Determined To Succeed

Day Twenty-nine.

Good morning and happy Labor Day, my friends. It sounds weird to wish you a “happy” Labor Day but I guess I can, right?” I mean what started out as a way for President Grover Cleveland to help reconcile with the labor movement in 1894 has become for all of us a way to grab the breath of fresh air we need and re-inflate the sails of our lives. And much like the rest of America I was just about done when the weekend hit. My brain was trashed. I didn’t even know what to write about. I, too, needed a break. So that’s exactly what I did. I disconnected from this land of the virtual and reconnected with the actual and it felt good. Damn good, especially as I reclaim my soul and become a whole human being again.

There are two parts to re-inflation. First you have to plug the hole that’s letting out air then you set about taking big, deep breaths to help put wind back in your sails. It’s a two-part process and you can’t do one without the other and, for me, part of plugging that hole was to attend my twelve-step meeting on Saturday night. It was a particularly deep meeting, with the six of us (the number varies from week to week) discussing select steps of the twelve-step program in our fellowship. And I have to say, after hearing what’s going on in the lives of others, I know I truly am a lucky man.

One person in particular, I will call her Jane, spoke to the group about losing faith. She still believed in God but she had almost completely lost faith in both herself and in recovery. She laid out what she had done over the past week and described how, time after time, she gave in to her demons and questioned whether or not she could even stop taking her drugs or choice. She told the fellowship how she sat and cried not knowing how to break the cycle of her addictions (and she has multiple) and become a healthy human being again. She sat lost, truly lost, and you could see it in her face. We all could.

I know exactly how Jane feels. Everyone in that meeting knows how Jane feels, when your sails are so completely deflated and you are adrift in the open sea with no course set and no land in sight. You are scared of losing both your mind and soul to something (or somethings) that take you, piece by piece until all you have left is the shell of your body which you, yourself, can’t control. It’s a horrible feeling.

As I sat there listening and nodding my head in agreement to some of the things she was saying (hell, we all nodded) I felt damned lucky. Even with everything that’s happened in my life and even with everything I have done I feel lucky. I feel lucky that I have been given the chance to reclaim my soul. I feel lucky that I am here, present and accounted-for, again. I feel lucky that, unlike several others in the group, I am not currently fighting multiple addictions at the same time. I feel lucky that I am alive and can have the opportunity to be the good-for-something human being I always wanted to be.

There comes a moment that for me sums up why twelve-step meetings enlist faith. You must enlist faith because when the meetings are over you say good-bye to the others and walk out that door simultaneously hoping both they and you make it to the next meeting. Now only you can know what’s in your heart and mind which for me that means NEVER being the old me again and always striving to be healthy, but you wonder about the others, particularly those in deep, deep crisis. You want them to make it, or at least make it to the next meeting. You hope something plugs the holes in their lives so they can at least have the chance to gain back some wind and some momentum. But you don’t know. You never know, so you pray for them and pray they will be OK.

Those meetings are what I need so much to keep the holes in my life, mind, body and soul plugged so I can continue to have the wind at my back. Reconnecting with and enjoying life is what we all need, especially when facing and trying to climb what seems like a mountain our our own baggage. But it can be done. It will be done, at least it will by me.

Did I have way too much to eat this weekend, particularly yesterday at a BBQ? Yes (and yes, my weight went back up as a result), but it felt wonderful. Food has ten-times more taste, and I enjoyed it. And how did I enjoy it? Because I wasn’t being bandied about by the rocky waters of doubt and shame anymore. I was being carried toward a destination by the winds put back in my sails, winds that will carry me throughout the rest of my life.

You and I may have our weight loss issues in common, but always remember that you (and I) have more in common with others than you think. And you should thank your lucky stars if, on most days, you have wind in your sails to guide you through situations in your life. Food, weight loss, work, friends, relationships, etc., because someone somewhere might not. So treat that precious wind, that amazing breath of fresh air, as the gift that it is. For it is the gift of healing, of strength and, most of all, life.

Day twenty-five.

I am sitting here honestly not knowing what to write today. The past few days have been such a roller-coaster of emotions, feelings, thoughts and events that I just don’t have the quiet necessary to write something cohesive. Please forgive me for that. I know there are people out there who read me everyday (and thank you so much for that), but sometimes it’s hard to get the brain firing on all cylinders. I will do my best, though, and write several mini blog posts in this bigger blog post.

A mini-blog about weight:

I am down to 234.4 today, so down another half-pound or so and back into the battle of the final ten. This is after a period where I binged a bit too much and gained back about eight pounds or so. Addictions do that to you, ya know. They take your strength, time, money, sanity and even your soul. And for what? Distractions that are fleeting at best? Then you literally feed them with comfort foods that leave you with nothing but pounds.  Well, thanks to amazing support and some good therapy I am getting a handle on both and am controlling my eating again. Woo-fucking-hoo!!! By year’s end, maybe sooner, I will see that 225 on my scale again. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about time:

Labor Day Weekend is upon us and I’m sitting here lamenting how much time I’ve pissed away in my life. We always say things like “I can’t believe it’s already ________,” and insert your choice of holiday, day or date here, but this time I cannot blame work or a hectic life on my loss of time. I am the only one responsible for wasting so much time in my life to my addictions, and now the year is three-quarters over and I have little to show for it. I wanted to be rich and well-into writing a book by now. Yeah, that didn’t happen. I wanted to be planning weight loss speaking engagements. Strike two. I should have been doing so much more than I have actually done but gave in to the addict in me. Sigh. Well, I am going to be making the utmost of the remaining three months of this year. I have a lot of time to make up for and I will be. You’ll see. I will get there.

A mini-blog about food:

This morning was a true test of my Bill Power. I had such a taste for a breakfast burrito from McDonald’s. I don’t know why that is but I did. Maybe I just needed protein to replenish myself, or maybe the thought of something hot and eggy/cheesy sounded good. But I held back and decided instead to just get my reduced-fat blueberry muffin and coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. Man, since that binge of not-so-long ago I have really tried to ask myself “do I really need/want ______,” and fill in the blank with your comfort food of choice, with the answer almost always being “no, I don’t.” So I’ve passed up cravings for strawberry ice-cream, McDonald’s and even that delicious peach shake from Chick-Fil-A in favor of healthier drinks and meals. And lo and behold it’s working again. Gee, go figure…

A final mini-blog about the Labor Day holiday weekend:

Usually I take Saturdays and Sundays off to give my wee brain a rest from writing (and to give you a rest from my rantings about, well, stuff). But this weekend I am going to be taking advantage of the holiday and taking tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday off. It will be good to get out and take in some of the summer air (even though a hurricane is supposed to be hitting the Jersey coast sometime tomorrow), and things I have all but ignored over the summer so far. What will I do? I have no idea but that is a beautiful thing. All I know is I will be appreciating life, communing with my mom’s spirit a bit and being present. These days that’s all that matters.

And there you have it, a scatter-brained, roller coaster blog to start the holiday weekend off right (I guess). In going to therapy and going to twelve-step meetings I have done my absolute best to adhere to the steps themselves. They say in meetings to work the steps because they work if you work them, and I am doing that. I am trying so that a healing time can happen. I know I have done wrong in my life but it is time to heal and continue making myself a better man. That means taking care of myself, setting boundaries, keeping tabs on my weight, not wasting anymore time, thinking about comfort foods and being present to enjoy long, lazy weekends. I hope you guys can all do the same. Life is truly a precious gift and is way too short to waste it on the negative. Be well, my friends, and avoid eating too much comfort food like hot dogs and burgers (especially if you do get down). You’ll feel better soon. You’ll see. We will all get there soon.

Day fifteen.

It’s a bright and sunny day today.The sky is clear, absolutely clear and the rest of the day lies ahead. How many times did I say that to try to look at the day optimistically? To make the most of the time and beauty in a day? Many, many times, I know. And there were times, especially in my weight loss, where I did make the most of that time, like when I made time to get a workout. But in my addiction that gradually regressed until many of my days were pissed away with me only doing the bare minimum.

I attended my fourth twelve-step meeting yesterday and my first direct appointment on Saturday, and both were great at helping cut through the stuff and get to the core of what brought me to this point.  It was the fear of not being liked and it was that fear that truly got me so far away from who I was that I lost sight of me for a long, long time…and made me eventually lose sight of my religion, as well.

When I say religion I do not necessarily mean going to church and praying, although there is a component to that, too. No, I meant my religion in terms of taking care of myself and working out. These past couple of weeks have truly challenged me into acknowledging how much I let that slip in all this. I am a believer in God. I know there are many variations of higher beings out there for many different people and beliefs, and that’s cool. But I do believe in God and as much as I haven’t attended actual church I stopped praying at the alter of the elliptical, free weights and leg presses, too.

This last week specifically I have been making that time to reconnect with working out. I added in at least one hour every day solely dedicated to hitting the gym. And almost every day last week (save for one where it was unavoidable to not workout) I got my ass back to the gym to not only supplement the martial arts training but to get back to my core, the man I want to become physically, too. And it’s working. It really is working.

Like I said attending the meetings has been such a wonderful thing in so many ways, but it also serves as a reminder that I do have an obligation to restore the healthy in my life and to strive for that every single day because some people cannot or do not have the strength to do that. The meetings are the great reminder of one’s core gifts, and while we are all the same in that room you can tell, just tell, who is O.K. coming out of a meeting and who is holding on this/close to losing it all.

I came that close. I really did. Everything that’s happened has brought me to a point in life where I not only really face me for the first time but also deal with what’s really going on inside, what really made me act this way. I am actually excited again about things, among them going back to “church.” My church. The church of the gym and of fitness. The only thing I did right all this time was lose weight and I have to keep doing it right if for no one else than myself. But also for you guys, too.

We all lose our way. I know we do. In the twelve-step meetings they explain how there is no shame and no judgment. Just a way to connect with people going through the same stuff so you do know you’re not alone. The same can be said for this blog. I am human. I’ve always said that. I slip up and eat shit I’m not supposed to and there are days I don’t feel like working out. But there is no way we will get the results we want until we address our stuff and get to work. Not just physically but mentally, and not just mentally but physically. Plain and simple.

These past couple of weeks, part of what’s saved me and made my mind free is that exercise, the actual sweating, kicking and hitting a bag, doing six push-ups kind of exercise. Also, part of what’s saved me is the actual going to the gym by myself and hitting the elliptical, doing my kicks and punches in there, too, my tricep dips and my crunch turns. That is awesome. I am glad to say I am getting back in touch with religion. I know we all don’t believe in God, or a God, or even have something/someone to whom to pray. But that’s alright. That is a very personal thing, and it’s for each and every one of us to find whether we pray at the alter of the Lord or pray at the alter of the gym.

Thankfully, these days I’ve been doing both.

Day nine.

It’s absolutely amazing how addictions, to no matter what, seem to show the same patterns and symptoms. Take for example denial. The old Bill would have made a funny, cheesy joke about it not being a river in Egypt, but this new Bill knows all too well denial because I lived it – twice. It is no laughing or joking matter. It is serious and it applied to my weight loss then and it applies to my life now.

Before, when I was over 400 pounds I was in complete denial. How do I know? One, it was always in the back of my head. I just chose to ignore it. Two, because I am finally facing what denial is thanks to the help I am seeking now and I can say I exhibited all the signs of it. It says in twelve-step literature, denying a problem exists is a common form of resistance for those having trouble recognizing and coming to grips with their problems. Various forms of denial include thinking:

• “I’m not as bad as others…”
• “I’m not addicted to (and insert your addiction here)…”
• “I come from a good family/better background…”
• “One more time won’t hurt…”
• “This is everywhere, therefore I can’t get free.”

When I was 400 pounds I swear to God I thought each and every one of these things. I would walk into a big and tall store and plop down my money for a size 5XL shirt thinking “hell, they do make shirts in 6XL and even 7XL. And I’m not that bad.” Thinking I wasn’t addicted to food was just a joke. It was like I couldn’t live without it. Even here I talk about food extremely fondly. Of course, we all have a soft place in our hearts for our favorite foods, but back then I “needed” them. The taste in my mouth for them was so great I had to satisfy it and most often did.

I also thought that since my mama loved me and instilled in me a sense of “you can do anything” I was “above” that kind of thing. And one more egg roll, Sausage McMuffin with Egg sandwich or hot dog would not only not hurt but also not make a difference in my weight even though I was topping the scale at 400. Shit, and the last thing, the “it’s everywhere, therefore I can’t get free” thing is why I call driving on a main street “driving the gauntlet,” the row of endless fast food chains waiting to take you in with open arms to offer you greasy comfort.

That is denial and I went through it then, and like I said recently realized how much I was in denial again about a great many things. Denial is powerful, but denial is also a two-sided coin. On one side denial offers you excuses to continue. It gives you the reasoning in your mind to keep doing X, Y or Z. It keeps you company when you are alone and feeling disgusted after doing X, Y or Z, remember “one more time won’t hurt.”

But if you flip the script denial gives you the keys to recognizing you have a problem and can actually help you stop what you are doing. You know the cheesy, cliche line “recognizing you have a problem is the first step in recovery?” Well, it may be cliche but the shit is true, and it will be true forever. If you are ready, I mean really bottomed out and ready to actually work on this, then the signs of denial are almost like a roadmap to getting help.

Back in 2005 I came to grips with the fact that I had to lose weight or I’d be dead. Now, I am coming to grips with the many “whys” I was that way, why I am this way and what I’m going to do about it. I am not in denial anymore and it feels good and I plan to stay on this road to recovery. And if you, out there, are wanting to lose weight and know you need to lose weight because your health and life are affected take a good, long and hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are in denial. The scale and mirror don’t lie, so when you admit that to yourself you help yourself more than you’ll ever know. And moreover, it flips the coin of denial from the bad side to the good side and takes away that demon’s power over you.

Our struggles may be ongoing but we are fighting and that is something, especially when you are trying to regain a foothold on life – especially one that slips out of even your own control. And very much like when I was in denial twice (remember, about weight and current issues) I have made this promise twice: I never want to be there again. I said it with weight and won and I am saying it now. I want the old Bill gone and gone forever and I will do everything in my power to make that happen.