Determined To Succeed

Day sixty.

How cool and exciting is that?! For sixty days I have been sober and appreciating life and am facing, for the first time, not feeling fear about facing the past while looking forward to the future. It is awesome to finally (FINALLY) be proud of myself and to admit to people that I was ashamed of things in my past, things which led me down dark and twisty paths until I hit my rock bottom. But I am, with each and every day, striving always to be changed, better and a different man – one that my mom, JoAnn Larson, would be proud to say is her son. I love you, Ma! Very much.

I think she also might be proud that I stayed in the house last night to eat. Do you know how freaking tempting it is to eat out? Even when you have a fridge full of food it is so tempting to say “screw it, I’m gonna just go buy this or that or the other.” Never mind that, for just a little time and effort, you can eat not just well but very well and have some kick-ass dishes.

Take for example breakfast. Those of you who have followed me over almost the past year (and thank you so much for doing that) know I love McDonald’s breakfast sausage. Besides their french fries it is the reason to eat there. In my former 400-pound life I used to down a couple of Sausage McMuffin with Egg sandwiches, two of their addictive and crack-like hash browns while washing it down with a large Coke (yes, one that was ice-cold). That was my breakfast! Yes, I bought that every single day. I can’t tell you how much money I spent over the years doing that, either. A small fortune, I’m sure. Now, over these past few years I’ve all but stopped going to McDonald’s except for the every blue moon “O.K., it’s the only thing around and I’m hungry” and their new fruit smoothies (particularly the strawberry banana). But I cooked breakfast at home today. I got out a frying pan, two eggs, one turkey sausage pattie and a small amount of shredded mozzarella cheese, all of which I had in the fridge having already purchased these things at the store. In no time at all I had me my very own sausage, egg and cheese sandwich on wheat toast and it was yummy…

…and better prepared…

…and waaaaaaaaay cheaper.

Same thing goes for lunch. Yesterday, I had leftover meatloaf, mashed potatoes (real ones made from the mashing of whole potatoes) and greens. Was it easier to say “screw it, I don’t want this” and go out to get something? Yeppers, but I didn’t and the leftovers were good. Damn good, even. And again waaaaay cheaper.

The point I’m trying to make is that we need to make adjustments to our lifestyles if we are ever going to truly attack weight loss and fight the “battle of the bulge.” No matter whether food is your drug of choice or not we all have to stop acting out, especially if food is how you “self-medicate.” I know the temptations of eating out are great. Food prepared in flashy ways with great marketing campaigns is great, but nothing compared to the food you’ve had all along at home in your own fridge. Food, that with just a little time and effort, becomes the best banquet of all.

I know that changing a life ain’t easy. Believe me, I know several ways and times over, but it can be done as long as you have the heart to face whatever is truly making you “act out” in life.  When you do that, when you finally turn around and face whatever it is you’re running from, you will finally be free of it and the shame that makes you numb yourself. There is a wonderful world out there and it should be enjoyed. So go, enjoy it and appreciate it but always remember the best foods are the foods made at home with hard work, time and your own two hands.

Day thirty.

Do any of you gamble? It doesn’t matter really if you do or not. I guess what I am asking is if you guys are familiar with the ways people gamble in places like Atlantic City or Las Vegas. They use chips at all the table games instead of actual money in part so you feel like you are playing with “fake” cash. You may remember you are dealing with your own hard-earned cash but at least the various chips are pretty and shiny and fun to look at.

My favorite table game is Craps, a game where the shooter stands in position and rolls two dice down a long oval table while she/he and others place chips on the table betting on what number will come up when the roll is completed. I love Craps because, when a great shooter is up, you can win a great deal of money. The energy is high and everyone is excited and feeling good – as long as I remember to take it easy and place conservative and somewhat conservative bets on the table. It’s when I go and think “I’ll be O.K.” that I over bet and lose. That’s, invariably, when even the best shooters “seven out,” rolling a seven which means that round is over and EVERYONE loses EVERYTHING on the table.

There are other games of chance of course that also employ chips – various versions of poker, Roulette, Blackjack and more all use chips and you sure as hell want to have a lot of chips in the game. The more you have the longer you can stay, have fun and play. Also, the more you have the more you’re not going broke from losing your fun, pretty “play” money because it’s never fun (or very smart) to gamble using just one or a few chips.

They even mention playing chips in the movies. There’s a quote from “Clear and Present Danger,” the Harrison Ford flick based on the Tom Clancy novel. In the movie (I don’t know if this scene is in the book as I’ve never read Clancy) Ford as hero Jack Ryan is confronting the President with information he has about an operation that was illegal. Ford’s character knows that this is huge and could, in effect, bring down many people in government including the President, who turns to Ford/Ryan and says “you won’t do that. You have a chip in the big game now and when you need something I’m going to be the one to cash it in for you.” Ford then tells the President off, walks out of the room and testifies in front of Congress anyway, and you can imagine him mentally holding onto that “one chip” in his head, and you know he ain’t going to bet with just one chip.

I guess you all are wondering why I am talking about chips today. Well, I’ll tell you. Today is my thirtieth day of sobriety. I had always seen in the movies that people in Al-Anon get a chip to mark their month-iversary of sobriety. One single chip. In doing a bit of looking before writing I see that many different A.A. groups and many different companies distribute and make, respectively, different chips – chips marking everything from 24-hours of sobriety to years of sobriety. But no matter how many hours, days, weeks, months or years you are sober the idea is you carry this chip/these chips with you to remind you to stay sober.

In the movies the person who receives or has the chip will always be faced with the dillema of whether or not to take a drink, thereby negating the sobriety already achieved. They will be tempted to act out on their bottom line behaviors when faced with X, Y or Z. Most recently I saw it in an episode of last season’s “Flash Forward,” a show in which two of its main characters are recovering alcoholics – both of whom take a drink and give in to their demons.

But if I have learned anything from the movies and table games in Vegas it’s that you never, ever gamble when the stakes are that high and you have only one chip to your name. In many cases it may be all the currency you have in the world and you have to hold onto it with both hands because it’s all you’ve got to get you home.

And being just thirty days sober means I have but one, precious chip.

Is it fun to gamble from time to time? Sure it is but I ain’t ever gonna gamble with this most precious chip. It’s what I’ve got. It’s all I’ve got. And as I stand on day thirty of this sobriety I am feeling better now, more honest and free, than I ever have and I’ll be damned if I am going to gamble that away the way I’ve gambled before. Yesterday, I met a friend of mine for coffee and she has lost a lot of weight and I bet she wouldn’t bet that chip for the world since that weight loss and happiness was hard-fought-for and a long time in coming.

I may not get an actual chip today but I don’t need one. I won’t need one and I will never need one because I do not need a wooden coin to remind myself how lucky I truly am in this world. I’m going to take today and just breathe and think about what my life was like thirty-one days and more ago. Those thoughts of that old me will be all the reminder I ever need, and all the strength I need, to not gamble with my one, precious chip no matter what happens for the rest of my life.