Determined To Succeed

Day fifty-four.

Ah, the smell of fresh air. At least I can breath a little better today. And my energy level is up, too. Both awesome things after the past few days of dealing with a cold. I even ate really well yesterday. I had a reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee (extra crunch) from Dunkin’ Donuts, for lunch I had a bagel (not great but better than fast food) and for dinner I had steak and roasted potatoes. Damned tasty if you ask me. Amazing what resting does – it so helps get the body, and the mind, right again.

Today is the start of the weekend and the start of my catch-up time, taking care of things I couldn’t take care of because I was sick. Laundry, errands, writing, cleaning…all parts of life that got put on hold. I ended up not eating salad yesterday because I thought I needed a bit more protein than that and I was right. Even this morning I had the leftover steak along with some eggs to give myself a protein boost as I start my day. Also, tomorrow I restart taking my mixed martial arts classes. I haven’t been in a while and I know tomorrow’s class is gonna kick my ass, but that’s cool. According to my sensei, Doug Shaffer, the first one back is always a hard one and he should know. He’s been kind of under the weather, himself. So tomorrow’s class should be fun for us both.

But it is the weekend and my mind turns to getting back into routine. I am up in my weight and I can tell because I feel sluggish, bloated and bulky. Ugh. But I will get back on that horse starting this weekend so I can get to my goal of 225 again. I know I just need one good sweaty workout to get my mind back in the game. Until then I will do what I can to focus and continue eating better (and lighter).

You know, as we all enter the weekend and play catch-up time in our lives remember to make time for yourself. On my journey these past fifty-four days I am discovering, more and more, who I am in all of this. It turns out I like who I am, especially after peeling away the bullshit of addiction, bad behaviors, bad habits…everything. It is so great to remember joy and happiness, motivation and humanity. It is awesome. Very much so, it’s like that breath of fresh air I mentioned earlier.

When it all comes down to it we have to take care of ourselves. I used to have this phrase I employed in relation to politics, specifically the presidency, that I think applies here. I said that we need to be strong at home before we can be strong for the world. And oh, how that is true, and it applies in so many facets in life. A person needs to be strong in himself (and over his common cold) to be able to get back in the game and help others. A family needs a good foundation so that it can donate time and energies to volunteer projects and causes. And even the President needs to have a strong and fortified domestic policy and strong economy so that we, as a nation, can help other nations around the world. I mean it just doesn’t make sense to help others when there are people starving, sick and uneducated right here.

O.K., enough of my soapbox. The point is we all need a breath of fresh air sometimes. It doesn’t matter if we are getting over a cold or just need a break from the routine. We all need that air because we have to be strong to take care of ourselves. Once we can do that we can handle what life throws at us. And not only that, we can appreciate the blessings we enjoy every day including our continued better health and weight loss.

So tomorrow I will sweat my ass off again and start, once again, re-re-re-re-losing the extra weight I’ve gained. Afterward I will look up and thank God and my mom’s spirit and the universe for the strength to be able to do those things and not take them for granted anymore. Times a wasting if you do. Because in this thing we call life, if we don’t take care of ourselves and do right and better by others, we will find we have precious little time left to enjoy life and those breaths of fresh air.

Have a great weekend, my friends. Talk to you on Monday.

PS: Don’t forget to workout. I will, too.

Day thirty.

Do any of you gamble? It doesn’t matter really if you do or not. I guess what I am asking is if you guys are familiar with the ways people gamble in places like Atlantic City or Las Vegas. They use chips at all the table games instead of actual money in part so you feel like you are playing with “fake” cash. You may remember you are dealing with your own hard-earned cash but at least the various chips are pretty and shiny and fun to look at.

My favorite table game is Craps, a game where the shooter stands in position and rolls two dice down a long oval table while she/he and others place chips on the table betting on what number will come up when the roll is completed. I love Craps because, when a great shooter is up, you can win a great deal of money. The energy is high and everyone is excited and feeling good – as long as I remember to take it easy and place conservative and somewhat conservative bets on the table. It’s when I go and think “I’ll be O.K.” that I over bet and lose. That’s, invariably, when even the best shooters “seven out,” rolling a seven which means that round is over and EVERYONE loses EVERYTHING on the table.

There are other games of chance of course that also employ chips – various versions of poker, Roulette, Blackjack and more all use chips and you sure as hell want to have a lot of chips in the game. The more you have the longer you can stay, have fun and play. Also, the more you have the more you’re not going broke from losing your fun, pretty “play” money because it’s never fun (or very smart) to gamble using just one or a few chips.

They even mention playing chips in the movies. There’s a quote from “Clear and Present Danger,” the Harrison Ford flick based on the Tom Clancy novel. In the movie (I don’t know if this scene is in the book as I’ve never read Clancy) Ford as hero Jack Ryan is confronting the President with information he has about an operation that was illegal. Ford’s character knows that this is huge and could, in effect, bring down many people in government including the President, who turns to Ford/Ryan and says “you won’t do that. You have a chip in the big game now and when you need something I’m going to be the one to cash it in for you.” Ford then tells the President off, walks out of the room and testifies in front of Congress anyway, and you can imagine him mentally holding onto that “one chip” in his head, and you know he ain’t going to bet with just one chip.

I guess you all are wondering why I am talking about chips today. Well, I’ll tell you. Today is my thirtieth day of sobriety. I had always seen in the movies that people in Al-Anon get a chip to mark their month-iversary of sobriety. One single chip. In doing a bit of looking before writing I see that many different A.A. groups and many different companies distribute and make, respectively, different chips – chips marking everything from 24-hours of sobriety to years of sobriety. But no matter how many hours, days, weeks, months or years you are sober the idea is you carry this chip/these chips with you to remind you to stay sober.

In the movies the person who receives or has the chip will always be faced with the dillema of whether or not to take a drink, thereby negating the sobriety already achieved. They will be tempted to act out on their bottom line behaviors when faced with X, Y or Z. Most recently I saw it in an episode of last season’s “Flash Forward,” a show in which two of its main characters are recovering alcoholics – both of whom take a drink and give in to their demons.

But if I have learned anything from the movies and table games in Vegas it’s that you never, ever gamble when the stakes are that high and you have only one chip to your name. In many cases it may be all the currency you have in the world and you have to hold onto it with both hands because it’s all you’ve got to get you home.

And being just thirty days sober means I have but one, precious chip.

Is it fun to gamble from time to time? Sure it is but I ain’t ever gonna gamble with this most precious chip. It’s what I’ve got. It’s all I’ve got. And as I stand on day thirty of this sobriety I am feeling better now, more honest and free, than I ever have and I’ll be damned if I am going to gamble that away the way I’ve gambled before. Yesterday, I met a friend of mine for coffee and she has lost a lot of weight and I bet she wouldn’t bet that chip for the world since that weight loss and happiness was hard-fought-for and a long time in coming.

I may not get an actual chip today but I don’t need one. I won’t need one and I will never need one because I do not need a wooden coin to remind myself how lucky I truly am in this world. I’m going to take today and just breathe and think about what my life was like thirty-one days and more ago. Those thoughts of that old me will be all the reminder I ever need, and all the strength I need, to not gamble with my one, precious chip no matter what happens for the rest of my life.