Determined To Succeed

Day seventy-three.

There are times that I can’t help thinking about the movies. Ever since I was a kid, and thanks to my awesome mother, JoAnn Larson, I have always loved the movies and the magic they create. They happen to hold a treasure trove of answers to life’s great mysteries and challenges and offer advice and examples of situations that can be applied to, well, almost everyone. A prime example of this was at last night’s twelve-step meeting which felt less like a collection of broken people and more like the original Fellowship from “Lord of the Rings.”

In “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring” Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, et. al. are brought together and told of a great mission they must undertake – to return the powerful but evil ring of power to the fires of the volcanic Mount Doom to be destroyed forever. If you even somewhat familiar with the story, spread out over three books (and three incredible movies) you know Frodo is the keeper of the ring and, as such, falls victim at points to its incredible power. However, thanks to the strength and determination of his friends and the Fellowship he is able to complete his mission and save Middle Earth from darkness.

In the meeting last night, as we all gathered around the tables set up in a square formation so we could all see each other (like a certain Round Table with which we are familiar) we told our individual tales of the week, or even the day or hour, that brought us to the meeting point last night. There was a resounding sense of taking a breath from each one of us and many of us, myself included, thanked the other members of the group for being there to offer support, encouragement, friendship and, of course, fellowship to us along our journeys. It was then that my mind knew that while there was no “one ring” to return to the molten lava of a volcano we all needed each other from time to time, as Frodo needed Sam and the rest of the Fellowship, to keep going.

After the meeting I sat for a minute in my car and thought about how safe and relaxing the meeting was. It was nowhere near as uncomfortable as Sunday’s meeting, but no matter how weird, uncomfortable or whatever the meetings get they are always a safe place for people to land when they feel as though they can’t get to where they need to go in life and have nowhere else to go to take some of the burden of life away – if even for just an hour. That is the beauty of them and why they are absolutely necessary.

In this thing I call a weight loss journey I have always tried to offer support, guidance, humor and, most of all, a human story to the realities of weight loss to everyone looking to lose weight. I do this because I know the one thing that all people crave is company. We all want understanding, caring, an ear. Most of all, we want (and need) fellowship so we know we are not alone in any of this fight through which we are going. Losing weight is hard enough but to do it without the encouragement of others, be them family, friends, co-workers or others in a group, would be damn near impossible. At least it would be for me.

One of the things I have always said is that none of us is alone in this quest to lose extra pounds and I reaffirm that today. Each and every one of us deserve another chance in life to do the good things we are meant to do, most of all to and for ourselves and I support you, my friends. Weight loss is a bitch but I understand your pain. I share it. I see it when I step on the scale. I feel it in the gym when I sweat. But no matter how hard it gets our fellowship – or our Fellowship – stays strong and committed.  And if you need just a word or two of strength all you need to do is read these Determined To Succeed weight loss blogs. They are not only my story but our story. It may not be as nicely written as “Lord of the Rings” but it is something in which we all can share strength, wisdom, advice and healing.

The weight will come off and demons will go away. That is why all good stories end with six of the best words ever written…

…and they lived happily ever after.

Day seventy-one.

Happy Monday, everybody. Did you have a great weekend? More to the point, did you make it through the weekend without eating too much and getting in some exercise? I hope so, especially since it was a heavy sports weekend (if you’re into that). Regular-season football, MLB playoff baseball…it can take its toll colorically and physically (I can also be quite the couch potato). Thankfully, I did maintain my weight (237) despite a few daliances (I did give in to my Twinkie craving) and am starting the week on a great note.

Yesterday, I attended my regular Sunday night twelve-step meeting and it was, putting it mildly, interesting. There were a few people I’ve never seen before but apparently were part of the fellowship some months or years prior to my arrival. One person had a particularly scary story to tell while they were “getting current” with the group and it really threw me for a loop. While I won’t reveal what they said suffice it to say I was uncomfortable, extremely so, but overall the group was good last night because of the topics selected – trust, things to do and resentment. These three topics seemed very appropriate for me given that each one goes through my mind on a daily basis.

There have been many things I have resented in my life but none more so than my own actions at times. I was as low as I could go and I hated myself for it. Dammit, those demons were strong and terrifying and I gave into each and every one of them. Before I confronted my past and found out the reasons why I was “acting out” in the present I resented, and had great shame over, great portions of my past and I tried to bury it all, sometimes with massive amounts of food. Yes, I also resented being 400 pounds, but once I started valuing life again, especially over these last seventy-one days, I’ve come to know I am stronger than those demons and can win and win without Twinkies, ice-cold regular Coca-Cola (Coke Zero is now my new BFF) and mass quantities of egg rolls or beef fried rice.

Trust is a tricky thing with me, especially since I never really let many people inside because of the walls a created to “protect” myself. Funny how the mind works. You secretly want to let people in because you want to be held and loved but, because of shame and fear, you build up blockers to keep people out as a defense mechanism. Well, not anymore and I think I’m getting better and better at it every day. The secret being that I realized I had to rebuild trust, not just with people in my life but, most importantly, with myself and that comes from liking me again and knowing I will make the right choices now. Choices I can trust are the best ones for me and building on that.

As far as filling my time with things to do, well, you guys know the things I’m working on. This weight loss blog is one of them. I find one of my triggers to eat is due to me feeling bored when I don’t have things filling my time. I eat to pass the time and that is so wrong. It was so wrong. So now I am concentrating on the positives and am working on many things, one of which I will reveal to you in the next month or month-and-a-half or so as it pertains to my upcoming 40th birthday.

When I left the meeting last night I could feel myself on the right path. I am in a positive place and that feels good. I may have had a Twinkie or two this past week but I exercised and did not eat out. All of this, especially in weight loss, is retraining the mind to act in different ways – to choose different paths than we would have chosen before and re-learning how to act. That rediscovery is cool…so cool. It’s almost like the world is new and we have a new world full of opportunity at our feet.

It is just up to each and every one of us to walk that path to get to those opportunities. For the first time in my life I do feel worth it which helps me immensely as I drive the gauntlet of fast food places (especially Burger King) passing them all up for the wonderful BLTs I had at home last night for dinner, or the leftover grilled BBQ pork chops I had for lunch Saturday. Those are the meals I look forward to now. That is the future I look forward to now.

So have a great start to your week, my friends, and good luck on your weight loss journeys. Remember, food may be awesome but you are more awesome and deserve better than you give yourself sometimes. So you don’t have to eat if you really don’t want to or feel ashamed to, because it will always feel better to open up and talk to someone – anyone – than to keep that stuff inside. And no matter what, as you try to walk that path of opportunity, I promise you one thing…you are not alone.

Day fifty.

Hey there, everybody. I am sitting at the computer this morning humbled and appreciative. Why? Two reasons: One, they were two of the topics in last night’s twelve-step meeting. Two,  that last night’s meeting was probably the most powerful twelve-step meeting I have attended yet, for while I am on a better and healthier path for myself I am concerned for a guy in the group who I will call “Ray.”

Ray and I have spoken just a few times over the last few weeks. We never get into any kind of deeper discussion about anything (it’s always football or stuff like that). But last night Ray shared something very powerful with the group, something that made me have to catch my own breath. Something that made me both humbled and appreciative at the same time. Something that reminded me why I am on my new path and why I need to be on it for the rest of my life.

You see, Ray’s spouse left him because of his addictions (yes, he has more than one, that much I know). They finally took their toll and now Ray feels alone, scared and, most of all, like acting out. Thank God there were 23 other people in the room last night (the biggest crowd I’ve seen since starting to go to these meetings) most of whom Ray knows and who knew Ray. After Ray “shared” with the group I sat there in stunned silence. I hadn’t planned on sharing or saying anything last night. Just thank God, the spirit of my mom and the universe for the blessings of this past week silently and appreciate the chance to rediscover life and being a better human being. But after Ray shared I felt compelled to share. And this is what I basically shared:

That we, in this or any group like it, are damned lucky to be in such a fellowship and community. That no matter what addictions you are going through, and yes, absolutely, this does include any and all food addictions, there are people who understand. There are people who may not know the particular details of a person’s individual story but who, through sharing, can show they understand how another person feels and why they may do certain things because of the similarities in their own lives. Most of all, how lucky and blessed we all are that we can come to that room however many times a week and, for that hour, be in the safest room there is, to let loose, to share, get current, get angry or just be happy, especially in a world that is filled with people and other groups that may or may not understand (or want to understand) what’s going on and how serious and real something is.

When the meeting was over I gave Ray a hug, as did a few other guys in the group, and I left with a renewed sense of life. Ray, in his sharing, admitted he felt like acting out. He has not discussed specifically how he does act out but I am scared he will. He did mention twice before he acts out with food, and that has me worried, too, for I know all too well how comfort food makes false promises of support while leaving you the next day with nothing but disappointment in your soul and extra pounds on your hips and ass.

I said a prayer for Ray last night and sent a gentle wish on the wind that he has the strength to make it to the next meeting despite the temptations in the world to act out. I have felt that way in my life, too, and did and for that I will forever be ashamed. But I have learned where I don’t want to be ever again in life, in part because that unhappiness and need led to me being so heavy in the first place. No matter what I am so very thankful that I did bottom out and realize, in more ways than one, how I never wanted to be the old Bill ever again.

As we start this week take a moment in your day to say a prayer for the “Rays” in your lives, people you know who are struggling with problems that might make them do crazy, whacked out things, and give them a call, drop them a letter or e-mail or just give them a hug. Let them know they are not alone as I let you all know you are not alone on this sometimes treacherous and tricky road we call weight loss. There may be pitfalls, potholes and uneven pavement but we help each other past those things. Our stories may be different but they are the same, and I, for one, am so very grateful to you all that you are out there, too, because it reminds me of the blessings I have in life and that I, too, am not alone.

Day forty-five.

My friends,  since I don’t know what time of day you usually catch all the blog that’s fit to type (thank you, New York Times) I will wish you good day. I feel so energized today for two reasons: one, I had a wowzer of a twelve-step meeting last night and I am down in my weight thanks to some mighty powerful positive energy and a kick-ass workout yesterday at the gym.

Let’s start with the gym…

I know I’ve said this before but I am sticking to my guns now – I am making working out my religion again. No, there is nothing that replaces God, but working out makes me feel, well, “high.” It gives me both a physical and mental boost and I got the chance yesterday to work out – both physically and mentally – a lot of the demons that had come to visit these past couple of days.  It felt good to employ much of what my sensei Doug Shaffer is teaching me about mixed martial arts as part of my workout. I did leg work and arm work. Hell, I even did roundhouse kicks and had a great day with my ever-aging hip. I did my tricep dips, push-ups and shadowboxing (which works up a sweat by itself). Also , I am eating better, too. That is the vital co-component to any weight loss, don’t forget. I am working out AND also not eating the comfort foods, and I am drinking more water. Because of that I am enjoying my new downward trend, thank you very much. Even with just a few days of recommitment I saw a 239.2 on my scale today, and I so can’t wait to hit the gym again today. Woohoo!!!!

As for my twelve-step meeting last night I have to say it was a whopper. You’ve heard me talk about my meetings before but last night I attended such a powerful meeting I just have to share. I will never betray the tenets of the meetings (meaning I will never discuss details, names, etc.) but suffice it to say I am a true believer in those meetings. They offer places in which individuals from all walks of life can  let it all out and allows people to  express themselves – whether through anger, sadness, contemplation or happiness – in the safest, most non-judgmental environments. We are all there for various reasons connected through addiction, but I pray for some of those people sometimes. I really do, especially in a world that would shun, ridicule, belittle or make fun of us for even being there. At least for that hour we are safe from all that BS, and our shame, anger, worry, resentment and misery all have company.

When I left that meeting I looked up at the sky and thanked God for the positive things and people in my life, because many people in that room do not have that going for them, and many also have other addictions they are fighting, not the least of which is food – something to which I can totally relate. That’s why I was so jazzed to hit the gym. Working out centers me. It lets me know I am putting sweat-equity into myself and doing work on myself both spiritually and physically. It helps me make “living amends” to myself and others and keeps me on the path to be that better man.

Have a wonderful, positive day, my friends. Go and conquer the world, or at least your parts of it. You are so worthy of success in whatever form, but especially in weight loss. If losing weight is your goal, go for it. I am proud of you and with you 100%. And I know this blog is rambly today and I apologize. I am still in utter appreciation, wonder and, admittedly, shock over some of the things I heard last night. And even when I might not feel O.K.  I will be O.K. We all will be because of one simple thing…we are here now, and present in our own lives and that makes all the difference in the world. And  I am going to do my best to stay here and be here for as long as I am here.

Hear, hear!

Day thirty-eight.

I will apologize now if today’s entry seems a bit off. It comes from my experiences attending last night’s meeting. There’s just no other way to say this, but last night’s twelve-step meeting was weird. There was just a weird energy in the room. As there were twelve of us and it was all guys, the subtle movie reference to “Twelve Angry Men” wasn’t lost on me, but it was the tone that was different and more pronounced. It wasn’t angry. It was a tone of desperation. Quiet desperation. That’s the only way I can put it to you.

I am always humbled being in my meetings because I find people struggling with the same addictions from which I suffer (including the urge to eat everything in sight). It helps to ground me and make me absolutely thankful for the life I have. But I have to admit sometimes I do not suffer from the same moods others do, and there seemed to be a sense in the room from several of the guys of just going through the motions and being there just to be there, saying things because they are correct and guys “telling” on themselves as if in Catholic confessional – as if to clear their consciences of what they’ve done so they can maybe do it again. I don’t know how much of this had to do with last night’s topic of amends-making but it was clear several of the guys just wanted to get stuff off their chests, which is cool, but it seemed the desperation felt by them was of feeling lost and not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

As I sat and listened I felt compelled, almost, to just say something positive just to have a positive affirmation of some type in the air. It wasn’t a “blow smoke up your ass” kind of comment, it was honest, but I wanted it to be of some affirmation that we were all doing well offering each other friendship and fellowship while working on those afore-mentioned amends, not just to others but to ourselves, too, because, in my mind, we absolutely have to continue backing up those amends with actions. That, and only that, makes those amends stick and mean something. I’ll give you an example related to food.

Last month I received free coupons in the mail for Chick-Fil-A (and I loves me some Chick-Fil-A). These coupons were for a free breakfast sandwich, a free Spicy Chicken Sandwich and a free Coke Zero. I may not be able to use all the coupons at the same time but this small sheet of coupons is rare because no other purchases were required. Just drive up, order the freebie, turn over the appropriate coupon and leave. Easy-peasy. But my problem comes in when I think about the WHY I want to take advantage of those coupons.

Not growing up with very much food I hoarded what I could. That comes from the insecurity of abandonment, that feeling of “what will I have if this goes away?” That’s all. Being in good therapy these days I recognize it for what it is and I am now better-equipped to say “food will not leave me, even if I do not take advantage of this coupon.” My conflict comes also from it being free food and a waste if I don’t use it, which goes against my grain to use the blessing of free food when and where I can. However, I made an apology to myself for being 400 pounds in the first place and for regaining 20 or so pounds after mom died.  I made an amends to get right with myself to re-re-re-re-lose this last bloody 20 pounds to get back to my goal weight.  If I used those coupons, even though it is for free food, it would mean my amends meant nothing (especially since the chicken sandwich in question is deep-fried and the breakfast sandwiches, while yummy, aren’t the healthiest for you, calorically speaking).

So, in my meeting last night I tried to say to these guys, “look, we are here working on this but we need to keep working on this. We can’t just come here to spout off and go away. This is as honest and as real as it gets and we have to back up those amends for not only the people in our lives but for ourselves. That’s why we’re here.” God, I hope that message got through because I take sobriety and addiction very seriously, especially since it can so frequently involve food and eating and easy, easy weight gain.

I left that room last night as fast as I could without being rude because I wanted to be back in my positive zone. I know there will be times I am down in the dumps but I will remember my blessings and push through those times because, having been where I’ve been, I never want to be there again. Ever. That includes being 400 pounds because quietly desperate times like last night make the desires for cheeseburgers, fried mushrooms, Chinese food, pizza and more that much stronger. But it’s through the amends process, and the twelve steps, that I am trying my best to not just SAY I’m gonna be better but actually BE better in my new and healthier reality.

Day twenty-four.

Happy September, everyone. Man, yesterday I was both a mess and euphoric. I admit, when I’m sick, I’m a bit of a baby especially since I don’t get sick very often. And while it wasn’t the full-bore cold it could have been it was enough to sap my strength, make my head all poofy and have my throat all scratchy and in pain the whole day. On the other hand, I took care of myself, something I haven’t done really for a long, long time and part of that care involved two things: taking myself for a nice walk in the clean, hot air and going to a twelve-step meeting last night.

I was very torn about the walk. I had zero energy and motivation to get up from the couch and I sure as hell didn’t want to get ready and dressed to walk outside for an hour. But I had to clear my head. Not just physically because of the cold or because I felt like acting out or anything, but because I was mulling something over in my brain. I was thinking about everything and needed some time to commune with nature and my mom, JoAnn’s, spirit to help me be calm and relax. Later, I attended my twelve-step meeting which, I have to say is a wonderful way to re-juice the soul because it’s great knowing you have the fellowship and support of the people around you on any given night.

Whenever I sit in that room and listen to others I gain new perspectives on things. They help me turn things over in my brain and center me and last night’s meeting gave me a good idea of what pain is like from the perspective of someone experiencing it. I have to tell you how powerful that is, and how humbling. It strips away every piece of bullshit inside you and makes you feel something which, for many of us, is for the first time in years. Feeling the pain of others makes me realize and understand the pain I have put people through in my life. I may not be able to fully make amends to those people but I sure am trying the best way I know how – going to these meetings and getting the help I need.

I can only imagine that other addictions are the same at their core. You crave X and will do anything – lie, cheat, hurt people, shut yourself off – just to have X. That also goes for food. But with addiction, the more you spiral down into it the more shame you feel, therefore you withdraw more and more into your world, alone and broken not knowing how to get out.

After feeling the sun on my face yesterday and after going to my meeting I felt present. Yes, it does hurt to hear these things and yes, it does hurt facing them but any addict needs to if they are to get out of their own personal abyss. It needs to be felt because our emotions have been out of it for so long and it does cause others great pain. That goes for food, drugs, alcohol, whatever. If recovery were easy it wouldn’t work, plain and simple. Put another way, we addicts need to feel to know what it’s like to be a human being again, one that’s not driven by a drug but one that is driven by being a feeling being.

That is why I was euphoric. I felt that pain yesterday. I felt it. I wasn’t distracting myself and it felt good. That’s why I didn’t give in to the temptation to just be a slug on my couch. I got up and walked. I did that to take care of me in my recovery from being under the weather. And I went to my twelve-step meeting to take care of me in my recovery to heal as a human being to try to be a good and decent man.

I am starting to come back down in my weight, too. I am at 235 even today and that feels amazing. I can feel that excitement again. I have a measly ten pounds to go to re-achieving my goal weight and I will one day. I will because I recognize what it’s like to turn off and medicate and numb yourself to reality. However, now I am facing reality for the first time and it strengthens me, thank God. That goes for my weight loss journey, too. I was so worried about handling one addiction I was turning back to food as comfort. I just realized it and got a handle on both, that’s all. And I was able to do that because the pieces of my soul that had been gone for so long are now coming back and making me here and present and alive.

It’s amazing what a person can do when they have their soul back. It is. That will give me the strength to kick that bag today and that will give me the strength to carry on in weight loss and in recovery. And in the end, I won’t be a mess anymore. I will be healed in body, mind and, most of all, spirit so I never again fall into the dark abyss I was in for so long.