Determined To Succeed

Day twenty-two.

It’s quiet this morning. I can actually hear myself think. And what am I thinking about? The fact that I had a weekend that was good, really good, and sober. That I was here and present and a participant in my own life instead of being so detached from it I could hardly remember what day it was. The fact I had great workouts and went shopping, and the fact I now have to re-lose some weight because I have been eating a bit too much again because I am, well, stressed.

If you have ever studied addictive behaviors you will find that people almost always replace one addiction with another and an extremely high percentage of them replace their usual drug of choice with food. Being that I am a dual addict and my first drug of choice WAS food it was easy to begin eating a little bit of this and a little bit of that to deal with the stresses of sobriety. Yes, there are stresses in sobriety. Of course there are, and these stresses are constant because you’re always working on your sobriety, like you’re always working on maintaining your weight loss.

I can’t speak for anyone else out there but I stress because I want to make sure I am now on a clean, good and honest path. Because I always want to do the right things and am not sure if some of the things I say are right or not. I struggle with being the newer, better me and having that have the best parts of my personality and not the shitty parts that dominated it before. I struggle because I never want to go back to old Bill again, either in addiction or in weight, and because I struggle I stress eat.

It’s stupid, I know. I do know better. I know that I shouldn’t eat a stupid gyro wrap from my local diner with fries. That was stupid (especially since it wasn’t very good at all and made my stomach all messed up). It’s stupid because I know in my brain eating doesn’t calm stress, it only adds to it eventually. Sure what I eat may taste good at the time but any addict will tell you that the quieting of the brain during addiction comes from the endorphins produced when you give yourself the drug. But when they wear off you feel ashamed and never want to do it again – you just don’t know how to break the cycle.

I am at 235.9 today and I am pissed off at myself. I am pissed off because I can see in my face my cheeks get chubbier again. I feel bloated. I see the numbers creeping up on the scale. Most of all, though, I am pissed because food is so automatic for me I didn’t realize I was eating too much again until yesterday really. That the old patterns were coming back and I need to arrest them, too, especially if I want to maintain the “high” of being sober in other areas of my life.

Look, food is fuel. It isn’t the answer to a problem. It won’t solve money issues. It won’t make pain go away. It won’t solve what’s going on in your life. Used like this it’s only a distraction, a distraction from what’s really going on inside. But like any addiction you need to recognize you are in need of help, in need of control and in need to stop and face what is really causing you to seek out food (or your drug of choice) in the first place. Today I vow to fight that addiction, too. I made that vow yesterday and did O.K. in my eating. Not the best I could have been (I had an extra helping I shouldn’t have) but I was better and I will strive to be better than that today (no matter how delicious Jersey corn is).

And how will I be better? I will be better in my eating because I will tackle the day as I began my day. Listening to the quiet and hearing myself think. And when I can think like that I have the power to change the things I want to change about myself including that stupid number on my electronic scale. And no matter what, I will think about how I no longer want to feed either addiction. How I just want to be me and the best me I can be.

Stress. It is everywhere. It is constant. Sometimes like the air we breathe. Sometimes like the sun that rises every morning. All our lives have it in one form or another (and I’d love to have your life if you don’t) and you wake up with it like a cup of coffee in the morning (oooh, that sounds good).

I’ve been feeling lots of stress lately. You can probably tell by how I’ve been writing (and eating) I have lots going on. My video entry in the Oprah “Win Your OWN Show” contest, the upcoming live audition for that, Book Expo America (which I am planning on attending this week in New York), switching cable companies, folding laundry, trying to figure out where/how money’s coming, cleaning up, and way more stuff I can’t even think about at the moment (even my coffee maker freaked out on me, btw, and leaked water and grounds everywhere) has me anxious to do one thing – eat.

Thank God I am only keeping healthier snacks in the house these days. Some prunes (yes, prunes. And no, I am not 90-years-old. I just happen to like prunes), raisins, crackers and some granola are way better to have than candy bars, egg rolls and soda (yes, believe it or not I steered clear of Coke this weekend (well, pretty much. I had only one as a treat) and didn’t stress drink. Man! Is that even a phrase?

I have also been trying to be Zen and not so hard on myself, too (a little voice in my head tells me I have been lately a bit too much). I am trying on both fronts and it does seem to be working at least a little. But in the meantime stuff isn’t getting done, like that laundry and other life stuff.

This is one of those times I am thankful I have undergone my weight loss journey. I can now recognize when I am anxious, exasperated, worried, afraid, nervous, excited – all the emotions that would make my pop a box of Dunkin’ Donuts Munchkins in a heartbeat, or want to order some beef fried rice and egg rolls, or drink three or four Cokes to drown my worries. I may be stressed but I still have control over me and as long as I have that I am going to control what goes into my body so I can control my weight and the choices I make regarding food.

Today, I am down a half-pound from when I went to the conference which is good, and still within my “Battle of the Final Ten.” I may have been fighting this battle for a while now but it’s a battle fought on many fronts – in the gym and in life. We fight it every day. And it’s hard to resist the temptations (”My Girl. My Girl. Talking ’bout my girl…” sorry, just wanted to be goofy and break out into song) of food. It is, especially when food is everywhere. Kind of like in the movies when the hero has to make the treacherous walk/drive down a seedy street and there are pimps, hookers, drug dealers and gang-bangers lining both sides just lying in wait for the hero to step just a little off the path.

Sigh. So today I will be good. It’s all I can do. I will start this Monday with my cup of frustrating coffee (I just cleaned up the mess) and will start my day knowing it’s only Monday and that it’s OK.  I may have grounds to clean up, and laundry to fold, and a floor to vacuum, and bills to pay, and errands to run…

…but I am alive and breathing and doing OK with my weight. That is a gift and one I cherish every day. As long as I have those things I have the strength for anything.

I swear, sometiimes you can equate gaining weight to snow.

Throughout the week weathercasters in the Philadelphia area (who are quite regularly wrong) predicted that the snow/precipitation cycle heading our way would basically miss South Jersey. So as I watched a few flakes fall I figured “eh, this is nothing. It will be a few flakes and nothing more.”

By the end of the night South Jersey received about two or so inches of snow. Not a lot by any stretch (especially for someone from Chicago) but enough to make you say “Jeez. Where did this come from?”

Weight can be the same way, and through a few days of accumulated “bad” eating here and there (you know, having beef fried rice here or Milky Way there) weight can increase just like that snow did. All it takes is us saying “eh, this is nothing. It will be a few calories and nothing more.”

But this time the inches we gain won’t melt away as easily because they’re on your waist instead of on the ground.

As we are about to enter a brand new week full of possibility, work, stress, emotions, etc., take time to note HOW you are eating and WHEN. I know I have mentioned this a lot lately. That’s because I’ve done some serious soul-searching as to the WHYs I eat (or overeat). I pay attention more to WHEN and HOW MUCH because when I have lots on my mind on which to chew I tend to want something to eat – so that I’m physically chewing on something at the same time.

Knowing this pattern helps me more than you’ll ever know.

So pay attention to the small “flakes” in your life. Be them candy, popcorn, egg rolls, chips, doughnuts, fries, Milky Ways, etc. Each thing by itself won’t be enough to derail you. But added up, these can pose a serious threat to your weight loss journey. But more to the point, this is the time when you need to start examining what’s going on inside your head and heart to figure out the source of your stress, anxiety, sadness, nervousness, etc. – emotions that could lead to excessive and unnecessary extra eating. In any weight loss journey saying “I love myself enough to begin” is essential and saying “I will take care of me, my weight and my health” is key.

This way when it snows you’ve already laid down a layer of salt so your streets are clear and no “snow” accumulates. And the road you travel is a much easier-traveled road for it.