Determined To Succeed

Day one-hundred-sixty-three.

Bah! It is a dreary-ass day here in southern New Jersey. It’s chilly, freezing-rainy and just a crap day to do anything outside.

(psssssst…don’t tell my mind I am down in my weight. I am trying to distract him…)

Ugh! It is miserable outside and all it makes me want to do is curl up on the couch, turn on TV and be all warm and toasty watching something stupid.

(shhhhhh! Fact is, I am back down to 247.4 today and I am sick of going back up in my weight. Sooooooo, I am trying to convince my mind not to obsess about it so we can continue down this path. It seems that every time my mind thinks too hard we tend to go off-track and gain weight back.)

So what am I going to do today? Well…I do have some housework I need to do, have some errands and things I need to catch up on and some writing I need to do. You know the usual for me.

(All that stuff and I am going to drag me out into the cold, blah weather to workout because it does seem to be working.)

So I am going to do my best not to let this rainy and cold winter day go by without being productive.

(Yeah! Me, too. It’s already 18 days into 2011 and I am sick and tired of still carrying around this twenty extra pounds. More than that I am tired of my mind boo-hooing about it. “Oh, woe is me!” Well, screw that! There’s no way on this earth, even with eating better, that we can lose weight without working out. Sure, we have to get dressed and ready to hit the gym but the rewards are amazing. I am now up to doing 50-plus minutes on the elliptical plus tricep dips, push-ups, stretches and tummy crunches. What does that all mean? It means I am at least keeping my weight at bay. Now if I can only convince my mind to lay off on portion sizes we’d all be OK).

Well, I wish I had more to write today but I don’t. I fear I’m going to be boring today and that’s OK. Boring can be good, I guess.

(Yes, it can, especially when boring means getting me, myself and I back into a good exercise routine).

So have as good a day as you guys can today and I will check back in soon…

(And so will I…)

…to see how things are going.

(I second that!)

And from the both of us, if you made a new year’s resolution to lose weight and keep it off (it is on our – sorry, my – 40/40 list) then we absolutely will. But time’s a tickin’ and 2011 is now in full swing…

(…and I am keeping my fingers crossed I can give you more good news next time I check in with you guys. We are all in this together. Me included. It’s hard as crap to lose weight, especially when warm comfort foods like mashed potatoes, heavy soups, chilis, pot pies and generally unhealthy, heavy things sound really freaking good. But we will. We will, I promise. We just have to keep our heads out of it sometimes and not think about doing it. Just do it).

Day one-hundred-fifty-six.

Happy new week, my friends, and welcome to the second full week of 2011. As all of you know I live in southern New Jersey and, if you’ve kept up with the weather maps and forcasts recently, you know we here are expecting another 4″ – 8″ of snow. I know I am fond of saying this alot and throwing my Chicago-ness around, but you should see and feel the anxiety of others who live here, their “the sky is falling” mentality taking over over what will amount to less than a foot of snow.

When I was a kid, they only closed the Chicago Public Schools once (that I can remember). It was for the Blizzard of 1979 during which 16.5 inches of snow fell on January 13, 1979 alone, setting a new record for snow in one calendar day. By the end of January 14, 18.8 inches of snow had fallen. That blizzard was so powerful that it resulted in the election of Jane Byrne, the first and only woman so far to be elected mayor of Chicago. In a special election, she defeated Michael Bilandic, who took over after the death of Mayor Richard J.Daley, because of the city’s badly-planned-and-executed response to the snow.

Yes, Chicago received more than 10-inches of snow more than the most this area is expected to receive over the next 24 hours. Sigh. When I was in the store yesterday buying healthy stuff to eat like salad fixins, healthy lunchmeat and veggies I surveyed the crowds all gearing up for the threat of more snow. I even overheard that a local dentist’s office was calling patients to tell them they had already decided to close on Wednesday (our snow is expected to start tonight) in anticipation. Sigh again.

It’s all “milk and eggs” in this part of the country but I guess that’s just me. But what the hell does this have to do with my weight or weight loss? For starters, I am back up a pound-and-a-half which pisses me off to no end. Next, no matter what the snow fall is I am getting my rotundness to the gym to workout today, tomorrow and every day after no matter the amount of snow.  But I have to silently hide my origins and mask my shame as I ask the attendants at the gym if they will even be open tomorrow due to the (sigh) expected snowfall.

It’s O.K., though. Weighing in at 248.9 today I am more than happy to don my snow shoes (well, sneakers – or gym shoes as we call ‘em back home) and barrel through whatever snow falls to be able to get on the elliptical to burn off this extra poundage. One of the 40/40 I listed was to absolutely get back to my goal weight and I’m gonna do it, despite my over-zealous eating habits over the weekends.

In other words, I don’t go running to the store to buy my milk, eggs and bread afraid of what might be coming, I just deal with what is happening and what actually comes as best I can. That’s all any of us can do in this world – and in this world of weight loss.

Oh, and thanks to a good friend of mine I have a correction I’d like to make to last week’s blog.

Last week, as I told you guys about seeing bald eagles in the wild, I mistakenly called a grouping of multiple bald eagles a “flock.” This, apprently, is not the case. I actually saw a convocation of eagles. If they had been hawks I would have seen a cast of hawks. Or if those hawks were spiraling in flight they would have been a boil (funny thing to call a grouping – makes me think of soup, especially on cold winter days).  Also, owls are a parliament, crocodiles are a bask  and did you know that if you’ve got a group of frogs, it’s an ARMY!!

Awesome! See, every now and then you can learn something by reading my weight loss blog, even if it doesn’t necessarily pertain to weight loss.

Or maybe it’s just my way to mentally prepare going to the gym today?

Either way, have a great day, my peeps. Talk to you soon (hopefully lighter than I am today).

PS: A big birthday shout out goes out to my mom, JoAnn, who on January 9th, would have turned 72. Happy birthday, Mama. I love and miss you very much.

Happy almost Christmas and day one-hundred-thirty-five, and I must say it’s a weird one.

Last night, actually extremely early this morning, I got up to watch the full lunar eclipse. We here in North America were lucky to be able to view the full lunar eclipse so I figured “what the hell,” it was was the last chance for those of us in the continental United States to see a total lunar ecllipse until 2014. It was gorgeous. The moon appeared a burnt orangish/red, although I didn’t catch any of the meteor shower that was supposed to have coincided with the eclipse (also rare because the eclipse happened on the same date as the 2010 winter solstice. The last lunar eclipse to happen on the day of the winter solstice was in 1638).

Why mention a celestial event on my weight loss blog? I have no idea. It’s just something I wanted to share with you guys because that event is what officially started my day. This event concluded a topsy-turvy and emotional weekend in which I heard about a friend of mine who also landed in the hospital, the birth of a child to a friend’s sister, finding a small keychain that was very, very similar to one I had been given by my mama many, many years ago that almost made me cry and a couple of other things that made my emotions go up-and-down. And kids, what do we all know about Bill? I am an emotional eater.

I have always told you I will come clean about my eating and weight ups-and-downs and I am doing just that. I ate poorly this past weekend. I ate way too much and my weight has suffered, although (thank God) not too badly. Hell, I even made a batch of (delicious) peanut butter and chocolate chip cookies (what was I thinking) and had some tortilla chips and queso watching the Chicago Bears sucessfully clinch their 2010/2011 playoff chances (awesome job, guys! Bear down, Chicago Bears! Make every play pave the way to victory…)

Sorry, got off track a bit. Where was I? Oh, yeah. My poor emotional eating this past weekend. Ugh. I feel heavy today. I didn’t sleep right (no duh since eating chips, queso and cookies) and I absolutely have to get back on track. I just admit I am a bit off. There are days I feel every minute of my newly-achieved 40 years (thanks to a daily dose of metamucil and iron pill) and there are days I feel youthful (and yes, I always will). It’s just a weird time and I need to NOT eat when those weird times happen. Eh, I just think the realities of life are just hitting me – that something seriously could have gone wrong for me in the hospital, that I am now 40, and yes, that I still miss my mother, JoAnn Larson, deeply.

So even though today is Tuesday I will start my week by trying my best to shake off this “blah” of mine, work out, eat better and get mentally fit. Gaining back a pound is not the end of the world (I am back up to 248.8 today) and I will be getting up and working out in just a bit. heck, I may even workout twice today. nah, that’s being a little too OCD about it all. And I should get out. Not only do I have to mail my Christmas cards I should get out and enjoy some fresh winter air.

Well, that’s my story today and I’m sticking to it. Me and my metamucil. maybe I would feel a spot better if it snowed a bit before Christmas. I always like when it snows just before or on Christmas. As long as I can stay away from the cookies I made I will be OK no matter what. Have a great day everyone. Talk to you tomorrow.

Day one-hundred-one.

Finally! After days and weeks of moving up and down and back up on the scale I am finally heading back down. How did I accomplish this? Simple. I stopped being such a bonehead with my portions, ate the amount a normal human would and exercised. I feel so much lighter, literally and figuratively, and it’s a relief to be headed back down expecially with birthday number 40 just 26 or so days away. To do this I have had to sort of meditate while awake, instead of folding my legs together, sitting on the floor and chanting “ooooohmmmmm.” In other words I’ve had to think about what I was doing WHEN I was doing it so I didn’t do dumb and stupid things trying to be good.  Case in point…

…I’ve known for weeks now that I have been drinking too much Coke Zero. It is awesome and way better calorically than a regular ice-cold Coca-Cola. But it meant I wasn’t drinking enough water. Also, I was having a little more than I should at dinnertime, putting just a few more potatoes, another scoop or two of rice or more bread on my plate. Bad Bill, Bad Bill. Even though I was exercising it still, at most, was keeping my weight where it was and, at worst, allowing it to inch up ever so gradually. But with 26 days to go (my goal for getting at least close to my goal weight of 225) I sort of slip into a self-imposed walking trance. Not the kind where I’d look weird or anything walking down the street, like a zombie in the recent rash of movies like THE WALKING DEAD. No, silently, I say to myself…

…Bill. Bill. You don’t – Hey BILL! Snap out of it! You don’t need to eat that much!

…Bill, you don’t need to eat that (and insert the name of a food treat here ala doughnut, candy bar, cake, ice-cream or soda variety).

…Bill, you need to get your fat ass up and exercise until you sweat!

…Bill, you want to get to your goal way more than you want this, that and the other.

See, and it worked. That, and watching THE BIGGEST LOSER last night. I know I have my criticisms of that show (chief among them that I believe people should lose weight if they go to a camp where their ONLY JOB is to lose weight, and I maintain how interesting it would be to follow normal people who don’t have Jillian or Bob yelling at them while they ride the swankiest equipment, but instead have to go about their daily lives – including running the fast food gauntlet every day) but it really did help get the taste for strawberry ice-cream out of my mouth.

Today is going to be more of the same. I’m going to keep focusing on what things I need to accomplish instead of how good something would taste (like chocolate). Also, I’m going to keep in mind the 241.6 I saw on my scale instead of the 242.8 from the other day and know I want to keep that going. Oh yes, I so want to keep that going. I just have to remember that a little bit of meditation is good for the soul and the waistline.

Besides, my Calvin Klein suit waits for me in my closet, staring back at me wondering if it’s ever going to be worn.

“Yes, my lovely suit. Yes, you will and one day soon.” I have to keep meditating on that, as well.

Day ninety-four.

Finally, a weight breakthrough! I checked the scale today and I am going down in my weight again. As of this morning I am 239.4. Woo-freaking-hoo! I am so excited I could…I could…workout! What an awesome way to start the day.

Although, my awesome day started with a, how shall I put it, strangely energized twelve-step meeting last night. I was so jazzed to get to the group and share last night but not everyone in the group shared my enthusiasm. In fact, one of the guys, “Bob,” shared that he didn’t want to be there. Plain and simple, and that was his entire share. I laughed and applauded his honesty after the meeting, however I was jazzed and this is why…

…Last week I went to see my therapist and, in our session, we got to talking about being caught in patterns of addiction and how thay can not only take over your life but also destabilize you as a person. I went into my past patterns and habits and how I am working every single day to change them and he said something to me I will never forget. he said, “Bill. I wake up every single day and say to myself that I’m not going to let anything take away my peace.” Those words floored me because there are two things at work. One, I now know what peace is and am living it day after day. Two, and most importantly, that I am the one with the control to continue living that peace. That, or the power to allow something to destroy that peace.

It doesn’t matter whether or not you are addicted to food, all addictions run the same. You can lie, cheat and shame your way into a situation that puts you on an endless treadmill of self-destructive patterns and believe me, that ain’t the good kind of treadmill that helps you lose weight. No, it’s the kind of wheel that just keeps turning, like a mouse does in its cage. You just keep spinning your wheels going nowhere fast.

Peace is such a fragile gift in this world and finally having a grasp of addiction and all its “evility” (yep, that’s right, I made up a word and I love it and will use it often to describe many things – and people) helps me maintain my peace, for it is I and I alone who is responsible for it. For example, I am the one who ultimately decides what I eat or not, how much I ingest and how much I go tyo the gym to workout to keep the weight off. It is just that simple. That is what so many of us don’t seem to grasp. It’s not up to, say, infomercials to sell us the latest weight loss suppliments, 5-Hour Energy drinks, equipment and videos that will somehow magically transform us. We must transform ourselves. We are the ones with that power and we control whether or not we have it or not.

Today, I finally am seeing results of me cooking and eating at home and it feels great. It really does.I am finally getting a hold of my life and turning it towards the positive. And each and every day I am doing my best to ensure that I maintain my peace and I do not allow it to slip from my grasp ever again. That goes for all aspects of my life, weight loss included. I do not want to buy anymore clothes unless thay are smaller…or for my upcoming 19th anniversary of my 21st birthday.

Have a great day, everyone.

Day ninety-two.

Happy Monday, everyone. Well, I barely – BARELY – survived the weekend. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t great either. First, I ended up eating waaaaaaaaay too much on Friday night for dinner. I did aright for breakfast and lunch. Following my egg and sausage half-sandwich for breakfast I had a bagel for lunch (since I knew I was working out on Friday afternoon with Sensei Doug). But for dinner, fuck! I ate like a pig. It was taco night and there should be a law about how good jalepenos, onions, salsa, cheese and taco meat taste on a tortilla. Yum!

Saturday,  I was honored enough to be a part of the first-annual walk for pancreatic cancer in Fairmount Park, Philadelphia, in honor of my mom, JoAnn. It was heartwarming to be surrounded by so many people who could understand that bitch disease while, at the same time, being there in positive support of all our loved ones, friends and family afflicted. It was a wonderful three-mile walk and one I will do every year, as I can, to remember the best lady in the whole world.

I love you, Mama. So much.

For lunch, I ate a wonderfully-prepared omelette (if I do say so myself) and some bacon and toast while for dinner I polished off the remainder of the taco stuff. Yesterday, for breakfast had some Pillsbury cinnamon rolls (the small ones, not Cinnabon size) and coffee while having a selection of finger foods (cheese, hummus, bread, chicken) at a great wine tasting. That ended up being my dinner (in addition to the few bite-size Snickers I had watching a Netflix flick) which was O.K.

What does all that mean? It means that, overall, while it wasn’t horrible it wasn’t great BUT I did end up weighing the same today as I did on Friday and that is a Godsend! I am still at 239.9 and am soooooo looking forward to working out today. This week also will be interesting because I will not be visiting Doug for my mixed martial arts sessions so I will have to maintain my workouts  on my own, no obligatory classes to make. But I will do it. As I told him I have my “homework” and I will do it.

So I start this week feeling pretty good. I am firmly ensconsed in eating at home and drinking Coke Zero (instead of regular Coca-Cola). I am going to workout four or five times this week to keep that up. All is good. Could this weekend have been better, of course. I could have exercised AND eaten better. However, life is to be enjoyed and I enjoyed a bit of life this weekend. If that means having two small pretzels with mustard on Saturday night (which I did), or having delicious pepper jack cheese cubes, hummus and bread with wine, so be it. I am living life and I will not ever, ever again, whether it be in my weight or any other way, take life for granted. It is short and precious and should be fully, fully appreciated.

On Saturday I felt my mom with me as I walked through that park with all those people. It wasn’t sad. It was the feeling you get when walking with your parents when you’re a kid. It was safe and warm and happy. And as long as I keep up with my better eating and exercising I will be able to have that feeling for decades to come.

Day eighty-eight.

So I survived another day of not eating too badly. After my breakfast yesterday of french toast (only two pieces) and some turkey sausage (only two patties) I had a bagel with butter for lunch (as I didn’t want to eat too heavily before going to martial arts training – but more on that later) and for dinner had this rocking cinnamon chipotle pork chop with apple salsa dish for dinner complete with a side of sweet potatoes. I even resisted the urge to have seconds and saved the rest for din din tonight. I am also down another three ounces today and I will take each and every one of them, so at 240.2 I am as happy as an achy clam.

Why am I achy? It’s my own damn fault, really. I hadn’t been working out and stretching like I should and Sensei Doug really gave me a great workout yesterday. I am not being funny, either. He gave me an awesome workout that left me feeling…well, let’s just say achy breaky. Achy because I hadn’t stretched out my hip joints in days and I did a lot of kicking. Breaky because I felt like I was going to break down before even getting to my car afterward.

We started with the usual – shadowboxing and some light bag work but then went right into kicking. Kicking helps open up the hips and gives you better range of motion. It also had the effect of making you feel like your leg is like a fried chicken wing you have to break apart to eat. It was soooooo stiff. It took a while for it to open up a bit. But by then we were on to the floor exercises which take a serious toll on your arm strength. How can someone feel like a piece of broken friend chicken and spaghetti at the same time? I don’t know but I achieved it. Ugh! Man, was I in serious need of a sauna.

After the workout I came home and took a long hot shower and sat for a bit. I knew that today I’d have to stretch again but it was OK. I needed that kind of workout – the achy breaky. I always need that kind of workout and it is what I signed up for. Why shouldn’t I feel tired (exhausted), hurting and sweaty? That is what I want and that is what I get, which is why my sensei is awesome. truly. Think of it this way. When I went to college, a school I had to pay for, I went to classes because I PAID FOR THEM. Why should I ditch classes I paid for. That wasn’t smart money if I didn’t go (and thanks to my own stupid actions and the encouragement of an old girlfriend I did ditch and it took me three years to make that grade up in my GPA). In college you pay for the privilege of school and in working out I pay for the privilege of getting masterful instruction with my sweat.

That is a small price to pay, especially since I so desperately want to get into that Calvin Klein suit by my birthday.

Amazingly enough, though, I am not feeling achy breaky today. My body is good and is gearing up for a similar workout today. Yep, I’m gonna work myself out today and make myself sweat. I need it. I want it. I will have it. So on this chilly and rainy day here in southern New Jersey it will feel like the tropics to me. My weight is slowly coming back down and I am feeling better day by day. I already had my raisin toast today and will clear a space soon for myself.

I may not be the 400 pounds I once was, but still, a six-foot-one, 240 pound guy isn’t small and needs a lot of space in which to workout and continue losing weight. To be continued…

 Have a great day, everyone, and don’t forget to workout and eat well.

Day eighty-seven.

Finally!!!!! I am coming back down in my weight, thank God! I am down another six ounces and am at 240.5 today. Just a mere 15 pounds above my ultimate goal weight which I am bound and determined to achieve before I reach 40 years of age. I am so happy to see this number on my scale today. I have been very good with my eating lately, too. Yesterday, after my toast for breakfast, I had a Lean Cuisine-like frozen lunch (it was Litelife frozen Indian Veggie Masala – and dammed tasty, too) and leftover cajun chicken, rice and broccoli for dinner. Not only did I have those leftovers (which I have been totally into lately) but my portions have been very controlled, too. ONE chicken breast, ONE helping of rice and ONE helping of broccoli. And the best part was that I had water, H20, nature’s soft drink instead of soda (even diet Coke Zero). Yes, yesterday was a great day and it showed.

Today is going to be good also, mainly because I get to workout with Sensei Doug and his martial arts training. I wish I had the space here to do what we do in his studio. But one thing is for certain. I soooooo need to stretch a bit before working out. Having not worked out like that for a few days plus this chilly weather makes my joints, especially my hips, so tight and immobile. Oh well. I know I am not an old man yet by any stretch of the inmagination but damn, I wish someone would hurry up and invent some agre-regression thingie that makes our bodies as strongf as they were twenty years ago. That would be cool.

I bring all this up today because I think it would be way cool to wear that way cool Calvin Klein suit I bought last year for my 40th birthday this year. We all spend so much time wanting to fit into this and that. Well, during this 40th year of my life, I’m gonna do something about it. I have a goal to wear that suit somewhere for something. It is the most beautiful suit I own and right now, with these extra 15 or so pounds on my bod, I can’t even imagine putting it on yet. But with those pounds gone I should be able to fit into it. I guess that would make it my birthday suit.

I wasnt to wear my birthday suit for my birthday! I love plays on words.

Moreover, I think it’s a realistic weight loss goal. If I maintain exercising and eating better, the way I have been, it should be good. Also, I promise to take a photo of myself in that suit, too. But I will only wear it if it fits like it should. I will not wear it if the pants are too tight or the jacket doesn’t button. A suit must wear properly to look good and that is what I want.

So that’s it. That’s all I got today. Tune in tomorrow when I recount my activities on the martial arts mat from today as well as what I ate. Speaking of which, this morning I made two small pieces of cinnamon raisin french toast and two patties of turkey sausage for breakfast (yum).  Lunch I know will be lighter and I think pork chops are for din din. Or should I say pork chop (singular). Remember, I have a birthday suit I need to fit into and look good in.

Day eighty-five.

I do not know about many of you out there but I love Halloween. It’s cool to see kids dress up in way cooler costumes than I had growing up (although there was nothing wrong with my plastic Spider-Man, Batman or Darth Vader out-of-the-box costumes my mom bought). As an adult there are two things I love best about the holiday – the horror movies and the candy. Every movie from “Halloween” (still my favorite of all time) to “Wrong Turn” is fun to watch, especially this time of year. Scary movies are just awesome. They take you on such a wild ride for a couple of hours and its thrilling. Then, you get to buy candy. Lots of bags of candy to hand out to kids (although I have a motto – no costume, no candy). Yeah, Halloween candy, those sweet little innocent, bite-sized morsels (the ones we’re convinced have no calories because they’re so small) are like horror movies. They take you on a wonderful and delicious wild ride…that is until you come back down and reality hits you like a punch in the face.

Dudes, I got on the scale today and freaked out. I am up two-and-a-half pounds! I am at 241.3! Suck!!!!! I absolutely know it has to do with two things – eating waaaaaaaaay too much spaghetti and sauce yesterday for dinner and that damned Halloween candy, stupid little delicious bite-sized morsels of evil.

As I sit and watch the birds outside my window I am thankful for two things – stretchy elastic-waist pants and second chances. After dinner last night I put on a pair of sweatpants and it felt good. But that was simultaneously bad, especially since I tried on a pair of pants yesterday that should have fit but didn’t. Ugh! Whoever invented elastic waist pants ought to be rewarded and shot all at the same time. Curse them (she/he)! However, after a good hearty dinner I was comfy all curled up watching the afore-mentioned “Halloween” (the original 1978 version starring Jamie Lee Curtis and not the Rob Zombie remake – excuse me, re-imagining). It also was cool having a few of the leftover candy treats – as horrible as they are for you – because I am human and I will still eat what I want. I just didn’t think it would be that bad.

Again, curse them!

So I am am also happy for second chances again today. Since I have been healthier and happier these days I have been eating more. However, today is November 1 and I am gonna head to the gym today to sweat off these damned two-and-a-half pounds to get myself back on track. I also am gonna start keeping a food diary of my own to log what I eat until I get back to 225.  I am gonna make the most of the second chances on this bright new day.

Is today the end of the world? No. I know I will work off this weight (again!) and will do better. I just have to stop being as stupid as the people featured in those horror movies I love so very much. Their ability to stop running when they think the killer is dead, to drop the knife/gun/baseball bat/whatever when they think it’s safe, their ability to say “I’ll be right back. I’ll be O.K.” before going into a dark, closed-in space all by themselves where you know the killer is lurking, and more are all reasons there are sequels to horror movies. In other words, being stupid brings about a bad result, and I should keep that in mind especially around this time of year.

Halloween may be over for 2010, but unlike the freaking “Saw” movies I do not want to be in this place with my weight again next year, creating a weight loss sequel for myself that is scarier than this original.

PS: I had two pieces of lightly-buttered raisin toast for breakfast and will have a chicken dish tonight. Hopefully that plus my exercise will keep that stupid boogeyman away.

Day eighty.

Hey there, my friends. For those of you old enough (or pop-culture savvy enough) to remember there are two references I’m going to drop on you today: the first is the movie “Around the World in 80 Days” and the second is the Fifth Dimension’s “Would You Like To Fly In My Beautiful Balloon.” I bring up both because both things reference travel via balloon.

Here I am at day eighty and I feel great. These past days have been a Godsend to me because, for the first time in my adult life, I am truly getting to the bottom of my addictive cycles so that I can, once and for all, get a handle on what made me self-medicate so I never EVER do it again. And how am I doing that? By getting into the figurative balloon in my head and taking a tour of my past so I can see where I never want to be again.

I told you guys yesterday how I had to get a handle on my chocolate and Coke Zero cravings, and that is true. But as I swim around my head on day eighty of my sobriety I now know at least I KNOW I have to do that and am not making excused for it. My old self used to do that. I know I need to workout, which I am doing later today with Sensei Doug. The old me would have given the gym a half-hearted attempt MAYBE and I wouldn’t have broken that much of a sweat. I know when I am being “triggered” to eat unnecessarily and do my best to stop that behavior. The old me would never have done that.

I have also rediscovered myself in all this. I used to spend so much time hiding things that I would almost binge on being me. My old path saw me do things that were unimaginable and horrible, among those was warping who I was to conform to what I thought others wanted of me. Ironically, I never did that in my weight loss. That I have always been truthful and honest about. I have my ups and downs and my struggles with food and my weight. But what is now so different is that, after taking my balloon trip in my head (and how fucked up does that sound – I sound like I’m crazy) I realized how much I didn’t like myself very much. Where food was concerned I just ate and ate to suppress and squash what I was feeling – toxic shame, anger, resentment, fear and low self-esteem. Food, at least for a while, kept all those down and let me run. Now, I like myself again and even bought me something that is huge for me – a Star Wars lunchbox.

Is it silly? Yes.

Is it necessary in my life? No.

Do I like it? Does it make me happy? Yes!

Should I give a shit what other people think about it? Hell no!

I have spent so much of my adult life doing things that, on the outside, seemed cool but I only did it for others. Now that I am working on me, by going to therapy and twelve-step meetings, I am truly liking myself again. More than that, I am embracing it and doing what I want to do, not what others prescribed for me.

In this wacky journey we call weight loss, yes, I have my ups and downs, but when I hover over that in my balloon and look over these past 80 days I see a guy who knows he will be OK. I know I will re-lose that weight and come out even stronger for it. Speaking of which I need to run and get ready so I can go kick some punching bag ass today with Sensei Doug.

Sometimes it is good to take a look at your own life from a different perspective, and rising above it, as if in a balloon, can do just the trick. Not only do you see where you’ve been clearly, you can see the road ahead of you…

…and, at least for me, you can do something that the Fifth Dimension also sings about – letting that sunshine in to help guide the way.

Let the sunshine…

Let the sunshine in.

The sun shine in…