Determined To Succeed

What do I want? What Do I want?

How many times have we asked that very question to ourselves standing at the counter of our usual coffee shop or restaurant? That is the very question that usually starts my day when I am in line or going through the drive-thru getting my morning coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts.

Some people like Starbucks. Some like Seattle’s Best. In these parts (Southern New Jersey) some people choose Wawa (hey, don’t make fun of the name – Wawa kicks every other convenient store’s butt) my usual is a Dunkin’ Donuts medium hot coffee with extra cream and extra sugar (it’s bad I know but I like a little coffee with my sugar). But today was slightly different. I was feeling a bit hungry today. I wanted some breakfast-type thing, and the more people in front of me the more time I have to anticipate, test my taste buds and make a decision about what my coffee would be washing down.

So I started thinking about my usual Dunkin’ Donuts Egg & Cheese Wake Up Wrap. How tasty that simple (and not very calorie-filled) egg and cheese would be. But then the smells hit me and I became distracted by the smells of bacon, sausage and the oh-so tempting bagels passing by me. That got me all discombobulated and I had visions of a big ol’ sausage, egg and cheese sandwich on a croissant. “Ooh, that would be good,” I thought as I took one step/person closer to the counter.

Then, matters got worse. I then got a good look at all the freshly-made doughnuts behind the cashiers. There were jelly-filled, chocolate-covered and muffin delights by the dozen calling out like puppies or kittens saying “take me home, take me home.” Grrrrr. I love a good Boston Crème doughnut, too.

I got one person closer. It’s almost decision time. What will I have? The simple Egg & Cheese Wake Up Wrap didn’t seem enough just then but I knew I shouldn’t have the bulk, fat and calories of a full-on breakfast sandwich. What will I have? What will I have?

Then it’s my turn. I step up to the counter and greet the cashier who is now looking at me with that “hurry up and order, there’s a hundred people behind you” look in her eyes. It was then that I made my final decision.

“One medium hot coffee with extra cream and extra sugar please,” I said.

Knowing her inevitable response I sturdied myself – “Will there be anything else?”

My answer was simple but definite. “No, thank you.”

It took all my will power (or in my case Bill power) this morning to resist the temptations of those foods. While I know I will eat any and everything in moderation on my weight loss journey, today somehow felt different like if I had had that sausage-filled breakfast sandwich or bagel with extra cream cheese it would have led me down a slippery slope all weekend. And that was something I was definitely didn’t want to do.

So I took my coffee and thanked the cashier, who acknowledged my thanks in the same nod she gave the next patron asking for their order, and felt better. No, I felt lighter. For while the person in front of me and the person behind ordered a breakfast sandwich and bagel with cream cheese, respectively, I knew in my gut I had made a smarter food choice today.

So what did I end up having for breakfast? Fruit…

…and a nice cup of hot coffee with extra cream and extra sugar.

Hey there, my friends. Today’s blog is gonna be short and sweet as I am getting ready to hop in a car and head to New York City. And with the “impending storm” the east is supposed to get again I’ll be spending the night there, too.

OK, I’m gonna let the cat out of the bag. The reason I am headed to New York City is to tape a segment for the 100th episode of the Dr. Oz show. I am thrilled they thought my weight loss story was good enough for the show which focuses on people who have lost over 100 lbs.

I’m also hoping to tell the world about this website, DETERMINEDTOSUCCEED.COM. It really is my goal to help people in every way I can to lose weight and do it being healthy and happy. I may not be trained in any way but I know I like food, I know I’m human and I knew if I didn’t lose weight I was not gonna live (or live well) later in life.

Problem is, I am a nervous eater and I nervously ate last night and am nervously hungry today. However, I was smart yesterday. While I had a Lean Cuisine for lunch, some chili and Wawa salad for dinner I snacked on bowls of cereal instead of acting on my fast food instinct. So I consider it a victory. Should I have eaten at all? No. But at least I had healthier cereal and milk instead of a 600-calorie Whopper with Cheese, fries and a Coke.

I just need to keep my healthier, thinner wits about me today as I tackle the Big Apple. Is the prospect of being on national TV a powerful motivator to not gorge myself? Hell yes. But that doesn’t mean I’m not human and don’t WANT to. But I packed my workout clothes and hopefully the hotel has a gym in which I can burn off the need for beef fried rice, Milky Way bars and Cokes.

I will give you guys a full report after tomorrow, Wednesday. That is when we tape the show. Today I just head in to record an audio piece that will be used later. Can you tell I’m a bit nervous? I feel like I’m just rambling…

…oh, which reminds me I have to pack some clementines on which to snack. I don’t want to actually take a bite out of that Big Apple and they’re a far better and healthier than anything I’m sure the hotel will carry in their mini-store.

I should know better than eating late.

It all started yesterday afternoon when I found out that I needed to track down some older “before” photos of me for a project I’m working on. So after recording and posting the most recent weight loss podcast, “Preparing Yourself for the Snow,” I had to dig deep into the archives and find older pictures of the much-heavier Bill.

It took me a while – a good couple of hours – but I found some. Boy did I find some. Yikes! It was actually very emotional. Not only was I taking a walk down memory lane with pictures of me being at (or maybe in some cases over) 400 lbs. but I also was finding absolutely priceless photos of my mom, JoAnn.

Seeing all these photos last night hit me like a ton of bricks. And what was my first instinct? “OK, let’s grab some Chinese food to help make it all feel better.” I hate that urge sometimes. Beef fried rice is SUCH a comfort food to me that my mind, like a tape recorder reversing and replaying, kept telling me over and over to get the fried rice.

Thank God I’ve written the past few days about realizing the WHYs of emotional eating. I finished up the photo search at roughly 8:45 and was really hungry. So I got in my car and had to keep the voices who kept screaming beef fried rice at bay. But I didn’t know what else to get. But then it hit me. Wawa Italian Hoagie.

I figured it like this – a freshly made small  sandwich, even with light mayo, was way healthier than my “usual” tub of fried rice. And even though I am an emotional eater and was very weak last night I resisted that urge to give in and had myself that hoagie (sub sandwich or grinder for everyone else in the US and abroad).

Did I compromise? Yes, a bit. I did have one Coke. Just one (I needed some small comfort). My dinner was delicious and I beat my craving for Chinese food. However, I didn’t end up eating until after 9:30 which is bad for two reasons – 1) you shouldn’t eat too late if you can help it as it doesn’t help the body burn the calories 2) it gives me really freaky dreams.

It’s slowly slipping away as I write this but I was in a huge house/arena and me (the fighter) had to go up against different competitors who had different skills. I remember saying to my handler “Please don’t let me get someone who knows swords.” Sure enough my next competitor’s specialty was swords. Before the “match” I woke up.

Weird? Yes. However I took it for what it was. That sword master/opponent was beef fried rice. My unnerving sense of not being able to beat it was that easy emotional temtation to be weak for the beef fried rice. Us not actually fighting was my victory over it. At least that time.

Man, do I need to stop eating so late. Waking up like I’ve just come from a field of battle is, well, tiring. I do my best to stay strong against food temptations. But I’m an emotional eater and a stress eater and I was having both yesterday.

I stay at 233.9 this morning and that is another victory. Hopefully I can get to a workout today to flush this dream out of my system to help me get to my lose 5 lbs. goal by next week. Until then, I’m gonna have dinner tonight earlier.

Much earlier. 

Happy Tuesday, my friends. I think yesterday’s 6ABC interview went really well (and boy, am I happy I cleaned up a bit before they came).  Their producer, Dawn, and her camera guy were great and I had the opportunity to answer questions about my weight loss journey, why I started the website and how I hope to inspire people to begin or continue losing weight with it. It was cool.

I even got in my workout afterward, so I was thrilled.

After everything calmed down a bit yesterday my stomach was still uneasy, though. It took me a while to realize that it didn’t have as much to do with being nervous about the shoot yesterday as it did the sad feelings I was having over buying a box from the Container Store.

You see, in my efforts to clean up the place for 6ABC I had to file some papers away to make my office area look presentable (you always clean when company comes, don’t ya). Anyway, part of that involved not only shredding some of my mom’s papers I no longer needed (old bills since paid, old apartment leases, etc.) and finding a place to put some photos and all the sympathy cards I received from people. So I went to the Container Store.

I love shopping. Anyone who knows me knows that, and I love the Container Store. You can find stuff in there for anything. I found archival boxes (the kind used my the Library of Congress) for some important newspapers I am keeping (i.e. the newspapers announcing Obama’s election as president – soooo keeping those) but I had the toughest time finding a box I thought was suitable for my mom. I began to have a slight panic feeling in my stomach as I literally stood in the middle of the store, looked around and felt lost and hurt. I didn’t want to put the memories of my mother away. Place them in a box and shelve them. Not just yet.  I started to tear up.

Just then I looked to my left and saw a very nice simple (what I am sure was faux leather) box with a place on top for a photo. For cards and pictures and maybe an eventual letter or two it was perfect. I hurried and purchased it and went home, but I was still upset that this was happening. I know it’s all a normal part of things but it was time and I guess I wasn’t ready.

Over the course of Sunday it built up inside me, that crazy feeling I got to just eat everything. I am an emotional eater. Always have been. Add to that feeling of sadness the nervous feeling I had from yesterday’s shoot and I was a nervous wreck. So much so I wondered about actually stopping at an old friend’s for dinner. And not the good, real old friend kind. I mean the gauntlet – the little red-haired girl, the clown, the king or the colonel.

I drove around yesterday looking for that comfort, that old feeling of having it feel better at least for a bit. But it then hit me. I didn’t need them. I shouldn’t be turning to them. They suck as friends. Sure they have yummy things but that’s no good and they’d only leave me unhappier afterward. After that sigh of relief I thought about Chinese food (steamed chicken, not the fried rice kryptonite I wanted). Nah. I had to go to Wawa (the wonderful, clean and amazing East Coast answer to the kind of scummy-feeling 7-11 stores) to pick up a newspaper. Why not get a salad and some chili. That was it.

And that is exactly what I did for dinner.

I had actually calmed down enough to recognize what I was thinking about doing. That kind of stress/emotional eating is never good but I realized, even though I was feeling pretty blue, I still had choices and could make smarter ones. The chili was great and the Wawa salad perfect. I was happier with myself about not giving in to the temptations of McMeals, burgers, fries, fried chicken, fifteen-layer burritos – everything. Instead I calmed down, held control and ate pretty well.

As I settled in for the night on my couch I turned on Spike TV and there was, thank God, the perfect comfort food – Star Wars. I may have turned away some old friends last night but some I welcome into my home and into my life with open arms any day of the week. And that is all I needed to know that mom was still looking out for her little boy who needed some comforting.