Determined To Succeed

Happy weekend and day one-hundred-thirty-one, my friends.

Now that I am back to being healthy (at least I feel like a million bucks compared to how I felt week before last) I am starting to slowly get back on the horse and exercise again. But I must admit when I do I get nervous. Just a few weeks ago I was in really shaky shape physically. I lost 2/3 of my blood and, according to my doctor, that REALLY wasn’t good. In fact, I might not have recovered. That is a scary proposition for a guy, especially for one who is finally seeing life with new eyes and who has a goal of never being the old Bill ever again, physically or otherwise.

During my hospital stay I gained weight. I knew I would because I wasn’t exercising. For me, it’s not just eating better or lighter it’s also physical activity that helps me lose weight. Even on the clear liquid diet I was on in the hospital I gained weight (especially from all the fluids they were pumping me with). When I was discharged I asked how long it would be until I could exercise again and they said “take it slow and exercise gradually until you build yourself back up to where you were which may take a couple of months.”

A couple of months?! Sheesh. OK, I admit, that freaked me out, too. Since dropping this weight, and regaining twenty, I have been trying my best to get rid of it and stay at or near my goal weight. But being out of the hospital and NOT being able to exercise is a trick, especially since being re-introduced to solid foods – foods which, of course, make you gain weight.

I know. I know. I’m supposed to help my body (and blood) recoup by eating and making sure it has the nutrients it needs to do that. Not to mention eating is a part of life and I can ever ignore that. But I know my body and it doesn’t let go of weight unless I sweat to the oldies in the gym on an elliptical or by doing my punches and kicks.

However, something in me has changed physically and I can’t ignore that. I have always told all of you that you should consult a doctor before doing any new and strenuous exercises and it’s time I took my own advice. I am human and like all humans I think I am invincible, that I can do anything I want and have it not affect me. But that is not the case. I could have died because of the amount of blood I lost, and I am lucky I didn’t. I am lucky I lost this weight in the first place so my heart wasn’t lugging around an extra 165-plus pounds on my frame. I was lucky I listened to reason and called my doctor when I knew I wasn’t “right.” I was lucky to get a second chance with this, too, and I am not about to blow it because of a desire to go sweat and get that weight off yesterday.

So I am letting go. I am letting go of that urgency. I will only be doing what I can, especially in this recovery period. I was scared and I should still be concerned about doing too much too soon in all of this. If I lose a pound or two every month or so I will be happy. Hell, I will be happy just maintaining my weight through the holidays (as we all are, I’m sure). I will let go of all that because I have to take care of myself. I recently got out of the hospital for God’s sake and I’m not about to go screw myself up more by becoming “The Biggest Loser” overnight.

So there you have it, my friends. My new outlook. Funny how a stay in the hospital (and a taste of mortality) can change a perspective. We are all in this together but I will say it again and again and again, be careful doing the things you do to lose weight. Do it naturally as much as possible. It is a true change in lifestyle, not a quick fix you can employ and expect to do wonders. Do it wisely and talk to a doctor and see what’s best and right for you. Most of all, don’t over do it. Do what you can and be happy you can do something at all. And remember, we are all on this earth for such a short time. Make the most of it by enjoying and appreciating life and those in your lives. I know I do, every single day. That, a healthier diet and some exercise every now and then will, at least in my humble opinion, be the best thing we all can do to be on this earth for as long as possible.

Have a great weekend and I will talk to you all next week on my regular Monday/Wednesday/Friday schedule.

Day thirty-nine.

I have a neighbor whose name is Hector. He lives just around the corner from me and he’s a friendly guy. He is always walking around the neighborhood saying “hello” to people and he always has a smile on his face whenever you see him and every day Monday through Friday he is off to enjoy a day’s worth of activities someplace nearby. Seeing Hector and hearing Hector makes me feel lucky in so many ways every single day. Why? Because Hector is physically and mentally challenged.

I am not sure exactly from what or which challenge Hector suffers but it’s clear. Whenever I see Hector he always says “hey” and I always say “hey” back but what I really want to say is “you poor guy. I am so sorry you are afflicted the way you are.” But does he or would he ever want my pity? No. He, I assume, would just want my simple understanding that he is different. That’s all. Of course he can’t run, jump or even carry on a conversation at the level you and I are used to. But in Hector’s disability comes an incredible ability – the ability to just smile and try to appreciate the life he has.

I am quite sure he and his family go through the same things other families go through when a person can’t take care of themselves. They get frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious and tired and want some type of “vacation” away from the responsibility for that level of care. My aunt told me as much taking care of my mom, JoAnn’s, during her final months and in a letter or two after she died. It is a hefty burden, indeed, to care for someone that way but it makes me think about where my life has taken me in these almost 40 years.

Over 40 days ago I was in the throws of addiction and didn’t know how, when or where to get help. But thanks to the catastrophic failures I experienced I am now on a path of sobriety and recovery. I can again really taste food, enjoy it, enjoy being outside, exercising and more…and all because my heart, mind and soul are all now one again and in the same place. It’s sad, though. Before, when I was much sicker, I never thought about the lessons Hector could teach me. Now that I can think clearly I can see the absolute lessons God, my mom’s spirit and the universe are throwing my way.

Life is just too fucking short sometimes. You hear all the time about teens having their lives cut short in accidents or by health conditions about which they didn’t know. You see on the news horrific stories about people disgruntled at work grabbing a gun and blowing people away (which unfortunately happened recently in the Philadelphia area) just because of disagreements and perceived animosities. And you see all the time people who need help just walking down the street but who give it their absolute best because they are trying to cling to what’s left of their independence. But here I was pissing my life away with addictions, which did include food, wasting the gifts I was given for such a long time.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Well, so is health sometimes.

I would dare me, you, kids these days – anybody – to trade places with Hector for just five minutes. Use some sci-fi machinery to switch bodies for just five minutes and I would bet you anything, ANYTHING, that each and every person who did that would forever appreciate even the simplest of gifts like mobility and speech, gifts we all too often take for granted. In these sobering days I am soooooo appreciating life in ways I never imagined before because I could see where my life was going and where I would have ended up. I have always said to you I know I would have died sooner and not later if I stayed at 400 pounds and I will believe that until the day I see my mom again.

Why am I so down today? I’m not really, for if you listen you will hear the voice of someone who is breathing again and someone who is loving life and who will always do his best from now on to live each day well and appreciate everything in it. Even the simple ability to type out this silly weight loss blog every damn day is a gift, as is the gift of being able to exercise, take my mixed martial arts class and keep my weight in check so I can enjoy activities I’ve never done before. I will also no longer be bad about my eating because I don’t want to gain that weight back for if I did, that would be spitting in the face of all we work so hard to do every single day to maintain weight loss. It would also insult my mom. No,  I will not squander life and it’s gifts, including time, ever, EVER again.

So, the next time you are down about anything go for a walk, exercise, write a letter or talk to a friend. They may seem like simple things to you and me but these are all things Hector can’t do. And just when you think life isn’t going your way remember I know one guy who lives just around the corner who, I’m sure, would be more than happy to trade places with any one of us in a heartbeat to live the lives we live and be free from his own limitations.

Day Twenty-nine.

Good morning and happy Labor Day, my friends. It sounds weird to wish you a “happy” Labor Day but I guess I can, right?” I mean what started out as a way for President Grover Cleveland to help reconcile with the labor movement in 1894 has become for all of us a way to grab the breath of fresh air we need and re-inflate the sails of our lives. And much like the rest of America I was just about done when the weekend hit. My brain was trashed. I didn’t even know what to write about. I, too, needed a break. So that’s exactly what I did. I disconnected from this land of the virtual and reconnected with the actual and it felt good. Damn good, especially as I reclaim my soul and become a whole human being again.

There are two parts to re-inflation. First you have to plug the hole that’s letting out air then you set about taking big, deep breaths to help put wind back in your sails. It’s a two-part process and you can’t do one without the other and, for me, part of plugging that hole was to attend my twelve-step meeting on Saturday night. It was a particularly deep meeting, with the six of us (the number varies from week to week) discussing select steps of the twelve-step program in our fellowship. And I have to say, after hearing what’s going on in the lives of others, I know I truly am a lucky man.

One person in particular, I will call her Jane, spoke to the group about losing faith. She still believed in God but she had almost completely lost faith in both herself and in recovery. She laid out what she had done over the past week and described how, time after time, she gave in to her demons and questioned whether or not she could even stop taking her drugs or choice. She told the fellowship how she sat and cried not knowing how to break the cycle of her addictions (and she has multiple) and become a healthy human being again. She sat lost, truly lost, and you could see it in her face. We all could.

I know exactly how Jane feels. Everyone in that meeting knows how Jane feels, when your sails are so completely deflated and you are adrift in the open sea with no course set and no land in sight. You are scared of losing both your mind and soul to something (or somethings) that take you, piece by piece until all you have left is the shell of your body which you, yourself, can’t control. It’s a horrible feeling.

As I sat there listening and nodding my head in agreement to some of the things she was saying (hell, we all nodded) I felt damned lucky. Even with everything that’s happened in my life and even with everything I have done I feel lucky. I feel lucky that I have been given the chance to reclaim my soul. I feel lucky that I am here, present and accounted-for, again. I feel lucky that, unlike several others in the group, I am not currently fighting multiple addictions at the same time. I feel lucky that I am alive and can have the opportunity to be the good-for-something human being I always wanted to be.

There comes a moment that for me sums up why twelve-step meetings enlist faith. You must enlist faith because when the meetings are over you say good-bye to the others and walk out that door simultaneously hoping both they and you make it to the next meeting. Now only you can know what’s in your heart and mind which for me that means NEVER being the old me again and always striving to be healthy, but you wonder about the others, particularly those in deep, deep crisis. You want them to make it, or at least make it to the next meeting. You hope something plugs the holes in their lives so they can at least have the chance to gain back some wind and some momentum. But you don’t know. You never know, so you pray for them and pray they will be OK.

Those meetings are what I need so much to keep the holes in my life, mind, body and soul plugged so I can continue to have the wind at my back. Reconnecting with and enjoying life is what we all need, especially when facing and trying to climb what seems like a mountain our our own baggage. But it can be done. It will be done, at least it will by me.

Did I have way too much to eat this weekend, particularly yesterday at a BBQ? Yes (and yes, my weight went back up as a result), but it felt wonderful. Food has ten-times more taste, and I enjoyed it. And how did I enjoy it? Because I wasn’t being bandied about by the rocky waters of doubt and shame anymore. I was being carried toward a destination by the winds put back in my sails, winds that will carry me throughout the rest of my life.

You and I may have our weight loss issues in common, but always remember that you (and I) have more in common with others than you think. And you should thank your lucky stars if, on most days, you have wind in your sails to guide you through situations in your life. Food, weight loss, work, friends, relationships, etc., because someone somewhere might not. So treat that precious wind, that amazing breath of fresh air, as the gift that it is. For it is the gift of healing, of strength and, most of all, life.

Day twenty-four.

Happy September, everyone. Man, yesterday I was both a mess and euphoric. I admit, when I’m sick, I’m a bit of a baby especially since I don’t get sick very often. And while it wasn’t the full-bore cold it could have been it was enough to sap my strength, make my head all poofy and have my throat all scratchy and in pain the whole day. On the other hand, I took care of myself, something I haven’t done really for a long, long time and part of that care involved two things: taking myself for a nice walk in the clean, hot air and going to a twelve-step meeting last night.

I was very torn about the walk. I had zero energy and motivation to get up from the couch and I sure as hell didn’t want to get ready and dressed to walk outside for an hour. But I had to clear my head. Not just physically because of the cold or because I felt like acting out or anything, but because I was mulling something over in my brain. I was thinking about everything and needed some time to commune with nature and my mom, JoAnn’s, spirit to help me be calm and relax. Later, I attended my twelve-step meeting which, I have to say is a wonderful way to re-juice the soul because it’s great knowing you have the fellowship and support of the people around you on any given night.

Whenever I sit in that room and listen to others I gain new perspectives on things. They help me turn things over in my brain and center me and last night’s meeting gave me a good idea of what pain is like from the perspective of someone experiencing it. I have to tell you how powerful that is, and how humbling. It strips away every piece of bullshit inside you and makes you feel something which, for many of us, is for the first time in years. Feeling the pain of others makes me realize and understand the pain I have put people through in my life. I may not be able to fully make amends to those people but I sure am trying the best way I know how – going to these meetings and getting the help I need.

I can only imagine that other addictions are the same at their core. You crave X and will do anything – lie, cheat, hurt people, shut yourself off – just to have X. That also goes for food. But with addiction, the more you spiral down into it the more shame you feel, therefore you withdraw more and more into your world, alone and broken not knowing how to get out.

After feeling the sun on my face yesterday and after going to my meeting I felt present. Yes, it does hurt to hear these things and yes, it does hurt facing them but any addict needs to if they are to get out of their own personal abyss. It needs to be felt because our emotions have been out of it for so long and it does cause others great pain. That goes for food, drugs, alcohol, whatever. If recovery were easy it wouldn’t work, plain and simple. Put another way, we addicts need to feel to know what it’s like to be a human being again, one that’s not driven by a drug but one that is driven by being a feeling being.

That is why I was euphoric. I felt that pain yesterday. I felt it. I wasn’t distracting myself and it felt good. That’s why I didn’t give in to the temptation to just be a slug on my couch. I got up and walked. I did that to take care of me in my recovery from being under the weather. And I went to my twelve-step meeting to take care of me in my recovery to heal as a human being to try to be a good and decent man.

I am starting to come back down in my weight, too. I am at 235 even today and that feels amazing. I can feel that excitement again. I have a measly ten pounds to go to re-achieving my goal weight and I will one day. I will because I recognize what it’s like to turn off and medicate and numb yourself to reality. However, now I am facing reality for the first time and it strengthens me, thank God. That goes for my weight loss journey, too. I was so worried about handling one addiction I was turning back to food as comfort. I just realized it and got a handle on both, that’s all. And I was able to do that because the pieces of my soul that had been gone for so long are now coming back and making me here and present and alive.

It’s amazing what a person can do when they have their soul back. It is. That will give me the strength to kick that bag today and that will give me the strength to carry on in weight loss and in recovery. And in the end, I won’t be a mess anymore. I will be healed in body, mind and, most of all, spirit so I never again fall into the dark abyss I was in for so long.

Day nine.

It’s absolutely amazing how addictions, to no matter what, seem to show the same patterns and symptoms. Take for example denial. The old Bill would have made a funny, cheesy joke about it not being a river in Egypt, but this new Bill knows all too well denial because I lived it – twice. It is no laughing or joking matter. It is serious and it applied to my weight loss then and it applies to my life now.

Before, when I was over 400 pounds I was in complete denial. How do I know? One, it was always in the back of my head. I just chose to ignore it. Two, because I am finally facing what denial is thanks to the help I am seeking now and I can say I exhibited all the signs of it. It says in twelve-step literature, denying a problem exists is a common form of resistance for those having trouble recognizing and coming to grips with their problems. Various forms of denial include thinking:

• “I’m not as bad as others…”
• “I’m not addicted to (and insert your addiction here)…”
• “I come from a good family/better background…”
• “One more time won’t hurt…”
• “This is everywhere, therefore I can’t get free.”

When I was 400 pounds I swear to God I thought each and every one of these things. I would walk into a big and tall store and plop down my money for a size 5XL shirt thinking “hell, they do make shirts in 6XL and even 7XL. And I’m not that bad.” Thinking I wasn’t addicted to food was just a joke. It was like I couldn’t live without it. Even here I talk about food extremely fondly. Of course, we all have a soft place in our hearts for our favorite foods, but back then I “needed” them. The taste in my mouth for them was so great I had to satisfy it and most often did.

I also thought that since my mama loved me and instilled in me a sense of “you can do anything” I was “above” that kind of thing. And one more egg roll, Sausage McMuffin with Egg sandwich or hot dog would not only not hurt but also not make a difference in my weight even though I was topping the scale at 400. Shit, and the last thing, the “it’s everywhere, therefore I can’t get free” thing is why I call driving on a main street “driving the gauntlet,” the row of endless fast food chains waiting to take you in with open arms to offer you greasy comfort.

That is denial and I went through it then, and like I said recently realized how much I was in denial again about a great many things. Denial is powerful, but denial is also a two-sided coin. On one side denial offers you excuses to continue. It gives you the reasoning in your mind to keep doing X, Y or Z. It keeps you company when you are alone and feeling disgusted after doing X, Y or Z, remember “one more time won’t hurt.”

But if you flip the script denial gives you the keys to recognizing you have a problem and can actually help you stop what you are doing. You know the cheesy, cliche line “recognizing you have a problem is the first step in recovery?” Well, it may be cliche but the shit is true, and it will be true forever. If you are ready, I mean really bottomed out and ready to actually work on this, then the signs of denial are almost like a roadmap to getting help.

Back in 2005 I came to grips with the fact that I had to lose weight or I’d be dead. Now, I am coming to grips with the many “whys” I was that way, why I am this way and what I’m going to do about it. I am not in denial anymore and it feels good and I plan to stay on this road to recovery. And if you, out there, are wanting to lose weight and know you need to lose weight because your health and life are affected take a good, long and hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are in denial. The scale and mirror don’t lie, so when you admit that to yourself you help yourself more than you’ll ever know. And moreover, it flips the coin of denial from the bad side to the good side and takes away that demon’s power over you.

Our struggles may be ongoing but we are fighting and that is something, especially when you are trying to regain a foothold on life – especially one that slips out of even your own control. And very much like when I was in denial twice (remember, about weight and current issues) I have made this promise twice: I never want to be there again. I said it with weight and won and I am saying it now. I want the old Bill gone and gone forever and I will do everything in my power to make that happen.