Determined To Succeed

Day sixty-eight.

So did you guys do it? Did you go to MSN.COM and answer the questions and use the “life expectancy calculator?” I hope you did because it sure as hell was an eye-opener for me. Just finding out I added almost 20 years to my life by losing weight was incredible. However, I also found out that I now have time added on to do some of the things I’ve always wanted to do but couldn’t because of my size. But more on that later…

It’s Friday and happy weekend. I am sitting here continuing my downward trend in weight loss and am at 237 even today. Woohoo. And that’s before my awesome mixed martial arts workout later this afternoon. But it is the weekend and you guys know I worry about over doing it with too much food and not enough exercise. I wish we could always stay the weight we want to achieve but, without hard work, we cannot. Sigh.

In less than two months I will hit the big 40! I so want to re-achieve my weight loss goal by then (and hopefully not add anymore weight in celebrating). There are also so many other things I want to do in life – like skydive – that I never would have been able to do had I not lost this weight. So I am compiling a list in my head of certain things I want to do which I will tell you guys about closer to my birthday. In the meantime, we have to tackle the here and now and that means the upcoming weekend.

I feel like an episode of “The Event” today, jumping all over the place in this blog which is weird and I’m sorry. I just feel a bit scattered today. I have lots of stuff to try to get done and they’re all on my mind. One of the things on my mind, though, was the movie I saw last night. I went to go see “Easy A,” which was both funny and cute (Stanley Tucci and Patricia Clarkson steal the movie as Emma Stone’s parents, but that’s not why it’s on my mind). Seeing the movie’s on my mind because the theater itself had double-wide seats in its auditoriums. Now, I’m sure that the seats, which resembled a slightly smaller love seat or a swing bench in size, were not necessarily meant for people of size. It’s probably meant for couples who just want to get cozy watching a flick. But I couldn’t help but wonder if larger people use those seats because they are more comfortable. I know I would have back when I was 400.

Yep, back then, when I needed seatbelt extenders, chairs with no arms in restaurants, etc., I would have jumped at the chance to sit in one of those prime seats just to have the “wiggle room.” It would have made me comfortable and probably would have helped my arthritic knee be able to stretch by not being locked into the “L” position all crammed in watching something.

The downside to all that, though, would have been the corrosive comments made by other theater patrons seeing my 400-pound butt go for the “date seat.” So I asked myself last night “would it have been worth it?” The answer is yes and no. No, for obvious reasons like I never like being made fun of. Yes, because I would have been way more comfortable especially in a world where smaller seats (revenue generators that they are) seem to be the norm. Ironic these seats were in the auditorium showing a movie about a person who has to suffer the slings and arrows of society based on prejudices (O.K., that is a loose interpretation but work with me here).

When I left the movies last night I tried to leave the image of the date seat in the theater but I couldn’t. It’s hard to shake the past and even harder to NOT imagine myself as that 400 pound guy sometimes. So I said a slight, silent prayer for anyone who has to use those seats in the future. I hoped they would enjoy the movie in comfort and in peace free of the comments of close-minded assholes who always have to make comments about something or someone. I also thanked God I don’t have to now. Not because of the comments but because of what I mentioned at the beginning of today’s weekend blog. I now have so many more years added onto my life and the opportunities to do so many more things. That’s all.

I will always remember from where I came, especially on day sixty-eight of my sobriety. So many people use food amongst other things to numb pain and shame and I don’t ever want to do that again, especially because it could take years off my life and lead me right to that special seat at the theater. So as my birthday approaches I feel a sense of re-birth. I want 40 to be the best year of my life (so far) so I can do whatever I want to do…and sit wherever I want to sit no matter where I go…gray hairs and all.

Have a great weekend, everyone. Talk to you on Monday.

Day fifty-one.

This morning I am thinking about demons. Demons that seem unstoppable and invincible. Demons that, no matter what, can stand up to even time itself, the supposed great healer of all. Well, there are some things that time doesn’t take away, like pain. For example, it’s been almost a year and four months already since my mom, JoAnn Larson, passed away and I still feel that moment as if it were yesterday. I still feel the absence of her on this earth and, from what I hear from others who’ve lost parents, always will. Sure, time takes away some of the immediate sting but it never takes away the memory of the pain itself, and oh, how I wish it did.

When I was a child I was so ashamed of how I was living the shame became a tangible thing I touched every day. I felt my surroundings not only around me but inside me. I became saturated by the sights, sounds and smells of where I was living. I felt the roaches crawl on my skin. I could almost feel the gritty dirt on the faded light green of the walls. I smelled the accumulated smells in the carpet in the long hallway of my apartment building floor as the building passed into decrepit oblivion – the dust, garbage, people, old food, must and rodents all part of a gigantic trap from which I felt no release. Hell, I am also quite sure I went to school smelling of old cigarettes, since my mother loved unfiltered Pall Malls and we did live in one very small room. To this day I cannot stand the smell of old cigarette smoke which does get everywhere instantly no matter what a smoker might tell you to the contrary. That is a pain from which I have been removed for more than twenty years but which still helped define me, both in good ways and bad.

The pain and shame of that place, combined with burying that pain and numbing it with X, Y and Z helped to create an addict, one that became seriously addicted to food as part of a cycle that led me to my life’s rock bottom. Then, lump on other unhappinesses, disappointments, anger, the inability to express myself, job stress, relationship bullshit and more and, over the years, the pain and shame became sentient, a living breathing demon who still inhabits parts of my brain and soul.

When you train yourself to numb things it is very hard to not numb them anymore. Food tastes good. I love good Chinese food (notice I said GOOD Chinese food, like Chicago good not Jersey/Philly so-so), I love sweet rolls (good bakery sweet rolls like my mom and I used to get on Sundays to eat while reading the paper), I love ice-cold Coca-Colas which at one point were bottles of ice-cold Pepsi, I love mashed potatoes, fried things, chocolate things, buttery things, Italian Beefs, cheesesteaks, french fries…I love it all. But I was “using,” using all that and more to numb a pain and truth which I have only recently come to grapple with and understand. Once I did that I was truly able to see food and other things weren’t enjoyable, they were the heroin I injected into my veins to make the world and its reality go away for just a little while.

That is addiction. That is food addiction. When using what is normal, everyday, commonplace pleasurable and warping it into something that not only is bad but also feeds the demon(s) born from long days ago. That is how demons can withstand the test of time.

I am doing my absolute best to curtail these demons and live a healthier, happier life. In fact I’m gonna fight the food demon as soon as I am done posting today by working out in the gym (since it is quite rainy today in southern New Jersey). Fifty-one days is truly a blessing and one on which I intend to build a foundation of good for my life and those wonderful people in it. I won’t let them down because I won’t let myself down again. Not like that. Not ever.

Time may heal some things but it doesn’t heal others. That’s O.K., because it’s what we do with today that matters. We may not be able to change what happened before but we sure as hell can control what happens today, tomorrow and in all the tomorrows yet to come.And so far I have fifty-one of them. Of all the things I’ve collected in my lifetime, days of sobriety are what I want a treasure trove of in the future.

Day forty-three.

Happy Monday, everyone. So sorry this entry is on the late side today. My weekend was both good and bad. It was good because I am here and present and continue to be in sobriety (and yes, I did survive my Twinkie craving). The bad, I gained back two freaking pounds. Grrrrrr. So now I am back up to 240.5 and I do not approve one stinking bit! And you know what that means…my ass is so hitting the gym every day this week.

I also had a couple of really good twelve-step meetings Saturday and Sunday. I’ve said before how absolutely humbling they are because of others going through the same thing but yesterday’s meeting in particular struck a chord in me that I’d like to share.

In yesterday’s meeting we discussed the process of making amends to people. What struck me about this yesterday was that someone used a phrase I will keep with me the rest of my life. For in our quest to make things right with ourselves as we heal and to those we might have wronged, it is important to keep making “living amends,” meaning that no matter whether we are able to make amends directly or not (or if people even believe us or not) WE know we are on the right path and WE CONTINUE to be on our sober paths, leading good, sober and clean lives, taking care of keeping our side of the street clean of the filth that was there before.

That is so true no matter whether it is with weight loss or not. We so need to keep living the life we want to live to have the lives we want and, first and foremost, we as individuals must reconcile and forgive ourselves for wrongs done, too. When we do that we truly can begin making things right with the world even if there are parts of it that want no part in that healing. It is up to us to keep walking that path for us and no one else.

I say this about all addictions, really. No matter your drug of choice we need to forgive ourselves the past, make our self-amends and move on with today. Then, continue making those “living amends” so we never go back to being who or what we were before because we do deserve healing. And believe me, I know very well how much that applies to food, also. Using comfort food to numb things in my past got me to 400 pounds. But it’s also gotten me back to 240.5 and I need to be at 225. So what’s Bill gonna do about it? Workout, eat better and forgive himself, that’s what.

I know this isn’t an easy process. Hell, it’s far from it but we can make it and we will. I don’t know how many of you there are out there but even if only one person is reading or listening then all of this is worth it. It is worth it for the exact same reasons why a twelve-step meeting will take place even if there are only two people in the room – the group leader and someone else. Because someone is always there to understand what you’re going through and is there to support you in whatever recovery you are undertaking. That’s huge, especially knowing how hard kicking any addiction is.

I don’t have very much I want to share today except that, my friends. That you are not alone and to keep on even if it seems like you are alone because you are not alone. We stand together determined, which is why I chose the website name I chose. And don’t forget to forgive yourself. Put the past behind you and step forth onto a new path. It is scary but it is the best thing you can do for you, and you are the most important person in the world.

Day thirty-nine.

I have a neighbor whose name is Hector. He lives just around the corner from me and he’s a friendly guy. He is always walking around the neighborhood saying “hello” to people and he always has a smile on his face whenever you see him and every day Monday through Friday he is off to enjoy a day’s worth of activities someplace nearby. Seeing Hector and hearing Hector makes me feel lucky in so many ways every single day. Why? Because Hector is physically and mentally challenged.

I am not sure exactly from what or which challenge Hector suffers but it’s clear. Whenever I see Hector he always says “hey” and I always say “hey” back but what I really want to say is “you poor guy. I am so sorry you are afflicted the way you are.” But does he or would he ever want my pity? No. He, I assume, would just want my simple understanding that he is different. That’s all. Of course he can’t run, jump or even carry on a conversation at the level you and I are used to. But in Hector’s disability comes an incredible ability – the ability to just smile and try to appreciate the life he has.

I am quite sure he and his family go through the same things other families go through when a person can’t take care of themselves. They get frustrated, angry, nervous, anxious and tired and want some type of “vacation” away from the responsibility for that level of care. My aunt told me as much taking care of my mom, JoAnn’s, during her final months and in a letter or two after she died. It is a hefty burden, indeed, to care for someone that way but it makes me think about where my life has taken me in these almost 40 years.

Over 40 days ago I was in the throws of addiction and didn’t know how, when or where to get help. But thanks to the catastrophic failures I experienced I am now on a path of sobriety and recovery. I can again really taste food, enjoy it, enjoy being outside, exercising and more…and all because my heart, mind and soul are all now one again and in the same place. It’s sad, though. Before, when I was much sicker, I never thought about the lessons Hector could teach me. Now that I can think clearly I can see the absolute lessons God, my mom’s spirit and the universe are throwing my way.

Life is just too fucking short sometimes. You hear all the time about teens having their lives cut short in accidents or by health conditions about which they didn’t know. You see on the news horrific stories about people disgruntled at work grabbing a gun and blowing people away (which unfortunately happened recently in the Philadelphia area) just because of disagreements and perceived animosities. And you see all the time people who need help just walking down the street but who give it their absolute best because they are trying to cling to what’s left of their independence. But here I was pissing my life away with addictions, which did include food, wasting the gifts I was given for such a long time.

They say youth is wasted on the young. Well, so is health sometimes.

I would dare me, you, kids these days – anybody – to trade places with Hector for just five minutes. Use some sci-fi machinery to switch bodies for just five minutes and I would bet you anything, ANYTHING, that each and every person who did that would forever appreciate even the simplest of gifts like mobility and speech, gifts we all too often take for granted. In these sobering days I am soooooo appreciating life in ways I never imagined before because I could see where my life was going and where I would have ended up. I have always said to you I know I would have died sooner and not later if I stayed at 400 pounds and I will believe that until the day I see my mom again.

Why am I so down today? I’m not really, for if you listen you will hear the voice of someone who is breathing again and someone who is loving life and who will always do his best from now on to live each day well and appreciate everything in it. Even the simple ability to type out this silly weight loss blog every damn day is a gift, as is the gift of being able to exercise, take my mixed martial arts class and keep my weight in check so I can enjoy activities I’ve never done before. I will also no longer be bad about my eating because I don’t want to gain that weight back for if I did, that would be spitting in the face of all we work so hard to do every single day to maintain weight loss. It would also insult my mom. No,  I will not squander life and it’s gifts, including time, ever, EVER again.

So, the next time you are down about anything go for a walk, exercise, write a letter or talk to a friend. They may seem like simple things to you and me but these are all things Hector can’t do. And just when you think life isn’t going your way remember I know one guy who lives just around the corner who, I’m sure, would be more than happy to trade places with any one of us in a heartbeat to live the lives we live and be free from his own limitations.

Day Thirty-two.

I don’t know if you guys know about this or not, but NASA confirmed yesterday two small asteroids passed within the moon’s distance from the Earth about 12 hours apart. Yep, near-Earth asteroid 2010 RX30, which is estimated to be 32 to 65 feet in diameter, passed within 154,000 miles of Earth around 5:51 a.m. ET, while the second object, 2010 RF12, estimated to be 20 to 46 feet in diameter, passed within 49,088 miles of Earth close to 5:12 pm ET. This double encounter was unusual in the sense that NASA spotted the objects three days in advance and successfully plotted their orbits, demonstrating the need for closer monitoring of near space for Earth-threatening encounters.

According to Donald Yeomans, manager of NASA’s Near Earth Program, which tracks potentially hazardous asteroids and comets within 28 million miles of Earth, the ability to track these asteroids days in advance of their “arrival” confirms that the process NASA has in place (whereby they find, observe and then quickly predict when such things pass Earth to get that info out) works pretty well.

I would say so, although my initial gut reaction was “holy crap, it’s ‘Armageddon’ and we need Bruce Willis to go up in a shuttle and yell ‘yippee-kay-a mother fucker’ before saying ‘we win, Gracie’ and blowing up the damn thing. My second reaction was to think back to a time when I was a kid working on his science fair project about space, specifically black holes.

According to the general theory of relativity, a black hole is a region of space from which nothing, not even light, can escape. Around a black hole there is an undetectable surface which marks the point of no return, called an event horizon and it is called “black” because it absorbs all the light that hits it, reflecting nothing, just like a perfect black body in thermodynamics.

All of that is a fancy way of saying ain’t nuthin’ gettin’ out of any black hole.

Thinking back over the past few decades I have come to realize how very close I actually got to that event horizon in my life, that point from which I could never have returned because of my behaviors and my fractured soul. And thinking about how close I got made me shudder but instantly thankful I was able to bottom out and escape the nothingness of true failure.

Last year I wrote a couple of pieces on failure. I wrote them after attending church one Sunday and hearing the pastor talk about a passage in the Bible that says how people will fall and rise seven times as we try to achieve success or victory over evil.

I’m human, and humans look for too many quick fixes, solutions, methods or excuses so there’s (or seems to be) less likelihood of failure, I wrote, and how we use these things to blame someone or something else for our failures. We say to ourselves: “Oh, well I ordered that thing and did what I was supposed to do to lose weight but it didn’t work.” My friends, I said it then and I will repeat it now, the highest peaks of our achievements and successes always go through the lowest valleys of failure. And humility, patience, the ability to learn and grow from mistakes and, most of all, appreciation for success comes from failure.

Having known what true failure is in life I truly appreciate the feelings I now have of sobriety and being a better human being each and every day. Not acting out (especially with food and eating – I was so much better yesterday) and appreciating life again and all its positive energies is what I will continue to do throughout the rest of my life – that is my focus. But there are forces out there in the universe like those asteroids and like those black holes that threaten our stability, even our very sanity, and we must do our best, like NASA, to see them coming and prepare for them so we can avoid the blackness and destruction they bring.

No journey worth taking is without risk, pitfalls, bumps and dangers. I know that. In my current weight loss journey, for example, I am still trying to re-lose this damn extra almost 14 pounds (grrrrrrr). But I will, especially now, succeed in all the aspects of my life especially when I can see asteroids or black holes coming my way. There are black holes out there in the universe, but it’s the stars and light that surround them that mark their path so we can avoid them along our journey. I came dangerously close to the event horizon once in my life and I will be damned if I ever again get that close no matter how the universe can sometimes conspire to want me to fail again. And you should hold onto that assurance, too, that you can and will achieve success in your life no matter how many times you stumble. We are all human and we will achieve success together.

Bruce Willis is a person and an actor. He’s not Harry Stamper, the character he portrayed in “Armageddon,” and he won’t be flying at 22,500 mph to land on that asteroid and blow it up before it hits earth. No, my success or failure in the end depends on one person, me, and I am holding firm at thirty-two days and counting that I will continue to grow, be positive, be a better man day by precious day and be my mother’s son again.

Day thirty.

Do any of you gamble? It doesn’t matter really if you do or not. I guess what I am asking is if you guys are familiar with the ways people gamble in places like Atlantic City or Las Vegas. They use chips at all the table games instead of actual money in part so you feel like you are playing with “fake” cash. You may remember you are dealing with your own hard-earned cash but at least the various chips are pretty and shiny and fun to look at.

My favorite table game is Craps, a game where the shooter stands in position and rolls two dice down a long oval table while she/he and others place chips on the table betting on what number will come up when the roll is completed. I love Craps because, when a great shooter is up, you can win a great deal of money. The energy is high and everyone is excited and feeling good – as long as I remember to take it easy and place conservative and somewhat conservative bets on the table. It’s when I go and think “I’ll be O.K.” that I over bet and lose. That’s, invariably, when even the best shooters “seven out,” rolling a seven which means that round is over and EVERYONE loses EVERYTHING on the table.

There are other games of chance of course that also employ chips – various versions of poker, Roulette, Blackjack and more all use chips and you sure as hell want to have a lot of chips in the game. The more you have the longer you can stay, have fun and play. Also, the more you have the more you’re not going broke from losing your fun, pretty “play” money because it’s never fun (or very smart) to gamble using just one or a few chips.

They even mention playing chips in the movies. There’s a quote from “Clear and Present Danger,” the Harrison Ford flick based on the Tom Clancy novel. In the movie (I don’t know if this scene is in the book as I’ve never read Clancy) Ford as hero Jack Ryan is confronting the President with information he has about an operation that was illegal. Ford’s character knows that this is huge and could, in effect, bring down many people in government including the President, who turns to Ford/Ryan and says “you won’t do that. You have a chip in the big game now and when you need something I’m going to be the one to cash it in for you.” Ford then tells the President off, walks out of the room and testifies in front of Congress anyway, and you can imagine him mentally holding onto that “one chip” in his head, and you know he ain’t going to bet with just one chip.

I guess you all are wondering why I am talking about chips today. Well, I’ll tell you. Today is my thirtieth day of sobriety. I had always seen in the movies that people in Al-Anon get a chip to mark their month-iversary of sobriety. One single chip. In doing a bit of looking before writing I see that many different A.A. groups and many different companies distribute and make, respectively, different chips – chips marking everything from 24-hours of sobriety to years of sobriety. But no matter how many hours, days, weeks, months or years you are sober the idea is you carry this chip/these chips with you to remind you to stay sober.

In the movies the person who receives or has the chip will always be faced with the dillema of whether or not to take a drink, thereby negating the sobriety already achieved. They will be tempted to act out on their bottom line behaviors when faced with X, Y or Z. Most recently I saw it in an episode of last season’s “Flash Forward,” a show in which two of its main characters are recovering alcoholics – both of whom take a drink and give in to their demons.

But if I have learned anything from the movies and table games in Vegas it’s that you never, ever gamble when the stakes are that high and you have only one chip to your name. In many cases it may be all the currency you have in the world and you have to hold onto it with both hands because it’s all you’ve got to get you home.

And being just thirty days sober means I have but one, precious chip.

Is it fun to gamble from time to time? Sure it is but I ain’t ever gonna gamble with this most precious chip. It’s what I’ve got. It’s all I’ve got. And as I stand on day thirty of this sobriety I am feeling better now, more honest and free, than I ever have and I’ll be damned if I am going to gamble that away the way I’ve gambled before. Yesterday, I met a friend of mine for coffee and she has lost a lot of weight and I bet she wouldn’t bet that chip for the world since that weight loss and happiness was hard-fought-for and a long time in coming.

I may not get an actual chip today but I don’t need one. I won’t need one and I will never need one because I do not need a wooden coin to remind myself how lucky I truly am in this world. I’m going to take today and just breathe and think about what my life was like thirty-one days and more ago. Those thoughts of that old me will be all the reminder I ever need, and all the strength I need, to not gamble with my one, precious chip no matter what happens for the rest of my life.

Day twenty-two.

It’s quiet this morning. I can actually hear myself think. And what am I thinking about? The fact that I had a weekend that was good, really good, and sober. That I was here and present and a participant in my own life instead of being so detached from it I could hardly remember what day it was. The fact I had great workouts and went shopping, and the fact I now have to re-lose some weight because I have been eating a bit too much again because I am, well, stressed.

If you have ever studied addictive behaviors you will find that people almost always replace one addiction with another and an extremely high percentage of them replace their usual drug of choice with food. Being that I am a dual addict and my first drug of choice WAS food it was easy to begin eating a little bit of this and a little bit of that to deal with the stresses of sobriety. Yes, there are stresses in sobriety. Of course there are, and these stresses are constant because you’re always working on your sobriety, like you’re always working on maintaining your weight loss.

I can’t speak for anyone else out there but I stress because I want to make sure I am now on a clean, good and honest path. Because I always want to do the right things and am not sure if some of the things I say are right or not. I struggle with being the newer, better me and having that have the best parts of my personality and not the shitty parts that dominated it before. I struggle because I never want to go back to old Bill again, either in addiction or in weight, and because I struggle I stress eat.

It’s stupid, I know. I do know better. I know that I shouldn’t eat a stupid gyro wrap from my local diner with fries. That was stupid (especially since it wasn’t very good at all and made my stomach all messed up). It’s stupid because I know in my brain eating doesn’t calm stress, it only adds to it eventually. Sure what I eat may taste good at the time but any addict will tell you that the quieting of the brain during addiction comes from the endorphins produced when you give yourself the drug. But when they wear off you feel ashamed and never want to do it again – you just don’t know how to break the cycle.

I am at 235.9 today and I am pissed off at myself. I am pissed off because I can see in my face my cheeks get chubbier again. I feel bloated. I see the numbers creeping up on the scale. Most of all, though, I am pissed because food is so automatic for me I didn’t realize I was eating too much again until yesterday really. That the old patterns were coming back and I need to arrest them, too, especially if I want to maintain the “high” of being sober in other areas of my life.

Look, food is fuel. It isn’t the answer to a problem. It won’t solve money issues. It won’t make pain go away. It won’t solve what’s going on in your life. Used like this it’s only a distraction, a distraction from what’s really going on inside. But like any addiction you need to recognize you are in need of help, in need of control and in need to stop and face what is really causing you to seek out food (or your drug of choice) in the first place. Today I vow to fight that addiction, too. I made that vow yesterday and did O.K. in my eating. Not the best I could have been (I had an extra helping I shouldn’t have) but I was better and I will strive to be better than that today (no matter how delicious Jersey corn is).

And how will I be better? I will be better in my eating because I will tackle the day as I began my day. Listening to the quiet and hearing myself think. And when I can think like that I have the power to change the things I want to change about myself including that stupid number on my electronic scale. And no matter what, I will think about how I no longer want to feed either addiction. How I just want to be me and the best me I can be.