Determined To Succeed

Ugh. This Stanley Cup series is wearing me out. Have you guys been watching? It is an awesome series being played by two very good teams (go Hawks!), but the back and forth drama is enough to make me nervously eat for a month. Don’t worry I didn’t, even though I so wanted to drown my sorrows last night (the Blackhawks lost in OT by a score of 4-3) in the nearest pint of strawberry ice-cream. So today my “days without incident” now stand at three.  I actually ended up having steamed chicken and broccoli and brown rice from my fave Chinese food restaurant and – wait for it – a glass of ice water! Two points for me! Er, wait. Is that how you score points in hockey, with a field goal or home run or something? And when does the penalty kick come in?

Well, anyway, staying up late last night to watch the game made me tired as hell this morning. That, in turn, made me far less motivated to get up and join the world today. I know I have stuff to do but I am so waiting for the day we can mentally project what we want to do and have it be done (oh, well. Not in this lifetime anyway). So I lay in bed on mornings like this making my mental list of how cool it is to get out of bed. I know it sounds cheesy but you guys know I am Captain Cheese, Mr. Velveeta…if life were a Philly cheesesteak I’d be the “extra wiz” poured on top.

Chief on my list to accomplish today is more exercise. Yep, getting my ass up, throwing on sweats and gym shoes is top of my list to accomplish today. I am this/close to losing the first of the two pounds I re-gained recently by stress eating and I want those off me like a bad, cheap or ill-fitting suit. I don’t know about you guys but when you get to a certain point you just “know” when your body has gained even a pound or two. Well, I feel as though I’ve gained a whole freaking turkey recently and I want that sluggish, bloated ill-fitting suit feeling gone and done.

Next, I have errands to run in preparation for Friday/Saturday. I think it just hit me today as I lay in bed not moving how screwed up my body is going to feel tomorrow, Friday, because I have to sleep in the afternoon then get up at midnight to drive to this Oprah “win your OWN show” audition Saturday then sort of camp out in my car until the times comes to wait in line for a few more hours. Sigh. Thank God they make extra-large cups of coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Finally, I have to plan out what I’m gonna eat during Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals. I have always said eating should be very much like scuba diving – you plan your dive and you dive your plan.  A weight loss journey and eating healthy don’t go on hold just because it is time to play for the Cup, but eating while watching the game doesn’t have to be unhealthy. Some great food options (done in moderation not in mass quantities) to help everyone watching the game (or any game) keep their eating on track are:

Salsa

Salsa is made up of fruits and vegetables and contains no fat. Traditionally made with tomatoes, onions, cilantro, and spices, salsa provides antioxidants and vitamins prevalent in those specific fruits and vegetables. Salsa variations can include beans and corn for additional fiber and nutrients. Salsa also is low in cholesterol. You can eat salsa with unsalted, baked, whole wheat chips for added nutritional and health value. Pita chips also are a healthy alternative. And remember, HERE is a kick-ass Slightly Spicy Black Bean Salsa recipe perfect for rooting for the Hawks (er, I mean your favorite team).

Roasted chicken or turkey sandwiches

Served on whole wheat buns or bread thins, either are a great option to add some protein to any game watching you might do. Chicken is a lean meat, and if served moist enough, requires very little in terms of fatty condiments. Skip the cheese and mayonnaise, perhaps add some mustard, and relax in front of the game knowing that the lean meat will provide necessary proteins without the fat of red or deep-fried meats.

Chili

Not big on sandwiches? Try some low-fat chili. Made with ground turkey, black beans, tomatoes, peppers, and onions, the warm goodness will provide a meal in itself with protein, fiber, fruits, and vegetables. Protein helps build muscle, while fiber stabilizes blood sugar by slowing the rate that sugar enters the bloodstream. And again, fruits and vegetables provide invaluable vitamins and nutrients. Skip the Fritos, cheese and sour cream to keep fat-content low.

See, my day is now all on track. I am wide awake and raring to get started – at least I will be after some extra light, extra crunchy coffee which I am off to go get…

…now.

P.S. – Yes, I just read what I wrote and I do not know if I can stay up to watch the game tomorrow! Like Stewie Griffin from “Family Guy” would say (in a British accent) “Blast! What the deuce? How dare they hold the game and not accommodate my schedule!” I will have to find at least one way before tomorrow to have the game mentally projected into my brain as I lay there sleeping. Hmmmmmm…

It’s almost the end of May, 2010 (do you say twenty-ten, two-thousand and ten, oh hell, I don’t know) and it was this time last year that my mom, JoAnn, who was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on May 24, 2009, was lying in a hospital bed dying from that dreaded bitch disease. We were seeing doctors who were trying to make her comfortable and having the difficult conversations about pain management, transferring to hospice and how much time she might have left. If you ever want to know what a really hard conversation is look your wonderful, beautiful mom in the eye and answer her “we’re in a bad way, aren’t we” question with the honest, brutal and damning truth…”yes.”

During the eighteen or so days it took from her diagnosis to death, and in the days after, before I returned to South Jersey, I gained 20 pounds back of the 175 I lost. It was not only easy it was tremendously easy. When you sit in a hospital room all day you might entertain ideas of eating better, healthier and less but that quickly turns into nervously eating shit. There are moments of boredom, fear, dread, sadness, humor, anxiousness, relief…every emotion under the sun. What does it mean? It means your adrenaline has kicked in as the one helping to provide comfort and care and you eat, at least I did to help calm the storm.

When we transferred Mama to hospice I knew it was the end, and so did she, but at least the room she was in wasn’t some cold, antiseptic and functional place. It was warmer, more inviting and soothing and a much more  fitting place for my sweet Mama’s spirit to spend its final days inhabiting her body on Earth.

In hospice, I kept eating. This time I had the comfort of having pizza from Al’s Italian Restaurant and Pizzeria which was mercifully close to the hospice place. Ironically, what made this pizza awesome was the fact it tasted just like the pizza my mom and I had when I was a boy. I had this pizza twice in the six days we were in hospice. I needed it. I welcomed it, like an old friend come by for a visit after twenty years…and we had some catching up to do. I needed a taste of my childhood during those moments of fear, dread and sadness.

I just wish that taste could have come calorie- and fat-free.

Why am I telling you guys all this on a beautiful Sunday morning? Because the countdown has already begun to the last “first” I have to face since my mom’s passing, the actual one-year anniversary of that day, and slowly but surely I have been stress eating again. I can tell you it has been mostly subconscious, eating a few extra things here and there. But that is no excuse. I still get my sweet cravings at night and I feed them sometimes with good things, sometimes with bad, and my weight is slowly creeping back up because of it. Not to mention the silly, stupid dreams I have because I eat late at night (but that’s a whole separate blog post – and one for which you’d need a strong drink or cup of coffee because my dreams can be really strange sometimes).

In trying to be Zen about losing this remaining last ten pounds, which is now eleven-and-a-half, I have said many things which I need to start saying to myself. I do forgive myself this weight. I will re-lose this weight. And I know WHY I am re-gaining this weight. Those things help me, they do. I just need to listen to them and fight my way through this.

Every day I start the day the exact same way, with the blank page. Every writer starts with one, every person starts with one. Each day is what we make of it. Some continue the events of the day before, some bring about new circumstances. But all of them have a component of choice to them and it’s that choice I need to remember as June 9 gets closer and closer.

I swear to you all I will re-lose this weight. I swear it to myself, too. And that, my friends, is the first line on my blank page for today followed very, very closely by my second line…

…Mama, I love you and miss you and your voice very, very much.

Crap!!!! I’m so behind the eight ball!!!!

How many times do we start the day saying that phrase? A lot, I know. Even today, my weight loss blog is soooo late (and my complete apologies to you all) because I’m just returned from the conference in Atlanta and I am pretty wiped out. Enough so that I slept really late today and had to make an early appointment before I sat down to put fingers to keyboard.

While there may be some debate as to the origin of the phrase “behind the eight ball” we usually take it to mean being “in a tight spot,” or “not likely to win.” But do we all realize how much we place ourselves “behind the eight ball,” especially when it comes to losing weight? Or in life? Not enough, I’d imagine.

Recently I’ve tried to be way more Zen about weight loss. I said yesterday that I was sure I’ve gained weight at the conference I attended, and I did. But it was only two-and-a-half pounds. Not too shabby for having such a limited food selection and not working out the way I wanted to. But I know I will lose it (or in my case re-lose it. Or is it re-re-lose it?). I am just choosing to not, I repeat NOT, put myself behind the eight ball when it comes to this stuff. I am choosing not to stress out about certain things, like gaining a couple of pounds on a business trip, waking up late and having to get to a meeting before writing, because that makes me nervous and anxious and all sorts of discombobulated – key factors in me stress eating. See how that works? In other words we are, most times, not behind an eight ball at all, we only think we are.

All too often we choose not to see how much we can actually calm our own lives down. I know there are times when we think we screw up, do rash or impulsive things, worry, don’t have enough time to finish projects, meet enough people, get from points A to Z, etc. But on our weight loss journey, as I’ve always said, the number one person you have to take care of is you. You are the most important thing, deadline, task or meeting you have to do.  Most of all, it will be OK. It is OK.

This blog may be late but I am OK with that. I just know I have a lot to tackle today and I will get to it. Like my exciting entry in Oprah’s “Win Your OWN Show” contest. Like planning to go to New York for Book Expo America next week to try to get in front of publishers. Like even paying bills. It will all get done. I just need to focus, not get caught up in how many things I need to do and just do them, one by one, until they are done.

So today’s blog my be short but it’s sweet and to the point. By just calming down and relaxing I can take away my nervous “need” for different crappy foods that may be fast but are unhealthy. By calming down I can take control of my day and my life and my eating so I know I take a moment, breathe, think about what foods I am consuming and remove myself from the eight ball.

I don’t know if you all play pool or not (I do on bar occasions when one is handy and not occupied by stupid drunk people) but I like the simplicity of pool. It may take a passing knowledge of physics and definitive skill to sink solids or stripes into the corner pocket but it’s your mastery of that eight ball that wins you the game.

Damn. I hate waking up late. That sudden rush of adrenaline and fear when you realize you’re hours past when you wanted to wake up and not where you wanted or expected to be. Kind of like Michael J. Fox at the beginning of “Back to the Future.”

This morning started out OK. I gently rose with both of my alarm clocks (the sun and the radio) and noticed it was only half-past-six. So what did I do? Rolled over, of course, and decided in my sleepy haze that twenty more minutes would be great (I will always want my twenty more minutes). Well, little did I realize that that twenty more minutes would turn into almost three freaking hours. Yikes!!!!!

So I did what any normal Joe would do – I immediately hopped out of bed, terrified that so much time had gone. I looked back at the clock and confirmed that I wasn’t seeing an 8 but a 9 (grrrrr), got dressed and went immediately to work. But those of you who know me know I hate being late. Even though I work from home and do this blog I hate being late. Being late sets the tone for the day, and makes me feel like I am constantly behind the 8-ball.

Now in an instance like this in my former life (driving to work) I would be grabbing myself something quick and fast on the way. No doubt my extra crunchy (sugary) coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts and a breakfast sandwich of some type. But now that I work from home it’s safe and dangerous all at the same time. I could easily reach for my darling clementines – those delicious, small seedless wonders – or make something completely bad, a comfort food that will calm me down. Something that involves sausage, or bacon (bacon, bacon, bacon, bacon) or syrupy. But I remind myself that I can’t, especially with my weight creeping back up. In the end that’s what calms me down, that wonderful voice inside my head, body and heart saying “don’t eat crap.”

So I take a deep breath and focus. I hate starting my day stressed and certainly do not want to start my day stress eating. It is such a danger for me. I am an emotional eater, and stress is one of those emotions that can make you eat without realizing it. In those situations I eat something just to occupy my body in some way without thinking twice to the calories I am consuming. I hate that. When I am sad I turn to my comfort foods. While I know what I am eating in those situations I tend to eat lots more than I should because I try to take away that sadness and replace it with warm, good feelings that I think food will provide. But it only works for a while, and the only thing I feel is being full. And after, all I’m left with is an extra pound or two.

Today, though, I had my clementines and am about to make a cup of very crunchy coffee (coffee with extra extra sugar) and start my day of writing. I had had it all worked out, what I was going to write about today (which was a follow-up to my tough love blog helping people who seemingly need help), but I will save that for tomorrow. In a way I’m glad I woke up late, sort of like a test you pass unexpectedly.

That’s how I know this will be a successful week. That’s how I know I will continue to lose this weight and keep it off.  That’s how I know I actually learned something on my weight loss journey.

Today I got my TV reception back.

Turns out that my satellite dish was just a bit out of alignment from all the high winds and rain we had on Monday here in southern New Jersey. Although I went outside to see if I could fix the problem I didn’t readily see a solution. It was dark and the solution didn’t seem as simple as just readjusting the dish a few degrees to get the signal.

Funny how much this actually mirrors and sounds like weight loss.

When I was 400.6 pounds my satellite was seriously out of alignment – with my mind, my heart and my spirit. I couldn’t see how much I needed to just shift my life a few degrees so that the message became clear. I needed to step back and not see food as an automatic part of the solution.

Do not get me wrong. My weight loss dish can go out of alignment any day of the week, and does. Depending on my mood, my frustration level or my anxiety level my dish can go out of whack and I become susceptible to my kryptonite foods (beef fried rice, Milky Way bars and ice-cold Coca-Colas). But I got a piece of advice today from the dish repair guy that I will remember for the rest of my life.

When you don’t get signal just adjust the dish slightly.

It seems simple but the more I thought about it it’s awesome advice. If I start to feel the “need” to eat I’m going to take a moment and think about “why” I want to eat. “Why” my dish came out of alignment and “why” I want to solve it with food. Then I’m gonna realign my dish by solving the problem that caused my dish to go out of whack. Am I stressed out because of something with my computer (like the other day when the sound on my computer didn’t work and I couldn’t do a podcast)? Or am I just missing my mama and needing a good cry (instead of an order of fries)?

By stepping back and figuring out the “why” we can all deal with at least part of that automatic need to feed our mouths with food stuffs. At least that’s how I will be looking at it from now on. I know I’m a stress eater. I also know I’m an emotional eater. Simply knowing and thinking about those things helps me navigate those times when my reception becomes fuzzy.

Because once I recognize those things that dish comes back into alignment, the picture comes back into incredibly sharp focus and all is better (and clearer) in the world.