-up in work I just reached over while still reading my computer screen to gram whatever-it-was I had for lunch and shove it into my mouth. On some days it was pizza. Most days Chinese food. Man. Why wasn’t it ever a salad/ Why wasn’t it ever fruit or a veggie? Or even just less of what I was eating? I wish I could tell you. I hadn’t had my “epiphany” yet, that moment I knew I had to wrest control of my life back from me for me.

So do me a favor today. OK? If you have a busy day coming up today take a look at what you eat today and make a note of it. Then, when you do have time, ask yourself if there was a way to do that better. For example, if you know you’ll be running from meeting to meeting brown bag lunch and carry it with you throughout the day so you’re prepared. You know, that sort of thing.

And I will take today in hand, too, and do the best I can (as we all do) on this weight loss and maintenance journey. Which reminds me I need to add “run to the store for healthier snacks” to my “to-do” list for today.Another thing I am doing today is talking to a personal trainer about steps we all can take to get leaner which I will share with you when he and I finally do have a chance to sit down.

See, lots to keep track of. During it all I will keep track of the snacks I have, the meals I eat and the exercise I get. This way, at the end of today, I can look back and say “yes,” “no” or “eh, so-so.” So have a great day, my friends. And remember. The number one thing on the top of your “to-do” list has to be you. No matter what. Remember that and everything else will fall into place.

Ah, here we are. Another weekend. Another chance to suck it up and make sure I both exercise and eat well.

But two things bother me going into this weekend. I’m stuck at 233, which I guess is OK, and I have a birthday party I need to go to tonight and I’m worried about eating too many of the wrong things. See, first and foremost, I am a stress/emotional eater. Second, a social eater. I like having what others have. I like reaching for buffalo wings, pizza slices, loaded nachos, onion rings, fried cheese sticks and Coca-Colas, too.

And it does suck sometimes knowing I’m gonna be nursing some water and trying to find God knows what on the menu to eat. It always seems the healthiest choices on the menu sound the least appetizing. But I’m going to take a deep breath and remember my own words. I know I just have to be good and think about what I put into my body tonight. I am the only one who can do that. I am the only one who makes me eat anything. And I am the one who has to answer for it on the scale.

See, talking it out helps me, too. It helps me re-focus and know that being fat was my own doing from the things I did to myself. And if I never want to see that old me again I have to be good whether it’s the weekend or not.

OK, I feel much better. Thanks for listening to me vent. Now, off to the gym…

…and I will let you guys know tomorrow how I do tonight. And remember, you have that power, too. Deciding what foods enter your body is all up to you as it is to me.